Chapter Text
Madame Vastra wrung her hands nervously over the telephone before glancing over at Jenny, who sat opposite of her in reading chair. They were in the parlor and the air was slightly dusty with the heavy scent of books in the air.
“Well go on,” Jenny said merrily, her smile wide.
“Yes, dear,” Vastra smiled, taking up the receiver and dialing a certain number. Raising it to her ear spot, she listened as it rang on the other end.
After a few still moments, the phone was picked up.
“Hello?” a confused, male voice asked.
“Doctor?” Vastra said, shifting uncomfortably, “It’s me, Vastra.”
“Ah, yes, Vastra, my favorite lizard!” the Doctor nearly shouted, his voice unfamiliar to the emerald woman, “and how goes it? How long has it been since we last met?”
“It’s been nearly four years,” Vastra said hurriedly, “and…by the goddess, what on earth is wrong with your voice?”
“Must be the telephone!” the Doctor said after a pause, “and to what do I owe the pleasure to? You are not one to make social calls.”
“Well, I wanted to ask you a favor,” Vastra winced.
“Shoot.”
“I think it would be best if I asked you in person.” Vastra glanced at Jenny as she said this, and the other nodded vigorously in encouragement.
“Why? Have you done something wrong? I’m not a body disposal unit,” the Doctor shot back all in quick succession.
“No, nothing of that nature,” Vastra said, rolling her eyes, “it’s actually quite good.”
“Okay Vastra, whatever you say,” he responded, “Be there in a tick.”
Then he hung up.
“Is he coming, Miss?” Jenny asked eagerly.
“He says he is, my love,” Vastra said, “though when, that is the real question.”
“Do you think he will do it?”
Vastra extended her arm and gestured for Jenny to come closer. Jenny stood and walked over to the green one before Vastra pulled her down onto her lap and cradled her close. Pressing her forehead on Jenny’s, Vastra breathed in her scent, her tongue analyzing the hormones and pheromones that the other’s body released. Vastra wondered idly what Jenny would do if she was aware just how easily Vastra could decipher her mood or health with a simple sniff…
“I do not see why he would not,” Vastra murmured, her breath mingling with Jenny’s, “He is a dear friend and I can be most persuasive, as you know.”
“Hasn’t worked on me, ma’am,” Jenny scoffed, fingers picking at the strings on Vastra’s dress.
“Well you seem to be the sole exception, probably because you don’t take my threats on eating you seriously,” Vastra responded, rolling her eyes.
“It would pointless to,” Jenny explained nonchalantly, “If you want me as your mate-”
“-Which I do-”
“Then it wouldn’t do you any good if I was in your belly.”
“I could eat you afterwards,” Vastra suggested haughtily, her teeth gleaming in the dim lighting.
“What, like a spider?” Jenny questioned, her brow furrowing in thought, “How unromantic.”
“What is it with you and romance?” Vastra asked violently, twisting so she was on top of Jenny, “When will you learn that lust is just an equally worthy cause?” As if making a point, Vastra lowered her mouth to Jenny’s neck and kissed her exposed throat sensually, her teeth grazing the other’s skin.
Jenny sucked in a breath and said warningly, “Miss…”
“I could persuade you right now,” Vastra continued, her nose centimeters from Jenny’s. The human’s cheeks were flushed and Vastra could hear Jenny’s heart pounding in her chest. The emerald woman breathed deeply, her tongue catching sweet-tasting pheromones that Jenny was excreting through her sweat.
“It would be so easy,” the lizard sighed, “you have no idea.”
“I forbid it,” Jenny said with a slightly biting tone, “it is not right, ma’am. We must be wed.”
“A Victorian woman wishes to enter into a homosexual relationship with a lizard from the dawn of time, and the only thing bothering her is the impropriety of pre-material sex,” Vastra mocked, though she released Jenny from her grasp.
“I’m already rotten as it is ma’am, I don’t need that blackening my name as well.”
“Damn your Victorian values! They are the reason why our gender is so oppressed!”
“I know, miss, I just wouldn’t feel comfortable…well, you know…” Jenny whimpered, flushing involuntarily.
Vastra placed her elbow on the back of the couch and then placed her chin in her hand before surveying Jenny in silence.
“I hate to ask you this,” Vastra said slowly, “But will there be a … problem… in the bedroom on our wedding night?”
Jenny’s face went a shade darker as she shot back, “I haven’t a clue what you mean!”
Releasing an airy sigh, the other elaborated, “Is this something you want to do? I mean, I implied it when I asked to marry you, but you are aware I wanted you to be my wife in all ways…right?”
“Vastra,” Jenny choked, using her actual name, “I love you. And I want to be your wife! In all ways! I look forward to our wedding night!”
“Then why are you so embarrassed about the subject?” Vastra questioned softly.
Jenny could hear the pain in Vastra’s tone, so she hurriedly sat up so she was able to stare into those bright blue eyes of hers.
“Because it is the only gift I can give you,” Jenny whispered, her hand resting on Vastra’s exposed cheek, “it might not mean much to your race, but by human standards, my virtue is the greatest thing I can provide you…besides, what is there to eat after the dessert is all gone?”
“An interesting and finally logical analogy,” Vastra said with a smile, grasping Jenny’s hand, “thank you for your explanation.”
Before Jenny could respond, there was a throbbing hum throughout the parlor and an unprecedented wind swept through the room. A blue box marked “police” began to materialize between the sofa and the fireplace as Vastra shielded Jenny from the wind.
“Is that ‘im?!” Jenny shouted, her fright pronouncing her Cockney accent.
The noise stopped with an ominous boom before Vastra said in awe, “I believe it is, dear Jenny.”
The door opened and the two leapt off the couch, automatically smoothing their dresses. Then an unfamiliar man stepped into the room.
“Who…who are you?!” Vastra hissed, crouching protectively in front of Jenny.
“It’s me, I’m the Doctor!” the man bubbled, rubbing his hands together excitedly, “I told you Vastra, new body, new me!”
Vastra considered him for another minute, a growl in the back of her throat, before she straightened and smiled kindly back.
“Indeed, Doctor, it has been too long.”
“Aye, that’s my Vastra!” the Doctor said amiably, drawing her into a large hug. The Doctor turned expectantly to Jenny.
“Miss Flint!” the Doctor exclaimed, “You don’t remember me, but we’ve met!”
Turning to Vastra, he whispered, “I thought you were going to eat her.”
To this, Vastra wincingly shrugged, offering nothing.
“Well, it’s nice to see you aliv – I mean again!” the Doctor shouted, shaking Jenny’s hand excitedly.
“You’re the Doctor?” Jenny asked.
“That’s me!”
“So is that your TARDIS?”
The Doctor shot Vastra a scandalous look before saying mysteriously, “I see someone’s been telling stories! Yes, that is my ship, the TARDIS – Time And Relative Dimension In Space! Now what is it I can do for you!?”
Vastra opened her mouth and then shut it again, exchanging a glance with Jenny. The Doctor observed them, puzzled.
“I wish…to be married,” Vastra said delicately, hoping the Doctor would catch on.
“I do to, but I’m afraid we all can’t get what we want without willing participants-”
“To Jenny-”
“I-” The Doctor broke off, noiselessly pointing from Vastra to Jenny, then rubbing his hands nervously. His adam’s apple bobbed up and down as he swallowed. There was a tense period of silence as the Doctor gaped, resembling a fish.
“Doctor!” Vastra snapped.
“Right,” the Doctor choked, snapping out of it. Then a huge, goofy grin spread across his face.
“Oh, this is brilliant!” the Doctor shouted with delight, “You two! Married! A Couple! Mates!” The Doctor clapped his hands excitedly.
Waggling a finger in Vastra’s face, he continued, “You are a millennia before your time! You have my congratulations! Have you planned anything?!”
“Well, we haven’t really figured out much,” Jenny intervened, “We were just wondering if you would do the honor of marrying us…this is Victorian England after all.”
“I thought you’d never ask!” the Doctor exclaimed. He clasped Jenny’s hands in his own, his eyes wide with wonder.
“But what about the cake! The reception! The guest list! The honeymoon – oh, yes don’t forget about the honeymoon! I’ve always liked a honeymoon,” the Doctor babbled on.
Vastra shared a confused glance with Jenny before stammering, “We were not wanting anything to attract too much attention…we don’t need anything extravagant.”
“We were thinking a small private wedding,” Jenny continued, “with only a few witnesses. We can’t really proclaim our love for each other without being hunted down for witchcraft.”
“Sounds fine for the ceremony,” the Doctor conceded, “But I’ve been dying for a proper party! One where lose all your senses and forget what your first name is.”
“I hardly think we’d be able to manage that,” sputtered Vastra indignantly.
“So what if it was somewhere else? In another time?” the Doctor asked, excitement coloring his voice.
Vastra looked at Jenny, her mouth slightly agape.
“Is that something you’d be willing to do?” Jenny asked slyly a glint in her eye.
“Well it’s not like you didn’t deserve it,” the Doctor scoffed, “I want to give you a reception that Cleopatra would envy, because she really was a stuck-up b-”
“So the wedding itself will happen here, at normal time,” Jenny figured, “and then the reception will be somewhere else at a different time.”
“Is that an idea or what?!” the Doctor clapped his hands together and pranced about the room merrily, “So much to do, so little time to waste!”
“Doctor, where will the reception be held? And will the same guests be invited to both the wedding and the after-party?” Vastra pressed.
“Obviously the future,” the Doctor said breezily, plucking a Sherbet Fancy off of a tea tray and plopping it into his mouth, “and I think it is up to the lovely brides’ who is and is not invited!”
Grabbing both their hands, the Doctor began to steer them to the TARDIS.
“But right now, we have more pressing matters!” the Doctor shouted.
“Where are we going?” Vastra demanded as he threw the doors open wide.
Turning to face them, the Doctor brought his hands together and announced, “Come along ladies! Time to go shopping.”