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tsukasa found himself sitting alone, knees stinging as if he had skinned them. it was dark, and empty, as if a void had swallowed him whole. perhaps it had. he felt his mouth moving, his vocal cords vibrating, but no sound reached his ears. his mind was foggy; none of his thoughts were coherent. he couldn't string together a complete sentence.
and then the floor opened up below him.
he was falling, face down, towards a sea. it was bright and shimmery with loud colors screaming at him. he didn't know if he was screaming or not. all he heard was laughter. mocking him. patronizing him. it filled his senses, overwhelming him to the point of his eyes stinging. he wanted to rip his head off his body, claw at his arms until his thoughts stopped, hurl himself against the wall over and over and over.
he was so absorbed in his thoughts that he didn't notice when the water surrounded him. the sticky, warm substance surrounding him only worsened his state, until his throat bled from his silent cries and his limbs ached from pushing himself to the brink of destruction as he fought to find an answer.
an answer to what? what was he even looking for anymore? the virus? his feelings? that uncertainty at the back of his mind asking constantly why he cared? everyone could leave him in an instant. he wouldn't argue or struggle if they did. he was loud, obnoxious, self-centered, so stupid stupid stupid stupid stupid.
he tore his limbs from his body, the pain barely even felt beneath his thoughts, his doubts, his fears and hatred of himself, and the buzzing in his head that wouldn't go away. he couldn't even hear the laughter anymore. pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic.
it was loud, surrounding him and choking him until he couldn't breathe. he tasted iron. his entire body burned with pain.
when did his life take a turn? was it middle school, when he was excluded from everyone because all he was known for was his sickly sister?
i wouldn't touch him. i hear his sister has the virus.
ew! he's probably contaminated.
he'll make you sick with it.
was it when he was a child, seeing a play with his sister?
tsukasa!!! i wanna make people smile, just like they do! let's do it together!
was it when he found saki collapsed in the middle of the night, skin pale as the dead and eyes devoid of light?
i feel bad... tsukasa, help me...
was life worth it? his memories swirled in his head, never-ending as they replayed countless times, tormenting him. he just wanted everything to stop. how long had he been choking? everything felt heavy around him, weighing him down as he sank to the bottom of the sea. dark spots flickered through his vision. the buzzing was unbearable. he was overheating, boiling alive. the laughing was back. he despised his existence.
his eyes flew open. he could hear himself again. he felt the blanket over his body, too hot over his sweaty form. he threw off his blanket and sat up. right, he was home. a nightmare. he had... a nightmare. the cool air latching onto him was welcome as he just focused on breathing. in, out, in, out, in... out.
eventually, his breathing evened out, the panic subsiding. he felt like a little child again, waking from a restless dream but not having the option to wander to his parent's side. don't bother them. saki is more important.
despite the hour being too early to properly arise, tsukasa was definitely not going to be able to fall back asleep, so he rose from bed. he could vaguely hear the breathing of the other four in the room. they all slept so soundly. it made tsukasa jealous.
he crept to the kitchen, steps light to avoid waking his roommates up. his mind wandered as he got a glass to fill with water. what was his nightmare even about? he sighed, head starting to pound. he sat at the table, sipping at his water as he tapped his fingers on the wood. he forgot his glasses back in his room, too occupied with his mind to spare a thought about grabbing them. as such, it takes him a moment to realize someone is in the room with him.
when his mind finally puts together that the dark figure is, in fact, not just the shadows, he jumps up. his chair is knocked to the floor, and he winces. the figure visibly jumps as well, a small gasp reaching tsukasa's ears. they fumble along the wall until they find the light switch and flip it on. tsukasa is blinded for a moment, and he instinctively covers his face. once his head is no longer spinning from the sudden light, he lowers his arms and is unable to keep a smile from spreading across his face.
"rin, what are you doing up?"
"kasa!!!" the girl immediately springs over to him, a glimmer shining in her eyes. she picks up the chair and rightens it, tsukasa mumbling a quiet thanks to her. she always seemed to be one step ahead of him all the time. "you'll be lucky if that didn't wake anyone up! honestly, i could ask the same thing of you. what are you doing up?"
tsukasa winced slightly at her words, chewing on the side of his mouth. he hoped no one woke up from his loud self. loud loud loud loud loud loud. however, he hid his reaction as she turned to look up at him. he offered her a shrug, picking up his glass to take a sip before responding. "woke up thirsty. i thought i'd get some water before heading back to sleep." as he spoke, he felt his vocal cords vibrate with the hum of his words. his voice sounded too loud in his ears, echoing through the empty kitchen. why couldn't he just control his volume? everyone else was capable of it, even emu! on top of that, all he could think about his response was how bullshit it was. he couldn't just admit to having a nightmare though.
yes, i suffer from nightmares, even now! i should be able to quickly calm down from them since i need sleep for my job, but even if i can't remember the details of the nightmare, i'm kept awake for hours! pathetic, isn't it? pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic pathetic i'm pathetic.
his thoughts weren't fair. rin didn't know; she was probably also in here for some water. it wasn't fair that tsukasa felt a bitter feeling rising in his chest. he came back from his rambling mind to find rin in the middle of a sentence. he felt regret for missing part of what she was saying, and he quickly tuned back into the conversation.
"-although, i don't know who all would relate. i mean, i know that kaito has to deal with the thought of both luka and miku having the virus, but he also has meiko to help take care of them both and be there for him. so many people i know have someone they care about that's infected... they all have someone else there. and i guess i have people now, but... growing up, it was just me and len." rin looked up at him, rubbing at the base of her neck shyly. "sorry, i didn't mean to ramble on so much. you're probably ready to go back to bed. i need to get back too."
rin turned to go back to her, miku, and len's room, her words still turning in tsukasa's head. without putting much thought into it, he called for her to wait. she did, turning back to look at him. tsukasa paused, trying to find some way to start talking. he didn't truly know what he wanted to say, but he wanted- no, he needed to say something.
"ah, um... sorry, i don't mean to hold you up, but..." rin waved her hand at him to show it was fine without interrupting. that made tsukasa smile. he cleared his throat and continued, "i know it feels like you're still alone because these people don't really understand, but... um, my sister, saki, she and i were very close when we were young. i promised her that we'd be performers together, bringing smiles to everyone's faces. it was her, and my, biggest dream. but..." tsukasa's smile fell, and he forced himself to move to the sink, beginning to wash his cup. rin moved over to his side, quietly waiting for him to find the words to continue. however, judging by her expression, she seemed to already understand what he was about to say. when he finished drying the dish and put it in the cabinet, he sat at the kitchen island. rin seated herself next to him.
"but?"
her voice gave him the courage to continue speaking. "not all dreams... come true. i guess that's life. we were still young when she got sick. when... she got the virus. honestly, it changed my entire life. i decided to pursue being a doctor, to save people like her because i couldn't save her back then. i'm so lucky she has her friends there for her, to help look after her now. so that..." history doesn't repeat. tsukasa cleared his throat, shaking his head. "what i mean is... i understand your jealousy of those that have people there for them. when saki got sick, i had no one. i... was bullied in school. everyone laughed because of my sick sister. it's horrible how cruel people are. i still struggle to come to terms with it all."
he leaned back slightly, turning to look at rin. she had unshed tears in her eyes, but... they didn't seem to be the sad type. it was more so... she looked relieved that someone understood her. he reached over to ruffle her hair, and she protested lightly.
"tsukasa!!!"
"sorry, sorry," he chuckled, withdrawing his hand. "i know it seems like you're alone sometimes, but you're not. you've got someone who understands your feelings right here. and you've got a better family now too! all of us... we're here for you, rin."
rin sniffled, wiping at her eyes. "y'know, you're not that bad at this. are you sure you never wanted to be a therapist?" the two laughed, falling into each other's arms. "thank you for talking to me... and for sharing that. it must've been hard."
tsukasa nodded, resting his chin on her head. "it still is. i think you'd like saki. you two would get along." he leaned back to look down at the girl, a big smile spreading across his face. "how about this weekend, i take you and len to saki and her friends' house?"
he decided everything in the world, his pain and suffering and nightmares and heartache, everything was worth it, just for rin's grin at that suggestion. "yes!!!! i wanna meet her! and her friends!!!! what are they like, tsukasa?"
tsukasa breathed out a laugh, squeezing her cheek. "hey, calm down. you still need to get back to bed. kaito will have my head in the lab tomorrow if you don't get enough sleep!"
she stuck her tongue out at him but complied, sliding off the stool to go back to bed. "okay! thank you again, tsukasa... you're an amazing brother, and friend." she smiled at him, the corners of her eyes crinkling. "we're all lucky to have you."
tsukasa was lucky she turned away because he doubted he could've hit the tears that welled up in his eyes. "goodnight, little sis."
upon returning to his room, tsukasa blindly made his way back to bed. he heard shuffling across the room, pausing to make sure no one awoke from his movements. he glanced around at each bed, a smile spreading uncontrollably. as his eyes adjusted to the dark, he could see emu sprawled out like a starfish. he wasn't sure where her blanket went. nene was curled up, a book beside her on her pillow. rui was underneath the covers entirely, just a lump to the outside world, and mizuki was curled up similarly to nene. tsukasa could vaguely see the shape of a new dress at the end of mizuki's bed. no doubt that they'd force him to try it on tomorrow.
(he used 'force' lightly; he'd likely just let them have their way. he didn't mind wearing dresses at all. it was all worth it to see a big smile light up their face. plus it was comfy.)
tsukasa crawled underneath his blanket, eyelids drooping already. his exhaustion caught up to him quickly, and he fell asleep without much struggle.
he slept peacefully for the first time in a while, comforted by the thoughts of his family.