Chapter Text
// Tuesday, June 15th, 201M2088 B.C. //
Sensing a soothing warmth start to spread across my scales, my eyes flitter open to bear witness to rays of morning sunlight as they filter into the room past the drawn pristine white curtains, whose own movements are nothing short of an elegant dance as they are accompanied by a gentle breeze through the partially open window.
Blinking a few times, a yawn parts my lips before they reform into a smile as I let my gaze wander, it’s sole purpose to gather my bearings even if I know exactly what I will find from countless years of the same motion.
The antiquated bedroom with its cream colored walls works to highlight the stark contrast of the dark oak furniture littering the space. A plush papasan moon chair sits idly in the corner next to the dresser, and flanked by a wide bookshelf filled with everything but the tomes of knowledge it was intended for. Instead, each shelf and row are stacked with the irreplaceable mementos of a life long lived.
A series of photos encapsulating priceless moments from each of our yearly family gatherings take up most of the space.
Below them is the fragile display of a complete tea set one of our children had gifted us from their trip out of the country after graduating college.
There is even a plaque with the messily scribbled words of ‘We Love You Grandma & Grandpa’ written on it by a pair of tiny hands sitting amongst the other treasures.
All of them equally invaluable.
Allowing my smile to grow wider, I squint from my place on the bed in order to get a better look at the array of memories, but find the attempt is mute as I am without my glasses, which are sitting on the end table next to me. As much as I already hate to admit how much I need them these days, I can’t help but also see them as a reminder of what my sight used to be.
Age steals many things from us in time… some more precious than others… but there are always ways we can make up for it.
Moving into a sit up position, I instinctively stretch out my weathered wings and arms overhead with a groan… however amidst this, a shock of pain courses through my body like a bolt of electricity.
As I glance over my shoulder, I can’t help but frown when I see that one of my wings has locked up again in an all too familiar cramp. The disjointed angle of the appendage makes it look broken compared to its matching pair, yet I know all it needs is a thorough adjustment.
Again…
Carefully maneuvering the wing before me as best I can manage without upsetting it further, I begin to gingerly work with my hands to release the arthritic stiffness, all the while wincing from the subtle torment. I remember the day when I first started having to do this regularly, it was depressing to say the least, but back then, I always had a second pair of caring hands to aid me, to remind me I wasn’t alone…
My smile wavers as I recall those distant times… and while I long to experience them again, I know that I will have to be patient because things aren’t what they used to be.
God, how I miss his loving caress.
…
Finally managing to release one particularly stubborn knot, I let out a soft yelp of pain as I retire my hands from the effort. It’s good enough for now, but I’ll have to finish the job later when I have moved around a bit more.
Instead, I turn my attention towards the numerous tattered feathers protruding from the wing itself. Where once my immaculate silver curtains had shined brightly, they are now worn and faded, having lost their natural allure over a decade ago. There are even several noticeable handfuls missing between the remaining feathers… So it may seem strange that when I glide my fingertips over the downy plumage all I can feel is contentness, my heart beating proudly at seeing them.
The reason is clear to me however.
They are symbols of not a moment wasted.
Or a chance left untaken.
Proof that I have used these eighty-six years of my life to the fullest, every second spent doing the most that I could have with the limited time loaned to me. Sure, not everything was pleasant. There were fights, arguments, and particularly those years as a teenager being confused were not without a sour note to them.
I had been hateful to the world around me.
To the people who cared for me…
But that didn’t stop the man who I would soon learn to be my soulmate from saving me.
No… he did more than that.
He showed me the right way to live back then and even beyond that he has continued to shower me with gifts of his affection that have made this life worth it. I have no doubt in my mind I would not have achieved nearly as much as I had without him, or that I would even be here to begin with.
That is a reality I have never once forgotten or left unappreciated despite his efforts to adamantly deny his role in my life.
Much to his dismay, I will never stop reminding him of it.
Because I owe him everything that I am.
…
As I finish my task, I decide now would be as good a time as any to start the morning. Keen on not wasting another second of this beautiful day, I lean over to grab my glasses and place them on my face while reaching my other hand out to the other side of the bed where my still slumbering mate-
The air seizes in my throat as my hand touches the frigid and barren sheets next to me, lacking any tangible warmth that I have come to anticipate being there… that should be there. And it is only now that I realize that the room is deafeningly silent, absent from my husband’s typical snoring and breathing all together.
Snapping my head around in hopes that I have merely misjudged his position, a deepening sense of dread settles into my stomach as I see that I am indeed alone in the bed.
“Nononono… Not again… Not again!” My voice is a panicked husk as I frantically toss the covers off of my lower half, introducing my pale blue night gown to the world and guide my feet off the edge of the bed to where an awaiting pair of slippers are.
My hurried response is spurred on when an equally dominating presence of alarm falls over me as I notice that the door to the bedroom is also cracked open, the newly installed lock undone. It was a simple child proof mechanism with the intention of protecting the person who should be here with me from wandering off alone… now left unattended.
Shit! How did he-
No, it doesn't matter.
You need to focus, Lucy.
He needs you.
Forcing myself into a calmer state by taking several deep breaths, I use the handle attached to the head of the bedframe to assist me into a standing position. Despite the help, I still need to reflexively flare my wings out to act as a counter balance and steady myself. This, unfortunately, sends another tinge of pain through me as I am reminded that I hadn’t finished the earlier task of fixing my wing.
But more than that, a wave of other hidden aches and throbbing hit me all at once like a torrent. It takes a few moments to dispel the accompanying dizziness, but eventually I manage to right myself properly without fear of falling over and hurting myself.
The last thing I need is to be hospitalized for a broken bone that could have been easily avoided, or worse, be taken away from caring for my other half, my purpose in life and the reason I find the will to get up each and every day.
However, even with all these cruel reminders of the physical capabilities that have been silently taken from me… it pales in comparison to the understanding that our minds are just as susceptible, leaving us to collect what shattered pieces we can. I was spared this fate for the most part… but I cannot say the same for my beloved husband.
The years were supposedly good to him up until three years ago, but even before then I hate to admit the reticent battle he had been fighting all this time. It started off with a forgotten date here, a gap in memory there… A place… A name… The little things you wouldn’t think twice about until you realize that a part of who you are has slipped through your fingers.
Like so many countless grains of sand…
Retracting my wings to press lightly against my back, I begin to shuffle across the room towards the door, careful not to trip on the way over. Clasping the handle, I pull it ajar and exit out into the carpeted hallway.
Looking down the length, I can see that all the other doors are still closed which gives me confidence that he isn’t in any of the adjoined rooms. I can always rely on this habit of his to leave such things open and forget to close them again behind him as a way to track him down.
An annoyance at times, sure, but it also gives me a sense of relief when I take my eyes off of him for too long.
As I continue on my way toward the steps at the end of the hall, my hand inadvertently brushes along the wall and barely misses coming into contact with the myriad of framed photos that line it. Each one is a varying piece of the past snapshot in time, and it feels as though moving through the space acts as a sort of panoramic theater to relive them.
The film starts off with the smiling faces of us with our children, grandchildren, and even great grandchildren by this point. Their cheerful laughter rings in my ears as if hearing it for the first time. Though it eventually fades as I make my way over to a picture of when we ourselves were teens again, holding our recently obtained diplomas during graduation from Volcano High with youthful optimism.
The place where all of this started…
This nest of ours has grown so much since then… but that supposed joy is stripped away from me as I am reminded of my current plight with the arrival of the daunting staircase. I hesitate at the top, casting my gaze down them. There aren't many, only twelve in total, but the distance between each of them could be a canyon.
Count them Lucy.
Twelve steps.
Just twelve.
Take them one at a time.
Gripping the nearby railing tightly, I begin to carefully maneuver down the steps, counting each one in my head as I go. Although they were carpeted as well to increase traction, past near misses cling to my subconscious as I dare not give into my hastiness… as much as I can now hear my desperate heart pounding in my ears.
And just when I reach the halfway point, my legs lock in place, eyes transfixed no longer on the ground below me, but rather on the sight ahead of me.
Spanning across the open concept kitchen and connected living room with its embedded fireplace, I can see that the door to the back porch is swung wide open, exposing the tranquil fields beyond. Normally my panic would be heightened, however my saving grace comes in the form of catching the hint of a green plaid shirt as its owner sways idly in the rocking chair next to the doorway outside.
There he is.
My mate.
My husband.
My precious dweeb.
…
My Anon.
…
Releasing the breath I didn’t know I was holding in, a relieving peace swells inside my chest, subduing the concern of finding him wandering off alone somewhere. But perhaps I shouldn’t be too surprised. It is part of the daily routine we built together to sit out on the porch and enjoy the sunrise… even if the possibility of the alternative was too great to ignore.
Still, I’m happy he is safe. I'll have to find a way to subtly inquire as to how exactly he managed to undo the lock so that I can prevent another occurrence like this one, but that can wait.
Now having stopped, I can feel the exhaustion of the short exertion catching up to me.
With a lightened heart, I slowly descend the rest of the steps until reaching the main floor. From there, I make my way into the kitchen with the intention to start brewing a mug of coffee to give myself the final kick I need to start the day, all the while keeping a watchful eye on the doorway.
A gentle hum from me adds a shred of vitality to the otherwise lifeless kitchen, however that is soon interpreted by the sound of an irritating and synthetic female voice.
“Good morning, Mrs. Mous. How are you feeling today?”
Before I can even lift a hand to turn on the coffee machine the task is already started ahead of me thanks to the interference of the house’s local artificial intelligence.
A sigh escapes my lips as I close my eyes while standing idly in the kitchen, now surrounded by the sound of a hushed bubbling and the scent of a rich, earthy fragrance.
“...Good morning to you too, Alissa …” I reply, my tone ladened with displeasure. “I’m doing just fine. Thank you for asking.”
There is a noticeable silence before the AI answers again. “I am glad to hear that. As you can see, I have already begun the process of making your usual morning coffee as well as for Mr. Mous. While you wait, would you like me to read out your appointments for the week?” Without giving me the chance to respond, the annoying voice continues.
“I recently received a notification from the local pharmacy that your prescriptions are ready for pickup. Also, you have a recorded appointment at noon today for a visit from Mrs. Clark who will be stopping by to-”
“Thank you, Alissa… but we’re fine. I remember.” Doubting she can understand the harshness in my tone, I make an effort to turn and peer through my lenses at the small console embedded into the wall with an equally hard expression. There is a blinking red dot on it, a sign of her presence that feels to almost be staring back at me.
Although we are still a ways off from living in the golden age of technology as some egg-headed scientists had insisted we would have reached by now, it is difficult to deny that Volcaldera Bluffs has changed substantially in one way or another. The most notable of these changes is the development of assistive intelligence programs like Alissa intended to aid in increasing the quality of life for residents.
Call me old fashioned, but I’ve always held a sort of hesitancy towards these sorts of things. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen too many movies or heard stories of robotic revolutions wiping out the Saurian race with time travelling murder robots. Still… if it were up to me, I would have gladly gone without installing this thing into the sanctity of my nest.
It feels as though there is a stranger living amongst the place we have built together, and I would have stuck to that choice if not for the constant pestering of my beloved daughter Amber. My sweet little Tooth Fairy was so insistent that I eventually cracked, believing in her words that she only wants to see us cared for when she or anyone else from the family isn’t around to look after us.
I appreciate her concern and it makes me proud to know I raised such a considerate soul, but I’ve been able to handle things just fine on my own.
…Now I just have to get her off my back about trying to get me to wear that damn ‘Life Alert’ contraption.
I’m old, but I’m not that old.
…
After a long minute, my steely glare is broken from the console as the coffee machine dings to indicate that the brew is ready for consumption. Moving to a nearby cupboard, I retrieve two mugs and approach the steaming hot pot before beginning to pour the contents out. For Anon’s, I leave black as that simplicity is how he likes it.
As for mine however?
With a devilish grin, I reach my hand into a jar sitting next to the machine and pull out a few differently colored packets. I then proceed to open all of them and dump the unholy amount of sweetener and cream into my mug, turning the black liquid completely white. I never seemed to be able to kick that sweetness habit after all these years, not that I’m complaining. It’s just objectively better this way.
Tapping my spoon against the rim of the mug after mixing it, my momentary respite is intruded upon once more. However, Alissa’s former and admittedly overly robotic tone is replaced with a far more realistic one.
And that unnerves me even more.
“Mrs. Mous… I apologize if I have caused you any unnecessary distress with my presence. I am merely trying to follow my functions set by your daughter to try to assist you as best I can. However, I find that my ability to do so is limited when I am restricted access to only your calendar and certain appliances.” There is a gentleness in her voice that I find hard to believe belongs to something so unnatural.
I sigh, resting a hand on the countertop. “I appreciate your concern, but that is all more than enough of what you need to be useful… We’ve had this discussion before and my mind has not changed on the matter.”
“I know, and I respect your wishes. Though given your situation, it would go against my understanding to not bring up the topic periodically.” There is a pause as if it is considering for a moment. “...I wish you would reconsider allowing me additional access to the home’s systems in order for me to further help you.”
My shoulders stiffen as my lips pull tight into a grimace. The mugs of coffee sitting in front of me are left forgotten as I play that word back on repeat in my head.
Help…
I don’t need help.
Why can’t anyone understand that?
I can take care of myself and Anon on my own.
It is then that my legs buckle and I am forced to cling to the countertop to keep myself upright as an indistinct flood of exhaustion hits me, different from the one I had felt earlier after trying to rush from the bedroom. I’ve felt it before, several times in fact, and each time I am unable to pinpoint its source.
A phantom presence haunting me.
I grit my teeth as I slowly recover from the bout. It only lasts a few seconds, but its habit of coming out of nowhere leaves me on edge at times. Resolute to not let such an insignificance stop me, I suck in a sharp breath and take hold of the mugs. They are no longer steaming even if hot enough to still be enjoyed.
As I make my way out of the kitchen Alissa remains silent, likely having taken my lack of a response for my final answer.
Though… I can’t help but feel that imaginary stare again, this time watching my back as I reach the open doorway leading to the porch.
Stepping out onto the wooden platform, the world becomes all that much brighter against the backdrop of the interior of the house. The overhead awning covers most of the porch, but there are a few spots basking in the direct warmth that the sun has to offer.
I was right about before, breathing in the fresh air does help reinvigorate the soul as I can feel my scales tingle with a breeze brushing past me. The chirping of unseen birds echo in the distance as the striking scent of morning dew graces my nose. It seems to have rained last night which makes me worry about the partially open bedroom window. I’ll have to check later to see if there is any water damage.
The remaining glistening droplets of moisture reflect off the expansive lawn, which reaches all the way out to the meadow and subsequent forest beyond. The sight alone reinforces that we made a good decision moving out here. It took some deliberation, but eventually, we decided to remove ourselves from the rapidly expanding city to a more rural area. All the noise and population boom had become too much for us which we can still make out from time to time given we’re only a fifteen minute drive from the city itself.
Casting my gaze to the left, the seamless city skyline stands tall and proud on the horizon, with newly constructed towers reaching high above. Their tips scrape the bottoms of clouds, and although it is already day, their lights continue to burn brightly in defiance.
I find myself staring off at the scene from time to time, reminiscing on what we had there… but I never linger too long as I know my present and future are here with me now.
Gradually, my attention shifts to my other side where I see Anon rocking in his chair without a word next to me, eyes closed and donning a peaceful expression. His broad shoulders are hunched slightly and there is an endless sea of wrinkles creasing his delicate skin. But more peculiarly, he is softly holding in his hands half a dozen beautiful white lilies, the same flowers that line the pathway leading to the meadow from the foot of the porch.
I remember when we first planted them there when we moved in… and I can’t help but feel tears pricking at the edges of my eyes as I watch the flowers sway in the wind. So many memories linked to them… both good and bad.
And perhaps I would have also lost myself gazing at them again if not for the heat from the mugs beginning to become too much to handle for my sensitive hands.
Moving with eagerness, I walk across the porch to sit in the only other remaining chair next to Anon and set down the mugs on a short table between us. Glancing back up gifts me with seeing that he still has his eyes closed, completely oblivious to my presence evidenced by his lack of reaction.
But that is fine.
I’ve learned by now that it takes some time for him to come around.
…
Just like every morning, I patiently accept to play the waiting game by folding my hands on my lap and keeping my eyes locked on him… silently hoping. We remain like this for a time, how long exactly I cannot say given that the minutes bleed into one another these days, but like every time we do this, it becomes increasingly harder to push back the doubts that start to crawl from their hiding places in the recesses of my thoughts.
In a way, it is difficult to say if he is even alive with his body as stiff as a statue, chest barely moving as he breathes shallow breaths. It scares me sometimes, admittedly, as only his movement is a sign that he is still with me.
I want to touch him.
To feel his beating heart and cradle in his touch.
At least then I would know for certain that I have not been left behind in this world…
Eventually, I am given my reward for trusting in him as his rocking comes to a stop, body shifting in the chair to face me. This change prompts me to sit up straighter and brandish a welcoming smile for his arrival.
After a pause, Anon opens his eyes and presents to me once more his striking emerald gemstones that hold a luster to them beyond comprehension. Though his shell of flesh may be feeble, those portals tell a different story, a sign of the life raging inside him.
It is through them that I know he is still in there, somewhere.
He has to be.
If he isn’t… then I don’t know what I would do…
I would have no home to return to…
Casting aside what worries have made their home on my face, I fully embrace that for another day Anon is by my side. My body quivers with excitement as my tail begins to wag. The subtle thumping of my old friend slapping against the back of my seat pales in comparison to my heartbeat, each pulse invigorating me to no end.
“Good morning, Anon~ How was your sleep last night?”
Remember Lucy, keep it short and sweet.
No need to overwhelm him first thing when he sees you.
Use this time to assess how he is doing and read his movements like you practiced. If it’s a ‘good day’, then maybe you can ask him about the lock.
Anon takes a moment to study me until a wide smile parts his lips. “...It was wonderful, thank you. I don’t think I’ve had such a restful sleep in all my life.” Alright. He seems receptive today, now to- His cheeks redden. “...And I think it’s because I spent it next to you.”
…
You know what… forget the lock.
It takes a considerable amount of effort to not lose myself after hearing his enchanting words come out of nowhere. Holy shit. I didn’t know I could blush this hard after all these years.
Oh you sly dweeb.
Even if I’ve heard it a hundred times before, it never seems to have any less of an effect on me.
Reflexively, I look away to hide my reaction as Anon sheepishly rubs the back of his neck. “S-Sorry. I didn’t mean to be rude. I just…” He pauses. “I don’t remember falling asleep with someone so pretty.”
“No no… it’s fine,” I say, turning back to him. “It makes me happy to know you feel that way honestly.”
He nods, accepting my reassurance and lowering his gaze to the lilies he is still holding on to. Brushing his fingers over the pedals, I can feel my abashment fade as something else takes its place, causing my hands to wring around one another.
“Say, you picked quite a few of those flowers you are holding… Do you like them?”
His eyes soften. “I think I do. They’re very… uh…” His brow knits for a moment. “...Disgusting.”
Despite giving an answer, he immediately looks displeased with it as he continues to search for the right words to say, mouth cycling and hand freezing mid stroke of another pedal so that he can concentrate.
Sensing his struggle, I carefully lean forward in my chair to remain in front of him and gingerly place a hand on his arm. I dare not say anything too much in fear that it will confuse him more, so I settle on this.
“Why don’t you tell how it makes you feel?” I ask.
A solid minute passes before he answers. “Happy. I can’t help but feel happy when holding them…”
I nod. “I see. So, how about delightful? Does that work?”
“Yes, that… They’re very delightful…” Anon blinks. “...But I also feel sad as well. I wonder why?”
He looks to me for an answer, one that I knowingly have, even if it isn’t one I want to give. “...I think it is because we picked them to honor someone special to us.” As the words leave my mouth, I can’t help but clutch desperately to my nightgown, forcing the smile to remain on my lips. The taste of blood coats my tongue as I bite my cheek. “Do- Do you remember the name of the person we planted them for together?”
I hate this conversation… and I know we will have it two more times today.
Just like every day.
But it’s for Anon’s sake that I bear it.
He shakes his head. “I… I don’t know. Who?”
“T-They were planted in memory of my father, Ripley Jonathan Aaron, after he…” I have to swallow to keep down the tears. “After he left us some time ago. They were his favorite flowers despite what he claimed.”
My eyes shut tightly as the answer once again threatens to break me, even twenty years after his passing. God, I may be an old hen myself, but I miss my daddy so much. I miss the way he would wrap me in his strong arms and make all my worries go away. I miss hearing his rumbling voice reassure me that no matter what I did, that he would always love me.
Fuck…
Just picturing his smiling face and bellowing laugh crushes my soul, knowing I will never see or hear them again.
Even after putting aside our differences and becoming a full fledged family again, one of my few regrets in life that keeps me up at night is not spending enough time with him in his later years. Sure, we always held Sunday dinners together with the whole family, but it never felt like enough now. I was always so focused on living my own life, as did Naser, that I think he got lonely despite having Mom by his side.
…
Oh Mom… I can’t imagine what she must have gone through when she found him-
No ! You have to push those thoughts aside for now. If you start thinking about her you will cry.
And you can’t, not with Anon right in front of you.
Sucking in a deep breath, I steel myself as I notice Anon watching me with a concerned look on his face. Clearly he didn’t expect that answer, but I can’t blame him. This is the reaction he always shows when I tell him, eyes filled with sympathy.
No matter what may come and go, he will always be such a kind and considerate person.
He looks away. “I… I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you sad as well.”
I shake my head as I regain control. “There is nothing to apologize for. I’ve accepted what happened a long time ago, although it has been some time since I last paid my respects. Perhaps sometime soon we can go visit him. I’m sure he would like that very much. He hasn’t spoken to you in a while either, though I worry about your knees for such a trip. We aren’t as young as we used to be~”
I let a light hearted chuckle escape me to try to lighten the dower mood as talking about deceased loved ones is never easy, but this only causes Anon to tilt his head in confusion.
“What is it, Anon? You're staring at me.”
He chews his cracked lip. “I don’t mean to be rude… but something has been bugging me.”
…
Anon’s reaction gives me pause as my heart begins to pound in my chest. This isn’t part of our usual conversations. It’s something new, something different.
That both excites me as my wings begin to flap, and terrifies me.
“O-Oh… What might that be?” I try to hold an encouraging smile. “Don’t be afraid to tell me.”
My words only make him look more anxious as he glances down to the now cold mugs of coffee sitting between us, our long conversation having stolen all the remaining heat from the churning liquid. Sensing his hesitancy, the feathers on my elbows start to stand on end in anticipation.
His expression is painfully apologetic. “Well… It’s just that all this time you keep talking about things about me, like knowing my knees aren’t so good and that I have met this Ripley person before. But…” He looks back up to me, frowning.
“...Who are you…?”
Like a thunderclap, my entire body locks up and ceases all movement. My previously fluttering wings also fall to a standstill as they droop to the porch. I try to keep my smile going… but my lips quiver against the effort. Attempting to blink away the rapidly forming tears only seems to introduce more of them in their place as I swallow hard to regain my voice, but even then it is impossible to hide the pain strewn within it.
Don’t be taken off guard Lucy. It’s just a little gap in memory.
It’s fine if he forgets… if he…
The instinctively formed lies that I’ve always told myself no longer work as I can feel myself crumbling inside, as if a piece of me died for a moment. Anon has forgotten a lot over the years, but he always knew who I was. Maybe he is just joking around, trying to get me on edge before the big reveal… only I know that is another lie that doesn’t stay for long.
You’re strong Lucy.
You have to be strong.
Just like you always have been for him.
He needs you right now.
He’s all that matters.
Even if he begins to wander, you’ll guide him back home.
…You have to…
…Because no one else will…
I lick my lips as I replace the meticulously practiced smile back onto my face. “W-Well… my name is Lucy, and I’m your wife. We’ve been married for sixty four years.” I just barely choke back a sob. “I’m also your primary caregiver which is why we’re living together.”
Anon stares blankly at me for a moment, trying to process this revelation before his own eyes go wide with shock. “R-Really? Wow…” He rubs the top of his head. “I can’t believe I have such a beautiful wife… I’m sorry that I forgot… I just… It’s hard to remember sometimes.”
“...I know…” I say, lifting my glasses to wipe away stray tears. “But I’m here for you, and I’m not going anywhere so don’t you worry about that.”
Despite the awkwardness of the exchange, my reassurances give him the spark he needs as he looks back up to me… and smiles . In an instant, the rushing waves of consolation crash through every inch of me. I can’t help but gasp, raising a hand to my beak as I bear witness to his refound affection, like falling in love all over again.
The way he looks at me and that simple smile of his, it’s all I need. To know he is alright, that he is not lost in a sea of confusion.
Still… it never gets any easier.
It’s been three agonizingly long years since we got the diagnosis that my precious Nonny has dementia, specifically a form called Alzheimer’s disease. The doctor explained it to us then, something about a build-up of proteins in the brain which can affect how the cells there transmit messages, but I didn’t catch much of what he said as it took all that I had to hold myself together.
Anon bore it better than me as he swaddled me in his arms and spoke softly ‘It will be alright. I might forget many things, but I’ll never forget you and how you make me feel, Sweet Tooth. I promise.’
I trusted that promise, even now I do.
From then on each day became its own battle. Every week feeling like we have summited another mountain. A year marking another battle won… though the war was far from over. We carried on with our heads held high making the most of the time we had together, be it a momentary second or a single interaction, each and every one of them worth it.
Because they ARE worth it.
…
After raising my hands to fix my glasses back into place, I lower them again so that they come to rest against my chest as that is the place where I feel they belong right now. As I do this, Anon leans forward in his chair as if attempting to get a better look at something. His puzzlement gives way to awe.
“That necklace you’re wearing… It looks amazing. Where did you get it?”
Looking down, I see that during my previous movement I had accidentally freed my pendant from underneath the nightgown. Instinctively, I pick it up and begin to thumb the amber gemstone gently as it attempts to sparkle in the light as brightly as the day I had received it, however between the passage of time and my subconscious habit it has become dulled over the years.
It’s a shadow of its former self, yet is still as immaculate as ever in my eyes, and clearly Anon’s as well.
The thought of it makes me chuckle. “Thank you… There isn’t a day where I am without it, and actually yo-” My beak snaps shut beyond my control, involuntarily stopping me from finishing that sentence. I ponder as to why for a second, but quickly reach the answer clearly.
I don’t want him to tell him that he is the one who gave it to me… because if I do, I don’t know if my heart can take it if he forgets and asks me again. Not right now at least.
I continue to rub the pendant. “...I received it as a gift from someone very dear to me.”
Anon nods. “All that I can say is that they must be one lucky person. Have I met them?” There is no jealousy in his voice, only genuine interest.
“Yes, you have… but they aren’t here right now. If the chance arises I’ll introduce you.” The pendant grows heavy around my neck. “And to be honest I’m the lucky one.” Shifting from rubbing, I grip the pendant firmly in my fist, afraid to let it go or else it may vanish right before my eyes.
Oblivious to the turmoil inside me, Anon shifts back in his seat. “Well whoever they are, they really have good taste.”
“Why is that?” I ask.
He smiles. “It’s your eyes. The pendant matches them perfectly.” His voice trails off, focus waning. “Even though I wasn’t sure why at first, the moment I saw them when you came out here I knew they felt familiar. I could sense a kindness in them.”
Scratching the top of his head, Anon begins to rock in his chair as he laughs. “You know… It’s honestly relieving to know I’m not alone out here. Funnily enough, this reminds me of a time when I-” The words die on his tongue as he scrunches his brow. “...I’ve forgotten…”
The suddenness of it all slams into him as that confusion is then turned towards me as he looks back in my direction. Although I have shed many tears this morning for various reasons, this is the first time I have seen them running down his own cheeks instead. His eyes remain wide open as the water flows freely.
“Strange… Lucy, I wonder why I can’t remember.”
The cheerfulness filling his voice seconds ago is gone, replaced instead with frustration as he massages his brow and tries desperately to find an answer… only to fail in the end. For a brief moment, a flash of hopelessness creases his face. It is here that all the compounding grief becomes too much for me to bear.
Releasing the pendant, I move to stand from my chair while picking up the mugs of coffee we have since left abandoned. They are cool to the touch and it is hard to keep the liquid from spilling out as my hands tremble.
“H-How about this, Anon. Why don’t I get us something else to drink and when I come back we can figure it out together? How does that sound?” As the words leave my lips a new emotion takes root.
Shame.
That is all that fills my heart at the clear intentions of my proposal… but it is all that my panicking mind can come up with. Perhaps the idea was spurred on by the genuine dryness of my throat as my voice is noticeably more hoarse.
Anon nods slowly, eyes transfixing on the meadow again. “Sure... Let’s do that.”
Without giving myself a chance to change my mind, I speedily cross the porch and dart back inside the dim house. The mugs barely make it back in one piece as they clatter against the marble countertop and partially spill their contents. My limbs feel like lead, every step I take further sapping my finite strength until I am forced to use my hands to brace against the counter as well. I can feel my breathing become ragged as it morphs into a frenzied pant.
Keep it together Lucy.
Stop being so weak.
You can do this…
…
“Mrs. Mous? Is everything alright? You do not seem to be faring well.” Alissa’s voice echoes throughout the house, surrounding me, suffocating me . She has eyes in every corner making escape from her an impossibility. “If you are in need of assistance, then perhaps I can-”
“NO!” The intensity of my voice startles even me as it rips from my parched throat, causing me to cough lightly. “...No… I just need a minute.” I pause. “Please…”
There is no immediate response from the AI, however a low pitched tone sounds from her speakers, one that I have not heard before and somehow I cannot shake the feeling that it is a sign of her disbelief in my words.
Alissa speaks again. “Very well… If that is what you wish then I will leave you be… but should you require me you need only call out.” A new tone appears, this time of a softer chime. “However I would implore you to not disregard your own health. It… concerns me.”
Hearing her words ignites an infuriation inside my stomach, bolstered by my already panicked state. What is she doing acting like she cares?! What does she know?! She is just a machine. A device created in a lab and lacking any true emotion. She can’t understand what we’re going through, comprehend what it feels like to watch your greatest treasure slowly slip through your fingers no matter how hard you try to hold on.
No one should have to.
What a cruel and sick joke this world has given us.
What did we do to deserve this… or was it just bad luck after all? A poor roll of the dice?
As the sobering reality hits me, I shut my eyes tightly to block out any intruding stimulus and try to regain control of my breathing. Slowly sucking in air over the course of four seconds, I hold, then release for another four second count. I repeat this process and can immediately feel my heart beat also begin to balance itself out; no longer pounding painfully against my chest in a bid to free itself and cling desperately to the life saving tether of the man I left on the porch.
Alone…
He’s waiting for me.
I can’t keep him waiting… but I don’t know what else to do. As much as I want to deny the truth with every fiber of my being, it is clear to see that Anon is getting worse. It’s gradual but still there, stripping away what is left of him until he becomes someone I can no longer recognize.
No longer the man I have come to love.
Can I bear to witness that?
What if I can’t?
…
…
So would you give up on him when he needs you the most?
…
…
My eyes snap open as a bolt of electricity rips through me from the tip of my crest all the way down to my tail, fueled by a striking defiance. Leaning against the counter still, my hands ball into fists along its surface while my wings flare out. The arthritic pain makes itself known to me once more, but it is miniscule compared to the pain of even considering losing my Nonny to this sick and twisted disease.
I will NOT allow it to take him from me. I refuse. I will fight for him until I am but bones and dust.
The throbbing of blood rushing through my veins sweeps away the dizziness as my mind becomes clear once more. Even if I don’t know what to do, I’ll try my best regardless… and that starts by going back out there and being with Anon.
Spinning on my heels, I begin to march my way out back onto the porch and continue my efforts to rescue him… however before I can complete the journey a glimpse of silver takes hold of my attention beyond my periphery. Stopping mid stride, I turn towards the living room fireplace, or more specifically the mantle above it.
Perching atop the length of varnished wood is an expertly crafted stand displaying a single silver feather. MY feather. The very same one I gave to Anon all those years ago the night we swore ourselves to one another. It is a physical manifestation of our bond as mates.
Everlasting.
Eternal.
It calls out to me, beckoning me to draw closer as I give in to its demands and move to stand before it. The feather appears to glow faintly, pulsating to a rhythm that I soon realize is in tune with my own heartbeat. Delicately brushing my fingertips over the resin coated feather, I can so vividly recall the emotions we shared then, now left on presentation to the whole world and all those who visit this home.
One could say that the object in question is enchanted.
That merely picking it up would allow anyone to relive that moment in its purest form.
My entire body twitches at the thought of this realization. If there is one thing that I know is absolute, it is that my love for Anon has not waver for a second since that day, and that he loves me just as deeply. If separated we would scour the ends of Pangea to find each other again.
So maybe… Just maybe… All I need to do is call out to him as well, to act as his guiding light back from wherever he is right now, and my lure is this.
With a graceful motion, I pick up the feather from its stand and hold it preciously in my hands as I turn to make my way back towards the porch. Once at the threshold, I peek around the corner to see Anon keenly watching a pair of birds fly through the sky, chasing one another in a fluent form of playful tag. Though my pendant remains heavy around my neck, the lightness of the feather makes up for it, carrying me forward as I step outside.
Anon looks at me with that same characteristic smile which is now absent of his confliction when I had left him. After recognizing me, he eyes the object I am holding as I carefully kneel down before him.
“What do you have there, Lucy?” he asks.
I can’t help but beam a rosy smile. “Something very important to me. Would you like to see it?”
He does not hesitate. “If it is that special to you, then of course!”
I nod. “Then hold out your hands for me.” Doing as requested, Anon proffers his hands together to receive the feather. It is hard to keep my motions still as anticipation courses through me with all my hopes and dreams riding on this last effort.
As soon as the transfer is complete Anon pulls the feather up closer to his face to inspect it while shifting it around in the sunlight to see its entirety. My own hands draw to my chest in a silent prayer.
“S-So? What do you think?” My voice nearly cracks.
He strokes the surface of the plumage reverently. “It’s truly stunning. It feels almost like it’s radiating a comforting warmth from itself. It's… pleasant to hold.”
An undoubtedly promising reaction… and yet in spite of it he turns back to me with a sense no different than when he first received it. “I see why you cherish it so much. Thank you for sharing it with me.” He says as he lowers it again and extends his arms to give it back to me.
Growing disappointment swirls around inside me as I try to think of something else to say to get him to hold onto it longer. He just needs to bask in its presence more, I know it! But… Why was it not enough? Did I mistake what I felt inside as wrong? Does he no longer comprehend its significance to us?
A storm of excuses and possibilities rage like a maelstrom in my mind, yet on the eve of damnation I find the spark once more.
Instead of taking it, I fold my hands over his as I move to stand again. “Why don’t you hold onto it for a while longer? At least until I’m finished.”
He tilts his head. “Finished what?”
I smile. “My story. If you still feel the same way after that then I’ll take it back from you, but until then please keep it close to your heart.”
Although he is clearly confused by my words and actions, Anon nonetheless nods in understanding as he retracts the feather. Retaking my seat, I close my eyes and recall all that I can of that time, digging deep to unearth the rawest memories of when we were in our prime and our love unbreakable.
The night we swore an oath to one another.
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// Saturday, August 28th, 201M2021 B.C. //
Bidding farewell to the last remnants of the sun’s natural illumination, the dominating night takes its place as it ushers in alongside itself a mesmerizing blanket of twinkling stars under the watchful eye of their father nebula. A half crescent moon rises slowly into the sky to be our dignified observer as the balmy air is filled with joyful laughter from our place around the roaring bonfire.
Batting my wings out from their position behind me, I eagerly lean into the shoulder of the person sitting beside me on the ground in the open field’s campsite and proceed to cocoon us both within my downy plumage. An appreciative arm moves to coil around my waist in response, pulling me as close to them as can be.
Anon lets out a satisfied breath. “No matter the time or place, I don’t think I will ever get tired of these wing hugs of yours, Fang. It beats out a fluffy blanket any day in my books.”
I giggle. “You better think that, dweeb… and don’t worry, they are reserved only for your enjoyment.”
He nods. “Good. Cause I don’t know what I would do without them.”
Adjusting my snout to fit up along his neck, I can see Anon looking back down at me with a wide smile on his lips. The flickering light of the fire reflects off his eyes as they are trained solely on me, as are mine on him. If I ever had to claim a perfect moment, this would be it. In his arms without a care in the world and surrounded by our friends.
Lowering my gaze, I scan across the area around us to see the several other individuals enjoying the night.
“Oh~ Isn’t this just wonderful?” asks Rosa. The orange ankylosaur pats down her floral dress as she pulls out another plate of prepared food and places it alongside the other three. “I am so glad we could all spend this time together after so long. I have missed you all so very much. No lo cambiaría por nada! ”
Stella nods from beside her as she takes one of the offered snacks. “Yeah! It’s rare that we can get all of us together like this with how busy our lives have become. I think the last time was when we were all graduating from high school last year.”
Across from her, a pair of leathery wings cast a shadow over the parasaur mirroring my pose as he wraps it around her. Naser scratches his cheek thoughtfully. “I’ll say. Applications for college have been seriously consuming what little free time we have as it is. To be honest, I think this is just the start of it once next month rolls around.”
A round of head nods provides his comment with unanimous agreement.
“But look on the bright side, Amigos,” says Reed as he leans back on one hand and uses his other to raise a can of beer into the sky. “The future is ours for the taking. We’ve all set our sights on something, and I know sticking to our guns will get us to where we want to go. I can feel it.”
Trish snorts a laugh as she looks at him with amusement. “And where exactly are these wise words coming from? You’re not hopped up on all that carfe again, are you?”
Reed’s beaming smile tells us the answer we all already knew. “I have no idea what you are talking about. It’s just the wind speaking to me, man. After all, with what I have planned I’m aiming for nothing less than being the richest raptor in the world.” He then waves his arms in the air in a wide arc for emphasis.
We all collectively stare at him with bewilderment… only to burst out laughing once more in a shared notion. Reed doesn’t seem to mind however as he takes a swig of his beer, much to the ire of the male ptero sitting not ten feet from him for underage drinking.
As the noise dies down and everyone moves on to talking about their future prospects, I can’t help but accept that they all have a point. In less than two weeks we will be starting the next chapter of our lives. Fortunately, we all managed to get into some institute locally in a field we are interested in… and that includes Anon too, even if that didn’t seem to be the case for the longest time.
My hand finds Anon’s as our fingers interlock and he places a kiss on the top of my head.
Initially he had resigned himself to taking admission to an out of state college for sound engineering due to its promising scholarship offer. Given his money situation, I couldn’t blame him… even if the idea of having him so far away hurt more than I will ever admit openly. I would have had to say goodbye to my precious dweeb even if it was only for a few years.
But just before Christmas we received life altering news in the form of a new acceptance letter from a local college willing to take Anon on, scholarship included though not as generous as his initial offer. Apparently there had been a mixup with a wrongly printed address which was the cause for the letter's delayed arrival.
I swear those assholes running the place need to get their shit together before they give me a heart attack.
And while Anon was joyous at first, of course, he still wasn’t sure he could accept it due to the outstanding costs of attendance that the scholarship didn’t cover. Despite being the stubborn fool who wouldn’t ask for help, I went ahead and talked to my family about it. Once Mom and Dad knew about the situation they didn’t hesitate to do what they could to help. Even Moe got involved too, all in an effort to keep my boyfriend from getting shipped off and away from my loving wings.
Begrudgingly taking the aid, Anon accepted the offer for the local college which is what leads us to now. I can’t help but smile as I remember the talk we had afterwards about not going behind his back like that again… even if he is thankful that I did. He simply didn’t want to be a burden on everyone else, not that he could ever be. But that’s just another part of what I love about him, That selfless and caring nature to put others before himself.
He is everything I could ever want.
And he will stay with me until the end of time.
…
Right…?
…
The flash of doubt causes me to blink due to its sudden appearance within my thoughts, sneaking out from someplace unseen or perhaps a deep and dark place within my own heart. It’s been a long time since I’ve entertained giving an ear to what may rear its ugly head from there, yet with such a colossal change in our lives closing in on us I can’t help but listen.
Despite solving the issue of being able to attend the same college together, I wonder if the experience itself will spur a change between us. We’re growing up and coming to terms with the people we want to be. It wouldn’t be the first time I’ve heard of high school sweethearts going their separate ways once they reach college after finding out they no longer are a match for one another.
My lips crease into a line as I clutch to Anon’s arm ever tighter, a bid of refusal to let him go. No… I won’t let something like that happen. I can’t give myself into fear.
But what if…
“...Fang?”
Hearing my name snaps me right out of my delusion to see Anon watching me with a look of concern on his face.
“Hmm? O-Oh, sorry. Were you saying something, Anon?”
He nods. “I was just asking if you were ready to head out. It looks like the others are talking about calling it for the night and you seemed to be lost in your thoughts. Is everything alright?”
I hesitate before forcing a weary smile. “Y-Yeah! I’m fine, just a bit tired is all.” A pathetically weak laugh follows up my too quick response as Anon raises an eyebrow unconvinced, but he does not press the matter further either.
Standing to retrieve a bucket of water we had set aside for exactly this reason, Naser leads the movement to stretch as the others do the same. The last to move is Naomi as she gets up and dusts off her pants before beginning to collect the tools used to start the fire in the first place.
“Do you need any help bringing that back to your car, Naomi?” asks Anon. He is already in motion to pick up a bag of remaining firewood but stops when the parasaur shakes her head.
“That is very kind of you, Anon, but Naser and I have got it covered.” She glances between us. “By the way, are you two still interested in joining us tomorrow for brunch?”
Anon nods. “Definitely. I’ve actually been meaning to take Fang there for some time now so it works out in the end.”
“Wonderful!” says Naomi as she claps her hands together. “Well then we will be sure to text you tomorrow morning. I am looking quite forward to it.”
Following this, Naomi resumes her work of collecting the scattered objects as Anon makes his way back to me. He offers a hand to help me up from my place on the grass. “Ready to go, Sweet Tooth?”
The grappling hands of my depressing thoughts weigh me down at first, but then I come to witness that charming smile of his that acts as a banishing light, freeing me. “Sure thing.”
Graciously accepting his offer, I am subsequently hauled to my feet as the fire sizzles and dies out with Naser pouring the bucket of water over it. Wisps of smoke spiral into the air as I blink several times to adjust my eyes to the shift in brightness. After a few seconds I manage to recover enough to bid my own farewells to our friends and my brother as we separate to head home.
While everyone else has parted in the same direction towards the accompanying parking lot, Anon and I step in the opposite direction, opting to walk home despite Naser’s offer to give us a ride. After finding out Anon will be staying local, we decided to rent an apartment together which was the cheaper option and granted us the freedom of not being hounded by my parents every day. And fortunately it isn’t too far from here either, simply requiring us to cut across the field and catch a short bus ride.
Besides, I think we both secretly wanted to enjoy each other’s company a little more before calling it a night anyways.
After losing sight of the others and the campsite, Anon turns to me with a look that can only spell out that he didn’t want to leave anything unsaid between us. “So? Are you going to tell me what is bothering you, or do I need to beg here?” His teasing tone lightens the mood in light of the seriousness of his question.
Clearly he won’t let me slip by with some half assed answer, not that I had any intention of hiding anything from him. That was one of the more important rules we’ve learned being together. Hiding secrets only leads to festering wounds that will come back to bite us some day.
Pulling the jacket I am wearing close, and admittedly one I had stolen from him months ago, I close my eyes and sigh. “It’s nothing you haven’t heard before, merely that… what Naser and the others said got me thinking. About growing up and all that.”
Anon nods. “I get what you mean. It’s hard to say any of this isn’t daunting in the slightest, and I would be lying if I said I wasn't nervous either. Hell, I switched schools last minute and barely got all my paperwork together on time.”
‘Not that it’s any of my fault to begin with… Stupid schools and their down to the wire decisions. Seriously, if I wasn’t so desperate for their offer I would give them a piece of my mind… So close to leaving Fang behind… Thank you Raptor Jesus for giving me this blessing to stay with her.’
Hearing his honest words and knowing that his muttering is as bad as ever puts a genuine smile on my beak as I open my eyes again to see Anon staring ahead with a concentrated look. He doesn't even realize just how much comfort he has given me by this secret hack of mine.
Although there is some truth to those doubts, I can confidently say that they are not what I should be worrying about right now. It is clear to see that I mean just as much to Anon as he does to me. Even if our lives change drastically and we may eventually become different people, we will still love each other.
A swelling sense of pride fills my chest as I flap my wings a few times in emphasis. Anon is the only one for me. I want to stand by his side through any storm, any challenge or trial and come out stronger because of it.
A series of whispers sweep through the back of my mind, not in relation to those I staved off minutes prior, but of a more personal note. Hushed words that mom has shared with me countless times in the past concerning a very important decision that I will one day have to make.
Glancing at Anon who is still oblivious to my gaze, I can feel my heart pounding harder as my wings itch to hold him.
It is at this moment that I know the answer to the question that I have been asking myself since we started dating over a year ago… So then… I guess that would mean this is the time to-
Amidst my internal declaration, Anon jerks his head to see me staring longingly at him. Without a word, an ever widening smile graces his lips, and I can tell it isn’t a simple one. No. Dwelling within it is the purest form of love and affection, one that he will only ever direct at a single person.
His one and only.
I love you, Fang. Now and forever.
Between my already buzzing state of mind and his heartfelt notion, a gasp slips past my parted lips as my chest bursts into a flaming storm of raw emotion. The intensity of it causes my feet to stop in place as I watch Anon carry on for several more paces before stopping as well. He turns back to me with a look of confusion.
“What’s wrong? Did you forget something back at the campsite?”
I clasp my hands together above my chest, encapsulating the amber pendant hanging there dearly. Its warmth soaks into my scales as I recall being told a dozen times that I would know when the time was right, that it would present itself in a way I could not anticipate.
My voice croaks as I attempt to keep myself calm. “No, I-” The words feel heavy on my tongue. This isn’t right, I can’t do it out here in the open, I need to find a more secluded place.
Frantically searching around us which I’m sure only is confusing Anon further, I spot a particularly massive oak tree sitting alone in the middle of the field not far away. Its branches reach out in a sweeping arc around itself, providing a dense shadow against the moonlight.
Moving swiftly, my legs close the distance between Anon and I as I take his hand in mine before practically dragging him towards the shelter of the wooden sentry.
Anon stutters. “W-Woah! Fang, what’s gotten into you all of a sudden?!” However, his words fall on deaf ears as he tries not to stumble.
With bated breath, I train all that I am on a single spot before us as I count the steps until reaching the desired location. As we near, our motion through the noticeably longer grass close to the base of the tree sends forth a scattering of bugs flying into the air that I am unable to identify in my current state.
As soon as I am satisfied with our distance from everything around us, I release Anon’s hand, though I still make an effort to look around and make sure we are truly alone. I cannot spot a single other soul, allowing me to let out a relieved breath.
Now standing within the darkened shadow of the tree, it is hard to make out anything except for the pendant around my neck as it burns brightly, as does my cheeks as I can’t help but blush. The anticipation is killing me, spurred on by my wings while they twitch behind me.
Turning to look back at Anon, I wrap myself in the downy plumage to both keep them steady and to allow me to search thoroughly through the rows of feathers so that I can find the one .
“...Do you remember what I told you when we first started dating? That while humans have their own customs for showing their devotion for one another, so do pteros?”
Anon hesitates, caught off guard by my sudden question but quickly finds the means to recover. “Of course I do. I don’t think I could ever forget such a thing. After that day I even went ahead and read up on everything I could about it.” He begins to slowly walk towards me.
Hearing the consideration in his words causes my lips to curl up in a small smile. “Well…” While all my silver treasures cry out to be picked, I eventually find the one most deserving, demanding to be held and accepted. I begin to stroke it. “I can certainly say that what you can read in a book can tell you only so much… especially when it comes to considering our mates. We get… jealous very easily. Protective if you will.”
He chuckles softly. “Yeah… don’t I know it. I still remember when you- wait… mates? Is this…” His eyes widen as the nature of our conversation finally hits him, but it is too late as he has reached me at the foot of the tree, now standing by my side.
“That’s right, mates. Though its meaning has changed over time to adapt to modern society, this has always been a closely guarded tradition for us. Between all that we could ever share together, this is undeniably the most important.”
A lukewarm breeze travels past us, rustling the leaves and branches overhead to allow thin strips of moonlight to penetrate the otherwise solid cover. A few of these breaks in light waves against us, allowing our eyes to only catch a peek at each other’s forms, much like the prying eyes of the stars hidden before they disappear once more.
I can feel tears begin to well up at the corner of my eyes as I continue. “When we find it is the time to pair off for life, the female would reach into her dominant wing and pluck a solitary feather to gift to her beloved. Her other half. Her mate…. A show of their union-”
My body shivers as a sharp gasp of trepidation interrupts my words. Anon immediately moves to comfort me as he extends a hand towards me, however I pull away at the last moment. All that I am yearns to feel his touch, but I must be patient. There is a question that must be answered.
Leaning into my retreat, I place a good several feet between us as I turn to face him fully. “This feather, this treasure is a promise that will mark him as forever hers… and she his. I wanted to bring this up with you last year, but… with all the chaos in our lives then my heart hesitated. My mind was a mess… now however…” My lips quiver as I finally give into what has been building up inside me all this time.
From their place around me, I flare my wings out to their maximum length in a motion of demonstration to show him everything that I am in my entirety. Along the way, the tips of my wings brush past the grass and send forth a striking wave of bugs into the air like before. However, this time, I recognize the tiny insects as they burst to life. The cloud of fireflies lights up the space around us in a mesmerizing dance, spiraling into the sky and granting me sight of the man standing before me.
In the glow of faint yellow, Anon’s piercing emerald eyes latch onto me as they take in my display. They shimmer in awe of what he is seeing, and this realization causes my heart to ignite.
“Anon Yule Mous, I love you more than you can possibly imagine and I want to walk alongside you until we both turn to dust. So I ask you, will you swear yourself to me as I swear myself to you, to always return to my side within my awaiting wings and promise that no matter the struggle we face we will do so together?” My voice becomes a whisper. “You are my home, and I can only feel truly safe in your arms.”
I instinctively close my eyes in eager anticipation of his answer as I loose the tears I have been holding back. A mixture of joy, happiness… and fear. Seconds tick by without a word from Anon which make me panic, at least until I feel an all too familiar warmth spread across my cheek and lower back.
Opening my eyes I see Anon now standing directly before me, caressing my cheek on this threateningly lonely night as he wipes away my tears. I am then subsequently pulled deeper into him as he rests his own cheek on my crest.
“Lucy… This has never been a question to me. Honestly, I knew about this but wanted to hear it all from you when you were ready. And I have to say, you have no idea how happy I am right now to finally be in this moment with you.” He squeezes me. “I would be honored and there isn’t anyone else in this world I would rather receive this gift from. I know times will be tough ahead of us, but we will fight through it all, together, just like we always have.”
He retracts his head just enough for our eyes to meet again as he smiles. “I love you, Lucy Elizabeth Aaron, and I want you to be mine forever.”
The resolve in his eyes is unquestionable. Undeniable. Irrefutable. And that only causes more tears to stream down my face while I bring my wings back closer to myself. Without even needing to look, my fingers find the feather I had identified before as I greet it with an age-old plucking motion of three fingers to grasp it.
I tense as I ready for the coming pain, yet a soothing ease spreads from where Anon’s hand is placed on my back as he moves it in a delicately circular motion. Easing my nerves, I suck in a sharp breath and yank out the feather. I can't help but wince in pain, but that sensation is quickly forgotten as he captures my lips to further comfort me. My body threatens to melt as I return the gesture.
Anon breaks the kiss a few seconds later, allowing me enough space to watch his reaction as I hold up the freshly drawn feather between us. With my treasure in hand, one so great, so light, and without equal, I present to him the heaviest of oaths. There is fortunately no blood on it to stain its visage as it remains pristine, considering removing a primary feather is never easy. That is what makes it so significant, the consequences of doing so fresh in my mind.
The feather won’t grow back… ever .
Doing this I am giving Anon a piece of myself, one that will be seen by the rest of my kind as a sign of being taken.
A badge I will wear proudly knowing who it belongs to.
Anon releases me as he lifts a hand reverently to the feather, fingers caressing it just as tenderly as he had me if not more so. This is a moment we can never take back, but looking into his eyes now I can see that he understands this and accepts it with all his heart. Moving to complete the transition, I give no resistance as he takes the feather from me and holds it close to his chest.
As he does this, a new and stronger gust of rising wind passes by as it attempts to steal the feather, our first test to protect the bond between us. A spotlight of moonlight rains down upon us from the broken canopy as the fireflies twirl and flutter around us to be our silent spectators.
However, Anon protects the feather as dearly as he would me, standing firm against those external forces that would attempt to intrude upon us. It is safe with him, my home, just as I am.
A broad smile etches itself across my beak as I move to kiss him again, this time using my wings to shield us as well from the outside world. He doesn't have to do this alone. I am right here with him. Always. And soon we are engulfed in a blissful darkness as we feel each other’s warmth.
He is the one.
My one and only.
There will never be another.
He is mine , and I am his.
Forever.
Within our sightless embrace, I raise my voice just enough so that it may reach his ears. “Let us never be apart until the end of our days. From now on, forever and a day, we are mates.”
And the only home we will ever need.
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Opening my eyes once more, I find myself returned to the present as the preciously guarded memory falls away and leaves in its place a calming glow inside my chest. That day is one I have cherished as it was the one that cascaded us into this wonderful life we’ve lived. If I were given the chance to go back and do it all again I can't say I would take the offer. For all our struggles, scars and rewards included, we’ve earned our peace.
And it is reassuring to know that the raw emotion I felt then still holds true now as I swallow while lifting my glasses to wipe my misty eyes for the second time today. But now the real question presents itself to me as I hold my breath and glance towards Anon.
Sitting in his rocking chair, he is silent with eyes closed that he must have shut at some point during my story. He had listened intently just like I had asked which spurs me on to scan his features for any sign of recollection as I had.
What I find however is a stone cold expression, one devoid of all reaction. He isn’t tearing up as I had, snapping his eyes open in search of his remembered mate, or even clutching to the feather anymore as it lays loose in his open hands, ready to be taken by the wind at a moment’s notice.
My stomach sinks at realizing my plan hadn’t worked, but I suppose it might have been a long shot. Still… anything was worth trying at this point in my desperation. We are back to square one… though now with just that bit less of hope.
All around us life has ceased to exist. There are no birds chirping or wind to stir the dormant meadow ahead, which leaves us to sit in suffocating silence surrounded by a dead environment.
You tried your best, Lucy.
Now it is time to accept reality.
With a defeated sigh, I stand from my chair and approach Anon who remains perfectly still and could easily be mistaken for a puppet with all of its strings cut by how lax he is. The smile and joy he had shown despite not fully comprehending the situation is absent.
So with a heavy heart I bend over to reach down and-
Anon’s eyes snap open just as my fingers brush the feather, his body moving with surprising speed to remove it from my reach. I reflexively retreat in a flash of worry that I had startled him, but he makes no further action to move or speak, only watching me intently with a frown on his face.
Then, he speaks, voice low and eyes intense. “...Stay away…” Confusion mars my features as I shift in place to regain my balance. However this slight movement causes him to hold the feather tightly against himself. “I said STAY AWAY!”
I unconsciously stake a step back at the intensity in his voice that is practically a shout now. This isn’t the first time I have experienced him having a sudden outburst. In any case where he feels overwhelmed or threatened he always lashes out. But no matter how many times I see it, it is never any less frightening. It always comes down to a fear of him hurting himself, though now that fear is intensified as I know he is still holding onto my treasure. Regardless of intention he might damage it.
And I can’t let that happen.
Moving with a slow and calming motion like I have used so many times in the past, I lower myself to his eye level and hold out my hands. “It’s alright, Anon. You’re safe… but I need you to give me that feather. It’s very important to me.”
Anger flashes across Anon’s face. “No! You can’t have it! This is the last piece I have of her . I won’t let you take her from me! ”
…
What?
More than the remaining intensity of his words, it is what he said that causes me to pause. Her? Wait… does he mean-
However before I can wrap my head around his insinuation, Anon stands from his chair in a fervent attempt to flee as he hobbles along the porch with his bad knees back inside the house.
“W-Wait! Anon! Come back!”
He ignores my pleas as the screen door is thrown open with such force that the hinges nearly snap under the strain. My mind races with all the possible horrible scenarios that could unfold before me now, particularly him hurting himself or worse which prompts me to chase after him as fast as my weathered body can manage.
Stepping back inside the house, I turn to see Anon standing in the middle of the living room before the mantle that I had gotten the feather from. His shoulders are trembling and I can hear him muttering something to himself as he frantically looks around.
‘Where are you? Where did you go? I need you… Please come back to me… Please. I’m cold… Where are your wings?!’ He wails out a desperate bid to find me even though I am trailing close behind him, only an arms length away. “Please come back! I’m scared!”
Seeing him in his current state pains me to no end. He has been through enough as it is, he does not deserve to be tortured like this.
However, I do not have time to dwell on this concern as new panic swiftly rises in me as my beloved still clutches my treasure close to his heart after my previous attempt to take it from him. I need to calm him down lest he damages the brittle plumage after all these years.
“Nonny… please …” My voice is not even a whisper, but it might as well have been as loud a thunder in our living room.
He spins on me with a nasty teeth-bearing snarl, one that I have only seen a handful of times in our sixty four years together as it contorts his otherwise perfect features. Even so, I recoil in shock as this anger has NEVER been directed towards me personally. “Only she’s allowed to call me that!” His voice is aggressive, ripping through me and making the feathers on my elbows stiffen in defense.
For the first time ever I feel genuinely terrified of him.
However…
Swallowing hard, I nonetheless force myself to approach him once more as I begin to hold out my hands in a bid to receive the delicate silver feather. Maybe now with the mantle near he will be more willing for me to take it and place it back to its home there.
Except I freeze in place at what I see next.
Tears.
A ceaselessly flowing river of tears stream down his face as he continues to clutch my gift to him further, still moving in a motion that I now recognize as a protective one. The feather was never in danger to begin with, not in his caring hands.
Strength leaving him, Anon slowly slumps to his knees while cradling the feather ever so delicately, holding it up before him to inspect it as though making sure it hasn't broken into a million unsalvageable pieces.
“This was a gift from her… my mate… why are you trying to take it from me? This is all that I have left of her.” His voice is scared, his form now appearing so small and helpless, but in his heart… somehow, someway… he remembers.
Did it work afterall?!
Was I able to rekindle a dwindling ember inside of him?
On the eve of desolation, hope blooms within me as I sink down before him and offer a heartening smile. “I’m here… I’m right here, Nonny. Look at me.”
Responding to my words, Anon raises his head to meet my gaze, working hard to register the person right in front of him. Eventually he comes to a conclusion… eyes narrowing in distrust.
“Who are you?! You’re not my Lucy! You’re an imposter wearing her face and scales!”
My lips tremble as his outcry pierces the air between us, filling it with an animosity I didn’t expect… and is unceremoniously the final blow that breaks the thin threads holding me together.
“N-No… I-I’m Lucy… your wife. Don’t you-” STOP! Don’t do it! Remember begging will only make things worse. You have to- “....Don’t you remember?! Please… You have to… Please I-”
And just as I knew would happen, my desperate demands only sent him further into his hostility.
“I don’t know who you are! Stay away from me! S-Stay away. I- I…” As quickly as his anger had appeared, it vanishes along with his remaining strength, leaving behind anguish and confusion as he succumbs to exhaustion.
Anon bends forward, weakly sobbing as his tears stain the carpet, all the fight in him gone. He is done. Empty. Almost like a husk. Back to being the ember barely holding on. “I miss my wife…”
And while terror still grips me, a stronger emotion emerges to comfort the poor soul. Clarity. Brought forth by the knowledge that while he may not remember me now, he is clearly fighting to hold on. That Anon, the man that I fell in love with, is still in there… somewhere.
Careful not to startle him by accident, I wordlessly move to his side and gingerly place my hands on his quivering back where I press the rest of my body against his as my wings slowly wrap around us. He tenses at first, but that gradually melts away into my touch. Continuing to clutch the feather, his breathing returns to normal as he uses his free hand to reach out and stroke the curtain of similar plumage encircling him.
Though I cannot see his face, I can tell that the faintest of smiles comes to rest on his lips.
Finally… he is at peace again.
Sensing his ease, it is my turn to weep as deep sobs rack my entire being while I lean against him, holding on as if the universe would take him away from me the moment I let go. Within myself, I repeat the mantra tied to my soul.
I’m right here, Nonny.
I won’t leave you.
Even if I must wait for an eternity, until I am nothing but dust… I will guide you home again.
That is the promise we made all those years ago and I have never gone back on my word.
My mouth opens slightly as I whisper into his ear reassuringly. “I love you.”
And to my surprise, he responds. “ Now, forever and a day…”
With those mumbled words, my heart thumps with a renewed vigor.
Our oath, he still remembers it despite all that he has forgotten.
He’s still here…
My beloved dweeb is still here!
Come back to me when you can.
I will be waiting to welcome you home into my wings.