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Jecka really liked Nicole.
Which wasn’t necessarily a good thing.
There had been about five-thousand different opportunities for Jecka to verbalize the slightest inkling of her feelings. It had admittedly taken her a while to fully accept that she did have feelings for Nicole. The ‘I like girls, too’ part was already done and settled, or as much as it could be, but she really hadn’t expected to develop a crush on, well, Nicole.
Oh, but she did, though. She really did.
Why couldn’t it be Kelly? That would be so simple to get out of her system, even if she probably had to trick her into thinking that girls didn’t count or something, or whatever the hell kinda bullshit religious crap she’d have to wade through. But, no, it had to be Nicole. Of course it had to be Nicole.
Who else could it be, but Nicole?
Nicole was addictive. Her confidence. Her energy. Her sneer. Her eyes. Her hair. Every single angle of her, from every perspective, oh my God, she was gorgeous. Yeah, no, that was awesome, seeing her naked already, was so awesome as a thing she had burned into her memory that she may never see again even if it wasn’t that uncommon to see her naked.
But like. It would be cool. To get her naked.
If Nicole liked girls, well, there wasn’t an if, but more ‘did she realize it?’. Because that was something that even Jecka knew was so not okay to force. She didn’t have a whole lot of lines in the sand she wouldn’t instantly cross for a few reasons, but that—okay, that wasn’t one of them either, but it took more than just one pretty girl who might be unknowingly closeted to step over it. Whatever, that was bullshit, too, but it would make Jecka look way better if she waited for that to happen naturally.
And by ‘wait’ that obviously meant be super handsy, to an extent, affectionate, and constantly talk about how pretty and hot and stunning other girls were and insinuate as many things as possible in every conversation and it didn’t fucking work because she still sounded straight fuck! Such was the limbo and curse of talking to girls as a girl who liked girls. No matter how obvious you were, straight bitches made it seem straight because they were doing it too! Sometimes!
Probably not as much as Jecka assumed, but it felt like they were. Let’s model for each other! Yeah, that’s not gay. Let’s get naked for literally no reason at all! Not gay. Let’s pretend we’re lesbians! Somehow, also not gay. Sleep in my bed! Never gay. Sleep in my bed basically naked. Still not gay. Listen to me talk about fantasies about very effeminate men constructed in ways where we’re just started referring to them as women halfway through!
Let’s make out and play gay chicken, oops, we had sex and we haven’t blinked yet!
Nope. Not. Gay.
Just girls being girls—this was so fucking stupid that Jecka thought she’d get an aneurysm if she pushed it any further. Nicole wasn’t stupid. But she might be that repressed. Or anxious. Scared. Maybe Jecka was making it worse? Or maybe Nicole assumed it was all teasing or bullshit because she had not wanted to be ‘sexed up abusive lesbians’.
Maybe Nicole had put herself out there, actually tried to make a different kind of connection, and Jecka had rebuffed her. At first, she felt a little guilty when looking at it from that angle. And then she stopped feeling guilty, because what kind of lunatic asks that of someone?!
Why would anyone want that?! She would have said yes to sexed up, and like, maybe she was a lesbian, she really didn’t know, because did attraction to men fade after figuring out you like girls or could it be both? Being bi was like, an ‘in between’ thing, right, or could you just be that? It wasn’t urgent but it was a thing she thought about—whatever!
The only solution was to do the one thing guys were forced to do that actually made sense: be the one to ask the girl out. Which was also stupid, but look, Jecka was out of options and ideas.
So, that’s what she was going to do. Walk right up to Nicole in the morning, take her aside, tell her she liked girls, and that she liked her, and that as long as she was okay with not, like, setting Jecka on fire or whatever, that would be a cool thing to do let’s just do it please dear God please except not that, since Jecka was not desperate and knew her worth.
Even if her worth might be different with girls. Shit, was that how it worked? Whatever, figure it out later.
Unfortunately, Jecka didn’t have a chance to take Nicole aside that afternoon, because Jecka had chickened out for half the day, since Nicole did it for her, dragging her into the bathroom right before lunch with the weirdest looking half smirk on her face. Wait. Was—was she just going to do it for her? Did all of the waiting pull off? Oh my God, hell the fuck yes! Yeah! Jecka was an absolute genius and the best person ever and she was going to make out with Nicole for literally days and weeks and—
“Hey, before everybody else hears, Ari came out to me like five minutes ago, asked me out, and now we’re kinda dating,” said Nicole, with a shrug. “I’m just universally hot, and now I’ve got proof. Badass, right?”
“You’re dating—” Jecka screamed inside of her head so loudly she was actually shocked Nicole didn’t hear it. That stupid poser bitch, what the fuck did she think she was—Ari? Really? Ari?! Was this karma for making out with her at Pride over the summer and never talking about it?! Because it seemed like she didn’t want to talk about it godfuckingdamnit, Ari, you slut! “You’re dating Ari?”
“Yeah.” Nicole raised a brow. “You heard the other thing, right? Universally—”
“Yes, I heard you. Universally hot, I got it. Not really surprised, Nicole. I don’t know why you would be either.”
“I’m not surprised, but of the two of us, which of us has proof of it?” Nicole grinned. “Unless you’ve been holding out on me. C’mon, no way I beat you to this.”
“If we’re talking about dating, yeah, you did. I have never dated a girl before,” snipped Jecka. “Congratulations. You really knocked it out of the park there, slugger. Home-fuckin’-run.”
“Why are you so mad? What, is this a problem?”
“Woah, you should know it’s not a problem! Not—not that kind of a problem!” Jecka bit her lip and almost snapped. Almost started yelling at Nicole. Almost told her everything she’d just fucked up. But she didn’t. She could wait. No way this would last longer than a month. “There’s no problem.”
“I know; I’m just messing with you, chill.”
“So, you’re just—” Jecka flicked her hands about, this close tearing her hair out. Okay, not her hair, but Nicole’s hair. Wait, don’t visualize that—damnit! “You’re a lesbian now, then, right? That’s it? Out of the closet?”
“As of like five minutes ago, sure, I guess so. I honestly never thought about any of this stuff. Didn’t see the point. But, I mean, I’m dating a girl, Jecka.” Nicole shrugged, as if that was actually anything close to an answer. Which it was. It frustratingly was, not that Jecka understood why frustration was where her heart went. “That’s what lesbians do. What else would I be?”
“Nicole, it’s not about the label, it’s about being out. Because you came out to me, right now, and I need to know if you want to be out to everyone.”
“Good point.” Nicole crossed her arms and hummed, her eyes narrowing in what were likely the most horrifically beautiful thoughts. “Wait, I came out to you.”
“You sure did, Nicole.”
“I hadn’t really thought about what this would be like, but isn’t it supposed to be, you know…” Nicole bobbed her head. “Surprising?”
“Were you surprised with Ari?” Jecka raised a brow. “Even if you’d only been here a week, it’s like she’s trying to scream how gay she is at everyone just with her look.” She rolled her eyes. “The larger question is why she thought it was a secret—you know what, I don’t actually care.”
“Okay, sure, but you weren’t surprised about me.”
“That is correct.”
“Please tell me the whole school doesn’t just assume I’m gay.”
“You are gay, Nicole. You just said you were a lesbian.”
“That doesn’t mean I want to look like a dumbass when I tell people I’m dating Ari! This should be breaking news, and a massive blow to the morale of every guy we’ve met, and I dunno, cause irreparable brain damage!”
“There’s a lot to unpack there, and I don’t think we have the time, so, to blow right past all of that, no, Nicole, it is not that obvious. Only if you spend as much time around you as I have.”
“Oh, cool.” Nicole’s face twisted. “If you knew that, why didn’t you tell me? I could’ve just said I was a lesbian to every guy trying to flirt with me for the past—”
“Ten months.”
“—ten months, wow, that fast? What the hell, though, you should have told me!”
“First of all, that’s only going to motivate the worst guys we know to show you that you’re not actually a lesbian, and I am really concerned that you didn’t know that.” Jecka frowned. “Second, I should have told you that you were a lesbian?” She took a very deep breath. “Play that back in your head a few times if you somehow don’t see the problem.”
“No, I get it. I would’ve believed you, though.” Nicole snickered. “Okay. Cool of you not to care.”
“Yeah. I’m the best.” Jecka grit her teeth with a smile. “Super cool of me.”
“What’re you pissed about now?” Nicole snorted. “Don’t tell me you fell for me and you’re suddenly jealous of—”
“Go fuck yourself and then Ari and then yourself,” snarled Jecka. “I am way out of your league, and do not ever forget that.”
“I was kidding!” Nicole gave her an odd look. “You’ve been up and down this whole conversation.”
“I’m just—” Jecka clenched her jaw, and her stomach started fighting her spine. “I’m really hungry. Super low blood sugar.”
“Oh, yeah, I get it. Wanna skip and grab lunch with me?”
“It’s literally the lunch period right now.”
“I know.” Nicole smirked. “Wanna skip and grab lunch with me?”
“You mean ‘Jecka, do you want to use your gas money and your other money to drive us somewhere that you'll just pay for entirely’, Nicole?”
“You get me.”
“You’re such an ass.” Jecka swallowed down everything with a smile. She could wait it out. She could wait out everything. “But it’s a good one, and I guess you’re worth feeding and keeping around.”
Jecka could wait. It wouldn’t be long. She could wait.
It was gonna suck, though.