Chapter Text
SAM: RED ALERT STEVE MET A BOY
CLINT: hey get it rogers!!!
TONY: He isnt in this chat moron
CLINT: stfu. and actually pics or it didnt happen
NATASHA: What do you mean by met a boy?
SAM: I’m talking a meet cute, ok? It’s happening as we speak. He’s smiling so hard, and it’s like I don’t exist. I’m so happy.
TONY: Wow ok masochist
SAM: Ha ha ha. Here’s the pic: [Picture: Steve and a dark haired man cleaning coffee from all over the table. A little girl who looks like the other man stands in the background, not far from the dark haired man. Steve is smiling widely, as is the dark haired man.]
NATASHA: I need a name.
SAM: I don’t wanna butt in when they’re fantasizing about the life they could have with each other.
TONY: Whos the kid
SAM: Idk but she just walked up to me and said “is my brother gonna marry your friend” I’m dying
CLINT: AWWWWWW [heart eyes emoji]
NATASHA: He can’t marry anyone until I’ve been given a FULL NAME
TONY: Christ nat calm your spy down. she’s getting rabid.
NATASHA: Tony I will find every joint piece in every suit you’ve ever made and hide them over the 7 continents so well, even I won’t know where they are.
NATASHA: And to be clear, I need a full name so I can make sure this guy isn’t HYDRA.
NATASHA: DUH
CLINT: dafuq else did u think she needed it for
TONY: Ok listen assholes i house you so leave me alone or youre evicted
SAM: ANYWAY he says his name is James Barnes but he goes by Bucky. You know what he looks like Nat
CLINT: go get em tiger
NATASHA: Sergeant James Buchanan Barnes, child of Winifred and George Barnes, 3 siblings named Rebecca, Joey and Marie, ex-Spec Ops, trained in sniping and stealth, lost an arm in the line of duty, has custody of his father’s love child, etc.
NATASHA: He’s clean, I’d say. I want to meet him.
TONY: Omfg it’s not like theyre actually getting married. they just met. cool it, spyssassin.
CLINT: but hes hot
TONY: Ok and
CLINT: what if they have babies together
TONY: Clint what the fuck
SAM: They would have the cutest babies
NATASHA: They would. I want to be Aunt Nat to their kids.
TONY: THEY JUST MET
SAM: Ok but they’re smitten. I can see it. Steve hasn’t looked at me in ten minutes. I have literally never seen him this happy in real life. He’s got the same smile as he does in the Smithsonian!
TONY: Wait what
NATASHA: I want pics, now, Wilson
CLINT: IT’S MEANT TO BEEEEEEEEEEE
CLINT: I NEED TO SQUEE WITH SOMEONE WHICH ONE OF U IS CLOSEST TO THE VENTS IN THE DEN
TONY: GET OUT OF MY VENTS
CLINT: NEVER
SAM: [Picture: Steve and James are staring at each other, while the younger girl is in the corner of the picture, covering her mouth and looking like she’s giggling. Steve is smiling even wider than in the last picture.]
SAM: Anyway, I’ve spoken to the girl - her name is Dani - and she says she is willing to play matchmaker. I’ve slipped her a paper with Steve’s # on it in case he chickens out.
NATASHA: How old is she?
SAM: She hasn’t said, but I’d say 11 or 12.
CLINT: damn ok. caps going for the single parent type.
CLINT: im down with helping if u guys r
TONY: THEY
TONY: JUST
TONY: MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET
CLINT: ok and
TONY: MOVE OUT THIS INSTANT
CLINT: [sunglasses emoji] no
NATASHA: Girls girls you’re both pretty
SAM: UPDATE COMING IN 0.002 SECONDS
SAM: He has realized that I’m alive after Dani got impatient and said they had a class to get to, that they were gonna be late to
NATASHA: He teaches a class for parents and their kids about dancing and a class for all ages all genders self defense
SAM: Good, he’ll probably be tracked down by HYDRA and he’ll be able to defend himself
SAM: But back on track, they exchanged numbers and then Barneses left. Steve is staring at me like he knows I’m gossiping.
SAM: Oh god no he does know. ABORT ABORT HES GIVIN ME THE DISAPPOINTED LOOK I CANT
CLINT: GOODBYE SAM IT WAS NICE KNOWING U
LATER
TONY: Sam are you alive
SAM: He’s made me run FIFTEEN MILES!!!!!!!!!!!
SAM: This isn’t Sam, this is his ghost cuz he’s freaking D E A D
NATASHA: Aw, poor baby. You brought this upon yourself by the gossiping that you’re well aware he doesn’t like.
CLINT: wtf r u talking about nat u hate running 10 and LET THE MAN DO WHAT HE WANTS
CLINT: this is a free country, Natasha, get with the times
NATASHA: I’m unimpressed
SAM: GYUS HELP HES NTO DOEN GUHGUGHGUGHGGHUHG
CLINT: RIP SAM WILSON HE DEAD
SAM: [dead person emoji] MUHAHAHAHAHAHA - Steve
TONY: GODDAMMIT STEVE