Work Text:
Odo stared at the PADD in his hand, in total bafflement. A data file had been sent to him, by complete accident no doubt. In fact, a whole bunch of files had been sent to him without any clear intention, thanks to a glitch in the data storage. Something that Chief O’Brien had already received hundreds of complaints about. Odo had restrained himself from reading anything private, but this note caught his attention.
It was written in Ferengi, though some of the characters were corrupted in the glitch. Once Odo had it automatically translated into a language he understood much better, much of it was still corrupted. Still, he could tell it was some sort of list, with ten items. And the title of it had caught his attention like a targ catches prey.
10 Th-ngs I - Abou- O-o
(Of course, it was actually in Bajoran, but this is roughly what it would’ve looked like if it was written in English)
Odo knew he should’ve just ignored it and carried on with his work to the best of his ability, but this list had a mystery to solve. Most of the title was obvious. 10 Things I … About Odo. Knowing that the list had to have been about him was especially intriguing. The Ferengi text narrowed down the writers significantly, but he couldn’t rule out the possibility that it was part of the glitch. After all, the glitch made tracking down the original writer impossible.
And, of course, the word in between ‘I’ and ‘about’ was totally corrupted. There were a few things it could’ve been. In order to figure out this important mystery, he’d have to read the list to see if they could provide any clues as to who wrote it and what that missing word was.
- He ke-ps dropp-ng by my bar, ev-n t-ou-h he ne-er b-ys anyt-ing.
Odo chuckled; the very first item of the list revealed who wrote it. No way it could be anyone else but Quark. It also gave him a really good idea as to what that missing word could’ve been. Of course, a good investigator never jumps to conclusions so early. So, he read on.
- H-s b-ring beige unif-rm.
- He c-ns-antly in-ades my per-onal spa-e a-d m-nha-dles me.
- T-e way h- lov-s to i-sult me.
- Hi- h-r-umps.
By this point, Odo knew exactly what the missing word was. He was grinning so hard that a solid’s face would’ve started hurting. But he had to read the whole thing.
- He’s n-ar im-os-ib-e to t-mpt wi-h an-thing.
- The way he c-osses his -rms as a r-action to lite-ally EV-RYTH-NG, espe-ially if he’s an-oyed or un-omfo-table.
Odo looked at item number seven with a degree of surprise; he did that while uncomfortable too? Thinking about it, it seemed to help him feel smaller and safer. Apparently, he was just as prone to involuntary nervous actions as any solid. A somewhat embarrassing realisation. Still, he read on.
- He can-ot maint-in eye con-act for th-ee se-onds to sav- his l-fe. Unl-ss he’s int-rro-ating me, t-en he st-res i-to my so-l.
- T-at stu-idly smo-th f-ce.
Okay, not a big fan of that one.
- He a-gues a-d bic-ers -ith me o-er e-ery-hing you co-ld pos-ibly arg-e an- bick-r about.
With a list like that, Odo knew immediately what that missing word was: 10 Things I Hate About Odo. Why on Bajor Quark would ever write this stuff down, Odo couldn’t fathom or really care. He laughed just reading it over again.
‘Things I Hate About Odo…’ He read out loud.
Saying it out loud felt a little… weird. Like using the word ‘hate’ to refer to himself was somewhat uncomfortable. But in this context, it was hilarious. Why? Because now Odo knew exactly what to do to irritate Quark. Everything that pissed that crook off was right here in front of him!
Though Odo usually had decent control over his expressions - faces may have been hard, but he was morphing one himself - he couldn’t help grinning all day. Now that he knew precisely what annoyed Quark, he could crank it up and have some fun.
When the initial high of finding the list died down a little, he began to wonder why Quark wrote this list to begin with. Then he chalked it up to an angry vent and set the ‘mystery’ aside. There were more important things to do. A suspicious delivery had arrived in the cargo bay, and he knew almost straight away who was responsible for it. And if said suspect wasn’t responsible for it after all, that would only make it better.
The very moment he waltzed into the bar, he couldn’t help grinning even more. If he wasn’t careful, his face might end up stuck like that. Quark was going about his business in a perfectly (on the surface) innocuous way, simply pouring a few glasses for some customers while making sure the bartop remained clean and dry. And the very moment Odo stepped into the bar, Quark’s head perked up from his work.
‘Oh for the Blessed Exchequer’s sake…’ He muttered. ‘Now what?’
The very first thing Odo did, before even making his way over to the bartop, was cross his arms in the most exaggerated way possible. It took some willpower not to grow an extra pair just to cross them too. And when he did reach the bartop, he leaned over it as far as he could go. Maaaybe extended his torso out to get a tiny bit closer too. Quark leaned back, looking quite alarmed. Three things on that list taken care of in a minute; Odo was feeling unreasonably proud of himself.
‘Hello, Quark,’ He said.
Quark sighed. ‘Alright, what is it now?’
As Odo conversed with him, he made sure to - quote - ‘stare into his soul’. It was one of the only times in his life he didn’t mind eye contact.
‘I was checking through all deliveries in Cargo Bay 2,’ He said. ‘And I found a crate of Puerlavian spices.’
‘Yeah. So?’ Quark said. ‘The trade of Puerlavian spices is perfectly legal. As the Constable, you should really know this.’
‘That may be true, but I’m sure that you’re aware that the certain spices you had delivered can be mixed to create several recreational drugs.’
‘Odo, I run a bar that serves food. Among other things. And those spices taste great! And, high-end spices mean I get to charge more.’
‘Puerlavian spices are not ‘high-end’.’
‘That’s for us to know, and the general public to never find out.’ A hopefully went unspoken.
Of course, Odo didn’t have any hard evidence that Quark was using these spices for anything but seasoning the food served at his bar. Which would’ve been perfectly legal. For the most part.
‘Well, if your use for these regulated spices is totally innocent…’ He said.
With that, he enacted the second half of Item No. 4. He grabbed Quark by the collar, pulling him in just a little. Certainly not far enough that Quark could sue for ‘rough handling’, but just enough to get that shocked expression out of him.
‘Then you can show me your licence.’
Quark let out a groan. ‘I need a licence for everything on board this stupid station! I’m sure you’re just making this up so you can swarm me with paperwork that I don’t even need!’
‘I thought Ferengi liked copious amounts of unnecessary paperwork.’
‘Not if it’s paperwork from law enforcement! … And our paperwork is necessary, thank you very much.’
Odo knew this conversation was going nowhere. As per usual, Quark covered his tracks just well enough that Odo had no real evidence, but not well enough that Odo didn’t suspect him in the first place. Usually, the knowledge that he was getting nowhere would be frustrating. Today, however, it was fun.
‘Lucky for you,’ He said, managing to sound frustrated. ‘I have to return to my other duties now. But don’t think, for even a moment, that you’ve gotten out of this.’
‘With how stubborn you are? I’m not betting on it. That’s a risk with no reward.’
A short-lived encounter, yes, but Odo had managed to knock off about half the list already. 1, 3, 7, 8, and 10 were easily taken care of. 2 and 9 were met by default. Better yet, he could easily knock out a few more while he was at it.
‘Then again,’ He said. ‘I guess I can’t blame you for not having any permits. No one who looks at you for more than a second would trust you with one.’
He left Quark to simmer in that one. Not his best work, but a decent job nonetheless. Just before he stepped out of the bar again, he glanced back at the bartender and gave him the most infuriating grin he could manage.
‘HmmmmmPH!’
And there was number five. He took a quick moment to appreciate Quark’s shocked and irritated expression before returning to his office. Sure, he missed out on number six, but that required Quark to tempt him with something first. And Quark may have learnt his lesson by that point.
Probably not.
Quark was mildly terrified. So focused on what just happened that he was hardly focusing on his actual job. Odo’s behaviour was definitely a little stranger than usual, and almost everything he did had a connection. A connection to a certain list.
‘You okay?’
That voice came from Jadzia, who had been sitting by the bar waiting for her drink. A drink she probably wasn’t going to get any time soon.
‘He found the list…’ Quark muttered, as though that answered the question. ‘This stupid storage glitch sent the list to him…’
‘... What list?’ Jadzia asked. ‘Your list of crimes?’
‘What? Of course not! Everything I do is perfectly legal! … And even if it wasn’t, I wouldn’t write it down anywhere. What kind of idiot would do something like that? I wrote a-’
He stopped himself right there when he realised what kind of secret he was about to drop on her. Unfortunately, this only got her more curious. That grin on her face was almost unbearable.
‘Come on,’ She said. ‘I gotta know! I won’t tell anyone.’
‘That’s a lie and you know it,’ Quark said. ‘The second you find out about some new secret, the entire station knows about it before my bar is even closed.’
‘Well… you’re not wrong. But I won’t tell anyone about this, I promise.’
Quark wasn’t sure how much he could trust her - if at all - but he was sure that she wouldn’t stop bugging him until he revealed his secret. And she had her ways of finding things out. Telling her now just saved him time and a whole lot of trouble.
‘Alright,’ He said, talking quietly. ‘So, a couple days ago, I got a little bored and wrote a list. A list titled…’ He swallowed. ‘10 Things I Love About Odo.’
‘What?!’
He shushed her about a thousand times, looking around to make sure that a certain someone wasn’t watching and listening right then.
‘I…’ Jadzia said, trying to sort out her words. ‘I didn’t realise you even had ten things you loved about him. Or any, for that matter. Was the list ironic?’
‘No, the list was not ironic!’ Quark said. ‘I wish it was.’
She grinned again. ‘You know what? Maybe I’m not really surprised. So, what was on that list?’
‘Just about everything that he just did.’
‘Sooo… dropping by the bar without permission, crossing his arms at you, the manhandling, the bickering, that adorable little ‘hmph’ he gives whenever he-’
‘Okay! That’s enough. Stop guessing now.’
Jadzia’s grin was almost as infuriating as Odo’s, and Quark wasn’t much happier to see it. He turned away from her so he could more properly brew in his own worries.
‘It might just be a coincidence,’ She said. ‘Everything he just did is stuff he does all the time.’
‘I saw that grin on his stupidly smooth face,’ Quark said, cringing just a little as he realised he just read out his own list. ‘He knows exactly what he’s doing. And he’s never done everything so quickly before. He’s found the list. He knows I love those things about him. And now he’s doubling down. Which means-’
He gasped.
‘Oh,’ Jadzia said. ‘Oh, no. You’re not…’
‘This is his way of telling me that he loves me,’ Quark said. ‘I… I don’t know how to feel about this.’
‘It could just be a coincidence! It’s not like he did something you’ve never seen him do before.’
‘Of course… If I make a move, and he doesn’t actually love me, he’s going to humiliate me and hold that against me for the next few centuries. But the way he’s acting…’
‘Maybe I can just ask him about it.’
‘Don’t you dare!’
Kira was used to stepping into Odo’s office and seeing him reading something, usually a security report but sometimes a novel he’d never admit to reading. Or writing, for that matter. What she wasn’t so used to, however, was him grinning while he did so. She had come in to talk about security matters, but this was more intriguing. Besides, those security matters weren't anything urgent.
She couldn’t help smiling as she asked, ‘What are you reading?’
It took Odo a moment to realise that she was even there. Thank the Prophets he wasn’t a solid, or his cheeks would’ve pinked.
‘Just a little list that Quark wrote,’ He said. ‘One I doubt he wanted me to see, but the glitch currently in our storage system led it right to me.’
‘A list of what?’ Kira asked. ‘With the way you’re smiling, it must be something like a list of crimes.’
‘Heh. I wish. Even I’ll admit, I don’t think Quark is quite stupid enough to write down all of his offences. But this is the next best thing - a list of all the ways I annoy him.’
‘... Annoy him?’
‘See for yourself.’
He handed her his PADD, and she was met with a series of corrupted items on a list. For the most part, she could easily guess what the words were supposed to be. Indeed, the items certainly seemed like something Quark would write in a ‘things about Odo that annoy me’ kind of list. Of course, the title was the only thing she couldn’t easily guess.
‘10 Things I Something About Odo…’ She read. ‘Of all the words to glitch out completely...’
‘Usually, it would be rather frustrating,’ Odo said. ‘But judging by the list, the missing word has to be ‘hate’. And now I know exactly what annoys him.’
Kira was speechless for a moment, trying to figure out what to point out first.
‘Uh… are you sure?’ She asked. ‘This corrupted word could be a lot of things. As such, ‘like’, or even-‘ She stifled a laugh. ‘Love.’
‘I wouldn’t even entertain the thought,’ Odo said. ‘For instance, my ‘boring beige uniform’. I struggle to see anything positive in that. Or what about how I ‘manhandle’ him? Or my…’ He hesitated. ‘My stupidly smooth face.’
Kira looked back at the list - that last one was item number nine, and it left her a little confused. Most of the other things listed were things that Quark complained about regularly. But as for ‘stupidly smooth face’... Well, despite its negative wording, Kira couldn’t recall him complaining about that very much. Even though he insulted just about every other aspect of Odo’s character, Odo’s struggles with shapeshifting the humanoid form was something hardly ever touched upon.
At first, it seemed like assuming the missing word was ‘hate’ was the only logical conclusion. The kind of conclusion that any Vulcan would make. But as Kira thought about it…
‘I repeat, are you sure?’ She asked. ‘It isn’t like you to jump to conclusions like this.’
‘One of the items is the way I insult him,’ Odo said. ‘There’s no other word it could be but ‘hate’. Except for maybe ‘dislike’, or ‘despise’, or ‘loathe’.’
‘And you’re okay with this?’
‘Irritating him is going to be a lot easier. I can’t complain about that.’
Kira tried to read his expression, but Odo could be frustratingly hard to read sometimes. He was either much more expressive than you’d expect a face like that to be, or basically a plank of wood. She was used to his stoicism, however, and could see a little shift.
‘Are you sure?’ Kira asked.
‘Well…’ Odo said, speaking a little quieter and slower than usual. ‘I must admit… I don’t really like item number nine.’
‘Stupidly smooth face.’
He cringed, ever so slightly. ‘He doesn’t insult my difficulties in shapeshifting very often. Hardly ever. He has, of course, a few times. But not as often as a lot of other people have. I thought he didn’t mind my… stupidly smooth face, but since it’s on this list…’
He didn’t need to look at the list again. Every single item on it was etched into his memory, for better or for worse. Now that he thought about it, the seventh item wasn’t so nice either…
‘Seems like you care about this a lot more than you usually would,’ Kira said. ‘I didn’t think you cared so much about what Quark thinks of you.’
‘Hmph. Of course I don’t!’ Odo said. ‘It’s just that, well, I thought Quark was one of the only people on board this station who didn’t really care about the way I looked. Not when he had so many other things to worry about. But now I know that he doesn’t like it. Hates it. It doesn’t feel right. And I don’t know why.’
T-at stu-idly smo-th f-ce. That’s what was written in the note, and there wasn’t much else it could possibly be. Unless Quark had been complaining about a ‘smolth fice’ or something.
‘Why doesn’t it feel right?’ He asked.
Kira didn’t like it when he spoke in that tone. It meant he was struggling to understand an important social rule or his own emotions, and it was scaring him just a little. It was rare, which made it even more alarming for her.
‘Because you thought you had someone who accepted your appearance and learning difficulties,’ She replied. ‘But now, it seems like they didn’t. It’s almost like Quark’s betrayed your trust, I guess.’
‘Well, that’s okay with me,’ Odo insisted. ‘Now I know just looking at me is enough to irritate him. And that sounds pretty good to me.’
He leaned back in his chair and smiled, to the best of his ability. It was only then that he noticed that he was crossing his arms. Without thinking about it, he uncrossed them almost immediately.
You’d think the fun of irritating Quark would go away after a few days, but it never did for Odo. At least, that’s what he would’ve liked to think. The storage glitch was only partially fixed - files were no longer being sent out at random, but the text was still corrupted. And Chief O’Brien was still swearing about it. So the list was still titled: 10 Th-ngs I - Abou- O-o. And he was still having fun with it.
Or so he thought.
Every meeting with Quark was spent ticking as many things on that list off as possible. And every meeting was spent enjoying the very thought of annoying the hell out of him.
At first, anyway.
There was one moment, on day two, that sent this entire plan spiralling out of control. Odo just got done knocking off seven items on the list, when Quark decided that he was fed up with that current conversation.
‘Look, I’ll get your stupid papers!’ He said, throwing up his arms in exasperation. ‘Now you can get your stupidly smooth face outta my face! I keep telling you, I’m running a completely legitimate business, but you keep insisting…’
Odo stopped listening halfway through this little speech. Those three simple words made him stop performing No. 3 immediately. Stupidly smooth face… Quark, too, seemed rather alarmed, but only for a moment. Odo didn’t notice. All it took to remind him of that list was those three words. He could see those corrupted words in his ‘mind’, and then there was only one word he could think of.
Hate.
‘… Odo? You okay there?’
Quark’s (strangely concerned) voice tore Odo from his reverie before he truly spiralled. Odo couldn’t respond, however, because he was too busy being baffled over why those dumb three words induced such a reaction in him.
‘I, uh…’
Well, this was mortifying. Was that genuine concern on Quark’s face? His eyes constantly darted between Quark and literally everything else.
‘Uh, well…’ He said. ‘I expect to see those papers soon.’
He exited the bar and returned to his office as swiftly as possible. Leaving Quark alone to simmer in his own thoughts. Very bad thoughts.
‘He knows…’ He murmured. ‘And now he probably knows that I know…’
‘Don’t you think you’re overreacting?’ Jadzia asked.
Quark gave her a look. ‘Do you just keep popping up whenever I start worrying about something? Because it isn’t making anything any better!’
Jadzia shrugged. ‘I don’t try to. But I always seem to anyway.’
Kira had been walking by on the Promenade when she saw Odo rush back into his office. His movements were more rushed and clumsy than usual - a sign that something was wrong. Fortunately for them both, she didn’t have anything serious to attend to at that moment. So, she was free to walk into his office and see what was up.
He was sitting at his desk, with a PADD in his hand. It wasn’t for reading, though. He was smacking it against his palm. A sign that made Kira very worried.
‘Odo?’
He jumped at the sound of her voice. If he wasn’t observant enough to realise that she had even walked into his office, then that was another bad sign. He stopped smacking the PADD into his hand and put it aside.
‘Major,’ He said, as though everything was normal.
‘Don’t pretend there isn’t something wrong,’ Kira said, speaking with a good mix of gentle yet firm. ‘Is this because of the list?’
His face crumpled up in embarrassment and his gaze fell upon his console. In other words, yes. Very.
‘Why am I acting like this?’ He asked, more himself than Kira. ‘Why do I care so much?’
‘Maybe you actually like him,’ Kira said. ‘You already spend all day and night thinking about him.’
‘Normally I wouldn’t even entertain that thought, but…’ He sighed. ‘Now I find that I don’t want to lose him.’ He slammed his fists into his console (but not too hard, of course). ‘And I don’t know why! I keep doing things that he hates, and for some reason, I don’t like that.’
‘He was the closest thing you had to a friend for a while. I don’t know if it goes any deeper than that, but he’s important to you.’
He glanced at his PADD. The list wasn’t even open, but just looking at the device was enough to remind him of the cursed thing.
‘I can’t lose him…’ He muttered. ‘I can’t. I… I’ll have to stop myself from doing everything on this list.’
‘What?!’ Kira cried. ‘Odo, these are things you do all the time. And you’re a man of habit. I know how stressed you get when the routine changes. How-?’
‘I don’t know why, but I don’t want to lose whatever it is that we have. If I have to change my own habits - some of which I didn’t realise I even had - to keep Quark, then I’ll stop doing every item on this list. As long as it doesn’t interfere with my work.’
Kira frowned. That didn’t sound right, because it wasn’t right. But she knew how stubborn her friend could be. A lot like her, unfortunately.
‘Alright,’ She said. ‘If you think it’ll help, go right ahead.’
‘I have to try,’ Odo said. ‘And I will.’
Odo attempted to stay away from the bar. That would handle not only the first item, but every other item on the list too. Couldn’t annoy Quark if he never saw him. He still could not believe he didn’t want to annoy that crook. Well, he did want to annoy him, but that only made it worse.
A couple times, he walked by. Got a glance at the bartender. For a moment, he’d lock eyes in a way he couldn’t with anyone else. Then look away immediately, going about his day. It was going so well. Until, of course, there was a bar fight that he had to stop.
The fight itself wasn’t the hard part. Just a couple of drunken Bajorans who got a bit antsy with each other. They didn’t sustain any serious injuries, and no one else got hurt. His deputies carried the guilty people out, where they would be placed back in their quarters until the alcohol wore off.
‘I hope this teaches you a lesson,’ Odo told them, looking down at them with his arms crossed. ‘Not that it ever does.’
He wasn’t worried, though. These two had never shown a propensity for rage or violence when sober, and rarely even when drunk. Most likely, it was just a one-off, but it could always repeat. Everything was going good, until he heard a painfully familiar voice calling out to him.
‘About time you got here!’ Quark complained. ‘I almost lost some really good customers!’
Odo spun around, seeing the bartender himself glaring at him from behind the bar. In an instant, all the worries he had prior to stopping the bar fight had come back full swing. If Quark noticed the panic overtaking him, then he didn’t comment on it. Did this count as performing item No. 1? He had a good reason for it, but now that he was hanging around longer than he needed to…
He raised his crossed arms and held them tighter against his ‘skin’, as though it would help make him smaller without actually changing form. It took a moment to realise that he was still crossing his arms, and uncrossed them straight away. Lest he commit item No. 7. He looked down at his uniform - his boring beige uniform. Of course, he was still on duty, so changing it was out of question, but maybe-
‘Well?’ Quark said. ‘Are you going to do something, or are you just going to stand there and take up space? If you’re gonna just stand around, at least pay me a… ‘standing around’ fee or something!’
‘I-’
He couldn’t properly respond. He was too busy wondering if this conversation counted as ‘interrogation’, and thus if he should’ve been making eye contact or not.
‘At least accuse me of something while you’re here!’ Quark said.
How strange it seemed that ‘when he accuses me of something’ wasn’t on the list in some form. You’d think that would be one of the things Quark hated the most.
‘I’m just doing my job, Quark,’ Odo said. ‘I would’ve left by now if you hadn’t interrupted me.’
Wait, did that count as arguing with him? Almost definitely. If he had a heart, it would’ve been racing. His morphogenic matrix trembled, and he still wasn’t sure why. Avoiding the items on that list had been so easy until now. And now, everything was falling apart at the speed of warp five.
‘Is that so?’ Quark said, sounding more annoyed by the second. ‘Just wanted to hang around so you could insult me a little more?’
Item No. 4. As much as Odo wanted to take the bait - yearned to, in fact - he refused to tick off any more items off that cursed list. He had ticked off enough in the span of just a few minutes. So, he huffed and headed for the door as swiftly as possible. The more he hung around here, the worse it would inevitably get.
‘... Odo? You okay? Usually by now, you’d try to tell me it was all my fault that those guys got into a fight.’
Odo stopped to give him a brief look, and looked away just as quickly. Even for that brief moment, he wanted to ‘hmph’ at him so bad. But he left without uttering another word. How lucky that Kira was drinking with Jadzia that day. She said goodbye to her friend before running after the Constable.
Quark noticed a lot of things, and the thing that had bugged him the most for the last day or two wasn’t how the corrupted files had to be un corrupted one by one, though that was pretty close. No, the thing that irritated him to no end, and also worried him, was that Odo hadn’t stepped into the bar all day. It wasn’t right. The only times Odo didn’t drop by the bar at all was when he was out on a ‘more important’ mission. Or possibly dying. But neither of those options could apply, because he was well and Quark had seen him pass by the bar many times.
After Odo had obviously found the list (unconfirmed but very obvious), he had been dropping by so much more than usual. And then, he suddenly stopped. The only time he had come in was to stop that bar fight, and he left so quickly.
And it left Quark spiralling, just a little.
Now that Jadzia’s partner had more important matters to attend to than a simple lunch, she could sit next to her other friend. Quark could do a decent job at hiding whenever his mind went on an unpleasant journey, but it wasn’t enough to fool Jadzia.
‘Now what’s going on?’ She asked. ‘Is it about that list again?’
Quark paced back and forth, grumbling about how he ‘never should have written’ that list in the first place. ‘First, he finds that damn list and tries to hammer in every item whenever he can. Then, it seems like he’s trying his best to go against the whole thing!’
Jadzia wanted to say he was being paranoid, but she had to admit, Odo had acted strangely.
‘You saw him…’ Quark muttered. ‘He uncrossed his arms almost as soon as he realised I was talking to him! He didn’t even take the chance to argue with me. You know how often that happens? Never, because he always argues with me!’
‘But why would he do that?’ Jadzia asked. ‘Playing up everything on the list, only to try avoiding it just a couple days later?’
‘That’s what’s getting me! If he just tried not doing everything from the beginning, I’d understand it. I’d hate him, sure, but I’d understand what he was doing! Unless he’s purposely playing with my feelings, but that’s harsh even for him. … Right?’
‘I don’t think he’d do something like that. Not after he’s been through heartbreak himself. But I can’t imagine why else he’d be doing this.’
Quark’s mind continued to spiral, trying to figure out why Odo was doing the things he was doing.
‘Is this his way of telling me that he hates me?’ He asked the void. ‘And not in the fun way he usually hates me. Just… hatred.’ He thought about it for a moment. ‘Nah. Can’t be. If he hated me that much, he would’ve just said it to my face. Surely. Right?’
‘Maybe,’ Jadzia said. ‘He just doesn’t know how to handle this situation. He knows you love him, and it took awhile for him to realise what that really means.’
‘Yeah. Yeah! That man has always been as thick as a brick when it comes to love. You know how many times we’ve had to explain the basics of this stuff to him? He has no idea what he’s doing.’
‘So how about we talk to him about this?’
‘... We’ll get there when we get there.’
Judging by the rather judgemental look she was giving him, that was not the correct answer.
‘Don’t give me that look,’ He said.
‘So you’re just gonna make him sort out his own feelings instead of talking to him?’ She asked. ‘Because if you’re relying on Odo to figure things out on his own, you’re gonna be waiting a while.’
Quark’s eyes went wide. She was right. That man was as thick as a brick when it came to love. Actually, that would be insulting to bricks.
‘Alright,’ He said. ‘I’ll go talk to him. Right now. I’m gonna go marching into his office, look him in the eye, and say-‘
‘Quark!’
Kira wasn’t sure what to expect once she went into the security office. Odo had been struggling with this situation for a couple days now, so it could’ve been anything. What she was definitely not expecting was to see him staring at a reflective surface in the wall. His hands were clamped behind his back so tightly that they were beginning to merge into the one mass. Parts of his uniform had been ‘splashed’ with patches of clashing blue and green.
Item No. 7 and Item No. 2.
‘Odo…’
He noticed her immediately this time, turning around in a flash. It gave Kira a good look at his face. For the most part, it looked how it usually did - an overly smooth imitation of a humanoid face, lacking or simplifying many of the details. There were a few brief seconds, however, where she could see a few lumps on his nose before they sunk back into his skin. An attempt to mimic the Bajoran nose ridges. The one thing that differentiated them from Humans at a first glance. And something that Odo had made clear was extremely difficult for him to imitate, for reasons even he didn’t understand.
‘Odo…’ Kira repeated, struggling to say much else. ‘You’re not… You don’t have to do this.’
‘I know, Major,’ Odo said. ‘I know. I could just move on. I don’t need to worry about what Quark thinks of me. And yet, I’ve spent every moment I’m not regenerating trying to keep him! And… and I can’t.’
Kira noticed something else that wasn’t right. Odo had been staring dead into her eyes since she walked in, and didn’t look very comfortable doing it. Of course he didn’t. He hated eye contact.
‘You’re looking me in the eyes,’ She said, as if he needed that explained.
‘Number eight,’ Odo said. ‘I’ve learnt that Quark hates it when I can’t look people in the eye, so I have to maintain eye contact. Unless I’m interrogating him, then I have to look away.’
‘Then why are you doing that with me?’
‘I have to get into the habit of doing it. It will be difficult, but I-‘
‘Oh for the love of the Prophets!’
She yelled louder than she was intending to. Odo jumped back, and the clashing colours in his ‘uniform’ distorted and blended together.
‘Sorry,’ She said with a sigh. ‘I just… You’re going out of your way to change your habits for Quark. Do you love him or something?!’
Odo averted eye contact for a moment, before looking down the barrel of the proverbial gun. ‘I… I think I do.’ He cringed and groaned. ‘Of course…’
All of Kira’s anger and frustration deflated like a balloon.
‘… Oh,’ She said. ‘That’s why you’re bothering to do this in the first place. Even if it’s killing you.’
Odo’s gaze fell upon the PADD, until he remembered to maintain eye contact. Even if it felt like a Cardassian interrogation technique. His arms seemed to move on their own, trying to cross, but he kept his hands clasped at the back. Kira waited for him to do or say anything, and did not get what she was expecting.
‘I have to talk to him,’ He said, snatching up the PADD and swiftly making his way to the door. ‘If changing all my habits is going to kill me, I want him to know that he can be grateful for it.’
‘Odo, don’t-!’
Her words went interrupted and unheard as Odo walked right past her, making a beeline for the bar. Several people glanced at him and his oddly coloured uniform, but he paid them no mind at all. At least the bar wasn't so busy at the moment. Quark was there, as usual, chatting to Jadzia about something probably irrelevant.
‘-marching into his office, look him in the eye, and say-‘
‘Quark!’ Odo yelled.
Quark immediately seized up with panic, and he flashed Jadzia a pleading look. She completely ignored it and just grinned. It was an understandable reaction from Quark, seeing as these meetings usually ended with an accusation.
Why wasn’t ‘when he accuses me of something’ on that list anyway?
‘C-Constable!’ Quark said, trying his best to smile. ‘W-What brings you to this fine establishment? ... And what the hell are you wearing?’
Odo sighed. ‘There’s… something I need to talk to you about.’
Quark’s panic only worsened when Odo sat down on a barstool. How odd. He usually never freaked out this much. Kira followed behind Odo, while Jadzia stayed in her seat.
‘Whatever it is,’ Quark said. ‘I didn’t do it. Dax can vouch for me!’
‘I’m not here to talk about your crimes, for once,’ Odo said, struggling to look him in the eye. ‘It’s… something else.’
‘What?’
‘I found the list, Quark.’
It only took a second before Quark went through about fifty different facial expressions at once, many of which Odo couldn’t even identify.
‘… What list?’ Quark asked, his voice small.
‘The one you wrote about me.’
Quark was going through full-blown panic now. Perhaps because Odo was still staring into his soul (this didn’t count as an interrogation, did it?).
‘Oh…’ He said. ‘That list.’
‘Yes,’ Odo said. ‘That list. I’m sure you weren’t intending for me to find it, and perhaps I shouldn’t have read a document that I wasn’t supposed to see. But the title had my name in it, so I couldn’t help it.’
By this point, Quark was about ready to scream.
‘I must admit, some of the items on that list… confused me. I wasn’t even aware of some of my own habits. Like the arm crossing one.’
‘Y-Yeah…’ Quark stammered. ‘You do that all the time.’
‘And at first, I thought it would be fine to double down on that list. But now, that doesn’t feel right. Now that I know how you feel about it.’
Quark bit his lip, trying his best not to freak out or yell. Was this a rejection? Or just Odo not knowing what he was doing? Jadzia could sense the awkwardness better than any Betazoid, but couldn’t leave because she had to know where this was going.
Kira sat down next to Odo, still unsure about the word ‘hate’. She could easily feel how out-of-whack his emotions were, especially with all the conflicts going on inside him. There wasn’t much she could to do besides just being there for him.
‘And it’s strange,’ Odo said. ‘Because I already knew how you felt about me.’
‘Y-You did?’ Quark stammered, about ready to faint.
‘But seeing it written down on the list… It made it hard to enjoy doing the things I usually do. That’s why I’ve been avoiding you. And why I tried not doing the things on the list, to make you... feel different about me.’
Quark couldn’t even manage a reaction anymore, merely hanging his jaw open.
‘And then I realised why it made me feel wrong. Because… b-because that feeling wasn’t mutual.’
‘What?!’ Quark cried, looking like his whole universe had collapsed in on itself. ‘Then why did you go about doing all that stuff anyway? Just to mess with me?’
‘It took me a while to realise, okay?!’
‘If you didn’t feel that way, you could’ve just said so!’
‘Wow, okay,’ Jadzia said. ‘This conversation is going places I was not expecting.’
Odo let out a sigh. He couldn’t have agreed with her more. As if trying to confess his love to someone he knew hated him was ever going to end well.
‘Odo,’ Kira said. ‘This has gone on long enough.’
‘I couldn’t agree more,’ He said. ‘It’s obvious you don’t feel the same way about me as I do about you, Quark.’
‘Please, Odo,’ Quark said. ‘Whatever you’re doing, do it now. Just get it over with.’
‘I… I’m sorry. I tried to fix things, but I just can’t stop myself from doing the things you hate.’
And there it was. It was finally off his chest. Odo sighed again, unsure of where to go from here. Hopefully, this wouldn’t make any interaction between them awkward. Any and all interrogations would go south otherwise. Quark, however, gave him all sorts of expressions at once. With that one word - that one, four-letter word beginning with ‘h’ - the latinum slip finally dropped. He could only respond by yelling, at the top of his lungs…
‘HATE?! What do you mean, HATE?!’
‘Hate?!’ Jadzia cried, just as confused as him.
Odo and Kira flashed brief glances at each other that were possibly even more confused. All four parties realised, almost at once, that this situation hadn’t panned out as expected.
‘It was all on the list!’ Odo said.
‘What list?!’ Quark cried. ‘Cos, clearly, we’re not talking about the same one.’
‘The list of things you hate about me!’
‘What are you talking about?!’
‘This list.’
Quark swiped the PADD from him and looked the whole thing over. The first thing he noticed (after setting the language back to Ferengi) was the corrupted text. Despite all the missing or incorrect letters, he could read it just fine.
‘He keeps dropping by my bar… boring beige uniform… manhandles me…’
It was the same list all right. Every item was exactly what he wanted it to be. Jadzia leaned over the bar to get a look too, struggling to find what could’ve possibly caused so much- oh. That was it. Her eyes widened as she saw the one clue that everyone else had apparently missed.
‘Quark,’ She said. ‘Look at the title.’
In his rush to figure out the problem, Quark hadn’t thought to check the title. Ten Things I… Oh. OH. One word was unreadable. The most important word. Arguably more important than ‘Odo’. If his eyes widened any more, his eyeballs would’ve fallen out.
‘I know I wasn’t supposed to see this list,’ Odo said. ‘And I am sorry for reading your private documents, but I-‘
‘Shut up for a moment!’ Quark yelled, making him jump. ‘Yes, this is the same list I thought we were talking about. But the stupid glitch left the most important word in the whole thing unreadable!’
‘I can see that, Quark. After reading the items on the list, I figured out that the missing word was ‘hate’. There was nothing else it could’ve been!’
For a split second, Quark had ‘sheer pissed-off rage’ written all over his face. He buried his face in his hands and let out a small scream.
‘That wasn’t the missing word, you idiot!’ He shouted.
Odo looked quite surprised, like he usually did when he realised he completely misread a situation. For someone so observant, well, that was just embarrassing. Kira’s hand met her forehead.
‘… Then what-?’
‘THE MISSING WORD WAS LOVE, ODO!’
Quark shouted so loudly that even those in the habitat ring must’ve heard him. Odo looked at him with a blank expression, until the revelation truly sunk into him. That expression slowly shifted to absolute shock.
‘Love?!’ Kira yelled.
Odo tried his best to regain his composure. ‘Quark, you’ve never been good at lying. But that has got to be the most ridiculous-‘
‘He isn’t lying, Odo,’ Jadzia said. ‘He told me himself that it was a list of things he loves about you. And he wasn’t exactly enthusiastic to tell me either. That’s what the list said. Ten Things Quark Loves About Odo!’
Odo found himself lost for words, and he snatched the PADD back. Looking over the list with this new bit of info didn’t help. It didn’t make any sense.
‘When I suggested the word could’ve been love,’ Kira said. ‘I wasn’t being completely serious.’
‘Because that makes no sense!’ Odo said. ‘There is no way anything on this list was meant to be positive. Like item number four: the way he loves to insult me.’
‘But I do love the way you insult me!’ Quark said. ‘Okay, I don’t like it personally. And most of what you say about me is straight-up slander. Slander I should and will sue you for one day. But it’s what we do! I insult you, you insult me, my day is made. And - I must admit it, and I’ll only admit this once - some of your insults are very creative.’
To say that this sudden compliment took Odo by surprise would be an understatement. His face went through the most glorious series of expressions anyone had ever seen. Quark summoned all of his willpower not to laugh.
After Odo got it together, he referred to the PADD again. ‘Then explain item number six. I am near-‘
‘Impossible to tempt with anything,’ Quark finished. ‘Odo, I wrote the damn list. I know what's on it. Haven’t you heard of a challenge? Everyone else is so easy to get latinum out of. But you? You make me work for it. And when I finally do get something outta ya, the satisfaction will be worth almost as much as the latinum itself!’
‘Ooh, what about number eight?’ Jadzia asked. ‘The eye contact one. Tell us why you love that.’
‘Gladly. And, funnily enough, it’s for the same reason as the arm-crossing one. Odo is very cute when he’s uncomfortable.’
If Odo was a solid, his face would’ve turned redder than a Vulcan sunset. Without really intending to, he averted eye contact and crossed his arms.
‘You’re right!’ Jadzia said. ‘He does look cute when he’s uncomfortable!’
‘You are not helping,’ Odo said.
Kira smiled. ‘Well… you kinda do.’
‘Neither are you!’
‘That also applies to the harrumps,’ Quark said. ‘They’re annoying, yes, but cute. You’re very cute for a puddle of goo.’
Odo had so many things to say that he ended up being totally speechless. His eyes darted around everything and everyone in the room before settling on that Prophets-forsaken PADD.
‘But what about…?’ He asked. ‘M-My uniform? And my face?’
It was that question when Quark cringed.
‘Oh, the face,’ He said. ‘You thought I hated the face.’
‘I’ve never exactly had anyone call my ‘stupidly smooth face’ cute,’ Odo said. ‘I think I was right to believe that you were horrified by my awful attempts at shapeshifting. Like most people. How was I supposed to know that was meant to be positive? How could you possibly like that or my boring beige uniform?!’
‘Because they’re you, Odo! You’re the only guy I know who always wears that boring suit even when off duty. And the face? That face is so you! No one else has a face like that. None that I’ve seen, at least. I see that weird thing you call a face, and I know that it belongs to you. ... And your attempt at making your uniform look less 'boring' looks more like someone ate too much paint and threw up all over you.’
At this point, Odo was beyond stunned. Astounded. Stupefied. Confounded. No word could adequately describe whatever emotion he was going through. He couldn’t even tell if it was a good feeling or not.
‘The list was of things you loved about me…’ He murmured.
‘Yes it was,’ Quark said. ‘Glad you’ve finally caught up. And you call yourself an investigator.’
‘So when I doubled-down on the list, I was doing things you loved. And when I stopped doing them, you must’ve thought I-‘ His face crumbled. ‘Oh, Quark, I… I was trying to fix whatever was going on between us, but all I did was… ruin everything.’
‘You didn’t ruin anything! For once. Okay, so I was kinda freaking out trying to figure out why the hell you were doing what you were doing. I couldn’t tell if you were messing with me again, or if you were just being dim when it came to love again. Compared to what you probably went through, though? You went through a whole rollercoaster of emotions!’
Odo buried his (stupidly smooth) face in his hands, letting out a sigh (which was just a pointless yet helpful trait he had picked up from the solids). This was one emotion he could easily identify - being overwhelmed.
‘Are you okay, Odo?’ Kira asked.
‘It’s been… a bit much,’ Odo replied, not lifting his face out of his hands.
‘I don’t blame you!’ Quark said. ‘First you thought we both hated each other, then you figured out that you were in love with me but thought your feelings for me weren’t returned, and now you’re finding out that they were returned and I loved you this whole time… For something who loves routine and order as much as you do, that’s gotta hurt.’
‘I… think I need to be alone for a little while. So I process all of this.’
He got out of his seat swiftly. There weren’t many faces in the room, but they were all looking at him and he could feel every single eye staring into his very being. The thought of returning to his quarters and pretending to be a floor was the only thing keeping him together.
‘Wait, Odo!’ Quark yelled. ‘We’ve just found out that our feelings are mutual, and you’re just gonna leave?’
‘Quark, I am not in any position to start a relationship with anyone right now,’ Odo said, a little more forcefully than he intended. ‘I’ve hardly even comprehended my own feelings yet. I need some time to sort this all out!’
He didn’t mean to shout. Really. But Quark didn’t seem frightened. He hardly even flinched. He just put on the most gentle smile he could. A ‘gentle smile’ from Quark wasn’t very gentle and seemed rather flirtatious, but an attempt was made.
‘Alright,’ He said. ‘Take all the time you need. You’re already dumb as my brother when it comes to love. I can wait. Ferengi can live up to about 300 years. Surely, even someone like you can figure things out by then.’
‘And next time,’ Jadzia said. ‘We should all just communicate our problems.’
Odo could not leave that room fast enough. Before he left though, he removed all those clashing colours from his uniform and crossed his arms. The last thing he gave Quark was a little 'hmph!' before leaving for real. Well, there was something else he gave Quark: a tiny bit of hope.
Quark spent the rest of the day worrying. Compared to the panic he had been through over the past few days, it wasn’t anything serious. But a worry nonetheless. Yes, this entire misunderstanding had been resolved. Yes, it turned out that - by some miracle - Odo reciprocated the feelings. Yes, the idea of being in a marriage contract with that stupid Changeling was an exciting one. But Odo was in a very confused state right now. Quark didn’t blame him for it, as much as he wanted to. So he just pouted about it instead. That confused and overwhelmed state could potentially spell the death of whatever Quark wanted to pursue.
He was just about going to bed when he got a random document sent to his account. When he first noticed it, he groaned - wasn’t Chief O’Brien supposed to fix this stupid glitch? Then he remembered that the glitch had been fixed a couple days ago, so this had to have been sent to him on purpose. And then he saw who sent it to him.
Odo…
Well, that changed a few things. This was either really good, or really bad. Quark took a deep breath and looked at it in full. The title leapt out to him immediately, because it was strangely familiar.
10 THINGS I [BLANK] ABOUT QUARK
Quark grinned. That settled it. This was going to be good. That blank space in between ‘I’ and ‘about’ was no accident this time. That ‘[BLANK]’ was spelt out clearly, in both Ferengi and the original Bajoran. Settling into bed, he read it with so much excitement you’d think he was reading about stock prices.
- He keeps causing so much trouble that I always have to pay attention to him.
‘Ooh, good start…’
- His garish fashion choices.
Quark chuckled. Evidently, Odo was trying to make this list a ‘counterpart’ to Quark's. In fact, several of the items seemed quite similar. Quark would complain, but this was a list written by someone dealing with complicated feelings. It was a shock that he even found the time to write it.
- He quotes those confounded Rules of Acquisition any chance he gets, despite hating rules otherwise.
- He works far harder than he should when it comes to insulting me.
- The way he eludes my capture and keeps this cat-and-vole game going.
That one was a little more surprising. And quite flattering. Perhaps the only time in history Odo willingly admitted to Quark 'eluding his capture'.
- He never stops trying to get me to buy something.
- The way he hisses at people when he gets angry.
Quark’s eyes went wide. So that was how he felt about the Ferengi hiss, huh? At least when it came from him.
- He’ll never admit it, but he makes for a terrible Ferengi.
‘Hey!’
If Odo heard that, he’d be laughing for days. Quark could only assume this was referring to him being ‘generous by Ferengi standards’. And apparently that was a compliment coming from Odo? And not just another way to insult him?
- Those stupidly large ears.
Oh. OH. Odo thought his ears were ‘stupidly large’. Well, that was quite the compliment compared to the last one!
- He will start an argument with me over the tiniest of things, and seems to enjoy it way too much.
That was the least surprising item on the whole list. Unlike Quark’s list, however, there was a little more to go.
I’m sure you can easily figure out what the missing word is. Anyone could. - Odo
And he was right. Quark knew exactly what the missing word was. That one missing word eased all of his worries.
‘Ten Things I Love About Quark.’
THE END