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“So,” Eddie asks eventually as he turns to face Buck on the couch beside him. “What happened?”
Buck sighs in response, his head falling to rest on the back of the couch. “Tommy broke up with me.”
“He what?” Eddie asks, confused beyond belief. “How did that—”
Buck doesn’t let him finish, instead barreling on into what seems to be a pre-prepared rant.
“Long story short, I asked him to move in with me. He said no, obviously,” Buck points out as he swallows another mouthful of his beer, “and then he said something about being my first boyfriend, not my last. And then he left, after making sure to clarify that we were breaking up.”
Eddie genuinely has no idea what he’s supposed to say right now.
“I don’t know why I’m so surprised,” Buck continues, letting Eddie off the hook for now. “This always happens. I’m always rushing everything; always throwing myself in head first and letting myself believe they’re gonna love me back, and—”
“You loved him?” Eddie blurts out, absolutely dreading the answer for reasons he doesn’t fully understand right now. “I didn’t think…”
He trails off, and Buck’s brow furrows. “I—I suppose not?”
“I don’t think you loved him,” Eddie says, and he hopes Buck can’t hear the relief in his voice.
Relief that he can barely comprehend, because why does it matter so much that Buck didn’t love Tommy? It shouldn’t matter to him.
Buck’s voice drags him out of his thoughts as he admits, his voice unreadable, “No, I didn’t love him.”
“Good,” Eddie says instinctively, wincing as he regrets his words instantly.
Buck gives him an odd look, and Eddie diverts his eyes to anywhere that’s not Buck.
He takes a sip of his beer as they proceed to sit in silence once more.
*
“Do you think I’m unloveable?” Buck asks, some time later. “Not like—not to my friends and family—but, when it comes to relationships? Is there something about me that’s inherently—”
“Shut up.”
It takes Eddie a second to realise he’s the one who just spoke.
Fuck.
He takes a deep breath as Buck continues to gape at him.
“You’re loveable,” he says firmly, turning to make eye contact with Buck. “You’re the most loveable person I know. You’re… inherently loveable, to steal your own words. You’re so generous with your own love, making sure everyone around you knows how important they are to you. It’s everything I—it’s everything anybody wants in a partner. And if anyone thinks otherwise then they’re an idiot and they don’t deserve to have you.”
Buck exhales, his breath ragged. He stares into Eddie’s eyes as he asks, breathlessly, “You really think so?”
And Eddie’s not entirely sure what’s going on—whether it’s the beer or the emotional release he’s had tonight—but something in his stomach has him feeling almost nervous. Almost like—butterflies? Yeah, like someone’s released a few dozen butterflies in his intestines for the sole purpose of unsettling him tonight.
He’s not supposed to get butterflies.
He’s a grown man.
He’s straight.
He shouldn’t be getting butterflies because his best friend is looking at him with his gorgeous blue eyes and—
Eddie looks away immediately, clearing his throat. ‘Yeah, ‘course I really think so.”
Buck doesn’t respond, and Eddie resists the urge to sigh in relief.
*
“Where are your pants?” Buck asks rather suddenly some time later, staring down at Eddie’s bare legs as if this is the first time he’s noticing.
“Uhhh,” Eddie stalls, not entirely sure how to explain.
“Why don’t you…” Buck trails off, tilting his head to the side. “Seriously man, why don’t you have pants on?”
God, is there going to be a single easy question to answer tonight?
Probably not.
“I was dancing,” Eddie blurts out, sighing as he sees the immediate amusement on Buck’s face. “Just… shut up. Father Brian told me to—”
“Father who?” Buck interjects, almost spilling his beer as he sits up. “You’ve been talking to a priest? Why didn’t you tell me?”
Eddie shrugs.
“I don’t know,” he admits. “I guess I didn’t think it was all that helpful. And it wasn’t, really. Not until I ran into Father Brian when I was at a juice bar today. That’s when he actually had some good advice—after we got past the whole me thinking he was hitting on me thing, I mean—and—”
“What?” Buck gapes at him again. “The priest was hitting on you?”
“No, no,” Eddie rushes to clarify. “I misunderstood the situation. He recognised me from confession, that’s all. I told him I was straight and he said it was fine because he was celibate—which was admittedly pretty funny—and then he moved on to giving me some surprisingly helpful advice.”
“He told you to dance?” Buck asks, sounding rather confused. “In your underwear?”
“What? No!” Eddie huffs out a laugh. “He told me to do something frivolous and fun—something that expressed pure joy—so I did.”
“And it actually helped?”
Eddie laughs again, feeling lighter than he has in months.
“It did,” he admits. “I danced in my underwear, and it was like I could feel a physical weight start to lift.”
“Well, that’s really good, Eds,” Buck says softly. “I’m glad it helped.”
Eddie nods, looking over at Buck again.
He looks at the way Buck’s smiling at him—the first smile he’s seen all night—and there’s those goddamn butterflies again.
“And then you showed up at my door,” Eddie finds himself saying, maintaining eye contact no matter how much he wants to look away. “And I felt a little more of that weight start to lift.”
Buck looks surprised. “Because of me?”
Eddie hums his agreement, finally looking away as he flops back onto the couch and closes his eyes.
He can feel the alcohol in his system—he’s not drunk, not even close—but he gives in to the slight effect it’s having on him because he needs an excuse to say what he’s about to say.
“You always make me feel better,” Eddie whispers, almost to himself. “I—”
He cuts himself off this time, mouth snapping shut as he suddenly regrets his choice.
He’s confused—that’s for sure—but he thinks he might be starting to figure a few things out.
He turns to look at Buck, and finds him staring back with a strange look on his face.
“I’m very confused,” Eddie finds himself saying, rather honestly. “Because you give me butterflies, and I’m not sure what to do with that.”
Truly, he has no idea what he’s supposed to do with—
“Are you sure it’s not the alcohol?” Buck blurts out, looking immediately like he wishes he would have swallowed the words instead.
And Eddie snorts.
“No, it’s you,” he admits, smiling to himself because he’s pretty sure he’s finally figured out what the hell’s been going on with himself tonight. “And while it’s not the best timing—a sexuality crisis is probably the last thing I need to be dealing with right now—I can’t ignore it. That wouldn’t be fair to myself.”
He really doesn’t think he can hit the brakes now that he’s had his little realisation. He’s not sure he really wants to, considering it feels a little like a puzzle piece he didn’t know was missing has finally slotted itself into place.
And yeah, it’s really not the best timing, but it’s out there now.
“I feel like you should be more freaked out right now,” Buck eventually says, pulling Eddie from his thoughts.
“Oh, that would be the alcohol for sure,” he concedes, chuckling quietly to himself. “Most definitely dulling the panic.”
Eddie stares, watching as Buck avoids his eyes by looking around at literally anything else in the room.
He takes a chance and reaches out for Buck’s hand, entwining their fingers and tugging Buck’s hand over to rest on his thigh; and Buck’s breathing stutters, eyes darting down to take in the same sight that has Eddie’s eyes transfixed.
“What are you doing?” Buck asks breathlessly.
Eddie shrugs. “Things that make me feel joy, apparently.”
Buck’s fingers twitch minutely, tightening his grip for a split second.
“Eddie, I—”
“I know,” Eddie says softly. “The timing really is incredibly bad. Tommy just broke up with you, and I’m definitely still a mess; and if you want me to stop you only need to say the words and I will, but—”
“I don’t care,” Buck breathes out, looking a little surprised at his own words. “I really don’t care about the timing. Holy shit. If you’re—if you’re serious—I’m in. We don’t need to rush, you can take as much time as you need to figure out what you want this to be. But whether you end up deciding you want us to stay just friends or whether you want this to be more, I’ll wait while you figure it out.”
Eddie doesn’t think it’s going to take him all that long, if he’s honest.
“And what if I want both?” he ends up asking, eyes lifting to meet Buck’s own. “You’re my best friend, and I don’t want that to change, but maybe we can take it slow when it comes to the rest?”
A smile tugs at the corner of Buck’s mouth. “I think I could be amenable to that.”
“Ooh, bringing the big words out,” Eddie teases, feeling his cheeks flush.
He shifts, attempting to get more comfortable but because he’s unwilling to let go of Buck’s hand he slips, and—
“Oof,” Buck grunts, as Eddie yanks him forward slightly. “What the hell are you doing?”
“I don’t, uh—nothing, you know?” Eddie flushes even more so. “I lost my balance, that’s all.”
“Mhmm, sure. You probably lost your balance because you’re still holding my hand,” Buck points out, lifting their hands up into the air between them. “See?”
“Yeah,” Eddie says distractedly, staring at their hands again. “I see that.” Another pause. “I didn’t want to let go.”
“Oh,” Buck breathes out. “That’s… really sweet, actually.”
Eddie looks at Buck, and he’s got a little red on his own cheeks now. It’s nice to know he’s not the only one affected by all of this.
He glances down at Buck’s lips—soft and full in the dimmed lighting—and he wants. He hasn’t wanted anything this much in a long time, if he’s honest, and he thinks he owes himself to try.
“Can I…?” he asks softly, hoping Buck can read between the lines.
And of course he does, because when can Buck not read his mind?
Buck nods, but makes no attempt to move closer, and Eddie resists the urge to roll his eyes. Apparently he’s going to have to do everything around here tonight.
“Come here,” he whispers, tugging at Buck’s hand much gentler this time. “You’re too far away.”
Buck moves then, shifting hesitantly, and as soon as he’s within reach—
Eddie kisses him.
And it feels right.
The kiss is slow and startlingly sweet, and Eddie’s pretty sure he can hear his heart pounding in his own chest.
He’s completely at a loss as to why they’ve never done this before—never thought, hey, maybe there’s something here between us—but he wouldn’t trade this moment for anything.
He wants to drown in Buck, to let himself be swallowed up whole by his comforting warmth and his everlasting goodness.
He wants to hold Buck close.
Or better yet, be held by him.
He thinks that might be kinda perfect, actually. And fuck it, he’s still got enough alcohol in his system to give him a little liquid courage, even if it’s not quite dulling the panic as easily as it was a few minutes ago. He needs to do this now, before he loses his nerve.
He breaks the kiss slowly, pulling back so as to look Buck in the eyes again.
Buck looks as affected by the kiss as he does, and Eddie resists the urge to do a celebratory dance.
Now’s not the time.
He has a reason for ending what he can only describe as a perfect first kiss, after all.
“I want to take you to bed,” Eddie forces himself to say despite his nerves. “Right now please.”
And Eddie thinks he’s pulled it off rather well, until Buck finally responds after a moment of apparent shock.
“What?” Buck asks, wide-eyed as he looks at Eddie. “You want to—Eddie, you literally just said you wanted to take this slow, and now you’re—”
Oh.
Oh, no.
“To sleep!” Eddie rushes to say, cutting Buck off. “I was not suggesting we—you know. Jesus christ, I’m really fucking this up.”
And now Buck’s laughing at him, because of course he is.
Eddie frowns, attempting to tug his hand away, but Buck only holds on tighter.
“Hey, stop it,” Buck says through his laughter. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to laugh, you’re just so…”
“I’m so what?” Eddie asks, finally giving up on his attempts to escape the situation physically. “Ridiculous?”
“Adorable,” Buck responds, a soft smile settling on his face. “You’re adorable, and of course we can go to bed. If you’re sure you’re—”
“I’m sure,” Eddie insists, standing and tugging Buck to his feet also. “Come on. You can be the big spoon.”
He says it as if he’s being generous, but judging by the soft laughter that escapes Buck he’s not as subtle as he thinks he is.
*
Turns out the subtlety doesn’t matter one bit.
Buck’s more than happy to follow Eddie into bed after they both add and remove the necessary clothing so as to leave themselves in comfortable sleeping attire.
They make themselves comfortable—shifting towards one another and meeting in the middle of the bed with zero hesitation—and Buck wraps Eddie up tight in his arms as requested.
Eddie’s never felt so safe in his entire life.
He reaches for Buck’s hand where it’s settled on his waist, and holds it tight within his own as he cradles it to his chest.
He closes his eyes, a soft smile forming on his face as Buck shuffles in closer behind him and blankets him with his love and support.
It’s the first time he’s genuinely believed everything’s going to be okay eventually.
It’s just what he needed tonight.
It’s perfect.