Chapter Text
“Bye,” TK replied, not able to even look at his husband at the risk of being betrayed by the typhoon of his emotions. He was drowning, he knew the feeling well, choked on words he wanted to say and couldn’t say and would regret saying and the one person who has been his anchor for so many years is suddenly the one keeping him submerged.
He heard Carlos pause, maybe a sigh or stammer escaped his mouth before Carlos turned to their bedroom to change into his work clothes. TK wasn’t sure if it was minutes, seconds, or hours that passed before Carlos returned to the main area and snatched his breakfast off the kitchen counter before leaving.
With a slam of the door, TK was alone. Really, truly alone. No lunch plans, no promises to check in during the day. No “I love you”.
TK leaned forward, his palms digging into his eyes to give any semblance of pressure. Maybe pain? Something, anything other than the feeling he currently felt.
As one hand moved to tug at his hair, TK reminded himself why they were having this fight.
Jonah. His brother needed him.
Pure adrenaline alone shook TK’s hands in a desperate attempt to release his anxiety as he forced his attention back to the laptop and the stack of papers on the living room table. Adoption resources, parenting classes, local daycares and other child services. Somewhere buried under the legal forms is the “Idiot’s Guide to Raising a Child” TK impulse bought.
He had to do this. He had to. His baby brother needed this.
He thought back to Jonah, sitting at the other side of the visiting room in the prison while TK talked to Enzo; talked about sending Jonah to an out-of-country boarding school that would starve Jonah of love and leave him isolated.
At that moment, TK didn’t see Jonah, 3 years old and innocently playing with his doll. He saw a 7-year old Jonah who felt abandoned. Who asked questions about his family and why no one bothered to love him enough to stay. He saw a 15-year old Jonah falling into the wrong crowd and making terrible life decisions that would haunt him for years, centuries, because no one was there to help him correct his mistakes and learn the lessons needed.
TK blinked tears from his eyes. He had to do something. He had to. If anyone would understand, he swore Carlos would. Carlos, who poured hundreds of hours of their time as a couple into solving his father’s murder. Who had to be forced into therapy just to talk to someone, let alone TK, about how exhausted he was. Who-
TK turned to the cardboard box, the gift he received for their 1-year anniversary. Its lid was open and waiting for Carlos to return to deposit his paperwork and case files, a promise Carlos has upheld every evening since making it.
“You know, ever since we’ve started therapy I’ve been working on being more present as a husband.”
Carlos had. And TK knew it. There’s no world in which TK could deny that fact.
TK’s gaze shifted to his set-up. The laptop. Papers everywhere in a chaotically organized stack of piles. It was just like…
Jonah is family. Just like…
Oh.
TK slumped. His head hit the back of the couch as his realization washed over him. Suddenly, it made sense. Carlos, this morning, felt how TK has felt for the past year, and instead of empathy or understanding, TK met him with accusations and anger.
“I fucked up,” TK mumbled to himself, a confessional to whatever divine forces above who were likely laughing at him for taking the best thing in his life and trampling it. His instinct was to reach for his phone, to talk to Carlos now , but this was not a conversation to have over the phone. TK needed to look into Carlos’ eyes, needed Carlos to look into his eyes and see TK’s apology.
TK wouldn’t apologize for wanting to adopt Jonah. He couldn’t. He still wants to and every inch of him is screaming to get back into reading the reviews of these adoption attorneys, but he will apologize for not realizing the impact that the actions had on his partner. His husband. His soulmate.
He was better than this. They were better than this.
A crime scene was not the place to have that conversation, TK told himself, as he relayed Campbell’s vitals to Nancy. His thoughts reeled with anxieties and worries before he heard Nancy reply to someone with, “I feel like that’s a question for your husband.”
TK perked up at that word. Carlos is his husband, and he’s Carlos’.
“TK?”
“Yeah.” Whatever Carlos needed, TK was there. Carlos tilted his head towards the door, clearly looking for a private conversation. Like so many times before, Carlos leads, and TK follows.
Not a moment after they entered had Carlos turned on his heel. “How are you doing?”
And in different circumstances, TK would have laughed, because it is so Carlos to start with that, given everything. “I’m not the one that was just in a shoot-out.” TK gave him a once-over. “How are you?”
No visible injuries does not mean no injuries, after all, and TK would be a terrible paramedic to assume. TK also hoped the question can maybe address the tension seeping between them.
“I’m fine,” Carlos replied. TK knows it's Carlos’ auto-pilot, a deflection, and if there wasn’t something else Carlos clearly wanted to talk about TK would push him to be more open. “Hey, I don’t like how we left things back at the loft.”
“You’re the one that left, Carlos,” TK responded matter-of-factly, and yes, it was a glib response because of TK’s racing heart and his pounding anxieties but he also wanted to make it clear to Carlos that TK wasn't running. Not this time. “And I’m not gonna back down, okay? That’s my little brother.”
But -
But TK understood Carlos’ pain. But TK empathized with how the situation wasn’t fair to Carlos because he didn’t come to him first. But he wanted to figure it out together. With his partner, his soulmate. But-
TK opened his mouth, words on the tip of his tongue, and watched as Carlos’ brows raised in confusion, his sight moved past TK to something in the room behind him.
And TK deflated. “Carlos?”
Where the conversation would have led is unknown as Carlos moved past TK, tunneled in on the blood dripping from the attic above. TK didn’t find another opportunity to bring it up amidst the flurry of the ensuing investigation before he and Nancy got in the ambulance and hauled themselves back to the fire station.