Work Text:
When Amanda was a little girl, she never saw her life going this way. She didn't expect to fall in love with an Vulcan Ambassador. Nor did she expected to fall so deeply that she was willing to leave her planet and family behind for him, to reside on a planet where many hated her simply because of what she was. Yet as much as she loved her husband, she did not understand true love until she held her son in her arms for the very first time over 26 human years ago.
That first night, she didn't sleep at all and it had nothing to do with a crying child. Even though she was exhausted from the grueling childbirth, she sat beside Spock's crib to make sure that he was okay. She couldn't bear it if anything happen to her little miracle. She was sure that her husband snuck in to the nursery like area for the same reason. He verbally denied it, but their link told her the truth.
When Spock was growing up she wanted to protect him from the cruelty of his peers and their parents, but she couldn't. She was well aware that when her husband was not around she was refer to by various synonyms for prostitute by the majority of the Vulcan population. She knew her son heard many of the same insults (which is why he broke the nose of one of his classmates, even though she wish he didn't). She didn't care what they said about her, but she rather die than see her son suffer because of their bigotry.
When her son tried to be as Vulcan as possible Amanda accepted it because she loved him. No matter who her son chooses to be, Amanda will accept him as he is. She wishes others could do the same.
Amanda will never tell her husband this, but she was happy when her son decided to move to Earth and join Starfleet instead of attend the Vulcan Science Academy. At least on Earth people still acknowledge that they harbor prejudice instead of like on Vulcan where individuals value diversity in word but not action. Amanda believed Spock would be happier on Earth.
Her husband did not see Spock's choice the same way she did and has not spoken to their son since his decision to relocate to Earth. However, every time Spock contacted her, Sarek always asks for a detailed account of the conversation. If he didn't care he wouldn't ask about his son.
Just like with his peers that persecuted her son for his human DNA, she could not protect her son from the pain of a broken heart. (Even if like most Vulcans her son argued that he didn't have a metaphorical heart to break.) For example there was T'Pring who dissolved their bond supposedly because of Spock's choice to go to Earth. Amanda knows that breaking the bond was painful for Spock. On a positive note, she never really liked the Vulcan anyway and was happy she would not become a permanent part of their family. The thought of that wretched woman giving her grandchildren was disturbing. Amanda was also not surprised to learn that T'Pring was carrying on with Stonn, one of the boys who constantly tormented Spock in his youth.
Despite all arguments otherwise, Amanda knew her son was a hopeless romantic. She discovers his stash of pre-reform Vulcan love poems and old earth romantic comedies when Spock was 12. One must be completely in love with the concept of love if they have every single relationship memorized in both earth films Valentine's Day and Love Actually. She knew her son actively sought the type of love talked about in old Vulcan and Earth literature.
Amanda had heard Spock speak many times of those that he had thought he had fallen in love with. No, he never said out loud that he loved any of these individuals, but she knew. Spock is his father's son after all. Just like with his father she always knows when he's in love. Actions are more important than words.
There is a certain pattern of behavior that tells her that her son is enamored with a person. First, that individual becomes the focus of every single conversation they have instead of Spock work with Starfleet or any private research. She didn't notice this pattern until Spock's crush on the horrible girl who only wanted to date her son simply because she found dating him exotic. (Yes, she is well aware of what said girl was really doing with her son, much to her son's embarrassment, but like most mothers she would like to keep up that delusion that her son will stay celibate until his true bonding.) It becomes quite obvious to her that Spock has a crush when he starts talking about the 21st-century pop music that a certain female cadet preferres.
The second thing that occurs when her son is enamored with the person is he will become obsessed with finding out everything possible about the individual. Amanda probably knows more about Captain Pike's service record then his Admiral after listening to Spock during his Captain Pike crush phase.
The final sign is her son will actually have some sort of noticeable emotional response in the individuals presence. Usually this emotion was happiness. Although in the case of Nyota those emotions were often frustration and confusion.
The situation with Nyota did not last long because her son was already becoming enamored with another individual. A little more than seven months ago during a conversation about the Kobayashi Maru simulation that her son programmed, Spock mentioned an encounter with a fascinating but slightly crazy student who actually believed that no situation was truly un-winnable. Spock went on to talk about everything he found out about James Tiberius Kirk during the course of his "research". Amanda wonders if she should tell Spock that his father "researched" her the same way when they first met.
The next time Spock called, he spent several minutes discussing teaching James how to play the game of chess. That was interesting enough because Spock hated teaching anyone how to play. However, what was really shocking was for the first time ever her son completely forgot to mention anything about his scientific research or classes. Spock was so enamored with the boy that he accidentally told her that he made direct contact with James's hand on multiple occasions. Although James probably did not know the significance of such a gesture (she did not at first, except for the tingling sensation) Amanda instantly realized her son was completely taken with the fascinating young man. In other words, he was in LOVE.
Every single conversation she has had in the last several months with her son has focused on James. She knows that James is successfully completing the command track in three years instead of the four it takes most humans and that he will be serving on Enterprise with her son after graduation. James will also most likely be valedictorian. Spock also told her that he is the son of the late George Kirk but hates being compared to a man that he never met. Amanda picks up on the fact that James most likely speaks better Vulcan then she does but has no idea what the terms of endearment Spock calls him really mean. She knows that James is allergic to blueberries and soy. She is also well aware that James has the most intriguing blue eyes and is extremely aesthetically pleasing.
By the time her son called her on a late spring night she was already well aware that he was completely in love with James Tiberius Kirk whether he wanted to acknowledge the emotion or not.
The only problem is every time her son fell in love in the past it always ended badly. A few times, she was positive Spock would have cried if such a thing were physically possible for him. Therefore, when her son called her after midnight planet time she was worried. His usual stoic expression did not tell her anything involving his emotional state, but it never did.
He said he was well, but she wondered if he truly was. Her son was a master of the semi-lie. She was slightly worried when he mention that he was conflicted However, she was not expecting his question.
"How does one know if they are in love?" She honestly couldn't help but smile when he asked her that.
"Does this particular inquiry have anything to do with your friend James?" She is positive that she has for the very first time rendered her highly intelligent son speechless. Spock stares at the screen for a few moments before he says anything.
"How do you know James is involved in this situation?"
"Spock, for months James is the only person you speak about. He has also accidentally answered your com at least twice when I have called. Would you like to explain to me why James was in your bedroom 1.2 weeks ago when I called you up at 5:46 AM Pacific Standard Time?"
"Not particularly Mother." She is almost positive she sees a tinge of green color her son's cheeks.
"You're 26 years old. If you wish to engage in more human like sexual practices that is your choice. I will always be proud of you no matter what you do. However, please spare me any details. I prefer to stay in a state of absolute ignorance until you show up to the house with biologically engineered grandchildren."
"Such a stance is illogical. I seriously doubt that any future children I have will be welcomed in that house as long as my father chooses to completely ignore my existence. Jim is just a friend, anyway."
"By the human or the Vulcan definition of the word? I personally believe it is the Vulcan definition because otherwise you would not have ask me how one can tell if they are in love." Again her son turned green in front of her.
"I am uncertain of my feelings regarding Jim Kirk." He said with slight hesitance that only she could pick up on.
"Son, I'm just happy that you have acknowledged the fact that you have any emotions whatsoever regarding your James. Are these emotions that you feel for him positive or negative?"
"In Jim's presence I have felt happiness, sadness, trust, joy, irritation, familial closeness, anger, affection, frustration, amusement, anticipation, and aro…"
"I asked you to spare me the details of that particular part of your relationship. Most Vulcans are much more reluctant to speak about anything of a sexual nature."
"As you and James so often point out I am half human. It is only logical that I do not have the same perspective as my fully Vulcan contemporaries."
"You are now completely comfortable with such a thing?"
"My perspective is adjusting."
"Because of James?"
"James is a very important part of my life. He has taught me many things. He has become very close to me. He is my best friend. I trust him more than anyone else. I also find him quite aesthetically pleasing." Amanda wondered if this was a good time to let him know that his father felt all those same things in regard to her before he actually asked her to bond with him.
"Yet you are unsure if what you feel for him is true love." She said it as a statement not a question.
"In the past I have assumed that I love someone and that they love me only to discover through extremely painful experiences that my hypothesis was erroneous. Due to those painful experiences, I do not trust my own judgment to determine if I love Jim or if he loves me."
Her son then preceded to explain the entire situation from finding the PADD that was essentially Jim's personal diary to the incident this afternoon with the linguist who kept trying to get with her son. She must admit that she was a little worried that the Admiralty would see Spock's reprogramming of the Kobayashi Maru as cheating or at the very least showing favoritism to a student due to a personal "relationship". She personally believed her son must be in love if he was willing to do something that reckless. She is going to be looking into shuttle times to Earth after this conversation is over. She needed to meet Jim in person especially if he gets her son kicked out a Starfleet for being a fool in love.
"This is why I'm conflicted." Spock said as he finished his explanation.
"Spock you're not conflicted. You already know that he loves you just as you know you love him. You're just afraid to get your heart broken."
"It is impossible to break the Vulcan heart. That statement is illogical."
"But the human heart is quite fragile. Contrary to popular belief, Vulcan emotions run deeper than human emotions ever could. You are affected by both. Spock there's nothing logical about love. It's messy and confusing and there is no logic involved with who one falls in love with. You my child are afraid of losing your heart if you were to completely give it to him."
"I am not afraid of losing my heart. I am afraid of losing Jim." He said softly.
"At least you are being honest. Even though you argue otherwise I know your heart has been broken a few times by several people who were undeserving of you. There is no greater pain then having the person you love not return that love. But you can't take that out on Jim. You can't be afraid to give him your heart because of your past experiences."
"How have you dealt with being in love with someone who does not love you?"
"I have never experienced such a thing. Contrary to what you believe, I know your father loves me. I would not have left my planet or my family behind if I did not know beyond all shadow of a doubt the depths of his feelings. I would not stay on a planet where I am treated as the dirt beneath someone's feet just because I am human if I did not know deep down of the love that your father has for me."
"That is not what father said to me. When I was a child I asked him why he married you and he said it was logical."
"It was logical because he loved me. If I did not completely believe that your father loved me you would not be here. You my child were not conceived out of logic, but complete love. We would not have brought you into this world if we did not love each other."
"How can you know that he loves you if he never says the words?"
"Words are meaningless without actions. Love is not always expressed in words, but in deeds. Did you ever wondered why we were the only home on Vulcan with air conditioning or a rose garden? Although it probably helps that I have a direct link to your father's mind. Regardless I still know he loves me."
"Unfortunately, I do not have the same courtesy with James."
"Yet." she added in her mind to his statement. At this point, she was positive James would be her son in law someday if not by the end of the week.
"You may never say the words to me but I know you love me. I know by the way you call me for advice when you are conflicted. I know you love me because of the silly gifts you send me from the various places you visit. I know you love me because you almost smiled in my presence on many occasions. Remember all the little things Jim does for you like order vegetarian pizza or watch the crazy romantic comedies that you prefer. Didn't you tell me he turned down hanging out with his friends just for you? From the way you talk, you two are always together."
"You know that I love you?" Spock asked with the Vulcan equivalent of a shocked expression on his face.
"Am I wrong in my assumption?"
"No you're not. However, I have not said the words to you."
"That doesn't mean I don't know. Just like you already knew Jim loved you before you found the file. I hope that I've answered your question."
"I am less conflicted but I am…"
"Still afraid." Amanda said finishing the thought of her son.
"Yes."
"Don't be. It will be fine, just let him know tonight. I have to go your father is waiting for me. Good night my son."
"Good night mother. Even if you already know, I do love you."
"I love you too."
XXXXXX
"How was Spock?" Her husband asked as soon as she entered their shared bedroom.
"You already know the answer to that question since you were psychically listening in on our conversation. However, you would know for yourself if you would let go of your grudge and speak with him."
"So it is possible that he has found a bond mate on Earth?" her husband asked obviously changing the subject. She chose to leave it alone. After being married to an ambassador for almost three decades she has learned a thing or two about diplomacy.
"I personally think so. Spock is still uncertain. I would very much like to meet this James in person that has my son's so enamored as soon as possible."
"I will have my assistant make the travel arrangements first thing in the morning and have your assistant clear your schedule. By midday, you will be on a shuttle to Earth."
"This is why I know you love me even if you never say it out loud." She said to her husband as she kissed him in the style that he preferred.