Chapter Text
"...What the fuck is wrong with you?"
One cut.
"Get your head checked, loser."
One more.
"You think you're special? You and your..."
The black silhouette stood over the little boy. Its presence was enough to crush the feebly miserable being under him.
"...shitty music. Pff. Give up." It scoffed derogatorily. The black silhouette's disdained face contorted with abhorrence.
One cut, each time. One fine, horizontal line into his pale skin, leaving red trails behind. Unlike he'd imagined, it didn't hurt at all. It felt like all the filth in his weary body drained away, slowly.
The stained razor trembled in his hands every time those faces reappeared in his acrimonious mind. Boy shivered in hatred. Hatred towards everyone who had despised him. Who had degraded his endeavors and treated him as if he was a piece of shit.
They spat on him with their loathsome words. Head to toe, covered him in their abomination. Filling every part of his body with nothing but hatred.
Warm blood dribbled onto the parquet flooring. The foul, metallic smell permeated over the loess room. The only source illuminating the gloomy room was a flimsy, dim light.
There; under that dreary light, the boy was sitting on the edge of his bed. Holding his bleeding wrists. His strained body couldn't even move an inch. The only thing left in him was the prickling sensation all over his numb body.
Emerald irises had glanced over its surroundings but the only thing they saw was the distorted image of the loess room.
It was time to get up. Before anyone sees, he'll tidy his messed self up and pretend like nothing had happened. Wear that frivolous smile on his face again. As if everything was nothing more than an act on stage. Take the applause, return to the backstage and repeat. Over and over. Repeat until that actor could act no more.
A gentle knock came from the door as he was lost in his thoughts.
"Akito... Are you there?" It was none other than his sister. It'd been a while since he left his room, so she got worried naturally. Unlike his dad or mother, she was one of the few people who actually cared about him. One of who did not despise him.
"I'm... here! I'll open the door quickly. Just a sec..." He glanced at the door tentatively before pulling his sleeves down and trying to hide the razor in a rush.
"I... Uh... Just wanted to check on you. It's okay if you don't wanna open the door. Hearing your voice is enough."
A rueful smile seized the boy's face as he sat back on his bed. Tilting his head down, he grabbed a handful of hair and pulled harshly on it, resentfully.
"What have you done..? You made your sister worry. She has no right to be sad about you." A voice spoke in his head tersely.
Shut up.
"Look at you. Fucking masochist. You like the pain, don't you?"
No, I don't. I fucking don't. I hate. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I. Hate. It.
"Then get up and apologize to her."
But... what did I do wrong?
Akito mumbled in his sleep while his head was completely buried in the desk. Every part of his body ached with great pain. An irritable shout echoed through the entire classroom. Akito flinched as he was woken up from his sleep. He blinked blearily at the agitated teacher and the blackboard across the room.
"Shinonome!" Another round of shrill scolding echoed in his eardrums.
"How many times do I have to point out the fact that it is strictly forbidden to sleep in a lecture? You have to be present."
Akito gritted his teeth in a disgruntled growl while trying to get out of the drowsy state he was in. He rubbed his eyes in anticipation of having a clear vision of his surroundings. After a few seconds of a hard time focusing on the blackboard, he'd finally conclude that he was in math class, unfortunately. His fingertips traced the desk, trying to find his notebook and pencil but instead, the only encounter he had was the puddle of saliva from his previous sleeping session. He quickly shook his hands off in disgust. Blobs of saliva scattered around. Some had stained his school uniform, leaving wet little spots on it.
"Motherfucker..!" Akito cursed quietly to himself. At least he thought.
"Language please, gentleman!" Teacher rasped tersely, reaching the confines of her leniency little by little. She tapped sternly on the blackboard with the chalk.
"Would you please solve this equation for us or would you rather pay a visit to the headmaster himself, Mr. Shinonome?" Akito tensed up against his teacher's condescending attitude towards him. It wasn't the first time she acted this way. He got up and stormed off towards the blackboard. He snatched the chalk from the teacher's hand in frustration. He heard a loud, startled gasp from both his teacher and the rest of the classroom.
Akito slowly read the complicated equation written on the board. He gulped nervously. What the fuck was this gibberish? His hands shook abashedly as the white chalk made contact with the blackboard. Why in the fucking hell he walked over to the board so confidently? He huffed in dismay while pressing his forehead against the cold surface of the board. Akito could hear the devious snickers of his classmates. Clenching his fists, a sense of chagrin spread thoroughly from his fingertips to his toes.
"I would rather..." He muttered hoarsely.
"I would rather pay a visit to the headmaster." Akito scoffed indignantly as he left the classroom, still clenching his fists in abash and leaving his rather irritated and disgruntled teacher behind. Akito could hear her shouting incoherently in aggravation behind his back.
Akito was supposedly walking towards the headmaster's room even though his intentions were different. His clenched fist hadn't gotten any loose from the entire time he had left the classroom. With momentary anger, his clenched fist had lifted, and he punched the first wall he saw with all his strength. A loud thud reverberated across the long hall. A sharp pain promptly seized his knuckles. Blood trickled down slowly. He threw a few curses while holding his injured hand.
Akito could feel his eyes welling up, not exactly from the pain but rather from the humiliation. He knew that it was totally his fault. This was the consequence of his reckless and bold behavior. However, he couldn't help but berate himself. His mouth twitched in indignation, wishing to rip this side of himself away.
"Akito..?"
A serene voice recited his name. Akito shuddered with the voice. He exactly knew whose voice it was. It was no other than his very dear 'partner'. Since Toya was a hall monitor he frequently patrolled the corridors of the school making sure nothing was abnormal. Well, it looked like he'd hit the jackpot.
"What do you think you're doing?! Are you out of your mind?"
Toya quickly rushed to Akito in dismay. Akito ignored the pain in his knuckles as Toya started to caress his bruises while rebuking him. The only thing that was on his mind was how Toya's delicate and slim fingers were cradling his own. How his overly pale yet smooth lips parted with shaky breaths all because Toya was worried about him. Toya had completely hazed his mind, slowly taking away his consciousness.
"Akito!"
Akito snapped back to reality as Toya called out his name. His whole face felt so hot that Akito was pretty sure if someone cracked a few eggs on there, they would be perfectly cooked. And he was also pretty sure what his face had looked like right now. All messed up and flushed every time Toya's fingers touched his bruised knuckles.
"Ah... hey, Toya. Sorry for the trouble. Haha..."
His laughter was far from genuine, rather a far-fetched one. Akito's free hand scratched his nape in awkwardness. His head was turned sideways, averting his flushed gaze from Toya's prying glances. There was one thing he didn't know though. Toya's face was just as flushed and red as Akito's. Toya was no unobservant individual. He had been always wary of his surroundings. Extra wary if this 'surrounding' was no other than his precious 'partner'.
When Akito had finally dared to face Toya he was rather startled by his partner's red face, making this whole thing ten times more awkward. He quickly pulled his hands away from that caressing fingertips.
"I actually need to see the headmaster, so..." Akito squawked in a shrill voice. His vocal cords were so strained that making any sound at the moment was indeed exerting. Without looking back he took his way towards the headmaster's room. Or he intended to do so. A sweaty palm abruptly grabbed him by the wrist, obstructing him from moving forward. A shiver ran down from his spine, billowing through all parts of his body.
"Akito... I can't let you go with a hand like that. What if it's something serious? We need to go to the infirmary." Ginger boy slowly turned his head, locking eyes with the slim boy. He didn't protest. He wasn't in a state to protest nor make an excuse. Simply nodding, he let his partner guide the way to the infirmary.
None of them talked through the way. Only shaky huffs and a hand that was gently tugging on the sleeve of Akito's uniform, to make sure he didn't run away. By the time they arrived at the infirmary, there was no one in sight. The gauzes were scattered around and there was a lingering mess around the room. An unpleasant medication scent filled Akito's lungs, making him nauseous. He was feeling groggy and lightheaded. Uneasy feeling began to form right in his stomach. It was almost like he was about to vomit his internal organs. He held onto Toya's uniform unexpectedly, feebly tugging down on his school shirt, in order to prevent himself from collapsing to the floor. His other hand was covering his mouth, desperately striving to suppress the unsettling urge to puke.
Toya realized the situation quickly. He held Akito by his shoulder, guiding him to the nearest bunk. Toya helped Akito to sit down carefully.
"Akito... Akito. Look at me and take deep breaths with me okay? I'll help you." He gave an assuring smile before kneeling between Akito's legs. His hands still squeezing ginger's shoulder. He took a breath at one time, waiting a couple of seconds before exhaling slowly as he guided Akito's uneven respiration.
Akito still couldn't comprehend why his body was overreacting. Was it because of his fucked-up sleep schedule? Or his decreased appetite? Maybe because of the dazing smell of the medicines? His hands clutched dearly to the fabric of his pants. The bruised fingers throbbed with pain in protest. Akito gritted his teeth and shut his eyes tightly, disrupting his breathing even more. Toya's eyes narrowed in worry yet he maintained his nonchalant manner. His hands descended from Akito's shoulder to his tightly clutched fist. He gently clasped the boy's fists, trying to pry them open.
"Hey, hey... I'm here it's okay..." The tall boy murmured with that sweet and serene voice of his. At first, his body didn't react to the voice until Akito felt a warm sensation embracing him. His fists loosened and promptly, slender fingers intertwined with his own. Akito slightly twitched as Toya's fingers brushed past his bruised knuckles. His hands were rather cold. Akito knew that Toya had some kind of anemia but it was his first time touching his hands this intimately.
He slowly opened his eyes just meet with Toya's azure mist eyes. It felt like looking into a deepless frozen lake. How this guy was still single? He thought to himself in that brief moment. Toya, undeniably, had such a pretty face, a tall height... He was also well-mannered and talented. There were countless other things that probably wouldn't come to Akito's mind.
His uneven breaths began to steady with the guidance of Toya. By the time the nurse hurtled herself into the infirmary room, Akito was mostly calmed down. The only remaining sensations were how his knuckles had ached and the soothing presence of Toya. He didn't even bother to glance at what was happening to the nurse. The nurse staggered her way in, holding onto random objects, trying hard not to fall.
"Oh my... What happened here?" She cast a quick eye over the room looking at the messy state of the infirmary was in. While her eyes roamed around the room she saw the two boys, holding their intertwined hands together while the kneeling boy was comforting the other one. Nurse rubbed her temples as she sighed exasperatedly.
"Toya... Is everything alright? It looks like your friend-" Before finishing her sentence the nurse saw trickling blood on Akito's hand. Without awaiting an explanation, she hastily rushed towards the medicine cabinet and took a bottle of antiseptic along with a gauze. Slowly approaching to the two young men, she sensed the weirdly soothing ambiance lingering in the air. She smiled forlornly to herself.
"The youth these days..." She mumbled. Toya glanced at the nurse standing over them. He saw the medical stuff in her hands and quickly untangled his hands with Akito, letting her take the lead. A very subtle whine escaped from Akito's lips as their hands were parted.
Nurse sat beside the injured boy, carefully placing her instruments over the little tray near them. Before taking care of Akito's hand, she observed the boy. He was rather thin for a considerably tall boy. Her eyes lingered on Akito's wrists. "Is he even eating anything?" She thought without disturbing her composure.
"Akito... right?"
The nurse already knew his name. But she still asked it, trying to break the cold ice seizing the room. Akito nodded slightly.
"Would you mind showing me your injured hand, please? I'll sterilize the wound and a wrap bandage around it. It shouldn't hurt besides little stingings." She smiled assuringly.
Akito did as said. He slowly lent her hand to the nurse. Nurse took the antiseptic and carefully poured some onto a cotton pad. Her movements were gentle as if she was scared to hurt the thin boy. Akito winced as the damp cotton pad began to brush against his bruises. He didn't really feel anything at first.Not until a sharp stinging pain came, abruptly seizing over his hand. Grimacing, he huffed while his fingers twitched in protest.
"Ngh..."
He gave the nurse a deadly glare. "It shouldn't hurt besides a little stinging." My ass. It hurt like a bitch. At least be honest while doing your fucking job, Akito cursed in his head.
All this time Toya was just standing there, patiently waiting for his precious partner to be treated. Every twitch of Akito felt excruciating to him. Toya hated seeing him in pain. Any kind of.
He noticed how his appetite had decreased at an alarming rate nowadays. He didn't eat or drink anything in school hours. Not even water. He also noticed his blank looks too. As if he was looking into nothing, empty-minded. And not to mention how An had been complaining about how he'd sleep through all the lessons. It was unusual of him because Akito was quite an athletic person before. He wouldn't get exhausted easily. It's probably because he wasn't getting enough sleep.
Toya bit his lip in worry. He wanted to help but... what could he do? Akito and his oh-so-mighty prideful fucking ego. Acting like he's always the tough one even when he's in need, never letting anyone help him. But anytime Toya had mild inconvenience, Akito would do anything to help him.
"Why? Why do you help everyone but suffer yourself?" Toya huffed indignantly. The sweet hypocrisy of altruistic people. As if they enjoyed being in constant agony. Toya felt like a lump was beginning to form right in his throat, tightening his muscles and vocal cords. It was the same kind of sensation he felt during fights with his dad. The unsettling feeling of not being able to speak a word.
He took deep breaths, trying to calm himself down. It was no time to be sentimental. He slowly gazed at Akito. His head was tilted downwards. Toya sighed in relief since Akito did not have to witness his emotional rush seconds ago. And it'd looked like the nurse's job was long done. She slowly got up from where she was sitting.
"Toya. Take good care of your friend for me." She spoke cajolingly, especially emphasizing the word "good".
"I will. Thank you for taking your time." The nurse rubbed Toya's back before leaving the infirmary in a hurry. And finally, they were alone, yet again. Akito's head was still tilted downwards. Toya approached, gently sitting beside him. He scrutinized the boy, before prudently picking his words.
"Do you want to talk..? I'll listen. Even though..." Toya paused for a few seconds before speaking again.
"...Even though I know you wouldn't let me help you." Toya's voice trembled. He'd never guessed he would have a such hard time speaking before. He was always a forthcoming person and never in his life had trouble speaking out his thoughts. But things change, eventually.
Akito suddenly lifted his head. Little beads of colorless liquid had begun to form in his tear troughs. Akito parted his lips to speak yet the only sound he made was a feeble gasp, before clenching his jaw tightly and bursting into tears. Shaking uncontrollably, tears ran down from his flushed cheeks. He was having an intense anxiety attack. Being unable to properly breathe, Akito felt like every part of his body started to prickle. Head to toe, going numb. Broken gasps, shallow breaths, trembling body... It wasn't the first time he felt like this. That obnoxious, numbing feeling all over his body again.
A gentle hand held him by the neck, burying his head into Toya's chest. Toya didn't speak a word. He didn't try to comfort him nor intervene it. Instead, he simply let Akito cry. Let him cry out until his trembling, thin body went limp. This whole time he tenderly caressed the ginger boy's hair.
Hitched breaths began to subside, gradually becoming quiet huffs. Neither of them talked for a seemingly long time. Toya finally broke the silence with a quiet voice.
"I'll take you home. I'm gonna talk to the headmaster. He would let me accompany you." He drew the hand back that was holding Akito's neck. Slowly pulling away Akito from himself, he got up. A hand abruptly yanked on his back, making him almost fall.
"Don't go! Please..." Akito yelped. Toya was startled by his sudden behavior. He sat back and looked at Akito.
"I won't. If that's your wish. I'll stay here with you as long as you want." A bright light shone in Akito's eyes. A rueful smile laced his face.
"I...I actually..." He laughed involuntarily in pain. Tears flowed from his green eyes. People didn't laugh when they were in pain, right?
"...don't even know why I'm crying in the first place..?" A prickling sensation billowed through Toya's body. He didn't know how to respond. To him, it was insanely nonsensical. How couldn't somebody know the reason behind their emotions? Toya felt so little against Akito. The pressure of the boy's pain crushed both of them. Luckily, Toya was the type to preserve his unperturbed manner in every kind of situation possible. Even right in front of a person who is mentally breaking down.
He lifted his hand, grasping Akito's chin and fixing Akito's eyes on himself.
"Akito. Calm down." Toya talked in a stern yet tender tone. He could see the shocked expression on the boy's face.
"I'll take you home and make sure to talk our way through this. I just want you to hold on for a bit longer, okay? Now..." Finishing his sentence he wrapped one arm under Akito's arm, helping him to get up. They both got up hardly, staggering and almost falling two times. Akito put all his weight onto Toya making it harder for Toya to carry him.
They finally arrived at the headmaster's office after having a challenging time. Toya asked Akito to wait in front of the office for a couple of minutes while he talked to the headmaster. Akito nodded and leaned his back on a wall while they were talking.
He still didn't know why he'd exaggerate the situation. He was pretty sure that something wrong was with his head. This wasn't the first time he'd break down for something trivial. However, when it happened, Ena would always be there to comfort him. It just had never happened near anyone else. He was grateful to have Toya, though. He was one of the very few people who could put his mind at ease whether he was feeling bad or not. Toya was his mood enhancer, his happiness supply. His presence was simply enough to make Akito happy. That boy was like some magic drug. While he was thinking about Toya, the door of the office opened.
"Akito... We can go now. I'll take you home."
Akito snapped out of his thoughtful state with the boy's gentle reminder. He was feeling better now. Better enough to at least walk on his own, even though he still felt a little wobbly. He was feeling like stepping on nothing. As if he was floating around.
"M'kay... Let's go. And..." His eyes met the azure mist eyes.
"Sorry for the trouble. I know it's unpleasant to take care of someone mentally unstable." Akito muttered.
Toya's brows furrowed immediately. Scowling in a way that made clear he was unpleased by this statement, not taking care of "someone" who was mentally unstable.
"Stop joking around. Why... why would I be bothered by taking care of the person who I deeply value!?"
Akito's eyes widened as he heard how Toya considered him someone who he "deeply valued". Little butterflies began to flutter in his stomach. He had never thought anyone would consider him as someone important in their life. He knew how deeply Toya had cared about him, but Akito was never brave enough to convince himself. Akito averted his gaze in embarrassment, realizing how much of a selfish thing he'd said.
Toya had maintained his nonchalant manner, until what Akito said. How could he think this way? Didn't Akito know that he was so important to Toya? Had he never thought about it? After all the things they had been through. He must be clearly out of his mind.
"How could you say that when you would..." He paused before speaking hoarsely. He could see the bewildered expression on Akito's face.
"How could you when... when you would do the exact same thing for me too!?"
He muttered gritting his teeth. Never in his life, he'd felt this overwhelmed. Fights with his dad were always intense but compared to what he was feeling right now, he wouldn't even call what he'd felt then 'frustration'.
He took deep breaths to calm himself down. He tried not to get angry at Akito, knowing something was definitely wrong with his way of perceiving things.
Akito tried to speak but he chose to not, eventually. His pale cheeks flushed. God, why was he like this? Clenching his fists he feebly spoke.
"...Can we just go for now?" His hands fidgeted, lightly tugging on the hem of his black cardigan. His head was tilted down, avoiding looking at the boy in front of him. He felt slender arms wrapping around him, slowly. A head buried itself on his shoulder. The gentle hands caressed his back. Finally, the soothing voice murmured into his neck.
"You are never alone, Akito. I'll always be here for you. So stop..." Akito shivered as he felt the shaky, warm breaths on his neck.
"Stop tormenting yourself."
The embrace tightened around him. He reciprocated the blissful hug as he felt like Toya indwelled within him.