Chapter Text
Tsukasa Tenma hadn't always been Tsukasa.
He'd first noticed when he was eight, maybe—that Chisaki, which by all means, he'd considered a beautiful name—didn't sit right with him. He always dreaded the day people would stop calling him by his last name, and start calling him “Chisaki-chan”. Or, worse, an equally feminine nickname.
-chan . What an awful honorific for someone like him.
While there was the rare occurrence that someone like that Kamishiro girl would use “-kun” for nearly every one of his friends, that would rarely help. Still, “-kun” sounded much better to him even then.
Having someone he’d always presumed to be a brother in the house with him certainly didn't help things. Even as a child, he constantly wished his parents would let him cut his hair like his brother's, or let him wear boys’ clothes.
Tomboy, him and his family had declared, and though little Tsukasa hated the term, what else was there to describe him? As far as he was concerned, he was just like any other girl. While he hated dresses and skirts even then, and hated the constant compliments of “pretty” and “beautiful” from his family, as far as he was concerned, he was normal. This was normal.
Tsukasa knows a few girls who are just a bit more masculine than the average girl. For a while, he’d assumed he was like them. But Tsukasa would inevitably grow older, and that was when he’d realize just how much it hurt. Tsukasa had always been told that he was a girl , that he was supposed to be ladylike —but truthfully, he hadn't expected himself to grow up that way.
Gradually, the boys in his class had started to look different from him. Their voices had gotten deeper. They seemed to tower over Tsukasa, despite his above-average height. They were tall and strong, athletic, flat—everything he wished he could be. Sometimes, Tsukasa resented hearing their voices. He resented even looking at them sometimes. Why couldn't he sound like that? Why couldn't he look like that? Why couldn't he be like that?
“Daichi,” he’d ask his brother. “Do you think my voice is too high? I think I sound weird.”
His then-brother had just smiled each time. One time he’d simply stated, “Chisaki, you're a girl. It's not like your voice is going to get deeper. You sound fine!”
“Do you think I’m too short?” he replied.
“Chisaki. Did someone bully you?”
“No…”
“So why are you worried? You're fine!”
“You're right. I’m probably just overthinking,” he’d muttered then, but he’d never forget how much those words hurt.
It's not like your voice is going to get deeper.
But it should be deeper, he thought. I should be like them.
Eventually got to a point where every time he’d put on a shirt, he’d sigh. Too tight . He didn't want anyone to see his stupid chest. He’d try everything to hide it. He’d slouch, or try to wear shirts that were too large on him. Anything to conceal it.
If he had a choice, he'd cut it off as soon as he could.
Sometimes he even contemplated doing it himself.
But he’d just shrugged it off. This is normal.
—
Tsukasa couldn't quite remember when he had befriended the Kamishiro girl. That oddball was unlike any other friend he’d had before. A prodigy, though she always hated being called that. An aspiring inventor, always tinkering with robots in her workshop. She had a short haircut, and natural bright purple hair that made her stick out in a crowd. She was a shameless flirt, even with Tsukasa. And most important of all—she was the most talented director Tsukasa had ever seen.
One morning, the Kamishiro girl had a serious expression on her face. How uncharacteristic of her, Tsukasa thought. Did something happen?
Before Tsukasa could even ask, the Kamishiro girl cleared her throat. “Chisaki-kun, I need to tell you something—”
Tsukasa cut her off. “Okay.”
“In private,” she continued. “This is important. Meet me on the rooftop during our break.”
“Can’t we just go somewhere else?”
“Well…” the Kamishiro girl said, “It's the only place I can think of where nobody will be there. And this is something I don't want anyone to hear.”
“Okay…” Tsukasa replied, confused. What on earth could this possibly be?
—
Like Kamishiro had said, Tsukasa had made his way to the rooftop during their shared break. “So, Ay—” he started, but Kamishiro cut him off.
“It's Rui now,” Kamishiro had said, cutting Tsukasa off. “I’m a boy.”
“What do you mean?” A baffled Tsukasa replied. “But you're a—I’m sorry, this is confusing…”
“Ah, what I’m saying is that I’m trans, so just refer to me like how you would refer to any other boy. It really isn't that difficult, so don’t tell me you have any problems wi—”
Tsukasa had just furrowed his brow. “Sorry if I’m being weird, I just…I don't really know what you mean.”
“Oh,” Rui said. “So that's what you meant by ‘this is confusing’.”
“Huh?”
“Ah, Chisaki-kun, just as dense as ever, I see~” Rui giggled. “...and here I thought you were just being a bit… ignorant. I’ll admit I hadn't prepared for this possibility, but, ah, I was assigned female at birth, but I don’t feel comfortable as a girl. Which led to me realizing I’m a boy. It's not that complicated, but that definitely wasn’t the best explanation. It’s a bit more than that, but you get the point.”
“Oh,” Tsukasa said, and paused. “Um, if you don't mind me asking… how did you know?”
“Wow, Chisaki-kun, I really didn't prepare for this! Ah, well, it's a bit hard to explain, haha. But I’m sure you could look it up. That helped me a lot. Are you questioning or—”
“No!” Tsukasa yelled.
“Ah, sorry for assuming! I was just trying to help…”
“No, I should be sorry… I just want to understand, that’s all. And, um… I’m glad you could trust me with something like this, Ay–” Tsukasa paused to correct himself. “Rui.”
“Likewise,” Rui replied. “I’m glad you were willing to listen.”
—
Later that night, Tsukasa nervously typed a query into his search bar.
“What is transgender?” He typed, and hit Enter.
He fell asleep with more questions than answers.