Archive of Our Own

Chapter Text

She knew him. She knew him when he paid for her drink, when he nudged their shoulders together, when he leant in close to put his lips against her ear, a pretence at being heard over the deafening bass of the music. She knew him.

His hair was straight, and he’d left his glasses at home. She missed the curls and the lenses, but she liked that he’d traded his typical hoodie for a tight black tee. She could finally see the arms he joked about so frequently. They were worth the wait. 

“Bad night to agree to casual drinks with friends,” he said dryly, right against the shell of her ear, warm and low. “All the beautiful women are wearing masks. How can I flirt egregiously when I don’t know who I’m looking at?”

She shivered and hoped he didn’t notice. “It seems to me like you’re managing just fine,” she replied, heart thudding painfully fast, “Unless I’m not one of the beautiful women?”

He lifted a hand to her face and brushed his thumb against the edge of the eye mask, lower, across her cheek. He grazed her lower lip gently before saying, “You’re the most beautiful by far. Even with the mask I can see that.”

⸝⸝⸝

Monday afternoon, Wednesday morning, and Friday evening. Hyunjin centred her entire week around those brief periods. She scheduled washing her hair around those brief periods. She scheduled her fucking contraceptive pill around those brief periods, because if acne flared when she had to see him for two hours she’d rather shove a fork in her eye socket than go to class.

“I’m surprised you took a composition module in the first place,” Jisung said a couple of weeks in. “Why’d you choose it?”

Hyunjin couldn’t really answer, not in an intelligent way. She liked the artistry of words, but they eluded her. Maybe it wasn't the best class for her major, but she hoped she’d learn anyway. 

And she did.

Changbin only became a familiar face during the second semester, when he took over their lectures as a TA. It was classic and cliche and made Hyunjin feel sick to realise that after a month or so of listening to him articulate in a way she’d never been able to, she had a crush. He had a tender passion for lyricism, and sometimes he’d stay hours later than intended just talking to students about their own work, their goals, their interests. Professors looked on fondly, and Hyunjin could understand why. If she hadn’t already been interested, Changbin could have made her so without her realising. 

She had rules for herself, for her wellbeing. She always sat at the back, and she never raised her hand. She never interjected. Even if her hands were clenched beneath the bench, nails digging into her palms as she listened to the most insufferable argument unfold, she never joined in. She didn’t want to be noticed, not by her classmates and not by Changbin. She didn’t know what would happen if he looked at her with that genuine, kind interest. She could die. She could cry. Maybe she’d just fall in love, and somehow that felt like the absolute worst outcome. 

No, better to sit at the back and watch the lectures happen around her, as a comradery developed amongst the students and staff, first name basis then nicknames then something else, shouting and laughter and throwing balled up pieces of paper when attention strayed from the board. It happened around her. That was for the best.

⸝⸝⸝

“Come with me to my hometown this weekend.”

Hyunjin didn’t look up from Wuthering Heights. She hated Cathy, but she understood her. Maybe that was why she hated her. “What for?”

She didn’t have to look up to know her roommate Jisung was pouting. “Because I’ve invited you! It’ll be fun!”

Jisung’s idea of fun didn’t always align with Hyunjin’s. “What kind of fun?”

“There’s a pretty big club I used to go to, and they always have themes on Fridays. Lix is coming home too, so we could go as a three, it’d be really nice, I promise!”

Hyunjin folded the page of her paperback and put it down. When she looked over, Jisung was indeed pouting, but it was an expectant pout. A kid with a candy bar that knew someone would buy it for them. “We have clubs here. Wait - you were so underage. How’d you get in?”

“My cousin’s ID.”

They had grown up very differently. “You really want me to come?”

“Of course I do,” Jisung whined. “Please? Pretty please? I know you’ll love Lix, and we always have a great time when you let loose.”

She should have put up more of a fight, but it was difficult with Jisung, who was unfortunately one of the nicest people in the world. Sulky as hell, but with a heart of gold that was very difficult to stamp on. “Okay. What’s the theme?”

Jisung grinned. “Femme Fatales!” 

⸝⸝⸝

She’d dressed in the way that Jisung had suggested: a skin tight green velvet dress and white sneakers. Comfortable and pretty, with a mask that matched Jisung’s and Lix’s. They all wore the same shade of red lipstick, and it was a relief to turn up at the dimly lit club and realise it wasn’t all one elaborate prank, and that a majority of the women were wearing masks or holding fake weapons or something alike.

She saw Changbin first, but didn’t approach. It was a shock to see him, but Jisung had previously mentioned that they’d grown up in the same town. He was a friend of her brother, apparently.

“Drinks?” Lix shouted over the music. “Shots? Whatever you want, baby, you’re the guest of honour!”

⸝⸝⸝

Shots. They were the quickest and easiest way for Hyunjin to gain the confidence she needed.

She was glad for them too, when she turned around and realised all three girls had been split by the crowds. She was glad for them when she approached the bar and asked for a water, glad for them when Changbin pressed in close next to her and she finally found out that he did smell as nice as the girls on campus said he did.

Fucks like a dream. She’d heard that too, from a couple of Masters’ students.

She wanted to know.

When he started to flirt, she felt like she’d already died somehow, and this was her obscure version of Heaven.

Looking back, she wished she could remember what they’d talked about. She wished she could say she was charming, he was smitten, or something along those veins.

She didn’t remember any of it.

One moment he had his thumb against her lip, and the next she was tugging him up to the next story, the bathroom Jisung had suggested would be emptier, off the main dancefloor and away from a majority of the crowds. Hyunjin couldn’t remember a single thing they said from the bar to the bathroom.

All she remembered was the way he washed his hands before locking them in the cubicle together. “It’s only polite,” he said, before reaching under the edge of her dress.

⸝⸝⸝

She’d wondered for a long time if there was something wrong with her. Past the morose moods that haunted her when she spent too long alone, there was something else that made her unsuited, it seemed, to many of life’s simpler pleasures.

But not this. Not with him.

⸝⸝⸝

The cubicle was tiny and filthy, but it ceased to exist as soon as Changbin had his hands on Hyunjin’s body. 

He was slightly shorter than her. She didn’t know why, but she adored it.

She threw herself against the wall and dragged him with her, scrambling at his belt as he kissed his way down her neck and slid one hand over her ass. He squeezed hard, and she heard her moan as if from outside her body as she finally got her hands on his cock, hot and hard and velvety, the perfect size, flared head and wide base and she knew that this was her peak. There was no getting better than this. From this moment her life would be a downward spiral towards inevitable death, and she was okay with it. Happy with it.

Changbin grunted when she spat into her hand and wrapped it tightly around his cock, thumbing over the slit like he had with her lower lip.

He nipped at her neck with his teeth and dug his fingers into her ass, pressing them closer together, almost no room for her hand to move as she stroked him, fascinated, enamoured, obsessed with the way his precum pearled at the tip. He was so drippy. Her mouth watered.

Changbin pulled one of the straps from her shoulder. Her breath sped up. He lifted his hand from her ass to slide the other down, then tugged at the velvet of her dress until it was bunched around her waist, her chest entirely exposed as her breathing sped up. Could he see her heartbeat?

“It’s like I dreamed you up,” Changbin murmured, barely audible above the music, the hand dryer, the sound of people moving around them, so close but not close enough to stop them. “Fuck.” He cupped her breasts and thumbed over her nipples, and she let go of his cock with a gasp as her head thudded back against the wall. “Sensitive?”

She nodded, unable to verbalize anything, and gasped again when he licked a stripe over one nipple before taking the other into his mouth. It felt like lightning. It felt like they were meant to be like this, skin on skin and deeply, selfishly hungry.

The need to speak was killing her. She wanted to wail, to sob that she’d never been this wet so fast, she’d never wanted like this, she’d never be this willing again. He could do anything to her and she’d take it.

Changbin reached beneath her dress, sliding his hand up her inner thigh. He pulled away from her tit to press a kiss against the base of her throat to ask, “What exactly do you want?”

She squeezed her eyes shut. She had to - to tell him, anything, he could fuck her mouth or her cunt and if he gave her like five minutes to prep he could fuck her ass too, anything, everywhere. “I want it all,” she said, raising her voice to a higher pitch, almost a whine. It wasn’t difficult; she barely felt like herself. She felt like a vessel for him, pouring all of her wine, all of her soul. 

His fingertips grazed her thong, dipping beneath the string to move it aside. “Soft,” he whispered.

“I wax,” she replied, unsure why she said it at all. He didn’t care about something like that - why the fuck would he?

Changbin hummed. He pressed two fingers against her clit and made her groan before siding them down, through her folds, to press gently against her core. “Can I?”

“Please.”

And he was - she couldn’t comprehend it. He slid two fingers deep inside of her, crooking them forward and immediately had her curling forward, overwhelmed, entirely overcome. 

“Ah.” Changbin moaned as though he were the one being fucked, head down, eyes on his wrist as it moved beneath the hem of her dress. “Fucking hell, you’re soaked.”

She lifted the dress with shaking hands so that he could see, and the way he drank it in made her feel faint. His clear pleasure was enhancing hers, and when he sped up his movements until they could both hear it, how slick she was, how ready for him. 

Her orgasm was already approaching, pathetically fast. She clung to Changbin’s shoulder and wrapped one leg around his hips, and he sped up again, too fast now, almost savage.

When she started to writhe he pinned her hips against the wall with his other arm and said, “That’s it, come on sweetheart, there you go.”

Hyunjin clamped her hands over her mouth to muffle her wail as she came, throbbing from her cunt to her knees, legs shaking as Changbin kept fucking her with his fingers, a little slower, merciful as she came down. When she moved her hands away from her mouth she was breathing in hitching gasps. She looked down, saw her tits heaving with her breath, and watched as he finally pulled out of her, wet to his wrist. Her cunt clenched at the sudden emptiness.

Changbin kissed her cheek. “Good?”

She nodded, still struggling to breathe, and grabbed his wrist with both hands so that she could lick the cum from his fingers.

He watched her with dark eyes and a slack mouth, surprised, maybe, by how far she was willing to degrade herself for a stranger.

“Fuck me now,” she slurred, kissing his fingertips before letting him pull his hand back. 

“You sure?”

“I’m very fucking sure.”

He’d already made her cum once, and still she felt like she’d never been touched. More, she wanted to say. Everything you have, I want it. 

Changbin stepped back a little to shove his jeans further down his hips and wrangle a condom out of his wallet. Hyunjin watched his cock bob as he moved, still wet and pretty, and wondered if he would object if she forced herself into his space and pushed onto him raw.

He rolled the condom on and then paused, breathing a little unsteadily, and looked at her.

Were it any other time, any other place, Hyunjin would have run from him. With her entire body exposed, her reddened tits and waxed pussy, her own release coating her inner thighs. 

“Every part of you,” Changbin said. Then, without finishing the thought, he laughed a little. “Fuck. I’m never going to forget this, that’s for sure.”

Her instinct was to cover up and ask what that meant. His gaze was too hot for doubt, though. How startling. How lovely. With shaking hands, Hyunjin widened her stance and spread the lips of her pussy. “I don’t want to forget this,” she said. “Will you make sure I remember?”

He reached for her, and she watched as he bent her left leg by the back of her thigh, pressing it up to her torso as he pressed his cock into her.

He was thick. Much thicker than two fingers, longer too, and she moaned so loudly it echoed around the bathroom, loud enough that someone outside the stall whistled, but she didn’t care, she couldn’t.

“I can’t fucking believe you,” Changbin said. He kissed her tits, bit her nipple sharply before biting down on her neck. He started thrusting then, no real warning, just the slap of their skin and the immediate fullness, the ache of it, the belonging. “I can’t believe you,” he said again, forcing her harder against the wall as he sped up, so much angrier than she’d expected from him, so much more disrespectful. “You’re perfect everywhere. Fucking everywhere.” He slid one hand to squeeze her ass. “Perfect handful,” kissed her tits again, suckled at her nipple, “perfect tits,” and then he ground into her, hitting that spot that made her clench down and whimper, “perfect cunt. Perfect package.”

“Fuck me,” she cried. “Fuck me, please, I need it, I fucking need it-”

She cut herself off with another cry as he grabbed her other thigh and picked her up, holding her weight with his arms and his hips as he thrust into her, faster again, desperate, his teeth ravaging her neck in a way she knew she’d feel for weeks, just like his cock, his fingertips bruising her legs.

She’d never had sex like this. She never would again. He shunted her further up the wall with each thrust of his hips and she felt another orgasm start to build low in her stomach, burning hot and slow, just the right side of painful. 

Changbin moaned against her skin. “Never fucked a girl this sloppy for me.”

It was fucking humiliating. He could see how much she needed him on every inch of her skin, but at least it was the truth. This much, if nothing else, was something he could remember as honesty. He didn’t know who she was, but he knew that she needed him. She needed him wholly.

He lowered her to her feet again and hitched her up so he could grind into her at that perfect angle, pressing the fingers of his right hand against her clit to start rubbing in slow, firm circles.

It was too much. Her hips started twitching and everything started speeding up, her entire body unprepared for the riotous pleasure as he fucked her inside and out.

“I’m gonna-“ she cut herself off with a keen and tried to pull away, but his left hand clamped like a vice on her ass, pulling her back right where he wanted her. “Stop, I’m gonna - I can’t-”

“You can,” he said, voice soothing even as he pressed his thumb hard against her clit, making her groan.

It was too much. It hurt, it felt like she was going to fucking explode. “I can’t,” she sobbed. “It’s different, it feels different, I don’t-”

He pressed down harder, kept fucking her, and suddenly she couldn’t speak at all, she couldn’t move or breathe or do anything other than throw her head back as Changbin pulled his cock out of her and she squirted all over the bathroom floor.

It came in waves, and once it started it felt like hours before it stopped. Every time her cunt clenched more came out of her, and after the first couple of times Changbin pressed two fingers into her and started fucking her again, and it made it worse. She kept coming, it didn’t stop until she was a sobbing wreck and everything felt just as bad as it felt good. 

He kissed her neck like he might kiss a lover. Tender, sweeter than she’d ever deserve from him. He removed his fingers and wiped them on his jeans, and before he could do anything else, she sank to the floor and landed on her knees in her own mess.

She was shivering and out of her mind as she pulled the condom off him, but even as he objected with a cautious, “Sweetheart, you don’t have to do that,” she fisted his cock and finally licked the precum from the slit.

It tasted gross. Of course it did; he was a man, not a God. She swallowed as much of him as she could without retching and covered the rest with her hand, and when he stroked his thumb along her cheek again she tried to deepthroat him and almost puked, but it was worth it for the way he groaned, for the way he started down at her and she could tell he was imprinting the image into his memory.

She pulled off and coughed onto the floor, mingling her cum and spit, and moved his hand from her cheek to the back of her head.

Changbin threaded his fingers gently through the strands. “Are you sure?”

She couldn’t have strung a sentence together if she tried. She just nodded and forced his cock back into her throat, and after a couple of thrusts he took charge, pushing her down further, pulling her back whenever she choked too harshly. He used his other hands to wipe away the tears that managed to leak from under the mask. He wiped her nose. He pushed spit back into her mouth when it hung from her chin. 

Her throat felt like fire by the time he started to lose rhythm and moan on every exhale. God, how long had they been in here? It felt like days. It felt like a lifetime. 

She squeezed her eyes shut and forced herself all the way down his cock until her lips met his pubic hair, and then just before she could vomit she pulled off and fisted the head until he was coming with a gasp, all over her tits.

She wanted to say that she stayed there for a couple of minutes basking in it. That he helped her off the floor and cleaned her up, and then they kissed for the first time, chaste and romantic. That he pulled off the mask and smiled at her, and said, “I knew it was you. I’m so glad.”

She reached for as much toilet paper as she could grab, wiped at her chest and between her legs, then pulled her dress back down her thighs and tugged the straps back onto her shoulders.

Changbin reached for her, but she stumbled back, already hating herself, already resigned to the swift decline towards death now that she’d passed that one moment of near perfect happiness.

“That was fun,” she said, her voice gravelly and shot to shit. “Thank you.”

“Thank you,” Changbin said. He didn’t reach for her again, but he also didn’t move to tidy himself. He stared at her, something cautious in his eyes. “Can I have your number?”

She was already shaking her head by the time he finished the question. She hated herself for it. She hated him for asking for it, for making her know that he wanted more than this. It would have been easier for her if he’d already left. “It can only be this once. I’m sorry.”

After a long pause, Changbin nodded. “Don’t be sorry. I don’t have any regrets.”

She let herself out of the cubicle, and the rest of the bathroom was mercifully empty as she stumbled her way through to the dancefloor. She had to find Jisung and Lix. They had to leave.

I don’t have any regrets.

She wished she could say the same.

⸝⸝⸝

It took Hyunjin close to twenty minutes to find Jisung, who was sitting in the corner of the smoking area with her head on her knees, her mask in her clasped hands.

Hyunjin’s core ached when she crouched down and tapped Jisung’s shoulder. “Hey, I’ve been looking for you. Are you good?”

“Had too much,” Jisung said weakly, not lifting her head. “I was looking for you too, and then some guy bought me a pitcher and I didn’t want to be rude, so I chugged it. Turns out he wanted to share it with me.”

At any other time, Hyunjin would have laughed. She wished she’d taken the condom from him earlier. She wished she couldn’t still feel him between her legs, but she could. The regrets were mounting, and she needed to leave the public eye. “Do you think you’ll be okay to get a cab?”

Jisung nodded. She looked up miserably and asked, “Can we order takeout when we get home?”

Hyunjin did laugh then, despite everything. The fact that Jisung was asking for takeout in her own family home, was somehow incredibly grounding. It was so incredibly Jisung. “Sure. Let’s go.”

The drive home was silent. Thankfully Jisung didn’t hurl, and she didn’t complain when Hyunjin took the house keys from her, or when Hyunjin undressed her, or when she removed her makeup and forced her to brush her teeth. She was asleep before she could decide what kind of pizza she wanted.

Hyunjin left water by Jisung’s bed and locked herself in the bathroom. It took a long time to take her makeup off because of the gallons of setting spray she’d used, but she didn’t regret the ruthless application. Despite choking on Changbin’s cock, the only part of her mask truly disturbed was her lipstick, which was almost entirely gone. That and a little mascara under her eyes, but he hadn’t seen beneath the mask anyway.

The hot shower helped the way her body was starting to ache, but as she soaped up her torso she realised how many marks Changbin had left; red fingerprints and divots from his nails, scattered bite marks and the line of hickeys along her shoulder and neck that she knew she’d have to cover for class. They wouldn’t fade any time soon. She felt conflicted about that.

As she rinsed between her legs, she couldn’t help but press her fingers to her pussy, one hand braced on the cold tile of the shower. She was still too sensitive; she’d never cum twice before, not without hours between. Not with another person, anyway. She’d never squirted at all. Ever.

She squeezed her eyes shut and tried not to hate herself. God. Only weeks ago she’d teased Jisung about it. The real love of your life will make you squirt. You’ll see that I’m right when the time comes.

Why couldn’t she have said that the real love of your life would give you a ward of bills on the first date? Why couldn’t she have said anything else?

Worse, through her despair, she still felt a sense of wonder. She pressed a fingertip against her sore clit and let it hurt for a moment before pulling her hand away. She hadn’t known her body could do that. She hadn’t known sex could feel like that. It never had before – had she been doing something wrong? What did she do differently, other than want Changbin with a desperation that bordered on hysterical?

It must have been what he was doing. He used his hands – when her orgasm was building he pulled out. The way she clenched would have felt good, she knew men liked it, but he pulled out to use his fingers. He was a selfless lover, even in a dirty toilet cubicle with a stranger. Even with Hyunjin.

“Hyunjin, sweetie, is everything alright in there?”

It was Jisung’s stepmom.

Hyunjin hurried to turn the shower off and wrap herself in a towel. “I’m fine, sorry for taking so long!”

“Don’t apologise; I just wanted to make sure you didn’t need anything. It’s getting late, so make sure you get some sleep soon, won’t you? If the air mattress isn’t comfortable, feel free to use Minho’s bed.”

“Thank you,” Hyunjin said through the door, relieved she wouldn’t have to open it. Her neck was – bad. She looked like she’d been mauled, and from what Jisung had said, her stepmother bordered on the edge of conservative. There was a reason they’d hurried out of the house before her parents could see the length of their dresses, and Hyunjin wasn’t sure how her trail of hickeys would go down.

She applied moisturiser diligently and in the last second remembered to slug her face, then snuck back to Jisung’s room and changed into her pyjamas.

The air mattress proved to be pretty unpleasant, but she didn’t go into Minho’s room. It felt wrong, somehow. Not that the rest of the evening had been right.

You’re perfect everywhere. Fucking everywhere.

She felt her face heat and curled up on her side.

⸝⸝⸝

Lix picked them up the following morning to take them to the station, and she was as cheery as Hyunjin remembered from her visits to see Jisung: blonde, perky, and silly enough to trick people into thinking she didn’t know what she was doing. Hyunjin was kind of obsessed with her, but in that moment too hungover and full of regret to be awkward about how much she wanted to be liked.

They were just loading their bags as another car pulled onto the driveway, a banged up, silver Toyota that groaned as it braked.

“Shit.”

Hyunjin looked at Jisung, who had paled. “What?”

Before Jisung could reply, Minho climbed out of the car and waved. He was better looking in person, which felt like some kind of cosmic joke.

“You didn’t tell me you were coming home,” he said by way of greeting to Jisung. Then, to Hyunjin, with a slightly softer expression, “Hey. Hyunjin, right? Jisung’s told me a lot about you.”

“You didn’t tell me that you were coming home,” Jisung said, swiftly turning from pale to bright red.

“It’s Mrs Seo’s party tonight. You know I always go.”

“I didn’t realise the dates.”

They stared at each other.

“Hi, Minho,” Lix said loudly. “We’re going to miss their train, so I’ll love you and leave you.”

“Drive safely,” he said, still looking at Jisung. “And remember to tell me next time you’re coming home. We have a lot to catch up on.”

Hyunjin tried to hide her wince. They sounded tense in a way she hadn’t expected from the frequency of their contact.

Jisung was the last to climb into the car, pausing to hug Minho briefly and say something that Hyunjin and Lix couldn’t hear.

“Have they always been like this?” she found herself asking.

Lix snorted and fumbled for her vape. “They’re typically much worse than this. Minho must be holding back because you’re new.”

The drive to the station was quiet, but by the time they boarded the train Jisung was almost back to normal. She still ran to the train’s rickety bathroom to puke, but Hyunjin assumed that was the hangover and nothing to do with the wall of text that Minho sent her seconds before she got up to sprint.

⸝⸝⸝

Hi, Hyunjin, the email read.

This is nothing for you to worry about, but I’d like it if you could stop by and see me during my office hours on Monday or Tuesday, 10-11:30 or 18:00-19:00.
 Enjoy your weekend!
 Changbin

Hyunjin looked up from her laptop, heart in her throat. “Jisung?”

Jisung stopped trying to pull off her agonising pore mask. Her eyes were watering. “Yeah?”

“I need you to dye my hair.”

⸝⸝⸝

Hyunjin was lucky her hair actually came out black considering her history of putting box dye on top of bleach, but she would have taken it green, or orange. She would have been happy bald. Anything to separate her from the Hyunjin that Changbin had fucked and the Hyunjin that she was, who, as much as she might want otherwise, had to remain as two different people.

“Looks cute,” Jisung said, dye under her nails. She grinned, and Hyunjin realised there was still a little bit of the pore mask stuck to the skin beneath her chin. “Most people go blonde in preparation for summer, but I guess you’re kinda known for being edgy.”

“Edgy?”

Hyunjin had never considered herself to be edgy. She lived in athletic wear unless someone else helped her figure out an outfit, and she wore makeup maybe three times a month. Her attitude was more awkward than edgy. She’d never had a great deal of friends, and she’d grown up as an only child with no close cousins. She was still a little lost when it came to nurturing relations. 

Something hurt must have shown in her expression, because Jisung immediately backtracked. “In appearance, I mean! Not in a bad way, just - you’re striking! And most people don’t know that beneath your glare you’re just squinting away a headache.”

Hyunjin didn’t know what to make of that. She looked at herself in the mirror and tried to see what Changbin might have seen on Friday, but that Hyunjin wasn’t this Hyunjin. That Hyunjin wore fake eyelashes and lipstick and didn’t want to start swinging when a man looked at her tits. This Hyunjin had black hair dye running down her neck, covering the hickeys that she knew wouldn’t fade in time for classes. This Hyunjin was dying her hair on the off chance that the man that had fucked her in the dark, grimy bathroom of a faraway club would recognise her.

“Who made these, anyway?” Jisung stroked Hyunjin’s neck. “Was it me? I don’t remember much.”

“Not you, no.”

“Did you bring someone home? Shit, did my dad see?”

“No, Jisung, who do you think I am? Why would I bring someone into your childhood home?”

“Surely you didn’t – did you?” Jisung gasped. “Hwang Hyunjin, you did not have sex in the club.”

Looking back, she wouldn’t call it sex. It was less than that, but more. “I think fucking is the only appropriate word.” Epiphany. Awakening. Death.

“You fucked someone in the club? Who are you and what have you done with my Hyunjin! What happened to your high standards! What –“ Jisung paused. “You were careful, right? It’s so easy to fuck up your pH balance, and you know those sinks and shit are gross. You didn’t like, rub your pussy on any surfaces, yeah?”

Hyunjin met her eyes in the mirror. “I did not rub my fucking pussy on the sink.”

“Okay, good. I just wanted to check.” Jisung went back to clearing away the dye box, then remembered her original question and smacked Hyunjin’s shoulder. “Who fucked you!”

She could have said his name. She trusted Jisung deeply. 

“Just some guy. I can barely remember what he looks like.”

⸝⸝⸝

She’d never been in Changbin’s office before, so she was expecting any other lecturer’s office she’d seen, with the guest chair straight in front of the door, then the desk, then the desk chair. A human sandwich with the desk as the filling. A nice, clear, healthy divide.

Changbin’s desk was pressed against the far wall, presumably so that he could stare out of the window while he graded papers and longed for death. It meant that when Hyunjin knocked and let herself inside, palms slick with sweat and cold from fear, she realised that there would be nothing between their chairs other than air.

He turned to face her as she entered, and as soon as he saw her he grinned. “Ah, Hyunjin, right? It’s nice to formally meet you, come sit.”

His sweater was pink. He was wearing his glasses as he always was on campus.

She knew how his teeth felt against her neck. She sat stiffly and pressed her knees together.

After a moment Changbin turned back to his desk, eyes on the stack of annotated paper in front of him. “I hope my email didn’t worry you at all. This is just an informal chat.”

“It’s fine,” she said. Her hands were icy from fear. Even with her hair black and her neck covered in concealer she felt exposed. Naked. Even in her shapeless sweater and mom jeans, she worried he’d recognise the shape of her. The smell. It was fucking ridiculous, but it kept her rigid. The only part of her body he’d truly come to know was her cunt. 

“Your essay was good,” Changbin said, straight to the point. “Not perfect, but very good. Top five, I’ll say that much. I’ve noticed that you haven’t attended any of the feedback sessions, so I wanted to speak to you here and see if you have any questions for me or anything you’d like to go through.” He smiled again. “Even good essays can be improved, and from what I’ve heard of your previous essays, you’re someone with an upward trajectory. Anna is very impressed with you.” 

Anna was everything Hyunjin wanted to be: intelligent, successful, and confident. She taught with a stern look and graded harshly, but it made Hyunjin more determined to succeed. She felt herself blush at the praise and looked to the floor. Changbin’s method of teaching contrasted so heavily with Anna’s that, at first, Hyunjin had been lost. The fact that the first essay Changbin marked had been one of her worst scores was understandable, but still smarted. She’d heard her classmates predicting he’d be forgiving with grades, and it seemed that no one had expected him to be harsher than Anna.

“I try to give comprehensive written feedback because I understand that you have a lot of classes and a lot of socialisation to occupy your time, but these sessions can be really helpful if you’re wanting a deeper look at my comments.”

He kept prompting her. 

She kept looking at the floor. The fact that he didn’t recognise her hurt in a childish way, but she’d thought it might relieve her somewhat. She’d thought it might make things easier. She was wrong.

“Hyunjin?” Changbin asked softly. “Your class is pretty small, so I tend to notice when people aren’t participating. That’s fine; some people are shy, some people don’t like talking in groups, and some people don’t know how best to do it. I just want to check in with you and see if there’s anything you need from me in terms of teaching. I’m here to learn from you guys too, and if there’s something in our classes that you feel you need, please let me know. I want to help. I want you to succeed.”

He’d smiled with hunger in the club, and she could deal with that. She knew how to exist when men hungered for her, but this was unfamiliar. Direct eye contact and nothing but softness - she could feel the blush returning, and the feeling in her chest that she assumed was the prelude to death. 

“Thank you.” Her voice came out so quietly that she could barely hear it, so she tried again. “Thank you. I don’t need anything; I think your lectures are great. I’m just… shy. Yeah.”

“That’s a relief to hear,” Changbin replied. “Just keep in mind that you can always speak to me if you need something. We’re all here to help.”

She nodded.

“So,” Changbin said, sliding the paper closer to Hyunjin. “Wanna go through this with me? It’ll be useful for your exam prep.”

She nodded again, but forced herself to speak, worried that he’d think she was rude. “Yeah, yes - that would be amazing. Thank you.”

“Anytime.”

He sounded genuine. 

She let herself smile back, just a little, and when he lit up in return she wished she’d never met him at all.

⸝⸝⸝

She’d lost her virginity at eighteen to her first boyfriend. It felt fine. They stayed together for six months. Every time they had sex it felt fine. 

Her second boyfriend (first college boyfriend) lasted one month. They had sex twice. Hyunjin couldn’t get wet. They tried anal instead, but she didn’t like that either.

Her third boyfriend lasted seven weeks. He liked her body. He knew how to turn her on and she basked in that; the way it felt natural when he pushed inside of her, the way he looked happy when he came and not frustrated at the outcome. 

He dumped her at the end of week seven. She was desperate, and it was a turn off.

“There’s no chase, no excitement,” he’d said over dinner. “There never was. You were always too ready for it.”

Her linguine was getting cold, but she couldn’t taste it anyway. “What does that mean?”

He’d shrugged. “You were pretty quiet at first, so I thought maybe I was wrong, but girls like you - there’s no escaping it.”

“I don't know what you mean.”

“I don’t want to call you names you don’t deserve, babe.” He rubbed his face like it was really, genuinely hurting him to hurt her. “All I’ll say is that once I took your clothes off it became really obvious that you weren’t a virgin.”

⸝⸝⸝

Maybe it was stupid of her, but she’d assumed that older men would be more intelligent. If not more intelligent, maybe just kinder. A little smoother with the way they insulted her after taking what they wanted.

She’d entered the bar with nothing but intent, and the first semi-attractive man in a well-made suit had the pleasure of her company for the twenty minutes it took to get to his hotel room. 

He cupped her pussy through her skirt and asked, “If I went out and bought you a sexy little maid outfit, would you put it on for me?”

He couldn’t have made it more obvious that her pleasure was secondary. 

“Next time?” she offered, and let him fuck her face down on the scratchy sheets. The condom was non-negotiable, despite how much he’d tried to negotiate. She was glad he couldn't see her face when he not so subtly suggested it would feel better without barriers. 

He was kind enough to finger her afterwards, though he stopped touching her as soon as she’d shivered through her orgasm. 

It was only as he saw her out of the room that she realised he’d put a wedding band on the dresser, behind a decorative glass of potpourri. 

“Give me your number and your dress size,” he said at the door, smiling as he traced a fingertip down the side of her breast. “I’ll get something short and cute. Maid, sailor, schoolgirl - you decide.”

She gave him Chan’s number, then panicked enough that she had to sit down outside, legs shaking and weak.

She called Chan there, and when he assured her it was fine to give his number out she started to cry. He came to pick her up, and shamed by the fact that she’d slept with a married man, however unknowingly, she couldn’t bring herself to go back to Jisung.

She slept in Chan’s bed instead, safe beside him, and they watched Bob’s Burgers every time she woke up hating herself.

Only in the morning did he ask about it.

“You don’t have to say anything, but you know I’ll listen, yeah? Always.”

“It’s difficult to explain.” But Chan was already receiving links to maid outfits, so she owed him an attempt. “When you want to be wanted by men, but you know they don’t want you in the right way. It doesn’t feel good.”

“What’s the right way?”

She felt her mouth twist. She wanted to be desired, to be used, but she wanted them to care about using her. She wasn’t disposable. Or maybe she was. In sex, at least. 

“Hyunjin?”

“I’m not sure you’d ever understand,” she admitted. “You respect women and that separates you from the problem.”

⸝⸝⸝

Hyunjin still sat at the back of the lecture hall.

Changbin had been right - their class was pretty small, around sixty students total, and it meant there were a lot of empty seats.

She still sat at the back.

She still watched him and disliked herself for it. Was she doing to him what was so often done to her? Selfish, one-sided desire? She wasn’t sure if wanting to be used was selfish, but trying to moralise with herself didn't cure the affliction, it just left her with a headache and the ever-present want.

Why him? Was Changbin really so special? She thought so.

She’d suspected so, before, but now she knew. That was much worse because there was nothing to theorise. He’d treated her with respect like she’d wanted, and he’d used her in the way she seemed to need. He’d cared about her pleasure. He’d worshipped her body, he’d enjoyed her enjoyment, he’d touched her with reverence. 

She emailed him at the end of her Wednesday lecture and asked if he’d have any time to go through some of the handouts with her. She said she was struggling.

He told her when he’d be in his office and invited her to come along.

At the last minute she emailed back that she was sick and couldn’t attend, too much of a coward to let him look at her again. She missed the Friday lecture to keep up the ruse.

He emailed her that it was fine, she could take the time she needed. He attached an annotated copy of the handouts, clearly handwritten and scanned back into a PDF. 

Jisung came home from one of her classes and jumped when she saw Hyunjin at her desk. “Shouldn’t you be in Changbin’s class?”

“I told him I’m sick.”

Jisung squinted. “Are you sick? You don’t look sick.”

“I’m not sick. I just don’t want to go.”

“Why not? Binnie’s a good teacher.”

Hyunjin didn’t like the reminder that Jisung knew Changin, really knew him in a way she never would. Still, she was a masochist in all the ways that mattered. “I didn’t sleep and I’m stressed; I just needed to stay home. Tell me about him?”

Jisung took a seat on the end of Hyunjin’s bed. “What about him?”

“I don't know, whatever. What was he like when you were growing up?”

“I only met him when I was fifteen. He was Minho’s friend, not mine.” She blushed prettily. “I used to be scared of him; he was loud. He spent a lot of time working on that, though, and he never meant to intimidate anyone. He’s sweet, he’s always been sweet. He encouraged me to work on my music, and he taught me whatever he could.”

Hyunjin nodded woodenly. “Nice.”

“Why’d you ask?”

“I’m bored.”

“Maybe you wouldn’t be, if you went to his class.”

Hyunjin threw the nearest book at Jisung, and deserved it when Jisung threw it back. Wuthering Heights hit her square in the chest.

⸝⸝⸝

“Do you have a sister?”

Changbin asked it out of nowhere.

Hyunjin felt herself frown. “A sister? No, I’m an only child. Why?”

“I just… never mind. No reason.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, I’m sure.” He smiled at her, and all was forgiven and forgotten. “So tell me why Source A is viable, but Source B is biased.”

⸝⸝⸝

She knew it was ridiculous to pine after a man that wouldn’t look at her twice under normal circumstances, so she tried not to. She took Jisung’s approach to life: when a man asked her on a date, instead of shutting him down or backing out, she said yes. She let him try to impress her.

Jisung helped her prepare in a way Hyunjin had never been helped. Makeup, outfit, hair - nothing was too much, and Jisung seemed excited on her behalf. 

“Dating is meant to be fun!”

Hyunjin was somewhat baleful. “You’ve orgasmed like, three times in the past six months, and you’ve been on hundreds of dates.”

“I have bad taste,” Jisung replied plainly. “You’re more discerning than me, I’m sure your ratio will be much more even.”

Hyunjin still wasn’t sure, but she tried. 

She went bowling with a nice guy a couple of years older than her, and he took it well when she won. He laughed and clapped her on the back, and she laughed too, only slightly tense. 

They went for drinks, and that was nice too. When he kissed her outside of the bar, she liked it. She went home with him, and he pushed her against the door and kept kissing her. He was taller than her by an inch or so, even in her heels. He was narrow in the shoulders, his hair short and light. He kissed down her neck, and when he grazed his teeth over her neck, she shivered and pulled back.

“Not there.”

“Ticklish?” he asked, moving further down, towards the collar of her shirt. 

“Something like that.”

The hickeys were long gone, but she still felt the ache.

⸝⸝⸝

She came. It was a pleasant surprise, but she came.

She didn’t squirt, but she hadn’t expected to. She wasn’t sure if she’d ever do that again.

⸝⸝⸝

Hyunjin memorised Changbin’s office hours and visited whenever she felt like she had an excuse. It was nice to listen to him talk, even if she only retained a fraction of it. He laughed a lot, and when she spoke he quietened immediately, always attentive.

He marked another essay of hers, and her score was decidedly higher. Not her highest, but almost.

“You’ve put a lot of work in, and it really shows,” Changbin said at their feedback session. “I hope you’re proud of yourself, Hyunjin. Well done.”

“Thank you.” 

“Just one exam now, right? Then I’ll be out of your hair, and you can go back to real lecturers.”

“You’re not in my hair.”

He smiled. “That’s kind of you to say.”

She didn’t know what to make of it. She didn’t know what to make of any of it.

⸝⸝⸝

“If you could make your perfect man, what would he look like?”

Hyunjin looked over at Seungmin, who was just baked enough to be funny even when she wasn’t trying. She was more Jisung’s friend than Hyunjin’s, but that was changing slowly. They were lying on the carpet of her dorm room together, sharing snacks and increasingly invasive questions.

“What’re you asking for?” Hyunjin asked.

“I like to torture myself by making a man up in my mind, then comparing him to every man I meet in real life. It’s a reminder of why I only date girls, even if I technically like both. I refuse to settle.”

“So you want me to do the same?”

Seungmin glanced over. “I want to know what kind of man has you tied up in knots.”

Hyunjin refused to let herself tense. “I’m not tied up in knots.”

“Describe him to me.”

She didn’t know whether to lie or not. She was high. She didn’t know if lying was a possibility. “He’s someone I really can’t have.”

“That sounds like quitter talk.”

“Yeah,” Hyunjin agreed. “I’m a quitter.”

Seungmin laughed. She was so pretty beneath her bangs and glasses, especially when she laughed. “I’ve seen you study, Hyunjin. I don’t think you know how to quit.”

“I so know how to quit.”

Seungmin rolled onto her side, facing Hyunjin. “Describe him to me.”

“He’s… average height.”

“Okay. Give me a little more than that.”

“Dark hair, dark eyes. Intelligent, kind, respectful.”

“And he fucks like a God?”

Hyunjin blinked. “How do you know?”

“You’re talking like someone that’s trying desperately not to describe how good the sex was. Just tell me.”

She’d have been more embarrassed if she wasn’t high, but as things were, she just blurted it out. “He made me squirt, Seungmin. I used to tease Jisung and say that the love of her life would make her squirt, but I didn't expect - he’s the only one that’s ever done it.”

“He didn’t do it,” Seungmin said. “You did it, baby. He just knew how to play you the right way.”

Hyunjin didn’t know if that was better or worse. “D’you think I’ll ever do it again?”

“I haven’t had sex with you, so it’s hard to say. Still, you won’t know if you don’t keep trying.”

“Have you made girls squirt?”

Seungmin nodded. “I’ve made boys squirt too. You can tell when they’ve never done it before, just by their reaction. Whoever your dream man is, I bet he’s thinking about you. I bet he’s thinking about it, touching himself to it. I would be. It’s a heady kind of pleasure when you know you’ve made someone feel so good that they can’t control themselves.”

Hyunjin half laughed. “Don’t make me horny, come on.”

“Did he use his cock or his hands?”

“Both. His cock, but then he pulled out and fingered me.”

Seungmin nodded. “Smart man. He’s definitely thinking about it.”

Hyunjin hadn’t really thought about that possibility. “Really?”

“Really. If I made a girl as pretty as you squirt and I could tell it was your first time I’d be thinking about it every night.” Seungmin grinned, decidedly sharkish. “I’d be hoping she was doing the same. It’s not bad, you know, to look back on it. It’s not bad to want more.”

“It is,” Hyunjin whispered. “He’s not someone I can have again.”

“Every time you close your eyes you can have him,” Seungmin said. “In the same way I can guarantee he’s having you, over and over and over again.”

⸝⸝⸝

Seungmin was evil. She had to be.

“She’s not evil, she’s just a Virgo,” Jisung said when she picked Hyunjin up.

“You’re a Virgo.”

“I’m a nice one.”

⸝⸝⸝

Jisung dropped Hyunjin off at the dorm and left pretty much immediately after. “Hot date, gotta go!”

She’d left before Hyunjin could ask questions, which was fine. Hyunjin wasn’t sure what kind of questions she would have asked. She was still reeling from the conversation with Seungmin, which felt flirtatious enough that she was still warm around the neck, and feeling silly for wondering if Seungmin had meant it that way.

Hyunjin really hadn’t considered the aftermath of the club from Changbin’s perspective, but now she couldn’t stop thinking about it. Maybe he’d stayed for more drinks, found another girl and did the same to her, with Hyunjin’s cum still drying on the tacky floor. Maybe he’d gone home with her. Maybe he hadn’t.

Hyunjin stood in the middle of her room and thought about him thinking about it. She thought about him in bed or on his couch, cock in his hand or maybe a fleshlight, head tipped back as he fucked himself and thought about her.

She rubbed her eyes and realised her hands held a fine tremor. She was getting wet. She was alone.

You can have him in the same way I can guarantee he’s having you, over and over and over again.

She lay a towel on the floor and pulled out her dildo. It was five inches, not too thick, and purple. Her third boyfriend had picked it for her, and laughed when she read out the size on the box, making some comment about it needing to be smaller than his cock. It wasn’t smaller, but she’d been too insecure to puncture his delusion, and now she liked it a lot. It was the perfect size on the rare occasions she turned herself on. It was perfect for now, when she was alone in her room and had nothing to do but want what she couldn’t have.

She undressed and thought about him. The mental image solidified; Changbin was on a bed, propped up against the headboard, his hand around his cock as he watched her take her clothes off.

She knelt on the floor and slicked up the dildo with lube, then checked herself and realised she was still too tight. Penetration was never as easy as porn made it look, but she didn’t let it deter her this time.

With her wet fingers rubbing against her clit, she closed her eyes and pictured him again. How awful it was to realise she hadn’t seen him unclothed. How suddenly she wanted nothing more than to run her hands over his solid torso, his thick arms, his beautiful back.

Her hips started to twitch forward as she rubbed herself and felt her clit harden slightly, becoming more sensitive. She thought about him fucking up into his hand and picturing her on her knees. She wondered if he’d had sex since and thought of her, if he’d cum in a beautiful woman’s mouth and thought about Hyunjin pressed against the bathroom wall, her cunt dripping cum down his forearm.

She pressed two fingers into herself and knew she was ready.

Sinking onto the dildo was difficult for her because it broke the immersion. The lube was cold, and the feeling was never quite human enough at the start, so she kept her eyes open and focused on getting comfortable rather than retaining pleasure.

Eventually she could sit well enough that the silicone balls pressed against her lips without issue. She started moving then, slowly at first, just rocking until the sensation became more familiar, until her cunt moulded around the dildo in a way that brought back some of the shivery pleasure.

She thought of him lying there as she crawled over to him and sat on his cock. The way he’d watch as she lowered herself inch by inch, the way he’d pant when he was fully inside. She’d be able to feel every twitch. He’d keep watching her.

She started to move in earnest then, raising and lowering herself until her thighs were burning and she’d built up a rhythm that had her gasping. It was good like this, when she could think of him, when she let herself think about him wanting her. She forced herself to move her arms away from her tits and let them bounce as she rode the dildo; he’d loved her chest; she knew he’d want to see. Maybe he’d grab and squeeze, maybe he’d bite, maybe he’d nurse on them. Maybe he’d just watch, wide eyed as she took her pleasure from him and he encouraged it with guiding hands and sweet words.

Her orgasm was coming fast, and she thought back to that night, to his rough voice, his gravelly words. He’d liked her then; he’d liked her so much.

You’re perfect everywhere. Perfect handful, perfect tits, perfect cunt. Perfect package.

She pulled off as she came, overwhelmed and oversensitive as her pussy clenched around nothing. She grit her teeth through it, mind cloudy with pleasure, and when her body finally started to calm she realised that the base of the dildo was wet, the towel below it darker.

She didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. She hadn’t squirted, but she’d come closer on her own with a dildo than she had with any other man. All it took was thinking about Changbin. 

⸝⸝⸝

Two weeks before her final exam, Hyunjin let herself into his office late after dance practice, hoping to catch him before he left for the evening.

She only just made it; Changbin was pulling his hoodie on as she entered the room. She only caught a glimpse of his bare arm before it was covered again. The rest of the corridor was empty, everything locked up and dark.

“Hyunjin! Shit, did I forget about a meeting?”

“Ah, no, sorry.”

“It’s fine, it’s all good! What can I do for you?”

“I just wanted to pick up that book you were telling me about.”

“Fuck.” Changbin deflated. “I’m so sorry, I left it at home. I’ll make sure to bring it in next week, okay?”

“Yeah, of course. That’s fine, thank you anyway.”

Changbin looked at her for a moment, then laughed half-heartedly. “You’re soaked. Is it raining?”

She felt herself burst into a blush that must have reached her toes. “No, no – I. I was at dance. I’m just… I sweat a lot.”

“Oh, God. I’m fucking everything up today.” He took his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. “I’m sorry, that was a ridiculous thing to ask you.”

“You were asking about the weather, it’s fine. Seriously.” She was being genuine, too. It wasn’t his fault that she was such a sweaty person, even if it was a mortifying thing for him to point out. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine, just not sleeping great. Sorry again.” He kept rubbing his eyes, and when he finally moved his hands he smiled at her again, small and intimate. “Thanks for asking.”

Her blush returned twofold.

“I’m sorry, I’ve been thinking about this for weeks, can I just –” Changbin stopped and shook his head. “No. Fuck.”

“What?” Hyunjin’s stomach dropped. “What is it?”

“You look…”

“I look what?”

Changbin stepped closer, and for one swift, awful second, Hyunjin was so enamoured that she forgot why she’d never let herself be close to him.

He lifted his hand and stroked his thumb along her cheek, then her lower lip. “Fuck,” he said softly. Then, “Fucking hell. I knew I recognised your lips.”

Chapter Text

She stumbled back, white hot with panic. “No, no I-“

“Sit.”

He spoke so harshly that she immediately sat on the spare chair.

Changbin closed the office door and scrubbed both hands through his hair. “Fuck. I thought – fuck. I thought I was being delusional. Hyunjin, what the fuck were you thinking!”

 “I’m sorry,” she whispered. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I wasn’t thinking, I – “

“You knew it was me though, right?” he asked, almost hysterical. “Of course you knew; I wasn’t wearing a mask. You knew.”

She nodded. Her hands were shaking violently, so she did her best to tuck them into her sleeves. His anger was deserved. His disgust. His hatred.

“Why?” Changbin asked, quiet again. “Are you… what was your goal? What are you aiming for? Do you want to blackmail me?”

“No!” she exclaimed. “No, I would never! I haven’t told anyone; I wouldn’t do that to you!”

“How did you find me?”

“I didn’t! Jisung invited me to stay with her family for the night and we went out together, and you approached me, I didn’t – I wasn’t following you, I’m not a stalker.  I swear it. I promise.”

“Fine,” Changbin said shortly. “If I believe you, then what? Why the fuck would you allow it? Why wouldn’t you tell me? This could have ruined my entire academic career. You know that.”

All three of those questions had different answers, and Hyunjin was already on the verge of tears. “I didn’t think. I really wasn’t thinking, I’m so sorry.”

“I want more than that. I deserve more. Tell me why.”

“Because I liked you!” She curled into herself on the chair, felt her world growing smaller again. She’d have to drop out. If not college then at least this module. She might never recover the credits. She’d have to live with it. She’d have to fucking deal with it.

“You liked me.”

“I liked you,” she repeated, smaller. “I liked you a lot. I liked that – with the mask you liked me too. I won’t tell anyone, Changbin, I promise. I’m sorry.”

She heard him drop into his desk chair with a heavy thud. “You should report me.”

She looked up then. “What?”

“I slept with a student. You should report me.”

“I’m – I can’t do that!”

“You can. You need to.” He looked exhausted, suddenly. “Even if I didn’t know, I still did it.”

“I’m not going to report you for something you didn’t know about.”

Changbin shook his head. “I don’t fucking understand. Why then? Why like that? Why me?”

“I liked you,” she said again.

“You tricked me.”

“I know.” It hurt to say, but she knew it was the truth. No matter what she’d wanted, hoped for, longed for, if she’d taken off the mask and explained who she was, he wouldn’t have fucked her. “I’m sorry.”

“Why?”

She shook her head, mouth trembling.

“Tell me why.”

He deserved to know, but she still didn’t want to tell him. Those last shreds of her dignity were clasped tightly in her hands, but she had to let go. For his sake.

“I knew it’d be my only chance.”

What a miserable thing to admit to.

Changbin was silent for a moment. When he spoke, his voice was flat. “I’m a TA. Outside of this module I have no authority, no reach. I’m just another student after this fucking class. Hyunjin, if you’d waited until summer, until your final exam had been marked, you could have asked me for coffee. You could have asked me on a date. I would have said yes.”

She laughed, surprising herself with the harsh, grating sound of it. “Don’t lie. I know you’re angry, but don’t lie.”

“Lie? I’m not fucking lying.” He glared then. “I’d have said yes! If you’d been honest and waited I would have fucking said yes!”

“You wouldn’t have said yes, stop it! You didn’t fucking know who I was!”

“You sit at the back of the lecture hall, don’t participate, and I’m fucking shortsighted!” Changbin yelled. “As soon as I caught a real glimpse of you I would have said yes! What the hell is wrong with you?”

She just shook her head and stood. “You’re trying to make me feel worse. Believe me, you don’t need to lie to do it. I’m sorry, okay? I’m fucking sorry that I did this to you, but I’m not going to tell anyone, I never was. I did this for me. Because I wanted you and I knew it’d be the only chance I got. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you who I was, I’m sorry I tricked you, and I’m sorry I’ve put you in a horrible position. I’ll go back to not participating, I won’t bother you, I promise. You can fail my exam if that makes it easier for you; I’ll deal with whatever you think is necessary.” She rubbed her eyes and ignored that they were wet. “Do whatever you need to.”

“Hyunjin-”

She left before he could finish, on the verge of a breakdown she had no right to. Better to leave and look like a cold, selfish bitch. She didn’t want to him to think that she was trying to manipulate him.

The sky was dark outside, and with sweat cooling in her hair, she was freezing in minutes. She walked past the campus bus and kept walking, hands around her arms.

It was always going to end like this. This or nothing. He recognised her and hated her, or he didn’t recognise her, and she became another girl in the sea of students he taught, fading into obscurity. He hated her or he forgot about her.

I would have said yes.

She kept it together until she got back to the dorm, and once again Jisung was out.

It was for the best with the way Hyunjin immediately crumbled into sobs, but still. She would have really appreciated a hug. A pat, even. Something to show her that she wasn’t as alone as she felt.

⸝⸝⸝

“Skipping again?”

Hyunjin didn’t reply.

“Oh shit, are you actually sick this time?” Jisung hurried over to the bed and put a hand against Hyunjin’s forehead. “You’re all clammy. What’s wrong?”

Hyunjin had emailed Anna and asked to drop the class. Polite but firm, Anna had made it clear that this far into the module she could argue her case with a doctor’s note or stick it out. Non-negotiable.

“Dude, you’re freaking me out, are you good?” Jisung stroked Hyunjin’s hair away from her face. She looked like an angel hovering over her, hair long and windswept, shimmery eyeshadow making her sparkle. “Hyunjin, do you need to go to the clinic? I’ll take you.”

“I’m okay, you don’t need to worry.”

“You seriously don’t look okay. No offence, but you look like shit.”

She forced herself to snort. “No offence taken.”

Jisung sat gingerly at the edge of the mattress. “Can I do anything?”

Hug me. Hyunjin looked like she had a fever, she couldn’t ask for a hug. How selfish she’d look, adding another layer to her awfulness. I tricked my TA into fucking me, I demanded physical contact from my roommate when I was full of contagious germs. What came next? I threw my drink on a couple because I can’t stand people being happy when I’m miserable. If she let herself walk down that path she’d become even more unrecognisable to herself. Not just a stranger in the mirror, but some warped creature from Uncanny Valley.

“Can I ask you a weird question?”

Jisung blinked. “Anything.”

“Do you consider me a friend?”

Jisung didn’t laugh, scoff, or whine. She looked at Hyunjin for a long moment, her eyes wide. “You’re one of my best friends. I’m sorry you had to ask me that at all, I should be making it way more obvious.”

Hyunjin felt herself tearing up. “It’s not you. There’s something wrong with me.”

“You are sick?”

“Not like that.”

“Then… what?”

“I did something bad.”

“Did you kill anyone?”

She shook her head.

“Rape?”

Another shake.

“Did you set anyone on fire?”

She just looked at Jisung then.

“Did you steal?”

“Are you going to guess every possible bad action?”

“Just the big ones,” Jisung said. “You know, murder, rape, arson, theft. What else, um. My mind has gone blank. What else is bad? A lot of things. Fuck. Black market organ harvesting?”

 Hyunjin reached out and linked her fingers with Jisung’s. “You’re so stupid sometimes. I love you.”

“I love you too. If you’ve missed all of the above, I’m sure we can fix it.”

Hyunjin shook her head. “There’s nothing to fix anymore, it’s okay.”

“Tell me? Even if it’s just the major beats, please tell me. You never know, I might have some intelligent advice.”

“I had sex with someone that didn’t know who I was,” Hyunjin said. That was all she could give under the circumstances. “He didn’t know that I knew him. Now he’s found out.”

“What do you mean he didn’t know you?”

“It was at the club in your hometown.”

Jisung just frowned. “Your tits are iconic. Mask or not, most people would recognise them from a mile away. I don’t think it’s your fault if he’s too stupid to look for what was clearly there.”

It wasn’t what Hyunjin had expected Jisung to say by any stretch. “Thank you.”

“I mean it. The only thing that stupid mask did was give you the confidence to act like you knew how sexy you are.”

Hyunjin scooted over, and after a second of deliberation Jisung joined her under the sheets. They didn’t hug, but it was the closest Hyunjin had come to a hug in weeks. Months, maybe. She didn’t know how to ask for what she needed. Words died and rotted at the back of her throat, coating her tongue in poison.

“It’s always surprised me just how insecure you can be,” Jisung murmured. “You’re gorgeous, I’ve always thought so. Most people think so.”

“Appearance isn’t everything.”

“You think I don’t know that? Of course it isn’t everything. That doesn’t mean you don’t have an appearance. It doesn’t mean it’s bad to let yourself enjoy the way you look.”

“What makes you think I don’t?”

Jisung just looked at her. “Are you trying to convince me or yourself?”

They faded into silence then. Hyunjin didn’t know what to say. The words were already decomposing. 

⸝⸝⸝

She still thought of him. More of her selfishness, maybe.

⸝⸝⸝

Hyunjin,
Unless you have a doctor’s note, please continue to attend lectures. There are only five more before your exam and they are crucial for revision. This will impact your final grade.
  Respectfully,
  Changbin

⸝⸝⸝

He still taught with enthusiasm. He smiled at everyone. He rewarded interjection and debates with praise.

Hyunjin sat at the back of the hall with her feet on her chair, chin tucked on her knees.

I would have said yes.

She didn’t believe it. Not for a second.

⸝⸝⸝

Less than two weeks until her final exam, then a further two weeks until the end of the semester. A month until summer break, a fresh start, a return to home that hadn’t ever truly felt like home.

At least she’d see Kkami. Her parents would be working, but she could convince them to take a couple of days off so that they could go somewhere or do something together.

“What’re your plans?”

“Mine?” Jisung asked. “God, haha, I don’t know. I’ll probably hang with Lix for most of the break.”

“That sounds nice.”

“Yeah.” Jisung looked away. “Listen, if you get bored you can come over. You know that, right?”

“I don’t live anywhere near you.”

“It doesn’t matter. You can still come.”

Even if it was charity, she’d take it. “Thanks, Jisung.”

“I don’t like the thought of you being alone.”

“I won’t be,” she lied.

⸝⸝⸝

She got three new cartilage piercings in her left ear and wondered when they’d stopped hurting so much. She barely felt the needle at all.

⸝⸝⸝

“You should pierce your nipples next.”

She didn’t know the name of the guy that said it to her. He was just a stranger in a bar, someone that had seen her sitting alone in the outdoor smoking area, fiddling with the shell of her ear.

She moved her hands away from her ear and forced herself not to cover her chest. Her cleavage was out, and she’d known it was risky. It shouldn’t have been, but that didn’t change that it was. “If I ever get my nipples pierced it’ll be because I want them pierced.”

“I’m just saying.” The man shrugged. “You’d look hot.”

“I already look hot,” she said, out of patience. “Now fuck off.”

“Hey, leave my girlfriend alone!”

She huffed out a laugh when Chan forced his way through the crowd and pushed the guy away. It was unnecessary but sweet. He always took his role very seriously when out with friends, and she appreciated his enthusiasm for protecting people.

Even if he looked a little bit silly.

The guy stumbled away after flipping them off, and Chan joined Hyunjin on the bench, pressed a little too close. “You’re good, yeah? I saw him inside with another woman earlier, and he was making her really uncomfortable, so um, I guess he thinks we’re all poly now, because I said she was my girlfriend too. Did he say anything to you? Do you want me to get him kicked out?”

“It’s okay, I’m okay. Thank you for interjecting.”

“S’good. As long as you’re alright!” He knocked their shoulders together. “Wanna dance?”

Her mood was shot. “I’m actually ready to go home, I think. Pretty tired.”

“I’ll take you.”

“No - what about your friends?”

“I’ll come back for them when they need a ride too.” Chan stood and offered a hand for Hyunjin. “Come on, I can’t let you go back alone. Gotta make sure everyone is safe!”

So she let Chan guide her back through the interior of the building, and she almost fucking puked when she saw Changbin at the bar, pressed close to a beautiful woman. He was smiling at her in an incredibly inviting way.

Chan tugged when he’d realised Hyunjin had stopped walking. “What’s wrong?”

He didn’t see her. That was for the best. She’d ruined enough of his joy.

“Hyunjin?”

“Sorry, I thought I recognised someone.” She forced herself to look away when the woman laughed with her head thrown back, rocking closer to Changbin as she did so. Hyunjin had no right to her envy. She had no right to her sadness. “Let’s go.”

The drive was quiet.

Chan walked her to the door of her building and wrapped her in an embrace she couldn’t ask for. He kissed her temple and patted her head before watching her close the door. Only then did he climb back into his car and drive back to the bar, where Changbin was probably buying his companion another drink.

Hyunjin should have been glad she hadn’t ruined dating for him. Not that they’d dated. Not that she’d meant more to him than that one evening – if she could call thirty minutes in a bathroom stall an evening.

She took her makeup off methodically and wondered how easy it would be to get a doctor’s note.

“You’re back early,” Jisung said as Hyunjin entered their room, already shrugging off her clothes.

“I’m dropping out of comp.”

It felt good to say it. It felt decisive.

She climbed into bed as Jisung attempted to wrestle her way out of her own sheets.

“You can’t drop out!” Jisung finally surfaced, her hair wild, her eyes wide. “You have six weeks left; you can’t drop out now!”

“I’m going to.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to.”

“But why? You love comp!”

“Goodnight, Jisung.”

“Hyunjin, come on. Hyunjin!”

“Just trust me, okay?” Hyunjin asked, curling up. “Please.”

Jisung didn’t reply.

After a moment the light clicked off, and they were left with silence.

Hyunjin was left with her thoughts. 

⸝⸝⸝

She went out the following night without Jisung, without Chan, without any of their mutual acquaintances.

She let another average man in an expensive suit take her to a hotel room. The routine of it all became clear around the time he bent her over. It was all the same.

He tried to kiss her, and she moved away. He fondled her tits for a few minutes. He unzipped his pants and held his cock like it was impressive, waiting for her to show admiration, surprise maybe.

“I’ve never taken a cock this big,” she lied, just to see if he’d be smug about it.

He was.

They moved to the bed, and he tried to kiss her again. She moved away again. He undressed her. She let him.

He rubbed her clit like he might rub at a stain, then pressed two fingers into her, and she had to pull back. It’s tight. I’m shy. She was fucking dry because brief friction burn and weighing her tits didn’t turn her on.

It was fine. She knew what to do to make it okay. She touched herself with more reverence than almost any man had, and after a couple of minutes she felt herself start to throb. When he tried to finger her again, it only ached slightly.

He pulled her off the bed and bent her over, and she watched between her legs to make sure he put the condom on.

When he pressed inside, she realised his fingers had felt more like an invasion than his cock.

It was average. Not good, but not bad. The same as all the others.

She didn’t feel dirty afterwards, but she felt unhappy. It hadn’t satisfied her, and even seeing the way he moaned at the sight of her hadn’t loosened the knot in her chest.

“You could be a model,” he said afterwards, watching her clean herself enough to step back into her clothes. “I could help you.”

“I don’t want to be a model.”

“Be mine, then.”

It was the kind of line that would have worked from someone like Chan, someone with heart and awkward charm.

Hyunjin forced herself to smile. “No thanks.”

⸝⸝⸝

Art didn’t help. The quiet focus left her alone with her thoughts.

Dance was better. She was too exhausted to think afterwards, and often fell asleep as soon as she returned to the dorm.

⸝⸝⸝

When Jisung invited her for a walk one evening, Hyunjin didn’t think twice about it. Why would she? They often took trips for bubble tea or just to breathe in the fresh air.

Suspicion only arose when they were twenty minutes past the point Jisung typically gave up and asked to go home.

“You’re walking with purpose today.”

“I am,” Jisung agreed, her ponytail swaying behind her as she marched forward. “We need to stop by a friend’s apartment, okay?”

Hyunjin wasn’t dressed for that. She was in leggings and a sweater she’d stolen from her dad years ago. It had a faded cartoon dog across the back and a mustard stain on the front. “Do we have to?”

“Yes.”

“Can I wait outside?”

“No.”

Jisung looked tense, which was freaking Hyunjin out more.

She didn’t get it until they were in the building, unfamiliar as it was, but small and run down enough to suggest they were visiting a fellow student. 

Jisung only knew a couple of students that lived off campus.

Hyunjin wasn’t stupid.

“No,” she said, stopping. Dread enveloped her. “No, we’re not doing this.”

“We are,” Jisung said, tugging Hyunjin’s wrist. “We are doing this or I’m calling your dad.”

“Jisung, no. I can’t, I really-”

“He’s not going to talk to you as a lecturer, he’s going to talk to you as my friend, because I asked him to, because dropping out of a class will kill your credits. Please.”

Changbin must have agreed to it. There was no way Jisung would just drop this on him, he must have known, he must have accepted it.

If he’d agreed, Hyunjin couldn’t say no. She needed to get it over with so that he didn’t have to see her again. She had to make it as painless as possible for him, because Jisung was stubborn and if Hyunjin didn’t comply then she’d try again. 

She let herself be dragged up the dark flight of stairs, and when Jisung stopped at an old door and knocked, Hyunjin contemplated throwing herself back down the stairs.

The door opened and Changbin smiled tightly. He looked tired. He looked so handsome. “Hi. Come in.”

The apartment was small but well-kept and bright, if not a little bare. It didn’t have the dingy smell that typically came from a male student living alone, but Hyunjin could have guessed that. Changbin meal prepped and knew how to do his own laundry. He wasn’t going to live in squalor because his mommy wasn’t around to clean up.

Hyunjin stepped inside and toed off her sneakers, and even if she knew that warning was impossible, she wished Jisung could have hinted. Just some kind of notice so that Hyunjin could have showered or worn a different sweater. She was a flight risk, though, and she knew she had no right to wish for anything.

Jisung didn’t follow.

Hyunjin looked back at her in the doorway, pleading. “Come on.”

“You’re not ready to talk to me yet,” Jisung said, eyes big and sad and resolute. “You’ll be more comfortable one-on-one anyway. I’ll wait for you downstairs.”

It felt like abandonment. Like punishment.

“Jisung, please,” Hyunjin whispered.

“Come and sit down, Hyunjin, we’re not going to be long.” Changbin’s voice was loud enough for both girls to hear.

Jisung waved and closed the door behind her, leaving Hyunjin alone with Changbin in his apartment. It was an opportunity she would have killed for just weeks before. 

“Hyunjin.”

She made it to the couch, somehow, sitting so tightly against the arm that she could have fused with the buttery old leather. It wasn’t a wide berth, but he didn’t have any other seat, unless he’d meant for her to sit on the floor.

“Did you tell her?”

Hyunjin shook her head, eyes on the floor.

“She’s worried about you.”

“She doesn’t need to be.”

Changbin sighed. “You can’t drop the module, Hyunjin.”

She stayed silent. 

“Don’t waste your hard work,” Changbin said. “Please.”

There wasn’t anything for her to say. She wanted to cry.

“I’m sorry for the way I spoke to you last week.”

She looked up then, aghast. “Don’t apologise to me. I deserved it.”

Changbin shook his head. “I don’t like speaking like that, I don’t like - you looked scared. I’m so sorry.”

“I wasn’t scared of you,” she said. “It was just the fucking consequences of my actions that terrified me.”

“I still shouldn’t have behaved that way.”

“How else were you meant to act?”

“Like a professional.”

“I put your education at risk. You didn’t owe me professionalism.”

He rubbed his face and eschewed his glasses. “You can’t drop the module, not this far into it. It would be a complete waste of time and resources, and you’d struggle to recover the credits needed to graduate at all.”

She didn’t want to tell him that she already had an appointment booked to speak to her doctor. It wouldn’t be a lie to say stress was impacting her mental health, but acting like it was undeserved wasn’t something she could bring herself to attempt in front of Changbin.

“Will you talk to me?”

“I’m sorry.” It was the only thing she had any right to say.

“You need to stay in the module and finish your exam, okay? And we need to move past what’s happened. Hyunjin, look at me.”

She forced herself to look, and the longing would have brought her to her knees if she were standing. How he could look gentle even now she didn’t know.

“I’m just a secondary marker,” Changbin said, holding her gaze. “Anna is the one grading the exam, I just offer advice. You don’t have to worry about me trying to sabotage you or anything like that.”

“I was never worried about that,” she replied, confused.

“Then why are you so determined to drop out?”

Her gaze strayed again. It was difficult to be honest when she could see him. “It’s uncomfortable for you, right? I don’t want to make things worse than I already have.”

He was silent for a moment. “Discomfort is nothing compared to your future. I can get past my feelings for the sake of your education, and I will. So will you, because I’m not going to let you destroy this for yourself.”

She started to shake her head. “Changbin-”

“That’s the end of it. Keep coming to class, and I better see you in that exam. You’ve worked too hard to give up because of some guy at college.”

She forced herself to nod.

“Do I have to keep prompting you to speak? It was nice talking to you once you overcome your shyness.” His smile was faint. “We can move past this, Hyunjin. You’re a great student and you deserve the grade I know you’re going to get. It was one mistake, and in a couple of months it won’t matter at all. We’ll both forget it.”

That was - deserved. It was kinder, really, than what she actually deserved, but it hurt. It hurt deeply.

She swallowed. “Yeah.” It came out weak, so she tried again. “Yeah, okay. Thank you.”

He nodded decisively, like that was the end of it all. “See you on Wednesday.”

It was a sign not to overstay, so Hyunjin simply nodded again and left. 

⸝⸝⸝

“Did it help?” Jisung asked, so evidently worried. “Did he offer sage advice about education or something?”

Hyunjin wanted to tell Jisung everything. The secrecy was eroding at her organs. “Yeah. Everything will go back to normal.”

⸝⸝⸝

She attended her lectures. The exam approached, and she revised.

Changbin invited her up to his office, and when she arrived he passed her the book she’d been waiting for.

“Let me know what you think of it.”

He really was trying. She owed it to him to do the same.

⸝⸝⸝

She cut four inches of her hair off.

When it looked as awful as she knew it would, she begged the dance crew to help her even it out. Jimin trimmed the choppy ends and helped curve it around her face, but even that didn’t help. She still looked wrong when she saw herself in the mirror.

After six hours’ worth of YouTube essays on the links between hormones and depression, she decided to stop taking her birth control in the hope that it would fix her life in the way a haircut failed to do.

⸝⸝⸝

It didn’t.

Her skin flared up. She spent her exam thinking about how much her face hurt.

⸝⸝⸝

“It’s been an honour to teach all of you,” Changbin said in their last lecture together. Anna was taking over for the final week, going through grades and advising on potential pathways. “I hope that now that we’re all just students, you know you can come to me with anything.”

“Do you think he’d say yes if I invited him for drinks?” a girl in front of Hyunjin whispered to her friend. “I haven’t stopped thinking about it.”

Hyunjin wanted to be a bitch. I haven’t stopped thinking about how good he felt in my cunt.

That wasn’t fair, and it would also break her promise to him.

“I’ve heard he’s a real gentleman in bed.”

“Shh!” her friend hissed. “You can’t talk about this in his class!”

“He’s just another student now, like he said!”

They giggled together.

Near the whiteboard, Changbin was talking to a group of boys, laughing at something with his nose scrunched, his glasses in his hands as he wiped the lenses.

Hyunjin packed her bag and left early. If he emailed her she’d say something about a bug, but she couldn’t stay.

⸝⸝⸝

He didn’t email.

He probably didn’t notice.

⸝⸝⸝

“You dance like a man,” one of the guys said, frowning at Hyunjin in the mirror.

She forced herself upright from the splits, so sweaty she looked oiled, her chest heaving. “I wish I could say the same to you.”

“I wasn’t trying to insult you.”

Hyunjin had no patience for men like him. She’d started dancing in high school with no prior experience and had clawed her way to where she was, and she wasn’t going to be told she was tetchy for taking criticism as the veiled insult it was.

She had too much pride. 

“I didn’t mean it like that,” he said after practice, close and aiming for intimacy. He wanted her, Hyunjin could see that. She wasn’t stupid enough to miss it.

“I don’t care how you meant it.”

She left it there, and hoped he was smart enough to leave it too. It was unpleasant to realise that when she was truly miserable she was a bitch. 

⸝⸝⸝

The dorm was empty when she returned from practice, and Hyunjin was amped up. She felt feverish with it, angry at nothing and full of tension that even dancing couldn’t release.

She fucked herself on her dildo and thought of Changbin, and when it didn’t work she pulled out her bullet vibrator and pressed it to her clit as she rode. She thought about Changbin’s arms in the bathroom, her knees bent over the crease of his elbow as he fucked into her, his teeth on her neck, his praise against her throat.

She couldn’t do it.

It kept building and building and building, and after half an hour she was too sore for pleasure, too hurt to keep trying.

She threw her vibrator at the wall and tried not to cry.

⸝⸝⸝

She wanted to be wanted. She wanted to be satisfied. She wanted to feel like she was worth the effort. This would have to do.

“Condom?”

The man didn’t lift his face from her breasts. “I don’t like the way they feel.”

“I don’t care.” She tried to be gentle when she pushed him back. “Put a condom on.”

“I’m clean, I can prove it.”

Begging wasn’t cute, not like this. “I’m not on birth control. You need to wear one.”

“I can pull out.”

“Wear a condom or this isn’t happening.”

He kissed her chest. “Please, gorgeous.”

She left with her panties in her jeans pocket, too rushed to dress properly, his sudden nastiness following her out of his apartment. 

⸝⸝⸝

Hyunjin was desperate to commiserate with someone. Drink wine and laugh pityingly and say, men are all the same. 

But she’d had Changbin. She knew they weren’t all the same. She knew that he was out there, showing other women how special he was, how rare, how perfect.

It made her feel sick.

I would have said yes.

It made her feel like a pathetic, miserable fool.

⸝⸝⸝

Changbin came to their final dance performance. Of course he did, with two large bouquets of yellow flowers and a grin that split his face.

She was just glad she’d been too focused to see him until they’d finished. If she’d noticed him earlier she would have messed up.

“He’s here for Chaeryeong and Ryujin,” Hyunjin heard someone say. “He’s like an older brother, apparently, isn’t that sweet?”

It was so sweet. So sweet that Hyunjin felt nauseous.

She kept to herself afterwards, cleaning the sweat and makeup as best she could before leaving at an early yet socially acceptable time.

Changbin only caught her then, maybe between conversations with other people and bored, or maybe just too polite to ignore her. “You didn’t tell me you dance.”

She shrugged uncomfortably. It was ridiculous that looking at him hurt her, but it did. She still wanted him feverishly, even if it was another rough fuck in a bathroom. Even if he treated her the way she deserved.

His hair was getting long. He had to shake his head to dislodge the curls from his glasses before he asked, “Are you born perfect at everything, or do you always work as hard as you did in my class?”

Jimin threw her arms around Hyunjin’s neck, pressing a sloppy kiss to her cheek and saving Hyunjin from replying. “No one works harder than our Hyunjinnie! Isn’t she a star?”

“Such a star,” Changbin agreed. He gave Jimin a small smile then turned it to Hyunjin, veiled. “You were amazing." There was an awkward pause before he continued, "The entire team, I mean.”

“Thank you,” Hyunjin forced out. “I just have to - call someone.” She ducked out of Jimin’s arm and snuck out of the fire exit door, texting an apology and citing sickness. It wasn’t exactly a lie.

Hahaha np… was that Ryujin’s friend?
He def wants ur hawt bawdy…

No, he was the TA in one of my classes. He’s not like that, trust me.

You’re expecting me to ignore the blatant eye-fucking? Ok… sure…
it’s not like he was staring at you for the entire perf or anything…

To notice that you would have had to be staring at HIM.

Chaeryeong noticed, duh
Why are you being weird anyway? Hot guy wants hot girl, tale as old as time

He was my TA. You’e being weird.

Baby u are SO tame ur so cute…
Who cares who he was?? He wants u NOW

He doesn’t. I know he doesn’t. Please drop it.

Ok, but don’t be surprised if he asks you out next semester!

Haha. Sure.

⸝⸝⸝

I would have said yes.

⸝⸝⸝

Hyunjin considered getting her tongue pierced, just for the pain of it, just to see the needle dig into the meaty flesh.

She considered getting her nipples pierced, but now that a man had mentioned it she didn’t want to. She didn’t want them to want her more, not like that.

She wished she’d asked Changbin what he thought of piercings. She wished she didn’t care what he thought about her. She wanted to stop wanting him. She yearned for it.

⸝⸝⸝

Summer began. Lots of students went home, lots of students remained.

Hyunjin and Jisung found a small apartment to share for the next year, and agreed that Hyunjin would move in while Jisung travelled home.

“Are you sure you don’t mind staying here by yourself?” Jisung asked worriedly. “I don’t want you to be lonely.”

Hyunjin wouldn’t be any lonelier in their new apartment than at home. “I don’t mind at all,” she said. “Please don’t worry about me.”

⸝⸝⸝

“The haircut suits you,” Seungmin said over dinner one day. Jisung was with them but bickering on the phone, basically in a world of her own. Her brother wanted to pick her up; she wanted to take the train.

Hyunjin shifted in her seat, face warm. She had to fight back the urge to tuck her hair behind her ears, still not used to the feeling of it brushing against the base of her neck. “Thank you. I needed a change.”

Seungmin cocked her head. “Yeah? How much of a change?”

“I don’t… I don’t know.”

“Cute.”

She felt her blush deepen “Shut up.”

It was nice to talk to someone that didn’t watch her with vague, perpetual concern. 

⸝⸝⸝

Jisung bought her train tickets and hugged Hyunjin like a vice on the platform. “Make sure you come and visit me. More than a month without you and I might go crazy. I need you.”

Hyunjin clung to her. “Travel safely and I’ll see you soon.”

⸝⸝⸝

Having the dorm room to herself wasn’t a relief when using her dildo couldn’t make her cum.

She had a week and a half until she could move their stuff into the apartment, but the days dragged. The campus started to empty. As the dance society drifted away into their respective summers, Hyunjin found herself with too much energy and nowhere to aim it.

The gym helped a little. She’d never enjoyed it, too self-conscious to ask how to use certain machines, too nervous to get a personal trainer. The treadmill was easy enough, and she knew how to turn it on and off, which was the main thing.

The first day she turned up just before lunch, and it was so busy that the only reason she didn’t leave immediately was the fear of judgement. She waited twenty minutes for a treadmill to become free, then ran three miles before surrendering the machine to another person waiting. She didn’t want to slow anyone else down.

The second day she came in the evening, and it was just as busy.

The third day she came at dawn, and there were only three people in the entire room. She spent an hour on the treadmill following a YouTube HIIT workout guide, and ended it feeling better than she had in weeks.

⸝⸝⸝

Four days after Jisung had left for home, Hyunjin left the dorm for the library and found Minho outside.

She stopped short.

Minho looked up from his phone and blinked slowly. “Hyunjin, do you know where Jisung is?”

What the fuck. “She left. She’s gone home.”

“Seriously?”

“She left on Tuesday.”

He groaned. “Shit.”

“Didn’t she tell you?”

“I called her bluff.”

They were so strange. “What?”

“I told her I was driving down to see some friends and I’d take her home with me, but she was insistent on the train, I just – I should stop underestimating how bull-headed she is.”

So strange. Both of them, separately but more so together. “If you were coming to campus anyway, why didn’t she just wait for you?”

Minho shrugged. “She likes to piss me off.”

There wasn’t much for Hyunjin to reply with. “I’m sorry that you’ve waited around for nothing.”

He smiled at her, and it was a little bit too dazzling. He’d bounced back from the inconvenience very quickly. “Thank you for your pity.” He looked at her bag, then back at her. “Are you going to study?”

“Yeah. The library is quieter now, it’s nice.”

“But it’s summer break.”

“I don’t mind.”

“Why don’t you come for a couple of drinks with me?”

Hyunjin blinked. Though she could appreciate how annoying it must have been when all of her friends gushed about her brother, Hyunjin could also understand the friends. Growing up alongside someone like Minho must have been painful in a myriad of embarrassing ways. Seeing him as an adult, as a stranger was almost too much. “I can’t… like, I don’t want to be – “

Minho cocked his head. He was still smiling. “You don’t have to, but it would be nice. I want to hear all about the trouble Jisung has been getting you into.”

“She hasn’t gotten me into any trouble.”

“I don’t believe that for a second.”

I’ve been making my own trouble. She wanted to say no, to send him back to his friends. She wanted to go to the library and pretend she hadn’t seen him at all.

“It’s entirely your choice.” He blinked again, and she was beginning to think it was with deliberate slowness. The façade of docility.

“Just a couple?”

“I’ll buy two rounds,” he replied. “Then, if you want more, you have to decide it for yourself.”

She ran back inside to change out of her sweats, but she wasn’t sure what else would be appropriate. He made her nervous. She didn’t know how Jisung lived with him.

In the end she settled on baggy jeans and a pink cardigan, something cute and innocuous.

“Pretty,” Minho said as she emerged again. “I understand the obsession.”

She laughed awkwardly as she pocketed her phone, the unsent text to Jisung just containing a string of question marks. “What do you mean?”

“Never mind.” He grinned at her. “What’s your choice of poison?”

⸝⸝⸝

Despite the general nervousness Minho inspired, he turned out to be incredibly friendly. He bought Hyunjin’s first two drinks, as agreed, but halfway through the first cocktail Hyunjin realised they’d be staying for more.

Minho was refreshing. He listened to her, and when she started to rant about mundane things people shouldn’t have strong opinions on (white bread, razor marketing, the durability of female-targeted socks) Minho just laughed. He listened. He asked questions aimed at provoking her, but she didn’t mind. At least she was entertaining him. At least she wasn’t embarrassing herself.

Despite what she’d told him previously, she did admit to a couple of escapades with Jisung. Not the bad ones, mostly because she had a feeling that Minho would use them against Jisung, but some of the fun ones. The spontaneous day trips, the infrequent parties -  noting incriminating, but nothing that would make Jisung look like the recluse she sometimes was.

Minho sipped his beer. “What about the trip you took to my home? What did you get up to?”

Hyunjin tried not to wince. “We just went to a club. It was themed.”

“Did you have fun?”

“Sure.”

“Sure? That doesn’t sound very enthusiastic.” Minho cocked his head, staring in a way that had Hyunjin’s shoulders tensing. “Jisung mentioned your evening, actually. She said that she couldn’t find you for most of it.”

“Ah… yeah. I got lost.”

“It’s not a huge venue.”

“It’s big enough.”

“You’re gorgeous.” Minho smiled at her, a wonky little grin that was as endearing as it was sexy. “Has anyone told you that recently?”

His ability to move from topic to topic was as subtle as a slap. “What?”

Minho shrugged. “Just thought I’d let you know.”

Hyunjin drained her second cocktail. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome.” Minho drained his own glass and opened his mouth to continue, but his phone started to ring before he could speak. He laughed when he saw the name, then picked up with a sweet, “Yes?”

Hyunjin watched him for a moment, heart pounding. He didn’t scare her, she didn’t feel unsafe with him, but there was an intent there that people rarely made so blatant. He knew he was making her nervous. He liked it. His lack of subtlety was part of the game.

“I’m just drinking with a pretty girl, is that so bad?” Minho asked into his phone. He giggled at the reply. “Who do you think? Jisung has gone home, I was all alone… it’s an evening for calling bluffs, isn’t it? I called Jisung’s, you called mine, and here we are. I’ll see you later.” He hung up and stood. “Do you want another drink?”

“It’s my turn to pay, isn’t it?”

“Ah, you’re right.” He blinked slowly again, and even though she could see what he was doing, when he asked, “Care to stay for another?”

She agreed. She bought another round.

Minho held his beer out. “To us, and getting exactly what we want.”

“To us,” Hyunjin replied, not quite unnerved enough to leave.

“You’re not going to ask what it is I want?”

“I’m not sure I want to know.”

Minho pouted. “What if it benefits you?”

“Does it?”

“It might.”

“Tell me, then.”

“I asked if you’re curious, I didn’t say I’d tell you.”

She kicked him under the table, slightly too hard to be polite.

Minho just laughed again, confirming to her that the entire conversation was a game. “You’re feisty.”

“Feisty isn’t a compliment.”

“What makes you think it was meant to be?”

Hyunjin stared at him, deeply confused. “I can’t figure out if you’re being an asshole or not.”

Minho leant towards her. “Let’s make a deal. Tell me one secret that you’ve never told anyone, and I’ll tell you one in return.”

“Why?”

“Because I have something to tell you, but everything comes at a cost.”

His eyes were wide and dark. Dangerous. Hyunjin thought again of the way Jisung edged around his name but clung so tightly to their calls. She could understand it, if only a little. Minho was like a blue flame, just strange enough that you forgot the heat and wanted to touch anyway.

“Come on, Hyunjin, tell me a dirty little secret.”

She stared at him helplessly. “I’ve only squirted once.”

Minho smiled. “I know who made you do it.”

“What the fuck are you doing, Minho?”

They both looked up, and Hyunjin’s heart fell out of her ass. She hadn’t thought – she’d forgotten. The entire reason that Minho had gone home that weekend.

Minho sat back, still smiling. “I told you what I’m doing; drinking with a pretty girl.”

“You told him?” Hyunjin asked Changbin. She felt helpless, suddenly. “I didn’t tell anyone; I didn’t even tell Jisung. I don’t understand.”

Changbin looked furious. Worse than in his office, so much worse. If he’d aimed the look at her she would have cried, but Minho seemed entirely unfazed. “We need to talk about this.”

He didn’t even answer her. That smarted. Hyunjin shrugged into her jacket, offered Minho a little half wave, and ducked out of the booth, then out of the bar.

She didn’t know why it hurt so much to realise that they weren’t living by the same rules. She’d tricked him – why should he have to hide it? But logic didn’t help. It was festering away inside of her, she hadn’t told anyone, she’d done whatever she could to make things better for him, she fucking avoided him at her own dance performance, and he was living his life, doing whatever the hell he wanted.

“Hyunjin!”

She sped up.

“Hyunjin, please wait!”

“I don’t want to!”

“Please.”

She turned to face him and wished she hadn’t. “I’m going to make this worse for you again. Just let me leave.”

“You deserve an explanation. I’m sorry about Minho.”

“He isn’t the one that’s been talking about me.”

“It isn’t like that; I wouldn’t disrespect you in that way. I told him about the club the morning after. He came into town for my mom’s birthday party, and I was – you know I wanted you. I wanted your number, I wanted you again, you know that. I told him that.”

“He didn’t know it was me, though.” Her eyes were burning. She felt like her heart was breaking again. “Are you lying to me now? Is this payback? You embarrass me in front of your friends to teach me a lesson? Have you told them all about your stupid student that acted like a whore for you in a public place? Did you tell him I gagged on your cock, too? That I knelt in my own cum to lick your balls?”

“Baby, when I realised it was you I freaked the fuck out!” Changbin shouted. “I called him because he’s my best friend and I didn’t know what to do! The girl I was obsessed with was my student!”

“You’re being loud for someone that doesn’t want me to tell anyone,” Hyunjin said. She could feel her face warping into something mean. “Do you still want me, is that it?”

“Don’t.”

“Maybe you do. You miss me, huh? You miss my cunt and my throat and the way I’d let you do whatever you wanted?”

“We can’t do this here!” Changbin hissed, red in the face.

“If Minho had asked, I would have let him fuck me.”

“Stop.”

He didn’t want to hear her. That was fine. She didn’t want to hear him either. “Leave me alone. I’m trying to do the same for you, but you’re making it difficult. I’m starting to think that’s on purpose.”

He let her leave.

She wished he hadn’t, but of course it did. Even if she turned him into someone else in her mind, the sad truth was he probably did respect her. Too much to ignore her wishes, anyway, even if she wanted him to.

⸝⸝⸝

She woke up to seven missed calls from Jisung. When she rang back, she was immediately met with inarticulate yelling.

“I took you to his apartment and asked him to talk you into staying in the class! I’m so sorry Hyunjin, I had no idea, I really didn’t know, or I wouldn’t have – I would have done something else, I would have talked to you more, I wouldn’t –”

“What are you talking about?” Hyunjin cut in, groggy and unhappy.

“Changbin called,” Jisung said. “He told me everything.”

⸝⸝⸝

He messaged her too. She’d never given him her number, so that must have been Jisung.

You didn’t deserve to be sitting alone with this. I’m sorry.

⸝⸝⸝

Moving into the apartment gave her something else to focus on. She hurt her back, but even that was something that kept her thoughts where she needed them to be.

⸝⸝⸝

Hyunjin saw Changbin in the gym. He came in an hour after her and headed straight for the weights. It was terrible. The treadmills overlooked that part of the gym, and the longer Hyunjin spent running from her thoughts, the greater the likelihood of seeing him there.

Mercifully, his eyes never seemed to stray to the floor above.

He wore shorts and a tank, though. That wasn’t merciful. It was the most of his skin Hyunjin had ever seen, even in the club bathroom. His thick thighs, his arms.

She was trying so hard to move on, to be normal, to stop wanting him with every fibre of her being. She hadn’t lied to him; she was trying to leave him alone.

It wasn’t working.

⸝⸝⸝

“Sorry if I was a little weird!” Minho said, cheerful over Jisung’s phone. She’d made him apologise as soon as he returned home. “I was just trying to spur him into action.”

“What action, exactly?”

“Any, really. You haven’t heard him complaining, it’s insufferable.”

⸝⸝⸝

“I didn’t realise you worked out here.”

She tried not to be humiliated by the fact that he was, once again, seeing her at her worst: sweaty and red, messy hair and blotchy cheeks, wearing the baggiest sweatpants known to man and a sports bra two sizes too small. “I just run.”

Changbin nodded, lips pursed. He was sweaty too, but it looked good on him. She wanted to ride his thigh. She wanted him to push her gently to her knees and open her mouth with his thumb pressing down on her tongue. She wanted a lobotomy.

“I’m sorry.”

She blinked out of her self-hatred. “What for?”

“Last week. Everything with Minho, I just… I want to apologise, and to explain everything.”

“It’s fine.”

“It isn’t fine, Hyunjin.”

“It is,” she said, desperate not to have to make eye contact with him anymore. “I was overreacting. I know you wouldn’t go around telling everyone.”

“Still. You deserved better.”

She laughed at that. “I don’t. I tricked you, remember?”

“I really think we need to talk this out.”

“I don’t want to.” She stepped back, and didn’t miss the way his eyes dipped to her chest before returning to her face. She almost laughed again. She knew he liked her tits. That, at least, was something she could keep. Even if she’d ruined the rest, he still liked her tits. “See you around.”

He let her go again.

⸝⸝⸝

She went to a posh hotel with another man in a nice tie. When she realised she couldn’t bear to let him touch her, she left.

⸝⸝⸝

Hyunjin knew she needed to go home. There was zero chance of seeing Changbin if she did.

But her family home was mostly empty, and her childhood friends were distant and cool. She’d never been any good at making lasting relationships. Jisung was the first, and by the looks of it, probably the last.

⸝⸝⸝

How long could she go on like this? It was beginning to look like an eternal upward climb, and she kept slipping, tumbling down to the bottom. 

⸝⸝⸝

“Tell me something controversial.” That was one thing, at least, that she’d learned over the years. Let men show themselves early on.

“Something really controversial?” her date scratched his chin. “Jeez, how cool are you?”

“I’m so cool,” Hyunjin said with a tight smile. She wanted to get this over with before she bothered to order a drink. “Hit me with your best shot.”

“I think feminism goes against the natural order of humanity.”

She picked up her purse and left him with the wine menu.

⸝⸝⸝

Realistically, with that kind of reveal, she should have expected him to follow her outside.

“You said you were cool?”

“I am,” she replied, looking for an uber on her phone. Thirty minutes? Was there a concert or something?

“If you’re cool then come back inside. Argue your side instead of walking away, what kind of attitude is that?”

He wasn’t threatening her, but she still didn’t want this. “I’m not going back inside, and I don’t want to talk to you. Please leave.”

“Just tell me why that was it. You asked for a controversial opinion, and I gave you one!”

Jisung had gone home, Chan had gone home, even Seungmin. None of her dance friends had cars, and most of them had left too. 

“Hyunjin, come on. I don’t want it to end like this, I was really into you.”

“I’m not interested in you anymore.”

“Can you just explain to me why?”

She wanted to. She wanted to spit it at him, but that wasn’t safe. “Just leave me alone.”

He sighed. “I’ll give you a ride home.”

“No, thank you. A friend is coming to get me.” She messaged Changbin immediately, desperate.

 I’m so sorry please can you pick me up I won’t ask anything of you again please come and get me

“I’ll wait here until they arrive. You’re too beautiful to be wandering around at night on your own. It’s not safe, you know that, right?”

Changbin called her, but she blocked it.

 Please just come and get me

Are you in public? Are you safe?

 Outside a bar

Go back inside. Send me your location and I’ll be with you ASAP.

It was a sensible idea. She sent him her pin and turned around, and after a second her date joined her, slightly too close.

“Have you changed your mind?”

“I’m cold,” she lied. “I want to wait inside.”

“Let’s go back to our table. We can talk more before you go, maybe I can convince you to stay.”

He talked at her about democracy and gender roles and the inherent eroticism of a beautiful woman that didn’t know she was beautiful, and he stroked her hand until she snatched it from the table and tucked it in her lap.

“That’s what drew me to you, you know? You have no idea how you look.”

“Yes I do,” she replied. “I’m sorry if I gave you the impression that I didn’t, or that I’d be docile. If you touch me again I’ll rip your eyes out.”

He kept his hands to himself, then, but kept talking. It bordered on hilariously cliché, but she’d known enough incels that it kept her scared until Changbin messaged her again, letting her know he was outside.

He walked in as Hyunjin was stepping away from the table, and whatever was in his gaze kept her date in his seat.

“Will you call me?”

“No,” she said. “Don’t call me either.”

Changbin put his hand on her lower back as she walked out, his hand steadying her. “Let’s go, sweetheart. Thank you for contacting me.”

She had no other choice, but she didn’t tell him that. She climbed into his car and stared out of the window and waited for the world to make sense again. 

⸝⸝⸝

Changbin was quiet until they’d pulled away, and then he said, “I don’t know your address.”

Hyunjin forced herself to blink. She wasn’t scared, but she wasn’t calm. Something else, something that walked the edge of fury and despair and still, beneath it, that horrible, burning want. He’d come for her straight away. “Were you busy?”

Changbin was dressed in nice slacks and a black satin shirt. He’d straightened his hair, and he wasn’t wearing his glasses. Of course he’d been busy. “Not too busy to get you.”

“What were you doing?”

He pressed his lips together. “I was eating dinner.”

It was late for dinner. “With who?”

“Where am I taking you, Hyunjin?”

He was on a date. He’d left his date for her. “I don’t want to go home,” she whispered, staring at him. “Jisung isn’t there, I’ll be alone.”

“Where do you want to go? Where would you feel safe?”

She tugged at the hem of her pleather skirt. “I just don’t want to be on my own.”

Changbin did a swift U-turn. “Let’s go to my apartment. I’ll take the couch.”

“Are you sure?”

“Of course.”

“What about your date?”

His eyes slid to her. “Who said anything about a date?”

“You didn’t have to say anything.”

After a moment he sighed. “This is more important.”

“Was it going well?”

“Hyunjin.” The word sounded like a warning.

“Do you like her?”

His jaw locked.

“Have you seen her before? Will you see her again?”

“You shouldn’t be asking questions like that.”

She was feeling too hopeless to pretend she didn’t want to be special to him. Ignoring him had gotten her nowhere. “You look handsome.”

“Ah, come on. Are you aiming to torture me?”

“Do I look pretty?” She’d really tried. Despite the way the date had turned out, she had liked him in the beginning. Enough to put effort in with her makeup and hair, enough to forgo a bra. 

“Hyunjin.”

“Do I?”

“You always look pretty.”

She laughed. “That’s a coward’s answer.”

“You’re being a brat.”

“You should just tell me. I won’t tell anyone, you know that.”

“You look amazing. You look sexy as hell, alright?”

She felt herself blush. “Thank you.”

“Are you drunk?”

“Not in the slightest.”

Changbin blew out a breath. “What went wrong?”

“With my date?”

He nodded.

“He was an asshole.”

“Did he try anything with you? Touch you, kiss you - is there anything we need to report?”

“No, nothing like that. He just had bad opinions that freaked me out.” She laughed a little. “I wouldn't have let him kiss me.” 

He regarded her curiously for a moment. “Because he’s an asshole?”

She felt her face redden. “Because kissing is special. It’s not for a first date.”

“Special?”

She nodded. “Other than one mistake, I haven’t kissed anyone since my last real boyfriend. That was a year ago.”

“A year?”

She nodded again, unwilling to voice it more plainly. Why kissing was more sacred than her cunt she couldn’t say, but it was. There was a necessary partnership to kissing, a role for each participant. She didn’t just lie there and open her mouth as wide as possible so that he could shove his way inside and take what he wanted. 

Kissing was a courtship. When a man kissed her, she expected it to be slow. She wanted to be coaxed into opening her mouth, into using her tongue. She wanted him to moan, suck her bottom lip, thread his hands into her hair. She wanted him to enjoy it and enjoy that she was enjoying it. She wanted him to focus on kissing her without his hands drifting down to start exposing her cunt for fucking.

“Kissing means so much to you?” Changbin asked.

“Yes.” She untucked her hair to try and hide her blush. “Most men don’t care anyway. They don’t bring me home to kiss me.”

“Do you want them to?”

It was a strange question, but she gave it the thought he’s always given her strange questions in his office.

The more she thought about it, the better it sounded. She’d had make-out sessions, but only as a clumsy teenager. Boys with messy tongues and wandering hands, and they were never kissing for the sake of kissing.

She thought about it with Changbin, despite knowing it was forbidden. An entire evening on his bed, splayed across his side, kissing until their lips were tender, until he was hard and aching against her thigh and she was empty enough to start throbbing with it. She thought about them falling asleep, still kissing. No gratification beyond the pleasure of what they were already doing.

She fiddled with the ends of her hair and ducked her head further. She knew her blush was deepening. “That would be nice.”

“I didn’t realise you were so romantic.”

There was something in his voice she couldn’t identify, but she was too embarrassed to face him and look. “I’m not sure it’s romantic, really.”

“It is romantic.”

She looked out of the window again and willed the colour from her cheeks.

⸝⸝⸝

Despite Hyunjin’s intentions, as soon as they got to Changbin’s apartment he found her some sleeping clothes that were way too big. He let her into the bedroom and then left her there, and she climbed into his bed that smelled like his sweet detergent, and as much as she wanted to go back into the lounge where he was setting up the couch, she didn’t.

His bed was comfortable. She’d assumed she’d never get to find that out.

She was asleep before she could think more deeply about it, or the date he’d ditched to save her from her own.

⸝⸝⸝

Hyunjin woke up in his bed and thought she was dreaming. The sheets smelled of Changbin, of his sweet laundry detergent, and faintly of his deodorant. She was wearing his shirt and her panties, having kicked the rest off throughout the night. 

The bedroom was empty, which was her only real clue as to the reality of it. He’d have been sleeping beside her when she woke if it was truly all part of an elaborate dream, but the other side of the bed was cold. She’d slept alone.

She wandered through to his bathroom and was thrown back into confusion when she realised he’d put a spare toothbrush on the counter for her. The packet was unopened, so she knew it was clean. 

After brushing her teeth and washing her face, she felt a little more grounded but no less confused. 

Changbin was in the kitchen, she found out. Meal prepping in a pair of loose shorts and a shirt as baggy as the one she was wearing. He hadn’t brushed his hair. His glasses were slightly crooked. When he noticed her presence, he offered a small, guarded smile. “Morning.”

“Hi,” she said, toes curling into the hardwood floor. His thighs were - but she couldn’t focus on that. She’d start dripping.

“Come here.”

It wasn’t a demand, not really, but she complied anyway and walked closer, resting against the countertop on his left. “What are you making?”

“This is just salad. I’ll be cooking the protein later; I didn’t want to wake you with the smell.”

She felt her face heat. “Oh, that’s kind. Thank you.”

He put the knife down and pushed the chopping board aside, rinsed and dried his hands, then turned to face her. “What do you want for breakfast?”

“I…” Hyunjin stopped. She hadn’t expected to stay for breakfast.

Her expression must have been pretty lost, as Changbin softened. “I don’t have any plans today. I’m not going to kick you out.”

It was difficult to gauge where they stood. Hyunjin wanted to leave and continue to hope he’d follow, but she was scared of more disappointment. Besides, she’d spent the night in his bed. She was wearing his shirt. He was offering to make her breakfast. In another life, a slightly alternative reality, this would have been a perfect morning.

It took her a moment, but eventually she just settled on, “Toast is good. Thank you.”

Changbin put two slices of bread in the toaster for her and told her to go relax. She complied again, too uncertain to do otherwise.

The couch was as nice as she’d remembered, though she was only marginally less tense than the last time she’d sat on it.

Changbin brought her a mug of coffee with her buttered toast, and she didn’t have the heart to tell him it looked a little too milky for her. She would have drunk sewage water if he’d prepared it with care for her. “Thank you so much.”

“Stop thanking me, it’s just toast.”

It was so much more than toast.

Hyunjin nibbled the toast and sipped her milky coffee, and she thought about laying down in front of oncoming traffic.

“Do you want to talk about last night or pretend it never happened?” Changbin sat beside her on the couch, close enough to touch, his thighs spread.

Hyunjin stared resolutely ahead at the wall and kept nibbling. “Which part?”

She felt the couch shift more than she saw him shrug. “Whatever.”

Which part did he want her to forget? The shitty date? Changbin leaving his presumably good date just to collect her? Sleeping in his bed? “I don’t understand.”

“You don’t want to talk to me now, and I totally get that,” Changbin replied. “So I want to know where we stand with last night. If there’s anything you want to discuss then that’s fine, but if you want to pretend that none of this happened then that’s fine too.”

He let her get away with too much. She’d known that before, but it was becoming much more evident. “How was your date?”

He sighed, longsuffering. “That’s not what I meant when I said we can discuss the evening.”

“I know.”

When she didn’t ask a different question, Changbin snorted. “So you’re still a brat in the morning. Good to know.”

“Were you having a good time before I interrupted?”

“Yeah. It was nice.”

Nice. That was an unenthusiastic word to use. “Was it the first date?”

“The third.”

Hyunjin hummed. She tried to picture the kind of woman that kept Changbin’s attention for three dates, but she didn’t know his type beyond herself. Ridiculously, she wanted to ask about the woman’s tits. “Are you going to see her again?”

“No.”

She looked at him then, and found him already watching her, hand on his thigh, the other across the back of the couch. “Why not?”

“Because.”

She blinked at him slowly, trying Minho’s tactic for style. “You don’t want to tell me?”

To her surprise, Changbin glanced away. “Ask something else.”

Hyunjin knew she looked like shit. She’d done her best to wash her makeup off without any real cleanser, so she probably had panda eyes, and her hair was unbrushed. But still, she was wearing his shirt. Men liked that. She hoped Changbin did too. “Have you had sex with her?”

“Yes.”

Hyunjin cocked her head and swallowed her pride. “Was she better than me?”

“Christ.” Changbin turned back to her, angry. “Obviously not.”

Her pulse picked up speed. “No?”

“No, Hyunjin.”

“What about the others?”

“No one.”

It was her turn to look away, overwhelmed. “You’re the best I’ve ever had. I’m trying really hard to resign myself to it.”

Changbin laughed disbelievingly and rubbed a hand across his face. “We need to talk about this, Hyunjin.”

“I don’t want to.”

“What do you want? Be honest with me, no lies, no games.”

“What do I want?” It couldn’t be spoken aloud. The depth of her wanting was deep and hideous, and despite everything she couldn’t bring herself to sever what remained between them. No one was better than her. He’d said that with his own mouth. His perfect mouth. “I want you to kiss me.”

“You said kissing was for romance.”

There was no hiding that part of her need. Whether she said it or not, it was surely written across her face. “Yeah.”

He stared at her for a moment. “Fuck it.”

She didn’t understand until she was hauled into his lap like a doll, until one of his callused hands was resting on her neck, the other on the back of her head, until his perfect mouth was against her lips.

She understood then.

The club bathroom was nothing compared to this. Vulgar and rushed, it was a case of needs being met and nothing more.

Changbin tasted like toothpaste. The way he kissed her was slow, drugging, demanding, all tongue and spit. Hyunjin opened her mouth surrendered, and for once even that felt romantic. He wasn’t going to rip his pleasure out of her, he was going to guide her there too.

She trusted him. She didn’t realise how much better everything felt when she trusted the man that held her.

When their mouths parted with a slick noise, Hyunjin expected it to end. She thought he’d push her away again, tell her that enough was enough, that he wanted her but not that much. Not enough for more than what he'd already allowed.

Changbin thumbed over her breast through the borrowed shirt and hummed. “I thought you were stunning at the club, and you were. But this… wow.” He trailed his fingertips up her neck, across her jawline, then around the edge of her wet lips. She opened her mouth for him and he watched, eyes dark, as he skimmed his fingers across the row of her bottom teeth. “Look at you, Hyunjin. Sitting on my lap like a little princess.”

She felt a mortified blush burst across her cheeks and down her neck, but it was hidden briefly when Changbin pulled the shirt off her and threw it aside, leaving her shivery and exposed, in nothing but plain grey panties. He rubbed her sides as if to warm her, as if her shivers were due to the cold. It was sweet. She wanted to scream. 

He leant forward and took her nipple into his mouth, suckling as his left hand moved to squeeze the other tit, massaging roughly. Hyunjin felt her breathing speed up as she cupped his head, threading her fingers into his messy curls. Her tits were aching, her pussy throbbing. She could feel herself getting wet.

Changbin only pulled back when both of Hyunjin’s nipples were wet, swollen, and sore. He leant back against the couch and shifted his hips, finding a comfortable position before moving Hyunjin too, slightly further back so that she was resting on his thighs instead of his growing erection.

“I want you to show me,” Changbin said. His eyes moved from her torso to her face back to her torso, like he couldn’t decide where to keep his gaze or what to focus on. 

It didn’t feel like a performance when Hyunjin grabbed at her breasts just to watch Changbin’s focus shift. It didn’t feel forced. That in itself could have made her cum. And still, when she tried for confidence, her voice shook a little. “Show you what?” 

Changbin moved her hands away from her chest, kissing the centre of each palm before placing her hands on her thighs. “Just how good a princess like you can feel.” He moved his own hand to her panties, and above the material started to rub against her clit. The texture was rough and uncomfortable, and she immediately moaned, twitching forward into the pleasure. “Here,” Changbin said softly. “Right here, just like this.” He smiled as if to himself, but when he spoke again it was all for her. “There’s already a dark spot, sweetheart, that's lovely. You’re so lovely.”

“Stop,” Hyunjin moaned, rocking forward. She put her hands on his shoulders and dug her nails in, but he didn’t wake from whatever trance he was in. Maybe it was the time; the grey of the early morning felt secretive and removed from reality. Maybe it was the lack of clarity; Hyunjin was obscured by the dim light and long shadows, only hints and hues of skin. Maybe it felt like they were in the club again, just strangers with sexual chemistry and nothing else. 

Changbin shook his head, fingertips still rubbing gently over her clit. “I’m tired of this,” he said quietly. “I’m tired of pretending I don’t want you. I’m tired of pretending I don’t think about fucking you every single time I’m alone with my thoughts. I’m tired of not having you.”

Hyunjin ground her hips forward against his hand, moaning loud when he started to rub faster, harder. He wants me. He wanted me. He didn’t stop. “Tell me,” she whined, pathetic, “Please, please tell me.”

“I couldn’t stop thinking about you,” Changbin murmured. “You left me in awe, Hyunjin.” He slipped his hand beneath her panties, just grazing her cunt to get his fingers wet before returning attention to her clit, the glide easier as she rocked into his hand, hips clumsy and breath hitching. “I was so fucking angry when I realised it was you. You lied to me, baby. You let me think I was insane for picturing that night every time we sat together in my office.”

“I didn’t want to lie,” she forced out, moving her hands from his shoulders to the back of the couch so that she could brace herself more firmly and arch her back. It felt like her abdomen was melting, dripping all over his hand. She couldn’t tell if she was going to cum or pass out. “I just wanted - I wanted you, I wanted to have one night, I didn’t think you’d ever wa-” She cut herself off.

Changbin knew anyway. “I wouldn’t have let it happen, not then. Not now, either. After summer I would have found an excuse to see you, to ask you on a date. How could I not?”

She squeezed her eyes shut as he pulled his hand out of her panties.

“Even without that night,” he murmured. “I wanted you before I started to realise it was you. Your fucking mouth, your sweet eyes, your body… I know you dress to hide it. I felt guilty for looking anyway, when you crossed your legs and your jeans tightened over your thighs, when your pretty ankles were exposed, when you stretched and exposed a tiny strip of abdomen. I felt greedy for wanting you.”

His fingertips, wet and warm, trailed down the inside of her thighs before settling over her again, palming her through the damp fabric, blunt pressure just different enough to make her legs shake, her rhythm falter. It was building so slowly, so hot, so feverishly. 

“It became so much worse once I knew,” Changbin continued. “You’re not shy when you’re wet, are you, baby? You were such a wild girl; I couldn’t have expected that. Half-crazed from my cock - I don’t know if I should be flattered or concerned that no man has been giving you what you need.”

She shook her head violently, eyes still closed. She couldn't look at him. “No man, no man has ever-”

“It feels different, that’s what you said. I haven’t stopped thinking about it since. Your voice was… I could tell you’d be overwhelmed, and I was right. I’ve never been so happy to see someone fall apart,” Changbin said, sounding oddly fond. “I can take you there again, if you want it.”

“Please,” she gasped.

“Open your eyes.”

She forced them open to see him smiling at her, a small, intimate expression that left her breathless.

“That’s better,” Changbin said. He moved his hand from her hips to cup her face, thumbing at the ridge of her cheekbone. “I wanted to make you take off the mask. I wanted to see what I was doing to you. I mean, you were already the most beautiful woman I’d ever met, and I could barely see you.”

“I’m close.” It was a struggle to say; her words slurred together. She was dripping with sweat and arousal, her thighs shaking as she slowed her hips, unwilling to let it all end, unwilling to wake up from whatever cruel dream this was turning into. 

“Yeah?” Changbin asked warmly. “I can feel it. Even without my fingers inside of you, I can feel how swollen you are, how hot. Desperate, aren’t you? I love it. I love it baby, I love that you get so overwhelmed, that you blush all the way down to your gorgeous tits, that you’re wet enough for me after seconds of touch, wet enough for four of me after a couple of minutes. Come on, sweetheart, you deserve it. Come on.”

She pressed forward, unable to use her words. She grazed his cheek with her nose, pleading, and he turned his face to kiss her, slow and deep as his hand moved to grip her hair tightly.

“Show me,” Changbin said against her lips. “I want to watch you feel good, Hyunjin, come on -”

She whimpered against his mouth, seizing up, and he kept rubbing his palm against her clit, kept his fist in her hair, kept talking -

“Beautiful, so ridiculously beautiful, you have no idea what you do to me. Perfect girl, my perfect-”

She cut him off with a cry as she came, shaking violently as her cunt pulsed around nothing, empty and dripping, soaking into her panties and down her thighs. He’d lied to her. He didn’t take her there; he took her to the edge. He let her see what she could have. He left her empty and wanting, and it was cruelty she hadn’t expected from him.

Changbin’s hand was still covering her, stroking now, soothing her into overstimulation as her clit started to hurt. 

Still unable to speak, she fumbled with the waistband of his sweats until she could grip his cock, hard and leaking, and pull it out. He wasn’t cruel enough for her to ignore this, and how much she wanted it.

Changbin’s hips twitched, and he grunted. “Shit.”

He had the most beautiful cock. Within minutes he was fucking up into her slick fist, his arms having moved from her body to the back of the couch, his head thrown back as he let her work. 

She loved it; she ached to pull her panties aside and press him inside of her. How would it feel to have him twitch inside of her and know that he’d claimed her entirely? Coating her? She wanted it. She wanted to pull off his flaccid cock and feel his cum drip down her legs. She wanted to be his in every way.

When his breathing sped up and he started to moan on every exhale, Hyunjin rubbed the pad of her thumb against the underside of the head in small, firm circles. 

It only took a minute or so for him to arch into the touch as cum spurted from his cock, all over her hand and his shirt. Hyunjin’s mouth watered. She lifted her fingers to her lips, but Changbin grabbed her wrist before she could taste. 

“I don’t eat nearly enough fruit to make that worthwhile.”

Hyunjin laughed a little under her breath, but the glow was already leaving her self-conscious and increasingly nervous. 

Now what?

Changbin rubbed his thumb against the bone of her wrist. “Your toast will be cold.”

She didn’t want to waste more of his food. “It’s okay, I don’t usually eat breakfast anyway.”

Back to awkward.

Hyunjin let Changbin clean her hand with the discarded shirt, but the comfort was fading with her confidence. Her hair was probably even worse than when they’d first sat down. Her panties were wet and cold. If she saw herself in the mirror at that moment, drowned rat would probably be the description that came to mind.

Changbin just looked like himself. A little mused, a little damp around the neck, but still handsome. Still cute.

“You can use the shower if you’d like.”

Hyunjin would come away smelling like him. It was an extra layer of torture she couldn’t pass up, so she nodded silently and climbed to her feet, her thighs stiff and screaming at her as she stumbled upright.

Changbin held his arms out to make sure she didn’t topple.

She wanted to cry again. “Can I – where are your towels?”

“Top drawer in the dresser opposite the sink. Take as much time as you need, okay? Second drawer down is all my sister’s stuff, feel free to use that if you’d like, I keep it stocked.”

Of course he did. Of course he had a girl drawer in his bathroom.

Before Hyunjin could walk through to the bathroom, Changbin stood from the couch, slid his hands around her bare waist, and kissed her. Just the once, but it lingered. He lingered against her, breathing lightly between them. He nudged her nose with his own before stepping away, hands sliding across her waist again as they parted.

“Laundry basket is in the bedroom. If you need socks or another shirt or whatever, just go through the closet until you find what you want.”

She nodded faintly and walked through with as much dignity as she could muster. It wasn’t much. She was cold and her panties felt gross, and when she locked the bathroom door and finally looked at herself, a drowned rat did come to mind.

Changbin’s sister’s drawer held makeup wipes, tampons, pads, cleanser, toner, a fruity shower gel, and apple scented shampoo and conditioner. They were all decent brands. It was stuff Hyunjin would have no issue using if she were staying with a friend or a cousin.

In the shower the gel was spearmint, the shampoo and conditioner combined into one abominable product. Still, they were decent brands.

Under the hot spray of the shower, she touched herself. Her clit ached. Her chest ached.

Changbin always managed to make her feel the best she’d ever felt, or the worst.

She used the abominable male products and told herself that if she walked out of the bathroom and he wanted to fuck her again, it would be weird if she smelled like his sister.

That wasn’t going to happen, though, and she knew it. She planned for it.

She wrangled herself back into her skirt, forgoing the ruined panties, and stole the largest, softest shirt she could find in his closet.

As he was cooking the protein for his meal prep, the apartment was alive with the scent of garlic and loud with the noise of the frying, Hyunjin slipped into her shoes and snuck out. Better to cut out the disappointment of him not chasing her by not letting him realise she’d left.

⸝⸝⸝

Changbin messaged her when she was halfway home, just a question mark and nothing else.

Hyunjin didn’t reply.

He didn’t send anything else.

⸝⸝⸝

“You’re back to lovelorn,” Seungmin said. Her voice echoed around Hyunjin’s empty lounge, and even through the phone screen she looked disappointed. “You’d picked up for a while there, honey. What happened?”

“I saw him again.” It was easier to ignore her despair when she kept herself busy, so Hyunjin painted her toenails as she spoke. Seungmin had picked the red for her.

“Did he make you squirt again?”

Hyunjin would have been mortified if anyone else had asked, but Seungmin was different. She was still embarrassed, but not at the same level. “No. We didn’t… there wasn’t any penetration.”

“Was that your choice?”

Hyunjin shrugged. She dug her finger into the sidewall of her big toe to remove a smudge. “It just didn’t happen in that way.”

“Shame. Why are you sad if you’ve seen him again? Isn’t he your dream man?”

Hyunjin tried to hide her face with her hair. “I think it was a mistake.”

“Why?”

It didn’t prove much. He still wanted her, but she knew he wouldn’t let his resolve go that easily. What did one orgasm mean? Nothing. If she’d stuck around he would have called it a mistake and said it couldn’t happen again, and it would have broken her heart, and she would have left his apartment crying, which would have worsened when he didn’t try to get her back. What the evening had proved was that she still needed him. She needed him with a core-deep hunger. She was still putty in his hands, malleable and easy. Wet.

“Hyunjin?” Seungmin prompted.

“Ah, I’m not sure what to say.” She looked at the smear of red that had transferred from her toe to her fingertip. “It just showed me how obsessed I am. That’s not great.”

“Not great for who?”

She looked up.

“I’m just saying.” Seungmin shrugged. “If he really is as great as you think he is, then surely he’ll recognise how lucky he is to have a woman like you mooning over him.”

“I doubt it.”

Seungmin shrugged again. “In that case, you need to prove it to him. Either that or find someone else.”

Hyunjin couldn’t begin to explain how hard she’d tried to find someone else, and how crushing the results had proven.

⸝⸝⸝

Changbin called Hyunjin after dinner, waking her from an impromptu self-hatred nap. 

Disorientation was the only reason she answered, still in that strange place between a deep sleep and reality when she croaked, “Hello?”

“Were you sleeping?”

Then it registered who was on the other line. Fuck. “Yeah.”

“Are you home?”

“Yes.”

“Will you send me your address?”

“Why?”

Changbin’s sigh was short. “Because I’m tired of games and I need to speak to you. No more running away, no more hiding.”

Hyunjin didn’t want that, but she knew it was coming. The moment she’d left his apartment without a word she’d understood that she was just delaying the inevitable. He deserved closure, too. Even if the door had opened slightly when he’d agreed to pick her up. “Alright.”

She hung up and sent Changbin the address, then fermented face down on her bed until she realised he only lived twenty minutes away and she looked even worse than she had this morning, and then the panic hit.

She couldn’t let him cut her off while she was looking her worst, she couldn’t. It would destroy the tatters of her pride. 

In the eight minutes between her realisation and his arrival, she brushed her hair, caked on mascara, filled her brows, and applied copious amounts of chapstick. It wasn’t perfect, but it would have to do. Her clothes were a lost cause. She lacked the motivation to squeeze into jeans, and she was completely unwilling to take his shirt off. She’d slept with it pressed to her nose. If he asked for it back, which was likely, she was hoping she could take it off there and then, and he’d see her tits as a final, petulant, fuck you.

Even if she didn’t mean it. He didn’t have to know that, he just had to know that he’d never see her chest again. 

By the time he knocked, she’d mostly composed herself.

Then she opened the door, and Changbin was standing there with a bunch of pink roses. She almost closed the door in his face.

“Can I come in?”

“Are you going somewhere after this?” Hyunjin croaked. “A grave?”

Changbin blinked. “What?”

She looked down at the flowers.

He followed her gaze then laughed incredulously. “They’re for you, obviously.”

It wasn’t obvious to her. The last time she’d received flowers had been at eighteen, after her final performance with her high school dance crew. They’d been from her dad, discounted at the gas station. She’d kept them in a vase beside her window until they were rotting.

“You like romance,” Changbin said. “Baby, they’re for you.”

They weren't from a gas station, she could tell that much. Each rose was distinctively flawless, like they’d been handpicked. They were gathered in a pale fabric, no soggy paper in sight.

All of the humour leached from Changin’s expression. “When was the last time someone gave you flowers?”

“Does my dad count?”

“No.”

She stayed silent, fingers digging into the door. 

“Let me in, Hyunjin. Take your flowers.”

She stepped back, and once he was through the doorway, he pressed them into her hands and took off his sneakers.

After a moment of staring at his back, she closed the door and took the flowers through to the kitchen. She filled the sink with cool water and placed them gently, trailing her fingers over the waxy petals. The scent was faint but lovely. 

“It’s pretty bare in here.”

She glanced back to where Changbin was standing at the edge of the room, arms crossed over his chest, expression neutral. “We came straight from the dorms, it’s not like we had much to bring.”

“Did the apartment come unfurnished?”

“It came with the couch, bed frames, and desks.”

Changbin nodded. “You’re still wearing my shirt.”

“Do you want it back?”

“Not really.” He smiled faintly. “Looks better on you anyway.”

Thank God. Despite her earlier resolve, she’d decided after the flowers that he’d have to yank it off her corpse if he really did want it. “I don’t have much in. Do you want a drink?”

“I’m good, thanks. I just want us to talk.”

Horrifying. “Okay.”

Changbin waited a moment. “Can we sit down?”

Hyunjin forced herself to nod and followed him to the couch. It wasn’t as nice as Changbin’s, but it came free with the apartment, so she had no room to complain, even if she’d had to hire a handheld carpet washer to make sure she wasn’t sitting on any dried mystery fluids. 

She took one end of the couch, and he took the other. 

They faced each other, Changbin turning his torso, Hyunjin curled up with her knees against her chest.

The roses really had knocked the wind out of her sails. She didn’t know whether to be angry or upset or resigned anymore.

“I’m sorry.”

Hyunjin blinked. “What? Sorry for what?”

“For not being clear about how I feel.”

She laughed a little. “I am confused.”

“So am I.”

She picked at the skin of her cuticles, nervous.

“I’m sorry about Minho, too.”

Hyunjin’s body tensed automatically, but she forced herself to relax again. “It’s fine. I overreacted, like I said.”

“He was trying to make me jealous.”

Her eyes shot up. “What?”

“He knew I still wanted you. He was going to see how far he could get before I’d step in.”

“No.”

Changbin frowned. “No?”

“You don’t mean that.” She shook her head. Even when her eyes started to burn, she couldn’t bring herself to blink. “He was just… he told me…” I was trying to spur him into action. “You don’t mean that.”

“Minho is strange, but he isn’t typically that strange.”

“You still wanted me,” Hyunjin said, a little numb. “You still wanted me?”

“I did. I do.”

“But I tricked you.”

“You did.”

“You said it was a mistake. You said we’d both forget.”

“I was wrong.”

“You still wanted me?” She couldn’t get past that. When she was drinking with Minho it meant that… before that. All the times before that, he still wanted her. When he was telling her to come to class. When he sat her down on his couch and urged her to put her education first. When he dated other women. At the gym. At the dance performance. 

“I still want you. I thought this morning made that obvious, but I was wrong about that too. I’m learning.”

He wanted her at the dance performance. You were amazing. “When you saw me dance, you wanted me then?”

“I didn’t sleep all night,” Changbin confessed with a crooked smile. “Every time I see another side of you I’m left reeling for days. College, the club, the gym, on stage - it renews my obsession on a grander scale. I feel like a horny teenager again. Hyunjin, you feel like my first crush.”

“But I look like shit at the gym.” It was stupid, but all she could think to say.

“You look sexy. You’re a beautiful woman covered in sweat. What part of that is shit?”

He was replying too easily. Hyunjin was running out of answers that made sense outside of her own head. “My hair.”

Changbin laughed. “Your hair?”

“It gets all clumpy and frizzy.”

“You’re a beautiful woman covered in sweat. You could be wearing a clown wig and I’d still want you.”

She was still struggling. On a surface level, but somewhere deep down too, writhing with insecurities. “And the sex, it wasn’t - it wasn’t too much? Wasn’t I desperate?”

“I was desperate too. Why would that be too much?”

“It’s not cute to be desperate.”

Changbin stared at her. “Who put that into your head?”

Once I took your clothes off it became really obvious you weren’t a virgin. “Don’t men want a chase?”

There was silence between them for a moment, then Changbin said, “I really need you to give me a name, baby. Someone out there needs their nose breaking.”

“So you don’t want a chase?”

“I want you. I want you to be honest about what you want, too. I know I’ve been giving you mixed signals, and I’m sorry for that. It was… me fighting my better judgement, I guess.” Changbin scrubbed a hand through his hair, looking away for a moment as if to gather his thoughts. “You tricked me. I’m still angry about it, but not like I was. Not enough to stop the way I want you, have wanted you, and continue to want you. If we take all of the outside factors away, if we really were just two strangers, there’s chemistry. Still.”

Hyunjin swallowed. “Minho wanted to make you jealous. Did he succeed?”

“Yes.”

“What did you tell him about me?”

“That you were the best fuck of my life. Then, when I figured it out, that you were my student. He found that especially funny. He told me to pursue you anyway, but he knew I wouldn’t.”

“Because it’s wrong?”

“Because my education is everything to me.”

Hyunjin nodded. She looked back to her hands, her mangled cuticles, the red stain on her finger. “That hasn’t changed though, right? So why are you here now?”

“I’m not your teacher anymore.”

It couldn’t be that simple. “Come on.”

“I’m not your teacher anymore, and when you messaged me and interrupted my date yesterday, I realised that I was willing to put you first, no matter who I was with.” He sighed. “I’m not proud of it, but it’s the truth. You needed me and nothing else mattered.”

“You thought I was in danger. Don’t act like you wouldn’t have come for someone else too. Jisung, maybe. Even Minho.”

“It’s different. Trust me when I say that.”

His eyes were so dark. Obsession on a grander scale. “How is it different?”

“There’s being honest, dropping your date at home because a friend needs you, and then there’s what happened. I dropped her off at home and apologised for leading her on, because that’s what it was. If I picked you up and never saw you again, that wouldn’t have changed what happened, because I was dating a lovely woman and thinking about you before you messaged me. If you’d asked me to pick you up from a grocery store because of rain I would have come for you with the same urgency. If you called because you were bored I would have picked up. It’s disrespectful and my date deserves better than I gave her.”

“You want me that much?”

“Enough to trick you.”

Hyunjin didn’t know what to say. She barely knew where she was.

“What you did wasn’t right, and I’m still angry, but I get it.” Changbin reached for her and Hyunjin let him pull her closer. Pliant in his hands again, so easy. “I get it. I wanted to kill the guy you were sitting with.”

“He doesn’t believe in feminism.”

“I’ll teach him to appreciate it.”

“What do you want from me?”

The question seemed to surprise Changbin. “In what way?”

“You want me,” she said, still a little disbelieving. “So what? Do you want to date, or do you just want to fuck me again?”

“I want you in whatever capacity you’ll let me have you,” Changbin replied. “If you want to date, it’ll have to be a secret for a while. I’m sorry for that, but just over summer. Until I can officially ask you out next semester.”

He really meant it. “You’d date me?”

“I’d do more than that.”

“And if I don’t want that?”

“I’ll respect it.”

She looked at her hands again. “I need to go home soon. Will that change anything?”

“No. I think it’s a good idea for both of us, to give us a chance to think properly, apart, but I’ve given myself a long time to think about you. Distance won’t change anything.”

It was the easiest decision of her life. “Okay. Yes, yeah.”

“Yes?”

“Yeah.” She smiled, wobbly. “You’re the first guy to buy me flowers, in case you didn’t realise.”

He didn’t look smug about it. Not even close. “There’s a lot we’ll need to talk about. A lot of history, a lot of things that have already caused us problems, that might cause problems again.”

She nodded reluctantly. “But not right now.”

“No, not right now.”

Hyunjin threaded her hands into his hair, her heart about to thud right out of her chest. “Kiss me first.”

“Nice and slow,” Changbin said, brushing their lips together. “Just how you like.”

⸝⸝⸝

It was slow. Slow and deep, and eventually they moved from the couch to Hyunjin’s bed, because her couch was fabric, and she didn’t trust herself not to add to a mysterious stain. 

She stepped out of her baggy sweats but kept Changbin’s shirt on.

After a moment of hesitation, Changbin stripped entirely, and Hyunjin suddenly understood the obsession with her tits. His torso was thick and well-muscled, soft enough to be comfortable when they lay together and kept kissing, and if she wasn’t kissing him she wanted to be staring at him. There were no other options for her. 

Everything felt dreamlike, but she wasn’t willing to wake up. She didn’t let herself question it, she didn’t let herself do anything other than keep kissing him. His shoes were by the door, there were flowers in her sink. He could have been anywhere else, he could have let her leave his apartment silently and never speak to her again, but he didn’t. He followed. He’d chosen her, despite everything else.

They kissed until Hyunjin’s lips felt numb, until the pillow beneath her cheek was wet with spit, until Changbin was hard and aching between them.

It felt natural to grind against him. She was so turned on she felt out of her mind with it, wet between her thighs and swollen against his cock.

They didn’t stop kissing as he rocked his hips against her, sliding his cock between her folds and nudging her clit with every stroke. He kept his tongue in her mouth, exploring, lavishing.

Hyunjin swung her leg over his hip, and the next time he rocked against her, the head of his cock slipped inside. Hyunjin whimpered against his mouth, nails digging into his back to pull him closer as he locked up and stopped moving.

“Are you sure?” His voice was gritty and low.

It was the first thing either of them had said in what felt like hours.

Hyunjin licked across the seam of his lips, greedy. “Yes,” she whispered, then licked again. She nipped his bottom lip and pressed a chaste kiss to his mouth, then another, then another. She couldn’t stop. She only felt satisfied if some part of him was inside of her. “Please.”

He slid one hand down her side to rest over the curve of her ass before pressing inside slowly.

Hyunjin ducked her head to teethe at the skin of his neck, too overwhelmed for eye contact as she adjusted to his length. It was tight, tighter than before, maybe because there was no prep. She didn’t need it though, not with how turned on she was, how wet. She’d never been like this with anyone else. She felt like she was made for him.

“You’re perfect,” he murmured, kissing the top of her head. “So perfect, baby.”

He started moving then, just as slow as before, when they were grinding and kissing and Hyunjin had assumed that was the height of intimacy and pleasure. She was wrong. Changbin fucking into her slow and steady, relishing it, gripping her ass tight enough to leave bruises, moaning under his breath every time he bottomed out - this was the height of intimacy. This was the height of everything.

Hyunjin lifted her head to kiss him again, but before she could Changbin pulled back to look at her. 

She felt a blush burst across her cheeks, and in return Changbin gave her the most devastating smile.

“You’re back to being shy,” he murmured, grinding into her. “I love it. I love how red you get, even when you’re dripping for me. So wet, sweetheart.”

“Only for you.”

He kissed her then, slow and deep like his strokes. “It’s sad,” he said against her mouth. “Men should be giving you what you need. You deserve to be this wet all of the time.”

It was a silly thing to say that made her laugh. “I don’t want to be wet all of the time.”

“No?” he asked. “You’re saying if I took you to dinner, you wouldn’t want to be wet enough for me to touch you beneath the table? If we went for a walk together, you wouldn’t want to be wet so that I can push inside the moment we find hidden shade? You don’t want to be easy for me?”

She clenched and they both moaned. “You can’t - I couldn’t -“

“You let me fuck you in a public bathroom, are you telling me it doesn’t excite you? The thought of being caught?” He moved his hand from her ass to her clit, pressing gently as his thrusts sped up. “You don’t want people to see you like this?”

She shook her head, hips flinching towards his fingers. She wanted it, she wanted him to touch her wherever they were, whenever he wanted, but she wanted him to like her. She wanted him to think she was normal.

“You’re lying again,” Changbin said warmly. “My little liar. But you can’t lie about this, can you? Your body won’t let you.”

“Please,” she gasped again.

Changbin kissed her and moved his hand from her clit, down to where he was inside of her, and she shook like a leaf.

There was a pause, his fingers against her entrance, against his cock, and then very suddenly he pulled out and sat up.

Hyunjin made a bereft noise that was awful to her own ears, abandoned and needy, but Changbin leant down to kiss her again, soothing her immediate fear.

“Forgot a condom,” he said before sitting up again to search the pocket of his discarded jeans.

Her stomach clenched. She’d been so - she hadn’t even realised, but she could look now and know that the wetness on his cock was her, all her.

“Fuck,” Changbin said, staring into his wallet. He looked back at her with remorse. “I don’t have any. I wasn’t planning… I just wanted to bring you the flowers.”

They couldn’t stop. Not now, she’d cry. She was desperate, she needed him. But she knew the risks, and she was terrified of pregnancy. Neither of them wanted that.

“I can go to the store,” Changbin said. It sounded reluctant even to Hyunjin’s ears. “I’ll only be gone for twenty minutes.”

Hyunjin nodded. She pressed her open hand between her legs and felt the fluttering ache of emptiness. She could keep herself going for twenty minutes, surely. If she had the guarantee of him actually coming back.

“Don’t tease me,” Changbin said, soft. His eyes were on her hand. His cock was still red and hard, glistening. 

She slipped two fingers into herself, unwilling to let him look away. She clenched down on her fingers and enjoyed the way he stared with undisguised envy. “Go, then.”

“What?”

“Go to the store.” Her knuckles brushed against the sensitive spot inside of herself and she moaned. It felt good, but not as good as he did. “I’m not on birth control, we need a condom.”

“If you’re not on birth control then what we’ve done is already dangerous,” Changbin said slowly. “Baby, you got me wet too, I could feel myself leaking inside of you.” He wrapped his fist around his cock and stroked, once, before gripping the sheets tightly in both hands. “Fuck. Hyunjin, focus.”

She pulled her fingers out and wiped them on her thigh, breathing light and fast. I could feel myself leaking inside of you. “Huh?”

“Do you want a baby? Is this part of the game?”

She blanched. “Do you really think I’m that fucking insane?”

“I’m not accusing you of anything, I’m asking.”

She didn’t want a baby. She didn’t want her body to change. She wanted him, though, and if he wanted that from her then she’d do it. She was stupid, foolish, every bad word she could think of, but she’d do it. 

He wasn’t asking that of her, though. Not yet.

“I don’t want a baby,” she said. “I don’t want to get pregnant.”

“You’ll need to take Plan B.”

She nodded. 

“Have you ever taken it before?”

“No.”

His expression softened. “Are you nervous? I’ll get it for you.”

“I’m not nervous.” She knew her hands betrayed her, linking together so that she could fidget with her fingers. “I’m sorry, I didn’t think this through at all.”

Changbin huffed out a laugh. “I didn’t either, this isn’t your fuck-up alone.”

They regarded each other for a long moment. Changbin was still hard, though flagging slightly. That was probably due to the pregnancy talk. Hyunjin was still wet. They didn’t want to stop, which was abundantly clear.

Changbin shocked her when he spoke next.

“It works as long as you take it within seventy-two hours, I think.”

Hyunjin stared at him, uncomprehending. “Seriously?”

“I definitely read it somewhere.”

He did mean it. What the fuck. She couldn’t believe his turnaround from not wanting anything to do with her to wanting to fuck her unprotected. “Changbin, are you sure?”

Changbin kept his expression neutral. “It’s your body, Hyunjin. I’m happy with whatever you’d prefer.”

If she were in her right mind she would have scoffed. As she was, so turned on that she was lightheaded, she reached for him and said, “I want you to keep leaking inside of me.”

Changbin caught her easily, and the way she was endeared by his cunt sticky hands as they rolled her onto the bed on her back was awful. He lifted her legs so that he could push back inside with a restrained moan, and the way she was endeared by that was awful too. 

She stared up at him and could have cried at the way his shoulders blocked out most of the light, the way he held her so tightly, the way he was so thick and hot and his delicious smell.

The sensation of him hardening fully inside of her was strange, and she almost came from that alone. 

Changbin started thrusting, short and restrained but powerful, his hips shunting her up the bed as he moved his hands to brace himself over her, smiling a little when her legs wrapped around his hips, ankles crossing over his ass. 

She wasn’t scared to moan now, at how good he felt. She could use her own voice, speak her own thoughts, and even if it embarrassed her she could hold eye contact and revel in the fact that he was fucking her raw and he knew her. He knew who she was. He knew exactly what he was doing. He chose to do it.

“I like you,” she said, wide-eyed and humiliating. She immediately wanted to rip her eyes out. Why that? Where was her bedroom talk?

Changbin stared down at her softly, but he didn’t stop the forceful thrusts of his hips. “Yeah?” he murmured. “I like you too, sweetheart. I like you so fucking much.”

Hyunjin shuddered. She squashed his cheeks between her hands and kissed him, once, twice, a third time, and then said. “I want to feel your cum dripping out of me.”

Changbin reared back, ears flaming red. “What the fuck? Hyunjin!”

He liked her. He liked this; he liked the way she was. He kept fucking into her like he couldn’t stop, like he didn’t know how, like he didn’t want to know how. 

Hyunjin stretched her arms above her head and arched her back, bringing her chest into focus. “You don’t want to?”

“Baby,” Changbin warned. His left hand moved to cup her tit, thumbing over her nipple despite his tone.

He liked her.

“None of my boyfriends have done it,” Hyunjin said, aiming for sultry and landing somewhere airy and hopeful. “You’ll be the first.”

“First to make you squirt, first to fill you up…” Changbin squeezed her nipple and she yelped. “None of these boys knew how to handle you at all, did they?”

“What about your girlfriends? Your dates?” Hyunjin asked. She tried to keep the jealousy out of her voice. “Could they handle you? Did they know how you like it?” She clenched down and relished the way his hips stuttered as he moaned, grinding into her. “Have you fucked a girl raw before? Really raw, I mean, no condom, no birth control - there’s nothing between us. Anything could happen.”

“Just you,” Changbin said, shaking his head with a wild grin. “You make me fucking crazy. I don’t like risk.”

“But you like me.”

“I do,” he said. “You’re worth the risk.”

She felt her entire torso clench, her orgasm suddenly much closer. “I couldn’t cum after you. It wasn’t enough.”

Changbin moaned, speeding up. “Yeah?”

“Will you help me? Like before, in the club?” She wanted it so badly. She wasn’t afraid of begging. “Changbin, it felt so good, I didn’t know sex could feel like that, like this, I didn’t know.”

He slid one hand under her back and forced her further into an arch, and the next time he fucked into her he nailed her sweetest spot, making her squeak from a combination of shock and pleasure. It felt like lightning, liquid hot in her veins.

“You’re so easy to understand,” Changbin murmured into her ear. He kissed the shell then resumed his speed at the new angle, hitting that spot again and again and again as she clung to him, digging her fingers into his broad back, ankles linked behind his ass. “So responsive, so honest with me when you’re turned on. You wanna make a mess for me again? Put on a show?”

“Yes.”

“Get you addicted to it. Hm?” He laughed softly. “If you’re not already.”

“I am, I am, I swear I am –”

“You get wet so fast. Is that just for me?”

She nodded frantically.

“I’m lucky,” Changbin said. He kissed her ear again, dragging, then nosed at the skin behind it, nipping sharpy. “I don’t intend on wasting you.”

It built up out of nowhere. One moment she was clinging to him, and the next she was trying to get away, overwhelmed by the wave of her climax, still building, terrifying in its intensity.

He didn’t let her go anywhere, caging her in. His right hand moved to his cock again, her entrance, where she was clenched down on him, dragging friction as he fucked into her ruthlessly. 

“A little longer, a little more coaxing,” he murmured against her cheek, “Just a little more time and you’d be able to take my fingers too.”

Hyunjin shook her head, wordless. She could barely take most cocks, everything hurt, everything was too tight. Not with Changbin, though, and he was one of the biggest. 

His hand moved to press against her clit, not rubbing but a hard, almost painful pressure. “You can,” he said. He pressed a kiss to her open mouth, smiling against her lips. “Trust me, baby. I know your body better than you do. I’ll show you what you can do.”

When she came she had nowhere to go. She gasped out what would have been a scream if she’d had any air, and like before, like the club bathroom, she felt Changbin pull out just as she gushed. 

He pressed his fingers in, palm against her clit, and through the flashing fog of pleasure, she felt the way her legs and the sheets beneath her soaked. She couldn’t comprehend what was happening. 

When it finally started to ebb, Changbin rolled Hyunjin onto her side, out of the wet spot. He parted her legs and pushed back inside, and she barely had the consciousness to clench and make him moan.

He was above her, so beautiful that she forced herself to keep her eyes open despite wanting to close them and fade away. 

She held one hand out, needy, and he linked their fingers together, fucking harder now, faster, chasing his pleasure.

“Seventy-two hours,” Hyunjin said, her tongue clumsy. “As soon as you cum I want you to do it again. Make it worthwhile. Fill me up.”

“Fuck.” Changbin ducked his head, ears red again. “You really are crazy.” His curls bounced as he thrust into her. Hyunjin had always been a girl’s girl, but she’d have to kill anyone that looked at him. She’d decided. She was sore and tired and oversensitive, and she wanted him to cum in her and then keep doing it, fuck the consequences. 

“You want to.”

“Of course I want to.”

“Do it. Changbin, please.”

He moaned again, hips faltering, his fingers dimpling her skin with the strength of his grip. “Ask me again.”

“Please cum inside of me,” she whispered. There was no shame in this, in giving him what he wanted. “Please, I want it, I want to feel you dripping out of me, I want to feel it when I sit up, I want to know in the morning that it could have taken-“

Changbin came with a groan, pressing tightly against her, almost crushing her beneath his hands.

She could feel him twitching inside of her. 

He collapsed behind her, careful not to hurt her. 

“You’re over the wet spot.”

He laughed breathlessly and kissed her shoulder. “It’s an honour to lie in a pool of your squirt.”

She closed her eyes and decided that she’d never move again. “Freak.”

He spooned her close and slid one arm under her head, the perfect pillow, and cupped her cunt with the other. “Just like you.”

“The perfect match.”

He hummed. “Perfect you. The woman of my dreams.”

She kicked him. “Don’t be cheesy.”

“Being cheesy is non-negotiable. Get used to it.”

He was in the wet spot for her, his cum leaking out of her pussy. She’d do more than listen to cheesy lines for him, but he didn’t need to know the true extent of it, not yet. “When do you go home?”

“I don’t have any plans yet, why?”

“I’ll be visiting Jisung in a couple of weeks.”

“Oh?” He bit down on her shoulder gently, and she could feel his smile. “I hear there are good clubs in the area. Let me know if you intend on visiting any.”

She smiled to herself. “Maybe I won’t. What if I want to meet a handsome stranger?”

“We can make that happen. I’m not above trickery either, baby. Not with you.”

Maybe she was crazy. She couldn’t wait to call his bluff.