Chapter Text
It has been a month, and Barty has made no effort to chat again. Sirius is grateful because he has fallen back into a brain fog, constantly thinking about Remus and how he let him down. It’s a constant image reel in his mind, flashes of memories and feelings. He’s lost all control of it, submitting to the overwhelming grief.
He suspects Barty is going through a similar thing because sometimes Sirius will hear the faintest sound of someone sniffling. A part of Sirius wishes he could help Barty, mostly because he knows how much the boy meant to his brother. But another part of him reminds himself that he is actually a death eater and is guilty of what he is accused of, unlike Sirius.
There haven’t been any additions to his carving collection since the one of the boy riding the broom. He’s lost all motivation to write, paint, or read. He has become content with staring off into space, letting his thoughts get all fuzzy, and allow the tears to just slowly make their way out of his body.
It’s strange how time becomes irrelevant in Azkaban. Sirius sometimes even questions himself when he marks down another day on the wall, but he would rather be faced with the passing of time than letting it slip away from him. Despite his efforts to track time, Sirius still can’t even believe it’s already been a month since Barty arrived. Someone could’ve told him it was only a week, and he’d believe them.
Knowing that it’s May outside, everyone getting ready for summer, Hogwarts students preparing for exams, and the days slowly getting longer, Sirius can’t help but feel even more miserable. Spending his first summer in Azkaban has been on his mind since he had to experience Christmas locked up. Summer has always been James’ favorite time of year. They would swim in the lake behind Potter Manor. Practice quidditch in the field next to the lake.
He remembers Remus being able to visit every once and awhile. He would always sit in the shade and read a book, having no interest to join. Sirius knows that Remus enjoyed it as much as they did. Remus was a funny teenager. People always thought he was being left out, but no one knew that he liked observing, being able to laugh quietly and roll his eyes. He loved nothing more than being able to just be there.
It kills Sirius that he can’t be there anymore. He wants nothing more than to be there.
“Remus doesn’t know I’m innocent,” Sirius says out loud as if their conversation a month ago was only earlier that day. “At least I don’t think he does.”
Barty doesn’t answer at first, Sirius thinks he might not answer at all. Until he hears, “That’s a ridiculous thought.”
Instantly, Sirius is offended. “Excuse me?”
“It’s beyond me why anyone even thinks you’re guilty in the first place. I mean did no one else see what I saw at Hogwarts? There’s no way in hell you’d do anything like what they’re accusing you of. And I know it because I saw the other side of everything,” Barty says, as if he’s ranting on Sirius’ behalf.
Sirius is so taken aback that he doesn’t have a moment to process let alone respond before Barty continues.
“I remember when that fucking loser showed up to a meeting. I had never seen Regulus so angry. He almost lost his composure, literally in front of everyone. Even him. I had to remind him where we were and that this wasn’t the time. But that idiot Pettigrew knew. He knew that we knew. But there was nothing to be done. After he joined, all the recent Hogwarts students were kept under close watch. Regulus got reckless, trying to send you a message. I remember the two of us got into it once because I was so scared. I remember what he said to me. He looked me straight in the eyes and he said, ‘they can kill me for all I care, but they won’t touch my brother.’ I remember laughing in his face, so appalled that he still cared for you. I mean it had been years and we were in a war for fuck’s sake. It was a month later that he…”
Barty trailed off, but Sirius didn’t need him to continue. He knows what he meant. He still remembers hearing the news of Regulus’ death. It’s not something that he could ever forget. Sirius even remembers both Remus’ and James’ reactions too. They were all heartbroken.
Sirius doesn’t realize he’s crying until he speaks.
“Regulus was made of all the good stuff in this world,” Sirius rasps. “He didn’t deserve to have that taken from him.”
“No, he didn’t” Barty responds, his voice dark and cold.
“Can I ask you something?”
“No, we never dated.”
“How did you know that’s what I was going to say?” Sirius asks genuinely.
“Because everyone did. I never cared when people did. I loved him and he loved me. We had an understanding. But it wouldn’t have worked. I was so focused on the high of betraying my father and he wanted to get out so bad. We fought a lot. Ev-evan had to break it up a lot,” Barty’s voice stutters on Evan Rosier’s name, which shocks Sirius.
“He wanted out?” Sirius asks in disbelief. “I mean I knew he was good and that he was forced but I always assumed… I don’t know what I assumed.”
“He wanted out even before it all began,” Barty huffs a laugh, the sound of someone recalling the past like an old friend. “In fifth year, right after the summer you went to the Potter’s, it was around Christmas and Regulus confessed that he was going to talk to James. He wanted to come with you.”
Sirius doesn’t know what to say to that. He can’t ask James what happened. He can only ask more from Barty. He swallows the lump in his throat before asking, “did he? Talk to James I mean?”
“Yeah, he did, I remember Regulus came back upset. I don’t think he even got to ask properly. Something happened between them, but Regulus refused to tell any of us about what happened.”
“Who else could’ve known about it, there had to have been someone,” Sirius sounds frantic, and a little manic. He can’t help it. Knowing his brother and his best friend had some secret interaction. He must find out somehow. He must.
“We tried for weeks, but he told us he’d hex us if we kept asking, so we gave up. I think Pandora might’ve gotten through to him at one point, but she is loyal as the day is long. She would’ve never shared it if she knew Regulus didn’t want her to. But I remember obsessively watching James and him interact for the rest of the year. I could never get anything concrete, just a lot of charged glances.”
“Fuck,” Sirius whispers to himself. He wracks his brain for any sort of sign or memory that could help him figure it out. “Fuck how did I never know?”
“I mean I know I don’t know you, but I do remember you that year. You were reckless, always in detention. The only reason I remember is because Regulus was keeping tabs on you,” Barty laughs again as if he remembered something that was an inside joke between him and Regulus.
“He was keeping tabs on me?”
“Yeah, that stubborn fucker, he wanted to talk to you so badly, but refused to be the first one to break,” Barty explains.
“How can I know you’re even telling me the truth?” Sirius accuses, very suddenly, realizing that this could all be some fucked up joke.
“Why would I lie?” Barty scoffs.
“Because you’re a death eater,” Sirius says matter of factly.
“Yeah, well so was your so-called best friend. Not everyone is who they appear to be,” Barty snaps.
Sirius flinches at the idea of Peter still being remembered as his best friend.
“I—” Sirius pauses, “I’m sorry that was a low blow. I don’t exactly have any room for trust in my life anymore considering…”
Barty lets out a long sigh, “Yeah I get it.”
“Did you really only join to get back at your father?” Sirius asks curiously. He remembers how cruel Barty seemed like a kid, but maybe he was just being a stupid, naïve, kid with a penchant for making his father disappointed.
“Yeah, I did. And I knew that both Evan and Regulus would be forced either way. I couldn’t just leave them. It’s fucked up, I know. I can’t say I’m proud of who I am or what I did. But it felt like there was no other choice for me,” Barty’s voice sounds so small, smaller than Sirius could ever think was possible.
“I’ve judged you wrongly, Crouch, I’m sorry for that,” Sirius says earnestly, feeling the need to make an alliance somehow.
“Same with you, Black, you don’t deserve this fate.”
Barty’s words hang in the air, neither of them knowing what to say.
“Maybe I do,” Sirius says long after they stopped talking. Dinner had long since passed, his empty plate having already disappeared.
“Maybe you do what?”
“Maybe I do deserve this.” Sirius has never voiced this fear out loud. But he has thought about it constantly the past seven months. How he disappointed his family, his friend, the love of his life. How he always got into trouble when he could’ve just been good, like Regulus. How maybe in some fucked up way this was his karma for all the bad things he’s made of and has done in his short life.
“You don’t,” Barty’s voice cuts through his thoughts like a blade. “You never did anything to deserve this.”
“Sometimes I think that I am inherently bad, that I can’t escape my family’s dark history, that somehow this is karma for everything they’ve done,” Sirius confesses.
“Then that means Regulus was inherently bad too since he’s made up of the same things,” Barty says casually.
“What? No, he isn’t. I already told you; Regulus was good. He still is good,” Sirius argues, the anger rising in his chest.
“Why is it that you Black brothers always have a way of seeing the best in each other but the worst in yourselves?” Barty laughs to himself. “Do you not hear yourself, Black? You and Regulus are the same. You both got dealt shitty cards. You handled it differently. But either way, life failed both of you. People failed both of you.”
“You don’t get it. It’s my fault. I should’ve saved him. I should’ve saved James and Lily and H-harry. I should’ve known it was Peter and not Remus. I should’ve known,” Sirius is crying now, unable to control the emotion of failing everyone he loves. His breath turns erratic, his sobs uncontrollable.
“Black,” he hears Barty say, but his vision blurs, thoughts turning fuzzy.
“Sirius!” Barty’s voice echoing loud enough that he’s sure Bellatrix heard it three levels up. Sirius’ breathing evens out. “It isn’t your fault.”
“But—”
“It’s not your fault,” he says again. “Say you know it’s not your fault.”
Sirius stutters on his breath, letting out a sigh, “I know it’s not my fault.”
“Say it like you mean it Black,” Barty knows he’s pushing his limits, but he doesn’t care.
“I know it’s not my fault,” Sirius says louder.
“Good, and I’ll remind you every night until you believe it,” Barty states, with no space for Sirius to argue. He can’t help but laugh incredulously at the situation they’re in.
“You can try,” Sirius says quietly, but he knows Barty heard him. Their conversation comes to a natural end. Both falling asleep.
Barty keeps up his promise, for 5 years. Some days they would talk, some days they wouldn’t. But every night, without fail, when Sirius thought he forgot, Barty would say out loud it’s not your fault. Sirius began to believe it three years into their routine. For a while he thought Barty did too, but about himself. But slowly during year five, Sirius knew that something changed.
Barty withdrew from their unlikely friendship. He would whisper to himself, muttering, arguing with no one. Sirius would try to get through to him, but it never worked. The third time the door opened was when they escorted Barty out of his wing. He saw Barty thrash his body trying to break free. He looked possessed, as if someone was in his head, whispering.
Sirius had a feeling that something was in his head. Whether it was his own guilt or something even more sinister, he never knew. What he did know is that he often thinks fondly of his five years with Barty as his neighbor. A month after he was gone, Sirius made a journal for him, painting it black. Barty had joked that if Sirius ever got pathetic enough to dedicate a journal to him that it better be painted black. Sirius kept that promise.
It was sad seeing Barty go, knowing that something changed. Yet, despite everything, the one thing that kept Sirius going, kept him sane, until he was strong enough to escape, was that one mantra
It’s not your fault.