Chapter Text
Je ne tourne si tu ne changes
Eren showed up at his room again on the night before they were supposed to leave for the capital. Levi raised his eyebrows. “Not going to leave me alone after all?”
Eren grinned helplessly. “I just came to visit. You don’t have anything to worry about. And--you can send me away if you want.”
Levi stepped back to let him in without answering. He’d been sitting on the bed, looking at maps and supply sheets and requisition forms and schedules.
They spent the evening in bed. Not kissing, and hardly even touching. Levi filled in forms and took notes, and Eren lay beside him, the tips of his sock-clad toes brushing Levi’s calves. Not worth complaining about, but definitely there. And he seemed to have been speaking the truth. He didn’t try anything, and he seemed content just to read his book and be near Levi.
It was familiar enough to be soothing. Safe. Even with it all more or less out in the open now between them--Eren knowing that his feelings aren’t exactly unreciprocated--there wasn’t the kind of tension that he would have expected. And that in itself was strange. The idea that Levi could be enough for someone--not his body, or his abilities, or his reputation--but just him was a new one. Petra and Oluo, Eld and Gunther--they had adored him because of what he had been able to do. Because he was their leader. Would they have put up with his quirks if it hadn’t been for his skills? Absurd to even think it.
But Eren, he was beginning to suspect, would. It’s been more than a year since Eren came under his protection. Whatever delusions Eren might once have had about him have to be long gone. He’s seen the dark parts of him, the ugly parts, the difficult parts, and it hasn’t turned him away. He knows Levi is a crotchety, vulgar, fussy, solitary, vain, and sarcastic bastard. He knows better than anyone. And yet he still wanted to be here with him--not even expecting or looking for sex. Just wanting this. Him.
At some point Levi’s hand drifted over to rest on Eren’s shoulder. Eren might have smiled, but even that was hard to tell with his nose buried in his book.
Erwin knocked on the door, then opened it. He was used to coming up to Levi’s room to discuss the events of the day. He was tired, and hardly waited for Levi to call to him to enter. He had already opened the door to Levi’s room before it registered in his mind that Levi hadn’t.
They’re on the bed--Levi sitting with his back against the headboard, and Eren half-sprawled beside him. Eren started up guiltily when Erwin came into the room, but Levi only gave him a look of mild inquiry.
He stood there for a moment, trying to grapple with the situation.
“Eren,” he said, finally. “Could you give us a minute?”
Eren looked wildly between them, his face bright red. Levi nodded and he picked up his boots and walked out of the room, not meeting Erwin’s eye.
When he had gone Erwin looked at Levi. “Why did you disobey my orders?”
“It didn’t seem to matter anymore. Your coup was a success. No one’s going to remove Eren from the Survey Corp now.”
Erwin sighed, deep and frustrated. “Levi,” he said, “what are you doing?”
“Fuck if I know,” Levi said.
“Isn’t he a little young for you?”
“Yes.”
“So why--!”
“I don’t know,” Levi said, again. “He likes me, for some reason.”
“Levi--”
“Before we go any further,” Levi said, setting his papers aside, “I want to know, are you talking to me as my friend, or my superior? Because if you’re going to forbid me from having anything to do with him as my superior, then I’m refusing.”
“A direct order?”
“Yes. You can drum me out of the corp--or have me disciplined--executed--whatever you like. But you can’t order me not to be his friend--or anything else.”
“His ‘friend’?” Erwin repeated in disbelief.
Levi shrugged. “We haven’t really done anything.”
“It didn’t look like it! Levi, I don’t know what kind of madness has gotten into you but apart from anything else he’s your subordinate.”
“I know,” Levi said. “It’s a concern of mine. He doesn’t care. He said he’d be satisfied with my friendship if that was all I could give him,” Levi gave him a small, tired, sad smile.
Erwin stared at him, but his shock was fading as his brain was starting to catch up to the situation. This wasn’t what he’d thought it was. The Survey Corp had a swathe of eccentricity running through it a mile wide. The kind of people the Corp cultivated were by default a little unhinged. What sane person would choose to fight monsters? You had to give allowance for strangeness. It was the only way the whole thing worked.
It was why everyone--from the Squad Captains to the greenest recruits--was given so much discretionary authority and autonomy. In the surreal chaos of battle you had to be able to make decisions for yourself.
He doubted Levi’s devotion to the Corp less than anyone’s--and that included himself. If Levi was telling him this, that he was willing to sacrifice everything he’s ever valued over what he’d called a ‘friendship’--then Erwin had to believe it was only the tip of some tremendous struggle. One that, in spite of his relationship with Levi, he’d known almost nothing about.
“Then as your superior,” he said at last, “I’ll say no more about it. But as your friend, I’ll say I hope you know what you’re doing.”
“I don’t.”
“I need to talk to you about the meeting in Mitras,” Erwin said, abruptly changing the subject. “I received a message today--”
The next day in the midst of their preparations for setting out Eren managed to corner him for a minute.
“I’m sorry Captain,” he said guiltily, looking at Levi sidelong. “I didn’t mean to get you into trouble.”
Levi surprised him by snorting, then surprised him even more by ruffling his hair. “What, it’s only now you’re realizing your behavior is inappropriate?”
Eren blushed, and muttered, “I didn’t--”
“Don’t worry about it. Erwin has bigger things to worry about than whether you can keep your hands to yourself.”
For a while they were constantly on the move; after Historia’s coronation they traveled to the walls to test Eren’s abilities, then out to the farm where the squad settled in. Hanji stayed with them while Levi and Erwin returned to the Capital. Levi was ambivalent about leaving him. For the most part, he had tried to avoid thinking about what had happened. Eren had been surprisingly cooperative, not retreating, but staying true to his word and not pursuing him either. When Levi did reflect upon it it was with a dry amusement. Eren had probably realized an indirect and drawn-out campaign was more likely to be successful than an open attack.
Levi returned alone, late one afternoon. He had asked and received permission to leave a few days ahead of everyone else. He hadn’t entirely been able to hide how much of Erwin’s new plans disturbed him. It was rare for them to be in disagreement--and Erwin had been generous enough to overlook his disobedience when it came to Eren. Levi hadn’t openly, or even privately, disagreed with Erwin when they’d discussed the serum and retaking Wall Maria. But he knew that his unease had registered with Erwin; Erwin had acknowledged it, but it had not changed his plans.
He was looking forward to seeing Eren and his friends again, more than he wanted to admit. Most of the rough edges had rubbed off by now. They’d survived enough harrowing experiences that real liking had begun to replace duty. When someone spoke of ‘Squad Levi’ he was starting to think of them first, and not the others. It never failed to sadden him, but it was life. You had to move forward if you weren't going to lay down and die.
In the distance he could see two familiar figures walking together, alone. Historia and Eren. Historia perhaps a little closer to the boy than strictly necessary.
He pulled up his horse and waited for them to disappear behind the farmhouse before riding up the rest of the way. It was a little bittersweet, but he felt relieved as well--even happy. Historia was a much more appropriate subject for Eren’s attentions.
The next day he took them out into the woods--all of them, even Historia who insisted on coming--to go through maneuvers and drills. These trees were not ideal for training, too small and thickly clustered together. It had been over a week since he’d seen them last and he was expecting them to be a little rusty.
They weren’t. They moved like one unit, instead of separate parts. One’s agility complemented another’s speed; one’s strength another’s weakness. In training or battle he’d never seen them work so well together. From time to time he caught Eren looking at him, trying to gauge his reaction. Belatedly, he realized that Eren must have dragged them out here to train, maybe even every day that he’d been gone.
It was the middle of the afternoon when he called for them to come down. They looked at him, expectant, wary, maybe even a little nervous, which amused him. They’ve faced down Titans, and yet they’re still afraid of him.
“Well done, all of you,” he said and allowed himself to enjoy their shocked expressions before dismissing them. When he walked away from them, back towards his room, he thought how much it would hurt now to lose any one of them. And it’s almost a certainty that he will. The mission that’s coming is the most dangerous thing they’ve ever faced.
For once he didn’t change his clothes straightaway. He sat down to meditate, but he’d barely started before there was a timid knock at the door. Don’t answer, it said, and I’ll go away.
He opened the door, and let Eren in. They haven’t done anything, not since that first time. Whatever little touches have passed between them have been entirely chaste, in body if not in spirit. And there was Historia now; a new wrinkle.
Before he could talk himself out of it he embraced Eren, pulling him close and down. They’re both dirty from the day of training--still in their gear. He could smell Eren’s sweat as well as his own. It shouldn’t have been as nice as it was.
But it felt fantastic, just to hold him in his arms. Alive. Not a broken lifeless body.
Eren hugged him back, hard enough to make his ribs ache. He turned his head, resting it against Eren’s chest, the leather strap digging into his face.
I’ll take it all, he thought, without regret.
“Levi?” hesitant, worried, concerned. Eren's hands running gently over his body, as if checking for some injury.
Thinking it over, he realized he hadn’t seen Eren looking at Historia at all today. Not more than any of his other teammates. She’d looked at him, sure. But he didn’t think Eren had even noticed; he'd been too busy looking at Levi.
Holding Eren now he can still feel it, that anticipation, sparking under his fingertips. The knowledge that so much more lay just under the surface. That Eren was holding back. Forcing himself to.
Maybe it was better like this. Maybe it could only be like this--all wrong. It’s almost dinner time; if they’re too long getting back to the others, then they arrive back at the same time it’ll be suspicious; they’re both dirty and sweat-stained and rumpled.
He kissed Eren. Eren didn’t lunge at him desperately, or knock him over. His arms came up to pull Levi even closer, and he kissed him back, meeting pressure for pressure. It's a long, sweet kiss; it gave too much away. Levi let him go enough to lean their foreheads against each other.
“What if I said just this, and nothing else? Ever again?”
“That would be okay.”
He’d been prepared to give Eren what he wanted. He hadn’t been prepared for Eren to give him what he needed.
“What if I take all your clothes off? Then make you go away?”
Eren laughed. “I’d call you a tease. But that would be okay too. You like me, that’s enough.”
“Yeah?” he turned his head, rested it on Eren’s chest again. Turned his head away. “What if I loved you?”
Eren’s voice was, maybe, a little watery when he answered. “That would be okay too,” he said. Too quiet and rough to pretend it didn’t mean anything.
Levi kissed him again. Eren put his hands on the straps of Levi’s harness and took them off, piece by piece. Levi stepped out of the bottom half and let it all drop to the floor. He let Eren untuck his shirt, brush the waistband of his pants.
He took Eren’s harness off; so quick and easy that it made Eren smile between kisses. Who guided them to the bed he couldn’t afterward remember. There was no more talking, for quite a while. It was bigger than both of them now. Too big for doubts and uncertainties.
Just in their pants and shirts now, and he kissed Eren’s skin, along his neck, his collarbone while Eren gasped underneath him. He doesn’t taste dirty, doesn’t smell unpleasant. The sweat on him is clean, and he had to have washed this morning. Underneath it all Levi could still smell the soap on him.
When their clothes were off they held each other for a long time. Eren’s hands were warm as they traveled up and down his body, tracing old scars, moles, muscles. There were things he had wanted to do for a long time, and Levi let him. His hands, grasping Levi’s heavy thighs. His mouth kissing along Levi’s flat stomach. His hands squeezing his ass and then, finally, coming between them to touch the hardness there.
There’s no going back from this. Levi had known that at once. Too much lay between them. This wasn’t about sex as much as it was knocking down the last walls between them.
Levi kissed his way over Eren’s body, down his chest and belly. Eren shivered when Levi started kissing him there, trailing wetly over the flat planes of his stomach. He nosed through Eren's pubic hair, and Eren started to gasp as if he couldn't get enough breath.
He licked over Eren’s cock, pulling it into his mouth. Eren was petting his hair--gentle when he remembered and frantic when he didn't. Levi didn't mind. He hadn't done this with anyone in years. Never with anyone who obviously enjoyed it so much. His previous encounters all tended towards the cynical.
Eren was moaning and saying his name; he dragged his teeth across the tender skin and Eren grabbed him and arched his back, crying out.
“Yes, yes, please, yes that's really good--”
He sucked, keeping the pressure hard and relentless while Eren all but sobbed above him. He could feel the moment Eren started to stiffen, close to orgasm. Eren tried to push Levi’s head away, but Levi smacked his hands and kept going. Getting Eren off was as good as getting himself off--better in some ways.
When Eren came he cried out and shuddered, and Levi swallowed the bitter fluid off before letting him go. He came up to hold him, and Eren hugged him, still shaking.
He'd always been a big believer in taking care of yourself--not making someone else do all the work. He showed Eren what he liked, how hard to touch him, how he liked to be held. Then he pressed Eren down into the mattress and kissed him, sliding his cock in and out of Eren's grasp and between his thighs, slippery with sweat. It was so easy. He kept his eyes shut most of the time so he wouldn't have to look at Eren, looking at him--that was too much. It all was.
And he knew Eren liked watching him. When he got close he felt his whole body tense up, felt Eren tense up to in response. He put a hand down between them to touch Eren's erection, softly petting.
"Think you can get off again?"
"Yes!" Eren said, way too eager, and Levi kissed his neck to hide his face; he didn't want Eren to think he was laughing at him.
He put a hand down between them, his other arm supporting his weight. Brought their cocks together, and squeezed, showed Eren what to do.
Eren was craning his neck to look down between them, "Ohh..." he said, the look on his face soft and amazed and so deeply erotic that it wasn't just enough--it was too much, and Levi thrust against him. It was messy and awkward. It should have been, anyway--in reality he couldn't have held back any longer. The orgasm took him roughly, and he cried out--soft, but louder than he'd intended. When those loud waves of pleasure receded they left behind the knowledge that it was the best he'd ever had: shocking and sweet and sort of obscene. After that Eren didn't seem to need to do much more than wiggle to get off again. It should have been dirty, but though he tried Levi couldn't find it in him to feel anything but charmed. Holding Eren, afterward, he found himself laughing.
It was nearly dark when he woke up, startled awake by the sound of crockery rattling.
“Sorry,” Eren said, giving him a sheepish smile. He was dressed, and balancing a laden tray.
“What are you doing?” Levi asked, blinking at him.
“I told the others that you weren’t feeling well, and I would bring up your dinner,” Eren said.
It was something he hadn’t thought of before, but now he smiled faintly. “I guess it is more believable that you’re chasing me around coddling me than that you’re sleeping with me.”
“Um,” Eren said, looking away, “Well, they do sort of say I’m an ass-kisser now…” he muttered, and Levi laughed.
“All of them?”
“Mostly,” he said, resigned. “When I went down to tell them, Mikasa said my obsession with you was creepy.”
“It is,” Levi agreed unsympathetically. “Come here.”
He pulled Eren into his arms and rolled around the bed with him; Eren got it after a minute, and then they were play-wrestling. It was goofy, beneath his dignity, and something he’d been wanting to do for months, so he did it, giving in completely and letting himself enjoy it. It was safe.
When he had Eren thoroughly pinned he let his hand ride up underneath Eren’s shirt, then started tickling him. Eren yelped and squirmed ferociously; Levi thought fleetingly of the thin walls, but decided since everyone was at dinner they wouldn’t hear. Probably. Eren managed to get an arm free, and then used a pretty good move to flip them over, so that Levi was underneath. He could have stopped him, but was impressed enough that he let it happen.
“You’re getting better.”
“You don’t have to sound so surprised,” Eren complained, and kissed him. At some point he mashed his face into Levi’s collarbone and said,
“I love you.”
As though holding it in any longer would have broken him.
“Yeah,” Levi said.
One night Jean made a crack about Eren and the Captain. They were cleaning up after dinner--it was Jean and Eren’s night to do the dishes, and Jean was washing.
“So, Eren,” he said. “The Captain should be here any minute to take you on your date. You guys have anything special planned tonight? Is he gonna take you dancing?”
Armin held his breath, waiting for the explosion. It didn’t come. Eren laughed in his face. He didn’t even pause in drying the dish he was holding.
“Yes, Jean,” Eren said, “he calls me schwoopy when we’re not playing chess and he writes me fucking love poems. Hey, why don’t you ask him about it yourself if you’re so curious?”
Jean looked distinctly uncomfortable, and unfortunately for him it was at that moment Captain Levi walked into the room.
“Hey Captain,” Eren said cheerfully, replacing the dish and picking up another one, “Jean wants to ask you something.”
Captain Levi turned his steely-eyed glare on Jean, who paled and trembled underneath it.
“Well, Kirschtein?”
“N-nothing sir!”
Levi stared at him a long moment. “Quit dicking around,” he said, not just to Jean, but to the room in general. “Do you idiots not realize your lives are in danger?” He shook his head.
“Coming Eren?”
“Yes, sir,” Eren said. He put down his dish and followed Levi out, smirking at Jean as he brushed past him.
“Do you want black or white tonight?”
“I’ll take black.”
“You sure?”
Armin could hear their voices drift faintly away down the hallway; he grinned into his mug of tea. As soon as they were out of earshot the room erupted into laughter; Jean looked embarrassed and red-faced. “Oh, shut up,” he mumbled, sinking his hands into the dishwater.
“No--no, Jean, that was really smooth! You really showed Eren there!” Sasha said, howling with laughter.
“I said shut up about it!”
“I liked the way you stood up to the Captain, Jean,” Connie put in. “That was brave of you.”
Armin knew that things had gotten physical between them--he thought he could probably guess the exact moment it had happened, if Eren’s cheerful behavior at breakfast the next morning was anything to go by. In the beginning, when they’d first come back and he’d been laboring under a fallacy--he’d worried about the impact such a relationship would have on his friend.
Levi was much older, and presumably much more experienced, and Eren worshipped him. He was in complete control of himself, whereas Eren could barely contain his rage and frustration from moment to moment. It had seemed, at the very least, morally sticky. And the idea that Eren would get his heart broken--or worse--had been a constant source of worry for him.
He hadn’t had all the information at the time though. He’d thought that by its nature it would have to be an unequal relationship--he couldn’t have foreseen how it could have been otherwise.
But he did now. No one could look at them, the two of them together--as Armin has--in private unguarded moments when they’ve thought themselves unobserved, and think that they are anything but equals. He hasn’t seen anybody else make the Captain smile like Eren does, and he’s never seen Eren so calm and happy and in control of himself. He wondered if it was that--being so different that made them work so well together.