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All things considered, it probably should not come out as a surprise, that Doctor Heinz Doofenshmirtz – self-proclaimed evil genius – succeeded in things when he was not actively attempting to accomplish them.
The trap sprung successfully for once. And splendidly so. For all the times Heinz tried to thwart his nemesis’ interferences, this was not at all how he wanted to capture Agent Platypus.
At this point, Perry found it endearing.
Perhaps a tad uncomfortable, granted – after all, the metal coil was squeezing around his rib cage rather tightly, and his hands were trapped, crammed against his chest. But, truth to be told, Perry also found the whole situation utterly hilarious.
“Stop laughing! I have no idea how to dismantle this thing!” Heinz was nearly apoplectic with panic.
Perry laughed even harder. He was breathless, starting to feel lightheaded. What was worse, his nose was itching.
“NORM!” Heinz yelled, wedging a screwdriver between the plates of the coil, nicking Perry’s skin through his shirt and waistcoat. “Don’t… do not move, I know it’s sharp, I know it, don’t wiggle, Perry the wigglypuss!” Heinz scoffed at Perry’s fresh burst of laughter. “This is not funny at all! Wait… I did not use the laughing powder in this, did I?”
Perry attempted to hum in thought, but it came out as a chuckle.
“NORM! Can’t you locate your head or what?!” Heinz’ voice skipped an octave, sheer panic infusing it. “Come here this instant!”
Instead of Norm, Vanessa peered her head into the laboratory. “Ooo, kinky,” she whistled. “You finally caught Perry, dad? Congrats. Norm’s charging, by the way.”
“Verdamn! No, it’s not… ugh.” Heinz groaned. “Okay, sweetie, I need you to hold this screwdriver here, so I can get Perry out. Would both of you stop laughing?!”
She frowned in thought, looking from her frantic dad to the dishevelled secret agent. “Where’s your hat?” she asked, suspicion mounting.
Perry grinned sheepishly at her, eyes twinkling with mirth.
“We’re off hours,” stated Heinz.
Vanessa looked back at her dad. She took in the missing lab coat over clothes that were not his usual black sleeveless turtleneck and grey cargo pants combination. He wasn’t dressed casually either, those were his good clothes. His date clothes. “Oh. Oh. Ohoho!” Vanessa grinned and practically pranced to the trap, taking over the screwdriver.
“Thanks, sweetie, hold it tight,” Heinz mumbled something that sounded like a string of Drusselsteinian curses under his breath and ran away to locate the pliers.
“So…” Vanessa grinned. “Decided it’s high time to break the betting pool, eh?”
Perry made a chirping sound, winking at her.
The mechanism of the coil tightened again and it forced his breath out of him in a painful yelp.
“Dad!” she yelled, panic rushing through her.
She heard a crash of glass, something shattering and running footsteps.
“Oh, no,” came right after as he skidded to a halt next to her. He jammed his bare fingers into the crack between the plates and tore them apart.
Perry’s breath hitched. Not due to the confines of the trap. His heart also skipped the beat. Not out of fright.
Heinz loosened the trap around him enough that Perry could wiggle himself free. He slipped out, completely breathless. Again, not because of the ended imprisonment.
“You good?” asked Heinz. He looked vulnerable. Terrified and flushed from the exertion.
Perry never wanted to kiss this ridiculous man so hard.
At Perry’s shaky thumbs up Heinz released a heavy sigh. With disdain he looked down at his hands, fingers spread. The sharp edges of the plates sliced through the artificial skin and revealed the metallic gleam hiding beneath. “I need my spare hands,” he complained. He jerked his head back up at Perry so fast the cracking of his neck spine was audible. “And I need to check your chest. All that pressure might have cracked a rib or two. I have a roentgen here.” He looked around his laboratory, folding his hands over his chest, trying to ignore the throbbing of the pain in the exposed nerves of the damaged skin. “Somewhere…”
Vanessa quirked her eyebrow. “Why do you have an x-ray... Actually, I don’t want to know.”
Perry started to sign, but Heinz hushed him up without looking. “Safety, yes, I know. I know! I’ll find it, real quick. Just give me a moment.”
Perry and Vanessa shared a look.
“You know what,” sighed Vanessa, “I’ll order pizza.”
Perry nodded, smiling at her, then waved her out of the room. He took a deep breath and clicked his tongue to get Heinz’ attention, hesitant to nudge his shoulder as usual in case it would cause him more discomfort. He raised his hand curled loosely into a fist, forefinger sticking out, and with a flick of his wrist pointed it at Heinz’ hands.
“Yes, yes, you’re right. Physician heal thyself and all that rock ’n’ roll.”
Perry chuckled at the mangling of the phrase, wincing from the soreness of his chest.
Heinz was immediately on him, reaching out to stabilise Perry, ignoring his own pain. He wrung his hands, tearing the cuts further. “I’m sorry to botch this up even before we started.”
Perry blinked in surprise. He huffed and tiptoed to peck Heinz on his cheek, just a soft, reassuring touch of lips.
“Huh,” was all Heinz managed to say in the face of Perry’s fond eyes. “You really don’t mind, do you?”
Perry grinned. Heinz was chaos personified and Perry wouldn’t have it any other way.
They forfeited the dinner reservation in the end, phoning the restaurant to let them know. Instead, they watched a show Vanessa was a fan of, sharing the pizzas among themselves as she explained the overarching plot intricacies.
Which was, in Perry’s opinion, quite great as first dates go.
It was not exactly an unusual occurrence.
Heinz opened his mouth to complain about the decor of the restaurant. Which was the reason, well, one of them, Perry took him there – he was really curious about Heinz’ opinion on whatever those plastic monstrosities were. But a painfully loud, metallic screech interrupted Heinz, drowning out the hubbub of the place.
Perry raised an eyebrow.
“Not my doing,” huffed Heinz out defensively. “I think.”
Two humongous robots locked in a battle burst through the wall of the building, destruction and debris in their wake.
“Schön,” Heinz whistled. “Definitely not mine though, I don’t do the steampunk-ish aesthetic. Oh, but the hydraulic punch is a really neat idea. Would you mind if I incorporate it in one of my schemes?”
Perry hummed in agreement and took Heinz’ hand in his to drag his complaining nemesis along the rest of the rapidly evacuating dinner guests. The structural integrity of the building became questionable. People calmly chatted among themselves as they vacated the premises, some even took photos of the battle on their phones. Such weird things happened all around Danville all the time.
They ended up on the roof of a nearby storehouse with an excellent view of the mayhem on the street when Perry’s watch started the obnoxious beeping. With a sigh, Agent Platypus flipped open the communication.
Major Monogram’s face appeared. “Ah, Agent P, excellent.” Before Perry even managed to raise a finger in protest, he continued: “Now, I know you were very protective of that time off you have right now, but we have a situation. There are rampaging robots on the loose –”
Perry cut him off by angling the watch to the battle below.
“Oh, already on the scene of the crime. How effective of you. Agents Eagle and Snail will be your backup in dismantling those rogue battle droids.”
“Oh no no no! No way.” Heinz manoeuvred himself into the call. To do so, he practically hugged Perry from behind, pressing his torso tight against Perry’s back.
Perry’s brain short-circuited a bit. He leaned into the embrace.
“You have other agents working for you, Francis! I know you do, you’ve just named two of them! And they are competent.” Heinz pondered for a moment. “Well, at least Sergei the Snail is, I don’t know about Ernesto the Eagle, never seen him at work. But anyway, why does Perry have to be involved at all?!”
Major Monogram looked genuinely baffled. “He’s my best agent.”
“That doesn’t mean he has to do all the dirty work!”
They started bickering.
Carl entered the conversation via a smaller screen that popped from the side of Perry’s watch. “I’ve sent your exact coordinates to Ernesto and Sergei. They’ll be there any minute. Ummm…” His eyes darted at Heinz, who just rested his chin on the top of Perry’s head and continued berating Major Monogram. “Could you persuade Doctor D to help me triangulate the signal that’s controlling the robots? It seems like no one from our stable evil-doers is behind it, and they’re likely to take offence at somebody new encroaching on Danville like that.”
Perry smirked, not extracting himself from the cradle of Heinz’ arms.
Just then, Agent Snail entered the fray by dramatically kicking out the door of its hinges. He heaved a sigh and looked at the incriminated door now lying listlessly on the concrete floor of the rooftop. He propped them back onto the entranceway and finally faced Perry and Heinz. His blonde eyebrows drew up in surprise once he noticed the lack of distance between them. He gave thumbs up, eyes sparkling in amusement, and loitered into the field of view of the communication.
Neither Major Monogram nor Heinz acknowledged his presence.
Ernesto the Eagle crash-landed on the roof. He raised the deformed hang-glider from himself, pointing an accusing finger at the assemblage therein. “Oh, come on!” he gasped theatrically, face split by a huge grin. “I had my money on you two not getting together before the end of this summer!”
Perry grinned. He raised his hand to his mouth, open palm and fingers stretched out, and sent it down to his chest level with a twist of his wrist so the palm ended up facing outwards, only to quickly repeat the gesture, this time with the middle finger curled, pointing into his palm: Bad luck.
“Could you all please concentrate on the work?” complained Major Monogram. “There are rogue robots to stop.”
“This is Danville,” came unison in reply, not a single voice bothered by the situation.
“Not even the weirdest thing that happened just this week,” said Sergei, nodding his head to the ongoing robotic battle below.
“Yeah,” agreed Ernesto. “What’s more unusual is that the betting pool’s busted. There’s thousands in it. I thought it would go on forever.”
“Anyway,” Sergei pointed at the robots. “Work now. We can deal with the betting pool on the next pub run. Heinz, you’re cordially invited. Don’t worry, we have insurance. Now, gentlemen, en garde!”
Ending the call without waiting for the reaction of Major Monogram, Perry extracted himself from the embrace and put on his fedora.
“Perry the Platypus!” Heinz gasped. At Perry’s raised eyebrows and amused grin, he grinned himself and continued: “I don’t know what you’ve done to my date, or from where exactly did you pull out that hat, but if you could just get me the CPUs of those robots. Big boxy thingies, full of circuits, usually located where one’s brain ought to be. And oh, do be careful. Doctor’s orders.”
Perry tipped his fedora and winked. This ridiculous man is going to be the death of him.
Both robots dealt with, Sergei and Ernesto went chasing after the signals of their puppeteers, all the minor injuries they sustained during dismantling the droids already patched up by Heinz.
“So sorry about this being another weird date,” Heinz apologised again, tilting Perry’s head up with a firm grip of his chin to examine the gash on his eyebrow. “Doesn’t need stitches either. Good.”
Had Perry retained the ability to formulate thoughts, he would have vehemently protested that this particular date rocked, robotic interruption notwithstanding. But he was once again helpless against the mind-numbing effect the proximity of his dearly detested nemesis-turned-friend-turned-partner had on him. So instead he simply leaned into Heinz’ touch, churring contentedly.
It all went well, suspiciously well even, this latest date night of theirs. Normally, one generally could expect more mayhem in Danville’s fairgrounds. Especially if one is accompanied by such a trouble-magnet as Heinz Doofenshmirtz, or has such ridiculously demanding work as Perry Fletcher. Normally, but apparently not tonight.
It was perhaps a bit juvenile for men their age, but they both thrived in unconventional – their relationship the strongest proof of that.
It all went well. Until Heinz leaned closer, interlacing their fingers, and whispered into Perry’s ear: “And now I have you at my mercy, Perry the Platypus. Succumb to my evil plans.” He was joking, the bumper cars on his mind, well aware of how Perry reacts to his driving.
Perry’s mind did not interpret it so and went a whole other direction. Which distracted the formidable Agent Platypus enough that he walked straight into the lamppost, full-force.
“I think you might be concussed,” said Heinz, shining a penlight into Perry’s eyes, scowling at the reactions of his pupils.
Perry felt too lightheaded to even chirp in his usual manner. It might have been due to the hit to his head, or it might have to do with the fact that he was currently lying on the couch back at D.E.I. with his head resting in Heinz’ lap. A packet of frozen vegetables was thawing on the coffee table next to them, no longer applied to Perry’s sore brow.
Heinz checked the pulse at Perry’s wrist, his own hands lingering. Perry liked Heinz’ hands – artificial yet warm, strong enough to bend steel and yet their touch was feather-light. Soft, always a bit hesitant, afraid of hurting. Afraid of being too much. His ridiculous man. Perry gave him a face-splitting smile.
“You… your heartbeat is a bit frantic,” said Heinz, stammering a bit under the fond look. “Are you sure you don’t need to be checked out at the OWCA infirmary? I can drive you.”
Perry made a disagreeing sound, taking Heinz’ hand and carefully guiding it to rest at his torso, laying his own hand atop it, trapping it between his palm and his heartbeat.
Heinz hummed and carded the fingers of his other hand through Perry’s hair. “You know. Apart from the possible concussion, I think this was our best date to date.”
Perry huffed out in amusement. Best date? No mislaid and suddenly activated traps, no battling robots, no alien invasions, no vegetables coming alive and attempting to break free from the restaurant (catching them all up was actually a pretty amusing couple activity), no evildoers hellbent on world domination, no nosy colleagues nor well-meaning family members, just them and a little bit of domestic mayhem?
He chirped in wholehearted agreement.