Work Text:
“Do you only want me because you can’t have him?”
Alva froze, not that he was doing anything, and shut his eyes forcefully. The Night Watch wasn’t meeting his eyes, but opted to fidget with the blanket covering his bare skin instead.
Oh Great Eye of Darkness, he should’ve expected this.
“Precisely what are you referring to?” The Hermit asked calmly, already knowing. A part of him wished he’d already talked about it with Ithaqua in a bit more detail. Or that Ithaqua brought it up literally any other time.
“Hermann Zeeman.” Ithaqua made extra effort to avoid the Hermit’s gaze. “Your work is everything to you. And you like to be alone. Anyone you let work with you… must be…” Alva had to strain hard to hear the last word. “Special.”
Did Ithaqua dwell on this thought from time to time? Well, maybe. The Night Watch was aware that he wasn’t the only one who had ever been in Alva’s life. But not even the thought of his widow evoked the tightness in his chest that the thought of his business partner did. The timing may be awful, and may have ruined the mood of the afterwards of lovemaking, but Ithaqua would never truly find a “right time” to ask such a question, would he?
And worse was, that it was a fair point. Even worse, a correct one. Maybe Alva wouldn’t say special, but certainly important. Hermann was the extent of his human contact, his understanding, a difference in perspective. For the 20 years of his active work, Hermann was the most important thing to him. And as much as Alva wanted to deny it, to spit on every memory of that man that led him down that path, Ithaqua wasn’t stupid.
The Night Watch wished he hadn’t said anything. It was hard to elaborate what he meant by that because he didn’t really know. In fact, all he could think about was his own guilt. Alva had always, always been so honest about the life he lead before death. The least he could do is not meet that transparency with uncomfortable questions.
Still, Alva nodded. “That makes sense, yes, but tell me. Do you often worry about things along this line?” The Hermit’s face wasn’t necessarily showing it, but his eyes softened with worry. Ithaqua had a habit of bottling up uncomfortable feelings until he could simply no longer, and he feared this was one of such times.
Ithaqua shook his head, refusing the question. “Am I coming off as insecure?” Stupid question, of course he was. God how he wished he hadn’t said anything at all. Gripping the sheets more harshly, he almost started moving away to the edge of the bed. He wanted to curl in on himself. How shameful that his jealousy of a man that was no longer alive allowed him to sour their tender night.
Alva knew what that meant and put his mild annoyance aside to hold his hand out. “Maybe you do. That’s not an issue.” Through the mask Ithaqua’s eyes met his. The blue irises shimmered like a diamond in an ocean of black sclera, washed over with a sea foam of white eyelashes. It was almost impressive, the ability to be stunned by beauty you had never seen. It radiated, he would’ve said.
Ithaqua’s hands were large, thin and bony yet still soft. Alva enjoyed running circles into his palm when either of them were upset. As he did it in that moment, he hoped that wouldn’t convey any sort of distress to the other. Which was futile, as Ithaqua seemed quite distressed already.
“Hermann was special to me, yes.” The inventor began, a little unsure of where he was going. “We did many different things and had many different experiences.” Alva closed his eyes yet again, furrowing his brows. “My feelings about him are complex. I do often wish he were still here. I’ll admit I still cling to this ideal, picturesque life where we made it. A life where both of us had proved ourselves and I have the security that it really, truly wasn’t all for nothing. And of course it wasn’t, because nothing happened.”
Alva’s hand stilled, grasping Ithaqua’s hand in both of his this time. “But you’re my reality. I can’t say i wouldn’t change anything, but you’d be in my every potential universe in all of space and time. As my Lord allows it, you are the only one i’ll ever have even basic interest in. There is no one else living or dead that i believe i’ll ever love. It’s you that i want.”
This vulnerable tenderness won Ithaqua over, staring back at the Hermit with half lidded eyes. The warmth of their shared bed was dwarfed by the warmth radiated from Alva’s words. It was unique and powerful, the way he could bring forth embers of comfort into Ithaqua’s frigid body with just a few sentences. Perhaps that was simply a priest’s talent.
Alva’s hand moved to cradle his head from the back of the neck. “And is that a sufficient answer? Does it make any sense at all, at least?” And the face behind the mask moved to rest in the crook of the Hermit’s neck. “I’d say it does….. thank you, i suppose.”
The remains of the candlelight licking the wall chased away the creeping darkness soon to arrive. The sound of the wind howling outside echoed around the room.
“I don’t think i’ll sleep tonight.” Ithaqua whispered into the inventor’s exposed shoulder. Alva raised his eyebrows in a wordless question. “It’s not only not my routine, but I think I have more to reflect on. I do hope you won’t be upset.”
Alva stroked his hair with the hand on his neck. “Even if you’re not thinking of me, you’re thinking about way too much. Isn’t that right?” The hunter gave the Night Watch a knowing smirk. He kept it vague, allowing Ithaqua to be the one to choose whether or not to elaborate.
“I’m thinking of what I would change. And maybe i’m just like you again. Where the only thing i wouldn’t change is having you with me.” His voice was a small bit breathy, and certainly wistful. “Ah, what is ever wrong with me? We’ve had such wonderful coupling, and i follow up with such depressing conversations…”
Alva tilted his head down to meet the other’s eyes. “It’s a small bit comical… maybe… but i feel getting closer to you like this is exactly what i’d wanted.”
Ithaqua turned his head away. “I do care how hard it is. This suffering is unbearable. Yet, I cannot think of any other timeline that would lead me to you. And with what i have now, what i cannot change, i am content. Content on a regular day, and overjoyed on every other. I’ll disregard all my misfortune to proudly declare that i may be the most blessed to have you, Alva Lorenz. May all my paths forever lead me to you.”
Disregarding his surprise at the Night Watch’s candor, Alva pressed his lips to the nose of the mask, and Ithaqua jerks back harshly.
“Ah! You shocked me…”
“My apologies, dearest.”
Ithaqua shuffled closer so he was almost on top of the other man, bringing his hand up to stroke his face softly. “I’ll consider forgiving you if you kiss me some more.” In return, Alva moved to position his hands on Ithaqua’s hips which had already begun to bruise from the activities of the previous hour. “It’s never just kissing with you and you know that.”
And if it weren’t for the mask, he’d be met with an impish grin. “And is that so terrible?”
He ran his finger sensually down the center of the Hermit’s chest as he drew out the last couple syllables. The hand on his face moved to gently trace the root shaped scars trailing down his neck.
“Anything terrible with you, darling? Perish the thought.” A playful tone slipped out from the usually stoic inventor, as one of the hands on Ithaqua’s hips now rest on his lower back.
“Oh, i’m sure i will.”