Chapter Text
Jamal’s problems started when he first laid eyes upon Florian Wirtz in 2019. A lot of people wouldn’t know that they first met, or at least were in the same space, back when Jamal was playing for the English U17. But Jamal did. He would never forget the day he first met Florian.
He was 16, Florian was too, and Jamal remembered feeling scared, anxious, and unsure of his place in the team and of where his career would take him. He also remembered thinking that Florian looks like he has it all together, all sure of himself. He both envied him and idolized him.
Now they’re all grown up, and Jamal has gotten to know Florian. Even calls him ‘Flo’. Because he can do that now. Flo even transferred to Bayern last season, and he’s really happy to have him closer. He still kind of envies him, still thinks he seems cool, calm, and collected. The idolization however, has become something else entirely. Something he’s kind of scared to touch, to mention.
Which leads him to where he is now, tossing and turning in bed, unable to get his mind to stop running haywire and to calm down. After training he’s usually able to get to sleep relatively easily, but because of Kompany and his grueling tactical training, he’s finding it harder and harder every night to fall asleep. At least, that’s what he tries to tell himself.
Jamal is not a person who shies away from his emotions. Both his mother and his father taught him to be open with his feelings, to tell them how he’s feeling. He came out to them as bisexual when he was 15 and they were nothing but loving. He also has a sister who would literally never let him keep something hidden from her, so he has no problem showing or feeling emotion. He has no problem hugging a friend, kissing them on the cheek, telling them he loves them, and so on. God knows him and Leroy are attached at the hip.
Confronting his feelings for Flo however, is something he has a lot of problems with.
After turning over and switching positions for what felt like the 200th time, Jamal finally lets up and reaches over for his phone on the nightstand. His lockscreen lights up with a picture of Flo he took a week ago when they (attempted) to make sourdough starter. Flo had gotten a bunch of flour all over his face, and Jamal just had to take a photo. The photo stared back in Jamal's face, as if mocking him. He remembers the night in perfect detail.
"How the fuck did you get all of that on your face?” Jamal gasped through bouts of laughter. Florian looked incredibly upset at Jamals laughter, he didn’t think this was very funny at all.
“I don’t know, dude! I guess I had a bunch of flour on my hand when I wiped my face and- can you stop?” Florian asked incredulously, while Jamal was holding on to the counter for dear life.
When Jamal’s laughter fizzled out into giggles and he had wiped away the tears that had collected in the corners of his eyes, he looked towards Florian only to find him already looking back at him with a tiny smile tugging at his lips. His eyes were so bright they looked as if they were filled with stars. Jamal practically got whiplash from how quickly his emotions went 180. He gulped and quickly looked away, his heart hammering inside his chest. God , how quickly had Florian nestled himself right inside his heart?
Jamal cleared his throat and choked out, “you do know how long this is gonna take, right?”
“Hmm?” was Florians only response.
“Like, a sourdough starter takes like a week to make. And you can’t, like, use it immediately, you’ve gotta let it sit for a while, a few days, and then you can use it. And even after that you shouldn’t use all of it, you gotta use maybe half and then you have to ‘feed it’ for the rest of time.” Jamal was rambling, the words tumbling out without stopping, and when would it stop feeling like his heart was gonna beat out of his chest?
“Feed it?” Florian asked, making a face. “What do you mean, feed it?”
“I don’t know man, I’ve heard people talk about it on Tiktok.”
“Great source.” Florian laughed, “we gotta feed it for the rest of time?”
“I mean yeah, if we wanna keep using it. Realistically, we could make sourdough outta this bad boy forever.” He emphasized “bad boy” by slapping the dough, but it stuck to his fingers and he struggled to get the slimy dough off.
He heard Florian softly laugh at his misfortune. Jamal wished he could collect the stars in Florians eyes and the sound of his laughter inside a jar so he could keep it with him forever.
“That means we have to stick together forever. You and me. Can’t let our precious creation go to waste, can we?” Florian said, gazing at Jamal then down at the dough.
Sound started roaring inside Jamals ears and he felt as though he couldn’t breathe. How can Florian just say stuff like that? How can he say stuff like that when it doesn’t mean the same thing to him as it does Jamal? Talking about sticking together forever. “You and me”, he had said, as if there was ever going to be anyone else.
Jamal puts down the phone and rubs his eyes, as if it’s going to erase the picture of Flo burned behind his eyelids.
He truly doesn’t know when he started feeling like this, when the feelings of camaraderie turned into something more like love. And yeah, maybe love is a big word, but Jamal is a big boy with big boy feelings, specifically big boy love feelings for Flo.
It had crept up on him, like a lion hunting a gazelle, when finally one day it had smacked him over the back of the head and torn him to shreds. He was powerless in the face of love. The sun fell across Florians face in a particular way and it hit him smack in the head. A real oh moment when he realized. He remembered having completely lost track of the conversation they were having with Manuel, having to focus on his now jumbled thoughts and labored breathing, and what had brought him back to the present was Florian grabbing his arm and asking him if he was okay. He glanced towards Manuel, who looked at him with great concern, then to Florians hand wrapped around his bicep. The skin where Florian was touching him was burning and the look in Florians eyes when he finally looked at him again was too much for him. Jamal had squeaked out an “yep, I’m fine!” and had bolted out of there at breakneck speeds. Embarrassing, really.
Again, Jamal didn’t have a problem with feeling emotions. He was actually more than happy to be in love with Flo. Flo was an amazing person, truly beautiful both on the inside and outside. Jamal liked being in love. It’s part of the human experience!
It’s just that Florian decidedly was not in love with Jamal. He was also very heterosexual. Adding on top of that, they’re footballers. Professional footballers. Male footballers are not allowed to be gay, much less be dating each other. They’re coworkers , for crying out loud! There were obviously no rules against dating your fellow footballer, or being gay, take a look at the women's teams, but the homophobic abuse that would be hurled your way would break anyone. Jamal doesn’t think he would be able to handle it.
But all of that is purely hypothetical, based on the presumption that Florian would be both romantically interested in him and interested in dating him, which just isn’t true. And that is the fact that makes Jamal’s eyes sting.
Jamal loves being in love with Flo, but that doesn’t mean his heart loves it. With every hangout, every hug, every celebration dedicated to one another, another piece of his heart breaks off. For as much as Jamal loves it, he hates it.
He especially hates it whenever he and Flo go out, and he has to watch Flo flirt with random girls. Watch him buy them drinks, dance with them, kiss them, and maybe even go home with them. Hates it when Florian shows up the next day at training with a glow to his skin, bruises on his neck, and a smile on his lips. Jamal wants to both kiss and punch the smile off his face.
Jamal is so deep in his thoughts he doesn’t notice the tears escaping the corners of his eyes. He feels sort of stupid for his entire predicament, but he can’t blame anyone but himself for falling in love with his very straight best friend. He has also successfully tired himself out. He turns over, hugging a pillow to his chest, and doesn’t even pretend like he isn’t imagining it’s Florian instead. He falls asleep with the image of Florian in his arms.