Chapter Text
Hwang Hyunjin is pretty.
That was the thought that crossed Felix’s mind when he first saw him.
It wasn’t even a meeting, and he was sure Hyunjin didn’t know he existed at all, but Felix gawked at him from the distance.
He built himself a spot where he could watch the new kid from afar without being acknowledged. Everyone seemed to be braver than him, getting close to the boy and introducing themselves eagerly.
Felix was sure everyone thought the same as him. They were nice and polite, the girls blushed whenever Hyunjin spared a glance at them and the boys aspired to be like him, everyone showered the mysterious dark boy in praises and compliments, he wasn’t lacking any friends or girls to hang out with.
Felix looked at himself in the large mirror across his room, taking in his own features.
His eyes were nice, but he despised everything else about himself. His button nose was too round for his liking, his cheeks chubby and too childish, his lips too plump, his hair plain and dark brown, flat against his temples.
He thought about Hyunjin.
About his sharp alluring eyes, his perfectly shaped nose, the beauty mark under his eye that only added to the perfect mix. And his lips.
Felix brought his fingers to his own lips, feeling them up and tracing the shape. He observed his own and compared them to Hyunjin’s rosy full lips.
He wished he had been born with his face.
He didn’t tell anyone about his obsession with the new kid. He tried to avoid him as much as possible, seeing as he couldn’t react differently from the girls whenever he was close to the boy.
Hwang Hyunjin is pretty. He kept thinking, and found himself daydreaming about Hyunjin more than he’d like to admit.
His homework kept being delivered unfinished because he never managed to write a word without thinking about the black-haired that sat only a table away from him.
Even when the teachers were doing their lessons, Felix’s mind wandered to weird places and his eyes to the perfect figure of the man a table away from him.
He followed his every move and drooled at the slightest shift.
Hyunjin caught him once, he turned his beautiful face in Felix’s direction and arched an eyebrow, weirded out when he realized Felix wasn’t looking away and only stared with more awe.
He probably looked like a creep, but he only realized a few seconds after. His face turned bright red and he started sweating trying to find something in the classroom to help him disguise his intense staring.
Hyunjin only frowned and looked at him with disgust. Felix cursed himself later for behaving like a stalker in front of Hyunjin.
It wasn’t until a few weeks went on that Felix realized that what he felt for Hyunjin wasn’t only admiration or jealousy, but love.
He was thirteen and he had never had a girlfriend or a boyfriend, he never liked anyone before, he never touched himself unlike his friends who seemed too excited to always discuss about sex or make dirty jokes.
So it took him a while to understand why his heart throbbed like that when Hyunjin passed by in front of him in the hallway, or why his knees buckled every time the boy laughed and threw his head back in that characteristic Hyunjin way, or how the tips of his fingers tickled whenever Hyunjin peeked out his tongue when he was taking notes.
He found himself smiling at those scenarios quite often, having to hide his stretched lips before anyone could catch him.
_______________________
Felix stared at himself in that same mirror eight years later.
His room had a few renovations over the years, but it was pretty much the same. The room was the same, but he wasn’t.
Or at least he hoped he wasn’t.
He sighed as he combed his hair with his fingers, using a new product to style his blond locks. It was the first thing he did when he became an adult.
He dyed his hair.
He hated a lot of stuff about himself, but his hair was the easiest to change. Only a bit of dye and a nice haircut were enough to boost his confidence for a while.
Until he remembered his face was still the same, and that there was no way to change it.
His cheeks seemed to lose fat when he reached puberty, but it wasn’t enough for him. He wanted to look masculine and sharp, and his features didn’t help at all.
So he stopped eating.
When he realized that not only his face but also his body were getting leaner and sharper, his happiness was back. He felt good, he felt happy when he looked at himself in the mirror and even dared to flirt back with some people throwing shameless compliments at him.
But it didn’t last for long. After a few weeks his confidence was again floor leveled.
It was never enough for him, and his eating habits were starting to show off, warning him with a few visits to the doctor.
He knew what he did was wrong, he knew it was bad for his body and health. But if he didn’t do it, his mind didn’t leave him alone.
It was a matter of choosing if he’d rather have mental or physical health. Although he knew he could never have either of those as much as he tried.
“Mom?” Felix peeked his head over the door to the living room, checking if his mom was still working there.
“Yes, Lixie?” Lina looked up from her laptop, pushing her glasses up with her index.
“Can you help me put this on?” Felix shyly showed his mom the small package he was carrying and the beauty blender on his other hand, biting his lips nervously.
“You wanna wear makeup?” Lina didn’t judge him a single time, and Felix was so grateful for that. He knew he wasn’t the child someone would wish having, but he appreciated Lina’s efforts to try to understand her son nonetheless.
“Mhm.” Felix nodded, sitting down on the couch in front of his mother. “Do you think it will cover up my freckles?”
“Your freckles? What’s wrong with your freckles, sweetheart?” Lina frowned, putting away her laptop and rubbing her soft fingers over her son’s cheeks.
“Nothing. I just don’t like them. Can you cover them up for me, please?” Felix tried not to make a big deal out of it, and also avoided the detail of his young self trying to tear his skin apart to get rid of the dots staining his face.
“I can. But let me tell you freckles are not ugly, Lixie.”
But I am.
Lina took the foundation package and started applying the product in soft taps, humming in the process.
“This is high coverage, you’ll need to set it with some powder if you don’t want it to get all over your clothes.” Lina was cautious as she kept covering Felix’s marks.
“Do you wear this as well?”
“Me?” Lina hummed. “I do when we go out sometimes. Why, sweetie?”
“You used to have freckles too.” Felix pointed out the fainting dots on his mother’s face, he remembered them being so noticeable back in the day.
“They just get fainter with time, but I used to have the same amount as you or even more.”
“Really?” Felix’s eyes brightened at the reveal. “What did you do to get rid of them?”
“I didn’t do anything, Lixie.” Lina chuckled, setting the product with a few more taps before nodding in content. “The years did it for me.”
“How is it?” Felix sprinted off to grab the small portable mirror in the bathroom and returned to the living room, turning to the faint sunlight seeping through the open window and counting three before opening his eyes.
“Woah.”
He smiled widely, turning his face in different angles to make sure it wasn’t an illusion and his freckles were indeed gone.
“Is that me?” He joked, making flirty faces at the mirror and touching his hair in the process.
Lina laughed and shook her head in disbelief.
“It doesn’t look like you at all.”
“That’s perfect.” Felix said absentmindedly, realizing his mom heard it and was now frowning in disapproval.
“Lix.” She knitted her brows together, Felix felt a mix between sadness, anger and helplessness in her tone.
He rolled his eyes and pretended he was joking.
“You just did my makeup so well! How am I supposed to go out without this from now on?” He pouted, earning a soft giggle from Lina.
“Come here, I’ll show you how to do it properly in case you wanna try on your own.” Lina patted the spot in front of her on the couch and made sure that Felix had the mirror with him to explain the areas that needed more product and the ones who tended to get more oily.
Felix listened carefully and thanked God that his mom was so open-minded and understanding. He was a difficult child, but if it hadn’t been for Lina he would’ve stopped existing long ago.
Felix was tidying up their mess when Lina spoke up again with a nervous voice.
“So… I had a talk with Seojun.”
Felix smiled, he always found it endearing how his mom brought up her boyfriend anxiously, he was sure she had been waiting for the right moment to speak up for weeks.
“Yeah? What kind of talk?”
“You know… About life, and how we’re getting older every day. It’s kind of difficult to keep our relationship standing, living so far away from each other.” Lina bit her lips and sighed, finding Felix nodding at her.
He understood what she meant. Lina had felt forced to stay in their native town because of Felix and his incapacity to stay alone without pushing his body to harmful limits.
“If you want to leave I understand, mom. You can’t stay here forever taking care of me, I’m already twenty-one.” Felix didn’t think he could manage without Lina, but it was too selfish of him to keep her there all for himself and prevent her from living her own life. “You’ve been dating for six years, as much as he visits us from time to time I’m sure it’s not enough for you.”
“Don’t talk nonsense. I won’t leave you.” Lina frowned, offended at her son’s proposal.
“But–”
“We talked about it.” Lina stopped Felix’s excuses. “And the capital is not far from here, Seojun would be able to lead his business from here without a problem.
“Here?” Felix blinked.
“Yeah. Would you like us to move together, Felix?” Lina batted her lashes slowly, but Felix could tell how excited she was, the sparks on her eyes and her nervous fingers gave it away.
“Like, the three of us? In the same house?”
“Well, and Seonjun’s son. But he’s in college just like you so I doubt he’ll be home often.”
Felix had met Seojun, he was a great man. And he didn’t mind Felix’s condition or how susceptible he was to isolate and only search for his mom. They had dinner together sometimes and it felt like they were a normal family, he forgot about his body and face and laughed with them as he finished his plate, something he wasn’t used to doing that much.
And Lina was so happy with Seojun, her face gave it away, her excited giggles and the soft blush always spreading on her cheeks.
Felix didn’t know Seojun’s son, but he was sure he was as nice as him, and he wouldn’t have to create a brotherly bond with him because they were all aware they would never be brothers.
So maybe… maybe it could work.
Maybe he could give his mom the possibility of achieving her much deserved happiness.
“I think it’s a great idea.”
_________________
It took them two weeks to find a nice house to fit all of them and cozy enough to be called a home.
Felix didn’t participate much on the search, he was busy studying for his exams and dedicated himself to nod and smile at his mom whenever she came back with new pics for him to see. The truth was he didn’t care that much about the new house as long as he had his own room.
But Lina had already thought about that, she was very aware of her son’s need for personal space and loneliness sometimes, and she wasn’t thinking of making Felix share a room with Seojun’s son, someone Felix didn’t even know yet.
“Did you pack everything?” An excited Lina rushed into Felix’s room and took a long look around trying to find stuff out of place, but he didn’t find any.
“Yeah, I already brought the boxes to the van.” He informed.
“Then what are you doing? Let’s go!” Lina was gone as fast as she showed up.
Felix stayed there for a few more minutes. It was hard to say goodbye to a room that had been his safe place for so long. He had felt like a caveman on more occasions than he could count, succumbing to his dark thoughts and hiding inside his room for days or even weeks without letting the sunlight hit his skin.
And of course, he grew up there as well. The marks of his slowly increasing height were still engraved on one of the corners of the wall, and his old toy box rested empty in the ground even though it had been full at some point.
But his eyes found another spot that brought him an even more nostalgic feeling, a mix between sadness and happiness.
The mirror.
Mirrors weren’t something he enjoyed looking at, mostly because it was always him waiting at the other side.
He remembered the amount of times he looked at himself in that mirror, the days he used to get naked and grab his body searching for more spots to hate about himself, the tears that kept spilling down his cheeks whenever he looked to his lean thighs and arms, feeling a hot pointed pain jabbing his throat.
But there were also good times. Like when he dyed his hair.
He felt pretty, too much to keep his eyes away from the reflecting object and ended up sleeping on the ground only to stare at his reflection because he knew his joy would come to an end.
Felix let out one more deep sigh before turning around and leaving all those memories to bury along with the house.
Lina started driving the moment he hopped in the car. Felix sighed as he felt the anxious side eyeing coming from his mother, who had noted his mood swing.
“Are you okay, Lixie?”
“I am.”
Lina gulped down before the grip on the steering wheel turned looser. She looked disturbed. Felix couldn’t help but feel bad that his mom was sad when she was supposed to be enjoying moving in with her partner because of him.
“Do you think this was a mistake? Should we go back?” Lina kept concerning over the same topic for days, although Felix was sure she wouldn’t be doubting that much if it wasn’t for him.
“I told you every time you asked me, mom. This isn’t a mistake, it’s a step forward.” Felix leaned his hand on Lina’s thigh and rubbed a comforting pattern before flashing a sunshine smile at her. “So cut it with the sad face and allow yourself to get excited.”
Lina smiled back at him and sighed, showing relief and a few nerves that were slowly building up as they got closer to their next home.
“Soejun will arrive in half an hour, you can start unpacking if you want.” Lina opened the front door and let Felix in first.
The house was pretty big, Felix wasn’t used to living so comfortably since his parents got divorced but it was nice to see so much space.
There was a huge backyard behind the kitchen, but he decided to inspect that area later and go to his room first.
He blinked in surprise when the white door he opened revealed a huge, clean and light room. The sunlight was seeping inside freely thanks to the ceiling-to-floor windows giving a view back to the forest. It was a tranquil space, and Felix couldn’t wait to see how cozy it’d feel to lay on his bed while looking at the rainy forest once the season came.
He was unpacking while humming some songs, bringing boxes from the van he shared with Lina and helping her out with some heavy items.
“Felix! Come out, sweetie!” Felix didn’t need his mom to say Seojun was there to know it. Her voice had become slightly higher in pitch and she was nervous, but also happy.
He came out of his room and went down the stairs to find Lina and Seojun sharing a warm hug. He smiled at the view, not used to watching two parent figures interacting so nicely.
“You’re here!” Felix made his way inside the large living room, accepting Seojun’s offer when he stretched out his arms and hugging him as well.
“Felix! You’ve grown up since the last time I saw you.” Seojun ruffled the boy’s hair and complimented him, knowing Felix appreciated those words a lot. “You look good. I’m happy you agreed to live with us!”
Felix nodded and smiled back at his step-dad, turning his head to the boxes laying carelessly on the floor behind the man, where he spotted the back of a black-haired.
That must be his son. He thought, looking at the lean back of the guy digging inside one of the boxes.
Seojun seemed to realize Felix’s curiosity, so he quickly turned to his son and extended his arm in his direction.
“Hyunjin, come here! Let me introduce you.”
However, Felix’s smile was erased from his face when Seojun’s son turned around.
Hwang Hyunjin is pretty. Hwang Hyunjin is nice. Hwang Hyunjin is smart. Hwang Hyunjin is funny. I like Hwang Hyunjin.
I’m gonna ask Hwang Hyunjin out.
A thirteen year old Felix repeated to himself as he walked through the corridors and inside the empty classroom by the end of the hallway.
He held the box on his hands tightly, swallowing the lump keeping him from breathing and shivering at the cold sweat going down his temples and wrenching the spot below his armpits.
He saw Hyunjin sitting alone at one of the tables by the end of the classroom, reading a book.
He was alone.
He was always alone.
Why was he alone, if there were so many people wanting to be friends with him?
Felix bit the inside of his cheek and gathered all his courage to start walking again. He thought his presence would be acknowledged before he reached his goal, but it wasn’t like that.
Hyunjin kept his head down, invested in his read as he leaned back on the wall.
Felix cleared his throat.
Hyunjin looked up.
But none of them said anything.
Hyunjin raised an eyebrow in question as he eyed Felix from head to toe. The freckled boy squirmed in place, nervously shifting his weight from one foot to the other.
It was harder than he’d advanced.
“Are you gonna say something?” Hyunjin talked, he seemed bored. Bored and bothered.
“Um… I–” Felix played with the box in his hands and scratched the cardboard showing on the sides, he was feeling anxious and his heart was about to explode.
It was the first time he was seeing Hyunjin from up close as well, and he couldn’t calm his erratic heartbeat once he discovered that the boy was indeed perfect.
Everything about him was perfect.
His laugh, his hair, his eyes, his lips, his hands, his voice.
But Felix couldn’t voice out his thoughts. There was something keeping him from going further.
So instead, he left the black box on top of the same table Hyunjin was sitting on and waited for the boy to open it.
Hyunjin did open it, a breathless laugh came out of him after he saw the pink hearts glued to the inside of the box and the envelope resting on top of a brown teddy bear.
“Are you really confessing to me right now?” Hyunjin laughed out loud once again, and Felix nodded nervously, letting a shy smile ghost over his lips. “For fuck’s sake.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes, and his expression quickly changed to an angry one.
Felix started backtracking the moment he understood his feelings weren’t reciprocated, but Hyunjin didn’t leave it there.
“Did you really think I’d go out with you?” Hyunjin looked at Felix from head to toe with a look of disgust spreading on his features. “Are you even a boy? Or are you a girl?”
“I–” Felix swallowed once and again, trying to keep the sobs back and the tears unshed. “I’m a boy.”
“What did you say? I didn’t hear you.” Hyunjin scoffed, taking one of the origami hearts Felix had taken so long to make between his fingers and throwing it at the freckled boy carelessly.
Even if it was a piece of paper, it hit Felix with the force of a bullet.
The first tear rolled down his cheek, he reached out quickly to wipe it off with the paw of his hoodie but Hyunjin didn’t miss it.
“What a crybaby.” He rolled his eyes. “If you can’t take a ‘no’, you shouldn’t have come in the first place.”
Felix fisted his hands by his sides, bowing his head down as more tears spilled from his eyes. He felt hopeless and deeply hurt, and he didn’t know what to do to stop Hyunjin’s noxious words.
“You were trying to date me when you don’t even know me.” Hyunjin said in despair. “You’re not that sure you like me now, are you?”
Felix didn’t reply. His throat was burning and he was sure a hopeless wail would exit his mouth if he dared to speak.
“Get out of my sight.” Hyunjin said as he kicked the box on the table, letting it drop to the ground and going back to his book.
The endless origami pink hearts scattered all over the dirty ground, some of them reached Felix’s feet and got wet with the tears silently escaping him.
Seeing as something he’d put so much effort into got despised and shattered by the one person he admired and liked the most made his heart wreck in the most hurtful way.
So he did as he was told and exited the classroom quickly, running to the nearest bathroom and locking himself inside one of the stalls.
That single act marked a before and after in his life. Everything started to crumble after that moment.
His life turned into a living hell.
And it was all because of Hwang Hyunjin.
Hyunjin walked over to his father, his eyes didn’t leave Felix for a single moment. It was obvious that both of them were surprised to see each other in that context, knowing it meant that their parents were dating and they were about to become stepbrothers.
Felix’s breath caught in his throat as more flashing memories rushed back to him.
“Ohh, look at that. Someone stole your clothes?” A young Hyunjin fake pouted at a young Felix who had gotten out of the school gym lockers . The freckled boy tried to cover his half-naked body as he walked over the hallway, spotting his clothes on Hyunjin’s hands.
“Give them back!” He yelled, trying to cover the crack of his voice.
“Why? You don’t enjoy being naked?” Hyunjin chuckled, looking at his friends who only copied his expression. “Don’t worry, nobody here is interested in your body.”
Felix stopped in his tracks and swallowed, realizing the large number of people gathering around him, hearing every laugh and teasing word going straight to his heart and scarring it for life.
He covered up his body with his hands and tried to get the towel on his lower half to rest higher, the intense stares and disgusted looks he was receiving were enough to build a hard pressure in his chest.
But even though his ears were listening to every sound, his eyes were only focused on one thing. Or rather, in one person.
Hyunjin.
Hyunjin’s laughing face, the disinterest written all over his face, the laugh Felix had adored for so long aiming for him as a weapon, jabbing his insides and tearing his skin, making him insecure at his worst moment.
And only because he confessed.
“This is Hyunjin. He’s the same age as you, Lix. I really hope you get along.” Seojun introduced them happily, smiling at the two boys who could only look at each other.
They shared different feelings through their eyes. Hyunjin was still showing a stoic blank face, but there were also traces of surprise and disturbance. Meanwhile, Felix was sweating and he had gone completely pale. His eyes were round and fearful and his lips pressed tightly in a fine line.
Hyunjin reached out his hand, probably not thinking of telling his father that they already knew each other.
Felix looked at his hand.
That same hand he had stared at for hours when the black-haired took notes, or when he drew small sketches on his notebook.
He was about to touch them for the first time, but he could’ve never felt more repulsed by the idea.
After scolding his wobbly wrist and trembling fingers, Felix reached out and shook Hyunjin’s hand quickly before pushing away as further as possible, as if he had been burned by the touch.
“It’s nice to meet you.” Felix cleared his throat, trying to cover his anxiety.
Hyunjin nodded but didn’t reply. He was just as mysterious and rude as he was back then.
“Hyunjin! I was looking forward to meeting you as well, I hope you like the room your father picked out for you.” Lina smiled, she looked a lot like Felix when she laughed.
She took a step closer and tried to hug Hyunjin. Lina was a touchy person after all, and very caring.
That’s why her face fell completely when Hyunjin took a step back quickly and prevented her from reaching him.
The aura quickly shifted, it was uncomfortable and Felix could tell her mother’s deep hurt only by looking at her. He felt bad that Hyunjin turned the cold shoulder to her as well.
“Hyunjin.” Seojun used a scolding tone for his son, but Hyunjin only side eyed his father and sighed before turning around and picking up one of his boxes.
“I’m sorry.” Hyunjin apologized to Lina before leaving the place.
“You know it’s not personal, right?” Seojun frowned in worry when he found the kicked puppy expression on his girlfriend.
“Of course. I’ll try to be more cautious from now on.” Lina smiled sadly and looped one of her arms around Seojun’s middle.
Felix could tell there was something going on that he didn’t know, but he wasn’t interested in knowing either.
He had just discovered that his childhood bully had become his stepbrother somehow, and even if eight years had passed already, the black-haired seemed as twisted and disrespectful as he was.
“Felix, sweetie.” Lina took his hands and smiled. “Don’t be too harsh on him, yeah? He’s like that.”
Of course, his mother didn’t know anything about Felix’s insecurities and lack of mental health being caused by Hyunjin. She didn’t even know Felix was bullied in the first place.
“You said he won’t be home often, right?” He tried to make it sound as natural as possible, masking the anxiety spilling from his pores when he thought of sharing his home with Hyunjin.
“He’s busy with college and spends more time with his friends than with me. I hope he starts staying home more frequently now that we’re all settled together.” Seojun’s sad face reached Felix, it was normal for boys their age to start flying away at some point.
He was a different case because he depended on his mom, but all his friends were already looking forward to moving out on their own.
“It would be cool if you could keep a good relationship. Can you try for me, Lixie?” Lina begged her son with shiny eyes, it was clearly important for her that the whole moving out together thing came out good. “You don’t need to behave as brothers, but maybe being friends wouldn’t be too bad, right?”
Felix swallowed.
He doubted he would be able to be friends with Hyunjin, but he could try to stop hating him for his mom.
“Okay.” He nodded and hugged Lina once again before leaving to finish up unpacking.
More memories kept coming back as he pulled the items out of the boxes, his chest felt tight and ached the more he thought about Hyunjin.
How in love he was with Hyunjin, and how hurtful it was to get harmed by him. Nobody’s words and acts had scarred Felix the way Hyunjin’s did.
There was only one box remaining, he was exhausted and his back hurt like crazy from carrying heavy boxes up and down the stairs and contorting to set everything into place.
He loved his new room, but it had required a lot of work and sweat.
It was already nighttime when he finished. The once bright forest was completely dark and only receiving the light from inside Felix’s room.
Felix was bringing out some empty boxes to the hallway when he saw another beam of light coming from the room next to his.
The door was open ajar and there were some noises coming out, a relieved huff followed by the creaking sound of a desk chair.
He bit the inside of his cheek as he left the box on the floor and started making his way towards the room.
After taking a deep breath, he knocked softly and pushed the door open without hearing a response first.
Hyunjin was sitting on a desk chair carelessly, giving his back to Felix and staring out of the large window with a similar view to Felix’s.
A second of silence passed before the black-haired spoke up.
“Why are you here?” Hyunjin asked without turning around.
Felix was surprised Hyunjin knew it was him without sparing a glance. His whole body shivered at the soft but deep voice coming from the man sitting in front of the window. It was kind of different to the one he remembered.
“I think we should keep a neutral relationship between the two of us if we’re going to live together.” Felix explained, playing with his fingers on his back.
He was nervous, but he didn’t let it show.
“I think that’s the longest sentence you’ve ever said to me.” Hyunjin chuckled airily, using his feet to swirl himself on the chair to finally meet Felix’s face. “Are you fine with that, though?”
Hyunjin stood up, Felix couldn’t help but flinch with every step he took closer, picking on the skin of his fingers harder.
“Fine with what?” He tried to look composed, but he was a scaredy cat on the inside.
Hyunjin fit his hands inside his pockets as he took long slow steps until he leaned his shoulder on the door frame, standing only a few inches away from Felix.
Felix was sure he had never been so close to Hyunjin. Not even when he confessed.
He hadn’t changed at all.
Hyunjin’s eyes were the same, although maybe a bit darker. His gaze was different somehow, sad in some way. His nose and lips stood as perfect and alluring as always, but the shape of his jaw was different. He looked more masculine, more grown up.
His neck was wider as well and he was still taller than Felix. The body and face Felix had always wished having was in front of him, and he could only feel disappointment in himself.
“Being neutral with me.” Hyunjin’s eyes also roamed over Felix’s features, although he didn’t let a single hint of his thoughts show on his face.
“I think we should forget about it for our parents sake.” Felix would never be able to forget what Hyunjin did to him, but he could bury it deep into himself and try to keep a formal and respectful relationship with him for the time being.
“So you don’t like me anymore?” The corner of Hyunjin’s mouth started curling upwards, but it didn’t go further than that.
“What?” Felix frowned.
“You won’t confess to me again, right freckles?” Hyunjin took a tempting step closer to Felix, it was suffocating already and it made Felix’s fingers cold and tingly.
“I would never like someone like you again.” He spat, more serious than ever.
He wasn’t willing to let an asshole screw his confidence and mental health for life again.
“Good.” Hyunjin smirked faintly, pushing his face even closer to Felix’s as he let his eyes drop to his lips. Felix’s breathing quickened, but he was too taken aback to say anything and too mortified to act up. “Because I’d have to be mean to you again if you did.”
As if he had played a cozy slow song to a feral animal, Felix watched as Hyunjin calmed down and pulled one of his hands out of his pockets.
It was weird to have him so close, and it was even more weird that Hyunjin was taking his time to look at him. There was no disgust in his eyes anymore, but something else Felix couldn’t quite muster.
Felix froze up, flashbacks kept chasing him and filling his mind with the void feelings his past self went through. He looked up to Hyunjin, the person who had caused all that damage, the one who made him the way he was at that moment.
However, even if he found some similarities, he still felt like there was something off, something different that changed part of him.
Hyunjin looked tired. He looked mentally exhausted, but Felix didn’t know why.
He jumped on his spot when he felt cold fingers brush against his cheek, quickly slapping away Hyunjin’s hand and frowning in confusion, anger and anxiety.
Hyunjin touched him.
He touched him, and Felix didn’t know why he was feeling like that.
He didn’t even know what he was feeling.
“What the fuck are you doing?” Felix spat angrily, but didn’t move further.
“Am I not allowed to touch my stepbrother?” Hyunjin joked, biting his lip to keep back the smirk tugging on his lips.
Felix’s breathing quickened and his body felt hot all of a sudden. His chest was tight and he was lacking air, he didn’t understand a single thing about his body or what it was trying to let him know.
It was a mix of emotions that left him weak and barely standing.
“We’re not stepbrothers.” Felix emphasized while Hyunjin tilted his head to the side, ready to debate about it. “And no. You’re not allowed to touch me in the slightest.”
“You must be really mad at me.” Hyunjin sighed, his expression was showing a different kind of feeling away from all the playfulness and happiness. “How are we going to be neutral if I can’t even touch you?”
“I don’t want you to touch me.” Felix wasn’t joking. The only thought of Hyunjin laying a hand on him raised nausea to his throat. “If it was up to me, I wouldn’t talk to you at all.” Hyunjin didn’t say anything and kept staring, emotionless as Felix kept going. “But I don’t want my mom to find out the culprit of me turning out like this is you.”
Hyunjin’s face faltered for a second, his unbothered expression switched to a worried one, or even regretful, Felix didn’t know. But his calmness came back the next moment, and Felix decided it wasn’t worth giving it a thought.
“So don’t touch me, don’t talk to me and don’t even look at me unless it’s necessary.” Felix took a step back, finally feeling some air reaching his lungs when Hyunjin wasn’t so close.
“Don’t get so high on yourself, blondie.” Hyunjin rolled his eyes. “I assure you you’re the last person I’m interested in.”
Felix was met with darkness and coldness once Hyunjin closed the door on his face, leaving him outside and completely lost.
He blinked and shook his head, finally feeling some sense knocking onto him. The feelings he had bottled up for so long were showing, bad or good, everything was surfacing at that exact moment and his body wasn’t in condition to keep up with it.
He felt drained, as if solely having a conversation with Hyunjin had been enough to bury him back into his cave.
He walked on wobbly legs back to his room, not bothering on taking off his clothes or getting rid of the empty boxes before falling down on his bed.
His limbs ached and his heart was still racing, the more still he was, the more he could feel the hurt and tormenting rush of the past coming to him.
Tears built up in his eyes. He didn’t understand. He really couldn’t understand why of all people, it had to be Hyunjin who was back into his life.
Why, when he had tried so hard to forget about him? Why, when his love for him had only made it more difficult to bear in the past? Why did he have to coexist with someone who had destroyed him from the inside only as a pastime?
The sweat kept rolling down his temples, but he trembled, the coolness of loneliness was a worse feeling than he remembered.
He got rid of his hoodie, throwing it somewhere and bundling up on top of his bed, bringing his knees to his chest to comfort himself.
He couldn’t tell his mom about it, not without breaking her heart and putting her in a difficult position where she’d feel forced to choose between the man she was in love with and her son.
Felix raised his head and remembered the mirror hanging on the wall in front of his bed. It was something his therapist had recommended, but it wasn’t until then that Lina listened and made sure to have it set at Felix’s new bedroom.
However, Felix didn’t think it was a good idea.
Every time he’d wake up, he’d see himself. He’d see his imperfections, everything he hated so much about himself again and again, every day of his life.
He stood up, blankly staring at himself like he was used to doing.
The tears came back, but he didn’t let them spill.
Was Hyunjin looking at him because he was even uglier than he was as a kid? Did his cheeks get fuller? Or his foundation faded and showed his freckles?
Felix touched his face and examined it, cursing himself for being born like that.
Maybe if I didn’t look like this, he would have liked me.
The tears he tried to keep back started running down his cheeks, tearing him apart but not letting out a sound. He kept a normal face as more wet drops escaped him. He was so tired of himself, of fighting against something he wasn’t able to change.
His eyes were puffy and his nose red, the foundation started fading following the path of his tears, leaving some areas uncovered and showing his imperfect skin, the dots came back in stripes, reminding him of why he was covering them up in the first place.
He really hated himself.
Of course Hyunjin would hate him too.