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November 6
L is dead. Light goes through all the motions of mourning. He sniffles a bit and does his best to look appropriately pathetic.
He brushes his teeth till his gums bleed. He brushes away the taste of L.
Matsuda finds him with blood running down his chin. Matsuda opens his mouth and Light whirls around, daggers in his eyes. Matsuda leaves.
November 7
Light takes responsibility for cleaning L’s room. He finds a note waiting for him on the pillow he used. It explains where Watari stores the hormones and needles, and also has a list of contacts for ordering more.
Light will not need this information. But it would be suspicious if he did nothing, so he follows the instructions to the estrogen stash anyway.
Estradiol valerate has a shelf life of 24 months.
November 8
Light is sick of living with ghosts. He can tell the rest of the team is as well.
He’s spending more and more time in L’s room. Why? What could it possibly have to offer?
He plans to cut his hair. It’s gotten far too long. What if he shaved his whole head and blamed a nervous breakdown?
No. His hair is too pretty for that.
He pulls it back into a ponytail, reaches for scissors, and pauses.
No, this would be too choppy. He should ask Misa for help. He needs to look handsome and dignified.
The vision of short hair churns his stomach. He looks away.
For a second, he sees a hunched apparition watching him. But it’s nothing more than a trick of the light.
November 9
It’s Tuesday. There is no L to administer his shot.
This is fine. Because he isn’t taking his shot. He’s a man again. He has no need to be feminized.
Misa still calls him Light-chan. He smiles and knows she can’t tell it’s forced.
November 12
Light feels perfectly fine.
When his estrogen levels fall back to normal, he’ll stop crying.
November 15
Light moves in with Misa.
He’s glad to be rid of that awful, empty building. He’s glad to be free of the memories haunting him.
He searches for words. Misa plays with his hair. He stays silent.
November 16
Another Tuesday.
Light finds the suit he wore to graduation. It still fits.
Misa calls him butch with a giggle.
He’s a man. This is how he’s meant to look. This is who he is.
He retches over the toilet till nothing is left. Misa apologizes. She knows she can’t cook and she shouldn’t have tried.
November 20
Misa is showing more and more skin lately. They’ve been together for almost six months. There’s no more cameras.
Misa bends deep over the table as she takes the dishes to the sink. Light looks away.
His libido has always been low. Estrogen nearly eliminated it entirely.
It hasn’t come back.
November 21
Light shaves his legs. The hair is getting darker again. Unfortunate.
He covers his breasts in the mirror.
November 23
Misa shakes Light awake. He was screaming in his sleep.
He stares at her, delirious, not understanding.
Over her blond hair, he sees a black mirage.
Light is feeling fine.
November 25
It’s their six month anniversary. He remembers this time. He buys flowers.
That’s what a good boyfriend does. Even when that boyfriend is letting Misa pretend he’s a girlfriend.
Kissing Misa is like licking a battery to check if it still has charge.
He throws up again. He brushes his teeth till his gums bleed.
December 1
He’s doing fine. He’s doing wonderfully. He has a beautiful girlfriend and no one thinks he’s Kira and together they’re continuing to bring in the New World.
Nothing is missing.
December 4
The sight of hair on his stomach makes him want to bathe in hot wax.
December 8
He can’t sleep. He paces about. He keeps pausing and lifting his left wrist and looking over his shoulder.
There’s nothing there.
December 10
He needs to cut his hair. It’s getting way too long.
Misa protests and calls him pretty. The word tangles in his stomach.
He finds a reason, he finds a way to explain.
He can’t live as a woman without L. It isn’t safe. He has to dress as a man to return to normal life.
Misa understands. She shears him.
He can’t stand to look in the mirror when she’s done.
December 11
He shuts his eyes to brush his teeth.
December 12
He puts on his suit and tie. He explains to the task force why he has to be a man again.
Aizawa and Mogi nod. His father has sadness in his eyes.
Matsuda excuses himself.
He catches sight of his reflection in a window. He wants to smash it in.
He’s a well behaved young man. He has control over his actions.
As he walks, he hears metal striking metal behind him.
December 13
He wonders if his breasts are shrinking. It would be a relief.
They are barely there at all, which is good. He only knows they’ve grown because he’s spent 18 years in this body.
No one else would be able to tell at all.
December 14
It’s been over a month since he stopped the hormones. Why is he still crying?
December 17
When he shaves, he notices the angles of his face sharpening.
This is how it’s supposed to be.
December 25
It’s Misa’s birthday!
Misa begs and pleads to finally give him a full face of makeup.
She wants to dress him up like a doll. She can give him a wig, too, to replace the tresses he lost.
He agrees. He’s a good boyfriend.
In the mirror, he sees her again. He lifts a delicate, gloved hand, and she lifts hers to meet him.
She parts her ruby red lips and bats her luscious lashes.
She had no idea eyeliner made her eyes look this big.
He’s shaking when he washes it all off. What is getting into him?
December 26
He grips the sink so hard he worries he’ll tear it off the wall.
December 27
Something is rotting in his stomach.
December 31
He misses his mother and sister. But he’s been lying about running off with Misa, and he doesn’t know how to take that back.
He doesn’t know how to take anything back.
He wonders what Soichiro told them about who he is now.
January 11
Light’s hand is shaking too hard to depress the plunger on her own.
Misa finds her in the bathroom, paraphernalia scattered about.
Her hand is so steady. She kisses her forehead.
January 12
With Misa’s guidance, Light orders a strap-on harness.
January 18
Misa remembers that a week has passed.
Light shuts her eyes.
The needle pinches, but she doesn’t cry.
January 20
Light and Misa consummate their relationship.
Misa practically sings Light’s name as she comes.
January 21
It should have been him.