Chapter Text
Ned stared down at his phone where the text blinked insistently back at him, Kate Nash’s Dickhead floating out from the speakers. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to deal with the Prince of Wales this early on a Monday, but he opened the text anyway.
Come to my flat. Urgent.
The last time Hal had urgent business to deal with it had been because he’d had run out of beer and had needed somebody to get him through the crisis. He rolled his eyes and sent off a quick reply.
Be there in 20. Please be wearing clothes.
Twenty-five minutes later, Ned was standing in the middle of Hal’s flat, hands in his pockets as he waited for his friend to find a shirt.
“Thank God you’re here,” he called from the bedroom. “I thought I was going to go crazy waiting.” He emerged, pulling a deep burgundy t-shirt over his head.
“Okay, so what’s going on?” Ned asked.
“I have a favor to ask,” Hal said flatly and immediately Ned turned his back and went into the kitchen in immediate retreat.
“Hell no. If this is anything like the time you made me help you pull that pickpocketing stunt to get out of paying the tab--”
“That was one time,” Hal said, going after him. “Anyway it worked, didn’t it?”
“Oh yeah, I was nearly arrested but hey, we didn’t have to pay our tab.” Ned grabbed an already-opened bag of chips and sat on the counter, popping one in his mouth. “So what’s this about?”
Hal took a deep breath.
“You have to promise not to freak out,” he said.
“Okay, it’s phrases like that that make me start freaking out,” Ned said.
“I’m being serious.”
“So am I.” Ned looked at Hal’s face and rolled his eyes. “Okay. I won’t freak out. Now what’s going on?”
“I need you to pretend to be my boyfriend,” Hal said. Ned stared at him.
“Your what?”
“Please know that I am only asking because I have no other choice.”
Ned continued to stare. Whatever he’d been expecting… it hadn’t been this.
“Do I even want to know how this became necessary?”
“Look.” Hal pulled up one of the nearby bar stools and sat across from Ned. “It’s like this. Doll’s back in town and she’s kind of still interested.”
“Doll?”
“You met her, like, once. A year ago. Both of you were high.”
“Oh.” It was so easy to lose track of Hal’s friends. His personality was infectious, one of those people who made friends as easily as other people knocked on doors.
“Anyway, she made plans about a month ago to meet up in Eastcheap tonight and I may have told her I found somebody just to put her off. Only problem,” Hal spread his hands wide, “is that now she wants to meet them. That is. You.” He cleared his throat. “So.” He pressed his lips together in his standard it is what it is expression. “It’s just for tonight. Nothing weird. After that, things go back to normal. Come on,” he said pleadingly at Ned’s skeptical expression. “This is important.”
“Okay,” said Ned slowly. “Um… has it occurred to you that she might wonder what happened when we suddenly stop showing up together? Also, does she even think you’re bi?”
“It’ll be fine,” said Hal. “I’ll just tell her that it was all in the name of self-exploration and that I left you for a curvy blonde with bad English and a penchant for tequila shots.”
Ned facepalmed. “See, this is why we can’t let you leave the house. I swear to God, you’re worse than Falstaff sometimes.”
“And besides,” Hal continued as if he hadn’t heard him, “She knew me back when I was in uni and experimenting like everybody else. It won’t be too much of a stretch. So: are you in are not? ‘Cause you know what you’re doing with stuff like this.”
“Being people’s pretend boyfriend? Thanks, babe,” Ned said with his mouth full.
“No, with the queer things. I mean, you wear your pan on your sleeve--”
“Hal, what the fuck?!” Ned nearly slipped off the counter, spluttering. “I have told exactly nobody about that.”
“Come on, it’s not like you’re hiding. But that’s why you’d be perfect. I mean-- you know what I mean. Um,” Hal waved his hands around. “You’re more experienced.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Come on.”
Ned gaped.
“I-- why do I let you talk me into this?” he asked to the world at large. “Why are you always so stupid?” That was directed specifically at Hal.
“Oh my God, thank you!” Hal leaped from his chair to hug him. “Like I said, it’s just for tonight. 10:00 at the Boar’s Head. Wear something hot.”
Ned snorted, pushing him off. Sometimes it was hard to remember that Hal was an actual adult, let alone a prince.
“Okay, honey. Whatever you say.”
The bar had been open for several hours before they showed up. “Damn,” Hal said, coming face to face with Ned. “You don’t cut corners, do you?”
Ned shrugged. He’d spent a shameful amount of time in front of the mirror. Hal had said hot and Ned had been determined to make that happen. If he was going to be the fake boyfriend, then damn it, he was going to do it right. The end result-- black vee-neck, skinny jeans, combat boots, eyeliner, nail varnish-- wasn’t too bad. At the very least, Hal seemed to think so. He looked him up and down, almost as if confused.
“I feel like I under-dressed now,” he said, in face of contrary evidence. Hal had gone for his customary button-down and had added a partially undone navy tie. Also, he’d showered and used some kind of cologne that made the back of Ned’s throat burn. Idiot.
Hal looked past him.
“Doll!”
A moment later, a tall woman a few years older than Hal ran over to them, her dirty blonde hair teased à la the eighties. She hugged Hal first, giving him a loud smack on the lips.
“Hal, good to see you!” she said. She spoke with an extremely thick cockney. “So, who’s the lucky lady…” she trailed off, catching sight of Ned. She looked back at Hal. “Wait. Hang on.” A grin spread across her face. “Oh my God, you never said you had a boyfriend!”
“Yeah, um, is that a problem for you?” Hal asked pointedly, in that same tone a bad actor uses when repeating a cue.
“Problem? Holy shit, this is awesome!” She made a small squeaking noise. “I knew it!” She turned to Ned. “Well done. Sorry.” She shook herself. “I’m Doll,” she said, holding out a hand. “And you are…?”
“Ned,” he said shortly, shaking her hand.
“Well, Ned, like I said before. Congrats.” She grabbed each man by his wrist. “Come on. Let’s head in!”
“So how did you two meet?” asked Doll, once they’d grabbed seats inside. Things were already getting loud-- they had to call over the clamor of voices and the music to be heard.
“Uh--” Hal and Ned glanced at each other and then spoke at the same time.
“Through friends.” They looked at each other again, this time in surprise. They hadn’t expected to say the same thing.
“Aw, you finish each other’s sentences too,” said Doll and got up to order a round. Ned felt his face burn and he put a hand over his mouth in a feeble attempt to disguise the blush. “How long have you been together?”
“Not long,” Ned said as Hal said,
“About five months.” Doll looked from one to the other in expectation.
“Feels shorter than that,” Ned amended finally as he gave Hal a flash of a smile. “Or something.”
Doll got up to get their drinks and Ned leaned over, gritting his teeth.
“Five months? Seriously?”
“It was the first number I thought of!” Hal said defensively. “Anyway,” he added, “Be glad I didn’t say years. Then she’d be expecting us to be living together.”
“In which case, we’d say we were taking things really slowly.”
Hal snorted. “We’re saying that anyway, right?”
Doll came back, drinks in hand.
“Beers all around, yes?” she said. She looked over at Hal. “You need to loosen up.”
“What?” Hal stared at her in blank confusion.
“You are allowed to cuddle your boyfriend,” she said deliberately. “Seriously. I don’t mind third-wheeling at all.” The drinks clattered into their places. “Is he always this awkward?” she asked Ned.
“He’s an idiot,” Ned said, grinning. “Always puts his foot in his mouth.” Hal swatted him lightly on the shoulder.
“Well no wonder I’m not cuddling you,” he muttered. “What can you expect when you talk shit?”
“Fuck off, I heard that,” Ned replied. Hal rolled his eyes and put his hand over Ned’s, interlocking their fingers. Ned swallowed and began chewing on his tongue. It was tough to look at people all the sudden.
“There we go. I don’t feel like you’ve been fighting anymore,” said Doll. Her grin faded suddenly. “Hang on, how’s your dad taking all of this?”
“Ah--” Hal laughed humorlessly. “Um. My dad doesn’t know about this?” He smiled tightly.
“What?” Doll stared at them. “You’ve been dating for five months and he still doesn’t know?”
“Um… not really?”
“Are you ever going to tell him?”
“Not unless I absolutely have to,” Hal said darkly. Meanwhile, Ned sipped at his beer and tried to ignore how Hal was absentmindedly playing with his fingers. Distracting.
Eventually, the conversation turned to college anecdotes and the atmosphere relaxed a little, along with Hal’s grip on his fingers. In the middle of the infamous Angry Coke Reaction story, Hal let go completely. Despite the clamminess, Ned’s hand felt cold without the prince’s over it.
At that moment Mistress Quickly, the proprietor of the bar, came by their table. A lady of about sixty-seven, she was seen more or less as the honorary grandmother of the usual Boar’s Head crowd-- at least, a grandmother who could pinch a penny till kingdom come and was completely willing to send around a few of the lads to make sure your debts were paid. She was very strictly Mistress or simply Quickly. Nobody would dream of calling her anything else.
Quickly and Doll greeted each other with a hug.
“Doll, where’ve you been?” asked Quickly. Doll shrugged.
“All over. Was up in Newcastle for a while. Just road-tripped mostly. But here, why didn’t you tell me about Hal and Ned?”
Quickly blinked, gave both boys a cursory glance as if to make sure all their limbs were still attached and looked back at Doll.
“What about them?
“He and Ned! Being together?” Doll repeated. “Why did you never say anything?”
“What?” Quickly went back to Hal and Ned. “How have I never noticed?”
Ned glanced uneasily at Hal, but the prince didn’t seem to have missed a beat. He shrugged and grinned.
“Dunno. Maybe you’re getting old and blind, Missus,” he said and ducked her immediate swipe.
“You mean she didn’t know either?” Doll asked in disbelief. “Fuck, you guys are good. I mean, five months. Damn.”
“Five months?” Quickly stared at them both, looking a little hurt. “Boys… you could have told me. I wouldn’t have said anything. Especially with your dad being the way he is.” She nodded at Hal.
“We… we just thought it would be better not to say anything in general,” Ned said after a moment, feeling both of them sink deeper into the mess. He started a little as Hal’s fingers returned, wrapping over his free hand and squeezing for a moment. Suddenly he wondered how much of this was really play-acting on Hal’s part. Then he mentally shook himself. Hal was straight as an arrow. At least, an arrow that liked to get drunk a lot and didn’t really mind who was around as long as it got to take its clothes off every night. As for romance… well…. Ned privately suspected that Hal just wasn’t geared for that kind of thing. For himself, Ned pushed his personal feelings and suspicions away and instead focused on making this thing believable. So he didn’t pull away and if he blushed a little… that was only natural for a long term couple finally coming out of the closet, wasn’t it?
At last, the flurry of questions subsided and Hal suggested they migrate to another place, maybe a club. There would be further excuses not to talk. Although it was kind of fun to make up their history together-- how they met, their first date, that kind of thing.
Now, music pulsed through Ned’s ears.
“You two should dance,” Doll said. “Seriously. It’s not like the earth will crack and swallow you whole.”
“Are you kidding? He’s the Prince of Wales,” said Ned, calling to be heard over the music. Doll shrugged. Like most of the Boar’s Head crowd, of which she was definitely a part, she seemed to consider Hal’s title an afterthought to the man himself.
“Come on, we’re in the corner. Nobody’s going to notice.”
Ned looked out at the sea of grinding couples and gulped.
“Er, but what about you?” he asked Doll.
“Oh trust me,” she said, laughing, “I do not intend to go home alone tonight. Go on. Have fun, for God’s sake.” And she more or less pushed them onto the floor.
Ned and Hal stared at each other, both laughing a little nervously.
“Um,” said Ned, too quietly to be heard over the noise. Standing stock-still on the dancefloor, they were starting to attract some passing glances-- the last thing they needed. Seemingly without another thought, Hal seized his hands and pulled Ned closer.
“Look, we’re going to have to get personal or else we’ll look weird,” he murmured in Ned’s ear. His breath smelled a lot like beer. “We can no homo this later if you want.”
“We both know I’m all about the homo,” Ned replied, likewise in his partner’s ear. “But if it makes you feel any better.” They started moving back and forth a little robotically, pressing tentatively together. “This is close enough,” Ned said. “I don’t think your masculinity will survive anything more.” He smirked.
“Oh, will you shut up?” Hal snapped good-naturedly.
“Never,” Ned replied, still grinning. He looked around at the other dancing couples. “We still look stiff,” he said and sighed.
“One way to fix that,” Hal said and turned, his hands in the air, to lean back against Ned. Ned himself was frozen, unable to do anything but stare as the prince kept his hands outstretched towards the distant ceiling, his hips continuing to circle around and around…
“Jesus, Hal. What if somebody sees?” He hissed even as he began to move along with him.
“So?”
“So you’re the bloody Prince of Wales!” Ned insisted. “I can’t believe I’m actually the one to be concerned about this.”
“Just let it happen,” Hal called over the music.
“You’re stupid,” Ned said, rolling his eyes.
Stupid, but magnetic as well. The scent of Hal’s cologne, which Ned thought had faded, hadn’t. Now he was assaulted anew by it. The prince was making no attempt to keep any distance between them-- his hair brushed against Ned’s cheek and he wondered momentarily how it got so soft and how he had never noticed it before. He was trying not to think about the throb that was growing much farther downward.
A glance up at the wall made his heart skip a beat. Awkwardly, he bent his mouth to Hal’s ear.
“There’s a guy over there with his phone out. And he’s looking right at us.”
“Shit,” Hal stopped completely for a moment, but only a moment. And then he’d turned with lightning speed, seized Ned’s jaw, and his lips seemed to come crashing down with strange inevitability onto Ned’s.
It was like the world was drowning all of the sudden. Ned ceased to hear the music as their lips moved against each other. Their fingertips brushed and laced together. They were motionless, their breath coming in gentle gasps between kisses.
Hal pulled away first, rubbing his lips together.
“That should do it. I’m not facing him, am I?”
Ned shook his head dumbly. Both of them looked down to where their hands were still linked. They swallowed and let go almost instantly.
“Doll’s over there. I think she just mouthed ten out of ten at us,” Hal said wryly. He saw Ned’s expression. “Are you okay?”
Ned swallowed again and shook his head. His stomach seemed to have dropped several levels and his lips blazed.
“I’ll be in the bathroom,” he heard himself say, and stumbled there.