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Ladies and gentlemen! If I could have your attention for just a moment. Klaus, Ben, quit grab-assing for a second and listen. I’ll keep it short. I gotta go see a horse about a man. Horse.
Luther! Congrats.
I—I don’t usually do this, you know, stand up and give speeches. I’m more of a… get in, get out kind of guy. But life, it seems, has a funny way of surprising us. Here I am, and I’ve been thinking— thinking about how little I’ve got in the way of stories. I’m supposed to run through a few of those now so you can all laugh.
That’s how these work. I’d know—I went to a wedding and killed the best man. Not before I heard the speech though. It was… well, it was shit but that’s not why I killed him. He was going to—nevermind, that’s not important, that’s not what this is about.
This is about Luther! Luther stories. Luther anecdotes that I… don’t have.
I should! I definitely should. But something interesting happened where I don’t have any because I disappeared—ha!—and missed every second of Luther’s life up until… how many days ago? Weeks?
I was—hic—lost in time, and that’s... well, it’s a heavy thing to think about. And now I see him here, getting married, and I realize just how much I’ve missed being part of these moments. I missed out on an infinite number of moments—and that’s the part that gets me, right? It really gets me, that part, because there’s so many simple moments that make up a life.
I missed it all. It’s weird, you know?
I was out there, fighting fights and trying to fix time, and all the while, my family was living and laughing and growing without me. It’s all so different, but good different, getting to know all of you… again. When I came here, I thought I had you all pegged. Klaus is a pathetic junkie. Allison’s the entitled queen of shortcuts. Diego’s Mr. Manchild Hero Complex. Viktor’s a bitter sellout. And Luther? The guy’s a monkey virgin from space.
I was so wrong and you can put that on the record. I mean it. I—I regret it. All of it. Keeping that horrible picture of you in my mind after abandoning you for 45 years. Everything I know about you, I had to read through a book. I wasn’t there. And I can’t die without you idiots knowing how much you mean to me. I missed so goddamn much and I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to all of you and it still won’t be enough. I’d beat my own ass if I could.
Oh! I can tell you about the time I kicked Luther in the rocks, but that’s not funny. Is it? I can’t really see straight—hell, all of you could’ve gone and I’d have no idea.
I see Sloane though, I think, if that white spot is anything to go by… And Luther—Luther!—couldn’t miss you if I tried, my friend. So at least you’re both still here.
And I’m still here. And there’s things moving, so that’ll be you all, most likely. So we’re all here. It’s… it’s a goddamn miracle, that’s what it is.
Now, Luther and I haven’t always seen eye to eye—literally and figuratively, because he’s a goddamn giant—no offense, pal, you pull it off—but we’ve had our fair share of battles against apocalypses and each other. A lot. And within all of it, I found a statistical anomaly.
It shouldn’t happen, it shouldn’t be possible, but somehow, somehow, there was one constant in every single timeline: Luther believed in us. That’s why we’ve faced the end of the world over and over and over and we’ve come out on the other side—and up one person, thanks to him.
It’s that same strength that brings us here today, to celebrate the union of two people who are meant to be together. I can’t tell you what the future holds because, shit, I’m never jumping forward ever again, but if there’s anyone who can face the unknown with courage and heart, it’s you, Luther.
I don’t know where you get it from because it sure as hell isn’t from your family. I don’t think any of us know how to do it, do love—but you do. Luther does! We all know it. He’s the most functional of us all—you’re the best of us all!—and buddy, I hate you for it.
I’m joking.
But really, I never thought I’d make it to a Hargreeves wedding because finding partners worthy of you all was an impossibility and I’m really fucking good at probability. I mean, did anyone here think that Luther, of all people, would find someone to touch his heart as—as deeply and… profoundly as he’s touched ours? The way he deserves?
Before today, I’d have said it was out of the question. Batshit crazy.
But you both agreed to have this insane wedding, and Sloane—I know you wouldn’t have agreed to it if you didn’t love Luther as much as he loves you. You’ve made my brother happier in a week than I’ve managed in a lifetime. From what little I know about him, I know tonight is, without a doubt, the greatest fucking moment of his life. I’m glad you both found each other and I’ll always wish that it had been under better circumstances.
And yet, I know it’s selfish, but there’s nowhere I’d rather have ended up. None of you deserve this. I’m just so happy to see you all again and pick up where we left off. Well, not where we left off, not even close, actually, so I guess that was wrong, but what I’m trying to say is we’re all back together.
I’m trying now, to put these pieces together, the written caricatures and the fucked-up childhood memories and the brothers and sisters that I’ve only met a few weeks ago. It’s a… it’s a hard match to make.
But if there’s one thing I’ve learned through all our adventures and apocalypses, it’s this: if we’re all going to go out in a flaming day of reckoning, there’s nobody else I’d rather die with than you guys. We’re a family bound not by blood, but by destiny and love. Nothing’s gone to plan, and God, I know that better than anyone, but fate brought us here, all here today, for one final night before it all ends.
We’re all… we’re all thinking about it. The end of the world is terrifying. It should be all we can think about right now, yet somehow, thanks to our Number One and—hic—the bar, it’s the furthest thing from our minds—well, until I brought it up, mea culpa and all that—but Luther! You’ve always known how to stick to the things that matter. Thanks for giving us this. You’ve shown us something braver than saving the world.
The truth is, big guy, we love you—I love you. It’s the elephant in the room, buddy. I’d give you a hug if I didn’t have to piss so bad.
I won’t! I won’t. Well, I oughta be wrapping up right about now. Kidney stones hurt like hell.
Luther, I want you to take my life as the biggest compliment to you. I wouldn’t have made it through the apocalypse if it wasn’t for the hope that I’d somehow impossibly, miraculously defy the odds and make it back to you guys.
But I did, and it’s been one… one hell of a ride. It’s been an honor to know you, to love you, and to find my way home to you.
To be here, celebrating with everyone tonight—it means more to me than I can put into words, but I’m glad I tried. To Luther and his wonderful bride Sloane, I wish you well. Happy— it’s not your birthday. Happy wedding day, my friend. Take care.