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It was 6:21AM, and Vi was putting on the best Serious Face™ she could muster. Seated around her in the ancient van that Benzo’s son Ekko had helpfully dubbed Vanzo, clad in comfortable clothing, were her adoptive brothers Claggor and Mylo, blood-sister Powder, and lifelong friend Ekko. Her dad Vander sat shotgun, and Ekko’s adoptive father Benzo was driving. Or he would have been, if Vi hadn’t asked them to wait for a minute before taking off to pick up their final passenger. Vi leaned forward in the patchy rear middle seat to put her elbows on her knees, and addressed the occupants.
“I need you all to promise me, right here on your honor, that you’ll be on your best behavior for this trip. Caitlyn is from a super classy family, a super classy neighborhood, and I still can’t really believe she said yes when I asked her to come with us to Freljord, because, uh…”
Because she’s the hottest woman you’ve ever laid eyes on and makes your useless lesbian heart pound just by standing quietly in an empty room? Because her hair conditioner is probably more expensive than anything you’ve ever owned? Because whenever her hair gets in her eyes she does that little flip thing with it that always looks impossibly glamorous no matter the situation and then she flashes that tooth-gap smile that might one day strike Vi dead for how radiant it is and-
The chorus reply of “Alright Vi.” both saves her from her train of thought and makes her narrow her eyes suspiciously.
Vander’s gaze remained fixed to the printed Mapquest direction’s he’s perusing. Powder picked at something in her nails. Ekko tapped away on his phone. Claggor was almost asleep already. Mylo and Benzo just nodded absently and resumed their heated discussion about the best shape of pasta.
“Guys, I’m serious! Cait is like top-tier raised pinky fancy. The last time I was at her house her toilet had an honest-to-god remote control. The longer I can keep her from figuring out how scuffed and ridiculous this family is, the closer I’ll get to figuring out why she gave me the time of day at all! Please just keep yourselves in check, pretend like we’re at a funeral or something.”
Once again, a series of responses such as “Yeah.” “Sure thing Vi.” and a rousing snore from Claggor rose to meet her. Vi pressed her palms into her eyes. By all rights, this outcome was the best she could’ve hoped for given her family’s penchant for rowdy and distinctly un-fancy like behavior, but her paranoia over this first official meeting with her girlfriend, on their traditional winter trip to Freljord for a week of skiing, boarding, and general fun in the snow, had her only imagining the worst. She’d be lucky if Caitlyn didn’t just laugh and strut back inside her castle of a house as soon as she saw Vanzo.
And if that happened… well maybe she’d get lucky and get gored by a moose while snowboarding down the mountain and be spared the agony of continuing on living.
It was now 6:24 AM, and Vi wanted to die.
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It was 6:27 AM, and Caitlyn wanted to die.
She’d re-arranged her modest (by her mother’s standards) luggage, somehow consolidated down to a ski bag, one duffel, one suitcase, and her backpack, over half a dozen times since anxiety had left her wide awake two hours earlier. Still she kept checking over the contents, wondering if she really needed that jacket or that fleece, in full panic at the fact that Vi hadn’t specified how much room the van would have for her things. Or for that matter, what was a normal thing to bring on a ski trip that people who weren’t the Kirraman family went on?
The foot massager was definitely out, though she was pretty sure her father had put that in as a joke. But things like shampoo? Surely the ski lodge they’d be staying at would have those cute little bottles in the shower, but what if it didn’t? Or what if they ran out? If she just washed with water and soap alone she knew the next time she woke up her hair would do that frizzy thing her father called ‘the Kirra-wolf-man look’ which would definitely make Vi reconsider her choice in girlfriend and oh god Vi had asked her, her to not only be her girlfriend but also to join her family for their yearly ski trip. A ski trip they’d been doing together as a family for over ten years running, and treated as their single big blowout vacation of the year.
Vi, the pinnacle of divine anatomy given form, with that endless swagger and confidence and tattooed biceps and thighs. That Vi, who could steal hearts with a single smirk, had plucked Caitlyn ‘noodle arms’ Kirraman from the oceans of useless lesser gays for some unfathomable reason, and had apparently found Caitlyn adequate enough to present to her family.
What would they talk about? Did they have lots of Lanes family in-jokes? The Kirramans didn’t have in-jokes. The closest thing to in-jokes they had was when one of her parents would remark “Ah, this reminds me of that time in the botanical gardens.” or something and then join the other in a hearty golf-chuckle before resuming their regularly scheduled program of affluence and poshness.
Once more she poured over her excessive (in her opinion) baggage, searching for some exclusion that would transform the unwieldy pile into something she’d feel comfortable nonchalantly tossing into the back of Vi’s family van like the cool girlfriend person she totally wasn’t.
A slightly wheezy horn that had similar acoustics to a donkey falling off a cliff interrupted her runaway panic, and Caitlyn looked up to see a beat-up but well-loved old van with neon splotches of paint depicting a sunset decorating the side making its way down the driveway to where Caitlyn waited. From the two times they’d met, Caitlyn knew the paint job was Powder’s handiwork, chaotic and slightly unhinged yet at the same time, clearly skillful and charming in its own way. She was the real hurdle, approval wise, among the group. And from the disinterested look she gave out the middle window of the van towards Caitlyn, that hurdle was clearly going to be steep. From around the corner of the van though, came something to light up the misty morning in an instant. Caitlyn’s heart felt like a dog doing flips for treats every time she saw Vi’s crooked smile, walking up to her, arms spread for the inevitable Violet Lanes bear hug greeting. The Kirraman family weren’t too big on bear hugs, and fairly rare on even regular ones, and as Vi wrapped her up in muscular arms and squeezed ever so slightly too tight in the way that made Caitlyn feel so completely wanted, she reaffirmed her stance that the Kirramans were missing out big time.
“This all your stuff, cupcake? Might have to strap the skis to the roof rack, most of us rent but with Vander’s antiques and Ekko’s board there’s not much room in the back for something that long. Should be fine though, Benzo always keeps some ratchet straps in the back. Hey Benzo, where are those straps?” Caitlyn watched as Vi launched into a brief discussion with Benzo and Vander about how best to affix her skis to the roof, before breaking off to allow the two dads to dad their way to a solution. Caitlyn’s other luggage was fit snugly into the van’s rear, leaving a merciful amount of room above the seats.
With the dad duo on the job, her skis were mounted to the van in short order, and Caitlyn clambered into the back seat between Powder and Vi, who immediately wrapped an arm around her shoulder. Caitlyn pulled in a deep breath, letting out a whole morning of stress with the exhale, and leaned her head against Vi’s shoulder.
It was now 6:41 AM, and Caitlyn was just about ok with being alive.
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It was now 7:39 AM, and Vi had mostly regained her will to go on living. The car ride out of the PIltover area had gone off without a hitch, with little conversation happening and an angel made flesh leaning her head on Vi’s shoulder, which in of itself was possibly the cutest thing Vi had ever had happen to her. There were still many hours left to get to Freljord, but Vi was beginning to believe her family had meant it seriously when they’d agreed with her plea.
Or she had been, right up until Caitlyn innocently, entirely unaware of her actions, started asking questions.
“So what do you usually do on these trips? Vi has told me you’ve been making them for most of the time she’s been alive.” She asked Vander, and Vi’s brain immediately raced for damage control. Please Vander, my world is in your burly hands.
“Well, Caitlyn, it usually depends on the mood of the trip. Sometimes we just take shifts driving and sleeping, especially on the way back. Then there’s eye-spy, punch buggy, the license plate game. Simple time-passing things.” Thank you, Vander Vi thought with relief. But Caitlyn, who had gone a little bit glassy-eyed at the list of games, was not done.
“Surely after this many trips you’ve had to get creative? A special spin on charades, a song maybe?" Caitlyn sounded genuinely interested, but maybe she was just being polite? Oh please not the songs Vander Vi froze.
“Songs? Well...” Sharing a brief glance with Benzo that Vi couldn’t read, Vander cleared his throat before continuing. “It’s mostly the usual sing-along stuff, mostly when the kids were a bit younger. We do have, err, a few older ones, sea shanties and such Benzo and I picked up working near the ports when we were a lot younger, heh.” Vi tried to keep the arm around Caitlyn relaxed, but it was getting harder with the amount of fear she had. It got nearly impossible when, at Caitlyn’s prompting, Vander actually started to sing.
“The ship sailed into harbor/After fifteen months at sea/The captain hit the tavern/With his crew of fifty-three!”
Wait what? That’s not too bad. Vi couldn’t remember this one too well, though it definitely sounded familiar.
“After drinking up their pay/They staggered through the town/But all the inns and public houses/Turned the sailors down!”
Well, at least Vander had a decent singing voice. But where had she heard this one before?
“The captain said “Fear not, me lads/You all can come with me/I live just 'round the corner/And you all can stay for free!”
Benzo and then Mylo joined in for a pirate-sounding ‘Arrrgh!’. Then Claggor…and Powder… Oh no. Those fuckers.
“But when the captain's wife awoke/Upon the break of day/They say that you could hear her wailin'/Clear to Bot'ny Bay…”
She could break one of the windows back here right? Toss herself onto the highway, never to be seen again? ‘Died quickly from cars’ they’ll say, ‘probably better that than what was about to happen in that van though, ha ha.’ But she couldn’t leave Caitlyn to face this onslaught alone. By now everyone but Vi was singing as the song entered its second half. What sort of girlfriend would do that?
“She said there's/Seamen all around the bed/And seamen on the floor/Seamen in the bathroom/And behind the closet door!”
Maybe if she got a job in the mines they’d let her sleep in there too, for the rest of her life. Vi didn’t dare look at Caitlyn, who had joined Vi in her perfect stillness at the song’s bawdy lyrics.
“There's seamen in the fireplace/And seamen in the hall/The living room is carpeted/With seamen, wall to wall!”
Now all of Vi’s siblings and her dads were swaying to the song in their seats. Did they choreograph this? Fuck.
“There's seamen in the entryway/And seamen on the stair/And worst of all, there's even seamen/In me underwear!”
Vi closed her eyes, wishing she could do the same for her ears. How many verses could this song even have?
“There's some behind the larder/And beneath the table, too/I do believe your seamen/Got into me Noxus stew!”
Everyone paused for a moment, looking at each other and grinning with barely contained laughter. That means there’s more. It took everything Vi had in her not to screech.
“There's seamen here in front of me/And seamen in the rear/My God—there's even seamen/Hanging from the chandelier!”
Vi still didn’t scream, but she was pretty sure she whimpered a bit.
"There's seamen on the windowsill/And seamen in the yard/The seamen even left a stain/Upon the Saint Bernard!"
Everyone but Powder went quiet, as she entered a solo for the next verse. They must have choreographed this those absolute fiends!
“Although I am a patient wife/'Tis more than I can bear/To wake up in the morning/With your seamen in my hair!”
Caitlyn began shaking in her seat beside Vi. Oh shit, was she hyperventilating from the cringe? Was that a real thing? Like noble ladies swooning in old stories?
"I ne'er again do wish to see thee/Darken up my door!"/
Maybe Caitlyn would just faint and wake up with no memory of this? Vi could hope for a miracle.
"So clean up all your seamen and/Come round my way no more/So clean up all your seamen and/Come round my way no more!"
With that, the entire van devolved into deep, corpsing laughter. Vander actually had to grab the steering wheel from Benzo briefly, the old man was laughing so hard he couldn’t see the road. Claggor was making a terrible snorting noise. Caitlyn continued shaking next to Vi. Well, no use putting it off any further. Vi slowly turned her head to her probably now ex-girlfriend, preparing herself for the worst, and found her…
Laughing?
Caitlyn was laughing, right along with everyone else in the van. She was laughing so hard she was crying, big ugly wheezing laughs that sounded absolutely bizarre coming from her slender, regal form. When she saw Vi’s shocked face staring at her, she leaned over around the seat belt to pull Vi into a big hug, laughing all the way. Still in disbelief, Vi slowly returned the hug, praying to whatever patron saint of bad travel songs had blessed her with this goddess of a woman now clinging to her jacket as if it were the only thing keeping her upright in her mirthful throes. And, slowly but surely, Vi began to laugh too.
It was 7:50 AM, and if this feeling was life, Vi wanted to live forever.