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The faint warmth of his breath against his neck. The familiar press of him against his chest. He was holding Aaron, and Aaron was letting him. Robert knew it wouldn’t last. That he would move away any second and be lost to him again for god knows how long, but right now, for this moment at least, he was where he belonged. And it felt good. Too good. He was offering comfort, nothing more, but his heart was racing all the same. He inwardly cursed himself for having fallen this hard. It was only a hug for god’s sake. So why was it taking everything he had not to lean down and kiss him? He already knew the answer. It was Aaron. He had a habit of making things difficult. Complicating things that should be simple. Creating a deep and desperate need where once there had been no strings and no risk. Now there were strings alright. Strings he couldn’t break even if he wanted to. Strings that had wound themselves so deep into his heart they held fast even when Aaron tried to snatch them away. Cut him loose. It couldn’t be done.
That’s why he wanted to kiss him. Because he was everything, and he was broken and they hadn’t been this close, chest to chest, face to face for so long…
He took a deep steadying breath, forced himself to look straight ahead. Moved his hand up Aaron’s spine and gently stroked the back of his head. He felt him relax against him, his breathing slow a little, the rise and fall of his chest lessen as the tension ebbed away. Five, four, three, two, one: Aaron released him. Took a step back. Wiped his eyes with his sleeve, embarrassed.
“I’m okay now”.
“Good”.
“I should go.”
Robert nodded. Felt a little self conscious too. He must’ve held him too long, given too much away. Pushed too hard against the ‘mates’ barrier without realising. He watched Aaron turn and slowly head back towards the pub. He was being strong as always, but today had knocked him. He was still badly shaken. Robert couldn’t bear to think of him spending the night alone.
“You know, you don’t have to stay here tonight, if you don’t want.”
Aaron paused, looked back at him, eyes shining in the darkness. Robert kicked himself. He’d spoken without really processing the thought. With Aaron’s gaze on him he had no choice but to continue.
“We could go somewhere, away. I mean, I could take you somewhere”.
Aaron seemed confused for a moment, then almost annoyed. Robert looked at his shoes, knowing when he said no, it would hurt.
“Like where?”
“I dunno, a hotel? Some place he’d never find you. Might help you get your head straight”.
Aaron was quiet for a moment.
“Okay”.
Robert looked back at him with surprise, heart racing again.
“Okay?”
“When?”
“Now?”
Aaron nodded.
“I’ll pack some stuff.”
Robert fought to contain a smile as he hurried off to do the same.
***
Robert set down his overnight bag in the large luxurious room. Dark wood and grey velvet. The biggest bed known to man was dominating the space. It’s sheer presence was almost embarrassing. A giant white suggestive question waiting to be answered. Robert couldn’t help but think of Aaron underneath him on it, and wondered why on earth he’d decided to torture himself like this.
There was a light knock on the interconnecting door, and Aaron appeared from his adjoining room.
“Alright for you?” Robert asked.
“Yeah. Don’t reckon much to my neighbour though”.
Aaron gave him a small smile as he mocked him, and Robert instantly remembered why the torture was worth it.
Aaron sat on the edge of the bed. He wasn’t wearing his hoodie and his light t-shirt clung perfectly to his toned shoulders. Robert swallowed. Tried to ignore the fact that the air had turned thicker since he came in. Sat down next to him.
“You sure you can afford this?” Aaron asked, still gently ribbing him.
“I’m not skint just yet.”
“Well thanks. Might actually get some sleep tonight.”
“No problem.”
Aaron met his eye for a moment and Robert thought he caught a glimpse of that look from the park. That quiet longing that made his whole body beg to respond. He considered and rejected a hundred ways of telling him they didn’t need the extra room. The extra bed. It was hard as hell to stop himself, but he had to. That wasn’t why they were here. Aaron broke the silence first, quiet and reluctant.
“I needed this. Feels good, not to be there”.
“I’m glad”.
“I glad you didn’t listen to me. About any of it. Glad you didn’t stay away”.
Robert smiled. There had never been another option.
“Why do you keep coming back?”
“What?”
“I’m a mess. What’s in it for you?”
“You’re not a mess. You’re amazing.“
“Answer the question”.
“You.” Robert replied simply. “Everything about you”.
Aaron seemed thrown. Robert worried he’d said too much. But what was the point of holding back now? There was no one to hurt. Nothing to lose. And he’d made no secret of the fact he wanted to be more than mates when the time was right. He slowly moved forward. Rested his forehead against Aaron’s. Aaron didn’t withdraw.
“I can’t lose you again”. he breathed gently. “I know I screwed up. But. Do you still want me?”
Aaron was quiet for what seemed like an eternity.
“Will you still wait?”
“Yeah. As long as it takes”.
Aaron put his hand to Robert’s cheek. Robert closed his eyes, savouring it, their lips were almost touching now, for all his words, he knew he couldn’t hold back much longer.
“Yeah”, Aaron replied softly. “Course I do. Course I want you.”
Before Robert had the chance to smile, Aaron’s lips found his and drew him into a kiss. Robert lit up at the feel of it, matched his slow, delicious, tender pace. Breathed him in. Felt every nerve tingle as Aaron clutched his neck and began to kiss him harder.
“This isn’t waiting” Robert murmured, as Aaron turned his attention to his throat, sucking and kissing as he pushed him back onto the bed.
“Who cares?” Aaron sighed back, reaching down and undoing his belt. Robert closed his eyes, throbbed at the sensation of Aaron’s hand descending and knew he had mere seconds till the point of no return.
“I do”. He managed, shifting himself from under Aaron and sitting up. “I care about you, we can’t”.
Aaron stopped, looked lost for a moment.
“I love you”, Robert said quickly. “But you’re not ready”.
“I am”.
“You just asked me to wait”.
“Only to see if you’d say yes”.
“Why?”
“Cause I told you, I’m a mess. I’m an idiot”.
Robert sighed. Everything was screaming at him to carry on. Aaron looked flushed and wild eyed and gorgeous. But he’d also just had the worst day. He was hurting, and scared, and this wouldn’t be how he wanted it to be.
“Please Rob.”
Robert forced himself off the bed, dragging his eyes away from Aaron’s disappointed face.
“Get some sleep, we can talk in the morning.”
Aaron got up and disappeared into his own room. Clicked the door closed without a word. Robert was sure he’d done the right thing but it felt utterly and completely wrong. Fuck my life, he thought, as he sank back down on the bed. When did I turn into such a bloody good guy?
***
Sunlight streamed in through a gap in the heavy curtains. Robert stretched, heard the muffled sounds of the hotel waking up around him. Room service knocks and banging doors. He sat up in the ridiculously large bed and stared at the door separating him from Aaron. Thought of last night. Wondered if he was angry at him. He ventured to the door and knocked. No sound came from the other side. Okay, definitely angry, he thought, bracing himself for a tense morning. He made a coffee. Showered. Got dressed. Still no Aaron. Knocked again. Started to worry. Finally he turned the handle and let himself in. Aaron’s bag was still there. And his clothes from last night. But Aaron wasn’t. He grabbed the key card and headed down to the restaurant, certain he’d be eating breakfast without him. But he wasn’t. More worry rose in his stomach. He’d been in a bad place. Fearful, upset. And he’d rejected him. And now he’d gone. Shit, thought Robert. He clearly didn’t do the right thing. He did the worst possible thing. He hurried back to his room, dialled Aaron’s mobile, but it burst to life on the nightstand in the neighbouring room. Robert threw down his phone, despairing. What now?
Suddenly a key card clattered in the lock and Aaron let himself in, dressed in his running gear, sweaty and windswept.
“Hey”. he said, shrugging off his hoodie and undoing his trainers.
“Hey yourself”. Robert replied, but the relief at seeing him was short lived. He looked exhausted. What time had he got up? How long had he been out there?
“I would’ve come with you”.
“Yeah right,” scoffed Aaron, grabbing a bottle of water from the side and downing it.
“You okay?”
“Fine”.
“I was worried”.
“Why?”
“Cause you weren’t here.”
Aaron shrugged, avoided his eye. The worry twisted up again, and without thinking, Robert instinctively moved forward. Grabbed the hem of Aaron’s T shirt and pushed it up, looking for marks. Aaron shoved him away with force, incensed.
“What are you doing?!”
“Checking.”
Furious Aaron backed away, eyes burning in disbelief.
“What fucking right have you to do that?!”
“You were scratching yourself up in court, what am I supposed to think?”
“Do not touch me like that again!”
“I’m sorry.”
Aaron ripped out his headphones and roughly chucked them down, clearly struggling to keep his temper in check. Robert knew he was out of line, but he was angry now too and he couldn’t hold back.
“I’m sorry. But it was pretty shitty when you collapsed on me. And scary as hell cause I thought you were actually going to fucking die!”
Aaron blinked back at him for a second, and Robert realised he was shaking. His throat felt thick. He probably looked and sounded ten times worse than Aaron. Aaron calmed a little, seemed wrong footed by Robert’s outburst.
“I just wanted to clear my head”, he said gruffly. “I wasn’t trying to hurt myself”.
“I didn’t know that”.
Aaron met his eye. Defiantly pulled the t-shirt over his head. His torso gleamed with sweat, but there were no new marks. Only healed and fading scars. Robert looked away, hating himself for caring so much, too much. For messing up yet again.
“You probably want to go home.” He said quietly. “Get a taxi if you like. You can charge it to the room.”
***
Robert took out his frustrations in the hotel pool. Length after length, crashing through the water until his lungs burned and every limb ached. For the first time in his life he was completely in love. And for the first time in his life he was completely incapable of getting what he wanted. He’d known this journey wouldn’t be easy, but going on it hadn’t been a choice. It was a compulsion, an addiction, a prayer that at the end of it, Aaron would forgive him and love him back. He’d been close. So close. But it didn’t seem to matter what he did. Right or wrong, it always backfired. He would always be a disappointment. Perhaps he wasn’t meant to get what he wanted. Perhaps he wasn’t cut out for it. Perhaps his destiny was to meet another Chrissie. Go through the motions in another shadow of a marriage. Forget the intensity he felt now because it didn’t belong to him. Because he didn’t know what to do with it.
He hauled himself out of the pool, the sudden chill of the air making him shiver. But as he reached for his towel, there he was. Aaron. Leaning against the wall by the changing room door, blue eyes drinking him in from head to toe. He’d been watching. God, why do I have to be so aware of him, thought Robert, as the simple knowledge of his presence made his stomach drop.
He joined him by the wall and Aaron straightened up and his breath seemed to quicken. A glow spread through Robert’s chest as he realised his semi naked presence was making Aaron aware of him too.
“You stayed.”
“Yeah.”
“Why?”
“I was out of order.”
“No, I was.”
“I didn’t mean to scare you”.
Robert shrugged slightly. Still wishing he hadn’t reacted so strongly. He felt Aaron’s eyes drop his gunshot scar for the first time. Felt strangely vulnerable as they lingered there.
“I know how it feels. We both do. I’m sorry.”
Robert nodded. It was another bond that tied them. Knowledge of the line between life and death. Of the spaces in between and the road back.
“Listen, I’ll never do that again..” he began.
“I’ve stopped.” Aaron interrupted, softly. “Cause of you”.
Robert didn’t know what to say.
“That’s why you don’t need to worry. That’s why you don’t need to check.”
Robert could tell he meant it. It was comforting and terrifying in equal measure.
“But you can. If you want to. You can look at me whenever you want…”
“Listen, it’s okay, I’m sorry..”
“Cause I love you.” Aaron spoke over him quickly. Self conscious but certain. Robert felt his heart stop. He’d gotten used to those words being a statement. A reassurance. Something he told Aaron without any expectation of a reply. But now suddenly, there was one. And he hadn’t realised quite how badly he’d needed it, til he heard it.
“But if you want me to go…”
Robert took a step closer, refracted light from the pool playing delicately over Aaron’s face.
“Don’t go anywhere. I love you too.”
He was fresh from the shower, his hair messed up and fluffy. He smelled incredible.
“And I am ready”. Aaron said firmly.
Before Robert had chance to argue he felt Aaron’s hands settle on his hips, pulling them gently but insistently towards his own.
“I love you, and I’m ready. You really think I’d go to a hotel with Robert Sugden if I wasn’t?”
Aaron smiled knowingly. Robert felt the warmth of it wash over him. Understood why he’d waited all these months. That he hadn’t just needed Aaron to be ready. He’d needed him to love him. And now he did. He fucking loved him. He brought his hands up to Aaron’s face, barely able to contain the anticipation that pulsed through him.
“Right, he breathed, “In that case. Upstairs. Now”.
Aaron grinned at the memory the words evoked. He didn’t need telling twice.
***
The faint warmth of his breath against his neck. The familiar press of him against his chest. He was holding Aaron on the giant white ridiculous question of a bed, and he was letting him. He worshipped every taut inch, every muscle, every scar. Moved inside him slow and deep, delighting as he trembled underneath him with every confident, exquisite stroke. Aaron. His home, his love, his answered prayer. He was back where he belonged and it felt insanely good. He’d never, ever let him go again.