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“EDI, have you seen Shepard?” Kaidan asked slightly worried.
It's not like Shepard to play hide and seek. Since they returned from Thessia and Shepard made his round over the ship to check on his crew-mates, Kaidan had the suspicion that something was seriously wrong. Knowing that his new found lover took defeats like this badly, Kaidan laid down his data-pad and decided to do a little sanity check.
“Shepard is in his cabin, Major.” EDI's voice sounded in the starboard observation. “He requested not to be disturbed.”
“I guessed so.” Kaidan nodded. That's why I'm checking on him.
“And Major, my scans shows that Shepard is strongly intoxicated.”
Oh great, John is drunk. Another reason why I should check on him before he does something stupid.
“I'll take care of him, thanks EDI.”
Taking in a deep breath, Kaidan made his way to the elevator. He never enjoyed Shepard's company when he was drunk, but as the commander told him years ago: sometime even the great Commander Shepard needed a shoulder.
“John? May I come in?” He asked before entering the captain's cabin. Though Shepard had granted him full access, he still respected the man's privacy. When no answer came Kaidan waited a few seconds, then slowly walked in.
The room was dark. Only the light of his fish-tank flickered on the floor and the light of his computer showed unread massages. It's not like Shepard to left his mails waiting. So things might be even worse than he thought.
“John?” Kaidan asked carefully.
“I'm here,” came a voice from the couch area.
Completely covered in darkness, only two red glowing eyes glared at Kaidan. He'd never gotten used to see those eyes and once again, Kaidan hated Cerberus for what they did to Shepard. But without Cerberus, his lover would be dead. So Kaidan swallowed his own feelings and told himself he was only here to comfort Shepard.
“Hey, are you alright?” He said down next his boyfriend, placing his hand gently on Shepard's forearm. The air around the commander smelled like the alcohol he was drinking. Kaidan's guts twisted as he saw the almost empty bottle on the table. He sighed. “What's on your mind?”
“What's on my mind?” Shepard growled, slowly moving his face to glare at Kaidan. “I failed! Millions died because I failed!”
“You did all you could.” Kaidan replied. Somehow he'd already prepared himself for a talk like this. “We all did. But we survived to fight another day.”
Shepard said nothing but lifted the glass filled with unknown alcohol to his lips.
“I think you had enough, John.” Kaidan said and pushed Shepard's rising hand down to the table. He managed to remove the glass from Shepard's hand but didn't miss the strength in those fingers.
“Are you here to lecture me, Major?” Shepard growled again.
Kaidan flinched at the tone Shepard gave him. Somewhere in there behind the voice of his lover, Kaidan heard something very dark, something very raw.
“No,” he replied softly. “John, I'm here because you need me. I know you're under a lot of stress. But you don't have to do it all alone. I'm here. And so is your crew. We're all....”
Shepard interrupted him by grabbing his collar. Normally that was the time Kaidan would press his lips on Shepard's and kiss the hell out of him, followed by very good sex. But not today.
“You know nothing, Alenko!” Shepard grip hardened. “You aren't the one to blame for the fall of an entire world! It's all on me!”
With a snort, Shepard stood up from his couch and grabbed the bottle on his way. He took another gulp and Kaidan again bit his lip to prevent himself form shouting at the drunken Shepard. He hated it. Just hated it.
“It's not your fault.” Kaidan whispered, moving close to embrace the Commander from behind. It did calm him down in the past, maybe it'd work this time. “If one's to blame, it's Cerberus. They'll pay for it. We'll make them pay.”
As Kaidan wrapped his arms around Shepard waist, the Commander flinched. He roughly slapped Kaidan's arms away with a snort and turned around to grab him by the collar again. Kaidan saw Shepard chest rise and fall with anger and the glare he received was pure hatred.
“John.” Kaidan warned.
“Cerberus!” Shepard hissed with firm grip on the collar of Kaidan's uniform. “It's that why you're here? Do you still think I helped them? Do you hate them so much you can't see what we did?! What I did?!”
“John, it's not...”
“Don't lie to me, Alenko!” He snapped, smashing the bottle against a wall. “I can see your disgust when you looked at me! Look at me! Is this what you hate so much?”
“John, let me down.” Kaidan warned again and caught Shepard's wrist with a grip firm enough to tell the Commander that he's being serious. “And calm down. You're not yourself right now.”
Out of nowhere, Kaidan was hit by a headbutt strong enough to make him see stars. He tumbled back a few steps and felt the pain inside his skull. Did this really just happen? Did John Shepard headbutt him?
“That's exactly how I am, Alenko!” Shepard's impressive feature towered over him, glowing with a mass effect field. “You only see what you want to see! Now, look at me!”
Kaidan saw Shepard's hands coming just in time to raise his barrier. He rolled to the side and was instant on his feet again.
“Calm down, Shepard!” He hissed, realizing that his own fists were flickering with blue energy, too. “Whatever happened down there, none of us could have changed it. You need to focus and move on.”
Shepard's response was a roar and before Kaidan could dodge; he was caught in one of Shepard's infamous charge and felt his back hit something hard. He let out a moan and his body slid along the fish-tank.
Tow strong arms took hold of his collar and a few seconds later, Kaidan felt himself being slammed into the tank again and again. His back bumped into the glass hard enough to make the transparent surface crack. It felt like Mars all over. Only instead of a mech, John Shepard, his lover was giving the beating.
Kaidan reacted due to his military training. He caught Shepard's wrist and bent it with all his strength. Shepard let out a grunt and Kaidan hoped he hadn't just broke Shepard wrist.
Still shaking off his dizziness from Shepard's charge, Kaidan struggled to get on his feet. With his vision still blurred, he saw a glow moving towards him. Shepard's fist met his face and Kaidan groaned under the jaw-shuttering pain. Then another blow on the other side and this time he heard bone crack under his skin.
Driven by sudden anger, Kaidan threw himself against the Commander. Completely aware of the situation and knowing that a furious Shepard could be more deadly than a pack of Krogans on rage, Kaidan decided his best defence would be offence. He really didn't want to hurt Shepard, but he didn't want to die today, either.
For a second, Kaidan felt himself and Shepard flying through the air. They landed on Shepard's bed, which squeaked heavily under the force of impact. Kaidan pinned Shepard's hands over his head and positioned himself astride on top of Shepard, immobilizing him with his weight.
“Stand down, Commander!” Kaidan barked in his best military tone. “I'm not your enemy!”
“You don't give me any commands!” Shepard growled, slamming his hips upwards.
“Oh god!” He gasped. The impact of Shepard's loin on his sensitive backside felt like lightning. For an instant, all he could feel was the erotic thrill rushing though his body and how strength was drain from his muscles.
By the time Kaidan could shake off the distraction, Shepard had managed to roll over and was now pinning Kaidan to the bed. If he wasn't angry and beaten up, he might have considered this situation very seductive. But with Shepard red eyes glowing over him and his firm hand on his chest, pressing him into the mattress, all Kaidan wanted to do was to kick Shepard in the ass.
Feeling Shepard's other hand moving greedily to his throat, ceasing it, squeezing it, Kaidan had a very bad feeling about this. He felt his head turn heavy and the pain building up inside his skull due to the lack of oxygen. His lips began to swell and his limps went numb.
“Shepard!” he managed to choke, trying to free himself vainly. “John, stop!”
But Shepard didn't. He squeezed even more. Smirking, the Commander pressed a very rough and painful kiss on his swollen lips, while his other hand slowly moved under Kadian's pants.
No! No! No!
“S... stop!” Kaidan choked again, now feeling the desperate need to breathe. “John...s…stop!”
With a final squeeze, Shepard released him. The sudden return of air made him dizzy and Kaidan coughed hard to get his brain functioning again. He had barely time to adapt to his new gained freedom before realizing that Shepard was still advancing. With a rough flip, Kaidan found himself belly down in Shepard's bed, under Shepard's weight. The man was now fumbling with his belt and Kaidan used this opportunity to crawl away.
“You're not going anywhere!” Shepard hissed and again his hand found Kaidan's hips and pulled it backward with force. He felt the bulge in Shepard's pants and a small rush of panic caught him.
“You're not going to do this!” Kaidan snarled, still not believing where this was going.
Shepard grabbed him by the hair and pulled, which caused more pain on Kaidan's skull. He felt Shepard lips at his ear and the growing bulge of the Commander pressed tight against his backside.
“You're not telling me what to do, Major!” Again, Shepard jerked forward, making Kaidan's moan involuntarily. “This is my ship! And You will do what I say!”
“Get the hell off me!” Kaidan demanded. This might be Shepard's ship, but this is still Kaidan's body. “I'm not sleeping with you right now!”
“Sassy, Major. I like that!”
Shepard's breath stank of alcohol and the smell made Kaidan sick. He struggled again, but with his arms twisted on his back and Shepard's erection on his butt, Kaidan found himself strangely weak.
“Stop this, or I swear by god, I'll....”
“Enough!” Shepard growled and his hand was back on Kaidan's throat. “You'll do what I want, Major! You'll do it willingly. And you'll do it happily! Do you understand me, Marine?”
“Shepard, stop this!”
“I asked you a question, Marine!” Shepard squeezed his throat again.
“Yes, Sir!” Kaidan had never said these words with more disgust. Though he was determinate not to be raped, he understood the nature of abuse. It mostly wasn't about sex as so many assumed. In truth, it's about power. The power to cause misery and pain. The power to control. And the power to dominate.
If Shepard really wanted to fuck him, all he needed to do was to ask. But since he didn't, Kaidan presumed that this was what the commander really was up to.
Still struggling against the idea that his boyfriend was trying to rape him, Kaidan made a last attempt to stop him, which got himself only deeper into the mess.
Shepard fist on his face didn't only hurt his skull but it also broke a little inside his chest. He'd never thought that the saviour of the galaxy could be this cruel. Not in their bedroom.
Recalling all what he'd learned about abuse and humiliation, Kaidan gave up his struggle. He knew, the more he struggled the more he'd get hurt. He let his body slacken and bit his bottom lip, hoping that this would be over soon.
Shepard snorted behind him, lips dangerously close to his neck. Somehow the idea of being kissed by Shepard right now was revolting. When the Commander ripped Kaidan's pants down along with his underwear, he closed his eyes and prepared himself for the inevitable.
It's just sex! Relax! It's just sex with Shepard. Rough maybe, but just sex! Oh shit, this hurts!
With only saliva to ease Shepard’s entry, Kaidan let out a cry of pain. The feeling inside him was all but comforting. The thrust form the same man who'd made him moan so many times was cruel tonight. No intimacy was involved, no love. Shepard pressed on and on and Kaidan only endured this by pressing his own face into the pillow.
At least, Shepard didn't punch him while he fucked him hard.
Normally, the simple thought of Shepard fucking him was enough to make Kaidan moan, but tonight his body remained unchanged. He tried to stimulate himself by taking off his uniform and thinking of all the wonderful nights he'd shared with the Commander here. But every time when a beautiful memory flashed before his eyes, the images would be chased away by the pain Shepard was causing.
Suddenly, Shepard’s hand found his neck and pulled him out of his hiding. Still gasping, Kaidan felt the man's tongue on his ear. The kisses were disgusting and Kaidan's wasn't that good at hiding it. He snorted and earned another forceful thrust from Shepard in his already sore ass.
“What, Major?” Shepard hissed at his ears, hand's moving close to Kaidan's not-aroused part. “My fucking isn't good enough for you?”
“Shepard...” Kaidan couldn't say much more. In this moment, he only wanted to kill Shepard for what he was doing to him. But knowing that killing Shepard meant nothing less than destroying the last hope the galaxy had left, he only hissed. “Just get over with this!”
“I'm far from finished,” his lover whispered with a voice full of poison. He grabbed Kaidan's hips and pushed in and out so fast, Kaidan's could hardly catch his breath.
At this time, Kaidan was grateful that he was no stranger to pain. When his agony crossed a certain limit, Kaidan's only skill to survive was to let his mind wander off the moment. He ignored the pounding Shepard was giving him and focus on what this might meant for the Commander.
After the fight on Thessia where they all lost control and suffered the humiliating defeat by a single assassin, Shepard probably was deeply in need to express his domination. The Commander always loaded so many burdens on his own shoulder; he shouldn't have to carry this one too.
With his eyes closed and mind somewhere else, Kaidan tried to convince himself, that this was the right thing to do. Though his body might be blue and purple the next morning, no damage was done which couldn't be healed with the right amount medi-gel. Except the one within his soul.
No! Shepard isn't doing this on purpose. He's not that kind of guy. He's a good man. He's only drunk and he's hurt. He needs me to be here!
Screaming inside, Kaidan vented his anger and all his frustration by thinking about how he's going to make Shepard pay when the damn war was over. No matter if he did this on purpose or not, no one deserved this. No him. Not his worst enemy.
But Shepard was the one he loved, wasn't he? Shouldn't he be there for him in any situation? Shouldn’t he do anything to help the Commander through this? Who else would do whatever was necessary? Who else if not him?
“Kaidan!” Shepard moaned behind him, ripping him out of his thoughts. “Kaidan...” Suddenly, Shepard's movements had become soft. He's pressing wasn't forceful and painful anymore. His hand's cradled Kaidan's hips and Shepard even bent down to kiss his back.
Utterly bewildered, Kaidan twisted his head to look at his torturer. When Shepard again pushed in, his eyes were only partly open. He licked his lips and moaned, but on the face Kaidan loved so much he saw no pleasure. When he looked closer, he could nearly see the hunted soul behind the mask of scars and buzz-cut.
“Kaidan, I need you...” Shepard groaned again, pressing his face in Kaidan's neck. His kisses were full of tenderness and his hips moved in a way Kaidan nearly enjoyed it.
“I love you! Kaidan, I love you!” Shepard whispered again.
“Dammit, Shepard!” Kaidan cursed, feeling Shepard's warm body against his. This was an incredibly bad time for the commander to get a change of heart. Though Kaidan hadn't stopped him so far, he was still angry. He didn't want to share tenderness with Shepard right now. He only wanted the Commander to come off so he could finally get out of here.
Shepard's grip around his waist tightened and his breath quickened. Shepard pressed his lips on Kaidan's and forced his mouth open while a tremble in Shepard's body announced his climax.
Finally!
When Kaidan managed to get out under Shepard’s body, the Commander had dozed off. Pulling his uniforms back on, Kaidan noticed all the marks and bruises on his body. If somebody saw him this way in the shower or elsewhere, he'd have a lot of explanations to do.
Sighing, Kaidan watched Shepard sleep. The Commander looked so peaceful at the moment, but Kaidan's knew it was only an illusion. When he woke up, guild of what he'd done might probably eat him alive.
Moving down to the starboard Observation again, Kaidan wondered what more would be demanded of him to save the man who was supposed to save the galaxy.