Chapter Text
Before he went to Uganda Connor had loved attending the Temple. He felt reverence whenever he entered the building, a connection to the Lord whenever he dressed in his ceremonial clothes, and at peace whenever he entered the celestial room. The pure white walls and statues contrasting with the lavish gold, the opulent chandliers and plush carpets, all reminded him of how the stresses and trials of the mortal life would no longer matter in the Latter Days. For in the Latter Days he would have his own part of heaven, populated by his eternal family, and he would no longer be plagued by the same-sex challenge he faced in his mortal life.
Elder Andersen once said that those whom suffer with the same sex attraction are being put through a "trial of faith" by Heavenly Father to see if they are worthy and able to "stay true to the commandments of God". And Elder Holland had said those who remained true to the restored gospel of Christ would be rewarded in heaven. And Connor knew that reward was Exhalation. But there was a catch: to receive Exhalation you needed to be sealed to your eternal partner in the Temple, and that was a privilege only afforded to heterosexuals.
In some ways Connor saw the church's stance on same-sex attraction as contradictory, as although the official advice for those afflicted had changed (with the church no longer officially advocating heterosexual marriage as a 'cure') the pressures upon members remained the same; in order to please Heavenly Father you needed to marry and procreate. This meant that Connor could remain chaste, maintain a Temple recommend and have a strong testimony, but he would never be able to reach the celestial realm - unless he married a woman.
Connor had spent many nights contemplating the path he would take, and until his mission he had been convinced that if he refused to acknowledge his sexuality then he would - by default - be straight. There had been no question in his mind as to whether he was going to marry a woman: he just was. He would ignore his attraction to men. He would procreate. And, most importantly, he would receive his reward.
But Uganda changed that.
Like Uganda changed most thingsa
Xxxxxxx
While on his mission, or, to be more accurate: after meeting Elder Price, Connor found himself contemplating his path once again. Elder Price made him realise that his attraction to men wasn't something he could dismiss or ignore, because Elder Price was pure homosexual temptation. Which meant Connor realised that he had a choice to make: remain chaste throughout his life and wait for Heavenly Father to free him of his 'curse' and marry his eternal partner in the Latter Days, or continue to turn it off and marry a woman in his mortal life.
Connor knew what his family wanted: they wanted him to marry a woman and see if that 'fixed' him. Upon his return from Uganda, his mother had even taken him aside and quietly reminded him that "Heavenly Father accepts divorce" and that "sealings can be cancelled if a priesthood holder requests it". Which was her indirect way of saying "don't knock it till you try it", which wasn't the most unreasonable thing his parents had ever told him. The logic being postulated by his family did make sense; if he found someone he genuinely cared for and he was able suppress his attraction to men, then in the Latter Days he would be 'cured' and he'd exist happily with his Eternal Family. The only problem that he could forsee would be that he doesn't find a woman he cares for, and considering he would be spending eternity with the woman - he didn't want to be sealed to someone he didn't love. If course, the other option was to remain celebate and wait till the Latter Days, but that seemed like an unfair test of faith and devotion for someone who followed the Church's teachings devoutly.
In the same way Uganda had made his decision about his love life harder; it also changed his opinion on the Temple. Having seen the abject poverty the people lived in, and how their daily toils were so significantly removed from anything Connor had ever experienced before, he found himself questioning how the church spent the tithings. Granted, the church donates to charities it feels upholds the values of the LDS community, but it also spends large sums of money on opulent places of worship, which was the part Connor found unsettling. There were people who needed clean drinking water, medicine and food, yet the church had told them not to make the villagers aware that they had bottles of clean drinking water. It just seemed illogical and selfish.
Which was why Connor no longer found solace in the Temple and it's extravagance. It simply became another thing he put on his 'shelf', hoping that they would be answered in the Latter Days.
It was because of those reasons Connor was sat in the celestial room of the Salt Lake Temple pondering his choices. He couldn't change the way the church opted to spend it's tithings, but he could try and control his attraction to men, even though he suspected (and deep down knew) that his continuous fight to temper his attraction had become a loosing battle the moment Elder Price had walked through the mission hut door. So he sat staring vacantly at the opposite wall, sitting on his hands and fighting the desire to stand up and scream in frustration.
It was hard to pin down what drew him to Elder Price. It didn't matter how many times Chris Thomas asked, Connor could never pin point why Price had become the object of his affection when there were several other men in his vicinity that were equally ,or (as Chris argued) more attractive. But something had drawn Connor to the new missionary; it may have been his white teeth, broad smile, dark hair, and soft mahogany brown eyes, or it may have been the confidence being excreted from every pore. It may have been the way his short sleeved shirt fit his form, indicating a toned and athletic body, or the way his dress pants excentuated his backside, leaving little to the imagination. But whatever the reason was - it didn't matter. It didn't matter because - quite simply - Elder Price was sex on legs. And he had been sent by Heavenly Father to test Connor's faith and devotion.
He'd been sitting in the Celestial room for over half an hour, deep in contemplation, staring at the golden moulding along the ceiling, seeking an answer to a question he'd been asking since he was ten, when he saw the familiar figure of Kevin Price by the exit . Connor looked wide-eyed at his former mission brother, surprised the current (and ongoing) cause of his crisis was present in the same room with him while he contemplated the nature of his love life.
Shifting slightly so that Price would only be able to see his side profile, he adjusted his white mop cap to try and obscure his face by pulling it sat slightly forward on his head; 'Heavenly Father's has a twisted sense of humour'.
Connor tried to watch descreetly, keeping his head hung hoping his cap would provide some protection from recognition. He strained his eyes looking upwards, watching Kevin speaking with another man, who from his appearence must've been his brother, engaged in an animated, yet hushed, conversation
He sat and watched Kevin become increasingly more flustered and suddenly look around the room in a haphazard way. Instinctively causing Connor to raise his hand to try and further conceal his face.. From what Connor had seen it appeared as though Kevin intended to leave, but the other man had gripped his arm firmly to hold him in place
Connor nervously glanced around the room to see if anyone else had noticed the minor disagreement. The celestial room was one of the most sacred areas of the Temple, and most people sat in pensive silence, so the disagreement happening in one of the doorways was certainly out of place. But - to Connor's surprise, everyone except him seemed obliviou
He watched Kevin shrug off the other man's grip, stand tall and then become deflated, nodding curtly, and then leaving the room
Connor's instinct as Kevin's former District leader swiftly kicked in; for two years he had been responsible for the welfare and wellbeing of those in his care, and in some ways they'd always remain as 'his boys'. He had also grown close to Kevin after the 'incident' with the mission president, and he not only felt compelled, but wanted to check on his welfare. Not wanting to make his actions blaringly obvious, Connor moved to follow the former missionary. He walked fast, but not obviously though, keeping his head hung and his footsteps ligh
Once Connor had reached the doorway that Kevin had retreated through he found himself face to face with the man Kevin had been talking to. He felt a lump rise in his throat, the man (who he assumed was Kevin's brother) was almost a carbon copy of how Kevin looked when he had first arrived in Uganda: clean cut and artificial. The only notable difference was that Kevin's brother (whatever his name was) had a slightly slimmer build and his brown eyes weren't the same deep mahogany that Connor would dream about at night.
Connor and the man stood for a moment and Connor began to wrack his memory for the few times he had met the Price family and whether or not he could recall this man and if it was likely the man could recall him.
As he stood looking at the younger-Kevin-like man Connor hoped it didn't look like he was chasing after Kevin - as that would certainly raise eyebrows - so his mind was scrambling for an excuse for his behaviour. He was about to announce he needed to use the bathroom, but before he had the opportunity the man stepped aside apologising for blocking the doorway.
Once he had left the celestial room Connor scanned the hallway looking for a glimpse of Kevin, but he didn't see anyone he recognised. Upon reflection he acknowledged this was pobably for the best, because he didn't really know what he would say to Kevin if they came face-to-face. He certainly couldn't say "you are the object of many of my hell dreams", "why did you stop talking to me?", or "I miss you". All fonthise were confrontational considering their location, and were all loaded questions or statements that he wasn't sure he wanted the answer to
So, Kevin's absence from the hallway actually filled him with slight relief, and Connor took it as another sign that his path towards exhalation once again meant being out of Kevin Price's orbit.
The bus ride home dragged on for Connor as he replayed the events in the celestial room in his mind. Once again he'd not received the answers he was looking for, or even some guidance from the Spirit.
As he stared out the window and watched various landmarks pass by his mind began to drift down a path he'd been resisting for years. While in Uganda he had allowed himself moments of indiscretion, thinking about Price's gorgeous eyes and shapely backside, but since being back in the USA he had tried to push those feelings aside. But, Connor couldn't deny how good Kevin looked in white slacks, and how attractive he had been back in Uganda when he had sun streaks in his hair and was wearing his white baptism outfit.
When he finally got home Connor threw himself face down onto his bed groaned into his pillow. It was typical that he would see Kevin Price during his last visit to the Temple before he returned to BYU. And as far as he was concerned, Heavenly Father had a twisted sense of humour sending him, of all people, into his path.
It just seemed inherently unfair that his devotion to the church to continuely tested, especially when he must've passed every previous test that was sent his way. He had worked hard to make his parents and the church proud. He'd never acted in his thoughts and feelings. And he'd ever resisted the urge to masturbate while thinking about men.
Rolling onto his back he fished out his phone from his pocket and called Chris through facetime. He needed his best friend, his former mission companion, and expert on how to talk Connor through his latest "Kevin Price crisis/fixation/problem.
"Hi Con. How's things?", Chris said immediately after picking up. His eyes glanced at Connor's attire, and before he could respond he continued, "are you baptising someone?"
"Why would I be baptising someone in Salt Lake?", he asked. He wasn't the main priesthood holder in his household - that was his father - so he'd have no need or opportunity to bring anyone into the church while living in "the promised land".
Choosing to ignore the comment, Chris continued on his light-hearted jaunt. "Oh my gosh Con. Did you drown someone in the baptism pool? Is that why you're calling? Have you been arrested?", Chris responded exaggeratedly, waving his phone around so quickly it could've given Connor motion sickness.
"Wha - no! Why would your mind go there? That's weird. You're weird. In fact, you have a problem Chris Thomas"
There was a long pause where Chris looked through the screen at him with a stoney gaze. Had he actually managed to offend Poptarts? Because if he had, that'd be a first.
"Yeah you're right. I probably should get some kind of help - not sure what I'd say though. Maybe, I'm bad at jokes so my friend thinks I need help", Chris eventually said, allowing a large grin to brighten his face and lighten his eyes. Connor could see that he'd repositioned his phone so he wasn't needing his hands, "So what's up? We weren't due to call till tomorrow"
"I saw Kevin at the Temple. You know: Kevin? Elder Price?",
"Yeah, I know Kevin Price", his best friend responded in a dry tone, "and considering school starts next week it wouldn't be unusual for someone like him to be at Temple this weekend"
"I know....I know...", Connor muttered, "it's just...well... I was praying for guidance about...my affliction", he paused by when he saw Chris give an exaggerated sigh, "and then I saw Kevin. Maybe it's a sign from Heavenly Father".
"I highly doubt Heavenly Father is telling you to date Kevin Price",
"No. I know that. And I don't want to date Kevin Price. What I mean is: maybe my path is connected to Kevin Price?".
"I can think of a way", Chris said with a mischievous glint in his eye,
"Oh. Great, how?',
Chris laughed, "sex?",
"Chris!", Connor chided trying his best to seem scandalised but being unable to hold the blush he could feel creeping across his face; he hadn't even admitted to Chris how that particular fantasy was something that regularly appeared in his Hell dreams, "maybe seeing him was a revelation that I am over him?".
Chris hummed in response. He really didn't want to be dealing with Connor's 'Kevin Price drama' again: eighteen months of that was enough to last a lifetime.
"Look Con, the guy is an ass", he sighed heavily, "and you need to wash that man straight out of your head",
Chris' last remark sparked Connor's interest, momentarily forgetting about Kevin Price and instead enjoying how well his friend knew him, "Did you just quote South Pacific at me?",
"You're missing the point. Kevin Price - ",
"Oh my gosh Chris! You did. You quoted South Pacific"
"As I was saying, Kevin Price - "
"Is an ass. I know.", he interjected, trying to hide the dissapointment in his voice, "but let's get back to South Pacific - where and when did you watch it?".