Chapter Text
Actus me invito factus non est meus actus
Spring comes, but it doesn’t bring with it the usual accompanying warmth and good humor among the troops. There is a cavity in the heart of the Corp.
It’s been over three months since they lost Eren and Levi in the field. The bad weather has kept them from mounting any kind of search party to look for the bodies. Erwin brutally supposes they’ll find whatever’s left in the spring thaw.
Armin at least can distract himself with books, and other people. Mikasa haunts the castle, not speaking to anyone for days at a time.
The first crocuses litter the ground when Eren and Levi walk back into camp.
The first night that Armin thinks of as being back to ‘normal’--the third night after their return--Eren sits with Mikasa and Armin and the others at dinner. As soon as people start to get up and say their goodnights, Eren gets up and drifts away too.
Levi is sitting with Hanji at a table on the other side of the hall. Eren takes the empty chair at his side. Levi seems not to notice. Then, as Armin watches in astonishment, he sees Levi’s arm come up to rest on the chairback behind Eren’s head.
For anyone else, any other two people, this might be normal. It’s not normal for Captain Levi though. Armin spends a lot of time studying other people, and the Captain doesn’t do casual touches like this. He looks from one to the other, trying to figure it out. Could they really be…?
It’s late at night and Armin’s alone in his room reading. There’s a knock on the door. Armin looks up, “Come in.”
“Commander,” he said in surprise, getting to his feet.
“That’s all right Armin,” Erwin says, waving him to stand at ease. He shut the door. “Do you know where Eren is?”
“Uh,” Armin said.
Erwin smiled faintly. “It’s all right, Armin. No one’s in trouble. I just received a message...I need to leave for the capital at once. I’d like to speak with you all briefly before I go.”
Armin looked uncomfortable and slightly guilty; “Well, he might be with Captain Levi...sir.”
“I see. Will you walk with me, Armin?”
There’s nothing Armin wants to do less at this moment, but he goes.
The walk to Captain Levi’s room takes a while, and Armin and Erwin don’t make any small talk. Outside the Captain’s room they can hear laughter--two distinct voices.
“What is there to laugh about, I wonder?” Erwin asked aloud.
Armin shifted uncomfortably but didn’t answer; the question had sounded distinctly rhetorical.
“On second thought, Armin,” smiling in a way that made the boy uneasy, “Would you mind telling them to meet us in my office? I told Hanji to get Mikasa, and I don’t want to keep them waiting.”
The commander doesn’t wait for a reply, just turns on his heel and leaves. Armin took a deep breath. He really didn’t want to intrude on whatever private moment Eren and the Captain were sharing. He’s more than a little terrified to be standing here. But orders are orders. And he supposed the commander was really being kind--if he can avoid catching them in a compromising situation then he won’t have to reprimand him.
It’s either that, or he doesn’t want to have a show-down with Levi in front of the two younger soldiers.
Gloomily Armin knocked on the door.
To his deep surprise, Captain Levi’s voice answered immediately.
“Yes, come in.”
Hesitantly he opened the door.
There was a small fire in the Captain’s room--the spring nights can still get very chilly, especially in a castle--and there are rugs over the flagstone floor. Everything he can see is spotless.
Eren was lying on the rugs in front of the floor by the fire, his head propped up on his fist, brooding over a chessboard. The Captain sat cross-legged facing him, a cup of tea in his hand.
“What is it, Arlert?” Captain Levi asked.
Eren bit his lip in concentration and moved a piece--
“No, not there,” Levi said, without turning, and Eren sighed and put it back.
“Uh,” Armin said, momentarily at a loss by this unexpected turn of events. This is what they’ve been doing? Playing chess?
At the Captain’s impatient look, he hurriedly went on, “Uh, Commander Erwin would like to see you both. Sir. And, uh, me too, and Mikasa and Squad Leader Hanji.”
Eren got to his feet, still looking meditatively at the chessboard as he put his boots on.
“I still don’t see why--” he complained to Levi in an undertone as they left the room together. Levi blew out candles and lowered the lamp on the way out.
“It was the wrong move, that’s why,” he said, pulling his jacket on, then clapping a gentle hand on the back of Eren’s neck.
Armin observed them from behind on the walk to Erwin’s office. They walked close together talking quietly; occasionally one of them, usually Eren, would wave his hands to illustrate a point. They seemed totally unselfconscious, taking their intimacy for granted. Seeing them for the first time you would simply assume they were old friends--not an officer and a soldier.
And not lovers, either, Armin realized in some surprise. He suddenly felt very stupid. For weeks he’d been operating on an erroneous assumption.
When they had come back, so different, Armin had naively assumed that the change was due to sex. He’d known for a long time that Eren had a crush on Levi, beneath the obvious hero-worship. He’d never come out and said it, but Armin could tell as well as anyone with two eyes and a brain. And in the weeks since they’ve been back, they’ve been spending so much time together--alone.
But the answer is apparently both more simple and more complex than he’d originally thought. Captain Levi has never seemed to him like the kind of man who makes friends easily--really, he doesn’t seem to have any normal friendships at all.
But then, he mused, Eren’s not like other people. Armin’s never known anyone who could match him for sheer stubbornness. And he’s good at getting under people’s defenses.
And so apparently, in the three months they were trapped together, confined to a cabin in the wilderness, something even stranger happened than the two of them becoming lovers; they became friends.
During the meeting Erwin explains that he’s been called to the capital--that Hanji will be in charge in his absence--that his business should take only two weeks or so to conduct--that they must take special care of Eren in his absence.
“Now that we know Eren is alive, we have to believe that our enemies know as well,” Erwin explained. “We have to anticipate another attack.”
Armin listened, but he watched as well. Erwin was leaning back against his desk, and the others were all facing him, in chairs that had been dragged into the office. Eren and Levi sat at his far left, Hanji and Mikasa in the middle, Armin on the right. Everyone was watching the commander, but Armin surreptitiously studied Eren and Levi.
They sat close together--closer than any of the others. And Eren wasn’t quite sprawled in his chair--but he was more relaxed sitting next to Levi than he would have been in the fall. Levi was relaxed but composed, sitting straight, and watching Erwin thoughtfully. They weren’t touching, but their arms resting on the sides of the chairs were close together--just inches apart.
When the meeting was over Erwin said, “Levi, a moment.”
The others got up to leave, and Armin glanced back. He didn’t have a good feeling about what was coming, but he knew it wasn't really any of his business...
“It’s about Eren,” Erwin said, as soon as the door has closed behind the others.
“What about him?”
“He can’t be in your room alone,” Erwin said bluntly. “It’s inappropriate. People are talking. You can’t spend so much time alone with him, either, at least when you’re not on duty.”
Levi’s eyes narrowed. His expression didn’t change, but Erwin had known him a long time, and he could read him as well as anyone. He was surprised to see Levi so furious.
“What is it you want, exactly? A chaperone? Should he invite Arlert along? Should we leave the door open?”
“No, Levi,” Erwin said patiently. “He can’t be there at all. You two were alone together for three months. What do you think people--”
“Yes, three months he had to spend carrying me around because I almost fucking died. Or do I need to show you the scars?”
“I know--”
“You don’t know a fucking thing, or you wouldn’t be asking me to do this. I’m not fucking him, for god’s sake.”
“Appearances are what matter.”
Levi shook his head, silent and furious.
“If I let you carry on,” Erwin said quietly, “Word is going to reach the other forces. You know what rumors are in the military. What do you think is going to happen if they find out that you two--”
“Nothing’s going on between us!”
“That’s not what people will believe,” Erwin said, raising his voice. “The people we report to, the people I report to, gave us this task. You’re charged with Eren’s safety, but also with his death, should it become necessary. No one’s going to believe that you’ll be capable of that if there’s a rumor going around that you’re sleeping with him. He’ll be removed from your care, and possibly from the Survey Corp as well. Is that what you want?”
Levi glared at him. “So stop the rumor.”
Erwin sighed. “How can I when he goes around staring at you like that? I’m not blind Levi--”
“For god’s sake!” Levi exploded. “It’s a fucking crush! Do you know how many subordinates I’ve had that have had crushes on me? I can think of maybe three who didn’t! I know how to handle him!”
“Yes,” Erwin snapped back, “And I don’t recall Petra being invited back to your room for midnight chess every night!”
Erwin wished the words back as soon as they were spoken. It was the wrong thing to say--unfair, on every level. Levi was on his feet, and Erwin had never seen this particular expression of absolute rage on his face before.
“I’m sorry, Levi,” he said quietly, half-expecting the other man to throw a punch at him. “That was out of line.”
“You told me,” Levi ground out the words, so low Erwin had to strain to hear them. “To do whatever it took to control him. I’m doing it.”
“It’s out of the question that things can continue the way they have. Do what you need to to remedy the situation.”
Erwin sat back down and picked up a pen; after a moment Levi swept magnificently from the room.
Erwin sighed and leaned back in his chair as soon as Levi had gone. He didn’t understand the bond between Levi and Eren, but he was happy that Levi had found someone to care about. God knew the man deserved some sliver of happiness. If that was playing board games with a teenager--well, Hanji was practically unhinged when it came to her experiments, and Mike’s greatest joy in life seemed to be sniffing things; really, it took all kinds to make the Survey Corp run.
He can’t remember seeing Levi respond to anyone’s romantic advances, well, ever. Even if that’s not what’s happening here (and he believes Levi, implicitly) he’s not an idiot. Levi feels something beyond simple friendship for the boy. Whatever it is, it’s none of Erwin’s business, and normally he would never interfere.
But this affects the Corp. And that trumps anyone and everyone’s personal feelings. He doesn’t want to play the villain, but if that’s what Levi needs to get some distance between himself and Jaeger, then he’ll gladly be the devil.
Levi trusts him, and he’s had to work incredibly hard to earn that trust. And Levi’s been so obedient through the last few years that he wasn’t prepared for him to put up such a big fight this evening. And that’s his own fault. He should have realized that this was different--he should have approached it differently. But it’s done now, he thinks.
Fuck Erwin anyway, Levi thought, walking back to his room. Goddamn fucking piece of shit.
He’d known it was hopeless as soon as the words had been out of Erwin’s mouth, but he’d had to fight anyway. He didn't want to be parted from Eren, and it was as much for his own sake as the boy’s.
He’s never met anyone as stubborn as Eren. It’s his only exceptional quality. He isn’t a particularly good athlete, or student, or soldier. But he’s stubborn as fuck. Locked up in the wilderness, sure that Eren was just prolonging their eventual death by starvation or cold, Levi knows it was Eren’s will to live that had gotten them through those first few weeks. He had been useless fucking dead weight, lost in a delirious haze of pain.
He can’t forget Eren’s patience during that time. It’s not something he ever would have associated with the boy--patience!
And now Erwin wants him to just rip his fucking heart out, and stomp all over it like it’s no big deal. Well, fuck. Fine. Erwin can have what he wants; Erwin can suffer the consequences.
He knows Eren well enough to know there’s only one possible way to do this. Eren loves him; he doesn’t doubt that. To Eren, he is the stars and the sun and the motherfucking moon in the sky. Ripping his heart out is going to be the easy part; keeping him at arm’s length, or from falling off a cliff into teenage angst and despair, is going to be the challenge.
He’s in a bad mood all the next day; he spends the morning abusing everyone stupid enough to come near him. The afternoon is blessedly free of interruptions (word has gotten around, and everyone gives him a wide berth) and he spends it in hard training. Alone. After dinner he goes up to his room in a cold fury.
He throws his cape and his jacket onto the bed, heedless for once in his life of wrinkles, and he paces the room like a tiger before finally settling down in the chair by his desk with a book. He doesn’t read it, but he pretends to. Where is the fucking kid already? He wants to get this over with.
Eren arrives at last. He knocks on the door, opens it, and comes to sit down on the floor at Levi’s feet. Smiling all the time. So fucking sure of his welcome. He doesn’t even speak, just begins unfolding the chessboard and setting up a new game.
I can’t do this, Levi thought miserably, looking down at the top of Eren’s head. It’s like kicking a goddamn defenseless puppy.
He closed the book with a snap.
Eren looked up at once, green eyes meeting gray. He forced himself to maintain eye contact, to give nothing away.
“Look Eren,” he said, casually, “this happy homemaker shit has been fun, but you’ve got to give it a rest.”
“W-what?”
“We’ve been back for two weeks now. I can’t have you hanging around my neck all the time, all right? Go and screw around with your friends, go get some fresh air, go and pester Hanji. I don’t really give a shit what you do, just go do it somewhere else.”
Those green eyes, looking at him, depthless. He doesn’t budge though, doesn’t waver. He can almost see the inside of Eren’s head rearranging itself.
The Captain doesn’t want me here. The Captain’s just been putting up with me all this time, waiting for me to get the hint. Of course he doesn’t want me here; he thinks I’m just a stupid kid.
If he’s expecting tears then he’s sorely misjudged Eren. It seems the boy’s learned some self-control in the last year or so he’s been in Levi’s charge. Eren gently closed the chess set and stood up. He gave a quick military salute--it would be moronically formal if it weren’t the appropriate thing to do when taking leave of a senior officer. Eren’s voice doesn’t wobble, his face doesn’t twitch, and his mouth gives nothing away.
“I’m sorry for disturbing you, sir. Good night.”
He leaves, a silent little ghost.
As soon as he has gone Levi throws his book across the room. “Fuck you Erwin, you fucking piece of shit,” he said.
He yanked open the top drawer of his bureau and grabbed a bottle tucked in the back. He poured himself two fingers of whiskey in a glass, drank it off in one gulp, then poured another two. Walking over to the mirror in his room he glared at himself.
“Fuck you too,” he said to his reflection. “What were you expecting, for god’s sake? Scenes?” he sneered. “Hysterics?”
Eren’s growing up, and he knows it. He’s turning into a fine man; he knows that too. Eren couldn’t have possibly taken things better than he did just now, and Levi is depressingly sure that at breakfast Eren will be perfectly, beautifully behaved. The little looks and smiles and jokes that they’ve been sharing for months, will all be neatly tucked away under lock and key behind those pretty green eyes.
He won’t be mooning after Levi, or angsting away, or carving Levi’s name in his arm with his butter knife. He’ll be a good little boy, in control of his emotions, because that’s what Levi’s taught him to do.
Levi is still holding the glass in his right hand. With his left, he grabs the hem of his shirt and lifts it up, exposing his stomach. A long, pale scar marks his belly. It’s almost invisible in the soft candlelight of his room, and it looks much older than it is.
With his free hand he traces the path of the scar. He can barely feel anything--the skin there is hardly even raised. It’s a mark that’s barely there. You’d never know how close to death it had brought him.
“Ungh,” Levi said, trying to sit up.
“Lie still,” Eren said absently, his tongue between his teeth.
“What’re you--” where is he, why is he slurring his speech?
“I’m just changing your bandages, Captain,” Eren said soothingly. “Don’t worry. Just relax.”
“What?” he feels like his guts have been rearranged; everything below his ribcage is painful.
“It’s all right,” Eren soothed, and he brushed something over the wound that Levi couldn’t lift his head up high enough to see.
“What is that?” in alarm. “It’s sticky!”
“It’s just honey, Captain.”
“Why are you rubbing honey on me!”
“Because it’s clean,” Eren said, patiently. “It draws water out of wounds. The germs in your wound can’t survive when I put this on.”
Levi is still regarding Eren with suspicion, and he feels five steps behind whatever’s going on. But as soon as Eren’s finished the wound does start to feel better.
“It’s hurting less,” he said quietly.
“Yes,” Eren said. “It’s a natural pain reliever, as well as an antiseptic.”
Belatedly, Levi recalled that the boy’s father had been a doctor; he relaxed marginally.
“Levi,” and since when had Eren dropped the honorific? “Can you sit up, just for a minute? I want to wrap this bandage around you.”
He obeyed, and he could see how relieved Eren looked. Eren worked quickly, his hands almost a blur, and it was done before he even started to get tired. Eren grabbed a shirt that was nearby, and helped Levi into it.
“This isn’t clean,” Levi complained.
“I know. I’m sorry. It’s all we have at the moment.”
“Where are we? Eren, what’s going on?”
“We were attacked outside Wall Rose.”
Levi hissed out a long breath.
“But, when it started to snow...Hanji’s theory seemed to be at least partially correct...the other Titans were slow to respond, with the snow and clouds blocking a lot of sunlight. The intelligent Titans couldn’t see well in the storm. It got very bad, and Erwin called for a retreat.”
“So why are we here?”
Eren let out a soft sigh. “I...you were injured, Captain. You were...trying to protect another soldier from the Titans, and somehow a blade went right through you.”
Levi glanced down at his injured torso.
“It must have been bad.”
“It was,” Eren said quietly, and cleared his throat. “I...was in Titan form. I grabbed you, and I could hear the call for the retreat, but the snow was so bad I had trouble following...seeing where the others went. Somehow, I got separated...the rest, I don’t remember so well, I’m sorry. When I woke up again, we were here.
“I--I guess I must have been more lucid, than usual, when I exited the Titan, because when I looked at your stomach I’d already stitched it up. But I don’t remember…”
Levi sighed and let his head fall back on the pillow. “I hope you at least cleaned the needle first.”
“Yes, sir. I mean, I can’t remember, but infection would have set in by now if it had been very dirty.”
Levi made a face. “How long have we been here?”
“I think about a week...I’ve been marking the days since I woke up, but I don’t know how long I was out, that first time.”
“And…” he looked puzzled at Eren. “I haven’t woken up? All this time?”
“You have,” Eren said, a little cagey. “You just don’t remember.”
“We’ve had this conversation before then.”
“Yeah…”
“Great.”
“You seem much more rational now though, sir!” Eren said hopefully. “And you’re not feverish now.”
Unbidden and before Eren could stop him, he reached out and brushed the back of his hand against Levi’s forehead. He sighed in relief.
“Yes, it’s gone. Thank god,” he murmured mildly, more to himself than to Levi.
Levi looked at the boy in surprise. He hadn’t ever heard Eren sound so weirdly grown-up before; it gave him an uncomfortable picture of what he might look like, sound like, in ten years. If he lived that long. And he wondered, feeling a bit chagrined, how the boy had been managing all week if he has been as difficult and fractious a patient as he suspects he has been.
Levi leaned back. He had more questions but...he suddenly felt very tired.
“Do you want some soup, sir? And some tea?” Eren was puttering around, and he brought the food back to the bed before Levi could answer. He was hungry, he realized.
“Tea?”
“It’s from the emergency rations. I’ve been saving it for when you were feeling better.”
“How have you been managing?”
“There were some old stores in the pantry, here, dried beans and things that are still okay to eat. And I’ve been going out to hunt...I think this was a hunting lodge, there’s a lot of weapons, and fishing poles, things like that.”
Back in the present Levi sighed. He’s done a lot of shitty things in his life; betraying a comrade, no, more than that--someone who loves him--might not be his worst sin, but it’s a new one.
“Jeez,” Jean muttered to the general company the next day. “What’s eating the Captain?”
Levi was even nastier than usual that day, running them off their legs during training. “You’re dead Jean! A Titan just ate you! You just got Connie eaten, Sasha! Good job!” they had been hearing all morning. Everyone was edgey--the Captain’s anger causing them to make more mistakes than usual.
“Eren,” Jean said nudging him.
“Huh?”
“You talk to him. He likes you.”
Eren tried to protest this, but it was quickly taken up by the others.
“Eren, it’s almost lunchtime!” Sasha cried. “We’ve been out here for hours!”
The Titans won’t give us a break for lunch, Eren was tempted to say, but he knew that was unfair, and would only get him glares from his companions. He sighed, and flew up to where the Captain was perched several hundred meters off.
“Well?” Levi asked, when he’d arrived.
They were too far away to be overheard by the others. The trees weren’t in full leaf yet, but all the branches standing between them offered enough cover for Eren to feel comfortable reaching out and touching Levi on the shoulder.
“Are you all right, Captain?” Eren asked gently.
Levi looked surprised, and Eren continued, “Is your injury bothering you?” His hand was still on his shoulder. Before, it was something that would have passed unnoticed between them.
Almost unconsciously, Levi put a hand on his stomach, where the scar was. “No,” he said. “I’m fine.” He looked down to where the rest of their squad was clustered together. “Your friends are shit,” he said. “They’ve gotten fat and lazy cooped up in that castle all winter.”
“Well, Erwin split them among the other squads when they thought we were dead,” Eren said, following his gaze. “It will take time for everyone to work together as a team again.”
“You’re right,” Levi said. Eren blinked in surprise. “I suppose they sent you up here to get me off their backs, huh? Cowards.”
Eren grinned, slowly. “Well, they said you’d go easy on me, because you like me. I tried to tell them it wasn’t true.” He was smiling crookedly at Levi, inviting him to share in the joke.
“Hm! Yes, we know better,” Levi agreed, and Eren’s grin got wider. “Fine, go and tell them they can have lunch. But if anyone’s late getting back--”
“I’ll tell them. Thank you, sir,” Eren said, and he flew down to rejoin his friends.
Levi watched him go, wondering how it was that that he could be feeling better. It was irritating to think that Eren was taking this better than he was.
He waited until they had all gone, then flew down himself to go for a walk along the edge of the lake. It was rather gray and gruesome in the cold early spring, but in a few weeks he knew the woods would be fully alive, filling up with birds and flowers.
There was a large, flat stone at the edge hovering over the surface of the water. There was no sun today, and it was too cold to be sitting still, but he went and sat there anyway, letting the cold bleed into his bones.
He wasn’t even surprised when twenty minutes later he heard soft footsteps creep up behind him, crunching in the rocks and sand along the shore.
“Didn’t I tell you to buzz off?” he complained, unable to put any force into behind it.
Eren put down a handkerchief-wrapped bundle then slid down to sit next to Levi, his legs swinging on the edge of the rock over the water.
“You are ill,” Eren said, eyes wide in concern. He put an arm around Levi, drawing him close and draping his cape around both of them.
“I’m fine,” Levi said. “Go away or I’ll push you in.” God, this was horrible. Fucking Erwin! He had had everything under control, and then Erwin with his stupid ideas about propriety had nosed in and ruined everything. In pushing Eren away he had only driven him closer. He didn’t have the fucking energy to keep doing this, either.
Besides, Eren was always so warm--it felt wonderful to have him pressed against his body like this.
“You weren’t at lunch. I brought you some food, do you want--”
“Yes, fine, give me a sandwich. Then get lost. I want to be alone.”
“All right,” Eren said peaceably. He picked up the bundle and unwrapped it carefully, giving Levi a napkin first, then the sandwich, and putting a water flask between them. There was no indication that he was leaving. He sat there next to Levi, eating his own sandwich and contemplating the lake in front of them.
Stubborn bastard, Levi thought with helpless affection, and let him stay.
The day after Levi had tossed him out of his room he had seemed like he was in pain. Eren’s concern for him had quickly overcome his usual obedience when it came to Levi’s orders. He’d spent the winter nursing Levi through terrible injuries, and when he’d seemed to be suffering again that had carried more weight than what Levi had said to him. A big part of him had also been hoping that Levi hadn’t really wanted to be rid of him after all, and that it was just his old injuries making him irritable.
Levi had tolerated his fussing for a few minutes, then told him to shove off, and Eren had gone. He’d been reassured that Levi was physically okay--but a bigger part of him (one that he was ashamed of) felt unbelievably depressed.
Like a kid with his favorite toy taken away, Eren thought. He didn’t know what had happened. He’d obviously done something to wear out his welcome, if the day before yesterday Levi’d been acting normal--seeming even to like having Eren around--and today he couldn’t stand him.
“Help me up,” Levi said one morning. “I want to go outside.”
“But--”
“Eren, we’ve been cooped up in here for weeks. If I have to stare at these fucking walls for one more second I’m going to kill myself. Or you.”
“Okay,” Eren said reluctantly. He fussed around, helping Levi with his boots and cape, and hovering nearby as Levi stumped to the door.
“Okay,” Levi said, staring out into the snow. “Give me your arm.”
Together they trooped up to the top of the closest hill, making slow progress through the snow. At the top there was nowhere to sit, but Levi was gasping for breath. Eren laid his cape in the snow, and sat there huddled with Levi, supporting him.
Levi leaned against Eren, feeling cold and worn out from the brief climb. Eren put his arms around him automatically. It was the kind of physical closeness that would have been unthinkable just a few weeks ago, but now they both took it for granted.
Eren’s body was always slightly hotter than normal because of his Titan abilities, and since they’d become stranded here Levi had been incredibly grateful for that. There wasn’t much wood to burn, and at night they slept huddled together, covered by their capes and all the blankets they’d been able to find.
“This sucks,” Levi said, at the same time Eren said,
“We need more wood.”
Levi raised an eyebrow at him. “Well?”
Eren took a deep breath. “We don’t have enough. And I don’t think there are enough trees close to the cabin to get us through...however long it takes.”
Levi sighed. “Yeah?”
“I think I should transform. I can travel a lot farther, a lot more quickly in Titan form. If I can find a forest I can bring back as much wood as we need.”
“And if there’s an enemy nearby.”
“If we don’t do anything we’re going to freeze anyway and it won’t matter.” He paused. “It’s going to snow again soon. If I go now, the snow will cover whatever tracks I make.”
“We could just head back to the Wall. Get back to camp.”
Eren shook his head. “You’re not healed enough yet. And if we run into trouble…”
Levi sighed. “Fine. Help me back to the cabin. Then go.”
Eren had been gone for more than twenty-four hours. Levi hadn’t slept during that time. He had sat by the small pathetic fire, and considered his options after it had become likely that Eren wouldn’t be coming back. They weren’t appealing. He had never felt so helpless.
When he had heard Eren shuffling at the door--long after he had believed that the boy was dead or had been captured--he had closed his eyes.
“Levi! Hey, Levi, are you all right? Did you fall asleep sitting up? What’s that?”
He’d come and crouched by Levi, picking up one of the small crudely carved objects he’d made.
“What’s this?”
“A chess set,” Levi said. “So we can do something besides stare at the walls and wait for our brains to dribble out of our ears.”
Eren grinned at him. “I’m sorry I took so long. I think I have all the wood we’ll need now though. And I got a good look at where we are.” He sketched out the area they were in for Levi, describing what he’d been able to see in his Titan form.
Levi was exhausted, but the trip outside the cabin seemed to have had the opposite effect on Eren. After Eren changed the bandages on his wound he fell asleep, and when he woke up hours later the cabin was warm and the fire had roared into life. Eren had cleaned everything while he was sleeping (now that they had as much hot water as they liked), and half their blankets and clothes were strung across the room, dripping but clean. The wooden tub that had been propped in the pantry was in the center of the room, by the fireplace, where Eren was filling it with hot water from a boiling kettle.
Seeing that Levi was awake, he said, “It won’t be really hot. But I thought you’d like a bath anyway.”
“Yes,” he said, emphatically, getting up. Eren helped him undress, putting his dirty clothes aside to wash afterwards, and helped him into the warm water.
Eren helped him to wash too, “Try to keep the stitches from getting wet,” and Levi hadn’t pushed him away. At the time, it hadn’t seemed important.
“There’s nothing really dry yet, I’m sorry. One of these blankets isn’t too damp…”
“That’s fine.” He let Eren wrap it around his shoulders, and then he had sat in a chair by the fire while Eren washed his clothes, and made their food, and rearranged the hanging blankets to try to get them to dry more quickly.
Levi finished carving the chess set, and watched Eren, and wondered what it was that he was feeling. Was it something other people had a name for? The smallest part--affection, lust--he could understand. But the bigger things--understanding that Eren was capable of managing this shitty situation they were in, and not merely just keeping them alive, but doing his best to keep Levi happy--all this fucking around with laundry and hot water and sweeping and scrubbing--it must have taken half the damn day. And doing it cheerfully, not grudgingly, and keeping to that fine balance of taking care of him without annoying him.
They ate dinner and they played chess afterward. Levi darkened the black pieces with some ash from the fire. After one game--which Eren played poorly--it was impossible to ignore how tired the boy was. He kept yawning--but said he didn’t mind playing again if Levi wanted.
“No,” Levi said. “Let’s go to sleep.”
They didn’t have enough clean dry blankets--or clothes--to allow themselves even a minimal illusion of privacy tonight. Before Eren could turn away--they slept back to back, or side by side most of the time--Levi turned to embrace him as if it were the most natural thing in the world.
In the darkness Levi heard Eren’s breath catch. He stroked Eren’s hair, and Eren leaned into the touch.
“Thank you, Eren. For everything.”
Eren was quiet for a long moment; there was only the crackle and sizzle of the fire. “You’re welcome,” he said. “But I just did what I needed to. I don’t--”
“I don’t deserve to be thanked” was what he had been about to say, Levi was pretty sure. Eren, who still blamed himself for the deaths of so many fallen comrades.
Eren cleared his throat. “But, you’re welcome.”
Was that the moment he had first wanted to kiss him? What would have happened if he had? He had no doubt Eren would have turned to him, warmly, eagerly, welcoming. All his tiredness forgotten.
Instead he said, “Good night, Eren.” And they had fallen asleep.
After being cooped up together for so long, it would have been normal for them to have been thoroughly sick of each other by the end. They hadn’t been. As soon as Levi could walk a few steps on his own he wanted to walk a few more; that kept Eren anxiously running after him while trying (not very successfully) for nonchalance. Levi, as a military officer and longtime wrangler of teenage trainees knew perfectly well that boredom and inactivity led to trouble. He did his best to keep them both busy.
They built snow forts outside. “Are you sure about this?” Eren asked skeptically, obviously finding it difficult to square the idea of his Captain wanting to do something so childish.
A snowball hit him in the face, and after that Eren had no more objections; he just wanted revenge.
When the stitches came out and Eren agreed his wounds were healed enough to start training again he’d fought with Eren. Grappling wasn't safe (straddling Eren and rolling around on the floor with him? No, thank you), and anyway there was nowhere good to practice--inside was too small, outside too snowy--but he taught Eren knife fighting. He gave Eren a knife to use, but only used a thick branch himself. Eren was annoyed--until it was obvious it didn’t matter, Levi was simply too quick and agile for the difference in their weapons to affect the outcome. After that, he shut up and focused on learning, and didn’t worry about Levi getting hurt.
With some of the branches and scraps they made snow shoes--having to go through several models before coming up with a design that was strong enough and sturdy enough to function. They tried to find deer or rabbits or birds to hunt, with limited success. And they were always wary in case of Titans. But in that, at least, they were lucky.
When they’d finally made it back there’d been a debrief with Erwin, and then Eren had been absorbed into the fold of his friends. After dinner Levi had gone up to his room--alone--and wondered why he felt so irritable. He should have been happy for the peace and quiet--for the chance to bathe properly, and in private--for tea, and his books. And he was. But did that mean he had to give up everything else?
When the knock had come on his door--after Eren’s friends had gone to bed, and he’d finally been left alone--Levi had sighed in relief. Eren was standing there, smiling, holding the borrowed chess set (they had left the crude one he had carved behind--they had traveled light when leaving the cabin).
He had never stopped desiring Eren. But the real affection and intimacy they had developed for each other had made the desire fade enough to be, if not forgotten, then at least possible to ignore. Without an outlet--a safe outlet--he felt disaster looming.