Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

The house was drowned in silence when the door creaked open. Felix lay on his side, still beneath the covers with his eyes tightly shut.

He heard the soft shuffle of Hyunjin’s steps, the thuds of clothing being shed, and felt the bed dip as a weight sank beside him. Hyunjin released a tired sigh once his body reached the mattress, his arms circling Felix’s whole body, pulling him close and nuzzling his neck like he was searching for his personal pacifier.

For a moment, Felix almost let himself pretend. Pretend he hadn’t seen, hadn’t found, hadn’t read. Pretend his chest wasn’t full of secrets.

He flinched, his body shrinking for a brief moment as memories of what he found came rushing to him.

“Are you okay?” He whispered with a trembling voice.

“You’re awake?” Hyunjin hummed, surprised.

“Couldn’t sleep,” even if the reason was completely different from what he knew Hyunjin would think. “Are you okay?”

Hyunjin sighed. His hot breath hit Felix’s thin skin on his neck, he swallowed.

“Now I am.”

Felix bit the insides of his cheeks, the memories were getting the most of him, he had questions, lots of them, but was he ready to hear the answer?

He let out a ragged breath when he realized Hyunjin was hugging him the same way he did with his teddy. Felix used to lay on his bed and wrap his arms around the plushie, sink his face on the soft fur and clutch on it like it would disappear.

And that’s exactly what Hyunjin was doing.

“Hyunjin,” he said, this time seriously. He turned on his other side, facing him. “Don’t lie to me,” he held his face and forced him to look down. The room was dark, but the moonlight provided enough light to reveal the redness on Hyunjin’s eyes. His spark was gone. “Are you okay?”

Hyunjin swallowed profusely. His eyes watered, taking Felix aback. He’d never seen Hyunjin cry. He was too guarded and distant, able to sort his thoughts and pretend nothing was wrong. He gave the wrong impression, the bad guy who didn’t feel pain or empathy.

But he felt more than anyone else.

“I can’t talk about it right now,” Felix didn’t judge him. He understood how Hyunjin felt. His Adam apple bobbed uncontrollably, showing just how much he was trying to keep his tears back.

Felix nodded and pushed their foreheads together, for a moment forgetting about his new discovery.

“It’s okay,” he caressed Hyunjin’s hair. “You don’t have to hold them back.”

He felt it under his fingertips, the clench and unclench of Hyunjin’s jaw. He heard how he gritted his teeth. How his breathing turned sharp and shaky.

“Can I touch you?” Hyunjin’s fists clenched by Felix’s sides. “I won’t do anything. I just— need to touch you,” he gasped, every time he talked a sob threatened to spill. “I need to hold you.”

It felt like his heart was tearing apart, knowing Hyunjin would rather bleed in silence than lean on him.

But he was willing to wait. Felix swallowed hard, holding back the storm of questions burning in him, the memory of what he’d found still raw against his skin.

“Yeah,” he inched closer, slotting perfectly against Hyunjin’s body. “Hold me.”

He shut his eyes tightly, letting Hyunjin’s head rest against his chest, threading his little fingers in between his dark strands.

He sucked in a breath when Hyunjin’s cold hands slipped below his shirt, slow and tempting. Even if Hyunjin needed the closure, it was obvious he wouldn’t go further than what Felix could take. So he spread his huge hands on Felix’s back, held his waist and drew them all the way up to his shoulderblades, the fingertips gently peeking on the back of his neck.

And all along, he made sure to hide his face on Felix’s warm chest. Although his breathing was irregular, it managed to still at some point until the only air he took inside was flooded with Felix’s scent.

“I need you,” Hyunjin’s voice trembled. “You can live without me, I know that. But without you, Felix…without you I’m nothing.”

Felix’s breath caught in his throat, the weight of Hyunjin’s confession settling between them. Felix wanted to answer, to reach out, but his mind was already spiraling back to the moment that had changed everything. 

Felix’s throat burned, his chest aching as Hyunjin’s words echoed in his head.

Why did he have to go snooping? Why couldn’t he just leave the questions rot in the dark?

***

The night was too heavy to sleep. Felix lay on his back, eyes burning holes into the ceiling, his thoughts looping over the conversation he overheard. He hadn’t caught everything, just enough to know there was something Hyunjin wasn’t telling him. Something important.

The silence between them gnawed at him. Hyunjin never explained, never opened up, not even when Felix tried to offer him space to talk. He just carried his secrets like armor, leaving Felix circling around them, desperate for even the smallest crack.

Felix turned onto his side, dragging the pillow close, but it didn’t ease the weight in his chest. How could he make sense of someone who gave him everything in touches and closeness, yet nothing in words?

His mind chased itself in circles until one thought began to rise above the rest, insistent and reckless: if Hyunjin wouldn’t tell him, maybe he could find the answer himself.

Felix’s heart beat faster at the idea. Sneaking into Hyunjin’s room was wrong, stupid, maybe unforgivable, but the curiosity was unbearable. He needed something, some sign to piece together the parts of Hyunjin he wasn’t allowed to see.

Before he could talk himself out of it, Felix slipped from under the blankets. 

The house was quiet, every step down the hallway brought his pulse to speed up. He paused outside Hyunjin’s door, hand hovering over the knob, his breath caught between guilt and anticipation.

Then, with a shallow breath, he pushed it open.

Everything was the same. It was curious how every time he stepped a foot into that room, it still looked the same. The guitar, the easel, the art supplies scattered all over the desk, the sketchbook. Everything was exactly the same, like time had stuck in there.

Felix took a sharp breath in. Even if he knew Hyunjin wouldn’t get home just yet, he feared he’d get caught.

He tried to clear his head and look around again. He felt like he was missing something. Something important.

He pushed open the desk drawers, fingers shifting through pencils, quick sketches, a lighter, but nothing that felt like a secret. Nothing that explained the heaviness in Hyunjin’s eyes when he thought no one was looking.

Felix’s pulse quickened with each new drawer. It felt like a mission, one he’d already failed. Hyunjin was still a mystery, and Felix hated how much it mattered to him.

Finally, he let the drawer slide shut and leaned back against the wall, the weight of the silence pressing in. His legs folded awkwardly beneath him as he slid down until he was sitting on the floor, shoulders slumping.

A long sigh slipped out of him, shaky with defeat. His head thudded back against the wall, and for a moment he just sat there, staring at nothing, wondering if he’d ever manage to understand Hyunjin at all.

And then—

He saw it. Under the bed.

He crawled over, crouched to peek below the huge neat bed. He found dust, a few stray socks, and a box.

That box. 

‘School’ he read again. The same box Hyunjin was adamant Felix didn’t touch under any circumstances. The same box he’d snatched from his hands when he was trying to help him out.

He pulled it over, his head tilting up to glance back at the door just in case, then scanning the whole room. There were still some boxes around, thrown carelessly onto the floor, empty or unsealed.

That was the only box Hyunjin had bothered hiding.

Felix’s fingers trembled on the lid, his chest tight as if the box itself could bite back. He squeezed his eyes shut, drew in a shaky breath and lifted the lid. When he dared to look again, it was hesitant and slow, bracing himself for whatever waited inside.

It really seemed like school supplies. There was a backpack, the same one he used to wear back in the day. A huge bag full of pencils and lettering pens. A small stack of unused post-it’s.

His fingers brushed against something harder. His breath caught. He pushed the papers aside and froze.

Another box.

Smaller. Black.

Felix’s chest seized the moment his eyes landed on it. He knew it. He knew it too well. The edges, the clumsy paint rubbing off on the sides, the weight of memory it carried.

“No,” he whispered, the word barely leaving his throat. It couldn’t be. Hyunjin had thrown it away. He’d seen him do it. He remembered.

And yet… here it was.

His pulse hammered in his ears, disbelief warring with a desperate need to know. Maybe it was just a trick of his memory, maybe it only looked the same. He needed proof. He needed to touch it, open it, anything to make sure he wasn’t losing his mind.

With shaky hands, Felix reached for the black box.

Seconds passed, and he just couldn’t bring himself to open it. He looked at it, examined it, but as much as he wanted to deny it, he knew it was true. It was the box.

And even if he knew it, his heart pressed up against his chest once he got rid of the lid. Pink paper hearts stared back at him, weighing even heavier on his already bleeding heart.

“It’s not possible,” he whispered. Tears collected in his eyes as he reached out to bury his hand inside the deep pool of paper hearts.

The teddy bear.

Hyunjin kept the teddy bear. He had it all along. And not only the teddy bear, but the confession box he’d spent days preparing for him. The same box Hyunjin had thrown to the floor without a single pity look.

A folded paper lay right in the middle of the box. Felix gasped. It trembled along with his hand when he tried to unfold it. His hand clamping his mouth the very moment he realized.

His confession letter.

He dragged in air through his nose, trying to steady the storm in his chest, and fixed his watery eyes on the paper he clutched.

Hi Hyunjin,

I don’t know if you’ll even read this. We don’t really talk… only sometimes. But I wanted to say something anyway.

I like you. Not just like but…more. I don’t know the right word.

When you smile, it makes my chest feel funny, like it’s too small for my heart. I think you have the best smile in the whole world. You don’t smile at me much, but I’ve seen it. Your smile. It’s…really nice. It makes me feel warm, like when the sun comes in the window in the morning.

Maybe you’ll think this is dumb. Or maybe you’ll be mad. But I just wanted you to know. I couldn’t keep it in anymore.

— Felix.

Felix’s throat tightened the longer he stared at the crooked handwriting. The words blurred behind the tears in his eyes, and he had to suck in a ragged breath just to keep from choking on them. His fingers clenched around the paper, crumpling the edges.

He remembered too well how it felt, standing there ten years ago with his heart in his hands, only to have Hyunjin shove it back at him like it was nothing. 

He’d told himself he was stupid, too needy, too pathetic for thinking someone like Hyunjin could ever look at him that way. That rejection had burrowed deep, left him feeling small and unwanted in a way that never really went away.

And now, holding the proof of his own childish hope, the weight of it came crashing down all over again.

He sat carelessly on the floor, incapable of moving a single inch of his body. His unfocused gaze laid on the huge carton box.

‘School’

And then again, Felix’s heart thumped low in his chest. His eyes widened, the tears long forgotten as he hurled the letter just to grab onto something else.

The post-it’s.

Red, squared post-it’s.

He stood up hastily, practically running to his own room. He didn’t care about the noise of his feet whacking the polished floor. He dropped to the ground, pulled out his own memory box and discarded all the useless plushies he kept in there.

And right there, in a corner, completely buried by synthetic fur, there was a scad of red post-it’s piled up and joined by a clip.

Don’t be harsh on yourself. You’re perfect just the way you are.

Your freckles brighten my days the way stars brighten the night sky.

I wish I could see you smile all day long.

I had a dream about you last night. I thought an angel had come to take me away.

Felix gasped.

It was Hyunjin? 

All along, the person who left anonymous notes on his locker and bag, the person he considered his savior, the only one who comforted him in a world surrounded by pain.

It was Hyunjin? 

***

If only he hadn’t looked…

_________________

After a long sleepless night, Felix finally allowed himself to pry his eyes wide open. It was the first time ever since he started sleeping with Hyunjin that he couldn’t bring himself to rest. Usually, his mind would shut down the very moment he embraced him, but it was different this time.

Hyunjin didn’t seem to sleep much either, his arms kept contracting on Felix’s waist and small wails left his clamped lips from time to time. Felix just swallowed and let himself be used as a plushie, making sure his eyes didn’t lower enough to catch on Hyunjin’s face.

Light was overflowing the whole place. He blinked to adjust his view, sighing when the events of the previous night came back to him—his discovery, the questions, Hyunjin’s sudden vulnerability.

He spread his arms widely, cracking his limbs. 

Hyunjin wasn’t there. It was becoming usual for him to leave bed before Felix woke up.

The silence echoing all over the house was deafening. Felix watched the noise of his feet on the floor almost with the same caution as the previous night, although there was nothing to hide away from this time.

Nobody in the kitchen. Nobody in the living room either.

He huffed and fetched an apple to take as breakfast, dragging himself out to the backyard on autopilot.

His eyes zeroed in on the poolside the moment he crossed the sliding door, his apple bite sitting completely still in his mouth. He had no appetite. He was only eating because Hyunjin had gotten him used to three meals every day.

His throat clamped around the bitten fruit, making an attempt at swallowing. He walked to the spot. All along, his eyes wide as saucers, fearing he’d somehow fall back into that moment.

‘Hyunjin was the one to stop us. He said doing that to you would be stupid and disgusting. He pushed us away from you.’

Was Heeseo lying that day? 

Felix couldn’t discern the truth from fantasy anymore. He had imagined something like that happening so many times, Hyunjin feeling for him, that he still thought it was all in his head. 

What did it mean that he had saved his confession box for so long? And why did he fake to despise it back then if he was going to keep it? 

And the teddy bear smelled like him… Felix swallowed, so much information kept rushing into his head, he didn’t know what to think anymore, or what he wanted to think.

The same feeling bloomed every time he analyzed the situation objectively: what if Hyunjin had liked him all along?

But then again, it was all his imagination. Because how could Hyunjin like him when he had become his personal nightmare years ago? Why would Hyunjin insult him, despise him and treat him like he was worth nothing if he liked him? 

“What are you doing here?” Felix jolted at the soft voice, catching Hyunjin from the corner of his eye. He shrugged.

“The house is too quiet.”

“They went grocery shopping,” Hyunjin explained, wrapping himself on Felix’s back and hooking his chin on his shoulder.

He was doing that a lot lately. A lot of hugs. Lots of back hugs. Countless.

“I see.”

It was somehow tense. Felix had no words to describe it, they weren’t that distant even when they hated each other. Or at least it was a normal situation back then.

But things were different now. They had something going on, something that implied feelings. So why was it so difficult to talk and be around each other?

“Gimme a bite?” Hyunjin pouted, extending his neck to the apple Felix was holding.

He smiled and hovered it over Hyunjin’s lips, pulling from it when he saw his teeth sinking on the fruit.

“Is it good?”

Hyunjin nodded, swallowing, then placing a tender kiss on Felix’s exposed shoulder. Their eyes locked for a moment too long, both holding secrets they weren’t willing to share.

“Are you feeling better?” Felix asked.

Hyunjin hummed and nodded, his hands laying on the boy’s sides, riding his shirt up just a bit for his thumbs to feel the warm skin there.

“Thanks to you.”

“I didn’t do anything,” he gulped when Hyunjin got even closer, his breath hovering over his neck.

“You don’t need to,” the older boy pecked the crook of his neck next, nuzzling his face there. “Being here is more than enough.”

Felix laughed airily, turning and looping his arms over Hyunjin’s shoulders. 

“You’re so corny.”

“Yeah, I gotta admit I’m surprising myself,” Hyunjin chuckled, joining his forehead to Felix’s. “Why did you come out here?”

Felix shrugged again, pulling Hyunjin closer when he remembered he kinda had the right to kiss him whenever he pleased.

He pressed their lips together softly, melting when Hyunjin didn’t pull away, but right on started to reciprocate. He held his porcelain jaw and deepened the kiss just enough. Felix needed that kind of kiss, he needed to forget about everything that was haunting him, the speculations that bloomed every time he closed his eyes and traveled back to Hyunjin’s room, below his bed and into that box.

“I was looking for you,” he licked his own lips, pushing Hyunjin back a few steps. “You weren’t there when I woke up.”

“Does that mean you like waking up next to me?” Hyunjin grinned, his eyes switching from Felix’s rolling eyes to his stretched lips.

“Will you stop sneaking out in the morning if I say I do?” 

“Maybe.” 

Felix’s heart lurched when Hyunjin’s hands settled on his waist, pulling their bodies flush. He stepped in closer, closing the space between them until Hyunjin’s back met the wall. Hyunjin only tilted his head, lips curved in an unshaken smile, waiting for Felix’s answer.

“Then, maybe I like waking up next to you,” he smirked, their lips a breath away.

“How so?” Hyunjin raised a playful eyebrow.

“Because that way I don’t have to wait until I find you to do this,” he inched closer and wrapped their lips together. He put every doubt into the kiss, smiling when he realized how easy it was to get rid of the negative thoughts with a few pecks.

A few pecks that soon turned into something else. Something deeper, needier. Felix gasped when Hyunjin grunted, his fingers dipping harshly on his sides and pulling him closer, his tongue stroking the inside of his mouth as if he had been deprived for too long.

“Sorry,” Hyunjin’s breath tickled his skin, both of them breaking the kiss for a brief moment but still standing too close to stay away from temptation.

“Sorry?” He pushed their lips back together, his hands holding the elder’s head in place by the soft roots of his hair, pulling and pushing. “Why are you apologizing?”

“I just— don’t wanna pressure you,” Hyunjin managed to explain between heavy kisses.

Felix frowned.

It took him a few seconds to understand Hyunjin’s reaction. Once he could clear his mind and the fuss was over. 

His body betrayed him. Every nerve recoiling, every muscle leaning away, even as his heart screamed for more and his hands dragged Hyunjin closer. Felix’s lips begged to stay, but his body whispered otherwise.

Almost two weeks had passed since they last had sex, and almost the same time since the incident. Felix had time to think about it, swallow the information and find a way out of his gray thoughts.

He looked back to the poolside, his mind traveling to the moment on instinct, his skin remembered the disgusting touch of their hands, their sickening comments and most of all, the deep helplessness reeling in him every single second.

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me,” he whispered, frustration lacing his tone. “I want this. I want you to keep going. But—”

“It’s okay,” Hyunjin said when he didn’t seem to find the right words. “I understand. You don’t have to explain.”

Felix felt tears well in his eyes when Hyunjin reached out to stroke his cheek, a gentle smile spread on his lips. It really seemed like he understood. Felix’s chest loosened at Hyunjin’s smile, like a weight had slipped off his ribs.

“Thank you,” his shoulders sagged in relief while his eyes fought the sting away. “I’m sorry. I feel like a cocktease.”

Hyunjin chuckled airily and shook his head.

“Don’t you dare be sorry about this, angel.” He looked straight into his eyes, there wasn’t an ounce of doubt in him, not a single reproach. “You gotta watch out for yourself first.”

Felix plopped himself down on Hyunjin’s body, hiding his blushing face in his neck, flinching and then relaxing when Hyunjin’s hand started rubbing soothing circles on his back.

“Besides, I can always jerk off thinking about you,” Hyunjin pinched Felix’s sides, successfully tickling and eliciting a low laugh from the boy. “It’s not like it’d be the first time.”

Felix propped himself up on the other’s chest, staring up at him with wide eyes.

“You’ve jerked off thinking about me?”

Hyunjin laughed like it was the stupidest question he’d ever heard.

“Of course I have. Haven’t you?”

Felix cleared his raspy throat, suddenly heating up and averting Hyunjin’s raised eyebrow. “I mean, yeah. I told you you’ve always been my wet dream. But when have you—”

He stopped himself before he could say something overly embarrassing.

“You should be asking when I haven’t, blondie.”

Felix ducked his head, biting at his lip as warmth crept over his face, the shy smile tugging at him too stubborn to hide even as he tried.

“Don’t say stuff like that,” he fell back into his previous position, his hands sliding below the back of Hyunjin’s shirt.

“Don’t ask if you’re not ready for the answer,” Hyunjin chuckled, dipping his nose in blond hair and hugging Felix close.

The warmth of Hyunjin’s arms still lingered around Felix when a sharp clearing of a throat cut through the air. His blood ran cold, and the same shock flickered in Hyunjin’s eyes when they froze, locked in each other’s gaze for a heartbeat too long. Then, as if burned, they pulled apart only to find Lina standing at the doorway, her expression unreadable.

“We’re home,” she informed, then led herself back into the house.

Hyunjin and Felix shared another look.

Fantastic. 

“Fuck,” he ran his hands through his hair. There was no way of escaping now. It was the most obvious they had ever been, and they’d been caught right in it.

“Hey,” he walked sheepishly to sit on one of the kitchen stools, followed by Hyunjin.

“Good morning, Lixie,” Lina smiled brightly while she pulled out the groceries from the bags.

“Ohh, look who’s here!” Seojun showed up carrying a few more bags, the light on his face couldn’t be faked. “I’m happy to see you here today. Both of you.”

Felix cleared his throat. He felt awkward. His eyes seeked for Lina’s, cautious but still needful. But she didn’t respond, the smile on her lips was genuine and unrushed.

“Thanks.”

“Are you having lunch with us today?” Seojun asked. Hyunjin waited for Felix’s answer, eyeing him from the side.

“I’ll just have something quick, I’m hanging out with Ji later.” 

He caught Hyunjin’s figure slumping by his side, but convinced himself it was his own mind playing tricks on him. 

“But I was hoping we could spend some time together today, since you’re feeling better.” Lina pouted. “Just the two of us?”

Felix couldn’t help but scoff. Yeah, the two of them, just like she said the day of the barbecue. The suggestion alone made his stomach twist, a reflexive urge to refuse rising in his throat.

“We need to talk,” she added.

His breath caught. He swallowed hard, guilt pressing down on him as he realized she was right. He couldn’t keep dodging it forever. It was obvious she knew something by now, and he would be a coward to hide away this time as well.

He sighed and nodded. 

“Okay, I’ll cancel.”

Lina smiled once again, and he pulled out his phone to text Jisung a two paragraph apology that he was sure didn’t hold as much regret as he was feeling at the moment.

Hyunjin and Felix ended up cooking something simple for themselves and bringing it up to Felix’s room, just like they’d done the last few weeks. Eating with their parents had turned unpleasant, so they dodged them any occasion they could.

“How’s Ji doing?” Hyunjin played with his food.

“I don’t know, he was gonna tell me today.” Felix’s deep sigh and frown made it very obvious that he felt sorry to cancel his date with his friend.

“Why didn’t you tell me you were going out?” 

Felix raised an eyebrow. Hyunjin had been behaving strangely since the previous night. Too clingy. Controlling, even.

“Am I supposed to inform you of everything I do?” 

“No. No, that’s not it,” Felix was joking, but Hyunjin didn’t seem to catch on it. He was lost in his food, looking at it like it was the most interesting thing in the world.

“Hey,” Felix pushed the bed tray to the side, taking Hyunjin’s plate with it, and inched closer. He tilted his head up slowly, cupping his jaw, and hummed in question. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

Hyunjin nodded, his huge hands hovering above Felix’s smaller ones and bringing them down to rest on his neck.

“I’ll just miss you.”

Felix blinked at the sudden confession. 

Okay, that was weird.

But as he searched Hyunjin’s open expression, a frown tugged at his brow. 

“Jinnie,” he straddled him only to wrap himself around Hyunjin like a koala, his lips placing a soft kiss on his cheek. “I’ll miss you too.”

“You will?”

Felix nodded and flicked the disheveled strands of hair off Hyunjin’s eyes.

“Besides, I have a feeling my mom is gonna ask about us.”

“Any idea of what you’re gonna say?” Hyunjin tilted his head to the side, his hands yet again fleeing to Felix’s sides.

“I don’t know. The truth?” He sighed.

“The truth?” Hyunjin’s lips tugged by the corners. “You’re gonna tell her the whole story?”

Felix shook his head. That would be too much for Lina to process, also he wasn’t sure she’d look at Hyunjin with the same eyes if he told her about everything.

“Only the important stuff.” Hyunjin hummed low in his chest and nuzzled his nose from Felix’s chest to his neck. “I mean— if you don’t mind.”

“I don’t,” he kissed the spot below his earlobe and rested his chin there.

Felix kept twitching. He felt like a countdown was put on him, that at some point, all the tension in his body would explode all over the place.

He glanced down, his eyes widening for a few seconds. Something hard poked him in the middle.

“Please ignore it,” Hyunjin huffed, sinking his face further into Felix’s neck.

“You’re hard?” He asked, baffled.

“It’s an instantaneous reaction whenever you’re close,” Hyunjin excused himself, moving Felix away from his crotch just enough to reduce the friction. “I’ll take care of it when you leave.”

“You mean…?” He looked at the tent in Hyunjin’s pants, then up to his eyes, then back down. He bit his lips, the need to take care of it himself pooling in him.

Hyunjin nodded.

“I wanna do it,” he let out before he could stop himself. 

Hyunjin chuckled, pressing a feather kiss on his jaw. “I know you do, baby. But let’s not rush into anything, okay?”

Hyunjin was right, he was always right. Felix knew that even if he wanted to help and touch Hyunjin more than anything, his body would betray him at some point.

“But—”

“Felix?!” Lina’s loud knocking brought both boys to glance at the door, Felix sighed tiredly and leaned his forehead on Hyunjin’s shoulder. “Are you ready?”

“I don’t wanna talk to her.”

“She was a bitch for inviting people over that day,” Hyunjin brushed the blond hair away from his eyes. “But I’m sure she feels like shit for what happened.”

Felix nodded. “I know. I just…don’t feel like talking at all.” He sighed, pushing himself closer to Hyunjin, ignoring the blunt press of his bulge on his middle. “I wanna stay here, like this.” He pouted, “With you.”

Hyunjin smiled, his lower lip caught between his teeth trying to keep them from stretching further. “Stop being cute and open the door.”

Felix smiled back, detaching himself from Hyunjin with a low complaining grunt and dragging his feet to the door.

“Hey,” he turned, confused when Hyunjin threw a hoodie at him. “It’s chilly outside.”

But it wasn’t his hoodie. It was Hyunjin’s. Felix swallowed, his stomach curled and released a pool of butterflies that expanded all the way through his belly, making his heartbeat quicken. Hyunjin was lending him his clothes, he was even demanding for him to use them.

He looked at the hoodie, slipped it on and arranged the sleeves, too long for his shorter arms. The very moment he had it on, a light flowery scent made its way up to his nostrils. He breathed it in, basked in the comfort and calmness of the smell and looked back at Hyunjin.

“Thank you.”

Hyunjin gestured for him to come closer, waited until he was standing at the edge of the bed to crawl to him, standing on his knees, then adjusting the hood behind him. 

They were close, too close. Felix was practically breathing on Hyunjin’s face, although he didn’t seem to mind one bit.

“I’ll miss you, freckles.” Felix swallowed, his lips curling up slightly.

“Should I stay?” He said maybe a little too fast. There was nothing he wanted more than to spend every hour of the day stuck to the hip with Hyunjin.

“You should talk to your mom,” Hyunjin sighed and kissed Felix’s cheeks. “I won’t go anywhere. I’ll be waiting for you right here, okay?”

Felix nodded, closing his eyes when Hyunjin started leaving quick pecks on his lips.

“Then let me leave so I can be back sooner,” he laughed, pushing Hyunjin by the chest until he fell back on the mattress. “Bye!” 

Hyunjin chuckled behind him. Felix had to gather all his self control to step out of that room instead of banging inside again.

“You ready?” Lina was waiting outside. Literally. Outside. When Felix opened the door, Lina was standing right there, catching him giggling like a girl in love.

“Yep.” He cleared his throat and forced his lips to line up, then walked past her and down the stairs. 

“Where are we going?” he asked as he buckled the seatbelt.

“I thought maybe we could go shopping together.” Lina started the car and waited for Felix’s answer, which was a shrug of his shoulders.

“Okay.”

The silence felt heavy, each minute making Felix more aware of every word they weren’t saying. He kept his eyes fixed on the window, fingers fidgeting in his lap as if the stillness might swallow him whole. Lina looked calm beside him, but the tight grip on the steering wheel and the way she bit the inside of her cheek showed otherwise.

Felix’s fingers stilled in his lap, his gaze flicking from the window to Lina’s tense profile. The words tasted bitter on his tongue, but the silence was worse.

“Why did you do it?” he asked quietly, his voice rougher than he meant. “Why did you invite them that day? It was supposed to be…just us.”

Lina sighed. The impending conversation was hovering over them, what none of them wanted to accept and pretend had been a bad dream.

“I didn’t.” She cleared her throat and shifted on her seat. “They showed up after we told them we couldn’t hang out.”

Felix stopped for a second, a deep breath exited his lips when he heard those words. He didn’t want to hate his mom, or hold anything against her. She was different since they moved together, but he was aware that nobody could change that much in such a short time. 

“So you didn’t know they were coming?” He asked just to make sure.

“No, of course not.” Lina frowned and looked at Felix apologetically. “I told you it would be just us. Even if it wasn’t me who invited them over, I’m still sorry that I let them stay.”

Felix nodded, a weight lifted from his chest. He knew his mother because he was just like her. Once they showed up, she was split between the decision of throwing them out of the house or keeping her promise to Felix. 

He wouldn't blame her for the result, because he didn’t know what he’d have done in her place.

“It’s okay.” He sighed.

Lina kept eyeing him, biting her lips as if she needed to ask something but held back.

“Are you feeling better?” She asked.

“Yeah.” They both knew what she was referring to.

“Was it…a one time thing?” Lina bit harder on her lips, the least she wanted was to trigger her son. But she had to ask, and Felix understood.

“No.” He prepared himself for what he was about to say. “We went to High School together.”

“You knew them?” Lina’s wide eyes didn’t fail to show the betrayal in her eyes. Even if she was trying to look composed for her son. 

Felix nodded. “They…they weren’t very nice to me back then.”

“Felix.” Lina looked at him, the tears in her eyes welling deep but staying in place, refusing to shed a tear of pity. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

He shrugged. “Didn’t want to ruin it for you. You seemed to be having fun with your new friends.”

He skipped the details of the first time they tried to assault him at the restaurant, his chest inflating when he remembered it was Hyunjin who got him out of that situation back then as well.

“Lix. None of that matters.” Lina pulled up the car by the side of the road, they weren’t even halfway through the shopping centre, yet none of them had the energy to keep going. “Don’t you understand you’re my number one priority?” She laid a hand on his knee. “Ever since you were born, I’ve never loved and never will love anyone like I love you, son. I know I’ve been neglecting you a bit lately, but that was just because you seem to have grown up on your own as well.”

Felix’s throat tightened up when the first tear rolled down his cheek. He was crying again, even if he fought for the tears to stay back.

“Even if I grow up, I will always need you, mom.” 

Lina nodded, the tears dropping from her eyes in tandem with Felix’s, both of them equally emotional. She reached out, her arms wrapping around Felix and bringing him close, sighing in relief once they both felt each other.

“I was so scared you wouldn’t need me anymore, that you’d hate me.” She sobbed on her son’s neck.

“No, that’s not true.” He shook his head and nuzzled closer to his mom.

“When— when that happened, I tried so hard to reach out to you, Lix. You seemed repulsed by everyone, scared away by the slightest touch.” She pushed away, brushed the strands of hair getting on Felix’s eyes and looked at him. “You only let Hyunjin in.”

Felix glanced down in shame. He knew what Lina was thinking, and he knew he had to say the truth. But it was more difficult than he expected it to be.

“I know.” He nodded and sniffled, holding his mom’s hands loosely. “It just— feels like he understands me. I don’t know how to explain.”

Lina nodded. “I get it, son.” She smiled tiredly, comforting Felix’s scarred soul. “And between you and me, I’m so glad he was with you that day. Those kids deserved worse than what Hyunjin did to them, but he defended you pretty well.”

Felix smiled at the reminder. He still applied ointment on Hyunjin’s knuckles every night, and he still thanked him endlessly not only for standing up for him, but also for ruining those idiots’ stupid faces.

“I didn’t think he’d be capable of something like that. Not for me, at least.”

“Guess he proved you wrong.” Lina sighed, leaned back on the seat and glanced out to the gray sky. “He proved all of us wrong.”

Felix frowned, the want to ask was still very present, but it was no longer a need. He could wait. 

“Do you love him?” A loud thunder echoed and broke through Lina’s question. Felix stopped, his gaze darting away, fixing on the stray drops of rain falling from the dense clouds.

“I…” He started, his mind a whole mess of mixed feelings. Hyunjin had treated him like shit, ignored him and bullied him. But that same Hyunjin had also taken care of him and showed him to love himself. “I don’t know.”

Lina nodded, she knew better than to pressure his son.

“So, what are you gonna do now?”

“What do you mean?” He frowned at the question.

“I mean, he’ll move out soon. Have you agreed on anything?”

It wasn’t an understatement to say Felix’s whole world stopped spinning. He looked at Lina with wide eyes, his body stiffening for a moment too long.

“What?” He swallowed. “He’s moving out?”

Lina’s eyes opened wide, the realization hitting her harder than the storm raining down on them.

“You didn’t know?”

Felix stayed silent, his mouth slacked open while he tried to look for a reason why Hyunjin hadn’t mentioned a single word about it.

“Can we go back?”

His mother’s words echoed in his head like a blow he hadn’t braced for. Hyunjin…moving out. The air seemed to thin around him, a hollow ache settling in his chest. Betrayal sharp on his insides, yet he forced himself to swallow it back. 

He didn’t want to jump to conclusions, not yet. But the silence Hyunjin had kept, the secrets he held close, suddenly weighed more than ever.

“I need to go back home.” He looked at Lina with big, shiny eyes. 

“Yeah, okay.” She quickly fastened the seatbelt and started driving. The rain was heavy, the poor visibility making it impossible to speed up. 

But Lina still tried, her lips pressed up together in a thin line while she glanced at her son worriedly.

“Felix, don’t jump to conclusions.” She said, her voice ragged and nervous.

He didn’t reply. His throat too busy swallowing the heavy knots building up.

The familiar outline of their white house came into view, and Felix’s stomach churned. The thought of walking in and knowing Hyunjin would soon be gone made his chest ache. Every nerve in him screamed to fight, to demand why Hyunjin hadn’t told him, what he was waiting for. 

The moment the car stopped, he boosted the door open and quickly walked inside the house, his steps heavy while he followed the same path from before but holding so many different feelings.

Felix pushed his door open, breath caught in his chest. Hyunjin was sprawled on the bed as if nothing in the world could touch him, back against the headrest and headphones over his ears. A sketchbook rested on his lap, pencil moving in lazy strokes. At the sound of Felix stepping inside, Hyunjin’s hand stilled as he slipped the headphones down to his neck, and he tilted his head to the side, meeting Felix’s gaze.

“You’re back already?” he asked, voice calm but curious. When no answer came, Hyunjin straightened, setting the sketchbook aside. The easy calm in his features shifted, worry beginning to creep in when Felix’s gaze started weighing more than it should.

He pushed himself off bed and stood in front of the boy, looking into his eyes, trying to get the reason for his silence.

“Why didn’t you tell me?” Felix bit his curved lips, holding back the desperate sob lurching in his throat.

“Tell you what?” Hyunjin frowned, reaching out and gasping in surprise when Felix batted his hands away. “Lix?”

“You’re leaving?” The betrayal flashed over Felix’s eyes like a blunt knife, cutting through Hyunjin’s surprise. “Of course you are. That’s what you always do, isn’t it? You run away. I should’ve known you’d get tired of me eventually.” His fists clenched at his sides, eyes burning as he pushed on. “Why didn’t you just tell me, Hyunjin? Why did I have to hear it from her instead of you?”

“Felix.” Hyunjin’s calm voice wasn’t helping at all. Felix’s heart skipped beats, made him remember he shouldn’t trust in anyone other than himself. “It’s okay, listen to me.”

“No, shut up!” Felix snapped, his voice rough with anger. “I don’t wanna hear your excuses, I don’t wanna hear a thing from you. You should’ve told me. Fuck, Hyunjin, I don’t want you to leave, I want you here.” He nudged Hyunjin’s chest with a soft fist. “I can’t do this without you.”

The words hung heavy in the air, filling the room until silence pressed down on both of them. Felix’s chest heaved, his face flushed, his own confession echoing in his head. For a long moment, Hyunjin just stared at him, unreadable.

Then, unexpectedly, Hyunjin laughed. Low at first, then bubbling up, warm and unrestrained.

Felix froze, his frown deepening, the sting of betrayal cutting sharper with every second. “You think this is funny?” His voice cracked.

But when his eyes finally lifted to Hyunjin’s face, he saw it wasn’t cruel at all. Hyunjin’s laughter was genuine, soft, almost relieved, like a weight had been lifted from him. 

Before Felix could retreat, Hyunjin’s hand came up to cradle his face, his thumb brushing the damp corner of his eye. He stepped closer, so close Felix could feel the warmth radiating off him. And then, without hesitation, Hyunjin leaned down and pressed a lingering kiss to his forehead.

“The only reason I didn’t tell you sooner…is because I was hoping you’d come with me.”

Felix blinked, his mind spun, a storm of relief and disbelief colliding inside him. “What?”

“Thought you’d know by now, freckles.” Hyunjin brushed his soft thumb over Felix’s cheekbone, the sweetest of smiles plastered on his awed face. “I’m not going anywhere without you.”