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Andrew doesn’t like when Neil lies to him, not even by omission. He knows his stupid rabbit like the back of his hand, and he knows when he’s hiding something. Right now, Neil Josten is hiding something from him and he’s going to get it out of him.
Neil is sat on the couch in their crappy shared apartment, a soft blanket draped over him and thumb in his mouth. His teeth are piercing the skin, biting and pulling at the nail and skin. Andrew pulls his hand away from him mouth, startling the other boy. Neil looks at him with those stupid wide eyes, the same eyes that always make Andrew feel seen, like really seen. His lips are parted but no words come out.
“You’re going to make yourself bleed, junkie. Stop biting your fingers.”
There it is again. Andrew notices something is off when Neil lowers his gaze and mumbles out an apology. His voice doesn’t sound like him, it’s softer. He sounds smaller. Andrew hates it. He hates it and he hates Neil because he fucking loves him. Neil looks vulnerable like this and all Andrew can think about is the horrible people in his life who left his boy covered in scars.
Neil is still curled into himself, the distance between them is making Andrew feel on edge. Usually by now the rabbit is asking him if it’s okay to cuddle, to touch, to something. The distance is starting to feel personal. Neil has never treated Andrew like something fragile, he’s never let Andrew’s trauma or dislike of touch stop him from showing some type of affection. A glance his way, a smile, gentle brushing of hands, there’s always something to show Andrew he’s still interested.
“What’s going on with you? You’re acting like you’re hiding something. You might as well tell me. We both know if you don’t I’ll find out anyway.”
Neil bites on his lip, eyes moving back and forth like he’s thinking. Andrew hates when he thinks. Neil is always lost in his own thoughts, overthinking every little detail.
“Sorry I just…” Neil’s voice sounds strained, like he’s holding back tears. “I don’t know how to explain it to you. I’m not trying to be distant I just know that if we get comfortable I’m going to get too comfortable.”
Andrew quirks an eyebrow at him. He didn’t know being comfortable was an issue.
“No not like I don’t want to be comfortable with you. I don’t know how to explain this, Drew. It’s something that happens to me and honestly it’s weird, okay? I don’t..can we just drop it?”
No, no they cannot. This obviously bothering him and now it’s bothering Andrew.
“Junkie.” He says the word harshly, a warning. He hates the way his stomach sinks when Neil flinches.
“Fuck okay. Sometimes I feel small, okay?” Neil is still avoiding looking at him.
“I make you feel small?” Neil curses under his breath hearing Andrew say that. He thinks small is a degrading term. It’s not.
“No, not small. I feel small, like a kid. And I can’t always control it, sometimes I just…slip into this space. Bee says it’s called regression, something to do with trauma and not having a safe childhood. I don’t know. It’s just this weird thing that happens sometimes and it’s not important.” Neil’s face is blistering red by the end of his little rant.
Andrew isn’t sure he fully understands it, but he knows it’s something he needs to learn about. For now he turns his attention back to the tv, not saying anything when Neil’s feet press against his thigh. It isn’t until he hears Neil’s soft snoring that he pulls out his phone and starts doing research on whatever the hell age regression is.
Andrew actually learns alot. He glances to Neil’s sleeping face, his own face slipping from its usual stoicness. He doesn’t fully understand it still, but he’s extremely fond of the auburn haired menace. If this is what Neil needs to feel safe, to cope with all the bullshit he was dealt, then fine. It’s harmless, it hurts nobody.
The next time Andrew sees Neil regress is by accident. He gets home after him, silently slipping in through the door and he’s met with the sight of his boyfriend on the floor, curled in a blanket and thumb in his mouth. He’s sitting too close to the tv and doesn’t even notice Andrew watching him. On the floor around him is a coloring book and scattered crayons.
Andrew takes a breath and steps closer. He can do this, he can be soft. He walks quietly over to the other, trying his best not to spook him. He squats down next to him, pressing his finger to Neil’s temple. The other looks at him with wide eyes, Andrew can see the conflicting emotions going through them.
“Don’t sit so close to the tv. It’s bad for your eyes, bunny.” Andrew’s eyes drift to the colorings on the floor. “Did you color some pretty pictures for me?”
Neil’s eyes quickly look towards the messily colored pictures on the floor. Andrew is already picking them up and scanning through them. Neil watches him nervously, not familiar with this. He’s never been small around somebody else, it feels new and confusing.
“These are really good, bunny. Do you want to put them on the fridge?” Andrew is trying, he’s really trying. He’s keeping his voice calm and soft, or as soft as he can.
He doesn’t miss the way Neil’s eyes light up and the corners of his mouth turn up. He nods excitedly. It makes something in Andrew’s chest twinge.
“Have you eaten yet, bubs? I can make us something simple, chicken tenders and Mac and cheese?” Andrew surprises himself with how naturally he falls into the role. Taking care of Neil like this doesn’t feel like a chore or even hard to do. It’s so easy to just not hurt him, it makes his teeth grit together.
It’s so easy to not him. So easy to not cut him or press an iron against his skin. It’s so easy to admire his colorings, to let him watch cartoons, to let him be a kid. How was it so hard for everyone to not hurt him? He hates them. He fucking hates them.
Neil nods, Andrew notices the way he doesn’t speak. He assumes regressing might make him non verbal. He wonders if that’s because he had to be quiet as a kid. He makes a mental note to ask Neil about it when’s he’s big again.
For now Andrew just smiles and ruffles his hair before letting him get back to his cartoons. He gathers up the colorings and crayons, hanging some on the fridge and tucking the rest away somewhere safe. He makes them food, it’s nothing fancy but Neil devours it like it’s a five course meal. Andrew rests a hand on his chin, watching in fascination the way he happily kicks his feet and shovels down the food.
“Slow down, bunny. You’re going to choke.”
Neil looks at Andrew again, those damn eyes still so wide. Andrew hates the way he recognizes that look. It’s the look of a scared kid who isn’t sure if they’re going to get a next meal, who isn’t sure if somebody’s hand is going come crashing down across their face. Andrew isn’t one for emotions, but he can recognize what Neil needs right now. So he lets his mask slip, he smiles and presses two fingers to Neil’s forehead.
Neil seems to relax. He finishes his plate and Andrew takes it away before sitting on the couch again. He keeps his distance from the other boy, not sure how well little Neil does with touch and if he can even answer his usual yes or no.
He’s watching the tv when he feels eyes boring into the side of his head. He turns to look at him, sending him another soft smile. It feels strange but the way Neil relaxes and smiles back makes it worth it.
“Can I hold your hand?” It’s soft, barely a whisper and Andrew almost misses it under the noise of the tv.
“Yes.” Andrew holds out his hand, a shiver going down his spine when Neil intertwines their fingers.
“Thank you, for taking care of me.”
“Don’t mention it, bunny. You’re actually really easy to take care of.”
And for the first time in his life, Neil actually does feel taken care of. He doesn’t feel like a burden or hard to love, he’s not waiting for an inevitable punishment or screaming. He’s got cartoons on the tv, his colorings on the fridge, and Andrew right next next him, rubbing circles on his hand with his thumb. Neil can’t help himself from smiling as he finally relaxes.
He feels safe. Andrew makes him feel safe. And for now that’s enough.