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Everything in their life was so much better.
Camelot was safe, magic wasn’t banned anymore. The happiest people from this repeal of the ban were Morgana and Merlin, they didn’t have to hide themselves anymore. With Uther’s death, Arthur had decided to repeal the ban and since then they were trying to make Camelot better together. Merlin was court sorcerer now; he wasn’t a servant anymore. He loved being more important in the castle, but also, he missed seeing Arthur every minute. Because he was busier, they weren’t spending much time together anymore. It wasn’t doing any good to Merlin’s heart, but at least they were all safe. He didn’t have to try to save Arthur’s life all the time, his king was safe from all the evil beings now. But, why was he feeling like something was wrong, then?
“Will you help me or just stare at the nothing?”
He rolled his eyes when Gwaine was walking towards him with drinks.
“I prepared all the wedding idiot; you can carry them on your own.”
“You did everything with spells, didn’t even move.”
Merlin smirked at Gwaine’s grumblings. “Don’t be jealous.”
There was Lancelot and Gwen’s wedding tonight, all the castle was preparing for them. A wedding. They were looking forward to it, all of them. It had been a long time since they did something happy together. Even Morgana was excited about what to wear.
“Why isn’t princess around? It would be nice if he helps too.”
Merlin shook his head sitting on the ground. He was tired, despite of what Gwaine said, using his magic a lot tired him out. Gwaine did the same.
“Are you alright?”
“I’m but,” He hesitated. “I’m worried about Arthur.”
“Why?”
“Isn’t he more isolated?”
Gwaine snorted. “He is the king, Merlin.”
“You don’t understand. You know how he is, he used to patrol, he used to train you, he used to talk to Morgana every day. Now he is usually in his chambers, I don’t even know what he is doing there. Do you think he is heartbroken because Gwen is married?”
Gwaine lifted his eyebrows. “Gwen? I think you are focusing on the wrong person.”
“What does that mea-“Oh. He closed his mouth, then opened it again in confusion. “I thought he liked Gwen, not Lancelot.”
“I’m sure I saw some kisses got shared one time. Arthur was drunk though.”
“I knew he invited men to his bed before but I didn’t see Lancelot in his bed ever.”
Gwaine shrugged. “Talk to him. He needs to get over it before tonight if he is upset about it.”
“Will he talk to me?”
Gwaine smiled reassuringly. “You are his best friend, Merlin. I don’t know whom he would talk to besides you.”
Merlin followed Gwaine’s suggestion. He had to, he had to learn what was wrong with his king. He watched Arthur sitting and working on his table, Arthur didn’t even budge while Merlin entered to his chambers. It was unlike Arthur, he was always on guard. When Merlin coughed to attract his attention, he lifted his head. His eyes were looking tired, Merlin’s heart ached.
“What are you doing?”
Arthur shrugged. “I have to look at these taxes, they are too much. I need to reduce them, but I must figure out how I can do that, first.”
Merlin smiled, Arthur was so much better king than his father. His all focus was on his people, he was living for them. Merlin would prefer him to start to live for himself too though. He sat across his king.
“There will be a wedding in two hours, and you are still not ready.”
“It is not my wedding, why should I be ready?”
“Because if you don’t come, Morgana will kill you.”
Arthur huffed like a child. When he didn’t answer, Merlin frowned.
“Are you really planning not to join?”
“It wouldn’t be a loss.”
“Arthur,” He shook his head. “Gwen wants you beside her, Lance too. Why don’t you want to?” He added hesitantly. “Is it because of your feelings?”
Arthur looked at him funny before realizing it and when he did, he groaned. “Gwaine told you, right? It was just a few kisses with Lancelot, Merlin. When he told me that he fell in love with Gwen I stopped to court him.”
“If he didn’t,” Merlin hesitated before speaking. “Would you be with him?”
Arthur shrugged, but didn’t answer. It hurt Merlin more than an answer. Arthur sighed seeing Merlin’s face. “I’m not in love with him, Merlin. Courting him was fun, he was a good kisser but that’s all. I’m not upset, don’t worry.”
“I’m always worried about you, whether you like it or not.”
Arthur’s face softened; he smiled slightly. “I’ll come to wedding. Now get out, I need to dress.”
“As if I didn’t see you naked.”
“Merlin. Leave, idiot.”
Arthur kept his promise. He was in the wedding, he sat on a place where he could watch them all and drank. Gwaine tried to get him to the dance, but he didn’t want to, watching them was enough for him. Merlin danced, though. He laughed, drank and danced, but his eyes were on his king.
“You are not his nanny.”
When Morgana whispered at him, he grimaced. “Of course I’m not, but I’m worried about him, I can’t prevent it.”
“He is alright, Merlin.” Morgana rolled her eyes. “He would tell us if something was wrong.”
That was the thing, he wouldn’t. Merlin knew his king better than anyone else, Arthur would never talk about his feelings, he never did. It was the gift of Uther, he had taught his son to never show his emotions. But what if they would make Arthur fall apart, of course Uther didn’t even think about it. When their eyes met, Arthur let out a slight smile and lifted his cup. Merlin smiled back, at least he joined them. Gwaine made Merlin dance with him, the girls from Camelot joined them, some of them were smelling like flowers, but Merlin still found himself to miss Arthur’s scent. When he turned to look at him, nobody was there. He frowned and asked Lancelot who was dancing with his wife too.
“Did you see Arthur?”
“He congratulated us and went to his chambers. He wanted to sleep, he said.”
Merlin’s uneasiness increased with this answer, but what could he do? He tried to keep having fun, but imagining his king alone in his chambers made his heart clench. He would prefer to be with him, but he knew Arthur wouldn’t like that. His stubborn king. he was probably sulking about his feelings for Lancelot, so he decided to be alone. It was fine, he would be fine after tonight.
Arthur didn’t become alright suddenly; in fact, he became quieter. Something was not normal; his Arthur wouldn’t act like this. That’s why Merlin started to look for spells, a spell must’ve done that to the king. Arthur was not a quiet person; he was full of loudness. Without his father around, he was full of joy. His smile was Merlin’s favourite thing in the world, his eyes would crinkle when he smiled. His crooked teeth would appear, and his body would move slightly with his laugh. Merlin didn’t see that smile, that laugh for how long, for weeks? He was scared. Morgana was telling him he was overreacting, but Merlin was sure. Something was terribly wrong. He groaned closing the book on his lap. There was nothing in these books, he hated it. He hated that he couldn’t find anything to help his king.
“What are you doing with all these books, my boy?”
Gaius was looking at him as if he caught Merlin on something. Merlin tried to smile at him, but he just ended up sighing.
“Is there any spell making someone quiet?”
“Like removing their voices?”
Merlin shook his head; it was nothing like that. Gaius raised his eyebrows, waiting for Merlin to answer.
“Arthur is not like himself,” Merlin answered. “He doesn’t talk to me like he used to, he is not smiling or joking with the knights. He doesn’t leave his chambers unless he has something to do as a king, Gaius. I think someone made a spell on him, he is weird, I think-“
“Did you ever think if he is just depressed?”
Merlin stopped talking. “What?”
“He looks depressed, my boy. Sometimes magic is not the reason, we give the biggest harm to ourselves.”
“There is nothing he can be depressed though,” Merlin shook his head frantically. “He is alright, Camelot is safe, magic doesn’t hurt anyone, he-“
“You can’t know what is going on in his heart, Merlin.”
He did, though, he always did. Merlin was the one who knew Arthur the best; from a look on his face, he would understand what was going on with Arthur. He would know if his king was depressed, right? He would.
Gaius squeezed his arm gently to wake him up from his drowning thoughts.
“Give him time. It might be seasonal; he probably will be alright soon. Arthur is strong, there is no need to worry.”
His worries were not pointless, Merlin knew that. But nobody else was aware that Arthur was acting weird. It is just Arthur, they had said, you are overreacting Merlin. He wasn’t though, they just didn’t know their king well. Realizing it made Merlin’s heart ache, was the only one who knew the king Merlin? He must’ve felt alone, then, his king must’ve felt alone. Merlin tried to be beside him more, he tried to get close. But it was not possible all the time, he was a court sorcerer who had jobs to do. He needed to take care of Camelot, but who else could take care of Arthur?
They were having dinner, sadly they were not alone, all of them were eating in the great hall for the first time in long. They were loud, Gwaine was talking cheerfully while others were teasing with him. Morgana was sipping from her drink laughing at them, Gwen and Lancelot were making eyes at each other as if they were not married. Merlin glanced at Arthur who was watching them. He felt relieved seeing a little smile on his face, maybe he was paranoid like Gaius said. Maybe his king was just sad, but now he was getting better. He sat near Arthur tossing Leon aside murmuring apologies. Thankfully Leon didn’t seem offended.
“They are having fun.”
Arthur snorted. “Gwaine is always having fun if he can drink.”
Merlin smirked. “That’s the good point.”
They watched them in silence, but Merlin was still glancing at his king. Arthur sighed.
“You want to say something.”
“Are you alright?”
“When am I not?”
Merlin could count so many times when Arthur wasn’t alright, but he decided to keep quiet. Gwaine raised his glass to Arthur in a cheerful way.
“To our king who brought us joy! And of course,” He smirked at Morgana. “Our beautiful lady Morgana!” But when he got serious, Merlin noticed Arthur fidgeting uncomfortably. “Seriously, thank you Arthur. Thanks to you, we can live in happiness, you are the one who gave all of your people freedom. Long live the king.”
“Long live the king!”
Arthur didn’t touch his cup when others were drinking, Merlin was about to ask him why but then the music started. He raised his eyebrows at Arthur who was laughing softly. Oh, that laugh, that beautiful laugh, Merlin missed it so much.
“Gwaine must’ve bribed the bard.”
“Lance might have too,” Merlin snorted at Lancelot who was inviting his wife to dance. “He is a romantic fella.”
People around them started to dance, they were laughing and twirling around softly.
“Will my brother invite me to dance, I’ve been waiting for it.”
Arthur grimaced slightly at Morgana who was looking at him.
“I don’t think I want to dance, Morgs.”
“Fortunately, I wasn’t asking for your opinion, my dear brother. Come along.”
Merlin smiled at them dancing, Arthur was looking uncomfortable but at least he chuckled when Morgana whispered something in his ear.
“He will be alright,” Merlin whispered to nobody to feel relief. “He always is.”
At least seeing him have fun was a good thing, right?
Merlin woke up feeling restless.
They had gone to bed late because of dancing and having fun; he was still sleepy. Sun didn’t rise yet, he scowled. His magic was feeling weird though, it hadn’t felt like that since the magic got allowed in Camelot. Not like now. He got up from the bed rubbing his eyes. He had to check on Arthur, something was feeling so uneasy. Whole castle seemed to be sleeping, he frowned at the darkness. There were no guards in front of Arthur’s chambers, Merlin opened the door instantly.
“Arthur!”
There was no voice, no sign of Arthur. Why wasn’t he in his bed, where was he? Merlin moved in guard, he was ready to use his magic if someone attacked his king.
“Arthur?”
A whimper. A tiny sound, but it was unmistakenly whimper. When he saw the body, Merlin kneeled quickly.
“A-arthur?”
He was laying on the ground; his beautiful eyes were hardly open.
“Who attacked you?! Guards!”
He tried to stand up to call for guards, but Arthur grabbed his arm. Then Merlin saw his arms. A bloody dagger lying beside the king. his arms were in blood. Merlin wanted to throw up.
“Arthur, h-how?”
He knew that there was no time to ask for questions, though, Arthur’s eyes were about to close.
“Don’t, don’t close. Open your eyes, love.”
He picked Arthur up as if he was lifting a maiden in his arms. He was so light, Arthur’s head fell on his chest. Merlin started to run, his magic was trying to call for Morgana and Gaius.
“M-Merlin,” Arthur whispered. “I’m cold.”
“I’ll warm you up, love.” Why was Gaius’ room so far away? “You will be alright.”
Gaius was waiting for them, he had heard Merlin’s cries. Morgana was there too, she looked she was about to cry. She tried to touch Arthur, but Merlin didn’t let her. Arthur wouldn’t want another touch, now.
“What happened?!”
“Lay him there, Merlin. And prepare me water, we need to wipe the blood off.”
He was not ready to let Arthur go, he hesitated.
“Merlin.”
“You will be alright,” Merlin whispered putting him to bed. “I’m right here.”
“I’m cold, Merlin.”
“I know love.” He whispered a spell to warm Arthur up, the king breathed in relief when he felt warmth, but he was still shivering, Merlin wiped the blood gently.
“The wounds are not too deep,” Gaius murmured, looking at the king with pain in his eyes. “We can heal them.”
Merlin breathed in relief, but the tears were rolling down from his eyes now.
“Did he do it? To himself”
Morgana whispered looking at her brother. Merlin had no energy to talk, he just nodded.
“Why?”
“I knew something was wrong.” Merlin shook his head. Arthur was sleeping now, his shivers stopped. “I knew he was suffering, but I couldn’t protect him. If I knew-“
“It is difficult to save a man from his monster, boy.” Gaius spoke. “You couldn’t have known.”
Merlin didn’t answer, his eyes were on the king whose soft sleeping sounds filling the room. How could he not see that how much Arthur was suffering, how didn’t he see the pain in his king’s heart? Gaius was applying salve on his arms gently as if he was Arthur’s loving father. Morgana’s lips were trembling, Merlin had never seen her that much upset before. When the door opened, three of them got startled with the sound. Gwaine was here, his eyes were full of worry.
“Kay told me Arthur dismissed them from being guards for his chambers tonight, and George said he heard your voice from here Merlin, is everything alri-“ He stopped seeing Arthur lying on the bed. “What happened?”
When nobody spoke, Merlin sighed. “He.” He caressed Arthur’s hair gently. “He hurt himself, Gwaine.”
“What? Arthur wouldn’t do that. That prick loves himself too much to do that, he-“
When his eyes fell on Arthur’s arms, the protest died on his lips. There was no point, he knew that, so he silently sat on the chair beside the bed.
“Why would he do that?”
“I knew something was wrong.” Merlin whispered. “But I don’t understand why, was he that much sick of his life? Did somebody do something to him, did-?”
“There was no way for you to guess how much he was sad, Merlin.” Gwaine shook his head. “He wouldn’t have told you no matter how much you pushed him.” That was true, but it didn’t change anything. When Gaius finished putting the salve, Merlin stood up. “I’ll bring him to his chambers, I can wait for him there. He will be much more comfortable in his bed.”
When Gaius nodded, Gwaine picked Arthur up bridal style before Merlin did. “Gods,” Gwaine mumbled. “He is so light.”
“I don’t think he eats like he used to.”
Gwaine didn’t answer, the pain was visible in his eyes enough. When he left the room, Gaius gave Merlin vials of potions. “This is for pain and this one is,” He pointed at the purple one. “to make him calm down if he panicks.”
Merlin nodded and turned to look at Morgana who was so silent. Tears were still falling down on her pale cheeks.
“Get some sleep, Morgana.” Merlin reassured her. “I will let you know if something happens.”
“Promise.”
“I swear.”
When he came to Arthur’s chambers, Gwaine had already put the king on the bed kissing his forehead. Merlin let out a soft but tired laugh.
“If he saw that, he would’ve thrown a fit.”
“Probably.”
Gwaine smiled slightly patting Merlin’s arm. “Take care of him, Merlin.”
“I will.”
The sun was rising, Merlin sat beside Arthur to watch him. His king’s hair was shining prettily, Merlin smiled with tears in his eyes. He had seen Arthur getting hurt so many times before, they killed monsters together. But he never felt so much pain like that before. He could dream of Arthur wandering the dagger on his arms, his heart clenched painfully.
“Merlin?”
When the soft voice whispered, he was about to doze off. When he opened his eyes, he met the sight of Arthur looking at him with tired eyes.
“Arthur.” He tried to smile. “Are you alright?”
“My arms are aching, and I feel tired.”
“You lost blood, it is normal to feel tired.”
The king hummed, but didn’t answer.
“Why did you do it? Did somebody hurt you, Arthur? Are you-“
“They say I’m a saviour.”
“What?”
Arthur repeated whispering; he didn’t look at Merlin at all. “They all think I’m the hero of Camelot; they think I saved them. Do people under the ground think the same though? Their bloods are on my hands, and people think I saved them. I can’t even save myself Merlin.”
“You never killed someone who didn’t deserve it, Arthur.”
Arthur let out a hollow laugh, Merlin realized for the first time he hated his Arthur’s laugh.
“Magic users, Merlin. I killed them. I killed druids, I killed children, I killed-“ He hesitated. “I killed my mother.”
Merlin let out a sharp sigh and held Arthur’s hands gently.
“You did not kill your mom, Arthur. You never killed a child with your own desires, you are not a cruel king like your father. Gods, I killed so many people for you, am I a monster, Arthur?”
Arthur shook his head rapidly, his empty eyes met Merlin’s teary eyes for the first time.
“Never. You are so much better than me Merlin, I-“
Merlin shook his head.
“Arthur, I would burn all the world if you wanted me to. I’m living for you, not even for myself. So don’t tell me I’m better than you.” His thumb caressed back of Arthur’s hand. “Now tell me, my love.” Arthur’s eyes teared up at the name of endearment. “Did you really want to die?”
“It hurt so much, Merlin.” His voice trembled. “Everyone around me is so happy, they are moving on with their lives. But I can’t. People I killed are wandering around me, my father’s voice is always yelling at me in my mind. I’m turning into a ghost, all of you would’ve been much happier without me.”
“Without you?” Merlin let out a surprised laugh. “Arthur, I just told you I can’t live without you, there is no way.”
“Others would help you.”
“None of them is you.”
Merlin wrapped his arms around Arthur without touching his arms much. Arthur buried his face on Merlin’s chest without any objection.
“I’m so sorry you are suffering, Arthur. I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you from horrors of the world. If you let me, I will from now. When you see people who died, I’ll be your guard to prevent you from seeing them. When you hear Uther’s voice, I’ll cover your ears and whisper other things instead. You are not just a saviour to me, you are my Arthur. But you have to let me.”
“I planned to write a letter to you.” Arthur whispered. “I wanted to tell you how much I love you, but I was afraid of you blaming yourself.”
“I would.” Merlin smiled slightly. “I would have blamed myself, because I love you so much too and I would’ve been devastated if I couldn’t say it back to you.”
When Arthur finally smiled, Merlin kissed him. The kiss was weak, but it was enough to give both of them a reason to live. At least they could be sad together, at least Merlin could make sure that his Arthur would see the reasons to live.