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"So how does it feel to be one of the world's biggest pop stars?"
"Uhm, kinda unreal, but, y'know... I started early so..."
"So I've heard! You debuted when you were like... what, 15? And was a trainee before that right? But not many people can say that they broke America by 22 and then basically the entire world before you're.... you're turning 25 this year?"
"Yeah... sounds.... crazy."
"Crazy is right! I mean your life must be full of crazy, right? Tell us what an average day looks like in the life of Jeon Jungkook."
"An average day? Well... it's just average."
"Oh you're hilarious--I'm sure it is to you but let us have a peek inside--what's the first thing you do when you wake up in the morning?"
(Wake up alone, cold sometimes too--wake up to a world in black and white even though the dreams were in color; watch the colors drain from right in front of my eyes till everything is washed out and then get started with my day. I'll try not to scream when I look in the mirror because some days, I can't recognize myself and other days, I won't be able to stop myself because he'll be there, right next to me, the mirage of the dream I didn't want to wake up from, standing there and I can feel the heat of his skin on my arm, can hear him, I swear he's there--and I'll scream.)
"Oh... you know, get outta bed and... wash up and stuff."
"No special rituals? No... room temperature water or lemon and honey tea? Coffee? What's breakfast look like?"
(Back when the world was still splashed in colors so bright they burned my eyes, he used to make breakfast--we used to make breakfast. Steel grain oats and berries and greek yogurt because he was such a sucker for greek yogurt; it was french toast with apple cinnamon brown sugar syrup and the comic strip from the paper, no matter where we were, we'd always get the paper. Back when the sun still shone warm, breakfast was kisses-sweet, even when we had to get up at an odd hour of the morning, he'd wake me up with a kiss. I still wake up to his kisses, he's just never there when I open my eyes.)
"Cereal or like... whatever the crew throws at me when we're running out the door."
"Oh yeah, your schedule must be all over the place.
"It is... kinda."
(It used to be crazy in a good way, crazy in a we gotta go, c'mon! and I can't believe you wore my favorite pair of underwear backwards on stage for your comeback I'm never letting you wear my underwear again kind of crazy. It used to be hurry up and kiss me, you need my good luck kiss to do well today and the bath is already running though! You can sacrifice like... half an hour of sleep to take a bubble bath right? and it used to be so, so beautiful. Back when the world still spun right, and the sun still rises, the moon too, and the stars. Back when the night sky was still full of pinpricks of dreams that sometimes Jungkook would imagine as points in their lives that connected them, like their fingers and their palms. It used to be that kind of crazy. It used to be.)
"Now, the schedule and the crazy aside, let’s talk music for a hot second, because that's what your songs are, right? Sizzlin' hot, always topping the charts whenever they drop--now, I know you write your own songs, right?"
"Yeah, most of them."
"How do you just pull out million dollar singles like that? Is there a process? Or like a secret formula for song writing?"
"Secret?"
(Yeah, here's the secret--break your heart. No, don't let it be broken, you have to break it yourself. Take it, and put it in someone else's hands, and the force that person to break your heart. That's the secret formula. Talk to any other successful artist and they'll tell you the same thing. That's it. The ultimate sacrifice. Break. Your. Heart.)
"Yeah, don't worry, we're only live in front of oh... the whole world."
"There is no secret really... just gotta write down what you feel, what your heart feels, or doesn't feel... I do what everyone else does. I'm just lucky that people like the things I write."
"Oh, there he goes, being modest again. Really though your music has undergone some pretty drastic transformations since you debuted, right?"
"Yeah, I'd like to think I've grown as an artist."
(Or something like that, because back then, I had someone to write for. Back then I had--)
"You have! We can all hear it in your lyrics! You started out in a group, right? And then went solo after a couple of years--why did you do that?"
(Because I broke my heart. Or rather, I made him do it. I cornered him, and I made him squeeze till my heart broke and I broke him too. I left because I broke him too, and I could never forgive myself for that.)
"Differences... in direction. I guess."
"Ah yes, those do change as people grow older hm? Do you still keep in contact with any of your old bandmates? They must be jealous of how well you're doing."
(Sometimes, I still get calls from Namjoon asking if I'm doing alright, or Seokjin reminding me to eat. Haven't heard from Yoongi in a really long time, the last time we talked, he barely said ten words before he said he had to go. That something was coming up and by something, I assume he meant... well. Taehyung too. And even Hoseok has gone quiet recently. I miss them. God I miss them.)
"Occasionally, I'd get a phone call or two asking how I'm doing, making sure I'm still eating. That kind of stuff."
"Aw, that's so sweet--they still care for you like one of their own."
(I wish I were, fucking god I wish I were still--)
"Some of them, yeah."
"And the others?"
(They probably hate me. Think I'm selfish. And they're right. They're so, so right.)
"Haven't talked to them in a bit, but they're still family to me."
"Aw, that's nice."
(Is it?)
"I guess."
"Now, people are all wondering, you must have someone who's been with you through all this? A girlfriend, boyfriend... you're not on the market, are you? The world might collapse if you put out the news."
(Who do you think all these songs are for?)
"Actually... I do. Boyfriend. But we had something of a bad break... and I've been, well, things have been hard."
"Oh... can I ask what happened?"
(How would that change anything? He left because I couldn't keep a promise. He left because I couldn't do the one thing that he'd wanted from me. He left because I couldn't keep my hands to myself, couldn't stop myself from getting lost in all the fame and glamor of this and then I looked him in the eye and asked him if he loved me. If he really, really loved me.)
"I... screwed up pretty badly."
"You did?"
"Yep."
"Have you spoken to him since?"
"No. We lost contact."
(I'll never forget how he looked at me, like I was a stranger, like he didn't know me anymore when I asked him if he loved me, asked him to tell me that he loved me. He's done it so many times before I don't know why didn't just shut up and let it go, shut up and gotten on my knees and begged for his forgiveness, for him to stay. I don't deserve him, I don't, but I want him back. I want everything back the way it was before I started keeping secrets and then putting the blame on him. Before I got lost in my own head and thought I could be somebody, anybody without him.)
"Well, I'm assuming you've tried to find him again?"
"Who do you think all my songs are for?"
"Aww, that's so sweet."
(It's not. It's the only way I can delude myself into thinking that he can hear me, still. It's the only way I can keep myself hoping. It's not sweet. It's pathetic.)
"I guess."
"Well if you could say one thing to him, right now, what would it be?"
(Come back. I love you. Please. I'm sorry. Come back. Just one more chance. I love you, I love you, I love you. Park Jimin. I love you.)
"Please listen to my newest single."
"Oh, there you go again, that humor of yours--but yes! Please do, everyone, not just Jeon Jungkook's elusive lost love, listen to and buy his newest single, coming this Friday--Hoping For a Miracle."