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Maybe this was just his fate at this point. The cycle never failed to repeat itself; everytime they travelled anywhere, be it in Korea or abroad, this happened to some degree.
Soobin didn’t know what had caused him to have such strong anxiety about sleeping in another place he isn’t used to. Ever since he was a child he could remember sleeping over at a friend's place, being all excited and playing all day with them, but it was when they were going to sleep that the feeling hit him. The loud beating of his heart, the suffocating feeling in his throat and the urge to just do anything to stop the rush of screaming thoughts. The first time it happened he was terrified out of his mind, not knowing what was happening to him at all. Being so scared every time, he couldn’t control the tears flowing so he would just cry until his parents would pick him up at 12 am. As he grew older he realised that he needed to hide these feelings, that he just had to live with them in secret. He started to avoid trips that involved him staying the night, same goes for staying at friends' places past the dark hours. At the times he couldn’t avoid these situations he would have to bring that certain distraction to at least help him to get exhausted enough to just pass out.
This time around was no different. As they had heard the news of them going to the US to play at a big convention everyone instantly blew up in smiles. It is always amazing to be given the opportunities to perform in front of large audiences. Soobin was smiling from ear to ear; it was a genuine one but he also knew that they were still going abroad. That he will be sleeping away from home and that he won’t be able to distract himself in the same way he always does when things get too much.
None of the members knew that he couldn’t sleep at other places than his home. It is not something that he is proud of so why would he tell the others? He didn't need Yeonjun to be worrying about the leader not being able to handle all situations that arise; he wanted his hyung to see the best in him and not his weaknesses. Telling the younger ones would be an even worse idea. They should be able to look for strength in him and tell him their worries, not the other way around. He knows that he should get help for this; for the sleeping problems and for the increase of scars on his body but it is not like they have time either to deal with all that. Soobin just needs to bite his tongue and bear with it as long as he can. If that period is his whole life then so be it, just wanted no one to know.
- - - -
Eyes wide open as the thoughts rushed around inside his head, it was too much to handle for Soobin. He could feel his chest rising up and down at a rapid pace, his eyes getting moist as he tried to hold back the tears and his whole body quivering despite the room being not cold at all. Despite all efforts to try and calm down by himself nothing worked, or he knew one thing that would work but it is not like he can do that now. They are stuck in another country for the next couple days. There is nowhere to run to and take out that trusty blade of his that was the solution to all his problems. Soobin knew he would panic as soon as the night hit them but he really had no clue on how to solve the problem in a healthy way; he can’t tell the others, they don’t need to worry about him about something so small. It would just be this night that he would struggle, then he would be fine.
Slowly he removed the soft duvet from his body, placed his feet on the carpeted flooring and quickly made his way to the bathroom. It is not like he could scream or anything in it but at least it provided some kind of privacy and comfort. He locked the door behind him and let out a shaky breath. Without much resistance he slid down against the edge of the bathtub until he fell with a thud against the tiled flooring.
‘You need to fucking calm down Soobin, you are just abroad it is not that big of a deal’. It was like his brain couldn’t understand that nothing was wrong, that he was safe and sound, that there was nothing that could hurt him here. Right outside that door Yeonjun is laying in bed. He is not alone in this but at the same time it felt like it.
The quivers became more intense and he could feel his whole body vibrating from the inside out. In a frustrated motion he grabbed his own arms as hard as could to try and stop the shaking; it didn’t help. Soobin just wanted to escape from the body he was in. He didn’t wanna feel these emotions anymore. He didn’t wanna feel the need to slash his skin open every time he felt this way but gosh, there was no other way to stop the train of thoughts in his head.
Driven by the need for a distraction Soobin rapidly started looking around the spotless bathroom for anything he could use. The edge of the broad sink there were some packaged things, looking like the usual things you would get for free at this kind of hotel.’There must be a razor among those things, there must be’ he thought crawling towards the polished sink. With a trembling hand he reached for the products and they all fell to the floor soundlessly. In a ushered moment he was ripping open all the packages, desperate for something that would paint his legs and arms a crimson red. Lastly he pulled out a single use razor. Now he just needed to get the blade out of it. Not being able to think straight he started to bang the plastic razor against the edge of the sink, not caring about the sound he was making, trying to break away the blade from its original place. After a couple of hits the sound of metal hitting the tiled floor was heard; he had succeeded.
Soobin made his way back to the bathtub, thinking that he would just take his edge of things and then wash it away in the shower. He pulled up the edge of his shorts, being met with thighs looking like a chef's cutting board more than anything. The mess of scars didn’t make the head space he was in much better but he knew that those marks weren’t all for nothing. With his right hand he lowered the blade towards his thigh and just went wild for a lack of better wording. The blade wasn’t sharp so he had to use much force to get the result he wanted. Slash after slash was made.
It wasn’t until he couldn’t see his thigh anymore that he moved on to his arms, somewhere he hadn’t touched like this before. He made the first cut more carefully than previously but soon he was on the cutting again, making random marks all the way around and up his arm. Soobin was staining both his shirt and shorts at this point with all the blood pooling around and on him.
It had started to become too painful to continue after a while, the adrenaline had started to die down inside of Soobin, that didn’t mean though that he felt any better, By this point he was usually fine to continue whatever he was doing before but right now he didn’t want anything more than to cut up his whole body or just disappear in to himself. Why? Why was this happening to him? Fresh tears had started running down his cheeks. That he had any left was more surprising than anything. The blood loss was starting to get to him as well. Even just sitting down made his head spin. No way he would be able to clean himself and the bathroom without tumbling over at any point.
Hadn’t he been so stuck in his thoughts he would have heard the rustling of a duvet and the shuffling sound of footsteps getting closer. It was then he heard the knock on the door followed by a familiar voice.
“Soobin, are you in there? Can you open the door for me?” Yeonjun had heard him, this was the last thing he wanted. He could not see him like this, blood flowing out of his legs and arms because of him not being able to control his damn emotions.
As the seconds passed of Soobin not opening the door or making any sound for that matter Yeonjun could bear the worrying feeling inside of him anymore. “If you don’t open the door I will have to break it in myself, would you want that?” It came off as threatening but in no way did Yeonjun actually wanna scare Soobin. The leader just sat paralyzed on the tiled floor still, not having the energy to react.
It didn’t take long for the door to be unlocked from the outside and his only hyung stepped in. “Soobin, what happened?” Yeonjun was seemingly calm on the outside but inside he was feeling like the world just ended, this wasn’t what they expected when his leader had locked themselves in the bathroom crying. How did he even do this to himself? How could he even do this to himself?
“I…I…don’t wanna talk about it.” That is where Yeonjuns heart broke for real. Even when he was shaking and had tears flowing down his cheeks mercilessly, his younger brother still chose to not give in to his true feelings. Still wanting to be strong in front of everyone. Slowly Yeonjun made his way over to the broken human in front of them, crouching down so they were at eye level with Soobin.
“Will you let me take care of you at least for now, hmm?” Soobin could only nod in response; his voice was not trustworthy anymore. Maybe he could at least let someone in on his painful secret.