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“You love freedom but I love you more(...)
I miss you saying you love me
I miss you staring into my eyes.”
- Long Distance, G.E.M
There was a before Sung Hanbin, during Sung Hanbin and there will be an after Sung Hanbin. Zhang Hao is living in the during, wishing it was over. Yet he still clings to him desperately.
Hanbin is everything an idol should be and none of the things a lover ought to turn into. His devotion is his backbone, is his strength, is his Achilles heel. It’ll be his undoing, Hao thinks as he watches the sight of his back. A back, which used to be all-encompassing, broad and sturdy. He’s become a skinny, ghostly thing over the course of a year and Hao can’t do anything about it.
Hanbin smiles, bright and kind, and it’s even believable. Sometimes.
He’s kind and self-sacrificing and he never lets Hao look at his face when they have sex. They used to kiss and giggle into it and have fun with it, but then Hanbin started averting his head and Hao knew it was over before it could even begin. Hanbin would arch his back prettily and even let Hao hold his hand sometimes, squeeze it tight, but that was the extent of it. It still feels good because Hao is in love with him or he thinks he’s in love with him, but it’s no longer easy, a respite. It’s become quick and mechanical and Hao’s not even sure if Hanbin’s really enjoying it anymore. He sweats profusely and the back of his neck turns pink, and whiny noises make it past his lips, though muffled by the pillow, but that’s it.
When it’s over Hanbin puts on his clothes almost in a hurry and disappears through the door like he was never there to begin with.
During the day he acts like he always does – a stern teacher, a good hyung, a perfect leader. He plays around with all of them, holds Hao by the waist and poses coyly for the camera. It makes the unease in Hao’s chest settle because he knows this game and its rules. A fan asks them for a TMI and Hao tells them about his and Hanbin’s late night walks(which haven’t happened in months) and about their sleeping together in the same bed(which is half-true) and about the songs that best describe their relationship(or lack thereof). Hao goes overboard with it because he knows he can get away with it. Hanbin used to love it, too, and would willingly let the world know they’re two parts of one whole, that he’s Hao’s baby. Now he smiles modestly and doesn’t bring it up himself, only says whatever the fans want to hear.
“I don’t have any condoms left.” Hao’s rummaging through his bedside drawer but besides the two empty packages that are already thrown on the bed, he can’t find another.
“There’s one in my wallet.” Hanbin says calmly with his back to Hao as always. It makes Hao take a beat. They only ever have sex at the dorms, in Hao’s room specifically. Before he can do something that’ll ruin the mood like ask Hanbin if he’s seeing anyone else, he grabs the wallet from the jeans discarded on the floor and fishes out the condom. He checks the expiration date just in case.
Hanbin is quieter than usual, barely responsive, and when Hao sneaks a hand underneath him, he can feel he’s soft. Hao wants to be gentle with him but it’s been months of whatever this is and he’s at a breaking point, so he quickly pulls out and spins Hanbin around. Face to face Hao can see the unshed tears gathering at his lash line.
“What is it, baby? Can’t even get hard anymore?” Hanbin tries to hide his face in the pillow but Hao grabs his jaw and forces him to look. “What, imagining it’s someone else is no longer enough, is that it?” Hanbin bites his lip and scrunches his face. He looks pathetic and Hao is going to be sorry for this in an hour but as soon as he sees this expression all he can feel is contempt, anger, rage.
“Come on, Hanbin-ah, tell me. Tell hyung what’s wrong.” Hanbin opens his mouth but nothing comes out. His gaze is roaming all over Hao’s face but never quite stopping at his eyes. “It’s Matthew, right baby? You strung him along and now that he’s moved on you can’t take it anymore.”
Hao makes a pouty expression like he feels sorry for Hanbin, even strokes his hair but that only serves to make the whole thing even more condescending. Hanbin’s red in the face and Hao knows the tears will fall down any minute now.
“Whose bed did you see him in this time? Gunwook’s, Gyubin’s? Or is he back to sneaking out late to Jiwoong-hyung’s apartment?”
“I didn’t see anything.” Hanbin’s voice is hoarse and ugly. It’s also pitchy in that particular way, which always gives away that he’s lying.
“Sure, you didn’t, baby.” Hao smiles meanly. “Do you think I’m stupid? Your baby doesn’t want you so you crawl back to me, but even that’s not doing it anymore. Did you finally preposition him, Hanbin-ah? And he rejected you, is that why you’re like this?” Hao lets his other hand caress Hanbin’s bare chest and watches as he twitches involuntarily.
“I didn’t.”
“No? So you haven’t even asked him but you’re acting like this? Come on, Hanbin-ah, all you have to do is tell him. Arch your back a little. Who could resist that?” Hao knows he’s not just threading but bungee-jumping into uncharted territory but he can’t help it. The longer he looks at Hanbin who still refuses to look at him the bigger the flame grows. Hao wants to burn him alive.
Finally Hanbin lets their eyes meet and as soon as the tears start flowing, Hao knows.
“But that’s not it, right baby? You don’t want casual with him. You think you’re special and you want him to treat you as such?” Hanbin, for the first time that night, tells the truth. Or, his body does. Before he can help it, almost like a knee-jerk reaction his head nods. Once his mind catches up a terrified expression overtakes his beautiful face.
“When he was ready to give you the world, you chose me. And now that he’s moved on you want him all to yourself. Isn’t that selfish, baby?” Hanbin shakes his head no and Hao laughs. “No? It’s not selfish? Because Sung Hanbin can never be selfish, isn’t that right?”
Hao lets go of his jaw but this time Hanbin doesn’t try to hide in the damp pillow underneath.
Hao sighs tiredly, ties the empty condom and puts on his clothes quickly.
“Go get washed up or your face will look awful tomorrow.” Hao tries to go for that same cold tone but his voice finally betrays him. It cracks at the end. Hao doesn’t get to see Hanbin’s reaction. He doesn’t want to see it. He just slams the door closed and walks down the hallway on wobbly legs.