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Zade and I park up in front of the entrance hall at the safe house compound.
I chew nervously up on my lip and squint through the windshield at the overcast skies. God, why am I so nervous? It’s not like I haven’t been here before.
“You know what happens when you bite your lip, Addie.” Zade’s murmur breaks the silence we’ve held the entire car ride here.
I look across at him and see his hands still gripping the steering wheel vehemently. But his glorious white black eyes are trained on my lips. I let my bottom lip go, slowly. He groans and shifts in his seat. My own eyes dart to his jeans involuntarily. I lock eyes with him again and my cheeks burn under his stare.
“It’s a nervous tick,” I offer as an excuse. He knows this about me.
“And I’ve told you before,” he almost growls. “If you’re nervous let me know, baby. I have ways to ease some of that tension.” He licks his lips like he’s about ready to eat. And I’m the meal.
“There are a bunch of sexual assault survivors walking around here. The last thing they need is to accidentally see us going at it through the car windows.” I scold him pulling my leather jacket around myself tighter. Well, really it’s Zade’s leather jacket. I grabbed it on the way out the door because it was colder than I expected. It smells of him and I fucking love it.
“The windows are tinted,” he persists with an evil grin. This man is desperate and with what we’re here to do I can understand why. He’s pent up with tension too.
He has spent months on the phone and emailing back and forth to get to this moment and we’re not even done yet. Zade likes instant gratification and so this is taking its toll on him. The moment I accepted and agreed to go ahead with this he was on the phone with Ruby straight away. However, the legal system required us to jump through a lot of hoops first, much to Zade’s dismay. But we’ve made it to the home stretch and we can finally ask her today.
I glance out the window again and towards the office building where I know Ruby has her waiting for us. I look back at Zade and sigh.
“She’s waiting for us,” I say simply. His face shifts instantly from a sinister grin to a warm smile.
“You’re right, let’s go.”
He squeezes my hand one more time before stepping out and coming around the car to open my door for me.
“Ready?” He asks me with a raised eyebrow.
“What if she says no?” I express my concerns taking his hand and beginning the short walk up the stairs.
Zade rolls his eyes, “Have you met her? She’s not going to say no.”
We step into the small entryway made of all warm orange wood and spy the meeting room a few doors down the hall ahead of us.
“This just feels so much more real, you know? She could say no, it’s her choice remember it’s all about the freedom to make their own choices now they’re out.” I go on, keeping my voice in a hushed tone.
“Well then,” Zade grabs my shoulders and leans his face down in front of mine to look me in the eye. “We’ll have to wait until another lost soul doesn’t find my creepy eyes and scars scary… like she didn’t.”
I sigh again. I know he’s right. I swallow the fear and try to tell myself this is just like any other time we’ve come to visit her. She knows us, it’s going to go fine. It’s funny, I can walk into a room full of hulking men with guns and take them down one by one, but this? This is making me more on edge.
Now that Sibby is out of the picture, or rather ‘missing in action’, we have more room in our lives. Parsons Manor has never felt empty, with the ghosts that take up tenancy where ever they please. The house check was the one thing Zade had been really worried about. I might be impervious to the ghosts that walk the halls but Zade stated that he had been plagued by them from the moment he started to move in. Maybe it was just my predecessors watching out for me and giving him a hard time, I don’t know. But luckily the harsh, tightly wound, suit-wearing woman who came to assess us in the house seemed to be none the wiser. That or the ghosts had taken the day off for whatever reason. I practically grew up in that house, the walls so well known like the skin on the back of my hand, and I never felt any malfeasance from the spirits that haunted the place. Not until after my Nana died anyway. He took some convincing that we should remain there and not find a new house to impress them with. In the end, he knew I would never leave the Manor.
Zade quickly places a peck on my lips and I hungrily reach up to deepen it. I allow him to pull me out of my thoughts this time. His mouth parts for me, his breath filling my mouth as if I need him like air. I hum with the taste of him grounding me. His hands pull at the fabric on my waist tugging me to him. He is being restrained, I can tell.
“I’m gonna have to stop you right there,” Ruby’s voice chuckles.
I rip myself from his hold and straighten my shirt from where it had begun to ride up. Ruby just shakes her head at us and waves a hand forward.
Zade clasps his hand around mine once more and we enter the small meeting room with two large windows letting the sunlight stream in over the comfy couches. It makes the room feel warm and cozy. And there perched on the back of the couch staring out the window is Sarah. 6 years old with her blonde hair twisted into two plaits, and she wears a yellow sundress with small blue flowers along the hem. She is in complete contrast to Zade and me in our head-to-toe black outfits. But she is the sunshine we need. Sunshine in this bad weather, in this room making it feel so full and in our home to chase away the darkness there too.
Zade goes to her first.
“Hello, little one.” He whispers in her ear as she hasn’t heard us come in. She spins immediately recognising his voice and throws her tiny arms around his neck. He scoops her up into a cuddle and my heart swells at the sight of his smile while he holds her. Every time.
“Zadey,” She cries with a big grin on her face. “Ruby wouldn’t tell me who we were waiting for, I thought I might see out the window.”
“Just us,” I say coming up to place a loving hand on her back as she sits in Zade’s arms.
She turns towards me and pulls me in for a group hug. I laugh lightly, all my worries from before disappearing at that moment and stare into her little brown eyes.
“Just Zadey and Addie,” She whispers nuzzling into my neck.
We stand in our embrace for a brief moment before Zade clears his throat and bends to place her back on her feet. I catch his eye for a second and the emotion on his face is unreadable.
“We have something to ask you,” Zade says never one to beat around the bush. We all sit down on the couch, Ruby in a chair at the table in the corner.
“What’s that?” Sarah asks looking up at him.
Zade looks at me and then back at her. This is it, I tense.
“Would you want to come and be a part of our family?” He asks finally. “Live with us, permanently?”
Sarah is quiet for a beat but her little face is focused wholly on Zade and I can’t read her expression the way he is right now. A small smile tugs at the corner of his mouth and my heart clenches.
“Would that mean…” She pauses and turns around to face me. Her eyes look like there's been a light switched on that I had never noticed was out before. I try to make my face relax and look welcoming. “You’d be…” She goes on looking back to Zade. This is so drawn out that my nerves are shot. “You’d be my Daddy?” She asks her voice going up in excitement.
“Yes,” Zade nods and his returning smile is breathtaking. I bite the inside of my cheek as his eyes flick to mine. The confusing emotion I’d seen there was replaced wholly by pride.
“If you want me to be,” He says at the end leaving her a choice.
“Yes!” She bounces up onto her knees and throws her arm around his neck again. She bounces up and down in his arms.
“Alright little bunny,” Zade is completely unaffected by her throwing her weight into him like that but he chuckles and returns the hug.
“I knew,” She stills and mumbles into his shoulder so I can barely hear. “I knew when you came and got me. You got me for good.”
Zade visibly chokes and lifts his eyes to meet mine. My eyes burn and I have to blink to hide the tears from forming any further.
“Yes, little one. For good.” He murmurs in her ear brushing her braid with his larger fingers.
She finally pulls back and looks at me, her brown eyes lighter, like a curtain had been removed from behind them.
“And Addie will be there too?” She asks almost surprised.
“If you’d like that,” I offer.
“Yeah,” She nods. “I think that would be cool.”
I smile back at her broadly and without even needing to breathe I feel a million times lighter. Like the air is somehow purer.
“When do we go?” She asks, looking to Ruby for answers.
“Well not today, sweetie,” Ruby replies. “But soon you can go out and spend a night at their house and then come back and decide if you want to stay with them permanently.”
I swallow back my nerves again at the thought but I want her to have all the chances to change her mind if she wants to. This is her life, her freedom.
Sarah’s shoulders slump and a pout forms on her lips.
Zade places his hands on her shoulders and turns her to him. “Little bunny, listen to me.” His tone is firm but warm. “We want you in our lives but it might feel a bit strange and new for you for a bit. We just want to give you time to process it all. It’s a big change, honey bunny.”
Sarah’s face lifts to meet his and she relaxes into his hold. “I don’t want to be the only one in my family anymore. I want to go home with you guys.”
After Sarah had arrived at the safe house Zade’s team obviously looked into finding out about if her parents were still alive. They found Sarah’s mother had died of an overdose a few months after Sarah's abduction was reported by a now-deceased grandmother. Turns out she had sold Sarah to get a big pay out which she continued to blow on drugs. Sarah was 4 years old. She had suffered for a year before Zade got her out. No father was listed on her birth certificate. Perhaps part of the reason why she has clung so badly to Zade.
“You will,” I say earnestly hoping to alleviate some of her stress. I stand and offer her my hand to take. “Come on, let's go play in the garden while they do boring paperwork stuff.”
She takes my hand eagerly climbing off the couch.
I pause in the doorway and glance back at Zade for a second. He beams at us both with the sun peaking out from behind the clouds casting him in a golden light. A god shining down on my own personal God in this moment. I take a mental picture for myself to dream about later.
🌹
“What do you think?” I ask as Sarah climbs out of the back seat.
We had to go and buy a booster seat on our way to pick her up. Everything else was ready for her arrival but somehow the thought of her actually being in our car hadn’t crossed our minds until it was happening.
“I LOVE IT!” She squeals running up the front porch steps and turning around to face us. She takes in the view of the trees sweeping out towards the bay.
I smile pleased with her reactions so far and make my way to open the front door. I throw a look over my shoulder at an unusually quiet Zade. Probably hoping that the ghosts keep themselves tucked away this weekend like I am.
Sarah bounds in past me, her bright red skirt creating a stark contrast to the monochromatic interior of the house. Her pink ballet flats twist on the black and white chequered flooring as she stares up at the tall ceilings in wonder.
“Wow.” She whispers, humbled. “You guys live in a castle.”
I laugh pleased with her assessment. “Not quite, but it’s home. Go have a look around.”
Zade watches her intently while slipping an arm around my waist as we watch her explore the kitchen from afar.
“What are you thinking?” He leans into my ear and my spine tingles.
“I’m thinking how surreal it is, that there is a little bunny hopping about our house suddenly.”
“I know,” I can feel his smile against my jaw but I can’t tear my eyes off of her. “I didn’t think it would ever happen. All that damn paperwork.”
“Good things come to those who wait.” I chuckle as Sarah rounds the banister of the staircase in a twirl.
“Can you show me the upstairs?” She asks and butter would melt. In fact, butter in the form of Zade does melt. He quickly kisses my cheek before stepping up and following after her.
“Would you like to see your room?” He asks looking up at her with a massive grin on his face.
“My room?!” She squeaks before running the rest of the way up.
I shake my head and follow upstairs after them. Down the hall from our own room, we refurbished another one of the vacant bedrooms into hopefully Sarah’s dream room. We left Sibby’s room untouched and neither of us had to say out loud why.
I stand in the doorway and watch Sarah flit about touching everything with her fingertips. The plush pink duvet, the white metal bedframe, the clothes and tutus hung in her closet, the gossamer curtains, the table of colour pencils, the books on her shelf and the basket of soft toys.
“That’s mine?” She points at the bed.
“Yep, built it myself,” Zade states crossing his arms over his chest. I roll my eyes at the memory of that night as he struggled to read the Ikea instructions and caved and asked for my help.
“I get my own room.” She struggles with the words in her mouth. Her arms fall to her sides and a big sigh leaves her chest before she flings her arms around Zades legs.
“Hey, hey,” Zade crouches to her height. “What’s wrong, little bunny?” He rubs her shoulders as she wipes at the tears falling on her chubby cheeks.
My heart falls at the sight and I’m by her side in less than two strides.
“I never had my own room before.” She manages around her shaky breathing. “I sleep in the dorm with ten other girls. And before that…” She trails off.
“Shh, honey bunny,” I say wrapping her up in a hug. “I know,” I never want her to remember that before. Zade and I have both talked about how we hope she is young enough to give such an amazing life that it outshines her shaded past. But for now, everything is new and it will take time. Of all people, I know that best.
“Sometimes I wake up in the night,” She admits as she straightens and wrings her fingers in her lap looking down.
“Me too,” I say and she looks up at me through wet lashes. Sarah knows from Ruby and the others at the safe house that I went through similar things to her. She knows I’m a survivor too. She had said “But you’re a pretty princess, nothing bad happens to them.” I laughed darkly and responded, “Even princesses get locked up in a tower sometimes.”
“I tell you what, you can come into our room at night if you wake up, or we could even sleep on the floor in here with you until need. How does that sound?” Zade suggests.
Sarah laughs and points at the fluffy green circle rug in the centre of the room. “You are too tall Zadey to sleep on the carpet. You won't fit!”
We all laugh together at that but Zade I know would suffer any amount of uncomfortable nights sleep for this tiny girl standing before us.
🌹
Zade rolls over in our big bed and breathes softly against my neck. We finally climbed into bed after reading endless amounts of books to Sarah before saying good night to her. We tried to stay downstairs and have a drink but neither of us could stand to be so far, not be able to hear her call out if she needed. Zade only insisted about a million times that she must call out in the night for anything, for any reason and he’ll come running. I rolled my eyes, another thing that he’ll go running for.
I snuggle into him further and let out a contented sigh. Something about knowing Sarah is under the same roof feels complete. Ever since we decided to adopt her she's been a missing fragment of our lives I didn’t notice until now. I feel so full.
Zade hums and rocks his hips into me from behind, his hand reaches around and grabs my jaw turning me to face him. He plants a soft kiss on my waiting lips.
“Motherhood suits you,” He says against my lips.
“What makes you say that?” I ask, my stomach lurches at the anxiety that I’ll be a crappy mother. I push away the thoughts for now. I’m happy, she’s here, and we are taking it one day at a time.
“At dinner when you were helping her with her spaghetti.” He chuckles at the memory. “I couldn’t help but think that your thumb wiping the sauce from her cheek looked natural. Like you’d always been doing it since the day she was born.”
My heart aches at the thought that I couldn’t have been there to do something as simple as clean her face in the past. How many meals did she have sticky cheeks?
He kisses me again distracting my thoughts from the road they were drifting to. His fingers ghost lightly over my exposed skin, the silk of my nighty riding up as he reaches between my thighs.
A small moan escapes my lips and I reach behind me to hold onto him as well. Expert fingers dip in between my folds and the moment he strokes my clit, my back arches in pure pleasure.
“Do you like that?” He breathes against my neck, kissing and sucking and nibbling.
“Uh-huh,” I nod as I start to lose my breath and his hand isn’t even around my neck yet.
Before long I can feel the pleasure building to an awe-inspiring wave.
“Keep quiet, little mouse,” He whispers as he can feel my inner walls clenching around his fingers, his thumb rubbing in tight circles until the monster inside me is writhing to be let out.
I want to moan his name and scream out for God so badly, but I know I can’t.
“Let’s see how good you can be,” He murmurs against the hot and sweaty skin of my neck. He curls his fingers at just the right angle.
A small whimper escapes my lips and before I can say or do anything Zade’s large hand is clamping down over my mouth and nose.
“Not good enough, Adeline.” He admonishes leaning up to glare down into my hooded eyes. His black-and-white stare pierces me with a challenge. I try to suck in a breath to steady myself again but he’s blocking my airways and the pleasure in my core spikes.
He continues rubbing and fucking me with his other hand while my chest tightens and I can feel my vision starting to blur at the edges. Right as I think I’m about to pass out he removes his hand from my face. The rush of air to my lungs is such an overwhelming sensation that it is my undoing and I come hard. I gasp but trying to focus on not making a sound has my orgasm rolling over me for so long . My body thrashes inside Zade’s hold trying to release what I can’t audibly. Slowly I come down from my high and turn to drape my limbs lovingly across Zade’s shirtless body. His sweatpants are hot but my legs feel slick with sweat anyways so I’m grateful for the barrier.
We lay there quietly for a moment and Zade kisses my hair. “So you can be a quiet little mouse when you need to be,” He chuckles darkly.
🌹
I’ve long since gotten used to the activity that only seems to be louder at night than it is during the day in this house but for some reason tonight my senses are on high alert.
A creak in the hallway floorboards startles me awake.
I’m facing away from the doorway looking out the balcony windows. The moonlight shines in casting the room in a pale grey light.
“Daddy?” A small voice comes from right at the foot of the bed. My heart leaps into my throat, I hadn’t even heard her open the door. She could give Zade a run for his money with that kind of stealth.
“Daddy?” She tries again louder and tugs on his foot hidden under the covers.
I lean up on my elbows and turn to her so she knows I’m awake.
Zade wakes, sniffs and reaches an arm out for her to come to him. She practically runs to his side of the bed but stops short of his embrace.
“I had a bad dream,” She says with a slight wobble to her voice.
“Come here, bunny.” He whispers and pulls back the sheet for her to climb in next to him.
She doesn’t waste a single second for him to rescind the offer, as if he ever would, and clambers up onto the bed beside him.
“Addie,” She murmurs. And it's like a request that he immediately answers, shifting so she can slip in the middle between us both.
“Shh, I’m here,” I say wrapping an arm around her as we both settle in. I look over her small shoulder covered in bunny pyjamas and meet Zades sleepy gaze in the dark. He smiles at me before reaching across under the covers to place his firm hand on my hip, locking Sarah in safely.
“I’m sorry,” She mumbles into the pillow trying to find any hint of annoyance in my eyes.
“You don’t need to be sorry honey. Do you want to tell me what happened in your dream? Sometimes it can help make it disappear from your mind.” I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and give her a reassuring smile.
“I don’t know,” She starts. “It was like something rubbing around my wrists and I couldn’t get it off, and someone was yelling but… but then I can’t remember what happened next.”
“We would never yell,” Zade responds with his eyes closed. I hate that her nightmares are based on reality. No 6-year-old’s nightmares should be.
“See? Saying it out loud makes it disappear.” I brush her cheek with the back of my fingers, it's so soft, the softest skin I’ve ever touched.
We lay there watching each other in the dark for a while. Her breathing slowing, but her eyes never stop flicking between each of mine, searching. For what? I wish I knew so I could reassure her she will never find it here in this home.
“You can sleep now, bunny,” I say after a few more quiet minutes. Zade’s eyes have remained shut but I know he is still awake and listening to her breathing like I am.
I slowly brush my finger across her forehead and finally, her eyelids flutter closed.
🌹
I’m first to wake as the cool air caresses my exposed limbs. I roll over realising the covers have been pulled off me and that is why I’m so cold. But the sight before me makes me not even care one little bit.
Zade is laying on his back, still asleep on the far side of the bed with a small leg tucked over his waist. Sarah lays on her stomach diagonally between us, deep asleep evidenced by her loud breathing. Her hair is twisted over her face and her little hands grip the sheet tightly up under her chin.
I shift to get up and go to the bathroom however my movement stirs Sarah slightly. I stand at the foot of the bed and watch as she rolls over away from the cold and tucks herself into the warmth of Zade’s side. Her leg thrown over him hooks around him tightly. He doesn’t even flinch in his sleep. I smile to myself and shake my head, leaving them to sleep in. I just know Zade is going to end up waking up like this more often than not for the foreseeable future.
🌹
I click the pen closed and hand it back to Ruby with a smile on my face.
“It's official.” She declares as we walk over to the kitchen island from where we were finishing up signing the last of the million papers in the sitting room.
Sarah is perched eating an apple at one of the bar stools while Zade stands behind her plaiting her hair into pigtails. I recall the memory of him plaiting my own hair and blush. He looks up at me over her head and grins wickedly.
“You’re good at that,” I point out.
“What’s official?” Sarah asks swinging her legs back and forth.
“Zade and Addie have officially adopted you,” Ruby replies laying the folder of papers down on the bench.
“I thought they already had?” She scrunches up her nose looking at me confused.
“Well, the last bit of paperwork we were just changing your name,” I explain.
“I’m not Sarah anymore?” She asks shocked.
“What? I thought you liked being called Bunny?” Zade mocks from behind her. I roll my eyes. Meany.
“No, you’re still Sarah, we just updated your last name.” I correct before her scrunched-up thinking face can get out of hand. She relaxes but turns to Zade angrily.
“Daddy! Only you two get to call me bunny,” She smacks him in the stomach playfully before turning back around for him to finish his work on her hair.
Ruby and I laugh under our breaths giving each other a look.
“What is my last name then?” Sarah asks finally.
“Meadows. Our last name is Meadows.” Zade answers making full eye contact with me. The irony is not lost on me. Memories of before I even knew Zades name come to mind, and then memories of our elopement in Italy, signing the marriage license that would legally change my name to Adeline Meadows and tie me to Zade for life. I remember his shit-eating grin that spread ear to ear. Much like the grin he’s giving me now from behind our daughter, Sarah Meadows.
“Meadows,” She tastes the word and how it sounds on her tongue. “I like it!” She bounces in her seat before popping another apple piece in her mouth.
“Me too, bunny,” I say coming to stand beside them both and leaning up towards Zade's mouth. “Me too,” I whisper against his lips before kissing him hoping my memories fill him up the way they feel like they’re bursting from my chest.
🌹
“Last one,” I relent and pick up another book from her bedside table.
“Wait,” She put her hand on top of mine to stop me from opening it. “I was thinking…”
“About what little bunny?” I say curious as always to know what goes on inside her mind. The good and the bad.
“I got a new name today.” She states simply.
“How do you feel about that? You can change it back if you want to, we just figured with schools and doctors and everything it would be a lot easier.”
“No, I love it!” She quickly clarifies. “I was just thinking, well… Zadey is Daddy and I’m Sarah but Bunny too. But…” She pauses and looks up at me from where she's tucked into her bed.
“What?” I prompt her.
“It’s nothing…” She waves her hand and snuggles into her pillow. “I’m tired.”
“Okay, bunny.” I smile sweetly, not wanting to push her. I kiss her on the forehead before turning to turn out the light.
“Goodnight, bunny,” I whisper as I leave.
“Goodnight Addie,” She replies in a soft voice that sounds full of thought.
🌹
“OW!”
I’m sitting working at the dining room table when I hear them come barrelling through the front door. Zade is carrying Sarah in his arms and he’s making a b-line for the kitchen.
“Ow, Daddy stop!” Sarah yells at the top of her lungs, her face is scrunched up in pain.
I jump up and immediately my gaze is searching over her body for any sign of what’s wrong.
“What happened?” I pin Zade with a glare.
“It’s okay, bunny, Daddy will fix it.” He sets her down on the bench, ignoring me and goes to get the first aid kit from above the sink.
“It hurt me!.” She cries clutching her hand. She cries and cries evading Zade’s attempts to clean the blood from her finger.
“What happened?” I snap at Zade finally getting his attention.
“She touched the cactus in the pot out back.” He huffs throwing the tissue in the sink angrily.
I visibly relax and sigh. Sarah’s wailing continues making it seem like she lost an entire finger not just pricked it.
“Let me fix it please, little bunny.” He says softening his tone.
“No!” She cries, sniffing as tears continue to roll down her cheeks. “I want Momma,”
My heart clenches around the word and I look at Zade who has frozen midair with a band-aid.
Does she mean me? Did she mean to say it? I never expected her to call me Mom, never even suggested it. I struggle to swallow the lump in my throat.
Apparently, I’ve completely frozen as well, and Zade smooth as ever recovers quickly. He continues fighting Sarah’s hold of her finger so he can stick the band-aid on.
“I want Momma to do it!” She cries again and it breaks the spell on me.
I take the band-aid from Zade without a word. He relents stepping back as Sarah relaxes and leans towards me offering her pricked finger. I wrap it around her pointer finger and give it a small kiss before throwing the rubbish in the sink too.
She lets out a final shaky breath, the tantrum over who fixes her seeming forgotten in a matter of seconds.
I wrap my arms around her in a hug while she wraps onto me like a koala from her spot on the bench. She buries her face in my neck and takes a deep breath. I copy her, needing to take a deep breath for myself before pulling back to examine her face. Her eyes are still full of emotion but she gives me a small smile. Momma. She just needed her Momma.
Zade watches us from across the island. My gaze flicks to him with one eyebrow raised. He just shakes his head.
“I’m throwing that cactus off the cliff.”