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“You ever fuck anyone before?” Amagai asks casually.
Suzaki slides his gaze to Amagai. “When would I have had the chance?”
“You ruled a fucking high school, Suzaki.” Amagai’s voice drips with disdain, the fake disdain that Suzaki knows is just fear.
“No,” says Suzaki, looking up at the sky and at the clouds gathered over the sun. Dusk’s approach colors them pink. “No, I haven’t.”
“I have.”
He’s not surprised. Still, Suzaki feels a slight tightness in his chest.
“It wasn’t a good experience,” Amagai says carefully.
At that, Suzaki’s head snaps to the side. Amagai isn’t looking at him, but his fingers stay interlaced with Suzaki’s.
“We don’t need to do anything,” Suzaki says.
At that, Amagai lets out a snort. “Yes,” he says. “We do. Virgin.” And then he rolls himself over so that he’s straddling Suzaki, and before Suzaki can react, Amagai’s hand is gripping his cock through his pants. Suzaki gasps at the sudden contact, and within a mere matter of seconds he’s half hard.
Amagai smirks, peering down at him. Suzaki swallows and smiles up at him even as his heart pounds. His hand reaches for Amagai.
That’s the first time, and there are other times, too. Amagai can give a blow job that sends stars scattering about Suzaki’s skull, and Suzaki, for his part, well—at least Amagai doesn’t complain. And he definitely could, and normally would because he’s Amagai, but he doesn’t, and that’s almost enough to make Suzaki hard without any touch.
Suzaki doesn’t press Amagai. He never does, not really. Amagai wonders if some day Suzaki will just ask him to fuck, fully, but he doesn’t, and eventually Amagai gets tired of waiting because the more he waits, the more Amagai wonders if he’s waiting to fuck or if he’s waiting for Suzaki to ditch him. He knows Suzaki won’t, but there’s a part of him that can’t quite dismiss the idea.
The one time Suzaki brings it up, he asks Amagai about the other guy he fucked. Except, he asks Amagai if he thought that guy was in pain, and that was not the way of it at all, and Amagai wants to shake Suzaki just as badly as he wants to crawl away and hide back in his limo alone.
Of course he’d be worried about Amagai hurting him,
He can feel his resolve slipping away, and so on Suzaki’s birthday, Amagai finally says fuck it and invites Suzaki into his bedroom, where they make out as normal, shirts and pants shed.
“I thought we could do something different to celebrate,” Amagai says.
Suzaki smiles. No doubt he expects Amagai to go to his knees again, after which Suzaki will doubtless do the same, or reach for his cock. But Amagai reaches for him first, for his hand, and presses the condom and its crinkly wrapper into his palm.
Suzaki draws back, staring at it in surprise.
“Don’t tell me you don’t know what it is,” Amagai says.
Suzaki casts him a withering look, the kind that sends a shiver down Amagai’s spine because he knows, despite all his fear, that Suzaki doesn’t actually want him to wither and disappear, and he knows Amagai is too strong to fade at a simple thing as a look. It tells him that Suzaki trusts him, and it reminds him.
Ryo and I, together.
They’re both already tented in their boxers, flushed and sweaty.
Suzaki swallows. “Amagai… I haven’t—prepared, or—” He stumbles over his words a little.
“I have,” Amagai said, tossing his hair.
Suzaki frowns.
God, is he this thick? Somehow Amagai knows that he isn’t, isn’t even close to it, and knows very well what Amagai is offering but is too afraid to actually take that step on the miniscule chance that he was wrong, that Amagai was only offering out of—what, misplaced loyalty or something, a birthday gift, a sense of owing him.
He’s not. At all. Still, Amagai can’t quite get the words out. I want you to fuck me. I want it.
Amagai's fingers close around Suzaki's wrist, pulling his hand back and towards where he can't possibly mistake Amagai's intention.
Suzaki's intake of breath registers in Amagai’s ears before his eyes flicker to Suzaki’s.
Suzaki sees the challenge in his eyes, the unrelenting question, blazing like fire. Too quickly he sees the gaps between flames, though: the doubts, the anxieties Amagai is so determined nobody ever see, the question:
Would you really want me?
Amagai's chest rises and falls with too much speed. fear, really, though he'd never admit as such. In fact, if Suzaki asked him he'd probably say it was arousal.
Do you really want me?
Suzaki's fingers hover over Amagai's plump lips, almost but not quite touching. Amagai huffs and then steps back. his posture starts to straighten, which paradoxically gives the impression of him folding in on himself, armor sliding back into place, rejection as he'd always expected it.
until Suzaki kisses him. furiously, like he's a man parched for water and Amagai is his oasis, which he can't be because he is too dry and brittle for that. Yet Amagai can almost make himself believe, when Suzaki's lips crash over his, that he's able to breathe underwater, to float along in a tempest as calmly as he could relax at home.
"Okay, Ko-chan," Suzaki says, the condom still clutched in his hand.
Amagai smiles, just briefly. He pulls back and steps towards the bed. He lowers himself down and holds out a hand.
Real life, Suzaki reminds himself, giddy. The room feels like a blur around him as he moves towards the boy he’s loved since they were kids. He drops the condom on the covers.
I want to get strong, so I can protect you .
He cups Amagai’s chin between his hands and pulls him in, kissing him. They sit there making out until their chests are slick with sweat and rising and falling in cyclic waves. Suzaki’s hair is already stuck to his cheekbone when Amagai shrugs out of his boxers and tosses them to the side. He’s hard already. Suzaki is—well, he would have liked to undress Amagai himself, but he doesn’t complain as Amagai reaches out and helps him out of his own.
Amagai turns over, bracing himself. Suzaki’s hand lands on his shoulder, hesitant and then firm. He turns Amagai back around, a question in his face that says he won’t fight, not really, if this would make it more comfortable for Amagai. But—
“I want to see you.”
Amagai swallows hard. Somehow being watched, having someone see his face—no, not just someone, Suzaki Ryo—feels more embarrassing, more raw, than actually having him inside him. He can trust with his body if he closes his eyes and vanishes to another realm, turns the lights off and clamps his hands over his ears to pretend he can’t hear the fighting in the next room.
He could never hide from Suzaki. Even if he turns around, insists on doing it from the back, Suzaki will know why, will understand. He already does.
Amagai just nods. He lies back then, shifting so that he’s directly under Suzaki and looking up at him with wide eyes, a childlike look that he hasn’t worn in years.
He fumbled to tear open the condom packet. It slips from his fingers. He catches it.
“Here,” Amagai says, not making fun of him. He reaches out and tears the condom wrapper, rolling the condom onto Suzaki without even the slightest derisive snort. He grabs a container of lube from under the mattress and presses it into Suzaki’s hand.
Suzaki opens the cap with a snapping sound. He squeezes a generous amount of lube onto his hand and moves to settle between Amagai’s legs. His clean hand rests on Amagai’s knee.
Amagai lifts his knees, pulling his legs back for Suzaki to see.
Suzaki laces their fingers together. And even though Amagai did prepare himself, he can’t hold back the little grunt as his body instinctively tenses up at the intrusion.
Suzaki pauses above him, veins popping in his throat as he restrains himself. He looks down, concerned.
Of course he is. Amagai exhales, allows himself to relax more, to open up. But Suzaki still doesn’t move anymore, and Amagai has half a mind to throttle him. Or ask to be throttled just to see Suzaki startle. But he can’t, because—
I want to see you, too.
“Are you gonna fuck me or not?” he manages.
Suzaki gulps. Amagai takes pity on him and rolls his hips slightly, moving Suzaki deeper. It’s his first time, Amagai knows, and he’s never been so vulnerable with anyone, ever, either.
Giving himself to Amagai is not the wisest decision, but Suzaki has always given Amagai everything. Respect. Love. His heart. His soul. His body.
Amagai pushes himself up to kiss Suzaki’s mouth again, sloppy and only getting the edges, but it’s enough. Suzaki pushes deeper, and this time when Amagai lets out a choked gasp, he only hesitates for just long enough for Amagai to tighten his grip on Suzaki’s fingers, and then he thrusts in deeper.
Fuck. Amagai peers up at him, and he’s—
I want to see you come undone. Just—Suzaki without all that self-restraint, without his own armor that he cloaks himself in, the ropes he ties around himself to tether him to Amagai and loyalty and decency and all the things Amagai doesn’t understand—he wants to see it. Fighting doesn’t count.
Suzaki braces himself on one elbow, one of Amagai’s legs hooked around his shoulder and the other out to the side. He’s gasping now too, and his nipples are already hard when Suzaki leans down to suck one of them. This is—
He doesn’t want to talk, because Amagai would probably not want to hear it. But he cannot contain it. “Amagai—Ko-chan—”
He peers up at him, eyes addled with desire and brows and cheeks dripping with sweat. But he’s paying attention, and that’s all Suzaki needs.
“You’re so—good.”
Amagai almost chokes on what sounds like a laugh, or a sob. Suzaki dives down to take another kiss from him. Their teeth clack against one another’s, and Amagai bites down, keeping them attached at the mouth. There’s a slight sting and the flavor of salt: blood. Suzaki jerks and then rams in harder, not to hurt, just to—
Amagai’s features crunch together. Suzaki shifts so one hand braces him and the other slides down Amagai’s chest, feeling the smoothness of his abs, somewhat softer than Suzaki’s own, skin silken and slippery with sweat against Suzaki’s palms. He stops when he reaches a hardened nipple and pinches.
Amagai tightens around him in response. Suzaki drops his head to Amagai’s neck, kissing along the straining muscle. He rests, as much as he can while still thrusting, until he feels Amagai’s pulse against his cheek and turns, kissing there.
Amagai’s shifted now, too. One fist digs through Suzaki’s hair, clenching around the strands and pulling, but not hard enough to hurt. The other hovers as if he’s uncertain where to place it, but eventually locks in a grip on Suzaki’s hip. Gasps and cries spill from his lips. He keeps squeezing his eyes shut, but when Suzaki speaks, he opens them.
“You’re—amazing. You feel so good—God, Amagai—”
With each word Suzaki notices how Amagai’s own cock hardens, dripping precum against Amagai’s stomach. Suzaki drops his hand down to grasp him. Amagai curses, and he tightens even more around Suzaki’s cock.
“Is that good?” Suzaki whispers into Amagai’s ear. Amagai is panting wordlessly. He shifts slightly, and Amagai positively moans, a rasping sound not unlike someone just learning how to cry. Suzaki tightens his grip on the soaked cock, but Amagai’s hand flies over and grips his wrist, halting him.
Suzaki glances into his gaze again, his own hair falling over his face and creating dark, blurred lines over Amagai’s face. Amagai shifts and jerks again when Suzaki realizes that he’s found Amagai’s prostate, and focuses on drawing long moans and whimpers from Amagai. That Amagai trusts him enough to let Suzaki hear those sounds—those garbled, half-attempts to say his name, the sounds he can’t break off—it’s almost too much for Suzaki, and he gasps himself.
Amagai grabs his wrist again and moves Suzaki’s hand back to his cock. Suzaki shifts from his elbow to his hand, and with the new angle gets a better look at Amagai underneath him. Cheeks flushed, pale hair with dark roots splayed on the pillow, lips wide open, sweat beading in the hollow of his throat, nipples erect, thistle of hair around his straining cock—
Fuck, Suzaki thinks.
“Kohei,” he says. “You’re beautiful.”
At that, Amagai sputters, but that’s almost instantly drowned out by him coming. His cries come hoarse, but his eyes stay open even if not focused as he trembles all over, viscous liquid landing on Suzaki’s stomach, and then he’s coming too, breaking apart completely in Amagai’s arms, shaking, his arms unable to hold himself up. He’s gasping, and his cheeks are wet. He thinks he sees stars, a night sky.
“I love you,” he says, unable to keep it in. “Fuck, Ko-chan, I love you.”
When he collapses to Amagai’s side, he’s half certain that despite them both coming, despite the liquid splattered on his belly, that Amagai is about to push him away, chastise him for saying such a thing despite the fact that Suzaki says it each and every day with every word and deed. He’s afraid to pull out, even, though when he goes to is precisely when Amagai decides to speak.
“Thank you.”
That is somehow the most Amagai Kohei response to a declaration of love that Suzaki could imagine. He almost laughs.
He pulls out, and then Amagai turns over to face him. But there’s no hate on his face, no costernation or disgust, just lips curved in a quasi-smile while his eyes are still fogged.
He leans in, planting a kiss against Suzaki’s collarbone. His head slowly lifts again, eyes traveling up Suzaki’s neck and to his own gaze. And he hopes Suzaki sees what he meant, what he wanted, why he asked.
But just in case he doesn’t… Amagai presses his face into Suzaki’s chest, keeping his voice muffled, adopting a posture of hiding because that posture isn’t hiding at all. He speaks the words against skin sticky with sweat. “I love you.”
Suzaki gasps. He really hadn’t expected to hear that, had he?
Amagai lifts his face, scowling. “Don’t you dare cry. Again.”
Of course, he knows it’s futile. Suzaki’s eyes are already welling up.
Whatever. Amagai settles his head back on Suzaki’s chest. “Happy Birthday.” I’m glad you were born.
And when Suzaki’s hand lands atop Amagai’s damp hair, Amagai feels, again, the reminder he’s been craving and knows that he only has to ask for: that Suzaki is glad he was born, too.
He’s not crying. He’s not.
Suzaki doesn’t say anything, but he does wipe at Amagai’s face with his fingers, and Amagai doesn’t flinch. It is what it is.
But as he drifts off to sleep, he thinks to himself that at least, tonight, even without the spoken declarations, he knew for certain that Suzaki loved him, and that Suzaki knew Amagai loved him, and when dawn came to chase away dreams and shadows both, that would still be true.