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Pain. It assaulted him from everywhere.
One minute he was running through that damned warehouse, and the next Johnny found himself here, buried under a pile of fallen debris that must’ve landed on him when the whole place had given way.
He took a painful breath, tried to think, but only fragments came to him. He remembered the initial call to the warehouse, he remembered being with Roy and separating to look for victims, he remembered the running… and then there was nothing. Which, judging by how it felt like someone was using a jackhammer inside of his very skull, he realized he much preferred the nothing.
It was good enough, Johnny decided. He remembered enough to at least know where he was, but that was of little comfort to him as the next thought hit hard and fast.
But did anyone else know where he was?
That part Johnny couldn’t be quite sure of, but it was probably fine if they didn’t just yet. Surely someone would eventually notice his absence and start a search.
If they didn’t think he was already dead.
Pushing away that thought, he moved on to assessing the situation. The most obvious thing was the fact he was clearly injured and buried under a pile of assorted debris. The second most obvious thing? The fact there seemed to be a steel beam crushing the hell out of him.
Johnny took another painful breath and gave it a push, trying in vain to move it off of him, but the thing didn’t budge. Okay, now that was bad. It was one thing to be buried under a pile of debris in a collapsed warehouse, but it was something else entirely to be buried under a pile of debris in a collapsed warehouse and not even be able to free yourself from the offending pile.
Not to mention the injuries.
That part Johnny didn’t wanna think about, because unfortunately, as a paramedic he knew he was in deep trouble. At the very least, he knew he had a head injury. Whether that was just a concussion or something more sinister, he had no idea. Also on the top of the worry list was that he was increasingly having trouble breathing, but he supposed that was the beam lying across his chest. He hoped that was just because of the beam lying across his chest and not that he was currently experiencing severe internal bleeding.
As for everything else, it was hard to tell. His arms seemed to be fine, movable with no massive pain, at least. But because of the way the beam and the rest of the debris had fallen, it was hard to assess anything below his chest beyond “hurts like hell”. Which was fine, he told himself, Roy would be there before too long to get him out and he’d be fine, even though Johnny begrudgingly knew he was very likely having surgery in the near future. Which also meant he’d be out of work, again, for who knows how long while he recovered. Right now, however, Johnny decided he’d gratefully take being in a nice, somewhat comfortable, hospital bed because it’d sure beat his current predicament.
In the meantime, Johnny decided to just concentrate on breathing. Because, while what the future held in store likely wouldn’t be all that pleasant, he could worry about that later. And he definitely couldn’t worry about that later if he was dead.
They would find him.
They had to find him.
Johnny didn’t know how long he lay there, just letting himself drift in the darkness. Something inside of him told him he shouldn’t let himself fall asleep, it was too dangerous, but sleep was right there, so quiet and comforting. And that was the only thing he wanted right now, as the jackhammer continued its unrelenting job inside his skull, so a little nap couldn’t hurt. He could worry about the dangers later, maybe when things hurt less.
It hadn’t taken Roy long to notice.
Initially there had been some distraction, his thoughts fully on treating the victim he’d managed to find and successfully haul from the warehouse before the entire thing had went. But once that distraction was removed, his victim stable and not in any immediate danger, a sense of wrongness overtook him. He frowned, trying to figure out was feeling so off. Then it hit him. He hadn’t seen Johnny in awhile, which wasn’t exactly abnormal, but he’d have assumed that his partner would’ve been around to at least help him out with his patient after the collapse, if not attending to his own.
Roy’s frown deepened as he looked around and saw nothing but the usual chaos that came with such a scene, but there was no sign of his partner. His priority was to his patient, he knew that, but his patient was stable… and he had to know. Fully aware that he very well could get in trouble for it later, he unceremoniously passed his patient off to the other squad at the scene and went in search.
But nobody had seen Johnny, at least not since they’d both entered the warehouse. And with dread, Roy let himself finally say it.
“I don’t think Johnny made it out.”
It had taken a bit, too long actually, to get a search party cleared to go back in. Or what was left of in, because there really wasn’t much left, but just enough that there were massive safety concerns about whether it was even a good idea to risk it. But it was Johnny. And he couldn’t just abandon Johnny, not if there was still hope that he could’ve survived. And there was hope. More than just hope. He had to still be alive. There was no other option.
The biggest issue was, where could he be? The warehouse was massive, as warehouses tended to be, the fact it was still on fire and fumes and dust in the air made things harder, and the debris made navigating even more of a nightmare… and Johnny could be buried under any of it. If Johnny had managed to survive the collapse, would he even still be alive by the time they found him? Roy hadn’t meant to think it, the thought just coming unbidden as it would for any other search, but this was different. This wasn’t just some random victim, this was Johnny, he mentally repeated to himself, over and over, like some kind of calming mantra. It was Johnny.
And with that mantra, he went to work.
It seemed to take too long, far too long for his liking at least, before they finally found Johnny. Of course, the logical and rational side of Roy knew that it had been a perfectly reasonable amount of time for this kind of search, especially since they had to be extremely careful not to disturb the wrong thing the wrong way and send what was left of the warehouse crashing down on top of themselves (and Johnny again), but it was possible he wasn’t being entirely logical and rational at the moment. All he knew was that the moment someone had exclaimed that they thought they might’ve found Johnny, he completely stopped caring about whether he was being logical and rational and hauled ass.
“I’m not sure if it’s him, but it looks like a person under there,” James Johnson from station 127 admitted, pointing at the barely visible form underneath the rubble. “It looks like this guy has dark hair like Gage, too.”
Heart pounding, Roy steadied himself and took a look, knowing that if this wasn’t actually Johnny they may never find him… at least not alive, anyway.
He knew it instantly, he’d recognize that strangely endearing shock of shaggy dark hair perpetually in need of a haircut (or at least a comb) anywhere and Roy took a breath and felt like he might just collapse on the spot. But he couldn’t collapse, not right now, because Johnny still needed him and that overrode any sense of relief at finding him or any sense of panic at the what if’s that came after.
“Yeah. Yeah, that’s him,” Roy heard himself say. “We need to get this stuff off him, it’s crushed him.”
“Think he’s still alive?”
Roy tensed at that. That was the exact thought he’d been avoiding, but he knew he had to face the reality now. It was entirely possible, likely even, that Johnny had actually been killed immediately. But even so, he desperately needed it to be that he wasn’t dead and that everything would end up fine like every other time Johnny’d ended up injured in some spectacular way.
“Maybe,” Roy steeled himself. “It’s definitely possible. We just need to clear away some of this so I can get to him.”
And so they went back to work. Which yet again seemed to take an eternity, perhaps somehow more now that Roy was practically exploding inside to know. Because if they’d been too late, if Johnny had died on impact, he wasn’t sure how he could live with that.
Then finally, finally, they’d cleared enough that he could reach him, but before he could allow himself any sense of relief, he’d sprung into action and moved to Johnny. At last.
Roy reached for Johnny, still very much buried in debris but accessible enough, and quickly found his carotid.
Come on, come on…
And Roy wanted to collapse again.
“Is he alive?”
“Yeah,” Roy finally said after a moment. “His pulse is thready and he’s barely breathing, but he’s alive.”
“Damn, that Gage sure is a lucky guy to live through that. I think half of this warehouse landed on him.”
“Go get me the biophone, drugbox and oxygen,” Roy said, internally panicking. “Then we need to move this beam and the rest of this stuff off of him.”
In the meantime, he quickly began a cursory assessment, which wouldn’t be much considering how much of Johnny he had access to at the moment but it’d be something to work with. From what he could see, Johnny’d been struck in the head by something during the collapse and had been bleeding from the wound, but that’d long since stopped, judging from the dried blood that matted his hair. That definitely would explain why Johnny had yet to regain any semblance of consciousness since he’d found him.
After checking Johnny’s nose and ears for fluid or blood, and not finding anything, he moved on to his eyes. Unequal and sluggish, but reactive. So, at the very least Johnny was concussed, although the continued unconsciousness worried him for something more sinister. Including that he could very well be bleeding out internally as they worked, a fact he was nearly certain was the case when they’d discovered the huge steel beam on top of his partner.
“Ow,” Johnny suddenly groaned, startling Roy.
“Johnny? Hey, can you hear me?”
“Ow,” Johnny repeated. “Head… hurss”
Roy frowned slightly at the slurring, but consciousness was definitely an improvement so he’d take it. “You managed to hit that hard head of yours. Couldn’t keep that helmet on again, could you?”
“Warehouse… hit me,” Johnny squinted up at him. “Didn’t make… it out.”
“I know. You’re going to be fine, just take it easy. I’m getting some guys so we can move that beam off of you in a minute.”
Johnny closed his eyes for a second, just enough that Roy thought he was out again, but then they reopened. “Knew you’d…find me.”
Something tore at Roy’s heart at those words. “Of course I did. I didn’t wanna break in a new partner, I had enough trouble breaking you in.”
“Wasn’t… that bad,” Johnny grinned slightly. “Wasn’t that… much trouble.”
Roy managed a small chuckle at those words. “Not that much trouble? I’m not sure we’re talking about the same John Gage.”
“Heard you needed some help,” A familiar voice cut in. “How is he?”
“Not good, Marco. We need to get this beam off of him as soon as possible. He’s conscious now, but it’s crushing him and I’m afraid if he arrests I won’t be able to do anything about it with that on top of him.”
“I can… hear you, you… know.” Johnny mumbled.
Marco nodded. “Here’s the drugbox, I think Chet is on the way with the rest.”
“Chet? Is the fire out?”
“Not completely, but they didn’t need us anymore so we figured we’d help out. Especially when we found out it was Johnny.”
Roy nodded. “Thanks.”
“Okay, Johnny, while we wait on Chet I’m going to start an IV, alright?” Roy said, preparing what he needed.
“Great,” Johnny mumbled. “Love… IVs.”
“I know, but you need one. I haven’t taken your blood pressure yet, but I’m pretty sure you’re in shock.”
“Internal… bleeding?”
“Yeah. Most likely.”
“At… least… isn’t… spleen… this… time.”
Roy shook his head, starting the IV. “Only you could make that sound like a good thing.”
“Gage, what did you do this time?” A new voice broke in. “How does someone manage to get stuck under a beam, anyway? That takes real skill that only a disaster magnet like yourself could manage.”
“Chet… Shut…up.”
“What? You know I’m right. Now you just lay back and watch the real firemen work, maybe take some notes for next time.”
Johnny shot him a look, but didn’t reply, eyes silently closing.
“Johnny? Hey. Stay awake,” Roy said. “We’re about to get this off of you, but you have to stay awake, alright?”
“T’red… cold… too…” He mumbled in return.
“That’s the shock, but we’re about to get this off of you and get you to Rampart. Just stay with me, okay?”
Johnny grunted something that could’ve been agreement or could’ve been a curse, Roy wasn’t quite sure. Either way, Johnny remained conscious so it didn’t matter to Roy.
Next, Roy finally turned to Marco and Chet. “The biggest thing is that we need to get this beam off of him. Once that’s off, I think we might be able to slide him out from under the rest of this debris”
“Right. We’re ready, let’s do this.” Chet replied, as he and Marco got into position.
“Let’s take this easy, we don’t wanna hurt him anymore than he is. One, two, three…”
And then it happened. The beam shifted slightly, but the ceiling let out a groan and more debris crashed down, threatening to bury them all this time.
“Okay, stop!” Roy yelled. “That’s strange… it’s like this beam is still connected to something…”
And then it hit him. It was. It had to be. “We never looked that closely at it because of all the rubble but… I think it’s still connected to something in the ceiling.”
“And it’s still holding the whole thing up.” Marco finished.
“Right. We need to look under this rubble to see if we can cut just enough of it away without sending the whole thing down.”
A whole lot of digging and some time later revealed the terrible truth. The beam was very much still supporting the ceiling and was also very much still connected to some other fallen debris that they’d initially missed in the rubble.
“So what does this mean?” Chet asked, trying to wrap his head around everything. “What’s the plan now?”
Johnny, who had been mostly quiet during all of this, drifting in and out again, finally spoke. “It … means… I’m… dying.”
There was silence for a second, as nobody knew what to say. What could they say?
“Don’t say that, Johnny,” Roy finally broke the silence. “You’re not going to die. We’re going to figure this out.”
Johnny shook his head slightly and winced, clearly realizing that was a bad idea. “No. By the… time… you… figure… out a… plan, I’ll… bleed… to…death.”
Nobody could fault his logic. It was obvious that Johnny had been slowly slipping away from the moment they’d first discovered him buried in the rubble, but to have to confront the possibility of actually losing him now was almost impossible.
“Stop it, you’re going to be fine,” Roy said firmly, although he wasn’t entirely sure he even believed his own words anymore. “You have plenty of time left.”
Johnny sighed quietly and said nothing, but as Roy met Marco and Chet’s eyes: he knew. Everyone currently huddled around that goddamned fallen beam knew. Johnny wasn’t going to be getting out of this alive.
“I’m getting on the horn to Rampart,” Roy said finally, for all the good that’d do. He’d already started an IV and put Johnny on oxygen, which he knew was all Rampart would advise him to do anyway in this circumstance. At least until they extricated him… if they extricated him.
As he relayed vitals and information about the situation, he watched Marco and Chet gathered around Johnny, chatting like nothing was wrong. But something was wrong, something was very wrong and had all the potential of never being right again. But he pushed that down, again, and focused on his job.
When he returned to Johnny, he was thankfully still conscious and seemed alert enough. What he wasn’t expecting were Johnny’s next words.
“Circling… the… drain,” He muttered. “Heard… vitals…”
And as Roy met his eyes, he didn’t like what he saw there. Vulnerability, pain, and something new, something scary…. acceptance.
“Didn’t I tell you to stop saying that you’re going to die?” Roy’s voice was sharp, too sharp for someone who also very much knew the truth. “We got some guys, and Cap, outside working to come up with a plan to free you as soon as we possibly can. So just hang in there.”
“Stop… pre…tending. You… know it… too,” Surprisingly, his gaze didn’t waver, looking far more alert than he probably should have. “Was a… good… five… years. The… best… of my… life, act…ually.”
“Johnny…” But he knew Johnny was right. Of course he was, he was dying and there was nothing he or anyone else could do about it. The only thing, the last thing, he could give his partner now was some peace as he slipped further and further away from him.
“Couldn’t… have… done it… without you… as my… partner.”
“Yeah. Yeah, you could’ve. You were talented, courageous,” Roy paused a second, composing himself. “Hard-headed, especially, long before I met you. You didn’t need me for that.”
“Not… true… I guess… I just…“ He paused. “I always… wanted… to tell… you… but…I couldn’t. Thought… there’d… be more… time.”
“It’s fine, don’t worry about it. It’s been a hell of a five years with you too… and I wouldn’t trade it for the world.”
“No… no… I mean… I… I… love you… Roy. I always… have.” Johnny blinked up at him slowly, the evidence that he was fading out slapping him in the face. “S…orry… never… told you.”
The weight of Johnny’s confession had Roy reeling as if he’d just had a ceiling dropped on him. It wasn’t even like he hadn’t suspected it, because he had, for the last several years at least, but it was some kind of unspoken, unacknowledged secret between them… that he was sure they both actually knew. But maybe Johnny hadn’t known. Maybe he hadn’t seen.
“Johnny, I,” Roy unexpectedly choked up, suddenly overcome with emotion. “I love you, too. I guess… I guess I just assumed you knew.”
Johnny smiled softly up at him, each blink becoming slower until finally closing completely. “Nice… to… hear it.”
“Johnny? Johnny, oh God, hey, wake up.” Roy shook him slightly, knowing it was probably in vain but doing it all the same because he couldn’t lose Johnny. Not after this. Not when their mutual confession was still hanging so raw in the air. “You can’t just do that, you can’t just tell me that and then… leave.”
Despite Roy’s desperate words, Johnny remained stubbornly still, and even though he already knew the answer, two trembling fingers found his carotid and…
Nothing.
Johnny was gone.
They had made their confession and Johnny was gone and there was nothing in the goddamn world he could do to change that.
Someone touched his shoulder and Roy flinched, having completely forgotten anyone but him and Johnny had been there. He looked up to find Chet looking at him with a mix of shock and anguish that he’d never seen on him before, never wanted to see.
“Is he…?” He couldn’t finish.
“Yeah… he is,” Roy turned away. “He was right, there was never a chance we’d be able to get him out in time. He knew… he knew and I couldn’t do anything and now…”
There was a heavy pause, but nobody needed to say anything. Everything that needed to be said had already been said.
“You gave Johnny what he needed,” Marco finally broke the silence. “You made sure he died knowing he was loved. That’s not nothing. Don’t beat yourself up over it, Roy.”
Even though Marco’s words might’ve been true, it didn’t change anything. Not really. He may have given him what he’d wanted in his last moments, but the fact remained that he’d failed to give him what he truly had needed, to be saved and that… that was the biggest failure imaginable.
He should’ve gotten to Johnny sooner. He should’ve figured out how unstable the warehouse had been sooner. And now Johnny was paying the ultimate price for his failure.
Roy ran his hand through Johnny’s hair for the first, and last, time, and smiled sadly to himself. He’d always wanted to do this, but never could, and was content to discover it was just as soft as he’d always figured it would be.
“I’m so sorry I failed you, Johnny. I’m so sorry.”