Chapter Text
The first time Sirius Black met Loneliness was on his sixth birthday. He can’t recall exactly what he had done, but whatever it was, it was enough to send his mother into a fit of rage right before his birthday dinner. She had slapped him clear across the face and his father had grabbed his arm in a rather painful grip, squeezing hard enough to leave a bruise, and threw him into an empty cupboard, locking him in for the rest of the night. He heard his brother, still far too young to realize exactly the kind of people his parents were, ask his parents where he was as he sat down for dinner. Their mother had simply waved him off with a laugh, saying he had thrown another fit and decided to turn in for the night. “Right, of course.” Regulus had sighed and Sirius felt the white hot tears he had been trying his best to keep at bay begin to fall.
Loneliness had greeted him with open arms that night, in the cramped, dark, slightly damp cupboard and kept him company as the sky darkened and he cried and cried and cried . He was sad and hungry and he felt so so alone. He had learned a painful truth that evening, in the silence of the night, the curse of the family he was born into. To be a Black is to be cruel . It’s all they could know, all they will ever know.
He used to think he’d never have to feel lonely again, not after he'd met the Marauders. They had challenged his belief in the lesson Loneliness had taught him all those years ago in the cupboard. Maybe he didn’t have to be cruel . James, with his wild hair and ridiculous glasses, he had those ideas that would get them in serious trouble and then howling with laughter for hours after. Peter, small, shy little Peter, who would commit every small detail about you to memory as if it were as easy as breathing, who always knew every right thing to do and say to make you feel less shit about your life. They had shown him a different path. Opened up a whole new world of possibilities. They had shown him love . And Remus. Merlin, Remus . There weren’t enough words in any language to describe the beauty and complexity of Remus John Lupin. Every moment with him was intense and filled with care. He had had the privilege of calling him his once and he had gone and fucked it all up.
That night was the night when he learned that it was never his choice. Cruelty was in his nature. There was something fundamentally wrong with him and it shook him to the core. For the Marauders were no longer the Marauders anymore. And they never would be again. Now they were just three boys left to pick up the broken pieces left by the recklessness of their estranged fourth, doomed to walk the halls with the very idiot that ruined them. All for a stupid prank. That thought alone had motivated Sirius to place the fork that he’d been using to push his breakfast around down on his plate and push it towards Marlene who was inhaling the contents of both hers and Mary’s meals. He wasn’t very hungry anymore.
Lily frowned at him. Sirius made himself scarce around the Great Hall these days, he rarely left his bed. People used to see him running around every dark and dusty corner of Hogwarts with his friends, but now he wandered the corridors aimlessly, a painted smile on his face, without anyone to see through his bullshit.
After the Prank, all of Hogwarts had been buzzing, the four boys had been joined at the hip for the better part of the last five years and suddenly, out of nowhere, they had completely iced Sirius out. The three boys had gone on like nothing happened, like Sirius had never even existed. It hurt, if he was being honest, but it couldn't be helped. He knew he deserved it after all that had happened. But even as the rest of their peers lost interest in the spontaneous breakup of the group as time passed, there were three people in particular who were still stuck on it.
Lily Evans, Mary Macdonald, and Marlene McKinnon were the three girls in the friend group Sirius had once shared with James, Remus, and Peter, they had been the last pieces to their puzzle. When the Marauders weren't with each other, chances are they were with one of the girls. That’s why they had been so lost when the boys seperated. Like every other bloody student at Hogwarts, they were confused. But they were in the inner circle! They should have known what was going on, yet the boys remained unmovingly tight lipped; they had effectively been shut out. Lily knew, of course, she had to. Remus was her closest friend. And she seemed to seeth every time Sirius dared look up in the first two months following the fallout before it turned into cold staring. Mary and Marlene evidently didn’t. The most they had been able to squeeze out of the boys was that Sirius had opened his big mouth and it had royally fucked them all over, he had done something that could never be undone. The explanation had been kind of empty without the context, but they figured if what he did was bad enough to completely freeze him out, it was worse than they could imagine. The immediate souring of Lily’s face every time Sirius was seen or mentioned must have been the final nail in the coffin for them. It was clear, they need to stay away and out of this mess. And Sirius couldn't blame them for that either now, could he? Hell he wouldn't want to be friends with him either.
But lately, it was like something had shifted. The girls were starting to reach out. It had pulled a hint of a feeling through the thick haze covering his mind for the first time in weeks. He couldn't, for the life of him, pinpoint what it was. Probably because he did not have the energy to truly try. He didn't feel like he'd forgotten to glamour his now paler complexion or how gaunt his body had gotten. He kept the smile up, he laughed when he felt like he was supposed to, he remained charming and charismatic, keeping up the facade he had spent his childhood perfecting. Nobody was supposed to see through it because nobody but his former friends had ever bothered to look into it hard enough. He didn't understand what gave him away, searched desperately for the cracks in his mask before someone else saw them.
Maybe it was the way he would stare off into space in the middle of a lecture, lost in his mind. Maybe it was the way he stopped speaking to people, opting instead to let them speak to him and get so lost in their own speech, they don't even realize he hadn't so much as spoken a word. Maybe it was the way he had stopped meeting people’s eyes on the rare occasion he did speak to them. Maybe it was the way he had stopped rolling up his sleeves before he left the dorm or the angry red gashes that crisscrossed his forearms. No that couldn't be it. The glamour he used could hide him from even the greatest wizards with ease. It could fool Merlin himself. It was the first thing a Black learns when they are brought into this world. To hide.
They had been back from Christmas Hols for about a week and Sirius had managed to avoid every single one of the girls’ attempts to speak with him since he’d returned to school. On their first day back, Marlene had followed him to the other side of the castle and back, insisting that they should do something soon, a girls night, he kept walking, ignoring her attempt. She did it again the next day, much to his confusion. And again the next. Eventually a week had passed, it was as if Sirius’ silence only encouraged her endeavor. Lily had managed to find three of the hiding spots Sirius would hang around during the day while he waited for his roommates to fall asleep and would stare at him until he was forced to say something to her. She always insisted on him joining them for breakfast, he always made an excuse. Mary had managed to move her seat next to his in all five classes they shared together, talking with him and acting as if everything was normal and Sirius wasn’t a terrible, heartless person who could only bring the people who love him misery. He only listened to what she said and nodded along, remaining quiet, save for a few mindless words so she’d know he was following.
He could see in her eyes the way his silence disheartened her, but she carried on anyway and it made Sirius want to smack himself. He wanted so desperately to force himself to give her a proper response, a genuine emotion. He wanted to care, he really did, but he just couldn’t find it in himself to. Sometimes he was scared he didn’t have it in him to care deep down. That was a chilling thought.
Since the Prank happened, he only opened his curtains when he was sure his roommates were either out or dead asleep and on some days, he didn’t bother opening them at all, preferring to waste away in his bed. It had taken Lily barging into his dorm after the boys had left for breakfast and physically dragging Sirius out of his bed, demanding that he get his ass up and have a fucking meal with her and the girls or so help her God! to get Sirius downstairs. He had obliged only because one does not simply cross Lily Evans unless they have a death wish and it was far too early in the morning for death wishes. So he got in the shower for the first time that week and got dressed to join the girls in the Great Hall for breakfast. As soon as he stepped foot through the double doors, however, he immediately regretted it.
A little ways away from where they were seated, the boys were laughing and throwing food at each other, looking right as rain. They were wearing sweaters Peter’s mum must have made them and were so full of genuine joy that it made Sirius’ heart clench. He had spent the last five and a half months aching for the comfort only the Marauders could have provided and here they were, better than ever now that they don’t have a Black weighing them down. He couldn’t take it anymore. He got up and pushed his chair in, making a lame excuse about a migraine; Lily caught his hand as he passed.
“ Sirius .” she pleaded.
“Sorry, Lils.” he murmured, flashing his million dollar smile almost sheepishly, as he turned around and briskly walked towards the door, fighting back the tears threatening to fall on his way to his room. He fled. He went back to his bed and drew back the curtains, returning to the cold embrace of Loneliness.