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Dazai, in some aspects, still feels like that 18 year old grieving the death of his closest friend.
Logically, he knows that it’s been almost 4 years, but sometimes he doesn’t want to listen to logic. And on certain occasions, he makes his way back to the bar to reminisce. He doesn’t talk to Ango that often anymore, the gap between them growing further and further as the years pass.
Most of the time, when he thinks about Oda for too long, he has to pull out his strongest liquor to attempt to chase away his thoughts. This attempt is futile. He still remembers the feeling of Odasaku’s blood on his hands, he doesn’t think he’ll ever forget. Though, these days, he struggles to recall the sound of his voice, and it terrifies him. He ignores these thoughts.
*
On the anniversary of Odasaku’s death, Dazai can’t make himself wake up to go to the office. Kunikida has to send Atsushi to fetch him. Eventually, Atsushi banging on his door is too annoying to ignore, so he drags himself out of bed, and opens the door.
Atsushi doesn’t look very happy with him, which is to be expected when he let him bang on the door for 30 minutes. He just can’t bring himself to care though.
*
After Atsushi deems him thoroughly awakened, he leaves. Dazai lets out a breath, he’s supposed to be used to the shenanigans of his coworkers - friends? - after so long, but today tests that. He doesn’t have the mental or emotional energy to deal with people today, it seems.
Dazai decides that he won’t be going to work today, he just doesn’t feel like it. He doesn’t think he’ll be missed too much, it’s not like he’s the most productive employee.
He has better places to be on this particular day anyway. Even if it’ll make him think about too many things.
*
When he arrives at Oda’s grave, he just feels numb. Sitting against it though, he can almost trick himself into believing that nothing has changed, that he’s still that kid, chatting with his friend about trivial things. Dazai knows he’s not - not really, no matter how much he tries to make himself believe he is - but sometimes, it’s nice to pretend, it quiets his brain, even for just a minute.
He can’t stand to sit at the grave for too long though, so he decides to head to his next and final destination. He honestly doesn’t know what he’ll get out of this, but he heads that way anyway.
*
Standing outside the bar, a flood of melancholic nostalgia hits him all at once. The photo from what feels like so long ago, burns a hole in his pocket. He doesn’t want to be here anymore, doesn’t want to solidify that he really has grown up so much without Oda.
He would’ve been 26.
Dazai is the same age Oda was when he died.
Dazai is the same age Oda was when he died.
He walks away from the bar.
But when he turns around, he sees someone he least expected, Ango. He honestly shouldn’t be surprised, it’s the anniversary of Odasaku’s death, Dazai wasn’t the only person close to him. They were a trio.
They both kind of stand and stare at each other for a minute, identical looks of grief on their faces. Normally, at this point, Dazai would’ve slapped on a smile and started spouting his usual annoying nonsense, but again, he just doesn’t feel like it today.
The two of them have a silent conversation, even after 4 years, they still don’t need words.
*
Dazai is sitting at the bar next to Ango, drinking his whiskey. He feels like he’s intruding on his own memories. Like he shouldn’t be here.
He wishes time would stop passing, he’s grown taller, he’ll never be taller than Oda was, but he’s not supposed to get older. Time was supposed to stop during grief, that's what everyone said. Why didn’t that happen?
He wants to bang his fists on the counter like a toddler. He wants to burn down the bar. He wants to punch the closest person he sees. He wants to cry. He really wants to cry.
He knows he won’t, he’s not that type of person, but now, he kind of wishes he was. That’s such a simple way of letting your emotions out, he wonders, does that work better than repeated suicide attempts?
*
At some point, while Dazai is stuck in his thoughts, Ango leaves. He doesn't even say goodbye. Dazai can’t blame him though, he thinks maybe Ango wanted them to talk about Odasaku. And Dazai isn’t - and doesn’t think he ever will be - ready to talk about Oda in depth. It feels too raw, too sensitive.
He kind of just wants to sleep now.
*
He’s awoken again by Atsushi, but this time instead of his door almost being busted down, it’s a slap to the face. It stings, and there's probably a red handprint on the left half of his face, but he doesn’t really care. He vaguely registers that Atsushi is speaking, but he doesn’t comprehend any of it. He just silently gets out of bed and pushes Atsushi out the door. He hears a startled yelp at the door slam.
It’s not like he’s mad at Atsushi, he was totally justified in trying to wake him up, and honestly it probably wasn’t even Atsushi’s idea to slap him awake. But he just wants to be alone for a little while.
After he gets out of the shower and is dressed in his typical tan trench coat, he ventures out to find Atsush. When he makes it down the stairs of the agency dorms, he sees Atsushi looking mildly annoyed and impatient. He quickly ruffles his hair and they walk to work. It’s eerily quiet between the two of them, probably because Dazai doesn’t feel like talking.
*
When they arrive at work, Kunikida reprimands him for being so late, and he half-heartedly apologizes. He wants to go back to sleep again, or maybe get a drink. Thinking about which one he would want more, he chooses the drink.
He thinks he’s seen Yosano drinking wine during work a few times, so he assumes that she has to have a liquor cabinet somewhere in her office. He doesn’t quite know where she is right now, but he should be able to sneak in and grab some.
*
Sitting in an empty infirmary drinking cheap wine isn’t the most riveting activity, it’s kind of boring, and the wine doesn’t taste very good. He’s surprised Kunikida hasn’t come to yell at him yet.
He sits there for another few minutes, staring into his wine glass. He doesn’t notice any movement around him, so he’s definitely off his game right now. When he notices that he’s not alone in the room anymore, he looks up to see Yosano and Kunikida.
No one speaks, but Yosano grabs two more glasses and the open wine bottle, and sits down next to him and Kunikida. Silently, she pours wine into the glasses, and hands one over to Kunikida. She holds her glass up in invitation for a toast, and they both comply.
The ‘clink!’ sound sends him reeling for a moment. He’s missed this, he realizes; the community, the friendship.
He smiles a little, and it’s not entirely the same, it’ll never be the same, but it’s something, and that’s all that really matters to him right now.