Work Text:
1)
They were yellow. No, not entirely. It was such a sickly yellow, barely teetering on the edge of being referred to as such. They were white with a pint of honey, mixed together in a way as if someone had forgotten about them, had forgotten to add more colour to make them brighter, shining, like they should be.
They were a sickly yellow, and they made Beomgyu just as sick. Beomgyu was overwhelmed. One last cough left his lips, one last petal floating to the ground gently before Beomgyu fell to his knees, frantic, scooping up the petals with his trembling hands, eyes darting through the room in an attempt to find a hiding spot.
Beomgyu eventually let them fall into an empty package-box he still had standing around from an order of books that had arrived the week before, closing the box, shoving it under his bed as if hiding them from his eyes could make him forget the truth.
Beomgyu's heart was beating up his throat and he felt like throwing up once again, but he kept his mouth closed, short breaths leaving through his nose as he pinched his eyes shut. Beomgyu was kneeling on the floor like he hadn't known this would happen, hadn't expected it.
But why were the petals such an ugly colour? It left him feeling like it wasn't meant to be.
It wasn't like Beomgyu didn't want it to happen, it was more like a mantra of why now?
There couldn't have been a time worse than this, in the middle of promotions, with fatigue and stress gripping onto him like skeletons from underneath. There couldn't have been a time worse than this, because there was no time to think about this, but Beomgyu wanted to think about this before diving into it head-first.
"Oh, Taehyun," he murmured, fist clenching his hoodie, grounding him, breathing in, breathing out.
He could still feel the warmth of the other as he had clinged onto him for comfort, giggles ringing in his ears like an echo. They were those giggles that Beomgyu got to hear so rarely and left him bleeding open oh so painfully. Because they let Taehyun's eyes shine like there was no sorrow in this world, like this moment was everything he ever wanted.
Beomgyu felt warm. Beomgyu felt sick. Beomgyu coughed up another petal. And a sudden knock on the door let Beomgyu jump up, petal being crushed between his fingers inside his hoodie's pocket.
"Is everything alright?" Taehyun peeked inside the room, not even taking the effort to fully open the door and step in, head tilted to the side as his bangs gently fell over his worried eyes.
"Yes!" Beomgyu cringed internally at the tone of his voice, "Yes, of course! I just remembered something I wanted to do and you know, before I forget it again." An awkward laugh, nose scrunching up, "I'll be right back out in a sec."
Taehyun frowned, Beomgyu smiled, heart feeling sickly yellow.
2)
"Here," Beomgyu's voice was plain, as if it was no big deal, "For you." Then he plopped down onto the armchair and watched Taehyun's eyes light up in glee. Beomgyu's chest felt warm and he couldn't suppress the smile that was threatening to break out, turning his head slightly away from Taehyun.
Taehyun distractedly swiped a stray hair behind his ear before grabbing after the Caramel Frappuccino Beomgyu had bought him on his way back from his studio.
"Thank you, Hyung!" And Beomgyu ignored the sulky eyes of Yeonjun piercing into his skin from somewhere from the other end of the room in favor of drinking up every little change in Taehyun's facial expressions.
The small happy sounds leaving Taehyun's lips as he savoured the Frappuccino let Beomgyu's muscles relax from a stressful day full of sitting still, hunched over his laptop.
Taehyun went back to his phone, attention caught by a video he was watching on there, and Beomgyu took the time to let his eyes wander over the other's appearance, lost in thoughts.
Beomgyu wasn't dumb, he understood what this was, what it entailed. But he didn't feel ready nonetheless. He still needed time.
Beomgyu needed to think, but having Taehyun in front of him every day every minute didn't help with thinking. It disturbed his thoughts with every step the other made, but Beomgyu still couldn't help but seek him out every time anew. It was a vicious cycle Beomgyu felt too exhausted to consciously try to break.
Taehyun scrunched up his nose, one corner of his mouth moving up slightly, glint in his eyes. And Beomgyu thought about how it must feel to lay his fingers there, close above his lips, feeling every little change of expression, feeling the giggles rolling through the younger's body as his eyes squeezed together in a breathless laugh.
Beomgyu's chest hurt. His heart constricted painfully and suddenly his breath hitched and then he was coughing, once, twice, deep breath in, eyes closed. The growing flowers in his lungs started to poke against the inside of the walls. It left a sharp pain run through the left side of his body, fingers twitching with the force of the shiver.
"Hyung, are you really okay? You've been coughing for a few days already now." Taehyun was concerned, Beomgyu knew. Beomgyu also knew that Soobin had been glancing at him with worried eyes for a few days already. And that didn't help with the pressure building up inside of him. At all.
Beomgyu wanted to do this at his own pace.
Beomgyu wanted,
Beomgyu wanted so much.
Beomgyu wanted to tell Taehyun that everything was gonna be fine, but nothing was and it left him gaping open. Beomgyu wanted to grab Taehyun's hands with gentle fingers and tell him that he had nothing to worry about, because it was only Beomgyu, silly little Beomgyu, but there was so much to worry about that Beomgyu couldn't even look Taehyun in the eyes without wanting to tear up, without the dread of Taehyun seeing just how much Beomgyu was fighting with himself.
"I'm fine," Beomgyu laughed, as brightly as he could, breathless, "Just choked on my own spit for a second." And then he got up to hurry to the kitchen, as slowly as he could to not call for suspicion, glass cold in his hands, blood burning underneath his skin. He swallowed the water like it was the only thing that could keep him sane, desperately trying to calm the tickling of the petals in his throat before he coughed them up right in front of Taehyun's feet.
Taehyun's eyes followed him all the way to his room before they were locked out by the wooden door and Beomgyu could breathe again.
Breathe, breathe, breathe deeply.
Swallowing, desperately trying to force the petals down again, back where they came from, but they wouldn't, couldn't. Beomgyu had a hard time breathing.
No matter how hard he tried, Taehyun's worried eyes faded back into his mind and the urge to hug him tightly, being wrapped up in his embrace and feeling safe for once for days almost swallowed him whole. Beomgyu's fingers grabbed after a pillow on his bed, knuckles white, fingers trembling as he collapsed onto the mattress and buried his head under everything he could find.
Beomgyu couldn't stop coughing.
And he hoped the pillows and door would drown out his desperate screams for help - help he didn't even want - as he frantically tried to prevent the petals from leaving his lungs, as if not being able to see them could make him forget the truth.
Beomgyu was so tired.
And when, later, Taehyun quietly placed a bottle of coughing syrup on Beomgyu's bedside table, weaving through Beomgyu's hair oh so gently, leaving a kiss right on top, Beomgyu could breathe more easily again. But then he cried, tears falling into a pool of sickly yellow, silently.
3)
Taehyun always talked about the world in the morning, when they were alone, breakfast quietly cooking in the background. Quiet heat wafted over from the stove as Taehyun leaned against it with his back, hands propped up on the counter, eyes fixated on Beomgyu with a sparkle as he talked about a new idea, a new thought that he needed to share less he imploded.
Beomgyu adored the way Taehyun seemed to know his own mind so well as he discussed his opinions, pausing occasionally to ask for Beomgyu's thoughts, humming as he listened attentively.
Taehyun always talked about the world in the morning, when both of their minds were still half asleep, eyes fogged over and movements slow and languid. When the way Taehyun fixated him with tired eyes left a tingle all over Beomgyu's body in such a pleasant way, and the way Taehyun drawled his name left Beomgyu's fingers twitch with the need to hold him gently and caress him until Taehyun overflowed with love.
Beomgyu clenched his hands around each other, deeply buried in his lap. His breaths came out shallow, but that didn't keep him from following Taehyun with his eyes as he walked to the table with their breakfast in both hands, placing the bowls down.
"Thank you," Beomgyu spoke softly, lips slightly curled up at the corners. And Taehyun stopped in his sentence, eyes lingering on Beomgyu a tad longer than usual, mind still slow despite his rapid thoughts, before moving away.
"I think we lack the environment that makes us feel safe enough to open our minds to those around us," Taehyun smiled slightly sitting down - a late reaction - while continuing his train of thoughts so boldly interrupted by Beomgyu's display of hidden affection, "It's the unconditional love that should be granted to us the moment we find ourselves on this earth that some - if not most - people are simply lacking. It's that that should give us the strength to come forth with whatever we're thinking or feeling at this moment without fear of rejection."
Beomgyu had always wondered how humans could live with something as complex as love. How could they live without hurting from the sheer possibilities that this one feeling entailed? There was nothing more complex than to love and be loved back just as fiercely. There was nothing more complex than the chance of loving and being loved back by the same person.
How could the universe be this cruel? To send love to earth and then punish people that aren't yet experienced enough to grasp this concept, to understand what it could bring and what it could take?
"It should be normal to voice out our thoughts and find support in our opposite, even if it is in the form of a good-natured discussion. It is being acknowledged nonetheless, and that is what counts, that is what makes us feel seen." Taehyun moved a scoop of rice to his mouth, humming deeply in thought, savoring every bite.
"I've always wondered how love could exist," Beomgyu didn't raise his eyes from the bowl placed in front of him, hands lying next to it unmoving, but he could feel the way Taehyun hesitated for a second because of the rather sudden interjection before continuing his action again. "How could you love? What is love? Is it two hearts intertwined so tightly that they beat as one or is it simply two people in each other's personal space calming the other just by their presence?
"I never understood how the sheer possibility of loving so deeply that it hurts could exist. Why would our body put us in this much agony? Why would evolution steer us into this direction where we can feel love that fills us with warmth but could be disrupted by agonizing pain just a second after? It's as if the universe had decided that humans didn't have enough problems already, and now we're worrying about whether to die of pain or live the happiest we could ever be."
Taehyun hadn't said a word during Beomgyu's rant, and Beomgyu felt glad. Taehyun hadn't said a word, but the way his eyes lingered on him, the way he had stopped eating to pay all of his attention to Beomgyu in the most careful way let Beomgyu realise that Taehyun had been right. Taehyun had been right all along.
Beomgyu's left hand clenched around nothing, lying on top of the table. Taehyun placed one hand above, gently tracing the trembles of Beomgyu's fingers with the tips of his own.
"I think rather the opposite. I believe the universe trusts us humans so much that it believes we can master this challenge at last. Yes, there will be pain and agony, but when will there not? There's nothing in this world that doesn't bear the possibility of bringing either joy or sorrow, but that is just how the world is. Love is just another part of it, and I believe humans could deal with it just fine." Taehyun let his head fall into his other hand, elbow propped up on the surface of the table, frown between his eyes.
"I believe humans could deal with it just fine if we had grown up with love being the norm, integrated in every part of our lives. It just comes back to what I mentioned, that we lack the environment in which this emotion has been normalised."
Beomgyu loved the way Taehyun's fingers felt so warm against his ice cold skin, still not warmed up from sleep. The gentle scraping of Taehyun's fingernails against his sensitive skin did wonders in grounding Beomgyu in the now and there before his mind could drift away again like it so often did.
Taehyun took a deep breath, and Beomgyu made the mistake to raise his eyes to encounter the ones of his opposite, filled with warmth and love and everything that overwhelmed Beomgyu just so immensely.
"Beomgyu," Taehyun frowned, a flash of sadness hushing over his eyes, "I believe that this - all of the members - is the environment in which we can voice out our feelings without the fear of rejection. I hope that you know that at least I am someone that would try to be that place." For you, was what he didn't say but Beomgyu knew lay on his tongue, as if he had figured out that the pain that was brooding so deeply inside Beomgyu was slowly eating him up.
And Beomgyu knew.
He knew, he knew, he knew.
That was what made this all so hard.
Because why was he holding back? Why was his mind holding him captive like this, like Beomgyu didn't deserve anything nice?
Beomgyu knew,
Beomgyu knew so much.
But why, then, was it so hard? Taehyun's eyes that looked at him with the warmth of another heart, breaths so deep they filled his lungs with all the air Beomgyu needed so desperately. Beomgyu's lungs felt like they were pierced from within and suddenly he couldn't breathe anymore, suddenly his every desperate gasp for air tasted like blood. It freaked Beomgyu out. Beomgyu wanted to cry and fall into Taehyun's arms and ask him to ease his pain, but it wasn't time yet. But why not?
Beomgyu's next silent bite tasted like petals and blood and strangely sickly yellow.
4)
Taehyun had dragged Beomgyu out into the real world late in the evening, when the sun hovered over the horizon and the whole world seemed to glow in a golden shimmer.
Beomgyu was tired, limbs aching from a long day of practices and an even longer day of promotions. So he was dragged along by Taehyun more than actually walking on his own two feet, with his own willpower. Taehyun's one hand was occupied with Beomgyu, his other securely holding his camera placed around his neck.
Beomgyu didn't know Taehyun's plans - the other had simply grabbed him and dragged him out of the door, out of the apartment complex, without a word. It was strange, but Beomgyu's foggy brain was too tired to think too much into it.
Eventually they reached the park, more specifically a corner that was safely tucked away from the bustling of people, illuminated prettily by the sun's rays wafting over the small blades of grass and dipping them into gold.
And Taehyun turned towards him, both hands letting go of what they had held onto so long, gently cupping Beomgyu's face in a fleeting gesture before pushing him down into the grass with a soft smile on his lips, fingers threading through Beomgyu's hair for only a second, making Beomgyu blush just a tad.
Beomgyu didn't complain about sitting.
Beomgyu also didn't complain when Taehyun started taking photos of him, gently whispering directions and compliments that almost lulled him to sleep, that filled his heart so warmly that Beomgyu almost felt at ease. It had been so long.
Beomgyu was lost in Taehyun, as the other made photos of him, all concentrated. Eyebrows pinched together hidden behind gently falling strands of hair, big eyes hidden behind the camera viewfinder, tongue slightly poking out between pressed together lips.
Taehyun looked so ethereal like this, completely lost in the things that he loved, completely lost in the way that it made him feel. It made Taehyun glow, more than the evening sun could ever illuminate another human, more than the ocean could ever glisten under the moonlight.
And Beomgyu could feel the petals tickling his lungs, making him suck in a raspy breath, quiet enough to not draw attention while Taehyun was changing positions once again. His lungs felt so full, and the flowers desperately tried to claw their way out, piercing his lungs and making him taste blood in all the wrong ways.
Beomgyu had never understood why the world would do this to someone. Bursting up someone's lungs with flowers until they couldn't breathe anymore. Was this natural selection? Getting rid of the people too useless to getting someone to love them? Beomgyu thought the world was so cruel, so cruel.
Single tears burned in the corner of his eyes and Beomgyu had to choke back a gasp for air.
Beomgyu didn't feel well, tired and drained from everything and from the way his shortness of breath wouldn't let him rest in peace.
Beomgyu didn't feel well and it must have shown in the way he slightly slumped forward, hands frantically grabbing the grass underneath in hopes that it could help him escape.
Beomgyu didn't feel well and it made his vision blurry, made blood rush in his ears so loudly that he didn't even hear the hurried steps coming his way, startling when gentle but worried fingers hovered over him, touched him lightly without knowing what to do, frantic questions coming from Taehyun and falling all around him.
Beomgyu could hear the tears in Taehyun's voice when he asked him what's wrong?
And Beomgyu needed a second to collect enough air to be able to ask Taehyun if they could walk back to the dorm. And on the way back he apologised so often, so remorsefully for spoiling Taehyun's plans, but lately Beomgyu found it hard to breathe and this lack of air just left him so exhausted.
And the petals clinging onto the walls of his throat ready to spill out let his voice sound all drowsy, so Beomgyu reassured Taehyun that he was just tired. And Beomgyu knew that Taehyun didn't believe a word he said, if the hand clutching Beomgyu's with vehemence was any indication.
Taehyun didn't want to let go of Beomgyu, in any way.
But the moment they entered the dorm, Beomgyu shook off his hand and hurried into his room, being able to lock the door behind him with his last breath as the petals he had held back so urgently fell out from between his lips, right onto the floor, coughs drowning out his desperate cries. And the sickly yellow seemed to have gotten darker, warmer, but the change was almost drowned out by the red that was glistening just on top of it. Beomgyu sobbed as he gasped for air, tears smudging the red on the yellow, making it sickly orange.
And not even now did Beomgyu take a break as he stumbled over to his bed, fumbling for the already well-known box hidden underneath it, trembling fingers almost not able to grasp it, way too weak. But the moment he had scooped the petals inside, letting them accompany the other ones, some on the verge of drying up, others fresh, he could hear the frantic knocks against the wood echoing inside his room. But Beomgyu didn't move. He couldn't bring himself to, he didn't want Taehyun to see him cry, weak and useless in this world.
Beomgyu was kneeling on the floor, hunched over, propped up on his shins, hands clenching the fabric of his trousers almost hurtfully, knuckles turning white as his eyes lingered on the fresh additions to his collection.
Why were the petals getting darker? It was like someone had finally put another spoon of honey into them, as if they had finally remembered that there was a lost heart out there, ready to be loved.
It left Beomgyu sobbing just harder, hand clasped in front of his mouth, body being racked by a mixture of coughs and cries that hurt oh so painfully.
Why was this so hard? Admitting that it was possible?
It seemed like the universe wasn't happy with only the prospect, but it also needed acceptance. And Beomgyu hated the universe so much for this, because acceptance was nothing Beomgyu had ever let himself feel for himself.
And maybe this wasn't natural selection. Maybe this was a wake-up call.
(And when Soobin walked into his room that night through the freshly unlocked door, quiet on his tiptoes as if every sound too loud could break Beomgyu's heart into pieces, and engulfed him in a warm embrace without saying anything but saying just enough, Beomgyu at least felt a bit lighter around the edges of his heart.)
5)
"Kai told me you were here." Sudden spoken words tore Beomgyu's eyes away from his desktop screen, a slight smile tugging at the corners of his lips as he watched Taehyun quietly close the door to his studio behind him, other hand occupied by what seemed to be a bag filled with food.
A fleeting thought appeared in the corner of Beomgyu's mind: Did that imply Taehyun had been looking for him? A short glance to the clock in the corner of the desktop told Beomgyu that it was the middle of the night, and he wondered again why Taehyun would be looking for him in the wee hours of the morning.
Taehyun sat down the bag in his hands on top of the little table in front of the couch, a stern look on his face as he fixated Beomgyu, making him feel small, dreadful.
"You know I don't like it when you work completely disregarding your own health," the look in his eyes softened slightly, a barely noticeable worry emerging from deep within them, "Especially since you're already so sick lately." I'm scared something could happen to you while I'm not there with you, was what he didn't say but Beomgyu knew lay on his tongue.
And Beomgyu was in love. Because Taehyun came, just for him, just for him, silly little Beomgyu.
"I'm sorry." Beomgyu wrung his hands in his lap, eventually having turned his whole body towards Taehyun with the help of the office chair.
"No, you're not. You're never sorry when it comes to yourself, because you have no regard for your own body." Taehyun's face was still turned towards him, but his eyes avoided Beomgyu's like the plague, hushing over decorations and screens and trash strewn around.
"I'm sorry I made you worry, then." A lopsided grin, a huff coming from Taehyun as he plopped down onto the couch and patted the place next to him seemingly absent-mindedly.
"Yeah, I sure hope you are."
Beomgyu understood the request, placing the over-ear headphones he had taken off of his head when Taehyun had entered the room on the table in front of him, sluggishly heaving himself up and shuffling over to the spot Taehyun had dedicated to him.
Taehyun hadn't brought anything extravagant - already heated up cup-ramen, gimbab and anything that could fill their stomachs but didn't take too much of their time to prepare.
Beomgyu could feel Taehyun's eyes lingering on him countless times over the course of their meal, but he wasn't sure if it was out of concern or something else. The easier thing was to tell himself that it was out of concern, even when Beomgyu knew that this couldn't be the whole truth.
“You look like shit, honestly,” Taehyun murmured, seemingly absent-mindedly but his eyes lay heavily on Beomgyu, waiting for any reaction, any reaction that told him that Beomgyu still got enough air to laugh, to joke around. But Beomgyu’s lips turned upside down, the tips of his fingers darting to the bags underneath his eyes almost on reflex,
and Taehyun deflated.
“Beomgyu…” The way Taehyun whispered his name, as if nothing in this world made any sense anymore, as if the sun had stopped shining and it was only his own fault, let Beomgyu wince and turn away, trying to avoid Taehyun’s eyes that dripped with worry and pain.
Beomgyu had never intended to hurt Taehyun like this.
Why was Taehyun hurting like this?
Cold fingers wafted over the skin under Beomgyu’s eyes, hesitating, as if any touch could break Beomgyu’s heart into pieces.
“Beomgyu, you need to take a break, you need to rest,” Taehyun whimpered, although he desperately tried not to, Beomgyu knew, “Please.”
And this time it wasn’t Beomgyu’s lungs that left his body trembling with pain, it was his heart.
So Beomgyu took a raspy breath, put all of his food away and gently grabbed Taehyun, pulled him into a hug, lowered them onto the couch so that they could lie down and rest and feel safe in each other’s embrace.
“I’m sorry,” Beomgyu whispered, voice trembling, face buried in Taehyun’s chest as the other snaked his arms around him. And Beomgyu didn’t even know what he was apologising for - for worrying him, for not taking care of himself, for not letting him inside, or simply for being like this.
It didn’t matter. Because Taehyun understood.
“Thank you.”
And Beomgyu didn’t even know what he was thanking Taehyun for - for worrying about him, for coming to see him in the middle of the night, for always being there for him no matter what, or simply for the meal.
It didn’t matter. Because Taehyun always understood.
Taehyun felt like home. A home that Beomgyu had grown into, leaving his own traces everywhere together with Taehyun’s. A home that Beomgyu had found to welcome him whenever he needed a safe space, whenever he needed to calm down.
Taehyun felt like home, so Beomgyu didn't know what was holding him back. Were the glances Taehyun gifted him not enough? But then, why were the petals still there? Beomgyu hated feeling sick like this, like he had no control over his own body.
The world was so cruel.
The world was so cruel for filling his lungs with flowers and making his loved ones worry like that. It hurt like hell.
“Beomgyu.”
Suddenly there was a hand above his chest, above his lungs, wedged in between their bodies, shaking with every raspy, shallow breath Beomgyu sucked in. And he buried his face even deeper in Taehyun’s chest that lifted so evenly, that felt so normal in a way that shouldn’t bring Beomgyu to tears.
The hand on his chest clenched slightly, fingers burying themselves into the cloth of his hoodie as if that could help Beomgyu breathe, as if that could keep him alive.
“Beomgyu, please.” And Beomgyu didn’t know what Taehyun was begging for, but the tears in his eyes clouded his judgement.
“I’m so scared,” for you, was what he didn't say but Beomgyu knew lay on his tongue. “Please tell me what’s wrong,” I care about you, so much. “It hurts me inside to see you like this,” you mean so much to me it hurts. “Please let me help you”, I feel so helpless.
Taehyun sobbed and Beomgyu’s heart broke into pieces, shards piercing his lungs, making him cough up blood that tasted like treason and everything cruel.
“I wake up every day, scared, wondering if you made it through the night.” Whose heart was it, that was beating so frantically? "And you also don't let me into your room anymore, and I've never felt so helpless before."
The hand on his chest started to tremble. Beomgyu fastened his hold around the other, hands brushing over Taehyun’s back in an attempt to hush him. But it was so hard to guide his hands that were so weak from the lack of air and all the power he put into holding back from coughing up everything that obstructed his lungs, to not make Taehyun worry even more.
“I’m sorry, ” Beomgyu spoke, voice muffled and out of breath.
“No, you’re not,” Taehyun sobbed back, shaking his head frantically.
“I’m sorry for making you worry, then,” Beomgyu tried again, eyes pressed closed, desperate.
“Then let me help you.”
I can’t.
And I don’t know why.
+1)
Beomgyu was washing the petals, to make them look at least a little bit presentable.
The yellow seemed to shine as Beomgyu rubbed over them with his thumbs and water, only some of them being disrupted by the blood clinging onto them menacingly. And the sink slowly lost its white colour as the water turned into a burgundy sky and single tears planted stars into the midst of it, fraying at the edges.
Beomgyu thought the world was so cruel. It was either dying, dying or living. It was dying holding back, drowning in a sea of petals, dying being rejected, heart being pierced by thorns growing at a rapid pace, or living.
Living being loved.
Beomgyu knew there was no choice but to try. Because why die not even trying, if there was a 50% chance of success? The universe urged him to act, and Beomgyu didn't like this at all, being told what to do. But Beomgyu also wanted to live.
This thought was overwhelming, but definite.
This thought had urged Beomgyu into the bathroom, door locked behind him, water of the sink running endlessly as he tried to make the petals look more pretty than cruel, cruel like they really were.
And Beomgyu didn’t know why he was so scared of tearing them when they have brought nothing but pain.
Beomgyu didn’t know why he thought it would be a good idea to give them to Taehyun. It was cruel, even in his own eyes, baring himself like this, giving away what has destroyed him from within all this time.
Would this be too much? Bestowing a burden as heavy as this onto Taehyun?
But Beomgyu believed, was sure, that Taehyun would embrace this, would tell him that it was okay and that everything was going to be okay, because that was what Taehyun has always done.
So Beomgyu was washing his petals, to make them look at least a little bit presentable when he dumped them onto Taehyun just like this.
And he dried them and put them in a box he had specifically bought for this, mouth stretching into a frown for making something cruel like this seem so harmless and beautiful.
Taehyun looked at him a bit weirdly when Beomgyu walked into his room with a box in his hands, fingers clenching around it as if he didn’t want to let go of it but also didn’t want to hold it in the first place just in equal parts, and just stopped in front of him, looking down at him without saying a word.
And Beomgyu hesitated.
How would this turn out? Beomgyu was unsure.
And Taehyun looked up at him with those big confused eyes, and Beomgyu sat down next to him on the bed, eyes fixated on the box in his lap.
How would this turn out? Beomgyu looked up, unsure eyes meeting a worried gaze.
What do I have to do to show you just how much I like you, how much I adore you, how much you mean to me?
Beomgyu took a deep breath, eyes never leaving Taehyun’s. Because he knew that he would back down the moment he did. Because looking at Taehyun made this more real, and not in Beomgyu’s head.
So Beomgyu took another deep breath and simply opened the box, eyes never leaving Taehyun’s face, looking for any indicator that he went too far, stepped over a line that was not meant to be crossed.
Taehyun’s eyes slowly wandered downwards, and the moment his eyes met the glowing yellow of the petals, his confused eyes glazed over with pain, pain and pain and tears.
And Beomgyu was panicking. Why was Taehyun breaking down in front of him like it hurt him more than anything ever had? Why were his eyes dripping with tears and his body shaking with pain as if the pain could kill him just like this?
“Beomgyu,” Taehyun sobbed, left hand frantically trying to wipe away the tears painting his cheeks like the ocean, right hand hovering over the petals as if touching them could hurt him even more, even more than this.
“I love you,” Beomgyu breathed out, lower lip trembling, eyes blurring but never leaving Taehyun’s face that was filled with so many emotions that it overwhelmed Beomgyu, so much.
“Why would you let yourself suffer in the quiet like this?” Taehyun sobbed again, fingers clenching around nothing before shutting the box, taking it out of Beomgyu’s hands and putting it aside as if the sight alone hurt but ripping them apart would hurt even more.
“I love you,” Beomgyu breathed out again, his now empty hands twitching with the desire to gently cup Taehyun’s face, to wipe away the tears that shouldn’t be there, because love shouldn’t hurt like this.
“You’re way too stubborn for your own good.” Taehyun sucked in a shaky breath, eyes wandering upwards again, staring into Beomgyu’s eyes with the utmost care, and Beomgyu’s heart felt lighter. Beomgyu’s heart felt lighter and his lungs felt lighter and taking breaths suddenly felt lighter and why didn’t it hurt anymore?
“I love you,” Beomgyu whimpered, hands finally settling on Taehyun’s cheeks, wiping away the tears that felt hot on his skin, “So much it hurts.”
What irony.
Taehyun sobbed, eyes trembling, his own hands coming up to his face to cover Beomgyu’s.
Taehyun didn't want to let go of Beomgyu, in any way.
“You idiot,” Taehyun whispered as his crying slowly started to ebb away. There was no venom in his voice, only gentle care and adoration and love.
“You idiot, I love you too.”
A soft smile painted itself on Beomgyu’s lips, eyes turning into crescents. And finally everything seemed to make sense again. Finally his whole body felt lighter, still exhausted but in a way that he thought could go away when he slept enough, when he slept in Taehyun’s arms with his head on his chest and heartbeat gently lulling him to sleep.
“I love you,” Beomgyu whispered again, just because the way it left his lips and the way it made Taehyun’s eyes sparkle with adoration felt so good.
Taehyun placed one hand on top of Beomgyu’s chest, just atop his lungs, and Beomgyu could see the way his hand didn’t shake but lifted evenly and sank evenly once again.
“But don’t think I’m not still mad at you for making yourself suffer like this when it could have been easier from the start,“ Taehyun’s voice was stern but his eyes carried no anger, “Why would you let love hurt you like this?”
Beomgyu smiled, sadly, warmly, pulling Taehyun closer because Taehyun could never be close enough.
“I love you,” and Taehyun understood, Beomgyu knew he would, “so much.”
And Beomgyu connected their lips in a kiss, gentle and warm and full of adoration. And Taehyun melted into him like there was nothing in this world that mattered more than the way Beomgyu held him so tenderly, than the way they shared their warmth and love like it always should have been.
Beomgyu still thinks the world is so cruel. (And Taehyun understands.)