Archive of Our Own

Chaeyoung regards Sana carefully. She’s just sitting there, tapping away at her phone, her dark brown hair falling in waves around her shoulders. Chaeyoung can’t help but notice how pretty she is. She doesn’t want to notice. She knows that if she notices, Mina must be noticing too and Chaeyoung wishes she wouldn't. But Sana undeniably is pretty with her high cheekbones, straight nose, and expressive eyes.

She dresses pretty too, well-fitting brand name clothes hugging her slim figure, her make-up impeccably dancing the line of natural while still accenting her eyes and lips in an incredibly alluring way. She looks like an idol. Chaeyoung can’t help but look down at her own baggy cargo pants and overlarge t-shirt and wonder what the hell she was thinking when she left the house. She doesn’t normally worry about stuff like this. She likes the way she dresses, likes that she can balance comfort and keeping her own style. But she knows it’s not traditional really. She could rock a crop top and tight skirt like Sana, but she just wouldn’t feel like herself. But then at least maybe she’d be sexier. After all, she wants Mina to think she’s sexy. Maybe Sana is more her type.  

Maybe Mina would rather be out with Sana tonight instead of Chaeyoung. Chaeyoung wonders why Mina even asked her to come along. She thought tonight was supposed to be a date – a night at the movies with Mina to catch the newest Marvel release. Not her favorite genre but if Mina wanted to watch it, Chaeyoung absolutely would not deny her that. She had never denied Mina anything. She just hadn’t expected Sana to be tagging along.

Chaeyoung’s not delusional. She knows that she’s not the only person that Mina has wrapped around her pinky. She knows better than to give her whole heart to the other girl (at least she tries not to but it’s hard… it’s so hard). She just believed that given enough time maybe she could get Mina to like her enough to forget about the others. She still believes that. Kind of. But with Sana in front of her, someone she knows Mina has hooked up with before, is maybe hooking up with now, it feels like a lost cause.

The silence between them is almost painfully awkward and Chaeyoung didn’t think she’d ever be in this situation, but Mina wasn’t ready to go when they arrived and had asked them to wait while she got changed. And Chaeyoung knows that Mina and Sana are sort of a thing, but she doesn’t know if Sana knows about Chaeyoung and she doesn’t know if Sana also thought this was a date. She seems entirely too calm with the situation, eyes on her phone with a neutral expression.

Maybe she and Chaeyoung are different. Maybe Sana really is just in it for the sex or whatever the hell it is she gets from Mina. Maybe Chaeyoung is the only one stupid enough to want more. After all, it wasn’t like she hadn’t known about Mina’s other situations almost from the beginning.

The first time they’d hooked up had been at a party that Mina had gone to with Jeongyeon. They’d had a fight and Jeongyeon had stormed out. It wasn’t clear at the time what it was about, but looking back on it, Jeongyeon had wanted more, and Mina hadn’t wanted to give it. Chaeyoung hadn’t known about any of that. She’d only learned about it the next day from Dahyun who had found herself needing to take care of a sobbing Jeongyeon.

No, Chaeyoung had been completely unaware of everything. She had just suddenly found herself caught in a very beautiful girl’s intense gaze and she’d been helpless since then. When she’d woken up in Mina’s bed the next day, she’d been in love, whether she wanted to or not. Only later did Dahyun tell her what had happened with Jeongyeon and Chaeyoung had felt a guilt in her throat so intense that she’d nearly thrown up. She didn’t do this kind of thing. She wasn’t a home wrecker. Even if Jeongyeon and Mina had never technically dated and even if their fight had ultimately meant the end of whatever relationship they had, Jeongyeon probably still would have been devastated to learn that Mina didn’t go home alone that night. Chaeyoung doesn’t know Jeongyeon that well, but she never wanted to do anything to hurt her.

But the next time she’d seen Mina, she couldn’t help herself. Jeongyeon and Mina weren’t seeing each other anymore. She wasn’t getting in the way of anything, so it was okay, Chaeyoung had rationalized. It was the only thing she could do, because from the start, saying no to Mina wasn’t an option.

Bit by bit, never from Mina herself, Chaeyoung had learned about Mina’s other girls. Irene, Tzuyu, Lisa. And Sana. It should have made her want to give up, realize that Mina would never settle for just her. But she’d reasoned it away, that they weren’t exclusive yet, Mina could see who she wanted, that Mina just needed time. Eventually she would see that Chaeyoung could give her everything she wanted. But time had passed and here was Sana sitting on the couch across from where Chaeyoung stands awkwardly, hopes of a date crushed at her feet.

It was extremely frustrating because Chaeyoung almost can't blame Mina. Sana is…there’s something absolutely alluring about her. Gorgeous, sultry, and Chaeyoung knows her reputation as being kind, sweet, funny. And it’s not like Mina ever promises Chaeyoung anything. Mina never promises anyone anything. It's up to them to break their own hearts.

Chaeyoung wonders if Sana ever felt her heart break when she was with Mina.

“Alright,” Mina said, coming back into the room, pulling her hair up into a ponytail, looking absolutely ethereal. “I’m ready. Let’s go.”

Mina has a hickey under her jaw. That's the first thing Chaeyoung notices when she sees her. Mina isn’t even trying to hide it. She doesn’t need to, Chaeyoung supposes. It's not like Chaeyoung doesn’t know that Mina is sleeping with other people. Still, it feels a little disrespectful to roll up to Chaeyoung’s apartment in the middle of the night begging for kisses when she has someone else’s marks on her.

Unfortunately, the second thing Chaeyoung notices is how beautiful Mina is. Heart-stopping really, even just in a loose hoodie and shorts. And she smells good as she pulls Chaeyoung close and nuzzles kisses against her shoulder. And she really is so sweet and kind and gentle as she drags Chaeyoung into the bedroom. As she tells Chaeyoung how beautiful she is as she pulls off her shirt. As she kisses her tenderly while reaching past the waistband of her pants.

It really is a shame, Chaeyoung allows herself briefly to consider, that Mina is so unable to commit to anyone. Or doesn’t want to or whatever her reasons for always having a rotating roster of girls at her beck and call. She really would be a wonderful girlfriend to whoever managed to pin her down. She could make someone so happy. Chaeyoung wishes it could be her even as she has to avoid pressing kisses where Mina already bears someone else’s marks.

Later as they lay in bed together, Chaeyoung curled up against Mina’s bare chest as she runs her fingers through her hair, Mina asks her about her day. And Chaeyoung tells her in detail. About how lunch with Dahyun was good but how her teacher had called her out in front of the whole class for a mistake. How it had made her feel small and stupid. Mina presses a gentle, comforting kiss to her forehead and hums her sympathies as Chaeyoung goes on about the unfairness of it all. Mina is a good listener, one of the best Chaeyoung knows. She hums and gasp in all the right places, offers advice and asks questions. When Chaeyoung sounds upset, she holds her closer and press kisses to her hair and tell her it'll all be okay. These moments are the most dangerous ones, Chaeyoung knows. When it's not just about pleasure. When it became about enjoying each other’s company, sharing with each other, relying on each other.

If Chaeyoung valued her heart at all, she would never let it happen. She would kick Mina out of her apartment after they had both been sated. Would shower until she couldn’t feel Mina’s lingering touches on her skin and couldn’t smell her anymore. But these moments are what she craves more than anything. She wants to let Mina into her heart and wants to be allowed into Mina’s in return. So, she'll spill her guts and tell Mina about her vulnerabilities and troubles without any regard for her own heart.

And Mina responds in kind, telling Chaeyoung about her day, about how it had been really long and draining. How she’d had classes from 8am until 3pm and how she’d been so tired and wanted nothing more than to see Chaeyoung. And Chaeyoung lets herself hope that she really was what Mina looked forward to most at the end of the day. But then Mina mentions how there was a new restaurant that she tried last night with Sana, and Chaeyoung had to use all of her willpower to not stiffen in Mina’s arms because she’s certain that their night did not end at dinner. She now has a face to who had placed those darkening marks on Mina’s neck, now has someone to hate.

Mina must be pretending not to notice the way Chaeyoung has gotten quieter. She’s so perceptive, there’s no way she doesn’t sense the change in mood. But she ignores it. It’s cruel, if Chaeyoung thinks about it long enough, for Mina to know something is wrong and pretend not to notice. Maybe she just doesn’t care.

“So,” Sana says, sitting down next to Chaeyoung and hand outstretched towards Chaeyoung with a lit blunt between her fingers. “What’s your story?”

Chaeyoung tears her eyes away from where Mina is currently grinding up against Tzuyu and does her best to erase the image of Tzuyu’s lips on Mina’s neck from her mind. She takes the blunt and takes a long drag, long enough to make her chest burn. Hands it back to Sana.

“What do you mean?” she asks, voice scratchy.

“I mean,” Sana says. “What in your life lead you to this moment?”

“Well, I came to this party and then you sat down and started talking to me out of the blue, I guess,” she replies, a little snappy.

She doesn’t dislike Sana herself. Doesn’t really know her well enough to dislike her and has only ever heard good things about her. She just dislikes who she is to Mina. Though as she sees Tzuyu slip her hands under Mina’s shirt out of the corner of her eye, she supposes that she should be glad that she’s never actually seen Sana do anything with Mina. Makes it easier to not simply walk away from this conversation like she wants to. Thank God for small victories.

Sana lets out a little giggle at Chaeyoung’s words and it’s only then that Chaeyoung notices how red Sana’s eyes are and the somewhat hazy expression on her face. Chaeyoung is pretty sure the blunt that they are now apparently sharing is not her first of the night. And maybe it’s been mixed with some alcohol as well.

“No, silly. I mean, how did you end up sitting here watching the girl that you’re in love with make out with someone else?”

Chaeyoung scoffs.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Her voice is gruff and aggressive, and she expects Sana to back off but instead she just smiles wider. Maybe it’s the weed affecting her ability to notice that she’s really pissing Chaeyoung off. Maybe she’s trying to piss Chaeyoung off. Is this some sort of territorial dispute?

“Mina, sweetheart,” Sana says. “You look really pathetic sitting here watching her like that.”

“I’m not in love with Mina,” Chaeyoung denies harshly. What a lie.

“It’s okay, Chaengie,” Sana says softly, understandingly, leaning back against the sofa and looking up at the ceiling. “I’m in love with her too. We all are.”

The confession, or maybe the tone behind it - resigned, hurting, desperately sad - is enough to soften Chaeyoung a little bit. Enough to answer Sana’s original question.

“Jihyo invited me. I didn’t know Mina would be here,” Chaeyoung says. “I just wanted a fun night and now…”

She trails off, unsure of how she’s supposed to finish that sentence. There’s silence between them for a second.

“Yeah,” Sana says finally, tone vacant. “I get it. Nayeon invited me but … same.”

Chaeyoung isn’t sure what to say but she accepts when Sana offers her another drag. They pass the blunt back and forth for a bit as Chaeyoung forces herself to look anywhere but at the dance floor. Her curiosity itches to see if Tzuyu is still pressed up against Mina, if she’s kissing her, holding her, or worse, if they’ve disappeared off to do who knows what. She ends up focusing on Sana instead, the only other interesting thing there is to look at.

She’s still looking up at the ceiling with a blank expression. It doesn’t suit her, Chaeyoung thinks. Sana normally looks happy, sometimes Chaeyoung has seen her angry, with a sharp frown to her features and dark eyes. She’s never seen her empty like this though. She doesn’t like it.

“I’m not stupid, y’know,” Sana says out of the blue. “I know… I know what I’ve gotten myself into. I just don’t know how to get out.”

It’s an achingly familiar sentiment.

“Me too,” Chaeyoung says.

Sana pulls her eyes away from the ceiling to look at her. Suddenly there’s something past just emptiness in her eyes as she regards Chaeyoung. She takes a long drag and exhales, the smoke obscuring her face a little though eyes never leave Chaeyoung’s.

“You deserve better,” she says, passing the blunt back to her.

Chaeyoung’s not sure Sana knows her well enough to make a statement like that.

“Are you talking about me or yourself?” she challenges.

“Both of us,” Sana says with a sigh. “I’m talking about both of us.”

Chaeyoung sees Sana walking with Mina on campus the next day and wonders if Sana even remembers their conversation from the night before.

Mina comes by Chaeyoung’s apartment every night for a week until all of the marks on her skin are from Chaeyoung’s mouth and hands alone, until Chaeyoung starts to feel like Mina belongs there. She wonders if something has changed for the other girl. Maybe she finally realized what Chaeyoung has wanted her to realize all along, that Chaeyoung is her favorite, that Chaeyoung will treat her best. It’s enough to get Chaeyoung’s hopes up.

It’s also enough to crush them when she’s alone in her apartment on Friday night waiting for a text only to see Mina hanging off Lisa’s arm on Jihyo’s Instagram story. Chaeyoung is crying before she knows it and suddenly the four walls that Mina had inhabited with her for the last week feel like they're closing in. She has to leave.

She doesn’t know where to go. Normally her first choice would be Dahyun's but she’s home for the weekend, visiting her parents. She also has openly expressed how much she hates Mina, for what she did to Jeongyeon, for what she keeps doing to Chaeyoung. She wouldn’t understand why Chaeyoung is upset right now. 'You knew that she was like that,' she’d say. 'I told you not to keep going back to her.' Chaeyoung loves her best friend but can’t deal with that right now. Jihyo would be second. But Jihyo is out and the reminder of who she’s out with and what they’re probably doing makes Chaeyoung sick.

So, she walks. She walks towards campus because campus is safer than the random streets around it and it’s pretty at night, the old brick buildings lit with soft yellow lights. She gets to see people going about their evenings. They look happy. Carefree even. Chaeyoung wishes she could be like them. She walks until her feet hurt and then she sits on a bench. It’s late enough that there isn’t anything to look at anymore other than the stars in the sky. They’re beautiful but not enough to keep Chaeyoung’s thoughts away and in no time, she has tears streaming down her cheeks again that she doesn’t bother to wipe away. They’ll be replaced soon enough.

She’s not stupid. She knows. Every time she knows. And yet… she let herself believe again that Mina might… Maybe she is stupid. Or maybe her brain is smart while her heart is stupid. Who knows? All she knows is that she’s crying on a bench at 2am on a Friday (now Saturday) night and that’s not something smart people do.

“Chaeyoungie?”

Her thoughts and tears are interrupted. She looks up to see Sana, in her pajamas, a bag from the campus convenience store in hand, staring at her in concern. Sana’s eyes widen as she notices the tears on Chaeyoung’s cheeks.

“What happened?” she asks, but Chaeyoung can tell from her tone that she already has a guess.

Chaeyoung doesn’t answer for a second. Doesn’t have the energy to explain that she let herself believe and it was all futile.

“I think…” she says eventually, “I think that I am stupid.”

Sana doesn’t say anything at first but then shakes her head.

“You aren’t, Chaeyoungie,” she replies gently. “You’re just in love.”

Chaeyoung nods and Sana takes a seat next to her, just close enough for their shoulders to brush.

“Why are you doing out alone this late?” Sana asks quietly.

“My pillows smell like her.”

She knows she doesn’t need to say any more. Sana pulls out a crumpled-up napkin from her pocket and uses it to wipe Chaeyoung’s tears.

“Don’t worry. It’s clean.”

Chaeyoung sniffles.

“She hasn’t been to my place in a while,” Sana says. “My pillows don’t smell like her.”

Under her words, Chaeyoung hears the invitation. She looks up at Sana in confusion. This girl doesn’t make any sense to her at all. Why is she offering this to Chaeyoung? They’re only a half-step above strangers. And the little they do know about each other should make them rivals of a sort, both in love with the same girl. If this were a movie, Sana would be quietly plotting her demise, doing her best to separate her from Mina. But it’s real life so Chaeyoung more expects Sana to just… ignore her. Certainly not this.

But as she looks at Sana, she sees the same expression Chaeyoung sees in the mirror and thinks that maybe Sana is also just looking for someone to share her pain with. She nods an answer to the implied invitation and Sana takes her hand.

It’s the first time in a while that Chaeyoung has woken up with someone other than Mina. For a second, she thinks it is Mina but it’s all wrong. Mina doesn’t hold Chaeyoung like this, arm wrapped around her waist, nose buried in her hair. She prefers to have Chaeyoung curled up against her chest or wrapped around her back. Mina also doesn’t smell like grapefruit and normally when they wake up together, they are wearing fewer clothes.

As sleep leaves her mind, Chaeyoung slowly remembers the night before and comes to terms with the fact that it’s Sana she’s waking up with. It’s weird. It’s so weird. What’s weirder than anything, though, is how Chaeyoung doesn’t mind. She feels the rise and fall of Sana’s chest against her back and takes comfort in the moment.

“You aren’t stupid,” Sana mumbles into her neck, maybe sensing from Chaeyoung’s breathing that she’s woken. “I don’t think you’re stupid at all.”

Mina is a wonder, really. An angel. Sent from heaven. Gorgeous, perfect. Her mouth is… heavenly. The way her dark hair falls across her shoulders is… It’s like it wipes every thought of self-preservation from Chaeyoung’s mind. She pulls Mina closer, desperately, as if she could convince Mina to love her with just the force of her kisses. Mina hums happily into her mouth.

It occurs to Chaeyoung then, for the first time after months and months, that maybe Mina wants to be loved. Maybe she craves it just as much as Chaeyoung does. But unlike Chaeyoung maybe it doesn’t matter who it comes from. Because she always seems happiest when Chaeyoung is trying to love her the strongest. When Chaeyoung is desperate, when she kisses her like she needs her. When she holds her close and whispers how pretty Mina is, how much Chaeyoung wants her, how she’d do anything for her.

Chaeyoung gives Mina what she wants. Hates that Mina can’t give it to her in return.

There’s another party. This time Mina invites her. And despite Mina’s proclivities, if she invites Chaeyoung somewhere, she sticks by her side and doesn’t even glance at anyone else. It gives Chaeyoung a feeling of power when she sees the way other people look at Mina and the way Mina, at least for tonight, only has eyes for her.

They dance, bodies moving together in a way that makes Chaeyoung nearly forget her surroundings as she sucks at the junction of Mina’s jaw and neck. It’s only the loud music, bass thudding in her chest, that keeps her grounded enough to not rip off Mina’s shirt right then and there. Mina seems desperate for her too if the way her fingers are clutching at the shirt around Chaeyoung’s hips are any indication. Chaeyoung feels powerful, feels happy in this moment.

But then she looks up and is startled when she meets eyes Sana in the corner. The feeling of power vanishes on the spot. Instead, Chaeyoung starts to feel desperate in a different way. Sana is watching them, but clearly focusing on Chaeyoung with a slight frown. It doesn’t look like the chest-aching jealousy that Chaeyoung usually feels when she’s in Sana’s position, nor does it look like desperation. Instead, she looks sad, maybe disappointed. In her?

Chaeyoung feels stupid as Sana looks at her. She tears her eyes away and refocuses on Mina. When Mina licks up into Chaeyoung’s mouth, she forgets Sana even exists.

Chaeyoung can’t face Sana for some reason. When they see each other in a coffee shop by chance Chaeyoung feels something in her chest that feels a lot like shame. She walks away before the other girl can say anything.

Mina isn’t here tonight. Dahyun wouldn’t let Chaeyoung come to a party that Mina was attending. So, Chaeyoung knows for sure that she’s not there as her best friend drags her around, introducing her to people. It becomes pretty clear what she’s trying to do when Dahyun introduces her to a pretty girl named Momo with a whispered ‘she’s single’ and a waggle of her eyebrows.

Chaeyoung appreciates the thought. But she doesn’t want to get Momo’s hopes up. She seems like a nice girl, certainly pretty enough and she dances well when they all go on the dance floor together. But Chaeyoung doesn’t really feel anything else. It’s also pretty clear that Momo isn’t actually that interested either if the way her eyes trace over Dahyun’s face is any indication. Chaeyoung figures she’ll do them both a favor and slips away.

She chats with some guy at the drink station. He’s in charge of music for the night and she likes his taste. He tries to kiss her when she leans a little closer to hear him better and she has to jerk away to avoid it. His face falls and he apologizes, and Chaeyoung feels bad for accidentally leading him on. She excuses herself from the conversation a second later only to immediately run into a very drunk Sana.

“Chaeyoungie!” Sana says, her voice muddled and slurred and her balance clearly off. “Hiiiii.”

Chaeyoung chuckles despite herself. She’s been avoiding Sana’s probing eyes for weeks but right now they’re hazy and unfocused, and Chaeyoung finds that she can look at her normally. It’s nice. Sana has nice eyes.

“Are you a little drunk?” she asks, the question entirely rhetorical.

“Yessss,” Sana slurs. “Do you want to be drunk too?”

Chaeyoung shrugs and then nods. She does. It seems like Sana is having fun. Chaeyoung wants to have fun too. She takes the drink Sana offers her and finishes it, then lets Sana drag her over to the drinks to top her off.

“Let’s dance,” Sana says once Chaeyoung has had a few sips of her new drink and Sana has had a few sips of the water Chaeyoung had pressed into her hands.

“Okay.”

Chaeyoung barely remembers the night before, but she thinks she’s doing better than Sana who is groaning as she clutches her head. She doesn’t at all remember how she ended up in Sana’s room again, but she figures they must have helped each other get there because neither of them could have possibly been in a place to get themselves home alone.

“I feel like shit,” Sana groans.

“Me too,” Chaeyoung says. “This is your fault though. I wasn’t planning on getting that drunk.”

“Me neither,” Sana says. “It’s your fault I did.”

Chaeyoung rolls her eyes and that makes her head hurt even more and then it’s her turn to groan.

“Do you have painkillers anywhere?” she asks.

“Mmm, top drawer in the bathroom,” Sana replies, but doesn’t make any other move to help.

Chaeyoung gets up from the bed slowly, trying to ignore the way her stomach lurches as she stands and stumbles to the bathroom. She pees first, because her bladder is screaming at her, and then digs two Tylenol out of the bottle she finds, rinsing them down with water from the tap.

“This sucks,” she mumbles as she falls back into bed next to Sana.

Sana doesn’t reply and Chaeyoung realizes that Sana has fallen back asleep. That sounds like a wonderful idea and Chaeyoung lets herself fall back asleep too.

They go to a nearby diner for breakfast at around 2pm. It’s so normal and fun that Chaeyoung forgets that she’s supposed to hate Sana.

Mina treats Chaeyoung to a very nice dinner on her birthday. They both dress up and after dinner they go for a walk hand in hand, just talking quietly into the night. It feels like a date. Well, it is a date, but it feels like more than that. The whole night feels very girlfriendy, very meaningful. Chaeyoung hates how happy it makes her. It has no right to make her this happy because she knows. Still, she lets herself believe a little as Mina presses a gentle kiss to her lips in the middle of the street and whispers her a happy birthday that maybe… just maybe.

They end up falling into bed later that night but it’s different than usual because Mina pampers her.

“Let me take care of you,” she whispers against Chaeyoung’s lips. “Happy birthday, baby.”

Chaeyoung feels like crying with how gentle she is, how loving it feels. She feels like crying even more when she wakes up to an empty bed the next morning. Her heart really is a traitor.

Chaeyoung is having a feeling of deja-vu because she’s at a party again watching Tzuyu press kisses to Mina’s neck. It feels the same as it did months ago. Chaeyoung should really stop going places that Dahyun hasn’t vetted for her. Her friend group and Mina’s overlap far too much for Chaeyoung to trust that she won’t run into something unpleasant.

And maybe she should have also seen the way Sana would come up to her with a blunt in hand and a cheeky smile as she asks, “So, what’s your story?”

It’s not really a question, so much as an inside joke this time and Chaeyoung doesn’t hesitate to take the smoke from her and take a couple drags before handing it back. They don’t really talk, just keeping each other quiet company. It’s comforting somehow, despite the circumstances. Eventually, once they’ve smoked as far as they can without burning their fingertips, Sana turns to Chaeyoung with a curious expression.

“She…” she says and then seems to reconsider and starts again. “You don’t need her attention to be amazing.”

Chaeyoung frowns. It’s the first time Sana has said something about Mina that Chaeyoung hasn’t fully understood.

“What do you mean?” she asks.

“Just… you’re amazing as is. You’re smart and pretty and you… you deserve better than how she treats you. You deserve someone who would treat you right.”

Chaeyoung tilts her head.

“Are you talking about me or you?” she asks, a wave of deja-vu crashing over her again.

“I’m talking about both of us,” Sana replies.

Chaeyoung nods and then leans her head against Sana’s shoulder.

“You aren’t stupid,” she says.

“I know,” Sana replies. “I’m just lonely.”

Chaeyoung looks up at her and again sees an achingly familiar expression in Sana’s eyes. It’s like looking in a mirror.

“I think I’m lonely too.”

Sana nods and then leans forward until their lips are just an inch apart.

“Do you want to be lonely together?” she murmurs.

Chaeyoung kisses her.

When Mina comes over later that week, the hickeys that Sana left on her collarbones are fading but still there. She doesn’t avoid them the way Chaeyoung would and instead seems to take it upon herself to overwrite them, running her tongue and mouth over the same spots until they’re dark and raw and any hint of Chaeyoung’s night with Sana is gone. It feels possessive and Chaeyoung doesn’t get it because why can Mina be like this when Chaeyoung can’t. It’s unfair.

But that doesn’t stop Chaeyoung from holding Mina in place by her hair as she does her work. It feels too good and maybe Chaeyoung wants to be possessed by Mina, maybe she’ll take any hint she can get that Mina wants her as much as she does. So, she lets Mina have her way with her. Later as they talk, Mina kisses Chaeyoung gently, kindly, wonderfully, lovingly.

“You know, you’re so important to me,” Mina whispers against her lips.

It isn’t the first time she’s said something like this. Chaeyoung lets it get to her every time. Lets herself believe that this time…. this time Mina means it.

“You too,” she whispers back and the words truer are than she wants them to be.

On nights where Mina doesn’t answer Chaeyoung’s texts, clearly too busy with something (someone) else, Chaeyoung goes to Sana’s. Sometimes they fuck. Sometimes they just sleep. It’s nice. It’s comforting. Sana doesn’t ask questions, doesn’t judge, just holds her, and tells her that she’s smart and beautiful and that all of her idiotic decisions revolving around Mina don’t change that. Chaeyoung always feels like Sana’s talking to herself as well.

“You know,” Sana says one night as they lie next to each other staring at the ceiling. “I used to be so jealous of you.”

The confession is a surprise to Chaeyoung. She had never thought Sana really viewed her as a threat.

“You’re so pretty,” she says. “And you’re special. You’re different. You have… thoughts, opinions, goals. You know who you are, even when you’re feeling lost about what to do. And she always seemed so taken with you, always so happy when she was with you, hanging on to every word you’d say as if it was the most important thing in the world. I felt… inadequate next to you.”

“I was jealous of you too,” Chaeyoung whispers in response. “You’re beautiful. Really. And you always seemed so confident when I wasn’t. You’re bright and you light up a room. And you didn’t seem… tied up, I guess, in the same way I was. I… wanted to be like you.”

Silence falls between them. There’s a sort of tension in the air and Chaeyoung somehow feels like she’s admitted something heavy, and the weight is now off her chest. She didn’t know she was holding it in the first place. Sana rolls over to her and presses her lips to Chaeyoung’s cheek.

“You shouldn’t be like me,” she says into Chaeyoung’s ear. “You should be you. You’re wonderful as is.”

There’s a knock on the door.

“Chaengie, that’s probably the delivery, can you go check? My hands are full.”

Reluctantly Chaeyoung gets up from her very comfortable spot on the couch and goes to open the door. Sana is probably finishing up folding her laundry after Chaeyoung had complained that there would be no space in the bed for her if she had to compete with Sana’s clothes. She wasn’t the neatest person herself, but it seemed a little ridiculous that Sana would expect to sleep with all of her sweatshirts.

Chaeyoung grabs her wallet to pay, and swings open the door.

It’s not delivery. It’s Mina, looking wonderful, gorgeous, fuck-able. She startles a little when she sees Chaeyoung. Chaeyoung startles even more, dropping her wallet in her surprise. A sick, sick feeling rises inside her gut as she bends to pick it up.

“Hi,” Mina says brightly. “I didn’t know you knew Sana.”

Chaeyoung doesn’t know how to answer. The truth is that Mina knows more about Chaeyoung than almost anyone. Chaeyoung tells her everything in the hopes that if she opens up enough Mina will open in turn. But she hasn’t told Mina about Sana. Why should she? It’s not like Mina ever told Chaeyoung about Sana either. She didn’t have to, of course. Chaeyoung knew. Chaeyoung always knew that Mina and Sana had a thing. She knew that Mina would show up to Sana’s place some nights unannounced just like she did with Chaeyoung, knew that Sana would welcome Mina in and press kisses to the same places Chaeyoung did. She knew all of that and yet… standing here Chaeyoung feels like she’s been slapped in the face.

“Ah,” she says. “We’re friends.”

Mina smiles.

“Can I come in?”

Chaeyoung looks at Mina and feels something in her chest break.

“Yeah,” she says. “I was just leaving anyway.”

She’s glad that she’s already holding her wallet, phone in her pocket, and shoes by the door. It makes it easy to slip out, giving Mina a half-hearted, awkward wave as she goes.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket as she exits the building.

-You didn’t have to leave

Chaeyoung scoffs as she reads the message.

-It’s okay. Have fun!

The heartbreak this time sticks for some reason. The mental gymnastics that Chaeyoung normally does to get herself to move past it, aren’t working. Instead, she feels broken and lost. She doesn’t get why. She knew. She always, always knew. And yet, it feels different this time. Chaeyoung doesn’t leave the house for a week. When she gets a text from Mina asking to come over, she ignores it and when she hears a knock on the door, she pretends not to be home. Dahyun comes over and pats her head and tells her it’s going to be okay and for once doesn’t say ‘I told you so’ though she would have the right to. Chaeyoung appreciates that.

Chaeyoung gets a text from Sana.

-Hey, are you okay?

-Yeah, of course.

-I’m sorry about that night.

-No worries!! It’s all good. I get it. Believe me.

Each text she sends she reads ten times to make sure that it’s smooth enough, casual enough. She doesn’t want Sana to think that she hurt her feelings. It wasn’t her fault that Mina showed up unannounced. Wasn’t her fault that Chaeyoung decided to leave, didn’t want to see the aftermath of staying. Didn’t want to have to watch Mina pick Sana over her.

-You should have stayed. I didn’t want you to leave

-Lmao should I have joined in instead?

-Chaeng, no. I would have told her to leave

-It’s fine, really. I’m glad you had a good night

-It would have been better with you

Chaeyoung doesn’t know what to make of that message, so she leaves it on read. Doesn’t know what to make of her racing heart either but that’s harder to ignore. At least without help. So, she smokes until her head empties out completely and then she sleeps. She sleeps through her classes the next day and only wakes up when she hears a knocking on her door. It’s only because she’s still half asleep that she doesn’t think before answering.

It’s Mina. She should have known. No one else shows up at her door unannounced.

“Hey, Chaeyoung,” she says, pushing into the apartment, arms immediately wrapping around Chaeyoung’s neck. “I missed you.”

She kisses Chaeyoung and for a second it feels blissful. But only for a second. Chaeyoung, as she kisses back, has a single devastating thought. It’s not going away. The mind-numbing power of Mina’s kisses, the feeling that that makes Chaeyoung forget everything else seems to be failing. Chaeyoung kisses her harder, in hopes that she won’t feel her heart breaking anymore. She doesn’t want it, wants to drown herself in Mina instead. It’s not working.

She claws desperately at Mina’s shirt tugging it up and over her head but all she can picture is Sana doing the same, Sana getting touched by Mina’s hands the way Chaeyoung is, digging into her hair and tugging her closer. She pictures Sana moaning into Mina’s mouth the way Chaeyoung does when Mina digs her nails into her scalp, and she pictures the way Sana would grind her hips forward. She rips herself away from Mina, panting hard.

“Chaeyoung?” Mina asks, voice vulnerable, hands reaching out to her. “What’s wrong? Did I hurt you?”

It's Sana, Chaeyoung realizes. The reason her heartbreak feels more poignant, different from all the times before. The reason Chaeyoung is hurting, for the first time ever, isn’t Mina. That night, it wasn’t the idea of Mina choosing someone else that Chaeyoung had run from. No, it was the far more terrifying feeling of Sana choosing Mina over her. She feels crazy for even thinking of it.

“Baby,” Mina says, clearly picking up on Chaeyoung’s distress and pulling her into a hug. “Baby, what’s wrong?”

Chaeyoung’s realization makes her world shift on its axis. She’s wildly overwhelmed. She wishes that she could have come to this conclusion at any other time. She extricates herself from Mina’s grip and takes a step back.

“I… I need you to leave,” she says before she can think about it.

Mina blinks at her owlishly for a second and then her expression crumples.

“Did I… did I do something wrong?” she asks, voice scared and small.

“I just…” Chaeyoung says. “I can’t do this anymore.”

Mina looks so lost and confused. As if she doesn’t have any possible clue as to what would have led them to this moment. What a joke.

“Chaeyoung,” she whispers, voice cracking on a sob. “What… what did I do wrong?”

“You didn’t…” she’s about to reassure Mina that there isn’t anything she did wrong but that wouldn’t be true, would it? Stringing her along for months and months, using her to fulfill her own desires while never committing anything in return. Taking all the love Chaeyoung was able to give and only giving part of herself back. It was never right, nor was it fair.

But Chaeyoung has to admit, she never said any of this to her before, never asked for more. She was always too afraid that Mina would turn away from her completely if she ever expressed her frustrations or her desire for commitment. The idea of losing Mina had been more terrifying than any pain inflicted on her. She finds that in this moment she’s not that afraid anymore.

“I’m in love with you,” Chaeyoung says. “I think you know but never… you were never going to love me like that. And I can’t take it anymore, being just one of your playthings. We’re people Mina. You do know that, right?”

“Of course,” Mina says quickly, hands up in front of her placatingly. “I know that. I never meant to make you feel otherwise. I do love you, Chaeyoung. You’re so, so important to me. I can’t…I do love you. I’m sorry it’s not enough. I’m sorry I can’t be-“

“It doesn’t matter anymore,” Chaeyoung says. “I… I don’t want to do this anymore. I want someone who will give me as much as I give them. I want someone I can give my whole heart to.”

Mina sobs into her hands. A part of Chaeyoung, the dark, angry part wants to scoff at this. She wants to laugh in Mina’s face and tell her that she’s being ridiculous. That she should stop crying and go run off into Tzuyu’s arms. Or Lisa’s or whoever else she’s been fucking around with recently. But Chaeyoung has never been cruel and while she knows Mina could never love her, she wasn’t blind to the fact that Mina did care, in her own way. Now that it’s ending Chaeyoung kind of wishes she and Mina could have just been friends, without the sex, without the feelings. Just two people sharing their lives in a benign way. It would have been nice.

But it’s too late to be thinking like that.

“I’m sorry,” Mina mumbles over and over under her breath.

Chaeyoung walks over and picks up Mina’s shirt from the ground, handing it to her.

“I’m sorry too,” Chaeyoung says. “I hope you get home safe.”

Dahyun all but throws a party when Chaeyoung tells her that she finally broke things off with Mina. She does buy Chaeyoung dinner and a bottle of wine. They drink it together. Dahyun smiles wide and happy.

“I’m so proud of you, ChaengChaeng!” she says. “You finally woman-ed up and told her to fuck off. My baby’s all grown up.”

Chaeyoung rolls her eyes good-naturedly. If she’s being honest, she is a little proud of herself as well. In the days right after she had almost taken it back when the loneliness had hit, the fear and regret overwhelming. Her fingers had itched to text Mina, to tell her to come back, to drown herself in this wonderful girl who had become an addiction. But she managed not to. Any time she felt the itch crawling in, she would imagine that Mina might be at Sana’s place when she texted her. Imagine the way she’d check her phone, see Chaeyoung’s name, and toss it back to the side to kiss Sana instead. She would imagine the way Sana would let her.

It’s easier than she thought it would be to just cut all ties. It helps that Mina at least seemed to understand that they are properly over and made no attempt to contact her. When they crossed paths on campus once, Mina just ducked her head and looked away. It looked a lot like shame and Chaeyoung couldn’t help but feels a small streak of vindication.

Cutting contact with Sana is harder. It sucks actually. But Chaeyoung needs the distance. She’s had enough of giving her heart to girls who can’t give theirs back.

Sana texts her asking if she wants to come over and Chaeyoung turns her phone off for a whole twenty-four hours. When she turns it back on there are three more notifications from her, but Chaeyoung clears the red dot without even reading them.

The date with Momo is nice considering the circumstances. Chaeyoung is a bit of a dick at the beginning, but it’s only because she wants to be overly honest with this girl. She really doesn’t want to break anyone’s heart.

“I’m not really looking to date,” she says. “I only came because Dahyun forced me.”

It comes out harsher than she meant it, but Momo simply smiles in response. She really does seem sweet.

“Then it’s probably okay if I tell you that there’s someone I’m interested in already and it’s not you,” she says.

Chaeyoung smiles. This is something she can deal with. 

“Then why did you come out with me?” she asks, curiously.

“I guess, I just wanted to prove to myself that I wasn’t completely tied up,” Momo replies.

“Hmmm, that’s admirable,” Chaeyoung replies. “But going on a blind date because the person you like asked you to, isn’t a very good indication of not being ‘tied up’.”

“I know,” Momo says. “But… baby steps.”

The issue with two people who feel like they have something to prove going on a date is that with the right egging on, they will end up sleeping together, Chaeyoung thinks, as she traces the lines of Momo’s bare shoulders with her eyes. Somehow after three drinks and both of them very firmly saying that they were absolutely not tied up in other people, they’d ended up stumbling back to Momo’s apartment together to prove how not tied up they were. Not Chaeyoung’s brightest decision.

But not her worst either. Because this was truly a no-strings-attached night and Momo was wonderful, sexy, fun. It's nice thinking that the last person Chaeyoung had slept with isn’t Sana or Mina anymore. It feels cleansing in a way.

Still, Chaeyoung leaves before Momo wakes up.

“It’s a bummer it didn’t work out with Momo,” Dahyun says.

“She had eyes for someone else.”

“Oh, really? I didn’t know that. Who?”

Chaeyoung just shrugs. Dahyun can figure it out herself.

Chaeyoung’s evenings are quieter now. She no longer spends them hoping for a text or waiting for a knock on her door. At first, it’s just nice, freeing, relaxing. She gets back into her art, new canvases filling her apartment bit by bit and she goes back to trying to learn the guitar. But eventually she gets bored. And when she gets bored, she wanders.

The nights are cold these days, but Chaeyoung knows to come prepared, hand warmers in her pockets and enough layers that she looks like the Michelin man. She puts on music, just soothing lo-fi stuff, something quiet and dark that fits the vibe of the night and she walks. She never really has a plan. There’s always a loose destination, something to look at for a few minutes before she picks a new one but never a concrete end. She goes home when she feels like it.

She used to go on walks like these her freshman year, back when she didn’t know the city as well and had an itch to just explore. Now the walks are more made of memories. It’s fun in a different way.

Her phone buzzes in her pocket but she ignores it. She doesn’t want disruptions on nights like these and now that she isn’t waiting for someone, she isn’t in a rush to answer. The cool air whips around her cheeks and she burrows a little lower into her scarf.

Her phone buzzes again with another text message. She debates putting it on silent but that would involve taking her hands out of her pockets and it really is far too cold for that tonight. She buries her hands deeper into her pockets and powers on. There’s a little cafe that’s always open late about a half hour walk from where she is right now. That’s her goal for the night. Maybe not her end goal because who knows where she’ll decide to go after but for now that’s where she’s headed.

It’s a cute place where the lights are always an ambient orange, and the drinks are warm, and the cashier that works in the evenings always gives her a discount and hands over her drink with a wink. Chaeyoung always smiles back at her warmly. She looks forward to seeing her tonight.

Her phone buzzes again. But this time it doesn’t stop. A phone call. Phone calls are rare for Chaeyoung. There’s a fifty percent chance it’s a spam call, but if it’s not it’s probably Dahyun who will scold her at length for not answering. With a tired sigh, Chaeyoung reluctantly drags her hands out of her pockets and digs her phone out.

It’s not Dahyun, or a spam caller, but Sana instead.

Chaeyoung considers not answering. She’s done well up until now, giving herself space from Sana. So well that she hasn’t seen her since the night they got interrupted by Mina. She misses her. Misses the companionship, misses spending time with someone who seemed to understand her instinctively. But she’s decided that her heart comes first nowadays. She deserves better. It was Sana who told her that.

Still, it’s out of character for Sana to call her. She stares at the phone until the call drops and when it does, she sees the notifications from the texts she missed before, both from Sana as well.

-Can we talk? Please? I miss you.

-I just want to know that you’re okay. Please call me

Chaeyoung is barely finished reading the two messages when her phone rings again. Sana must be desperate. Chaeyoung figures that’s fair. They don’t have friends in common really that Sana could ask about Chaeyoung’s well-being. Except Mina. But Chaeyoung thinks that Sana would probably rather die than ask her.

She knows she’s being a little unfair to Sana, that the other girl doesn’t have the whole story. From her perspective Chaeyoung just dropped off the face of the planet one day and left Sana alone. They’d become near permanent fixtures in each other’s lives at that point. She must be confused, probably a little hurt as well. She doesn’t want to upset Sana. The opposite really. She wants to make Sana happy, wants to be the person that Sana is happiest with but she stops herself from considering that possibility too closely. One mistake like Mina is enough for a lifetime, Chaeyoung thinks. Still, she answers the call.

“Hello?”

“Chaeyoung,” Sana says, and the word is a sigh. “I’m sorry for calling so late, I just… I was worried. I hadn’t heard from you and-“

“I’m fine,” Chaeyoung says. “I’ve just been… busy.”

Sana pauses and then chuckles lowly, and Chaeyoung knows she doesn’t believe it.

“Busy? Or did you just not want to see me?”

Always so direct. Chaeyoung bites her lower lip. She doesn’t want to hurt Sana.

“It’s not that,” she says. “I promise. I did want to see you I just… I’ve been trying to put myself first these days.”

Sana is silent for a few seconds.

“And putting yourself first means avoiding me?”

She sounds hurt. Damn it.

Chaeyoung considers her options. Lying is a good one. Always a solid choice when it comes to protecting herself. But it’s risky, the consequences disastrous if she gets caught. Redirecting the conversation would work with other people maybe, but Sana is too sharp, too smart. She wouldn’t let the topic change that easily. The truth… well, the truth is terrifying. It’s so, so, so scary. And yet… hiding the truth had led to Chaeyoung’s problems with Mina or at least contributed to them. No more mistakes.

“Putting myself first means not giving my heart to unavailable women,” Chaeyoung says.

Chaeyoung doesn’t breathe for the entire time it takes for Sana to process this. She feels lightheaded by the time Sana finally speaks.

“Where are you right now?”

“Out,” Chaeyoung replies. “On a walk.”

“How far are you from my place?”

Chaeyoung looks at her surroundings.

“About fifteen minutes or so.”

“Come over,” Sana says. “Please.”

“Sana, I don’t-“

“I’m not unavailable,” Sana says. “Not for you. Please come over.”

Chaeyoung considers Sana’s words very carefully. There’s a promise in them. Something far, far more solid than anything she ever got from Mina. Still. Chaeyoung needs to make sure.

“What about Mina?”

“I haven’t seen her since the night you left.”

Sana is quick with the reply, as if she knew Chaeyoung would ask.

Chaeyoung considers her options. She’s not stupid. She’s trying not to be at least. Is this a stupid decision? Maybe… Maybe she doesn’t care.

“Okay. I’m on my way.”

“I kicked her out that night,” Sana says once they’re sat on her bed, cross-legged facing each other. “I wanted to chase after you, but you seemed so… unbothered… I thought I was the only one who fell.”

“Fell?” Chaeyoung asks, watching Sana carefully, trying to make sure she’s understanding correctly.

“In love,” Sana says, her cheeks flushing a deep pink. “With you,” she adds helpfully.

Chaeyoung’s cheeks flush in response.

“You weren’t,” she says. “You weren’t the only one.”

Sana smiles, wide and a little teary and pulls Chaeyoung into a bone-crushing hug.

“You told me once,” Chaeyoung says, voice muffled by how tight Sana is holding her. “That I deserve someone who will treat me right, love me right.”

“You do,” Sana says, loosening her grip just enough to look at Chaeyoung reverently. “And I will.”

“You deserve it too,” Chaeyoung replies, pressing her lips to Sana’s. “And I will too.”