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“I- Doug, do you actually want me to do this?”
“Uh, yeah. I do, Dan. Why else would I ask?” Wow, okay. Straightforward much. But I guess the “hey dan can you suck my dick for me” also wasn’t his smoothest of moves.
The two stare at each other for a moment before Doug speaks up again. “Can you, like, get on your knees for me?” Dan gives Doug a look but he doesn’t necessarily deny him.
“I don’t like how politely you ask that. Such a weird thing for that tone of voice.” Dan laughs, looking to the floor but not really committing to sitting down yet.
“What, you want me to scream at you or something?”
“No- Like- It’s usually all sexy and sensual when people say that kinda stuff.”
“Yeah, but life isn’t like porn. And it’s hard to talk sexy when you just spent like four hours talking to a camera.”
Fail just kinda stares at Doug.
“Also, why would I talk sexy? This is just two guys being bros and maybe fucking sometimes. It’s not a big deal.
The two stay in silence again before Doug feels his dick talk for him again. “Hey, so about you getting on your knees.”
Dan sighs and eventually lowers himself on the floor. There’s a spot on the carpet right next to him that’s all grossly stained with food or something. He refuses to look to Doug’s chair for now, so he stares at said stain.
“Why aren’t you the one doing this?”
“Sucking dick’s against my diet.” Doug says like he’s rehearsed it a million times, proud and all confident-like.
Dan pauses to think for a second. “Huh. If that’s a joke about meat that doesn’t make any sense, ‘cause like, aren’t you still on keto?”
Doug lets out a dramatic sigh like Dan had offended his entire family. “The joke was about bananas.”
“OHHHH! Okay, that makes more sense because like-“ Dan starts to trail off with blabbering and laughter, and Doug decides and Dan is probably doing this on purpose to avoid giving him that sweet, sweet blowie.
“You’re being an asshole right now.”
“Wow, pushy.” Dan scoffs. “I’d like to see you stare down the barrel of a gun and see how it feels. This is, like, the same thing.”
“Usually guns only go in mouths if you’re committing suicide.”
“Hey, I’ve seen some wild things on the internet.”
“Dan, what do you even mean by that? Do you even know what you mean by that?”
“Ehhhh.“
Doug awkwardly shimmies his shorts and boxers off, it’s kinda difficult while sitting in his chair but he manages. "There we go. I’d be swooning if I were you.”
Fail spares a glance upwards and sees Doug's pudgy cock flop out, glistening slightly in the strangely harsh light of the room. "Oh, I'm thrilled." He deadpans.
"You know, you could at least pretend to be excited." Doug says, adjusting himself in the chair. "I'm putting myself out here for you."
Fail laughs, finally crawling closer on his knees. He can smell the weird musk that Doug' has, a faint scent of body odor. Probably from sweating and stuff. "You smell, you know."
"Yeah, well, you're about to get up close and personal with it." Doug retorts, leaning back in his chair.
Fail takes a deep breath, steeling himself. He reaches out, fingers brushing against Doug's thigh before wrapping around his cock. It's warm and soft in his hand, twitching slightly at the contact.
"Fuck, that's cold." Doug groans, squirming in his seat.
"My hands are always cold." Fail apologizes, “never really knew why.” Dan gives Doug's cock a tentative stroke. It grows harder in his hand, the skin smooth and velvety. "That better?"
"Yeah. Now put it in your mouth already?” Doug grins, hands impatiently fisting in the armrests of his chair.
“Okay, so, what, you want me to suck it all in like I’m Kirby?” Dan laughs with an eyebrow cocked up, always so unnecessarily expressive, that guy.
“Yeah, that’d be great actually.” He refutes smugly. “You know, in the next minute and not, like, in ten years.” Doug places a hand on Dan’s hat, making Dan flinch a bit, but still not pulling himself away.
Eventually, Fail complies, leaning forward with a boatload of hesitation. He parts his lips, even so slowly taking Doug into his mouth inch by inch. He suppresses his urge to immediately spit it out, since it takes like shit, but what did he honestly expect? It’s a dick. It’s not gonna taste like pasta. Or god forbid like peanut butter.
"Oh fuck, yeah." Doug groans, head falling back against the chair. His hand slightly pushes against Dan’s head, guiding him further down. "That's it, take it all."
Fail gags slightly as Doug goes deeper then what he’s ready for, but he tries to push through it. He does not succeed, so unfortunately, he does have to pull off.
“Agh- Doug, I’m gonna throw up.” Dan breathes heavily with a few coughs, pushing his glasses up since they fell a bit. For a guy who hasn’t sucked a dick before he got pretty damn far. Doug is far from wanting this to be over though.
Dan hacks and sputters a bit more, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, glaring up at Doug, realizing that the reason he started choking is completely Doug’s fault. "What the hell?! You're not exactly a small guy down there."
Doug just grins, clearly a bit amused by Dan's discomfort. "Sorry, sorry. Got a little carried away there." He doesn't sound sorry at all. "But hey, if you're not into this, we could always just fuck instead. You know, like bros do."
Dan blinks. "What do you mean, like exactly, by fuck?"
"You know, penis in butt, the usual." Doug shrugs, like it's no big deal. "Instead of getting off one at a time, we can make this a two-way street."
Dan stares at him like a deer in headlights. "I'm not doing that."
"C'mon, it'll be fun." Doug insists, shifting his weight and getting off the chair and onto the floor.
Dan snorts. "Pretty sure that's just gonna hurt really bad."
Doug laughs. "Maybe a little. But I promise I'll go slow."
They go back and forth for a while, but eventually, Dan agrees. "Fine. But no funny business.”
"Okay." Doug smiles. "You gonna take your pants off or what?"
"Yeah, yeah, hold your horses." Dan mutters, shimmying out of his shorts and boxers.
"I've been holding my horses." Doug reaches out, wrapping a hand around Dan's dick. "Nice." He comments, giving it a few strokes.
Dan lets out a shaky breath, his eyebrows furrowing. "Don't do that."
Doug chuckles, releasing Dan's dick. "Alright, alright."
Doug reaches over to his desk and in one of the bottom drawers, rummaging through before grabbing a small bottle of lube. He squirts some onto his fingers, rubbing them together to warm it up.
"Why do you have that in your desk? You work from here."
"For moments like this. Also, I jerk off a lot."
"I think I could have assumed that last part, actually."
"Put your legs out for me?"
Doug lifts Dan up and on top of his knees, Dan not exactly helping since he doesn't really know what he's doing.
"You're heavy." Doug says, giving Dan's stomach a squeeze. "You have a beer gut without the drinking beer part."
"You know, I can leave right now." Dan glares, to which Doug sighs and POLITELY asks Dan to put his legs to the sides of him and push himself up a bit. Dan complains about straining himself or being embarrassed by this or something.
"Okay, this might feel a little weird at first." Doug warns, pressing a finger against him. Dan tenses up, his muscles contracting. "Agh- don't like that."
"Sorry." Doug apologizes. "Just try to relax."
Dan takes a deep breath, trying to loosen up. It's not exactly comfortable. Like, at all. Doug slowly works his finger in, twisting and turning it to stretch Dan out. "You can stop pushing yourself up as much. But, uh, keep your legs there." Doug tells him, which is kind of bullshit instructions, but Dan lets out a relieved noise so it's probably fine.
"How's that feel?" Doug asks. "Weird." Dan says bluntly. "Not a good or a bad weird? Just weird.. Actually, wait, maybe a bit bad. Bad weird.”
Doug nods, adding a second finger. He scissors them, stretching Dan further. He’s trying to hurry up. "I can jerk you off if you want. Might help take your mind off it."
Dan considers it for a moment. Better than just being uncomfortable. He nods. "Yeah, okay. That could be good."
Doug spits in his other hand rather filthily, despite the lube that's literally right there, and wraps it around Dan's dick, stroking it in time with his fingers. Dan lets out a kind of 'guh' sound, his hips rocking slightly.
"That's it." Doug encourages. "Just focus on how good this feels."
Dan isn't a fan of how Doug talked to him there, but he moves on, just focusing on the feeling. It's growing on him. It's sort of overwhelming but in a good way.
For just a moment, Doug considered just doing this instead of actually having sex. Seeing people all folded like this without any actual penetration always kinda turned him on.
He's a fan of how Dan's breathing got heavier, how tightly his eyes are shut. But not in a gay way. He's not into him. It's just sexy, it would be sexy if any other person were to do it. Maybe just a bit more time like this.
He takes his fingers out and slides Dan off of him and back onto the floor, since Dan's stretched enough. Dan then feels relaxed, but Doug keeps pumping his other hand around Dan. Just as a treat for himself.
He continues stroking Dan's dick furiously, lost in his own little world. His eyes are glazed over, his mouth hanging open slightly as he watches Dan's reactions.
"Why are you still.. I thought-?" Dan asks, but they're not really full questions so is it really asking anything? Doug just hums an 'mhm' in response, not even really registering what Dan said. He's too focused on the way Dan's hips are twitching and the ever so quiet breaths coming from him.
"I'm getting close." Dan warns with a strained voice. But before he can finish, Doug abruptly pulls his hand away, leaving Dan basically blue balled.
Dan makes a frustrated noise, followed by Doug immediately apologizing for getting carried away. Dan tells him it’s fine but he does not mean it at all.
Okay, time to move on. Doug positions himself between Dan's legs, leaning over him. "Okay, uh, can you put your legs around me?”
"They're gonna break in half if you keep making me do this.” Dan complains, but he complies anyway, wrapping his legs around Doug's waist.
"You're still heavy." Doug grunts, pushing himself up. "You really put the ‘boat’ in Failboat, huh?"
Dan rolls his eyes. "Wow, so creative. Haven't heard that one before." He deadpans. “Can you do this really slow?”
"Yeah, yeah." Doug nods, probably not going to adhere to that but whatever. “You should, uh, put your arms around my neck.” Doug says. “For support.” He quickly adds.
Dan does it, but he doesn’t like how intimate it feels. So close and personal to his face. But he guesses that having sex is also pretty close and personal. But it’s a DIFFERENT kind, you know? He also doesn’t like the way Doug looks at him. Like, it’s not creepy, but he just has this glint in his eye that makes him feel strange.
Dan hears Doug say something, not really registering it, and tenses up as he feels Doug enter him, well, somewhat enter him, it’s just the tip. Dan makes a noise he doesn’t like the fact that it came from his mouth. It's not exactly painful, but it's definitely uncomfortable. Actually, it’s a little painful. “Can- Um, please stop.”
Doug seems frustrated but complies. Eventually Fail lets him go a bit deeper. Still super fucking uncomfortable. But the pressure feels good. “Oh god.” Dan breathes out. He feels his fingers twitch a bit and his legs kinda shake. He isn’t the biggest fan of his body moving involuntarily. Dan gives permission again, and Doug pushes further with a really loud moan.
Dan’s chest feels tighter, he bites down another sound that tries to escape him. He doesn’t really want to make that much noise, just for his own sake. Doug, on the other hand, is making all sorts of noises, groaning and moaning like REALLY fucking loud. It's almost embarrassing how much noise he's making.
“Please tell me I can move. Dan, I really, really need this.” He strains. “Fuck, please.”
His voice sounds really weird, Dan thinks. “Okay.” Dan eventually says, to which Doug’s eyes light up and he starts fucking going for it immediately.
"Fuck, you're so tight." Doug pants. “Doing so fucking good.” Dan wishes Doug wouldn’t say shit like that.
Dan yells for him to slow down but he doesn’t really listen. Maybe it’s not so bad, though. Because it kinda feels good. Like, okay, maybe it feels really good. Like really fucking good. Maybe this wasn’t a bad idea after all.
“You’re so fucking hot, Dan. Feel so good around me.”
Nope, definitely still a bad idea. Dan is very much weirded out by Doug's words. He's not into him like that, but he decides to just let Doug do his thing. It feels really fucking good, so he's not going to complain too much. It’s probably just bedroom talk, he doubts he means it.
Doug continues to ramble on, getting louder and louder with each thrust. "Oh my god, you're so fucking amazing. I can't believe this is actually happening." He pants, his face flushed and sweaty. "You're so perfect, like everything about you is just- fuck."
Dan tries to hold back his noises, not wanting to encourage Doug's little love fest here. But it's hard, because it’s only feeling better and better by the second.
"And your laugh, holy shit, your laugh is the best thing I've ever heard." Doug continues. "And the way you talk, and the way you move, and-“
“No..” Is all Dan is able to get out. Trying to get him to stop fucking talking like that. Doug takes it as Dan being self-deprecating.
“I mean it Dan. I love you. I fucking love you."
"Doug." Dan breathes out, trying to keep his tone of voice monotone and flat, as a way to say ‘cut it out.’ But it comes out more breathy than he intended.
He seems to take that as encouragement, or as reciprocation, whatever he takes it as he makes another embarrassingly loud noise and starts kissing all over Fail’s neck. His beard is itchy and Dan definitely isn’t the biggest fan of that. Only slightly a fan. So many senses are going off at once and it’s really overstimulating. But like in a good way, makes everything feel better. The part he doesn’t like is that Doug is kissing him like this.
“I love your body. I love the size, I love the weight, I love the height, I love the face- god, I love the face.”
Doug's hands roam all over Dan's body, touching and exploring every inch of him. His fingers trace the curves of Dan's stomach, the lines of his chest, the shape of his face. It's like he's trying to memorize every little detail.
Doug seems to notice that Dan is trying to hold off, the way he shuts his eyes and presses his mouth so tightly gives it away.
“Dan, stop that, I want to- I wanna hear you, Dan. Please, let me hear you.”
Doug hits a particularly good spot, and Dan lets out a downright guttural noise that he very much did not mean to. It's like his brain just short-circuited and all he could do was make that sound. He tries to say something, but he can't. It's like his mouth won't work anymore.
Doug seems to take this as a good sign, because he starts going even faster, his hips slamming against Dan's. He wraps a hand around Dan's dick, stroking it in time with his thrusts.
"Oh god, oh fuck.” Doug moans, his voice getting higher and higher with each word. "I'm gonna- fuck, I'm gonna cum. Gonna cum inside you, oh my god.”
“No- can- Doug, pull out!” Fail pleads. He just isn’t ready for that kind of stuff. It’s really gross to him. Doug nods, but he definitely doesn’t adhere to that.
He finishes, loudly, halfway inside, and halfway all over Dan’s chest. And jesus fuck that is a lot of jizz. Dan followers soon after, coating his lower body and Doug’s hand in himself. Gross.
“Sss- fffuck. Sorry. I didn’t mean to.” Doug groans, referring to how he ‘tried’ to pull out, which is a definitely a lie but Dan doesn’t really know that.
Dan is a little out of it so he does it really say anything, he touches the cum all over his face, kinda feels like slime. The fact that it shot that far is impressive in a way.
“I thhh,, fuck, I think it’s the olive oil.” Doug says, somehow perfectly in tune with Dan’s thoughts. “Fuck, I like seeing you like this.”
Dan thinks this is the perfect time to bring the stuff that Doug said during that up. But he can’t really since he feels like he’s in another plane of existence. His legs are twitching and his chest feels tight.
He’ll have to bring it up another day. It was probably just him saying stuff in the moment. (Spoiler alert! It was not.)