Work Text:
Dev: Ready?
Niall: Do we have to do this?
Dev: YES.
Niall: I mean, don’t you think we’re a little old to still be pulling this kind of thing? Simon and Baz have a kid now for Merlin’s sake
Dev: That’s exactly why we need to go all out this year. Last year they got a break because they hadn’t slept and we thought they might literally lose their minds. We can’t skip again
Niall: Baz is going to be furious with us. I don’t know if you’re ready for his wrath. I know I’m not
Dev: Baby, I’ve already signed the disclaimer saying you’re doing this against your will. You’re protected
Niall: He’s never going to believe it
Dev: I’ll send it to Snow too…he’ll understand how compelling Pitches can be
Niall: ew
Niall: on so many levels
Dev: stop whinging. did you get the bag of reindeer farts or not?
Niall: Yes 🙄 I got them.
Niall: You owe me so much for this.
Dev and Niall’s Top-Secret List of Super-Important Christmas Tasks
- Place motion-activated Santas everywhere but hidden. Replace the “ho ho ho” recordings tapes with fart sounds. ✅
Simon: wtf mate. how many of these santas did you hide
Dev: not sure what you’re on about
Simon: and why do they keep going off even when no one is in the room?
Dev: the motion is connected to you and your doorbell camera!
Baz: I’m going to murder you.
Baz: Niall, I know you helped him.
Niall: I Don’t Know What You’re Talking About.
Baz: I can feel you sweating through the phone. You’re a terrible liar. And don’t try to claim you have one of those disclaimers waiving you of all responsibility again. It won’t work.
Simon: babe…if dev is as convincing as you are…
Baz: He’s not.
Dev: Hey!
Baz: I know you participated willingly. No one would think to put a motion-activated Santa next to that bookshelf if they were acting against their will.
Niall: you can’t know that was me! it could have been anyone!
Baz: You’re the only one who knows I have to start every morning with a few chapters of Twilight. Thanks to you and a particularly loud farting Santa, Breaking Dawn is now tea-stained and wrinkly, even after I cast good as new.
- Loosen one bulb from every strand of lights to ensure they all go out. ✅
- Get up early to move the elf on the shelf again somewhere really hard. ✅
Baz: Well, now you’ve made Snow cry.
Simon: i love my elf on the shelf. i start my mornings that way.
Baz: Where did you put him, Dev?
Dev: Right next to you!
Baz: …
Dev: Get it? Cuz Simon is short?
Baz: He’s crying harder now.
Simon: i never had a real christmas in the homes dev. why would you take this from me?
Dev: You can’t just play the orphan card whenever you don’t get your way, Snow.
Dev: We’ve all suffered shitty childhoods.
Baz: He’s collapsed on the floor in a puddle of tears. Tell me where the elf is, Dev.
Niall: In the fridge. Produce drawer.
Dev: Traitor.
- Spell the Alexa to play the same Christmas song on a loop. ✅
Baz: Thank you for making sure it is not the most wonderful time of the year. You shouldn’t even be able to hack into Alexa like that.
Simon: I like the song!
Dev: What’s wrong with you?
Baz: I’m with Dev this time. What’s wrong with you, Snow? It’s played a hundred times at least.
Simon: it’s cozy.
Dev: That's just wrong. The spell to turn it off is Bah humbug
Baz: No need. I called Mordelia to take care of the device.
Simon: She used Merry Christmas ya filthy animal and it blew into a thousand pieces.
- Toothpaste-frosting sugar cookies ✅
Baz: Well now you’ve gone and made Snow cry.
Dev: again? really?
Simon: it’s been an emotional year. how could you do that to cookies that never hurt anyone?
Dev: Why on earth did you eat unwrapped cookies left on your doorstep anyway?
Simon: I thought they were from Father Christmas
Baz: Simon, we’ve talked about this. He’s not real.
Simon: seeing is believing, but sometimes the most real things in the world are the things we can’t see
Baz: Circe, you have to stop watching the Polar Express with Mordelia. I told her she wasn’t allowed to watch it with you anymore.
Simon: Mordelia won’t watch it anymore but Fiona came over when I invited her. She took a lot of vape breaks but we both cried at the end.
Simon: she thought the cookies tasted fine
- Rats in the stockings ✅
Baz: DEV! TOO FAR, MATE!
Dev: So Snow can gift you dead rats and I can’t?
Baz: Snow has never once gifted me dead animals of any kind.
Dev: He killed that chimaera for you in fifth year…
Simon: I did
Niall: And there were those goblins last year that broke into your flat.
Simon: I forgot about those. That got messy fast.
Dev: Or there was that time with the cravens…
Niall: Don’t remind me.
Baz: Every instance you just named was in pursuit of survival, not gift-giving.
Dev: It’s a delicious holiday snack. Vampire edition. Like chocolates or oranges.
Baz: They were dead rats, Dev. In my stocking. And they started to smell. Not the same.
Niall: I told him fresh ones would be preferable.
Simon: the bows on the tails were a nice touch though
- Wrap EVERYTHING in the house in Christmas wrapping (plates, cups, furniture, etc). ✅
- Magically transform all clothing into tacky Christmas jumpers. (Try this early next year. -Dev)
Dev: hey thanks for the jumper. does this mean you’re giving up?
Baz: No…
Dev: Are we just…doing presents early this year?
Baz: What the fuck. This—this is a prank!
Niall: Really?
Baz: YES! You’re supposed to be upset and offended that your clothes are all ugly Christmas jumpers!
Dev: 🧐
Niall: oh good one Baz! they were awful. I’m so embarrassed.
Dev: Love, you really are the worst liar.
Niall: I’m not lying. They were so bad. Just terribly, terribly bad and embarrassing. I’ve been made a fool of.
Dev: Well, I wasn’t. Not only did I already own a couple of them, but “Santa’s Favorite Ho” won me a prize at work.
Simon: question, just for the record
Simon: if one had said “santa’s not the only one hoping to empty his sack this christmas,” would that have been offensive?
Dev: actually, yes. I think that might have done it
Simon: I TOLD YOU BABE
Simon: i’m in charge of offensive jumpers next year
- Draw dicks on the ornaments facing slightly away so you can’t tell right away. ✅
Simon: your a monster
Simon: lucy found your additions to our Christmas ornaments this morning
Dev: 😂
Baz: I was forced to Google “how to turn dick drawings into teddy bears.”
Niall: Did you get any results?
Simon: only after he added the word “drawings” to his search. do NOT leave that word out. trust me
Dev: Googling now.
Niall: Circe, why would anyone post this?!
Simon: i warned you.
Baz: Who cares about the bloody search? The point is Simon spent hours frantically drawing over your inappropriate doodles to shield our innocent child.
Simon: ok tbf it may not be the first time i’ve had to explain away a dick drawing to lucy. i doodle when i’m on the phone
Dev: Embrace the whimsy, Baz.
Baz: There was no whimsy. Only questions.
Simon: SO. MANY. QUESTIONS.
- Make it “snow” inside the flat with exploding baby powder. ✅
Baz: Gentlemen. That’s really enough. Aren’t we too old for this?
Dev: I’ll be too old when I finally hang up my leather booty shorts
Niall: well, you did say they were getting a little chafe-y and you preferred fabric that breathes now
Dev: Traitor. The answer is never.
Dev: Just because you have a kid now doesn’t mean you can get away with being adults ALL THE TIME.
Dev: You don’t call, you don’t write. I know you’re very happy daddies and all that fluffy bullshit and we’re very happy for you but we were here first.
Niall: What I think Dev is trying to say is we’re your friends, and we miss you. But some of us chose to say so a bit indirectly, possibly through farting Santas.
Baz: Well, thank you for letting us know. I didn’t realise you felt that way.
Simon: its kinda sweet actually
Dev: Mostly we miss Baz, but you’re fine too
Baz: I appreciate the sentiment. I don’t want you to feel like we’re not prioritizing our friendship with you, but maybe we can do that in a different way. Truce?
Niall: Yeah, that’d be nice.
Baz: Pints at the Whistling Ogre? I’ll ask Ruth to watch Lucy, and I’ll invite Fiona, too. And you’re buying. We still haven’t found and removed all the farting Santas.
Dev: All right. Fair enough. One round only
Niall: We got a table in the back. Where are you? Want us to get you pints?
Niall: Fiona’s here so I guess it’s shots.
Niall: Please come. Dev and Fiona are wearing matching jumpers that say “When I Think About You, I Touch My Elf.” And I don’t even think they did it on purpose.
Dev: Are you lot okay?
Baz: 
Dev: WTF
Dev: IS THAT
Niall: are those our CHILDREN???????
Simon: if you ever want to see Bram and Bela again, you’ll declare us Kings of the Christmas Prank wars
Baz: And you’ll never ever cover our Christmas tree in phalluses again.
Simon: without permission
Baz: And you’ll promise that if you’re feeling abandoned by us, you’ll just tell us, instead of clear-cutting half a forest’s worth of wrapping paper to package everything in our house in gift wrap.
Niall: it was sustainably sourced!
Dev: And you’ll come out to the pub more.
Dev: It doesn’t have to be every fortnight but more than once a quarter.
Baz: Deal.
Dev: Deal.