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It was something of an inside joke for the Chain. It always started with, “Two Links go out to collect firewood and come back with…” and then they’d finish the sentence. At first, it wasn’t anything really surprising – “a handful of mushrooms” from Wild, “a purple rupee” from Legend, “an arrow in the knee” from Time. These little twists happened often enough that they started popping up in their daily campfire stories.
Things started ramping up when they started this joke before someone left to get said firewood. It became more of a challenge then. “Two Links go out to collect firewood and come back with…” and ten minutes later, someone would bring back literal trees, or five silver daggers, or shoulders full of birds, or fifteen acorns. There wasn’t much out there the last time, cut the sailor and traveler some slack.
Naturally, it didn’t take long for things to get ridiculous.
“Two Links go out to collect firewood and come back with…” Wind said loudly, drawing the group’s attention to Wild and Twilight, both of whom were heading away from their campsite after talking with Time.
“Probably nothing interesting, seeing as we haven’t seen much of anything,” Twilight called back, waving a hand and disappearing into the distance.
“Famous last words,” Legend muttered, shaking dust off of his bedroll and setting up next to Hyrule.
Several minutes later, the veteran’s words would prove true.
It started off with distant shuffling of leaves, then heavy running footsteps. Even heavier footsteps followed, and the group was up and armed with swords just as Twilight came into view.
“Don’t attack! Don’t attack!” His words were a little too panicked to get anyone to put away their swords, but a brown creature and a blue-shirted gremlin in the distance quickly answered any questions.
“A bear!” Wild cheered, bursting out of the trees on a huge brown bear. Everyone scrambled away, some grabbing blankets or bags to take with them as the bear roared, shaking off sticks, dirt, and leaves.
“I just cleaned this!” Warriors squawked, shaking off his scarf at the same time Sky booked it past him with a pot full of sloshing water.
“A little dirt in our soup won’t hurt anyone!” Hyrule laughed, trying to calm the bear down with Time.
“It’s for drinking!” Sky shouted, disappearing behind a tree. “Tell me when it’s gone!”
“Why did you bring a bear to our campsite?!” Legend snapped, keeping his sword a the ready.
“Because we went out for firewood!” Wild shot back with a cackle.
He wasn’t as amused when he was effectively grounded by Time. (“Grounded? From what?! And I’m eighteen, you can’t –” “No exploring for a week. You stay with the group on our hikes and stay in camp when we rest for the day.”)
For a while, no one brought up the firewood joke. Partially to keep shenanigans to a minimum and partly because Wild was salty for that whole week. And so was the food.
And then, someone brought it up without a second of hesitation.
“Hyrule and Legend partnering up? What a shocker.” Warriors said, grinning as he ducked a pinecone that was chucked at him. “So, these two Links go out to collect firewood and come back with…”
Everyone shot him a look. Granted, there were eight different versions of a look, but there was a pretty common theme of fear. Especially with Legend and Hyrule grinning evilly.
“I dunno. What do these two Links come back with, Hyrule?” Legend asked casually, pulling out a suspicious cloak from his bag.
“Got something in your pack that could help us look?” Hyrule asked in reply.
“Do you know who you’re talking to?”
Six Links tried to grab the dangerous duo before they got too far, but Legend whipped the cloak around them faster than anyone could blink, and the two Links were gone. After a brief moment of shocked silence, Four turned to Warriors and pointed an accusatory finger. “Whatever happens, you’re responsible.”
Warriors gulped. A minute passed. Two. Then five. Ten. Fifteen…
The group heard two sets of footsteps in the distance. Some of them put a hand on their weapons. Others dragged their bedrolls to the far side of camp. Wild leaned over his pot of food, protecting absolutely nothing. There was nothing they could do as Legend and Hyrule triumphantly returned to their camp with…
Nothing. Well, Hyrule had a handful of wood, but Legend had his arms wrapped around air.
Warriors glared at Legend with suspicion as the teen walked to the middle of camp and “set down” his armful of nothing. “This joke seems a little obvious for you, Vet.”
“Is it?” Legend asked, his smirk getting more and more obnoxious by the second. With no other explanation, he turned around and walked several steps away from him. Then, with little fanfare, he turned back around and sat, his smirk never wavering.
It was a trap. It was so a trap. But Warriors didn’t know what the trap was, and it irked him to no end. Legend was acting way too smug, and if it took “springing the trap” to call his bluff… “So you brought nothing.”
“Did I?” Legend shot back without missing a beat, checking his nails and cleaning some of the dirtier ones.
“You did,” Warriors stated, crossing his arms.
“Rude. Come say that to my face if you’re so sure.”
This was it. Call the bluff or spring the trap. Surely, it was the latter. It almost certainly was. But, with that small, infinitesimal chance that it might be a bluff… “Alright, I will.”
So, Warriors got to his feet and marched over to Legend. And by march over, he meant fall over. On his face. From tripping over nothing. There was nothing there! He ignored the laughter around him and looked back just to make sure. Nothing!
“What. In the actual –”
“Captain.”
“Time!” Warriors shouted, flipping himself up to stand taller than the sitting old man, gesturing to the ground behind him. “This… thing! That Legend brought could be dangerous!”
“What thing?” Hyrule asked, cocking his head in mock confusion.
“I don’t see anything.” Wind added.
“Grass?” Sky unhelpfully supplied.
“You’re all traitors,” Warriors stated bluntly.
“Nooo, we’re kidding!” Wind whined, backpedaling immediately and making a running start for Warriors only to also trip over a pile of nothing. He just barely bit back a yell as he fell into the captain's waiting arms.
“Sailor.”
“…I didn't even say it,” Wind muttered, pushing himself up to look at whatever he’d tripped over. Apparently, he couldn’t see it either.
“Seriously though, what is it?” Twilight asked, one of the only Links with a sword in his hand as he stepped closer to the suspicious area.
“A mimic.”
“What?!”
“That we made sure was completely harmless before bringing here.”
“Are you telling me you brought a literal monster to camp?!”
“Harmless monster – be nice to the little guy. It was also my idea, in case you were wondering.”
Legend and Hyrule were both grounded, though the latter only had two days while the former had the whole week. The traveler was supposed to have three days, except somewhere down the line, Wind got a cold and Hyrule saw some herbs off the road that would help.
Time also grounded Warriors for a day, which he felt was entirely uncalled for, but Four’s earlier comment apparently stuck with the old man. For his punishment, the captain was not allowed to brush his hair. For a full day. He had to deal with knots in his hair for a full day! The hair tie Wild sweetly gave him only sort of helped.
Unsurprisingly, the firewood joke was off the table for a couple weeks that time. A few of them almost forgot it existed. That is, until Time stood up one day with a long stretch.
“Well, my turn for firewood,” he announced, grabbing his bag and pulling out his ocarina. “An old man goes out to collect firewood…”
The innocuous statement had everyone freeze in their tracks, looking up only to see Time’s armor disappear in the mist that surrounded their camp.
“He’s joking, right?” Sky asked no one in particular.
No one particularly answered.
Just like last time, one minute turned to two. Then three. Five. Ten. Shuffling leaves sounded in the distance, but no footsteps. Eleven, twelve – footsteps, but no leaves shuffling. Thirteen, fourteen…
“Old man, you’re making the rancher jittery!” Warriors finally shouted. “Can you please get out of the fog?!”
Several more seconds passed before the familiar tinkling of Time’s armor reached their ears. A moment later, the Hero of Time returned with an armful of sticks.
“All that fuss for wood?” Twilight asked, circling around Time just in case.
“Just wood,” Time replied, moving nearby the firepit and kneeling to set the load down.
“Hold it!” Wind shouted, drawing the group’s attention as he pointed accusingly towards Time. “You never kneel! You always sit like an old man!”
“What does that even mean?”
“The point is,” Wind continued, ignoring the question. “Something’s up with that wood!”
“He was pretty gentle with a quote-unquote pile of sticks…” Legend said, scooting away from the sticks. The more curious Links got closer to it.
“Just sticks,” Time reconfirmed, lazily sitting next to his pile.
“What did you do to them?” Four asked skeptically, crossing his arms as he leaned around Sky to get a better look.
“Feels magical…” Hyrule muttered, sticking to Wild’s side.
“Do sticks usually glow?”
True to Sky’s word, the sticks suddenly started glowing, prompting everyone but Time to back away.
“Sprite, what did you do?”
“Are they fireworks?!”
“Fire-what now?”
“Guys, something’s moving!”
“Run for our lives?”
“Not in this fog, you’re not!”
No one noticed Time trying and failing to hold back his laughter as they argued. The only thing that silenced them was a very clear chime. No one could say a word before the sticks exploded, shots of pink and blue and yellow flying this way and that as – wait a second…
“Oh! Fairies!” Hyrule said with a smile, holding out his hand for three fairies to land on.
“Why do I keep forgetting that Time’s the worst prankster in the group?” Sky asked, holding out his hands towards a group of fairies that flew his way.
“Because he is,” Warriors declared, crossing his arms and somehow looking more menacing with an army of fairies around him. “These lovely ladies said their wings were getting tired from hiding in the branches. What do you have to say for yourself?”
Time didn’t blink. “I told them they could come out of hiding whenever they wanted as soon as I set them down.”
“And how long were you parading them around camp before you finally came back to actually put the branches down?”
Time did not have a good answer to that.
Needless to say, he was also grounded.