Archive of Our Own

About six months after the world ended, things had begun to feel, if not normal, at least routine . Bonesborough was mostly standing, they’d sorta got the portal thing figured out, the Owl House was full of boxes and junk with just about enough floor space to move around the kitchen, and Luz was introducing Eda and King to human-style grilled cheese.

“Ooh,” said King, cracking his grilled cheese in two. “Oohoohoo,” he giggled as he pulled the two pieces apart. “Stretchy.”

“You gotta stretch it – that’s the best part,” said Gus.

“So, what, then you dip it?” said Eda, who was a lot more suspicious about the whole thing.

“It’s the classic combo,” said Luz. She watched with interest as Eda dunked her grilled cheese in the tomato soup, waiting for her reaction. At the other end of the table Hunter was already inhaling his.

“Hey, that’s not bad!” said Eda. “What’d you say this was, tomato blood?”

“Tomato soup ,” Gus corrected.

Eda made a so-so kind of noise. “I’d add eyeballs, personally.”

“You put eyeballs on everything,” said King. He shoved half of his grilled cheese into his mouth and chewed noisily.

“It’d be better if it was less burned,” said Luz. “I’m not used to cooking it on a real fire.”

“Oh, really?” said Eda. “I was enjoying the charcoal flavour.” She took another bite and said around it, “Smoky.”

The thing with Eda was it was really hard to tell when she was joking.

“It’s not supposed to taste smoky,” said Hunter, very seriously.

“Oh, butt out,” said Luz. “Last time you tried to grill a cheese you set off the smoke alarm.”

“That thing starts screaming every time you took anything!” Hunter protested.

“It goes off every time you try to cook anything,” Luz corrected.

King was tearing in half the other piece of his grilled cheese, giggling all the time. “Why does it stretch like that?”

“Ah, that’s the magic of American cheese slices,” Luz sighed.

“One of the many marvels of the Human Realm,” Gus agreed.

“Hmm,” said Eda, considering her grilled cheese. “You know, I think I got some eyeballs in the cupboard.”

“Eda,” Luz warned, but she was already on her way to get the eyeballs.

She was spared the sight of Eda putting eyeballs on her favourite comfort food by the abrupt and welcome interruption of a voice shrieking in delight outside and the front door slamming against the wall.

“Hoot- hoot! ” Hooty cried, body flailing wildly through the air in his excitement. “It’s Lulu! Guys, it’s Lulu! Lulu’s here! Guys, check it out, it’s Lulu!”

“Oh, hey, Lilith,” said Eda, unscrewing the eyeball jar. “Darius.”

“Good evening,” said Darius.

“Oh, yeah,” said Hooty. “Darius is here too, I guess.” He pressed himself beseechingly against Lilith’s shoulder. “Soooo, how’ve you been? I haven’t seen you in so long.”

Cupping his face, Lilith scooted it gently away. “You saw me two days ago,” she reminded him.

“ Sooo long,” Hooty drawled. “I missed you so.”

“I missed you too, Hootsifer,” said Lilith. “And I’d love to catch up, but unfortunately this isn’t a social call.”

“Aw, nuts.” Losing interest Hooty wormed his way over to the table and thumped his head down beside Hunter’s plate. “Whatcha eating?”

Hunter offered Hooty the other half of his grilled cheese. Hooty devoured it noisily.

“I take it this is council business or whatever.” Eda ate an eyeball straight out of the jar. “It couldn’t wait till the morning?”

“We thought it best to get this one over with,” said Darius. “Is that okay?”

“Well, you’re already in my house.” Eda offered him the jar. “Eyeball?”

Darius eyed the jar. “How long have you had those?”

Eda gave the jar a shake, which produced a squishing noise. “I like to age ‘em for a while,” she said with a toothy grin.

“I’ll pass,” said Darius. “We’re actually here to talk to Hunter.”

All eyes in the room turned to Hunter. He paused in the act of petting Hooty’s neck. “Huh?” he said. “What? Me? What’d I do?”

Darius gestured at an empty chair. “Mind if I sit down?”

Hunter shrugged. “It’s not my house.”

“You can sit wherever you want,” said Eda. “But I reserve the right to kick you out.” She ate another eyeball. “I don’t like where this is going.”

Darius and Lilith got settled at the table. Lilith set down what was, Luz registered for the first time, a troublingly large folder of papers. Hooty began to optimistically eye her plate and her remaining grilled cheese. She shifted it further along the table.

“Alright,” Darius sighed. “Before we begin, I’d just like to make it clear that what we’re about to say is a decision that was reached jointly by the entire council. Myself and Lilith are aware that it’s not – ideal – for anyone involved, but it is what it is.”

“What I think Darius is trying to say,” said Lilith. “Is please don’t fireball the messenger.”

Luz rubbed her chin. “Huh,” she said. “Interesting expression.” Hooty was stretching his tongue towards her grilled cheese. She shifted it still further away. Across the table, Gus was slowly crunching his, an uneasy look on his face.

“Sooo,” he said. “Is it bad news?”

“Depends on your perspective,” said Lilith.

Darius heaved a sigh, and nested his fingers together. “It’s like this. As you’re no doubt aware, there’s been some concerns expressed – very publicly – about the remaining Coven Heads taking power into our own hands,” he said. “And Belos has a frankly impressive number of remaining supporters.”

It was pretty unfortunate, Luz reflected as she nudged Hooty away from her grilled cheese, that so much of the population of the Boiling Isles had been puppet-shaped when everything had gone down. Belos had wound up with a ton of posthumous plausible deniability. It sucked, honestly.

“Okay?” Hunter sipped his tomato soup.

“It’s proving to be a difficult transition,” Darius went on. “We’re trying to keep everything as above board and within the bounds of the law as possible.”

Eda snorted. He ignored her.

“As a result,” he said. “We’ve now run into – something of a wall.”

“A wall?” Gus echoed.

“Legally the Boiling Isles is still an absolute monarchy,” Darius explained. “And according to the Imperial Constitution the only person who can change that is the emperor – and Belos doesn’t seem to have done any succession planning. The man doesn’t seem to have been intending to, hm.” He rubbed his chin in thought, considering his next words. “ Die . Ever. Which has put us in a difficult position. I hope you’ll appreciate we can’t unilaterally abolish any part of the constitution without, uh.”

“Riling up all of Belos’s fans?” Luz guessed, hand pressed to Hooty’s face to keep him at bay. She still wasn’t sure where this was going but she had a bad feeling about it.

“Pretty much,” said Darius. “We’ve been seeking a legal way to negate the Imperial Constitution, and, hm.” He turned to Lilith. “You want to take it from here?”

“Can do.” Lilith adjusted her glasses and opened up the folder. “It’s like this,” she said. “The Boiling Isles has been a monarchy before – we’ve had a couple of stints off and on – the last one lasted about twenty years in the early Deadwardian era and came to an abrupt end when King Brian the Odious was –” She consulted her notes. “Thrown out of the window of his palace into an open sewer and pelted with rotten meat until he died.”

“What a way to go,” Gus sighed.

“But the Odious dynasty did do succession planning,” said Lilith. “On account of not having unnaturally extended their lives for hundreds of years via horrific misuse of magic. The laws they put in place concerning inheritance were never formally revoked and there’s nothing in the current constitution to strictly contradict them – sooo.” She turned over a page in her notes. “The council, in its wisdom, has decided that they’re technically still on the books and can be invoked to get us out of our current mess.” She waited for a reaction from Hunter, and got none. “Which means that, on Belos’s death, the position of emperor was inherited by his next of kin.”

Luz’s insides turned to lead.

By the look on Gus’s face, he felt about the same. Even Hooty momentarily stopped trying to steal Luz’s grilled cheese. Silence descended over the table, broken only by the sound of Eda sucking jelly out of an eyeball.

Hunter said, “I still don’t see what any of this has to do with me.”

“Hunter,” said Luz softly. “Buddy.” He shot her a puzzled look.

“Hunter.” Gus reached out and laid a hand on Hunter’s arm. “Dude. Belos’s next of kin would be you?”

The look of confusion on Hunter’s face dropped into a mask of total blankness. His eyes took on a calm, glassy quality she was unfortunately familiar with. He said nothing.

Darius sat forward and said in measured tones that suggested he’d also gaged what was about to happen, “Hunter. Hear me out.”

Hunter picked up his soup. He pushed his chair away from the table.

“Hunter,” said Darius. “Can we – talk about this –”

Turning about face, Hunter walked towards the stairs.

Rising to his feet, Darius pressed his hands to the table and said, “Hunter – please – we can talk about this – Hunter – ”

There was the sound of footsteps treading on the stairs. There was the slam of the bathroom door. There was the rattle of the lock. Darius stood, hands still on the table, eyes fixed on the stairs.

Luz and Gus exchanged a glance.

“Yeah,” said Luz. “I don’t think he’s coming back.”

Darius sank back into his chair and rubbed the bridge of his nose. Behind him Eda ate another eyeball. “ Wow ,” she said. “ That went down like an overweight griffin.”

“Honestly, it went better than I expected,” Darius sighed.

“You’re really gonna make that kid emperor?” said Hooty. “Bad idea. Bad, bad idea.”

Then he scarfed down Luz’s grilled cheese.

*

About forty-five minutes later, Darius was still in the Owl House and knocking on the bathroom door.

“Hunter,” he said. “ Please come out. We just wanna talk.”

“Go away ,” came Hunter’s voice through the door.

Well, Luz reflected, he was talking. That was something. She’d been starting to worry he’d fully shut down in there.

“You can’t stay in there forever, kid,” he said.

“Watch me,” came the response.

“We have to talk about this –”

“No, we don’t .”

Darius knocked on the door more firmly, like that was gonna do anything. Luz, meanwhile, turned to Gus. “What are you thinking?” she said softly.

Fingers steepled, Gus said, “I think we need to put out a distress call.”

“Yeah, that’s what I was thinking,” said Luz. “You better do it.” Gus had more restraint. She didn’t trust herself not to try and explain the whole thing in emojis.

Nodding, Gus took out his scroll.

Lilith, meanwhile, had come to join the attempt to cajole Hunter out of the bathroom. “Hunter,” she said. “We understand why you’re upset, but –”

Hunter her told her to do something very inappropriate.

“Now, there’s really no excuse for that kind of language –”

“Agree to disagree on that one,” said Eda.

“You could help,” Lilith said over her shoulder.

Eda shrugged. She was still eating eyeballs out the jar. “Listen, I’m doing you a big favour not kicking you out of my house right now,” she said. “Give the kid some space, alright?”

“I –”

Before Lilith could finish, the bathroom lock rattled. The door opened and Hunter stepped out holding the soup bowl. Possibly, Luz thought, he’d just shut himself in there so he could finish his dinner in peace.

“Hunter,” said Darius.

But Hunter held up his hand. “I didn’t come out here to talk to you.” He turned to Luz. “Can I borrow your phone?”

“Uh, sure?” She groped through her pockets. “Do you wanna –” Actually, she thought better of asking any questions. He’d taken on a look of single-minded determination, as he opened up her contacts.

“What are you doing?” said Darius.

“I’m calling Camila.”

“No – no ,” said Lilith, though Hunter’s thumb was already hovering over the call button. “Do not call Camila –”

“No, I’m calling Camila,” said Hunter.

“You don’t have to call Camila –”

Arms dropping to his sides, bowl dripping the dregs of his tomato soup heedless onto the floor, Hunter snapped, “You just don’t want me to call Camila because you know she’ll be on my side!”

“This isn’t about sides,” said Darius. “No-one is on anyone’s side –”

Hunter hit call .

*

By the time Willow and Amity arrived, maybe thirty minutes later, the argument upstairs was in full swing.

“What’s with all the yelling?” said Willow as she shuffled through the door, Clover settled on her shoulder.

“And what’s with the cryptic messages?” Amity had her arms folded. “This’d better be important, we were in the middle of family boardgame night.”

“Babe, I know how much you care about family boardgame night,” said Luz. Ever since the divorce, the Blights had got real into family bonding. It was cute. A little scary. Witch boardgames involved a lot more physical violence than she was used to. “But something’s happened, and – I guess I should start at the beginning – so Lilith and Darius came over, and –”

Gus cut to the chase. “They wanna make Hunter emperor.”

Willow stared. Amity barked out a laugh. Gus met her gaze, unflinching and very serious. “Oh,” said Amity, laughter dying. “Oh, Titan. You’re – not kidding?”

He shook his head.

“But that’s crazy,” said Willow. “Why – how would they even – why? ”

“I’m gonna sum this up as fast as I can.” Gus counted off on his fingers as he spoke. “Something something, political optics, placating the pro-Belos camp, obscure legal precedent, Hunter locked himself in the bathroom for almost an hour, he called Luz’s mom, she portaled in, and, well, you can probably hear how things are going.

Above them, as if on cue, Hunter’s voice rose out of the argument. “Well, maybe I’ll just go to the human realm and won’t come back! ”

“You can’t hide in the Human Realm!” they heard Darius shook back.

“I can if I take King with me!” Hunter yelled.

A second later King’s voice wailed, “Put me down – please – I don’t wanna be a part of this! ”

None of them spoke.

“So,” said Amity after a moment. “How’s he taking it?”

Luz threw up uncomfortable finger guns. “ Bad .”

Upstairs voices were rising in a cacophony.

“This cannot be for real,” said Willow. “Why would they wanna bring back the monarchy?”

“Okay, so, best as I can tell that’s not what they wanna do,” said Gus. “It’s more about –”

Overhead there was a muffled crack of splintering plaster. “OwwWWw!” Hooty wailed. “ Jeez , Hunter!”

“Sorry, Hooty,” said Hunter, sounding contrite.

They stared at each other. After a moment Amity said, “I vote we go up there before they come to blows.”

By the time they made it upstairs, Mom was already fussing over Hunter’s injured hand, Lilith was comforting a piqued Hooty, Darius was standing in the middle of the room massaging his own forehead, and Eda was still eating eyeballs out of the jar.

“Oh, great,” said Darius, catching sight of them. “Now all the children are here. That’s perfect.”

“What are you gonna do?” said Amity. “Make us leave?”

“This isn’t your house,” said Willow.

“Don’t you dare kick those kids out, Darius,” said Eda.

Darius looked like he had a retort to that, but Mom held up her hand. “Hunter, mijo,” she said. “Do you want them here for this?”

Hunter glanced over his shoulder as if only just registering that they were in the room. He sucked in a breath, and nodded.

Mom squeezed his shoulder. “Do you have a first aid kit?” she said to Eda.

“Uh,” said Eda.

Rubbing the bridge of his nose, Darius stepped forward. “Here,” he said, gently taking Hunter by the risk. A spell circle flickered around his fingers and a strip of abomination-goo wrapped itself around Hunter’s bleeding knuckles. “There,” he said. “Better?”

Luz couldn’t see the look on Hunter’s face but she doubted it was particularly grateful.

“Is that hygienic?” said Mom as Darius stepped back. “Never – never mind.”

Across the room, Hooty was saying, “What’s he gotta take it out on me for?”

“I know, Hootsifer,” said Lilith.

“I didn’t do nothin’,” said Hooty. “Why’s everyone always gotta be so mean to poor Hooty?”

“He’s going through a lot, okay?”

“ Hoot ,” said Hooty scornfully.

Darius drew up a chair. He sat, and rested his chin on his hands. “Do you wanna know why I’m here, Hunter?”

Hunter flexed his hand, testing the abomination bandage. “To ruin my day?”

“I’m here because someone had to tell you about the council’s decision,” Darius said. “And I figured it’d be better for you to have it from a friend.”

“Sure,” said Hunter. Luz was pretty sure he and Darius weren’t friends right now.

“Would you rather have had this from one of the other coven heads? Be reasonable,” said Darius.

Hunter looked at his feet.

“Now, will you please ,” said Darius. “ Please listen to what we’re actually proposing here.”

Mom gripped Hunter’s shoulder tighter. Luz couldn’t see her face but she could tell by the way she was standing how mad she was.

“We have you formally declared emperor.” Darius counted the steps off his fingers. “You sign some paperwork abolishing the imperial constitution. You formally abdicate and cede executive power to the council. It’ll take less than a day and then you never have to think about it again.” Hunter didn’t answer but his face must have spoken volumes. “ Please don’t’ look at me like that.”

Amity and Willow, hearing the plan in full for the first time, exchange a glance. “That – doesn’t sound totally unreasonable,” Amity said.

Hunter wheeled on her. “Whose side are you on here?”

Amity held up her hands and wisely didn’t point out that she hadn’t technically agreed to be on his side. It went without saying, Luz figured. They were all in each other’s corners. In theory.

He turned back to Darius. “If you just want me to sign stuff, I’ll sign stuff,” he pleaded. “I’ll do it right now if you want. Just leave me alone .”

Mom said, “Does it really have to be public?”

Oh, so there was the sticking point. Willow sucked in a hiss. Gus folded his arms.

“We talked about this,” said Darius. “We need to be completely open about the process. If Belos’s supporters get the idea in their head that we’re lying –”

“How is this my problem? ” Hunter exploded.

Undeterred, Darius said, “It’s all of our problem. Think of it as a matter of – civic responsibility –”

“Like jury duty?” Luz piped up without thinking.

Hunter fixed her with a look. “I don’t know what that is,” he hissed.

She held up her hands. “I’m on your side,” she said. “Totally on your side here.”

“Hang on a second.” Taking advantage of the lull in the conversation, Gus stepped forward. “So, if I’m understanding this correctly, Hunter would, y’know. Have total imperial power for a while?”

“Gus!” Hunter protested.

“Only on paper,” said Darius. “He –”

“But he could do whatever he wanted?” Gus persisted.

“He isn’t going to do anything other than what we agree in advance,” Darius said.

“Okay, but I’m just saying ,” Gus said. “I think if you’re gonna make Hunter do this, he should get one free pass. That’s only fair.”

“I like the way Gus thinks,” Amity said.

Hunter raked his hands through his hair in frustration and snapped, “Hunter isn’t gonna get any free passes because Hunter is not doing this! Okay!”

Darius put his head in his hands.

“Well, if you want my opinion,” said Hooty.

“Nobody wants your opinion,” said Darius into his hands.

“He should legalise stealing,” said Hooty.

“Hooty,” Lilith warned.

“No, no, wait – better idea.” Voice dropped into a lower register, Hooty said, “ Arson .”

Taking his head out of his hands Darius turned to Eda. “Remind me what that thing is?”

Eda shrugged. “He came with the house.”

“Wowwww,” said Hooty. “I can hear you, man.”

Darius ignored him. “Hunter,” he said. “I’m gonna level with you. We can’t make you do anything, but the council’s decided that this is the best way forward. A decision of this magnitude isn’t gonna stay under wraps for long. We only have a couple of days before someone leaks it to the press and the Titan only knows what’ll happen if we can’t follow through.”

“So what you’re saying is he doesn’t get a choice?” said Willow.

“Of course not,” said Darius. “I’m just saying, the council has made a decision. Some of us, in fact, argued very strenuously against involving Hunter. Some of us were outvoted. Some of us are pretty mad. But here we are.”

Hunter’s shoulders sagged. When he spoke again his voice had softened. “Darius, please don’t make me do this.”

“This is a request,” said Darius. “That’s all.”

Hand still on his shoulder, Mom said, “Hunter, baby, I know how much this upsets you.” She squeezed his shoulder. “I think maybe we all need to take a break from this and calm down – okay?”

She didn’t say you should think about it . But Luz knew her well enough to pick up on the subtext in calm down and evidently Hunter did too, cause he shrugged her off. “Are you actually okay with this?”

“Hunter, mijo –”

“Why does nobody but me see how crazy this is?” he snapped.

The room went quiet. There was a wet squish as Eda ate another eyeball. “Oh, I’m with you, kid,” she said. “Why are we going along with any of that guy’s nonsense? What, he can declare himself emperor but we can’t un declare it? That’s dumb.”

“That’s the way it is,” said Lilith firmly.

“Yeah, well, quit trying to drag the kid into it,” said Eda. “Hasn’t he been through enough? For f – ” She glanced at King. “For fudge’s sake.”

“Wha?” said King. He waved her off.

Darius opted to ignore her. “Less than a day,” he said to Hunter. “And then this whole thing’ll be over and you can get on with your life. Will you please just think about it?”

“I’ve already thought about it,” said Hunter. “Look, I’m already technically the emperor, right? I’m calling this whole thing off. I abdicate right now, okay?”

“You can’t just say you abdicate,” said Lilith. “There’s paperwork –”

Hunter balled his hands into fists. “I abolish all paperwork!”

“Now that I can get behind,” said Eda.

Once again Darius ignored her. “We’re just asking you to think about it,” he said. “ Please think about it?”

Hunter looked away. The room lapsed into silence. Eda was almost out of eyeballs, her long fingers poking disgustingly around the goop at the bottom of the jar.

Then Hooty said, “What if someone tries to assassinate him?”

“ Augh! ” Hunter threw back his head, pressing his hands over his eyes.

“Hooty, that’s not helping,” said Lilith.

“Oh, I’m not trying to help,” said Hooty cheerfully.

“I’m firing you, Darius,” said Hunter. “You’re all fired.”

“You can’t do that,” said Darius.

“I think technically he can,” said Gus.

“I think he should,” said Eda.

“He can if he does the paperwork,” Lilith pointed out.

“Shut up,” Hunter said, voice raising higher, and higher. “Shut up, everyone shut up! ” he took his head in his hands.

Everyone shut up.

Tentatively, aware that startling Hunter when he was this upset could – in spite of his best efforts – have physical consequences, Willow stepped forward. She laid a hand on his elbow; he went slack, allowing himself to be pulled, wordlessly, into a hug.

Over his shoulder Willow shot Darius a look Luz could only describe as vengeful .

At length, Hunter pulled back. “You okay?” said Willow softly.

He nodded – but then, looking fully not okay, he turned to Mom. “Camila, uh,” he said. “Can I stay with you tonight?”

“Of course.” She reached for his hands. “Any time. You know that.”

*

In the morning, she found Hunter in the kitchen, pouring cereal into a bowl with an air of tension. He glanced at her as she came in, his face bleak, dark shadows under his eyes.

“Hey,” she said. He grunted and reached for the milk. Taking that as the closest thing to a good morning she was likely to get, she crossed the room and slouched against the counter beside him. “Are you okay?”

“No.” He poured milk onto his cereal.

“Did you sleep?”

“No.” He put the cap back on the milk and looked at the carton as if he wasn’t sure what to do with it.”

Gently, Luz pried it out of his hands and set it aside. “You wanna talk about it?”

Hunter set his hands flat on the counted and leaned on it heavily. He breathed out. “The human realm’s really big, right?” he said. “There’s gotta be a lot of places to hide out here. Right?”

“Oh, for sure,” said Luz. “You could run away to New York. It’s a very cool city.”

He huffed. “Like from the TV?” he said; then, his shoulders sagging, “No. I still haven’t figured out your weird currency.”

“Okay, first of all,” said Luz. “It’s not weird, it’s literally just decimals. And, you know.” She reached, tentatively, to lay a hand on his wrist. “You know I’m with you one hundred per cent, right?”

Hunter looked down at his cereal.

“If you wanna do this, I’m with you,” she said. “And, and if you want to go on the lam, I’ll come along. Okay?”

“You have school,” he pointed out.

“I don’t care about school,” she said. “You’ll need someone to help you figure out how to pay for stuff. And, uh, if you’re gonna go to New York you’ll need to figure out how to use the subway system – not that I know how the subway system works, but it can’t be that hard. I figured the Boiling Isles out –”

“Don’t,” he said.

“Huh?” she said. “Don’t what?”

“We’re not going on the run,” he said. “You have school and I know you think I should do it.”

“I don’t –”

“Everyone thinks I should do it.” He hadn’t touched his cereal. “It’s for the good of the Isles, right?”

Luz breathed out, slowly. “I think you should eat that before it gets soggy,” she said, nodding at his cereal. Obligingly, he picked up the bowl. “And I think he put you through hell and you don’t need to torture yourself anymore.”

He began, quietly, to eat his cereal.

“You really don’t have to do this,” she said. “They cannot make you do this.”

“It’s not like it’s even scary,” he said. “Everyone already knows who I am.” He ate another spoonful of cereal. The spoon had started to tremble in his hand. “I can handle it.”

“You don’t have to,” she said. “Hunter. Nobody can make you do anything you don’t wanna do –”

Not again . Not ever again. They were supposed to be ushering in a new age of freedom and choice and self-actualisation or whatever. Not doing this .

The sheer number of asshole still cheering for Belos horrified her. The ones who wouldn’t – or couldn’t – accept that it was all a lie. The ones still insisting that it was all for the greater good. Hell, the fringe group insisting that the guy himself was still alive.

Some of them had the gall to blame Eda – Eda – for ‘subverting’ the Day of Unity. Last time they’d crossed paths with one of those suckers she’d had to drag Amity away.

The last couple of months Hunter had finally started to seem better – more like he’d been back in the Human Realm – before losing Flapjack – and now this. They’d all finally been starting to move on. Not jumping at every shadow. Having less nightmares featuring black goo and antlered masks. That kind of thing.

“I’m sure you’ll pick up the currency really quick with some more practice,” she said.

Hunter looked at her, the spoon in his mouth.

“New York’s maybe too big,” she said. “We could hitchhike across the country – move from place to place – they’d never find us. Ultra stealthy.”

He laughed a little at that. “Yeah?” he said. “Are we taking Willow and Gus?”

“Nah, they have school,” she said. “Plus someone has to run interference.”

“What about Amity?”

“Oh, we’ll need her to be the muscle,” said Luz.

He laughed again and looked down at his cereal. “Thanks, Luz.”

She breathed in, and out. That sounded more like a thank you for lightening the mood than a thank you for offering to go on the run with me, let’s go pack . “You’re gonna do it, huh?”

“I think,” he said, miserably. “I think it’s happening whether I like it or not.”

*

Through the window of the office, in the near distance the ribs of the Titan arched up overhead. Closer a lanky, reptilian thing with wings perched on a rooftop. Across the room a bookshelf was crammed with leather-bound volumes and scrolls. Upon the desk sat a jar of what she was pretty sure was teeth; she’d been trying not to look too closely. On a shelf sat a blocky purple creature with a wide toothy mouth and a single eye that was, too all appearances, listening intently to the conversation.

Camila sat, her purse clutched tightly on her lap, trying not to touch anything.

Behind the desk, the lawyer was sorting through his papers. “Alright – hm,” he said. “Mrs – Nokeda?”

“Noceda,” she corrected absently.

“Mrs Noceda,” he said, not skipping a beat. “I’m given to understand that you’re here as the former Golden Guard’s representative?”

“I’m here for – moral support,” she said. “That’s correct.”

The lawyer tapped his papers on the table. “Well, I’m Theodore Theodorus the Third,” he said. “It’s a, hm.” He eyed her. “Pleasure.”

Theadore Theodorus the Third looked, to her eyes, like a racoon the size of a small child, only with more teeth than your average racoon. She was trying very hard to pretend she wasn’t talking to an anthropomorphic racoon. Just talk to everyone like they’re regular human dudes , Luz had said. That’s what I do .

At his elbow sat Darius Deamonne who was, reassuringly, more or less a regular human dude and who had treated her with painstaking politeness in their brief interactions.

“Alright,” Theodore sighed. “Let’s get down to business. Shall we –” He eyed Hunter. “I’m, hm, sorry, but could we lose the toy?”

Hunter clutched the wolf plushie he was holding tighter to his chest and said nothing.

“The toy is non-negotiable,” said Camila. “Can we please talk about the matter at hand?”

Theodore gave the toy a last, derisive look. “Alright,” he sighed, paging through the papers on his desk. “Let’s get into it.” He adjusted his spectacles and she resisted the urge to find the gesture cute. Racoon or not, he was a grown adult man, she reminded herself. Besides, he had all those teeth.

“Myself and the other partners have reviewed the council’s decision and the historical precedents and we’re all in agreement that, legally speaking, it’s sound,” he went on. “The sanity of this course of action is another matter –”

Darius Deamonne cleared his throat.

“ Legally speaking ,” Theodore said, course correcting. “Hunter – formally known as the Golden Guard –”

Hunter’s fingers clenched against the toy’s soft fur.

“Is Belos’s heir and until such time as the monarchy is formally abolished, does hold full imperial and executive power over the entirety of the Boiling Isles including all outlying islands. The imperial constitution is, comprehensive.” He sniffed and produced, from his pile of documents, a hefty booklet. “If you’d like to –”

“I’m familiar,” said Hunter.

Theodore’s eyes flicked to him. “Ah – yes – naturally,” he said, and put the booklet aside. “Moving on. The council has prepared a list of modifications to be made to the constitution. It amounts to a rather dense document. In view of that we’ve prepared a summary for your perusal –” He flicked through the papers and produced it.

Camila waved him away. They’d already talked about this. “We’re happy to trust in the council’s decision-making skills.”

Theodore wrinkled his snout. “Far be it for me to argue with – his imperial highness ,” he said, making Hunter visibly cringe once again. “I wouldn’t recommend signing anything without –”

Hunter said nothing. His knuckles, where he was gripping the wolf, had turned white.

“Drop it, Theodore,” said Darius.

“If you insist,” said Theodore with a heavy sigh. “ That was a day’s work wasted.” Twisting in his seat, he held out the summary to the purple creature on the shelf. With a sound somewhere between the grinding of a food processor and the Cookie Monster devouring a cookie, the creature greedily ate the documents. Then it let out a belch.

Well, that answered one question, she supported.

Rubbing his forehead, Theodore muttered, “I didn’t go to demon law school for this.”

“Sorry,” said Camila, intrigued. “Sorry – is that law school for demons – or is it where you go to study demon law?”

The look Theodore was giving her became withering.

“Never mind,” she said.

“Could we just get this over with?” said Darius.

“Of course.” Adjusting his glasses, Theodore leafed through some papers. “Gladly. Let’s see, now. The former Golden Guard –”

“Hunter,” Camila corrected.

“Whichever,” said Theodore. At her side, Hunter was still white-knuckling the wolf plushie. “I have here your list of conditions – and the council’s response.” He tapped the papers against his desk, cleared his throat, and began to read. “Request for crystal ball coverage to be kept to an absolute minimum – the council has okayed that,” he read. “Request for guests in attendance at the ceremony to be limited to necessary officials and whoever his imperial highness wants to bring along for moral support – accepted.” He clucked his tongue. “Request for his imperial highness to be allowed to choose his own clothes for the ceremony – now, the council would like to raise –”

“We talked about this already,” Darius interrupted.

“Well, they want to raise it again,” said Theodore. “He –”

“I’m not doing it.” Hunter’s voice had a frankly impressive level of conviction.

Theodore fidgeted with his papers, tapping them absently against the table. “The council would like me to raise the matter of the ceremonial mask –”

“If you make me wear that thing I’m gonna puke.”

“But –”

“ Puke .”

“Ah –”

“ On you .”

Real venom was creeping into his tone. Under the table, Camila laid a hand atop his and felt some of the tension leach out of him. “Wouldn’t it make more sense for him not to wear the mask?” she said. “If he wears the mask couldn’t people say it wasn’t really him?”

“Well –” Theodore hitched up his glasses and rubbed his chin. “No, that’s – hm.” He squinted. “That’s an interesting thought. I’ll have to feed that back to the council.” He raised his eyes from the desk. “Well, anyhoo, that covers your primary demands. If the council’s willing to acquiesce on the mask –”

“The mask’s not happening,” said Hunter.

“Then we ought to be at an agreement here,” Theodore spoke over him; then he set a hard gaze on Hunter. “It might help if you were willing to make some other concession.”

“ Ay ,” said Camila. “He’s doing you people a favour just by being here. I don’t see why he has to make any concessions .”

“Well –”

“Keep pushing and we walk,” she said. It came out with a strength she hadn’t expected. Beneath the table, Hunter squeezed her hand.

Theodore’s beady eyes turned upon her, staring, a fang protruding over his upper lip. Summoning her nerve, Camila stared back.

At length, Theodore sighed and took up his pen. As she watched, he scored out a line of text in his notes. “Request concerning clothing for the ceremony – begrudgingly accepted.” He spun the page around to face Hunter. “Sign here,” he said, offering the pen. “And here – initial here, please.” Papers all signed, he whipped them away. “I’ll get these back to the council,” he said. “And they’ll set a date.”

Hunter squeezed her hand very hard.

*

“ This is Perry Porter reporting from the temporary council headquarters. Crowds are already gathering to witness the coronation of the controversial new emperor. Supporters of the late Emperor Belos are already out in large numbers – ” The view in the crystal ball panned form the crowd of people bearing signs with the imperial symbols, coven sigils proudly on display, to another group. No empire no emperor read one sign. Justice now! Another. “ As you can see, there’s also a substantial anti-imperial contingent present – the atmosphere is tense, but anticipatory. As the ceremony itself is not open to guests we can only speculate about what may be going on inside the council building – ”

“Great – you made it.” Lilith turned down the volume on the crystal ball upon the table. “The council’s getting antsy.”

They’d have been there a little sooner, if the entourage of the ‘controversial new emperor’ (as Dad had called him) hadn’t been put through such rigorous security to make sure they weren’t sneaking in anything or anyone untoward. The entourage gathered around Hunter in a tight clump, to varying degrees dressed for the occasion. King had put on a tie.

They would also have been there sooner if they hadn’t been subject to certain other delays involving a lot more screaming and yelling and hyperventilating than the security checks, but they weren’t about to bring that up.

“Well, we’re here now,” said Luz with an enthusiastic fist pump. “And everything is a-okay –”

“I changed my mind,” said Hunter.

“Oh no,” said Lilith quietly.

“You said you changed it back,” said Gus. They’d all had a very long talk about it at Luz’s house that morning. Hunter had done a lot of hyperventilating about it. Gus’d been hoping it was out of his system.

“I changed it again,” said Hunter, turning on his heel to leave. “I’m going.” He walked more or less straight into Luz’s mom, who caught him very gently by the shoulders.

“Hunter – please,” said Lilith. “We don’t have time for this.”

“Not my problem,” said Hunter, as Luz’s mom did her best to soothe him.

From behind Lilith, Hooty loomed into view. “Want me to create a distraction so you can run?”

“Yes, please,” Hunter said into his hands.

“Well,” said Hooty. “Okay.” He drew in a deep breath.

“Hooty – no ,” Lilith scolded. “Hunter –”

“Oh, great, you’re here!” said Darius, sailing smoothly into the hall. He came to join them, not seeming to register the situation he’d walked in on. He looked Hunter up and down and said, “Is, uh. That what you’re wearing?”

Hunter looked down at his shirt, the words Bad Girl Coven emblazoned across his chest. “Yeah.”

There was an extended pause, as Hunter’s entourage all, presumably, debated whether or not they should say something. “Soooo,” said Gus at length. “Are we in? Out? What’s happening here.”

With the weariest sigh Gus had ever heard, Hunter’s shoulders sagged and he said, “I’m in.”

“Okay,” said Darius, undeterred. “Let’s get this show on the road.”

In the anteroom next to the bland council chamber that would, shortly, serve a brief stint as the imperial throne room, Hunter sat diligently playing with a Human Realm fidget toy. His notecards lay abandoned on the table. Outside, Luz and her mom were talking to Lilith. Amity wandered back into the room and curiously picked up the notecards.

“You good?” said Gus, breaking the silence.

“No,” said Hunter, his eyes steadfast on the fidget.

They changed a glance. “You wanna talk about it?” said Willow.

“No,” said Hunter.

“You read the statement?” said Gus.

“Yeah.”

“It’s thrilling,” said Amity, flipping to the second notecard.

Hunter slammed the toy down on the table. “I’m going to the bathroom.”

Gus made a move to get up from his chair. “Want me to come with?”

“Why would I want you to come with?” said Hunter.

He shrugged. “Just in case?”

Hunter’s hands balled into fists at his sides. “I’m not gonna lock myself in the bathroom again.”

“I never said you were!” said Gus, holding up his hands.

“I’m not ,” said Hunter. “I have to pee, okay? Is that allowed?”

“Totally cool,” said Gus. “Have fun.”

“Have fun? ” Hunter scoffed, and stomped out of the room.

Gus rested his chin upon his hand and watched Hunter leave. Beside him, Willow breathed out a long breath of air.

He said, “He’s gonna lock himself in the bathroom again.”

“Absolutely,” Willow agreed.

“That’s his prerogative,” said Amity with a shrug.

“Give him a few minutes,” Willow suggested. “Maybe he really will get it out of his system this time.”

They waited half a minute or so. Luz stuck her head back into the room and scowled. “ Ugh ,” she said. “Did you lose him again? ”

*

A polite and gracious few minutes later, he knocked on the door of the cubicle. “Hey, Hunter, I don’t wanna stress you out anymore,” he said. “But we’ve got like ten minutes.”

“I’m not stressed,” said Hunter from inside the cubicle.

“You sure?”

“Yes.”

Gus waited for him to go on. He didn’t go on. Sighing to himself, he sat down on the floor. “You coming out?”

“No.” There was a shifting, inside. A squeak of shoes on tile. “You don’t have to stay.”

“I got your back.” Gus sucked in a breath, inflating his cheeks. “What do you wanna do after?”

“What?” said Hunter. “I don’t know.”

“Luz still has a bunch of human movies we haven’t watched yet,” said Gus. “Or, uh –”

“We could watch a movie.”

The response had come very quickly – with a surprising and reassuring enthusiasm. “We can do whatever,” said Gus.

“No, I wanna watch a human movie,” said Hunter. Well, Gus reflected, that was something.

There was the sound of the toilet flushing.

“Are you coming out?” said Gus.

“In a sec.”

“Hm.” Gus considered. “Did you throw up again?”

“No,” said Hunter; then he said, miserably, “A little.” The lock clicked as he fumbled the door open. He went to the sink. He rinsed his mouth. Leaning on the sink he looked at his pale face and red-rimmed eyes and said, “You can do this.”

“That’s the spirit!” said Gus. “C’mon – let’s go get some pre-ceremony snacks.”

*

Back in the anteroom Darius said, “ There you are – I was worried we’d lost you.” He said it like it was a joke, but he also sounded kinda strangled.

Hunter folded his arms and said, “I had to pee.” Gus shuffled into the room behind him.

“Happens to the best of us,” said Darius. “You got your notecards?”

Amity handed him his notecards. “Yes,” he said.

“You sure I can’t change your mind about the – bad girl shirt?” Darius gave him another once-over.

“Yes,” said Hunter.

Darius clasped his hands together. “Cause we do have other shirts –”

“This is what I’m wearing,” said Hunter firmly.

Darius looked like he was going to go on arguing, but Lilith motioned for him to wrap it up. They were already a couple of minutes late. “Alright,” he sighed. “Forget the shirt. Let’s just get this over with, huh?”

“Fine,” Hunter said.

Then, at last, he, his entourage, and the various council officials headed towards the temporary imperial throne room, where awaited them a passable throne, crystal ball coverage, an extremely brief speech, and, if they were very very lucky, an end to the whole mess.

*

“Now, you see, the fascinating thing about pizza is that even though it’s made up of the same basic ingredients as your grilled cheese and tomato soup,” Gus explained, “as an eating experience? Entirely different. I think this is a great example of the impressive ingenuity humans show with their cuisine in spite of missing several of the major food groups like the haunted group and the bugs group.”

“Ooh,” said King, biting into a slice. “It’s even stretchier!”

“And I just eat this with my hands?” said Darius, motioning dubiously at the box.

Gus nodded sagely. “Getting greasy is part of the experience.”

“I see,” said Darius.

On the TV, Labyrinth was playing, but no-one was paying that much attention. Across the room, Willow sat with a gentle hand upon Hunter’s arm. “I think you did great,” she said. “I’m really proud of you for only throwing up twice.”

“Really?” said Hunter.

“Yeah!” Luz agreed. “And the speech was like, ninety-eight per cent totally comprehensible.”

“I don’t remember what I said,” said Hunter.

“A load of boring stuff,” said Luz.

“I thought the speech was very tight,” said Amity.

Lounging over the back of Hunter’s chair, Hooty put in, “I still say he should’ve legalised something weird.”

“Hooty,” Willow scolded.

“No, it’s okay,” said Hunter.

“Had your chance, man,” Hooty said. “Ya blew it.”

Hunter ignored him. “Was I really okay?”

“Oh, yeah!” said Willow, at the same moment that Luz said, “You were great,” and Amity said, “At least you didn’t puke on camera.”

“We could’ve had consequence free arson for ever ,” said Hooty bitterly.

“ Hootsifer ,” said Lilith. She began to reel him in like a hose.

Eda wandered up behind the chair, idly patting Hooty as she passed. “You did good, blondie.”

“Thank you,” said Hunter gravely.

“Don’t get me wrong,” she said. “Terrible delivery on the speech. Truly awful. But yeah! The empire’s well and truly dead.” She toasted him.

“Whatcha got there?” said Willow, eying her drink.

Eda looked at her glass of champagne. “Human soda.”

“It’s really over,” said Hunter. “Huh?”

“Yep.” Eda laid a hand on the back of his chair. “It’s over.”