Chapter Text
Mark could hear the screaming fans from more than a block away.
High pitched, mostly young and female, their screeches reverberated inside the black SUV. The sound was strong enough to surpass Mark’s noise canceling headphones, echoing inside his brain.
All he did was sigh and check to see what song was coming up next on his spotify. Beside him, Johnny was dead asleep, leaning against the left side window.
Mark peeked at himself in the rear view mirror and smiled. He looked good today; always did when the makeup artists gave him something simple. That no makeup look.
Mark turned to his right, to Donghyuck. He was always handsome, but unlike himself, Mark liked his best friend better with no makeup. He could see the line on his neck where his pale foundation ended and his natural, sun kissed tone began.
He inhaled softly. No cologne on Donghyuck today, just the clean scent of the body wash he’d been using since he was thirteen.
That smell always made him feel a little warm and fuzzy inside.
Donghyuck finally turned back to Mark. Mark quickly looked at his lap. He hated getting caught in these moments.
But when Mark finally looked back at him, he was wearing a soft smile.
The screams got closer.
“God damn it,” Yuta mumbled sleepily from the back row of seats. “We’re just going through fucking security. Why do they care?”
Mark exhaled softly, preparing to face the onslaught of noise and hands and phone cameras shoved in his face. He didn’t mind though. They did it because they liked him. It was nice to be liked.
And then, it was time. The manager was hustling them out of the car and security was coming up on either side. He grabbed three notes from the fans; one was a bit damp from tear drops.
He spared the briefest of glances at the note on the top.
To Mark Lee, it read, in curly, practiced handwriting.
He looked up and stopped, on cue. Time for paparazzi photos. Mark grinned, waved at the photographers, at the crowd. Smile somewhat genuine.
His mind was empty. The screams were all that could fill it.
Then, it was time to go through security, and the manager was beckoning them, and most of Mark’s group mates were moving on. But Mark lingered, listening for the cheers of his own name.
Suddenly, Donghyuck turned around. The fans faded away. Mark couldn’t see anyone else.
He smiled in his secretive way, for Mark’s eyes alone, and beckoned Mark forward. Of course, of course , Mark smiled back and followed.
~~~~~~~~~~
The plane, minus the hum of the machinery, was quiet.
Mark hated that about planes. Silence and no work to do meant running thoughts over and over in his mind.
That always made him a little sick to his stomach.
Donghyuck was asleep next to him. He’d quickly passed out, head on Mark’s shoulder. It had fallen there by accident. Mark tried not to move even a centimeter.
He and Donghyuck really were best friends. The company knew it, the fans knew it, and they themselves knew it. A lot of facts about their lives weren’t the truth, just stories crafted by the company. But Donghyuck and his friendship was real.
But it wasn’t the whole story.
They were best friends, alright. But best friends with secrets.
Whenever Donghyuck was around Mark and using his phone, he would hide the screen like a panicked little boy watching porn. He got antsy and weird if Mark even tried to go into his room. They would spend their days together, but Donghyuck would sneak away at nights and never told Mark where he went.
The older he got, the more secrets Donghyuck had, and the more precious Donghyuck’s secrets became to him. Mark tried to pry, back when the secrets started, and Donghyuck had been so weird about it that Mark gave up. That was just their relationship now.
Mark’s secrets, on the other hand, were all internal. But they were far more precious.
He wasn’t sure what did it. Maybe it was being too famous too young, maybe it was not being allowed around girls, maybe it was just all a big test from God, to make sure all the luck he’d had in his life was deserved.
Donghyuck’s friendship was normal. Mark’s friendship was weird , twisted, and he wanted things that would probably make Donghyuck’s stomach turn.
It started from the day they met. It only ever got worse.
Sometimes, a little voice inside Mark told him that he should give up on trying to make this thing go away. He was a decade in already, after all.
But, no. Mark took a deep breath and shut his eyes in a quiet prayer.
Dear God. Isn’t this enough? I had the gay feelings and I haven’t done anything. Not that Donghyuck would wanna do anything with me. He’d be so disgusted, I mean, God, seriously, we’re best friends from childhood- anyway, haven’t I passed your test yet? Can’t I like someone else now? Please? Amen.
Mark sighed, opened his eyes, and looked at the airplane screen. He didn’t wanna think about this anymore, it made him sick.
He opened the airplane route. Four more hours. Ugh.
His hands trembled. He wished he was practicing. He wished he was recording. It made his hands itchy to think of all the work he had to do.
Sighing softly, he pulled the notes app up on his phone. His poetry and lyrics stared back at him from the bright screen. Slowly, Mark opened each one, seeing if an idea would catch his eye enough to expand on. It wasn't that useful, but at least this was something. Some kind of work he could do.
Suddenly, a flash went off in his mind. Mark looked back up at the airplane screen, wide eyed.
What would he be doing right now if he wasn't an idol?
Watching a movie, maybe. Or sleeping.
No... he wouldn't be on this flight at all. They were flying back to Korea from a concert in Jakarta. If Mark wasn't an idol, he probably wouldn't be flying back to Korea from performing a concert. Maybe he would be flying to Korea from Jakarta from a vacation, or for work.
What job would he do?
Being an idol was all Mark was good at. All of the other attached skills wouldn't make him very much money.
Mark looked around. If he wasn't an idol, he probably wouldn't be flying business class.
Donghyuck snored slightly beside him. Donghyuck. Maybe, maybe, they would still be sitting beside each other. Donghyuck most likely wouldn't be asleep on his shoulder, though. Would they have even been able to meet, let alone become as close as they were? Mark might still be in Canada for fuck's sake, being-
Nothing. When he tried to think of who, what he would be, his mind came up blank.
Mark could feel his breathing start to speed up. Shaking, he let his hands creep around his pockets for something to hold onto.
The letters. The perfect thing in this moment.
Mark opened them, read the words, and felt his heart go back to a normal rate. There was so much love in there, enough to stop thinking about everything else.
No need to worry. He was idol Mark Lee. No matter what happened, they couldn't take that away from him.
He put the letters back into his pocket and got out his phone again. Time to focus again.
But finally, he felt Donghyuck move slightly from his spot on his shoulder. With a soft noise, Donghyuck sat up and blinked sleepily at Mark.
Mark felt himself melt into a little puddle, with that sweet face looking back at him, the one he knew almost every version of (and dreamed constantly of the versions he didn't).
Darn it. The prayers failed. As they always did.
But soon enough, Donghyuck jumped away. He shifted back into his own seat and looked at the ground.
"Sorry, Mark."
Mark frowned at his phone. Donghyuck didn't used to be this way. And he never was on camera. But when the cameras were off... Donghyuck seemed to hate to touch him. Snatching his hand away when Mark reached for it, getting jumpy when he realized he was all over Mark. As the years went by, it got worse and worse, and Mark cursed his fourteen year old self for complaining so much.
(he'd always liked it, after all. even if it made him pray a little more, just to get rid of that icky feeling in his stomach.)
"I-It's okay," Mark stuttered back. He was always too afraid to say any more.
They stayed quiet, still. Donghyuck played some phone game and Mark tapped away at his notes app. And old song, one he always fiddled with, the one that was kinda, sorta, about Donghyuck. His other love songs were just stories, impersonal.
Mark went back in and changed the pronouns to she/her. Second nature.
Focused enough on his work, the four hours passed by quick. Soon enough they had landed, and the routine started up again: security surrounding them, manager hurriedly checking to make sure they'd brushed their hair and reapplied tinted lip balm, posing for paparazzi photos, screaming fans, cameras and phones and hands and notes shoved into every crevice the fans could find.
Everyone but Mark breathed a sigh of relief when they got back into the manager's car. Mark felt staticky. He'd forced himself to really feel the fans, this time around. Be grateful, like idols always said they were.
Every kpop company in existence made the idols say they would be nothing without their fans.
His hyungs had spent years spitting on those words, but Mark had always, secretly, thought they were true.
It was true enough for him.
Too busy thinking, Mark noticed with a frown that Donghyuck wasn't sitting next to him, surrounded by Yuta and Jaehyun instead.
The panic from earlier on the plane rose back up in Mark's throat.
Oh God, had Hyuck finally figured it out? Was that why he jumped away on the plane? Was that why he kept secrets? Was that why he wasn't sitting next to Mark in the car, because he was creeped out by Mark and his stupid, weird feelings-
stop.
Unlike before, Mark was able to shake these kinds of thoughts off pretty easily. Donghyuck didn't know. Mark had worked damn hard to make very sure Donghyuck didn't know. Donghyuck could have his secrets and keep them, so Mark could too. He had freak outs over this pretty often, so he had finally learned what to tell himself to make it stop.
Donghyuck didn't know.
He couldn't know.
Why would he even think that Mark had these feelings?
These... weird, gay feelings.
But Mark wasn't gay!
He just had these feelings sometimes. For Donghyuck.
(and maybe, for like, a month when he first met Johnny before Donghyuck came to the company, when Johnny had walked out of the shower with only a towel around his waist-)
Mark grimaced, swallowed, and looked at his phone. He pulled up an incognito tab.
Am I gay quiz, he typed into the search bar in English.
Quick enough came a million results. The first five links were purple.
Last visited 6/6/24, google unhelpfully informed him after the first link. Mocking him.
The next one read last visited 1/1/24.
Mark sighed and tapped the third one.
The results were different every time, depending on how much Mark let himself cheat.
You might be gay! The words flashed on the screen.
Mark rolled his eyes and locked his phone. Stupid quiz. Probably made by a twelve year old in 2006 anyways. What did they know?
~~~~~~~~~~
Mark didn't like bed time.
He liked night, when he could work on music in his room, or practice with the others before getting late night meals, or hang out in the studio with other producers. He also liked sleeping, a lot.
But he couldn't stand the in between. When you're trying to fall asleep, staring at the wall or the ceiling, your thoughts running wild.
He'd had a lot of thoughts today. A lot of the bad thoughts. When he wanted to be awake, he could distract himself. But moments like these... when he wanted to sleep so bad, when he needed to get up early, even more important because he needed to say goodbye to Taeyong because he was leaving for the military for fuck's sake... the bad thoughts came running back to him, leaving a storm in his mind.
Thunder. Donghyuck was his thunder. Deep, loud, shook him to his very core.
It was the in between night times when Mark couldn't keep the sinful thoughts at bay; the daydreams. The nice ones, about love confessions like in slice of life mangas, and holding hands, and Donghyuck sharing all of his little secrets with him. The naughty ones, about Donghyuck's hands roaming his bare skin and Donghyuck's breath hot on his ear.
Those thoughts made Mark feel really yucky.
Lightening. Flashes of brightness that lit up every bad thought Mark had ever had, forcing himself to really see them.
How would the fans feel if they knew about Mark's little secret?
Oh, they could pretend all they wanted, with their fanfictions and memes and love videos, that they wanted Mark and Donghyuck to be in love. But he knew that if the world knew the truth, they would feel just as icky as Mark did. They would be angry. Mark was nothing without them. Mark was theirs.
They would leave him, and then what would Mark do?
Mark sniffled, then smacked himself on the cheek.
He had to sleep. He had schedules. He had to say goodbye to Taeyong.
Mark focused all of his energy on the screaming from earlier today. The screams that drowned out everything else. And he finally fell asleep.
~~~~~~~~~~
Mark groaned loudly when he woke up. Schedule time. He was still tired.
He blinked. No, he didn't have enough time to sacrifice brushing his teeth for five more minutes of sleep. Taeyong was leaving for the military today, and he wanted to say goodbye.
He blinked a second time, then furrowed his eyebrows. The ceiling looked weird. It wasn't a ceiling, actually. It was the underside of a bunk bed. Also, someone was shaking him.
Mark turned to look at the person in question.
"Xiaojun?"
He chuckled back awkwardly. "Um, it's Dejun actually. But Xiao's my last name! So close enough."
Okay, wait. What the actual fuck. Why was Xiao- no, Dejun- in his fucking bedroom?
Wait a second.
Mark looked beside Dejun at the rest of the room.
This wasn't his bedroom.
What the fuck.
It was light enough to see that it wasn't his bedroom.
Again, what the fuck. He should've been up before it even got light out to wish Taeyong goodbye.
Hadn't he set an alarm-
Across from him were some cabinets and two desks, side by side. One, by the window, had a bunch of pictures up, of Dejun with people Mark guessed to be his family.
The other side just had a banner that had Daegu National University written in bold letters, along with the school's logo.
What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.
"Where am I?" Mark asked in a panic. "Did we get kidnapped?"
Dejun laughed at him. He laughed! They had probably been kidnapped by sasaengs and he was laughing!
"No. I guess the jet lag must be getting to you. We're in our dorm room."
"We're dorming together? Why?"
Mark noticed Dejun's lips droop lower.
"Um... because the university assigned us to be roommates?" Dejun looked awkwardly at the ground. "Sorry. I know my English isn't that good."
Wait a second.
They'd been talking in English.
They'd been talking in English the whole time, actually.
When he spoke to Dejun normally (which wasn't often), they talked in Korean, even though Mark knew he was more confident in English.
Now, Dejun was really looking pouty.
"N-No! Your English is great, dude!" Mark finally sat up and looked around. Dejun was clearly in on whatever was happening to him. Maybe, for now, it was best to go with the flow until he got some more answers. "Sorry. I guess I am still a little out of it from the jet lag."
"It's okay," Xiaojun answered, and the smile returned to his face. "Um, we never formally introduced ourselves. I know we've been emailing since we were assigned roommates before, but it's nice to finally meet you in person."
Mark squinted for a second. Another piece of the puzzle. Mark still couldn't tell what the puzzle was supposed to be of, though.
He and Dejun had never met before?
"Y-Yeah, it's nice to meet you too."
Dejun sighed. "I thought I was bad with my jet lag from China. It must be terrible from Canada. When I got back from dinner last night, you were asleep before I could introduce myself."
Mark looked around the room again. Sure enough, in the corner, was a suitcase. His old suitcase. The one he had brought from Canada when he first moved to Korea more than ten years ago. He had tossed it out a long time back, when it got so beat up from all the travel he did that it became unusable. Here, it looked in pretty good condition.
"Shit!" Dejun suddenly cried. "There was a reason I woke you up. I normally like to sleep in a bit late too, like we talked about over email... but orientation starts soon! I was afraid you would sleep through it."
Mark took a deep breath in and out. "Orientation?"
"Yup. Can't miss the first meeting for graduate school, can you?"
Graduate school.
Graduate school.
Mark barely even passed high school; he'd never even thought about normal college-
He huffed. Go with the flow. You'll figure out what's going on soon-
"Okay. Um. Let's get ready, I guess."