Chapter Text
The ship was still in a state. The crew had been tidying, clearly, but it wasn’t a lick on how she’d been when Ed first arrived aboard the Revenge.
There was some damage that won’t be undone, or easily concealed. Some scars in the wood, some missing pieces that no amount of joinery will fully conceal. The ship’s seen things, now. Things that change you, man or boat.
He didn’t want to stand near the wheel; too many hard memories. Even with the blood and gunpowder washed away, the echoes of days and nights, noises, visions--
So close.
He’d come… so close.
He doesn’t deserve to go back into Stede’s cabin, not with how he left it. Stede may have forgiven him - for now - but when he saw the extent of damage, loss, harm… He’d wiped damn near every trace of the previous inhabitant. Desecrated it, so nothing reminded him of his loss.
Ed didn’t want to see that. It was better in his memory, and he closed his eyes to feel the salt-breeze whip through his loose hair as he stood at the ship’s prow.
“Hey,” Stede kept his voice low, and his footfalls not too quiet. He didn’t want to sneak up on--well…anyone, frankly. There was a certain jumpy quality that most of the crew had acquired, especially the ones that had remained under Ed. So he was taking pains to make sure he made noise when he moved around the ship. Not that he was especially quiet to begin with, but it seemed to help. There weren’t as many startled jolts.
None of the rest of said crew were in earshot just now; they all seemed to be giving Ed a wide berth. Stede couldn’t blame them. It’d be awhile before trust could be reestablished, and that would take both time and work.
Not that this felt like the moment to address such things. “Getting some fresh air?”
“Yeah. Didn’t… didn’t feel right to be… anywhere.” Not even here, if Ed was totally honest with himself. “I made a mess of your ship. While you were gone. Made a bloody big mess of it, mate.”
Ah.
“Yeah. It’s…it’ll take a while to get things to full working order again.” Stede drew closer to him. “But the crew’s made a start already. And um…I mean, I don’t really know a lot about fixing things otherwise I’d be doing the work. But I could learn. And I can organise! I’m good at that. So…it’s not like you sunk the ship or something unfixable.”
He risked bumping his shoulder to Ed’s. “I also ordered Buttons to lay off the magic, so we’re safe for now. I think half the crew’s terrified of him and the other half’s going to be pestering him for magic favours.”
“Probably some overlap.” Ed bumped back, gently. “But… we don’t think maybe he can do some kind of… undo spell? Take this all back to before? Take us all back?”
Before he made such a bloody big mess of everything.
Ed was fairly sure he’d use it, if offered. The chance to make all this pain vanish would be too strong to resist.
Stede let out a long breath. “Literally the same thing I asked him about. Which got me an earful about ‘lessons learned’ and ‘not interfering with space time’ and someone named Jeremy Bearimy? It was all very confusing. But the short answer is it doesn’t seem to work like that.”
He slumped, letting himself lean on the railing. “I get it, Ed. If I could just--wave a wand and make the last few months all go away…take us back to right before Jack fucked everything up…or hell, before I accepted the stupid duel so we could tie Izzy down and make him understand you were both safe here…”
He shook his head. “But it’s done now. All we can do is move forward. Well, that or apparently re-live the trauma whilst trapped in other bodies which, frankly, I’m not keen to try again at the moment.”
He thought about that for long moments. Like Stede, Ed had had quite enough mind-fucking vision quest bullshit for fifteen lifetimes. Holding his own pain was bad enough, but holding Stede’s and Izzy’s, too?
“How… how do you even… how would that even work? I mean… what would we even do? Half the fucking crew likely want me dead. I wasn’t nice to them, you know. Not just Izzy. What… I mean, it’s your ship, and… I don’t even… know what it is I want to do. Be…”
“Well, I think we’re going to need to talk to them about that,” Stede said gently. “See what it’s going to take to make them feel safe again, too. It’s not going to be easy, obviously, but…but after what we all just went through, I think…no. No, I know we can handle it. Because I’m damn sure not losing you again.”
Stede grabbed Ed’s arm, feeling fierce. “We can do this.”
“What is it you want from me?” Ed asked, eyes wild with hope and fear combined. “What… what are we?”
He didn’t know why it mattered, but it did. He needed to know precisely what it was Stede hoped for, so they didn’t mistake one another again.
“I…” Stede tried to find the words. “Ed, I want to be with you. That’s what I’ve wanted since I left you. I don’t--I don’t know if that means co-Captains just now, given the state of things with the crew. But I don’t care about titles, or--or labels. I care about you. I just…I want us to be able to talk and touch and…laugh again. That’s what I want.”
“I’m not sure how much I even want to be a Captain,” Ed confessed, eyes darting away. “I don’t know… much of fucking anything. I told you how… how empty it all was, before I met you… And when you left, it was fucking… worse.”
He shrugged a shoulder, letting his hand brush against the other man’s. “I… don’t want to… I don’t want to be the Kraken. I… want to be Ed.” Ed bit his lip hard, trying so desperately to keep Stede’s gaze and failing over and over. “I want to be Ed. And I need... you.”
Which is all sorts of terrifying. His whole happiness, safety, sense of purpose… all wrapped up around one man. “I need Stede… and Ed.”
Stede took his hand and held his gaze. “That’s what I need too.”
Before he lost his nerve, he leaned in and gave Ed a kiss. It wasn’t the first time they’d kissed since being reunited, but it was the first time since having any sort of talk. Stede cupped his free hand around Ed’s waist, not drawing him in, but making sure he felt held. Safe. Hopefully.
The shuddery breath that Ed let out as Stede kissed him spoke of relief, more than anything. He clutched at Stede’s hip, fingers finding the belt-loops and worrying them, desperate for him not to leave, but still flighty, unsettled.
When the kiss broke, he tilted to touch their brows together, staying in close. “We… talk it through?” It felt a bit silly suggesting it, because that was Stede’s line, not his. He’d never been good at talking, not before Stede. “Not all at once. But… I think I need that. If it’s okay…?”
“Oh, God, yes. I…yes! That.”
Of course words failed him at this exact moment.
Stede let out a frustrated groan. “What I mean is I would like that. Very much.”
“...and… maybe… I mean…” Ed shuffled his feet. “Sometimes, when I’m sad… blankets help. Maybe… we can talk about some more stuff… like that? And… kisses sometimes help with the feeling better, too…”
Stede was making mental notes as quickly as he could. “Of course we can. I…sometimes rambling a bit can help me if I’m having trouble. Not really focusing on whatever the issue is at hand, per say. Just…talking. In general. Of course, I tend to do that anyway…But of course we can, Ed.”
He punctuated this with another kiss. “I’m…I’m not just here for the good things. I’m here for the sad stuff, too. I want there to be more good things than sad things, of course. But don’t ever try and hide the sad parts from me. Because…because I don’t think I can hide them from you. Not anymore.”
“I don’t want you to. Hide them, I mean.” Ed fixed him with the most earnest look in his arsenal. “I want to know them, so I can help. Or at least be there for you. If we - if we’re doing this - being this - it’s all or nothing for me.”
He had, after all, painted cake toppers. Sure that was something more for ‘normal’ couples, but he still felt that same level of devotion, or need for it, deep down.
Stede nodded. “Me too. All or nothing.”
That’s what it had felt like without Ed, after all. Like nothing.
“So. What do we do now?” Stede looked back to the ship. “There’s a lot of work to do. But maybe we can start with some breakfast? Or…early lunch, I guess. How does that sound?”
“Brunch. It’s breakfast-and-lunch.” Ed nodded, very solemnly. “I could try to make it. I don’t really know how, but… I guess I should start pulling my weight some more. Can’t have the Captain doing all the work, huh?”
“Brunch,” Stede nodded. “I like the sound of that. I can set up the tables and benches if you want to try? Then we can keep talking. If--if you want. Or not! Or…Just still…be…um…nearby.”
Well, there went any points he’d gotten for smoothness.
“I like talking… to you.” Oh god, Ed honestly couldn’t be worse at this if he tried. His heart was always in his damn mouth around Stede. He tried to smile sweetly, but mostly just looked like the love-struck dork he was. “Stop… stop worrying, Stede. We worked it out before, we’ll… we’ll work it out again.”
Stede nodded. “Right. Well, uh--shall we then?”
He took a step back towards the gally and held out a hand to Ed.
“Lead the way,” Ed said, taking it graciously. It would be nice to follow, at least for a little while.