Chapter Text
Jay considered himself lucky.
He grew up with two loving parents, despite the fact they weren’t his biological family, and had a somewhat warm and safe roof over his head. Although he may not have had the best childhood compared to most other children in the world - living in the middle of the Sea of Sands, far from any other people his age, and far from any schools, was difficult - he at least had more than what his friends had. It was mostly just the parent part really.
And that’s why he considered himself lucky. Because even though he didn’t have the luxury things his friends had, he was at least grateful to have two people who cared for him deeply. Two people who saw him as perfect in their eyes. His relationship with them was perfect . Too perfect.
Whenever Jay found himself thinking about how lucky he was compared to his friends, that’s the only thing he really thought about. Although he’d gotten lucky in the family department, there were still parts of his life he wished he could change. Parts of his life he realised he wasn’t lucky in at all, especially when it came to himself.
There wasn’t really anything wrong with him, of course not, but that constant sound of his parents telling him how perfect he was, how amazing and talented and funny he was, really only screwed him over in the end.
Not being around many people his age growing up meant he didn’t have those peers to tell him when he wasn’t perfect. Instead, he was thrown in at the deep end, moving in with three other boys his age that he didn’t know. He’d never met any other teenagers before. He’d never had friends before. It was a humbling experience to say the least because not only was everything his parents had told him he was perfect for were actually his fatal flaws, but he was thrown into the mix of three boys that were so much better than him.
Jay often told himself they were just different and everyone had different qualities. It didn’t necessarily mean Jay sucked.
As time went on, that little reassuring voice in the back of his mind died down.
Although Kai was hot-headed, he was caring and funny. Charm was one of his biggest characteristics too - something Jay seemed to lack. Kai was liked by everyone, including the ninja team fans, but he’d never seem to get any hate or snarky comments from anyone within the team either. He got on with everyone so well.
Zane was a walking computer, he was already perfect. And besides, changing things about himself when something was wrong was probably easy. When he joined the team, he was already kind and caring, and there was something about his physique that was so drawing. It was so simple to like Zane.
And Cole. Cole was everything Jay wasn’t .
All the things Jay thought were his best qualities ended up being his worst, and ended up being what drove everyone away. His parents always told him that his loudness, excitable body language, and unique humour were what made him so special and likeable. He stuck to that for most of his childhood. It wasn’t like he could control his naturally joyful personality. Growing up so outgoing made him feel better about meeting these three guys, thinking they’d all be so similar and that he’d be so easily likeable. Oh, how he was wrong.
None of them seemed to want to be around him at first. Zane and Cole were quiet and mostly stuck to themselves, not that it was a problem, but it definitely wasn’t what Jay had prepared himself for. They soon loosened up when Kai joined the team, but even after years and years of knowing each other - becoming a close family - none of them really seemed to enjoy Jay’s company as much as everyone else’s.
His loudness was annoying. His excitable body language was draining. His ‘unique humour’ was just unfunny and slightly embarrassing.
But in the end, it clearly became bearable. Nya seemed to enjoy his company more, but even then, it still felt like he was too much for her.
That’s probably why the love triangle happened.
“The Realm of Madness is home to evil,” Wu spoke, “It was where Garmadon thrived because of the imbalance between the forces of light and darkness.”
Jay had never known himself to be insecure. He didn’t really know what insecurity was until the events of the love triangle. It never truly occurred to him that that was what he was feeling deep down, but he never truly had reason to believe he was insecure anyway. It made sense now though.
After joining the ninja team and finally meeting other people his age, he started using the internet. It was so fascinating to someone who had always been intrigued in technology and gadgets. It didn’t seem so bad, especially when nobody really knew who he was. The love triangle only made it all worse though.
That’s when his life really did spiral and his insecurities started becoming prominent.
“It’s currently unknown who lives there for certain but it’s a possible Realm the team should explore in the future, as well as the other 14 Realms,” Wu continued.
He found himself scrolling on his phone most hours of the day. There was something so addicting to seeing what people say online. Something so scarily addicting.
Chirp was the worst.
When the media found out about the ‘ninja love scandal’, the way the ninja ‘fanbase’ had changed from a united, chatty group, to one of two teams was genuinely terrifying. It was so quick - within minutes of media articles being published.
‘Team Cole or Team Jay’ were in the caption of the next news headlines.
The fact Jay and Cole were already at each other’s throats for something that was so stupid, and private , was hard enough, but the fact the media decided to get involved and the fans started acting like they knew the full story only made it more insufferable. The fact Jay had never been popular in the first place didn’t help either.
Cole was the favourite. He always had been.
‘Enough time has passed for me to finally say that Cole was the better fit for Nya than Jay ever was.’
And even after all this time, all these years, people were still talking about it.
Jay sighed lightly, rolling his eyes as he clicked on the Chirp, expecting to see the comments full of ‘move on’ s and ‘that conversation was done years ago’ .
Every now and then, the topic would arise. Someone would stupidly tweet their dumb take, everyone would talk about it for a few hours, and then they’d move on. It never stopped until a couple hundred people Chirped about it though.
Jay pretended he never saw any of them. He and Nya never spoke about it. Cole never mentioned it after their fight at the Tournament of Elements. Part of him was glad, the last thing he wanted to do was talk about it, but at the same time it did make him wonder if they ever thought about it at all. Surely they must see the ‘Jay vs Cole’ and ‘Jaya vs Conya’ trending tabs every now and then?
Jay wished he could erase it all from existence.
A few people were backing Jay up in the comments of the Chirp. It was nice, and often brought a smile to his face, but the amount of comments agreeing with the original opinion was upsetting.
‘THANK YOU. Cole is so much stronger and seems a lot more emotionally intelligent. Why Nya ever picked Jay over that man is beyond me.’
‘I was team Cole from the beginning!! Cole and Nya would look so much better together!!’
‘Their personalities fit so much better together. Nya is like a black cat. She’s serious and she needs a serious guy to compliment her!! Not some ratty, annoying, high-pitched raccoon’
Jay knew Nya loved him. He knew she didn’t like Cole and never truly did, but those comments still hurt. They still got in his head.
The thing that pissed him off most about it was the fact he didn’t even look the same as he did back then. He was completely different. His hair was less ginger and more fluffy. His freckles were much more prominent. He’d gained a lot more weight than he was before. Yet all those comments still hurt him as if he was the same person he was back then. All those people were still acting like they knew him personally.
But to be honest, if even the ninja didn’t like him at first, did it matter if they knew him personally?
He glanced up from his phone screen briefly, his gaze meeting the love of his life sat opposite him. She looked so focused on the session Wu was teaching. If only Jay could’ve been as focused as her.
Then he took a look at the screen Wu was pointing to, showing rough sketches of what the Realm of Madness looked like. Definitely not somewhere Jay would want to go anytime soon.
So he found himself back on Chirp, refreshing his timeline, pushing the last Chirp he’d seen to the back of his mind.
But it was never that easy.
Thanks to that Chirp, the entire fanbase was talking about it.
‘What truly baffles me is how the ninja are so visually strong and then there’s just Jay. His arms are like twigs lol’
Okay. That wasn’t as bad as he’d read before.
He’d never thought about that though. Why was he so much visually weaker?
‘Jay screaming logging onto Chirp to see everyone talking about his girlfriend and best friend being together again’
‘As he should!!’
‘Nya if you see this, dump his ass!!’
He was at least thankful that it was nowhere near as bad as what people were saying back when everything really hit the fan. Although, maybe it wasn’t really that bad, but he was both going through a rough breakup and the loss of his friend. Everything seemed too much during that time.
He remembered all those Chirps back then as if they were song lyrics.
It was brutal.
Since then, the constant comparisons to Cole drove him crazy. They were two entirely different people, barely comparable at all, yet people still found something to complain about. However, the root of the conversation was always the same:
Cole was a million times better than Jay ever was or could be.
He was stronger, more mature and much better looking. Jay was nothing but weak, pathetic, childish, unfunny and ugly.
He was everything opposite to what his parents had told him when growing up.
The only thing that made it all hurt more was the fact nobody denied it, not even Jay himself. Deep down, he knew they were right. He was never complimented by anyone besides his parents. Nobody ever stood up for him when people were talking shit. He couldn’t even stand up for himself .
‘Do you think Nya still thinks about Cole and how different it would’ve been if she had chosen him instead?’
Oh.
Jay had… never thought about that.
It was evident that Nya didn’t want to be with Cole anyway but perhaps… maybe she did think about it like that sometimes?
“Jay?”
He blinked, his head snapping up to meet Wu’s gaze.
“Are you paying attention?”
“Uh-” he cleared his throat awkwardly, switching off his phone, “...yeah.”
“What did I just say?” the master stood with a hand on his hip.
Jay drew a blank.
Perhaps he really should’ve been focusing like Nya.
Everyone’s eyes were on him now, and as much as he wanted to wrack his memory in hopes of remembering anything Wu had said in the past minute, he just found his mind repeating one of the Chirp’s he’d read.
‘Do you think Nya still thinks about Cole and how different it would’ve been if she’d chosen him instead?’
But Wu was waiting on him. The whole team was waiting on him to provide an answer.
And he had nothing.
“I suggest you pay attention,” Wu told him, “does anyone want to repeat to Jay what I just said?”
“You said the best way to travel to the Realm of Madness is by traveller’s tea,” Cole chirped up from across the table.
Jay turned to face him, spotting the smug grin across his lips.
“Thank you, Cole,” Wu nodded.
But Jay just found himself staring at both Nya and Cole. The way Nya turned to look at Cole, who was sitting beside her, with a warm smile and joy to her gaze.
“At least Cole was paying attention,” she chimed.
Cole had always been better.
--✿--
Jay rarely found himself staring at his reflection. Mostly it was due to the fact he rather wouldn’t because the longer he stared, the more he saw wrong.
It’d become a bad habit of his back then. The constant comments about his body and appearance led to him standing in front of mirrors, seeing nothing but cracks. Those cracks only seemed to grow more sharp and shatter the longer he paid attention to details, details that weren’t important. The smallest things became noticeable. His acne scars had become more prominent, although hardly noticeable by anyone else. Even though everyone around him reassured him they were practically invisible, he could still see them so clearly. It appeared the internet picked up on them too.
He never had body issues. At least that’s what he told himself. He’d never tried to change how he looked because of what people were saying online - maybe that was why they didn’t stop - but that didn’t mean he didn’t think about it.
What if he hadn’t picked at his acne when he was younger? Would he not have any scars?
What if he’d trained more so that his arms weren’t so twig-like? Would people see him stronger?
If his hair wasn’t so scruffy and ginger, would people stop referring to him as ratty?
‘What truly baffles me is how the ninja are so visually strong and then there’s just Jay.’
If he looked more like the others, would people treat him with more respect?
“Jay?”
He turned his head to see Nya stood in the doorway. For a moment, he’d forgotten where he was.
He’d gone to get ready for training after Wu’s teaching session. Recently, training had been swapped until the early afternoon, which Jay was more than grateful for. He loved sleeping in. His mind had been completely blank while he was getting ready. Putting on his training shorts and navy blue tank top. It’s what he always wore.
But when he caught a glimpse of his reflection in his floor to ceiling mirror, everything seemed to stop and suddenly his mind became so full.
‘Ratty’
‘Twig-like’
‘Visually strong’
And he found himself standing in front of the mirror, just staring at himself, for what was probably five minutes.
“Are you okay?” Nya asked with a warm smile, closing Jay’s bedroom door behind her.
Jay nodded and returned to looking at his reflection. After clearing his throat awkwardly, he brushed off his t-shirt.
“Yeah, just making sure it’s not dusty.”
“It looks fine to me,” she told him, heading over in his direction.
As she came into view in the mirror reflection, her now standing beside him with that precious smile he adored so much, he couldn’t help but stare at her instead. It was like a breath of fresh air.
She was perfect. She was smart, caring, and talented, not to mention she was the most beautiful person in all of Ninjago. Perhaps he was just biassed, but she really was pretty.
He smiled, tilting his head to the side slightly.
He was truly lucky to have her. Although sometimes he questioned why she was even with him, he was just grateful that she saw past what everyone else saw.
…Right?
Nya reached a hand up to mess with her ponytail. Jay watched as she tightened it, playing with a few stray strands.
He turned on his heel, turning to face her properly. She turned too, still messing with her ponytail. She gave him a light smile as he stepped forward, wrapping his arms around her.
They hugged often, but this one felt special.
“You’re so beautiful,” Jay muttered into her shoulder.
Nya’s hugs usually cheered him up, but when her arms found their way around him, pulling him in ever so tighter, all he felt was his heart growing heavy. Part of him wanted to break free. Her hands on him were so hot, almost burning, and he could feel her arms on every part of his back. Why had he grown so sensitive to her touch all of a sudden?
She let out a light chuckle, “thanks Sparky.”
Sparky was the only nickname he’d been given by her.
Nicknames were often used when it came to Jay, not just by Nya. The other ninja often called him ‘motormouth’ or ‘zaptrap’ or ‘mouth of lightning’. It never seemed to bother him before but now that he really thought about it, all his nicknames either referred to his elemental power or about how talkative he was.
And nine times out of ten, they were used in situations where Jay felt belittled.
He melted more into the hug, hoping that heavy feeling in his chest would dissipate.
“Are you alright? You seemed distracted during Wu’s session,” she spoke softly.
Jay just nodded, “mhm.”
He hoped she hadn’t heard that sad crack in his tone.
And she didn’t. Instead, she just pulled out of the hug, her hands firmly on Jay’s arms. The arms that were visually much weaker than her’s.
“I love you,” he smiled weakly.
Nya smiled back, her hands moving from his lower arms, up towards his biceps. He felt every moment of it like it was a hot stone pressed to his upper arm. She wasn’t even holding him tightly but it felt so restricting.
“We should head out into the training yard,” was all she responded with.
His heart dropped, but only found himself nodding. And then her hands left him, stepping back and heading towards the bedroom door.
“I’ll uh-” he choked, “I’ll be out in a minute.”
“Okay,” she sang happily before leaving the room.
As soon as the door slammed behind her, he felt his entire body tighten.
Why did she never say it back?
It wasn’t that Jay had ever been bothered about it - he knew she loved him and showed it in different ways - but they’d been together for so long. She hadn’t ever said it even once .
It was an important phrase, right? It wasn’t like she didn’t have the chance to say it, Jay told her he loved her at least twice a day. All she ever did was smile. Why?
Was it so difficult for her to love him? Was it so difficult to say it back? It was three words..
He felt guilty for wanting her to say it. It was something she needed to say in her own time but the two had been together for five years now. Jay had first told her three years ago. It wasn’t like she needed to say it, but there was something reassuring about hearing it, wasn’t there?
His reflection was staring back at him again, all his scars and insecurities standing out like a sore thumb.
Nobody ever complimented him, not even Nya. He couldn’t remember the last nice thing she’d said about him - not that she ever said anything bad - but it felt almost like Nya was the good looking one in the relationship and Jay was just the complementer. He loved telling her how good she looked, and how beautiful she was, and how smart and talented she was, but every now and again it would be nice for someone to say those things about him too.
Or was there just nothing to compliment?
If Nya couldn’t find anything about him to compliment, why was she with him?
He sighed, his gaze travelling across his face and down to his arms.
Child Jay never would’ve guessed any of this would’ve happened. Meeting the love of his life, being pitted against his best friend over her, the media completely turning against him for no proper reason, and even years later still being insecure about something that was barely relevant anymore. If Nya knew the truth, she’d find it stupid. She’d be disappointed.
But when all the evidence about the media being right was right there in front of him, what was he supposed to do?
If he changed maybe just a few things about himself, would he be complimented more?
--✿--
He hoped training would take his mind off it all. Except, when he stumbled into the training yard with a bit of a lighter heart and more positive mindset, wanting to focus after the failure of Wu’s session earlier, he found himself trying to focus too much. Focus on the wrong things.
He was paired with Kai for sparring. Kai was an easy opponent. Not easy in the sense that Jay was better at fighting, but rather the fact they both had similar fighting styles. Jay and Kai had been paired up the most out of everyone so they picked up on each other’s tactics well. It filled Jay with somewhat hope that he could defeat his partner today - something he could actually do right for once.
However, as soon as they started fighting and Jay was getting the upper hand, his mind drifted back to everything from earlier.
His eyes caught Kai’s muscles, the way they tensed when he swung a punch towards Jay. The lightning ninja tried to ignore it, trying his best to focus on the task at hand - defeating his enemy - but the more his view landed on Kai’s much larger biceps, the more his heart grew heavy again.
Mid-fight, his gaze drifted to the rest of the training yard. He tried to keep up his guard, attacking Kai while taking a look at everyone else too.
Nya was a much more skilled fighter than Zane. She had the upper hand by the look of it, but even her strength to lift Zane up with ease and throw him at the floor made him question the fact Zane always felt so heavy to lift. That was because he was made of metal, right?
Cole was winning against Lloyd too but what did you expect from someone with super strength? But even when Cole was stripped of his powers, he was still strong. It was like gravity meant nothing to him. His muscles were huge too.
Glancing down at his own arms as he swung a punch towards Kai, he noticed... he really did look like a twig compared to them. It wasn’t that he didn’t have muscles, he did , but the fact he did the same training as everyone else and even joined in extra whenever someone asked, he was still much visually weaker than them. He was strong though, of course he was, so why didn’t he look the same? Was he weaker?
Burning hands on his chest pulled him forward suddenly, his breath hitching as he was suddenly grabbed and thrown into the air. The world was a haze as he fell backwards, his back hitting the ground at such a force that winded him. For a moment, he couldn’t breathe.
“I win,” Kai’s head came into view as Jay’s eyes remained wide, a hand to his chest.
He coughed, oxygen filling his lungs rapidly.
“You’re usually a lot harder to beat,” Kai crossed his arms, “I did that to Cole last week and he got straight back up. I didn’t mean to throw you so hard, man.”
Of course Cole got back up. Of course he did.
Kai held out a hand for Jay to take. Part of him wanted to remain on the ground, taking a moment to breathe and calm, but the fire ninja had already grabbed him and was pulling him up. Jay kept a hand to his chest, taking in deep breaths.
“Are you okay?”
Jay nodded. It was evident he wasn’t okay, but saying no would be stupid.
“Why don’t you go get a drink or something?” Kai suggested, patting him on the shoulder, “we’re almost done out here anyway.”
Jay didn’t say anything, just trudging off back inside. Nobody seemed to pay attention that he left the training yard, which was a good thing really.
He made his way down the corridor, slowly regaining his breath. He’d had that done to him so many times before, why did it feel so much worse this time? Was it because he was so distracted?
He didn’t have anyone to blame but himself. If he’d actually been paying attention in Wu’s session, he wouldn’t have ended up seeing all those Chirps. And besides, why should he even be bothered about what people were saying? They didn’t know him and they certainly didn’t know the situation. The only people who could determine what he was really like were himself and the people around him. His actual friends.
He poured himself a glass of water and sat down at the kitchen counter, taking in the peace and quiet for a minute. It was relaxing. The cold water in his mouth was so refreshing, definitely something that was needed.
But he could never sit still without getting bored for long.
He reached into his pocket, taking out his phone.
It was a bad idea and he knew it was. He shouldn’t care about what other people are saying, especially when he knew deep down that they were wrong, but the feeling of not knowing what people were actively saying about him was much scarier. If he hadn’t become so chronically online, he likely wouldn’t have cared too much.
Loading Chirp was the worst thing he could’ve done.
His entire home page was full of people talking about the love triangle. Comparisons were left, right and centre. Pictures of all three of them were circling the fanbase, most with over thousands of likes. It’d never become this popular in years. Usually it was just one or two people saying things.
There wasn’t a single person on his homepage that wasn’t talking about it.
Not a single one was talking about how great Jay was.
The first to catch his eye, making him stop scrolling, was a post with a picture of Jay and Cole. The picture of Cole was at a good angle, a professional photo from a few years ago. The picture of Jay was from when he was much younger, at a bad angle. It was a stupid selfie he’d posted on his Instagram story one day before the world went to shit. The caption read ‘are we really fighting about who is better looking’ and the post had twelve thousand likes.
His stomach twisted, his chest feeling tighter. The comment section was full of people laughing, including his own fans, and maybe the original tweet was meant to be a joke, but to Jay it really wasn’t that funny.
God, he really hoped Nya wouldn’t see any of this.
The more he scrolled, the more he saw about his appearance, about his strength, about his personality. Was he really that bad that everyone disliked him?
‘Regardless of if she wanted to be with Cole or not, Nya still needs to dump Jay. He’s really only dragging her down. I really can’t imagine being with such an immature, loud, arrogant pest for the rest of my life. There are so many better men out there.’
These people didn’t even know him.
But then why did it hurt so much?
There was no doubt about it that that’s how the ninja saw him when he first joined the team. They straight up called him annoying, and although Jay thought they never truly meant it, it’d still hit him right in the chest.
The constant comparison to Cole only made it worse. If Jay hadn’t spent all these years since the love triangle still comparing himself to the master of earth, it likely wouldn’t hurt so much. They were two completely different people on completely opposite ends of the spectrum, yet everytime Jay pictured himself more like Cole, the more he imagined everyone else would be happier.
Including Nya.
It was stupid to think that way, especially when on their first date Nya had been so clear that she liked him best when he was himself - but if that was what got him in the whole Jay vs Cole situation in the first place, had she really meant it?
If she really liked him best when he was himself, why did she never compliment him? Why had she still not told him she loves him?
A sudden grip on his shoulder brought him back to reality, his eyes ripping away from his phone screen. As he turned to see Kai, he quickly switched off his phone and placed it face down on the counter. Nya appeared in the corner of his view too.
“Tell her how I beat you,” Kai chirped.
“Oh please ,” Nya rolled her eyes, appearing at Jay’s right side, “he’s acting like beating you was the easiest thing on the planet.”
“It was!” the fire ninja laughed.
They didn’t mean anything by it, Jay knew that.
He sat silently, taking a small sip of his water. Nya sat down on the stool beside him, giving him a reassuring smile as Kai reached into a cupboard to grab a glass.
Soon the two siblings were discussing how great Kai had gotten, and how he’d had the upper hand because not only was Jay tired, but he’d been ‘practising his knee kicks’. Jay knew the truth though - he would’ve definitely beaten Kai if he hadn’t been so distracted.
Kai and Jay were so similar in different ways. They were both somewhat arrogant and Jay considered Kai loud sometimes, but if they were really that similar, why did everyone immediately love Kai and dislike Jay?
Kai and Nya kept talking, but Jay didn’t pay too much attention. Instead, he stared at his phone, imagining it still being switched on, those Chirps right in his face. Even if he wanted to ignore them, it was physically impossible to get them out of his head and now they were stained and engraved in his vision.
“Hey Cole,” Kai notioned behind Jay.
Jay turned to see his best friend enter the room too, his hands pulling his much-longer hair back. He kept it pulled back with a hair tie, a few strands of hair dropping down in front of his face.
“Why don’t you tie your hair back more often?” Nya’s voice was loud in his ears.
Cole glanced at her with a confused expression.
“It really suits you,” she smiled, “it’s nice!”
Cole was saying something in return but Jay didn’t care to notice, nor could he really hear it. Everything was becoming fuzzy, his heart heavy. Looking at her only made it a million times worse.
She looked so happy. He couldn’t blame her; Cole was amazing. Much more amazing than he was. But the difference between how she complimented Cole so often and yet never complimented Jay was gut-punching.
He knew she liked him. He knew there was a reason why she wanted to be with Jay and not Cole. But just like all those people online, he couldn’t figure out why. Sure, Jay was funny and smart but Cole was those things too. Jay was talented and creative but so was Cole. Jay was strong but he was nowhere near as strong as Cole was. Nya was serious - like a black cat - and she liked being around mature people. That was evident when she ignored or rolled her eyes at Jay’s immaturity. Cole was mature.
Cole was everything Jay was but a million times better.
Cole was the perfect match, but Jay never wanted to admit that because Nya wanted to be with him and not Cole.
But… that didn’t mean she didn’t picture Cole in the back of her mind whenever she looked into Jay’s eyes…