Chapter Text
Bzzz.. bzzz…
Kaneki stays still in his bed. He doesn’t need to reach out and check his phone to find out who the sender is. There’s only one person who still bothers sending him messages and one quick glance to the small clock on his nightstand only confirms the answer. A moment passes and the screen dims, leaving his room back to the somber glow it was in.
Why are you still keeping that thing on? He questions himself. It’s not like you’re going to answer those messages.
He ponders at the question for another while, trying to find the answer as his fingers trail over his blackened, rotten nails. Pity? Definitely not. Hope? …maybe?
He falls asleep with a broken memory of sunshine over his window and the smell of summer breezing through, and for once he sleeps through the night in a dreamless black.
He wakes up to Hinami’s face a few days after. She hands him his first coffee of the day and one of the prettiest smiles he’s ever blessed to see, all the while settling to sit on his bedside as he lets her hold his fingers between her smaller ones.
“It’s nice to see you like this, Onii-chan,” Hinami begins, and he can hear how glad she is from her voice. “You’ve been sleeping well these days, haven’t you?”
He brings the cup to his lips –she learned the art of brewing from the best indeed– and inhales. A small smile threatens to peek from the corner of his mouth. “Do you think so?”
“I know so.” She grasps his hand tighter, and he lets out a weak chuckle.
“Nothing goes past the eyes of the great Hinami-chan.”
“You bet!” Hinami grins, and Kaneki puts the cup on his bedside in favor to pat her head.
“Your hair's getting longer,” he says after a few strokes. “Do you want me to trim them for you again?”
“Don’t change the subject, Onii-chan.”
“But I wasn’t even trying.”
“Uh-huh. What makes you so happy these days?”
Kaneki hesitates. His gray eyes dart towards his phone for barely a sec, but Hinami catches on. “Never mind,” she shakes her head and stands, deciding not to pry further. “I’m sure it’s just another new novel. Well Onii-chan, you better get ready, I think Banjou-san will be back in a few minutes.”
He nods and empties his coffee cup. “I will.”
Sometimes Kaneki thinks of reading them. He’d stopped a long time ago –fearing he would see anger and rants and goodbyes he’s sure he’d never be ready to hear. He likes the thought of Hide sending him messages of how he’s bored to death in class and finding peace in imagining he still has a home to come back to (yes he is.) And somewhere along the line he decides that it’s real, that the muted buzzing of his phone every 10am and 10pm and a few more is Hide whining about his homework and the new burger joints he’d been visiting. He indulges himself in the image of Hide hanging around his old apartment and leaving notes he would need to catch up to one day. There’s a disturbing satisfaction that no matter what happened, Hide would still wait for him because he’s important to him.
And so he puts off reading and replying for another day, and another, and another. Because hey, Hide has been waiting all these time hasn’t he? He can wait for another day.
He’ll definitely reply tomorrow.
Or so he keeps saying to himself.
One day the messages stop coming.
Kaneki doesn’t think much, after all, he has information to scour and targets to eliminate, on top of having to spend what little time he has with Banjou and Hinami and the others. There’s a small nagging in the back of his head –what if Hide got into trouble? What if he’s sick? Is he okay? But he wakes up to the same, muted buzzing from his phone the morning after, so he ends up deciding to tuck the hesitation into the corner of his head, completely putting the doubts behind his back.
He’s important to Hide. Hide wouldn’t leave him.
But slowly but sure the messages gradually slow down, and the nightmares start coming back too; the bloody hands crawling his body and the sinister laughs whispering he’s worthless and powerless and all alone. The memory of sunshine can no longer calm his nights, and some days he can’t even remember how Hide’s supposed to look like –it’s as if he’s trying to peek on him through a foggy, blurry window.
He’s important to Hide. Hide would chase him, yes he would.
Targets come and go, and he’s getting closer on tracking Kanou down (or so he likes to think, because sometimes he sees Banjou shaking his head, and Hinami crossing another list on a note she keeps track on.) Kaneki spends less time to ponder on what-ifs and more on finding things to tire himself out so when he lays on his bed, his body automatically shuts down without him needing to will it to. So many things to think about, so many things to pay attention to and Hide would have to wait. Sometimes he walks in to the familiar buzz, but most of the time he doesn’t. The only time he checks his phone is every three days that he knows the battery would threaten to die. He no longer feel the need to check the screen –it’s becoming a routine he’s been doing for almost half a year, and so it takes a little over a month before he notices the number of the new message hasn’t been changing at all.
He stares at the number (472 new messages), and only then it dawns on him that he hasn’t been waking up to the familiar buzz for quite a while. But when did the messages stop coming? He imagines how easy it is to swipe his finger against the buttons and finds the exact date he needs, but for some reason his finger just wouldn’t move.
“He forgets about you,” an image of Rize materializes beside him, her lean fingers sweeping over the 472. “He doesn’t care about you anymore.”
“No he doesn’t.”
“So you tell yourself.” She tells mockingly, raising her hand to trail over his cheek, and he shivers at the cold touch. “After all, why would he wait for you, mmm? You did nothing but ignore him all these time.”
“No I didn’t.”
“Can you imagine him?” her voice grows louder, and he wants nothing but to strangle her and make her shut up. “Your Hide, strolling around Kamii with your replacement. Ah, what would she look like? I bet she’d look just like you.”
“Stop.”
“Yes, yes, she would.” She singsongs. “He’ll take her to Anteiku and introduce her to everyone. He’ll hold her hand and kiss her too–”
“Stop!”
“–and people would ask him what about that guy he’s been hanging with during the first months of Kamii? And can you just hear him saying ‘who?’”
“Stop it!”
“But it’s happening, isn’t it?” she smiles at him, her tone still light and teasing. Her hands settle on his shoulder as she brings her lips closer to his ear. “You ignored him, after all. And at what cost?”
“I didn’t!” Kaneki screamed. The Hide in his head is always smiling at him, always willing to listen to him, always ready to make him laugh. The Hide he remembers leaves notes and burgers and sweets at his door, puts his arms around his shoulder whenever he’s feeling nervous, and surprises him with new books on his birthdays; the Hide who once upon a time hold his hand and told him he’d never leave him, and for once in what seems like forever, Kaneki remembers what’s it’s like to feel hope. What it's like to feel when someone loves him.
And so without a second thought, he flips open his phone and scrolls through his messages. They look just like what he imagined, and for that reason alone he sighs in relief, not knowing he’s been holding his breath all that time. Beside the occasional concern-laced messages, he finds his inbox filled with light-toned messages; a new café opening and Hide checking it in (I swear you’d spend hours just sitting in that café reading like the nerd you are), the classes he’s been missing (Yamada beat me in English! Can you believe that? I studied really hard on that too!), a cat following Hide when he walks home, a new part time job, and tons of other normal things as if nothing happened. And Kaneki can feel the tears pooling in his eyes as he leans back to his pillows and scrolls through more messages.
“Are you eating well? Btw Big Girls has this new buy one get one promo. You wanna go sometime?”
“Did you know rabbits are most active in the evenings? I’m not making things up, it’s real!”
“Mannn this class is so boring. Consider yourself lucky not getting into this mess.”
“There’s a new senpai at work. She’s so tiny compared to my other senpai but so scary first glance. No need to worry, though. I think I can get along with her just fine.”
“Today’s forecast calls for a breezy cloudy day and one lazy Hide.”
“Hey
Do you hate me or something?”
Kaneki freezes. Hide’s next message was received a few seconds after it, apologizing that it’s a wrong reply, but it didn’t ease the fear slowly crawling from his chest. From then on, he notes how the messages begin to halt. Sometimes there’s even a two days gap between the messages, and as he scrolls down, he can feel anxiety gripping him tighter. There’s a voice in his head telling him to stop, to just ignore and continue living in the perfect world he’s been building all these time –that Hide is still waiting for him and everything will be fine, just give it a few more weeks and he’ll be back –they’ll be back just like before, but he knows he can no longer do that. Not after this. And so he forces himself to scroll through until the last message, still somehow hoping the it would be something about Hide promising he’ll be waiting. But what awaits him instead is nothing but a short question;
“Hey Kaneki
Am I not enough?”
The date shows that it really has been a little over a month since it’s received. And Kaneki stares at it for one whole minute, staring at the exact time the message was received – 05.39AM. Knowing Hide, it’s not too hard to figure that he’s been staying up all night.
..so much for a make-believe fantasy.
The next thing he knows, his body moves on auto pilot; a hand reaching for the blanket as his other hand puts the phone back on his nightstand, and a few blinks later he finds himself cocooned under his quilt, wishing nothing but for the bed to swallow him whole and just forget, forget, forget…
He closes his eyes and tries to picture the sun, but the last thing he remembers before falling asleep is nothing but a bleak, blank darkness.
“Onii-chan…”
“Yes?”
Hinami sighs, her restless hands mirroring her hesitation. Whenever she acts like this, Kaneki would usually be the one coaxing her to open up, but today’s just not the day. Still, ignoring Hinami is never on his list so he bends down to get on her eye level and asks her what she needs.
It takes a while for her to raise her head and meet his eyes, but when she did, he's surprised to catch what seems to be pity coupled with concern behind her brown eyes.
“Are you okay? I’m…” she turns away again. “I know I won’t be much help but…” a shake of head. “Onii-chan, you can always talk to me if you want to.”
Kaneki straightens back. Apparently he’s gotten Hinami worried over him –did it really show? He contemplates on telling her, the pluses over the minuses, but the words just won’t come out. His first thought, however, was to deny so he decides to do what he always does best;
Touching his chin, he gives her half a smile and an “I’m fine, why do you think I’m not?”
That usually does the trick, but apparently today’s not his lucky day because Hinami doesn’t budge. Sometimes she reminds him of Touka, and he doesn’t know whether it’s a good thing or not.
“I know I’m still so young,” she begins, and he expects her to adds a scolding or two, but her voice retains the gentleness as she continues, surprising him in the process, with “But you’ve been there for me so many times, at least let me help you on this, even just a bit. I can’t promise I’d help much, but I’m sure you’d feel a bit better.”
At that Kaneki can only let out a small laugh. “I guess Hinami-chan is growing up, huh?” to which she replies with a shy smile, her body language relaxing. And for this once Kaneki thinks that maybe, maybe he can tell her. Maybe it’ll be okay. Not everything, of course, but maybe this can be a start.
Sighing, he gestures her to the sofa and waits until she’s comfortably settled beside him before beginning;
“Hinami-chan, I think I’ve… been a bad person.”
Monday rolls in and Kaneki finds himself standing behind a tree, donning the old white eye patch under the safety of one of his old hoodies. Kamii doesn’t seem to change much, beside the sight of the withering, golden trees replacing what used to be green and pink lining the gate to the main entrance. Students are still swarming through the gate and another glance to his watch confirms that the last class of the day should’ve ended 10 minutes ago. He has no idea what classes Hide’s taking this semester, and he never talks about his schedule on the messages either, so Kaneki can only hope his sorry luck could at least let him catch sight of his old friend because Kamii is now the only place he can find him –one of the messages has Hide mentions feeling spent after a whole day moving his stuffs to his new apartment.
Truthfully, Kaneki didn’t expect much. After all, it’s only Monday, which means the chance of him catching his best friend (can he still call him that?) is only, what, 20% at most, but a chance is still a chance. And he knows Hinami would really scold him if he tells her he’s already giving up.
(His first thought was to send Hide a message, but Hinami had pouted at him, saying something about this isn’t a matter that can be settled simply with a message and that “You need to meet him, Onii-chan.”
“But what if—“
“You need to.” Her eyes softened. “You owe him at least this.”)
And speaking of Hinami, apparently it turned out that his decision to trust her was right. He can’t say he feels alright now, but he can’t deny that he does feel lighter. The girl had sat through his monologue and had been giving him just the words he needed to hear. One of them was that it’s never too late; if Hide is everything Kaneki tells her then he would definitely forgive him. As simple as that.
Kaneki waits until after the sun goes down and the street lamps start flickering to life. A couple more hours in and he watches as the security prepares to close the gate and decides to call it a day. It’s only Monday, he reassures himself again, there’s still another four days before the week ends. He pulls the zip on his jacket, trying to ignore how his fingers are shaking, and is about to turn to leave when a familiar voice catches him by surprise.
“Hey-hey-hey! Don’t close it yet!”
Kaneki turns just at the time to catch Hide slipping himself between the gate, his now enhanced hearing manages to catch Hide mumbling apologies about needing to finish something and the security responding with a light laugh.
How long has it been?
It takes everything in him not to run and just throw himself to Hide there. It really has been too long and he wants nothing but to take Hide in, to learn about the things he has been missing (and judging from how Hide looks like, there’s a lot), but the more sensible part of him reminds him that he should know better than to make a scene in a public place. He grips his hands into a fist and wills himself to stay still despite the thundering of his heartbeat, at least until the small exchange between his friend and the security guard ends and Hide begins to walk away.
Kaneki huffs. The tailing part should be the easiest part. After all, it’s now something he does on almost weekly basis, but as he follows after Hide, who is now taking a quick stop at a convenience store, a crippling fear slowly spreads through his whole being. Questions and doubts and what-ifs cross through his mind. What if Hide doesn’t want him anymore? What if they can’t go back to what they’re used to be? It’s so easy for Kaneki to just stop and turn around, to return to the safety of the world he creates inside his head, but he remembers the restless nights and the sight of his phone lying useless on his desk. He craves the attention, no matter how selfish it sounds, and tells himself to focus on the after part.
Hide leads him to a rather secluded area of the 20th Ward and into a small two-story apartment, humming a foreign song as he does. Kaneki had been too caught up in his own head that he directly follows him up the stairs and is caught off guard when he finds Hide waiting for him.
“Kaneki?”
But Kaneki doesn’t hear that. Finally finding himself face to face with who he claimed to be the most important person in his life after what seems to be forever had him wanting nothing but to touch him. Hide looks different; one of the few things he first noticed was the length of his hair, but seeing it up close is a whole different thing. Kaneki tries to take everything in; Hide’s eyes, Hide’s face, Hide’s scent –they’re still the same and he misses them too. He looks skinnier than he remembers, or what he imagines him to be, and a closer look lets him know that his friend now carries a different weight. One hand unconsciously reaches forward, but Hide’s second call of his name snaps him out.
“Kaneki, it’s really you!” Hide’s smile blooms, and it’s amazing how such simple thing chases away the nagging feelings inside his chest. “It’s been so long! How are you? –you wanna come in?”
Kaneki gulps. He’s having a hard time processing the whole situation. And suddenly it feels like he’s back to his old self, all shy and doubts as he carefully mumbles out an “Uh… if I may?”
“Nonsense, of course you can!” Hide’s laughter falls easily as he points to his room, the door exactly across the stairs, and fumbles with the key for a moment before opening it and gesturing Kaneki to follow him inside. And Kaneki finds himself doing exactly that; muttering a quiet pardon the intrusion as he copies Hide removing his shoes and arranging it beside the door.
Hide’s new apartment is definitely smaller than his previous one, and clearly looks messier with the stuffs and papers littering around, but he decides against commenting on it and lets Hide lead him to the small table in the middle of the room where they can sit. Kaneki takes a spot across Hide and suddenly feels really out of the place in the middle of everything.
“Sorry it’s kinda messy. Just make yourself at home, okay?” Hide tells him as if he can read his mind, and he pulls out two cans of coffee from the plastic bag he’s carrying and sets them in between them (has Hide noticed him tailing that long?). A pause and then “Are you still cold? Want me to turn on the heater?””
Kaneki blinks. He’s still has his jacket zipped up to his neck, the hoodie over his head, and suddenly he feels self-conscious; the changes on Hide are normal, it’s what happen to everyone, but the ones on him? He scolds himself for not thinking of wearing a wig or maybe painting his nails light. Slowly he pulls his hand down to his lap, and he hears Hide heaves a small sigh.
“…Hide, I’m—“
“So how have you been?”
He swallows, his apology forgotten. How has he been? Kaneki feels strange, the question sounds foreign to him and he doesn’t know what to answer. When’s the last time someone asks him that? His first instinct is to say good, but he’s definitely not. Well? Maybe?
“Not okay.” The answer slips before he’s able to stop himself, and he averts his gaze away, finding the messy pile of bright colored clothing on a chair in the corner suddenly more interesting than anything.
“I can see that,” Hide chuckles, his voice gentle. “Last time I saw your panda eyes was when you stayed overnight reading that new novel. What was it again?”
Kaneki tries to remember, but it feels like a lifetime away. He can somewhat see himself curled in the corner of his old apartment, but everything else is in black blotches. Hide must’ve sensed his uneasiness, because he doesn’t push on and opts to open his can of coffee. Kaneki turns his head at the sound of the can popping and wonders when did Hide start drinking black coffee?
And again, as if his friend really can read his mind, Hide shrugs and says, “Someone… made me try this thing. Takes quite a while to get used to –with it being so bitter compared to my usuals– but when you do, you do, y’know?” he smiles that sweet smile and dammit it’s feels contagious and Kaneki would smile too, if only Hide’s answer doesn’t hint that there’s someone else who’s close enough to his friend to make him change his view on something. And it’s about coffee of all things.
It shouldn’t really matter, but Kaneki is jealous. Hide is his, isn’t he? How can he say that to him? A sane part of him suggests that his annoyance is irrational –after all, who is he to talk when he pretty much did the same? If anything, what he’d done to Hide was worse, but the thought of the lessening messages and Hide gradually moving on from him angers him as much as it scares him.
Hide is his personal sunshine.
His.
And no one else’s.
“Cracking your fingers like that is bad. You really shouldn’t do that often.” Hide’s tells him and only then Kaneki notices he’s been doing that.
“Sorry.”
“Why are you apologizing?”
“…I don’t know.”
The conversation stumbles into an uncomfortable silence, and Kaneki decides to open his coffee can in a poor attempt to find something to do as Hide plays with his now almost-empty one. The coffee leaves a weird taste on his tongue, but he says nothing about it, and instead forces himself to gulp a few more.
“So…” his friend begins after a while. “Let’s try this again, how are you doing? What are you up to these days?”
Kaneki half expects Hide to mention something about him not replying his message, but Hide didn’t and he is thankful for that. There’s no need to make the situation any more awkward than it already is. Gripping his empty can, Kaneki starts with how he’s now working as an informant. He knows his explanation is vague at best, but Hide nods along to his lies about moving in with a deceased coworker’s young daughter (at least that part isn’t really a lie) and didn’t question about his decision to drop out of school and off everyone’s life.
“How about you?”
“Me? Nothing much as you can see.” Hide leans back to his bed, his hands behind his head. And Kaneki follows the movement with his eyes, silently liking the way Hide’s hair now just fall over instead of spreading out all over the place. “I got a part time job as a… hmm, maybe you can say courier. It’s tiring having to send stuffs to so many places a day but hey, it pays the bills and keeps my mind off a few things so why not?”
“I see…”
“Oh! Before I forgot,” he scoots over to Kaneki, and Kaneki, not knowing how to react, closes his eyes at the proximity. Too long, definitely too long, Hide’s scent is inviting, deliciously so. He doesn’t even know why his body reacts that way, the sensation feels both foreign and familiar at the same time, but then he opens his eyes and he’s greeted with the view of Hide holding a paper bag before him.
“What’s this?” that was… embarrassing.
“Why don’t you check it out yourself?” the smile widens into a grin, and Kaneki waits for him to pat his head and messes with his hair like he used to do, but Hide scoots away after putting the package on his lap and Kaneki would be lying if it didn’t send a small sting straight into his chest.
Clearing his throat, he forces the negative feeling back and peeks into the bag, hand reaching to grab whatever contents inside it. It’s something thin… Hide gets him books? He pulls back and finds himself holding the latest Takatsuki Sen novel and a reprint of her first book, his favorite, in hardcover.
“Surprise! I thought you’d be too busy to catch up and she was around so I’d save you the trouble getting it.” Hide announces, excitement all over his voice as his hand reaching to flip open the cover to show Kaneki his own name written in a neat penmanship next to Takatsuki Sen’s.
“Hide–”
“Save the thanks, man, I know.”
“–I already own–“ Kaneki clamps his hand over his mouth. He doesn’t know how or why he ended up saying what he did. An apology is on his lips but the damage has been done. He can see the earlier fire behind Hide’s brown eyes dying down.
“Oh, I…”
“Hide, no, I mean–“
“It’s nothing.” Hide forces a laugh, and the laugh sounds dry in Kaneki’s ears. “Trust you not to miss the chance to meet your favorite author. What was I thinking?” he reaches forward again, this time to take the books from Kaneki’s hands.
“Hide–“
“No need to worry, I’ll take care of this.” Hide pats the two books before putting them back into the paper bag and tucking them away. Once again their conversation falls into an awkward silence.
In spite of the situation, Kaneki almost laugh. It’s kind of funny because he used to prefer silence over Hide’s loud chattering; preferred to sink himself into the world in his book rather than listening to Hide rambling about his games or the new anime he watched yesterday. But now he wishes for nothing but Hide to say something.
He curses himself. He’d told Hinami he’ll set things right but so far he’s done nothing but fuck things up even further. It doesn’t look like Hide’s going to start another conversation either and he completely understand why. Searching around the room to find something to talk about, Kaneki finds his gaze landing on Hide’s hair again.
That can be a start.
“Your hair…” he pauses when Hide looks up to stare at him, suddenly doubting his ability to converse. But he braces himself and continues on, “It’s… it’s getting longer.”
“I can say the same to yours.” Hide offers him a weak smile –he’s never out of it, isn’t he? And suddenly Kaneki hates how Hide doesn’t push on, how Hide doesn’t pry further. He’s been doing that for a while, acting as if Kaneki didn’t disappear from his life for months, and even though the half-ghoul feels relieved that he doesn’t need to make up more lies to cover his story, knowing Hide, he’d expects his friends to throw him a lot of questions, or maybe to even get angry at him, but as much as he likes seeing how Hide still acts as if they’re still the best of friends, how passive he has been pisses him.
“Aren’t you going to ask?” he prompts, a growing flame behind his voice. The question is ambiguous, but he knows Hide would catch what he means.
“Would you give answers if I do?” Hide prompts back.
“Depends.”
“Exactly.”
“But aren’t you curious? Aren’t you going to ask more about me?” about what happened to me after all these times? The way Hide is acting frustrates him.
“Kaneki.” Hide says, and for the first time since they see each other again, his friend sounds tired. And there some sort of finality in the way he says his name that Kaneki swallows whatever he’s going to say.
“What do you want from me?”
“I…” he stops. What does he want, exactly? Why did he follow Hide to his house? Kaneki tries to remember his reasons and feels ashamed. He was supposed to apologize to Hide for neglecting him and yet here he is trying to force all the blame to him. Hide, his oldest, closest friend, someone who used to be the world to him (and still is), who has been spending most of the months he’s been missing trying to connect himself to him.
Since when did he become a real jerk?
Sighing, he slumps back, feeling smaller than ever. Hide is still waiting for his answer, and Kaneki gazes up to him, really examining him for the first time since he’d seen him again. His earlier suspicion that Hide’s losing a few pounds is definitely not wrong, and now seeing up close, he can see the tired lines around his eyes. And now that he think about it, beside the time when Hide’s being excited to show him the books he got him (and Kaneki mentally scolds himself at the memory. Way to go, Ken.) he has been quiet. Suddenly this new Hide isn’t like Hide anymore. The Hide Kaneki remembers is someone who’s never out of smile and laugh; someone who embodies the sun, and the person before him is but a setting sun. He can still feel the warmth, but it’s definitely not the sunny day-like warmth he used to find himself getting drawn into.
“Look, Kaneki.” Hide’s voice startles him. His friend runs his fingers through his hair and messing the bleached strands even further. “I’m sorry. This… this isn’t my day. And I still can’t believe this –I mean it’s been so long and…”
His brown eyes search through his dark one as if he’s trying to find the right word to say. He opens his mouth only to close it again and Kaneki knows exactly how it feels. After all, he’s been feeling more or less the same for the past few hours; feeling as if the words are right there on the tip of his tongue and yet it just won’t slide out.
“And I… miss you. I did, man.” Hide breathes out. It’s amazing how the look in those eyes change from doubts into such gentle adoration in the span of few words. And Kaneki feels his chest tightens at the sight. Hide is looking as if he’s his most precious person, and he wishes nothing but that he’s reading him right.
“You’ve been gone for like, what, months. I was so worried about you! –You know, one time I thought someone kidnapped you or something, I think I went crazy trying to find help.” A light laugh was tagged at the end, but Kaneki has a feeling that Hide isn’t joking at all.
“Hide…”
“But now you’re here with me and I…” for a moment Kaneki swears Hide is going to say something different, something important, something he doesn’t know yet but he just knows he’s been waiting to hear, but a split second later Hide shakes his head.
“What’s important is you’re here and you’re okay. That’s all that matters.” He says. Still, it sounds so sincere and Kaneki decides that this is it; it’s his chance.
“I’m sorry!” he blurts out, and before Hide has the chance to respond, he continues, “I’m sorry I’m…” there’s probably a hundred reason he should apologize for, but Kaneki just doesn’t know where to start.
I’m sorry I ignored you.
I’m sorry I left.
I’m sorry I wanted to protect you.
I’m sorry I’m not strong enough.
I’m sorry I’ve been a bad friend.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
I’m –
“…sorry I’ve been so busy lately.”
Kaneki wants to punch himself. Of all the things he can say and he said that? He swears there’s something broken in his head. He darts his eyes away, not having the courage to stare at his friend. A small voice in the back of his head urges him to apologize; say sorry it wasn’t what you meant, before—
“It’s okay.” At the sound of Hide’s ever so gentle voice he whips his head back up. Despite being a restless ball of sunshine most of the time, Hide always treats him as if he has all the patience in the world. His friend is still staring at him the same way he did before, and Kaneki would be lying if he says it doesn’t send a wave of relief all over him.
“…really?” he asks, voice timid. This can’t be real. A darker side of him is smiling, the part who keeps telling him to simply take everything for granted because that’s how it’s been and how it’s supposed to be. Because it’s only fair for Hide to keep giving him all the attention he deserves. He’s been doing that ever since they’re little so it’s only natural for him to crave more and Hide to give in.
But this isn’t right, another part argues. You haven’t apologized to him yet.
“Pfsh, why would I lie?” Hide’s confirmation pushes that small part of him away, and he unconsciously smile at the thought. How lucky is he? He imagines Hide inviting him to stay over, as usual, and they’d spend the night catching up, or most probably him nodding along to Hide’s stories about the most random things. And maybe by the crack of the dawn, they’d end up back to back, cramped in Hide’s small bed. Kaneki closes his eye, sinking in the small memory of waking up in a tangled mess of legs and arms and blankets over the morning light. Ah, how nice it would be to have some warmth against him as he sleeps. He’s been sleeping alone ever since he moved away with Hinami and Banjou. But then again, Hide’s the only one he’s ever shared his bed with, beside his mother, of course. Wouldn’t it just be nice to have him close again? Not to mention Hide’s scent has been so inviting too. No, not appetizing –okay, maybe a bit, still, it’s a different kind of appetite.
But Hide’s next words plunge him back down. “Aren’t we friends?”
Kaneki opens his eye.
“…friends?”
“Yeah, friends. That’s what we are, right?” Wrong answer. Kaneki expects a ruffling on his hair or maybe a poke on his cheek coupled with a laugh and maybe an “I was kidding. Of course you’re my best friend!” He waits on, but Hide’s words seem final because he’s now titling his head with a silent what are you expecting? Clear on his face.
“Just friend?” He asks.
Hide’s smile fades. Kaneki can sense the light air around him stills, but his eyes still retain the gentleness. Kaneki waits for him to say anything –to crack a joke or do anything hinting that he’s wrong, that their relationship is still the same. But Hide shakes his head. And then carefully, as if he knows how his words would impact him, Hide tells him that,
“Kaneki… time’s changed. We’ve changed. I can’t keep chasing over you.”
Kaneki’s eye widens. He can’t mask his surprise and Hide must’ve noticed. This is what he’s been dreading to hear. Hide isn’t supposed to say that. No, no, no, no!
“I’ve… I’ve done that once,” Hide continues. “I’ve chased your shadows so many times before I’ve lost count the days I’ve spent trailing over the slightest hints of you –trying to reach you, to make you turn and tell you that ‘hey, what about me? I’m still your friend. I’m still waiting for you!’
“But I really… can’t do that anymore. Best friends don’t do that to each other, right?"
Kaneki lowers his eye, not finding himself being able to keep holding Hide's gaze.
Hide's right, isn't he?
(He always is.)
Some best friend he is. What makes him think that he could just stroll back into Hide's life after months ignoring him and completely expect him to act as if nothing happened? One part of him, the part that minutes ago was purring in satisfaction is now nothing but barely-there whispers against the growing part that tells him he's wrong. That he should've known this would happen. That it's all his fault, and he was supposed to stick with his so called made-up world in the first place.
He stares at his hands, carefully regarding each and every one of his fingers. What have you been doing all these time? He asks himself. Hunting Kanou? Not with all the dead ends he's been facing. Gaining powers? Maybe, but is he strong enough now? And at what cost? He tries to remember when's the last time he talks with someone other than Banjou, Hinami, Tsukiyama and the few ghouls he's working with, but he can't remember. His last visit to Anteiku was ages ago and–
Kaneki swallows.
He never thought about his friends in Anteiku this way. He's fine with them moving on without him–it's never really a big matter whether or not they still take him as a friend, whether or not they remember him, as long as they're safe. As long as he knows he's keeping them safe. But Hide?
No. Not Hide.
He doesn't want Hide to leave him. He doesn't want Hide to move on without him.
And suddenly the answer he's been looking for is there; the reason why he's been keeping his phone on. He can deal with everyone leaving him –because everyone does. Everyone will. His mother did, didn't she?– but not Hide. Not Hide, never Hide. Anyone can leave him and it'll still be alright as long as the muted buzzing is there to remind him that Hide still waits for him.
But Hide is saying no. Hide stopped waiting for him. Hide is giving up on him, yes he did, and no matter how many time he tries to deny, it is eating him alive; the words feels like knives slicing on his skin. Kaneki has been trying to tell himself it's alright, that he'll be okay no matter what Hide says, that hey, he's all alone to begin with, but now that he hears those words from those lips, he can't deny that it does hurts. It hurts so much.
A gentle touch is on his shoulder and he turns to see Hide has scooted closer to him. Those warm eyes are soft on him, as always, and Kaneki grips his hands into a fist, willing himself to hear whatever his friend is going to say to him.
"Hey..." Hide starts. His voice is barely a whisper. "It's..."
"Hide..." he begs. He can't believe he's doing it, but he will beg him. He'd beg him a thousand times –he'd do anything as long as Hide takes him back. This is the one thing he can't lose. "Hide–Hide, please..."
His friend sighs, hiding his face away. "It's getting late. Maybe you should go home?"
Kaneki keeps a steady gaze on him, trying to show him he's not accepting what he'd just heard, but deep down he knows it's a lost case. And so in the end he nods, because what else can he do? Hide turns back to face him, looking as if he expects him to say something, but he shakes his head and pulls himself up. And Kaneki did too, the spot where Hide hold him seconds ago burns. He follows Hide to the front door and puts on his shoes, trying to stall the time and spend at least a few more seconds with him, but eventually he's finished and there's nothing else to do beside saying good bye.
"But we can still see each other, right?" he didn't realize he's voiced his thought out loud until he sees Hide's look of surprise, and somehow Kaneki begins to wonder whether or not it's appropriate for him to actually gets on his knees and beg.
Because he might.
He will.
"...I guess." Hide's answer sounds flat, and he reaches to pull the door open, leaving Kaneki no choice but to walk out. So he did, forcing himself to keep walking even after hearing the sound of Hide's door closing behind him. He doesn't stop walking until he's outside the apartment area and against a wall in the nearest alley, where he squats down and finally cries into his own hands, Hide's name slipping between the choked sobs.
He's there. Hide can sense him. For the first time in months he's finally here and Hide doesn't know what to do. Should he pretend not to notice him? Should he run to him? Or wave and tell him 'hey, I can see you there?' All sorts of actions and reactions were storming inside his head and Hide almost breaks into a run because Nagachika Hideyoshi doesn't think, he just do.
But what should he do?
His feet stop before he even finishes mustering a thought. Coffee. Yes, coffee. Coffee can be a start, no? Is inside his head as he takes a turn into the convenience store. The cashier greets him as he enters and he smiles back as usual, practicing the art he's been mastering all his life. This is good. He wouldn't follow him inside, would he? One glance to the window and he finds his answer leaning against an electric pole with both hands inside the pockets of his hoodie. Great.
Great. Great.
Now what?
Strolling through the drink aisle, Hide can't help but let his mask slip and bites his lips. It's been a little over a month –okay, 38 days, yes, he counts– and finally his chance is here. Chance to fix everything up, to return to how it was an eternity ago.
He reaches for two cans, and scolds himself when he's about to walk into the snack aisle. Silly you, what's the use of buying snacks if he can't eat them? Shaking his head, he walks back to the cashier with thoughts scrambling all over the place until he remembers something.
He is silly, isn't he? The answer has been always the same since day one. It never changed from the time he sat squatting for hours in front of his apartment months ago, waiting for him to open up as he tries to find a reason why isn't his change to a ghoul sound at least creepy inside his head.
Wait for him to come to you and go from there.
And he can't help but smile–a real smile– as he turns his back and finds him right before him. He's changed, all the months he's been gone –all the months he's been taken away from him– Hide wouldn't have notice it's him if not because the thundering inside his chest. His precious, most precious person looks broken in more ways than one and it breaks his heart. What did I tell you before? He wants to joke, you need me to take care of you! But he says none and instead invites him into his home.
Let him come to you, he keeps chanting in his head.
His most important keeps his lips tight, and he knows there would be no end if he really waits for him, and so he did what he could. A few small talk here, an innocent question there, and yet he still doesn't budge. He opens his can as he whips his brain into works and tries to figure what else he should say. Would asking about his life again sounds weird?
But his thoughts are interrupted by a cracking sound. He is cracking his finger with an unreadable, almost vicious look in his eye. Suddenly Hide realizes that time had indeed passed. That despite the drumming of his stupid heart, the person sitting across him might not be the same person he spent most of his childhood with. And he would be lying if the thought doesn't send chills down his spine.
He remembers one of the announcements he read back in the office. SS-Rank Eyepatch, they now call him.
Has Hide invited a demon into his home?
But he shakes his head and tells himself that it doesn't matter. That if he really have changed, he would have been dead meat in more ways than one by now. A gentle scolding proves how he's right, but the nagging suspicion is still there. His friend is careful in choosing his words, and even mutters some lies as if it means nothing, as if it's something he now does on a daily basis, and it hurts him because this is what left of their mutual trust.
Can't you trust me anymore? He wants to ask. The bitter aftertaste of coffee in his mouth is nothing compared to the now suffocating tightness in his chest. Am I not worthy enough for you to trust?
He tries to push the thoughts away because he can just feel the frustration beginning to prickle his eyes and the last thing he'd want is crying in front of his one. Plastering one grin on his face, the cheeriest one he can pull, he reaches forward and decides to show him his treasure. He tries to ignore his reaction of flinching and closing his single eye as he nears him because hey, at least he has the decency to attempt control his hunger when food is presented before him. And it shouldn't really hurt much because he is nothing but a damn meat for him now.
“Surprise!" Man, he hopes he doesn't hear the way his voice cracks. "I thought you’d be too busy to catch up and she was around so I’d save you the trouble getting it.” Book is always the solution to win his heart and he is so ready, so ready to see him pull that damn facade off and show him the excitement of a kid he used to have whenever a new Takatsuki Sen book is finally on his hands. So ready to pull him into a bone crushing hug and tell him see? Nothing changes, right?
But then he says it–says he already owns it and Hide, no, Hide's heart falls. He sees his dearest clamps his hand over his own mouth, but it really has no use, isn't it?
What was I thinking? He echoes silently as he forces a bitter laugh out. Even after all these months, even after vowing he'd stop waiting, he still can't seem to get that one thing he's been trying to drill into his thick head.
You're not his one and only anymore. He's changed. Things changed. Everything changed, and some things just won't ever be the same.
He's trying to change the subject, poorly, he might add, and he would laugh because at least that part of him didn't change, but the tension is rising between them, and he's tired.
Very tired.
He sees his friend and has to fight down the urge to grab his shoulder and demand him to answer why; why isn't he enough? Why did everything change, why even after countless of sleepless nights and mountains of researches and god knows how many tears and fucking messages he still can't be enough for him? He tries to explain to him, to tell him how much he means to him, how the months he's been missing fucks him up in so many ways, but it just feels wrong. The confession is on his lips but they just won't come out.
And then his one smiles, it's such a tiny, discreet one but Hide sees the way the corner of his lips tugged upwards and he realizes; this is it. This is why he comes. He's not here to say hello, he's here to say goodbye, to give him closure to whatever relationship they have, to make sure he doesn't leave any unfinished business behind.
"Just friends?"
He's faking it. He's trying to look like he regrets hearing it, but Hide knows better, doesn't he? Hide always knows better and cares deeper and it's emotionally exhausting being on the receiving end but if this is the last one, if this can end all the pain, the he'd do it. There's only so much time his heart can take beatings and no matter how much he hates it, he's not brave enough to be able to continue pulling a strong front for more months or years to come. It will stab him repeatedly in the process and it will hurt, yes it would, but he knows time will heal everything. It might take years to forget that beautiful eye and that beautiful face and that beautiful smile and that beautiful voice, but he will.
Eventually.
This is it.
Taking one deep breath, Hide braces himself to tell Kaneki the biggest lie in his life, and prays to whatever god he can think of so he can survive.