Work Text:
Ms. English,
Have heard about your noble struggles re: She Of Whom We Do Not Speak. Enclosed is signed advance copy of Complacency of the Learned VI.I: Through Broken Glass. Enjoy.
Cheers,
Lalonde
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dear miss lalonde,
thank you very much for your thoughtful gift!!! i made time to read it asap, since i am such a huge fan of c.o.t.l., as you hip youngsters are abbreviating it nowadays ;) you probably dont know this, but i have been trying to get up the chutzpah to send you a fan letter! it sounds a little bit silly now that i say it, though. you are clearly a very sweet and approachable lady! i don't know what i was so frightened of!
lots of love,
jade english
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Ms. English,
I believe that might be the first time I have ever been accused of being approachable. Regardless, I'm quite glad that you enjoyed the novel, and especially to hear that you're already a fan. I suppose even famous and successful magnates must have hobbies of their own, but I hardly expected to be so esteemed. I'm willing to consider your letter as fan mail, to save you the hassle of composing another for the sole purpose of singing my praises. You must be a very busy woman.
Regards,
Ms. Lalonde
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dear miss lalonde,
gee, did you have your secretary write me that first letter? ;) thats more like the miss l i hear so much about. you know i would be happy to write a whole pamphlet telling you how great you are! like you said, even famous people have free time, and friends too. id love to make time for you!
lots of love,
jade english
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Ms. English,
I don’t have a secretary, actually. I should invest in one; maybe they would help me to stop losing important mail. I was far from certain how you’d receive my gift, and the last thing I wanted to do was to come off as inappropriately eager.
I’m quite flattered by your affection (!). I wouldn’t pressure you for a mushy missive, but I’m as excited about our correspondence as you are - at the risk of sounding adolescent, would you like to be pen pals?
Ms. Lalonde
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oh my gosh!!!!!! i would love to be your pen pal!!!! oh wow, this is really exciting! im so glad you like me hehehe. i dont really know what pen pals talk about though, but im sure we can come up with something, since we are such a couple of smarty pants...es!
maybe i should ask you about your next book since i liked the last one so much! or should i tell you about what im doing? i shot down one of crockercorps hunter seeker drones with my rifle a few minutes ago and it was GREAT!
pen pal xx oo,
jade english
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Ms. English,
You what?
Good lord. I’d like to hear some more about that, if it isn’t too much of a hassle? Although if we’re traveling down that route of conversation perhaps we should look into some kind of cryptographic measures to, I don’t know, prevent us from making ourselves larger targets.
You have read the academic discourse on the symbolism in Complacency, right? Or do you just enjoy it for the wizards? Not to imply that wizards aren’t a valid reason to enjoy my work. Wizards are a valid reason to enjoy anything, in my august opinion. And since you asked so nicely, I’ll give you a hint about the next book: the death count rises precipitously! That’s all you’re getting, mind you. I wouldn’t want to spoil the fun.
Pen pal hugs and kisses, apparently,
Rose Lalonde
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of course i know all about the sneaky little punches you put in there!!! that’s half the fun! (the other half is the wizard sex.) you are a big inspiration to all of us out here. we wish we could be sitting in our apartments writing books instead of getting shot at!!! wait, that sounded kind of bad. i didnt mean you arent in danger! or that you arent helping! ugh, maybe i should just toss this letter and start over :\ this isnt a very good start to pen palling!
ill just change the subject! um, you wanted to hear about me shooting down the drones?? (there were more after i sent the last letter! they all got really confused when i lifted the mailbox arm and put something inside. then they started shooting missiles at me. i think they might not know how mail works!!!!!) it was a pretty regular day, actually. they got word of where we were hiding out and came at us all in a big red spiky cloud, i bet you would have loved to see it! maybe i should take some pictures next time! we even took them all out without any casualties! :D
as much fun as this is though i kind of miss just being the ceo of skaianet! it was a lot easier making the batterwitch mad when all i had to do was sell a bunch of green toasters and dorky looking helmets. :( im sorry, i didnt mean to get all mopey all over you. gee, this letter really is a disaster!
sorry,
jade english
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Jade,
Don’t worry about it. Really. Don’t worry about offending me, either - I was hurt for only the briefest of moments before my team of butlers, flown in from Butler Island on my private jet, toted away my emotions on their well-polished platters.
I doubt you have many people to confide in, and though I’m not forcing my shoulder onto you, it’s there if you need somewhere to cry your frustrated rebel tears. It sounds like you’re doing well, at least, and I’m sure that soon enough you’ll topple her pastry empire and be able to return home. Of course, I’ll be here, doing my very best to help. Protecting one’s friends is a marvelous motivator for literary bitterness.
I’d love some pictures of your daily routine, contingent, of course, on your own inclusion in them. Somehow publicity photographs just aren’t the same. Do try not to get blown up while you’re snapping Polaroids, though. I don’t have another pen pal lined up.
Stay safe,
Rose
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oh rose <3 it looks like i really lucked out with making such a great friend, huh! even though youre so sweet about it i think ill keep the pouting to a minimum!!! i dont want to get you down, and anyway its important to stay positive! theres always something worth fighting for no matter how bad it looks. i have jake, and you, and the whole human race to worry about, so i cant be whining about getting rocks in my shoes! <3 <3
i took some pictures just for you, too. they should be in the envelope unless the dumb postman stole them or something. i wouldnt put it past them!!! back in my day we had a mail system that worked with no fuss or muss!!!!!!! ugh. the batterwitch ruins EVERYTHING. anyway! im holding my gun in the first one, and the second one is some of the drones i told you about, and the last one is me with jake <3
love,
jade
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Jade,
You’re far too kind. All this praise is going to go straight to my head, you know, and then I’ll be writing my reviewers angry letters saying that their rampant criticism can’t possibly be correct because Ms. English doesn’t agree. And the optimism, well. Keep going and you might have me on your side. There’s something infectious about your enthusiasm.
The pictures arrived safely; there’s no need to worry. Unless someone swapped your grainy candid photographs with these slick ones of a stately and, if I might say so, quite attractive woman. You’re positively a ray of light in that wasteland, and - your son. He’s -
I didn’t even know you had a son.
Rose
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hee hee, oh, youre too kind!!!! you should see how hard im blushing, you being so sweet to me. i cant exactly take a hot shower every night out here but i clean up when i can. im glad you think i look nice anyway.
jake is my grandson, you silly! i know you dont really think i look that young ;) (hes adopted, for what its worth!) i dont talk about him much, for obvious reasons, like assassins and counterterrorism units and stuff like that!!! but i trust you. i know you wouldnt hurt him, or me, come to think of it!! you are a really tops lady, rose. im glad youre on our side.
love,
jade
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Jade,
It might surprise you to hear it from a woman like myself, but I’ve always wanted a child. The thought that I might pass on my genes, however hopelessly scrambled they might be, is one that has an odd sort of appeal. Of course, parthenogenesis is out of the question, and I can’t help but imagine that mine would be a disappointing home for an adopted child. I doubt I even remember how to decorate for the holidays. My own mother was never much for winter cheer.
There I go again, making our correspondence entirely about myself. Your grandson looks like a delightful little ragamuffin. And those pistols he’s holding! I’d ask you if that was safe, but I’m assuming that drone he’s sitting on is his own kill. Impressive. He’ll be a full-fledged resistance fighter in no time, wielding his little popguns for the good of humanity. I’m sure you’re very proud.
Enclosed is a picture of me, since you were so kind as to send yours; I found that there was a distinct lack of interesting poses to take part in, and also there’s no one to hold the camera for me, so you just get the one.
Love and rockets,
Rose
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Jade,
It’s been a few weeks since I sent my last letter, and I’m beginning to suspect it got lost in the ebb and flow of revolutionary rescription. Luckily, I keep copies of my correspondence; if you did in fact not receive my letter, I’ll gladly resend it and the Special Surprise enclosed therein. (Just like a prize in your cereal, except instead of a decoder ring it’s your pen pal trying to take a decent photograph of herself at four in the morning.)
Hoping you’ll get this one,
Rose
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Jade? Are you still - did you get my letter? It’s been months. I’m worried. Please, write me back. Please.
Rose
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dear darling rose!!!,
im so sorry if you sent me anything i didnt get!!!! i was out of commission for a while and i couldnt exactly get to the mail and anyway they didnt know where to deliver it -
oh fuck it all!!!!!!!! the batterwitch finally got me and jake!!! that god damn space stalin scooped us both up in her stupid bony clutches and dumped us on a dumb little island out in the middle of bum duff nowhere!!! i dont know why she didnt just kill us! i guess she wanted us to know that she can do whatever she wants to us, but jokes on her, being out heres not going to stop me for a minute!!! i built me and jake a nice little place to stay and cut a deal with a postman who flies over every now and then, so i shouldnt drop off the radar again for a GOOD LONG TIME!
i missed you so much rosie and im so sorry i couldnt send you any letters so you wouldnt worry! if you worried. i mean i dont want to assume that you missed me too!!! but i hope you did! anyway dont you worry for a second, im not going to go anywhere, not anymore! this time its EVEN MORE PERSONAL!!!!!
SO MUCH LOVE,
jade
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Dearest Jade,
Oh my god. I thought you were dead. Don’t you ever scare me like that again! I don’t care if you send a carrier pigeon, just - don’t go.
I don’t know how much news you’ve gotten out there, if any at all, but CotL VI.II is out. I dedicated it to you. I hope that’s not too presumptuous. Oh, god, I hope that’s not why she came after you. I’m so sorry, Jade, if I had known I would have... I don’t know, come up with a clever way to let you know I care. I’m an embarrassing friend to have. I’m sorry.
I’ve attached the letter you missed - there were a few others, but their content was irrelevant worry. You had better make good on your promises to stay right where you are.
Love,
Rose
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rosie,
pffbbrrtrtbrtrtbrbrtttt!!!! (thats a raspberry noise! :D) no silly tyrant is going to kill me, im much harder to put down than that!! especially when i have a nice looking lady back home to worry for me. ;)
things are ok here, its quiet at least, even though there are a whole bunch of big ol monsters out there. me and jake can take care of them though! hes a real little pisspot, dont tell him i said that. maybe you can meet him someday. i think youd like him a lot!! i havent heard much news out here but i did get a copy of the new cotl and i saw your dedication!!! gosh, rosie. just. wow! i cant believe youd do something like that for me! and to be honest even if the batterwitch DID get wind of me that way i dont care. its worth it.
love,
jade
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Jade,
Your egregious flattery continues to astound me. I never imagined one single person could be so delightful, but I find new delights in each letter you send. I admire your tenacity, but have you ever heard of tempting fate? I wouldn’t want to lose you a second time. Even if the first time was only a momentary blip, I think I’ve found a few grey hairs already.
As indomitable as you are, says the author, unaware of her own hypocrisy, I can’t imagine that a few giant monsters would pose you and your brave gunman any problems. What kind of shelter have you made? I won’t have you living in a shack, I should tell you. I’ll fly out there myself and bring you an inflatable Waldorf-Astoria. Only the best for Ms. English and her grandson. I think I’d like to meet Jake, and you, too, of course. Maybe when this all blows over, you and he can meet my hypothetical daughter. We can eat ice cream and watch Dave’s Complacency films. (I’m sure you’ve heard of the great Mr. Strider. I doubt he’d let anyone living on the planet go without having his greatness thoroughly impressed upon them.)
(Another parenthetical statement: since it delights you so much, the rest of Complacency will be dedicated to a certain special someone.)
Love,
Rose
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rose,
god i cant even deal with how sweet you are to me!!!! if i had known i would be sending my photos to such a foxy young thing maybe i would have worn a dress! you and me and jake and your little girl can sit and hold hands and be a big happy family. i mean, if thats something youd like!! id like it. i think. i hope. wow look you got me all flustered, rosie!!!! :B you and your talk of families and movies and dedications!! a girl could get ideas!
i built a tower out of fullerene nanotubes held in place with this new proprietary strong dipole bond - um, its a whole lot of sciency gibberish but its really strong and should hold for plenty of time! thats why skaianet is the best. the tower isnt actually done yet, but theres enough space for me and jake, and you too, and mr strider if you wanted to bring him? unless that was just a joke. um. haha. i really wouldnt mind it if you came to visit, even if you didnt bring fancy inflatable hotels with you. it gets pretty lonely out here without anybody who can pronounce their rs!
lots and lots of love,
jade
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Jade,
I would rather eat my best pair of heels than bring Strider along on a date outing visit date special trip. I can’t drop everything and come to you right this moment - I’ve got to finish CotL whatever blasted number I’m on now, damn this contract - but I promise I’ll arrange something as soon as I possibly can. It’s been too long since I enjoyed someone’s company.
I can’t give you many more details just now, but that hypothetical daughter I mentioned - well, strange things are afoot, Jade. I’ll tell you more when I can. When I know what’s going on.
Love,
Rose
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oh golly, rosie, youre gonna have a baby? this is so exciting!!!!! what will you name her? whats she going to look like? will you bring her? :O im sorry, i bet you cant tell me any of that yet! its just so thrilling to think that you might really have a little girl like you wanted. i bet youd be the best mom any girl could ever ask for. youre always here for ME and we arent even related! <3 im so happy for you!
ill be sure to get a copy of your new book as soon as i can! i cant wait to see what happens. goodness knows theres nothing else to keep me busy on this damn island. >:( fighting a revolution is hard when you only get your mail six days a week cause you dont have an internet connection yet!!!! UGH! modern technology is so useless, rosie, make sure you never rely on it!!! thats your daily wisdom from a grumpy old lady.
love and kisses,
jade
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Dear Jade,
I’m tentatively excited, yes. I don’t have many more details yet, but, oh, Jade, she’s going to be beautiful, I just know it. I’ll do everything my own mother never did, and... I should stop before I get too excited. I scarcely even know what’s going to happen. My source is... perhaps “cagey” would be the best word. I offer you this tidbit of wisdom in exchange for your own: never trust people who type in grey.
I think it’s a bit too late to tell me not to rely on modern technology - I’ve quite a bit of experience with my treacherous word processor. Vast tracts of work have been lost to a momentary power flicker. Not even “save early, save often” will sweep you from the jaws of defeat, I’m afraid.
Prematurely joyful,
Rose
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Jade,
I’m sorry for writing you again so soon, but something has come up: that is, I’ve begun receiving messages from the Condesce. It seems one of her lackeys has finally notified her of the subversive nature of my novels and she’s taken an interest in forcing me to stop.
Needless to say, I will not be stopping. You’ve taught me better than that. My next letter might be a bit long in coming, but rest assured that I will get it to you if I have to deliver it by hand after a shipwreck. Stay safe out there, Jade. I’ll be thinking of you.
Love,
Rose
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oh god DAMN it!!!!! she wouldnt DARE come after you! im going to kill her with my bare hands if she lays a fishy finger on you! just as soon as i get off this stupid fucking island! hang on rosie, dont you worry, im coming!!
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Jade,
Don’t come here. It’s safe where you are, and she’s begun sending drones here. Dave managed to smuggle himself to my apartment, don’t ask me how, but he’s here. I won’t pretend that I trust him more than I do you, but -
I wish I was with you. I wish we were safe, I wish I had never written any of those stupid books, no matter how much I enjoyed rubbing my success in her face. I wish I had met my daughter. I wish I knew why this was happening. I wish a lot of things, and I’m afraid, and Dave is making noises with his armpit, which isn’t helping at all. I think he’s trying to cheer me up. I may use him as bait.
This might be my last letter to you, Jade. There are a lot of things I want to say, but I won’t. This only might be my last letter.
Rose
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rose you dont tell me what to do!!! i dont take orders from some dumb old author holed up in her dumb old apartment in dumb old new stupid york!!!!!! dont you dare get hurt before i get to meet you! you just stay there and dont let them hurt you and ill be there, i promise, ill be there, i wont leave you! i promise!
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i saw the news report. i
i should have been there, that should be me not you, not him, it should have been me fighting her and i never even got to hug you and tell you that youre what i was fighting for all along.
i dont know where this letter is going to go, but i wanted to write it, because i cant bear thinking about not writing letters to you anymore. maybe it was some really smart trick you and dave played, and youre really both ok, and somebody who knows is going to give this to you, and youll read it, and come to me and jake and we can live happily ever after on monster island.
but i dont really think so. theres no room for fairy tales anymore.
ill never stop thinking about you. or about your daughter. and ill make sure jake knows what you and i fought for, and about the daughter you never had. im not going to let the condesce get away with this, rosie.
i love you,
jade english.