Archive of Our Own

Beomgyu doesn’t remember how Soobin became his friend. 

They were around five or six when they started going to each other’s houses almost every day. They waited for the other at school and spent the whole day together. 

For their first sleepover, the plan was to wait up to see the sunrise together, of course that didn’t happen, for the two of them were fast asleep before ten. 

It was like that for the years to come. 

“This song is good.” Soobin nodded his head to the beat. 

“My dad gave me this CD with his music mix.” Beomgyu smiled with a gap from his missing teeth. 

“I want one.” 

“I will make you one.” Beomgyu jumped off his bed to grab a notebook, he flicked a few pages before taking a pen. “Let’s do a list of songs.”

“This song, I don’t know its name.” Soobin crawled closer to where Beomgyu sat at the edge of the bed. 

“It’s called Iris.” Beomgyu notes it down on his list. 

“Then, Mister by KARA.”

“Ah,” Beomgyu frowned, “But you just started the mix with rock.”

“Girls’ Generation, Gee.”

Beomgyu glared at him, but wrote it down regardless. “I will add some of my own.”

“Ring Ding Dong by Sh-“

“I will add Fireflies by Owl City.”

Soobin pouted. “But I don’t know that song.”

“Yes, I am doing you a favor. This song will be the greatest song in history, just wait a few years and you’ll see.”

Soobin shrugged. “Can’t beat Shinee.”

The next song started playing and Soobin gasped loudly, Beomgyu smiled and added it to the list with a nod. Because at nine years old, having a soundtrack for their friendship is very important. 

+

While trying to catch popcorn with his mouth, Beomgyu almost stumbled backwards to the floor. “Soobin, look at this.”

He threw the popcorn in the air again, this time catching it perfectly. Beomgyu looked at his friend, proud of himself. 

“Soobin, are you crying?”

“No?” Soobin was too busy watching the film on the screen in front of them. His eyes were teary as he watched the rerun of 13 Going On 30, with the main character crying at her friend’s wedding day, realizing it’s too late. 

“They get together at the end.”

“I know they do, but…” 

Beomgyu turned to the screen, it was Soobin who loved rom-coms. Usually, Beomgyu would rather watch some comedy or adventure films, he’s even getting into horror movies lately. 

But just like Soobin lets Beomgyu play his music, Beomgyu lets Soobin pick the movies. 

“Even Twilight was better than this.” Beomgyu sighed, throwing himself back on the couch. 

“You just liked Twilight because you like to see Jacob take his shirt off.”

Beomgyu blinked, he could feel the heat going up his chest. After not getting an answer, Soobin turned to see him, his eyes were still teary but he smirked once he saw that he caught Beomgyu off guard. 

“I don’t.”

“You’re too obvious.” Soobin sat back so their shoulders were touching. “Now shut up, they’re getting together.”

+

“Beomgyu what is that?” Soobin scrunched his face up at the sheet presented to him. 

“It’s a contract.” Beomgyu stubbornly replied, like it’s the most obvious thing, as he slid a paper sheet on Soobin’s desk. 

“Okay.” Soobin raised a brow as he looked at it. “Why?”

“If we reach the age of 25 without being married, we marry each other.” 

Beomgyu copied the idea from a movie they watched some days ago. Actually, more than one film mentioned how they had a Plan B for their future. If Beomgyu was stuck watching those movies, he might as well pay attention to the plot, right?

“You’re stupid if you think I’ll be unmarried by 25.” Soobin rolls his eyes. 

“Well, if you think you’ll be married by then, sign it.” 

“Fine.” Soobin rolled his eyes, he clicked his pen and signed with his name where it was signaled, he gave the pen to Beomgyu and let him do the same. 

“Now we have to seal it with our blood.”

Soobin whipped his head up. “Blood?”

“I’m kidding, we can put our fingerprints with red ink.” Beomgyu picked a red marker from Soobin’s pencil case and painted his own thumb red to press it next to his name. 

Soobin did the same and stared at it. “And if we don’t follow through?” 

“Then… We both have to dye our hair pink.” Beomgyu pointed at his own head. 

Because at nine years old, Beomgyu could compare semi-permanent dye to marriage. 

+

At fourteen, Soobin got his first girlfriend. 

She was sweet, but she was quiet, meaning that Beomgyu couldn’t hold a conversation with her without getting frustrated. She also didn’t like to game, therefore, Soobin spent less time gaming with Beomgyu to be with her. 

Beomgyu doesn’t want all his attention, he just wants to spend some time together. Just the two of them. He is getting tired of having to see Nari all the time, controlling what he’s saying and trying to get her to speak up just to fail once again. 

“We can still meet up even if we don’t spend the whole day gaming, you know.”

“But you still can have a life and a girlfriend at the same time.”

“Maybe I want my girlfriend to be part of my life.” Soobin crossed his arms. 

Beomgyu raised his brows as he played with the eraser on his desk. He sat alone at the back now, since Soobin moved seats to be closer to his girlfriend. 

“I get it,” Beomgyu nodded, avoiding Soobin’s eyes. “Your best friend isn’t part of your life anymore.”

For a moment, it was silent. Beomgyu dared to look up at Soobin’s face, which was blank. 

“Woah.” Soobin frowned. “You are so annoying.”

He left the classroom after that, leaving Beomgyu alone as everyone else was having lunch. He clenched his jaw and looked back at the white eraser between his fingers. 

Now, Beomgyu has been called annoying before. He is loud, talkative and over energetic, so it’s usual for people to get tired or irritated with him. Even Soobin has called him annoying on multiple occasions since they met. 

But there was something in the way that Soobin spat those words that just stung. They burned in Beomgyu’s chest and behind his eyes and he doesn’t know why there is a knot forming in his throat. 

Losing all appetite, Beomgyu just rested his head on top of his book and closed his eyes. Because at fourteen you’re not supposed to cry at school anymore. 

Normally, they just ignore the little fights. They find each other again and forget about what happened, moving on just like that. 

Beomgyu waited for Soobin at the school gates, they always meet up to take the bus together after class. He spotted his tall friend walking out of the building, putting on the best fake smile he could to raise a hand. 

Once Soobin made eye contact with him, Beomgyu spoke. “Soob-“

Just like that, Soobin walked past him, making sure that his shoulder hit Beomgyu’s, pushing him slightly to the side. 

Beomgyu chuckled ruefully, looking at Soobin as he found Nari waiting for him to walk together. 

“Okay.” Beomgyu nodded to himself. “Okay, whatever.” 

If Soobin wants to be petty, they can both be petty. 

He goes to the bus stop, being met by someone from his school. Beomgyu sat quietly at his side, trying not to be obvious as he stole a glance at the older boy at his side. 

It was Choi Yeonjun, a year older than him, who was now the focus of school rumors after he apparently came out as gay. 

They get on the same bus and the only seat available is right next to Choi Yeonjun. Beomgyu could stay standing up the rest of the trip, it’s actually a short one to his house, but Yeonjun looked directly at him and cocked his head towards the seat by his side. 

He has no choice now (he does), so he sat down next to him again. 

“Are you okay?”

“Uh?” Beomgyu has to check that Yeonjun is actually talking to him. “Yeah.”

“You sure? You looked like you were about to cry.” 

Beomgyu hid his face away from Yeonjun, it’s always when someone says something like this that made him really want to cry. “Just fought with a friend.” 

“Why?”

Shrugging, Beomgyu sat back and rested against the seat. “He doesn’t want to hang out with me anymore, because he has a girlfriend now, because she is boring and quiet and I am annoying.” 

“He said that?” Yeonjun raised his brows when Beomgyu nodded. “Maybe he didn’t mean it like that.”

“He did.” Beomgyu sighed. “Anyways, how was your day?”

Yeonjun gave him a half smile. “Terrible.”

Beomgyu bit his lip, he kind of knows that everyone is gossiping about Choi Yeonjun, but he doesn’t know how he was being treated in his grade. He doesn’t know if he should ask, maybe Yeonjun wasn’t comfortable with the topic, maybe it really was just a rumor. 

“You’ve heard.” Yeonjun turned to look out the window. 

“Yeah, but… I don’t know.”

“It is true.” 

Yeonjun still faced the window, visibly tense. Beomgyu nodded and took a pack of jellies from the pocket of his jacket. “Do you game?”

“What?” Yeonjun turned back to him, watching as Beomgyu popped a green jelly bear into his mouth. 

“Do you play video games?” Beomgyu chewed as he waited for an answer. “I’m going to the PC room, we can play something.” 

The frown on Yeonjun’s face faded away, he nodded with a smile when Beomgyu offered his pack of jellies. 

Beomgyu drummed his fingers against his desk when he noticed a lanky figure standing in front of him. 

“Hey, I saw-“ 

He stood up, walking out of the class with closed fists by his side. If Soobin wanted to act like nothing happened now, then he needs to know he’s too late. 

“Beomgyu.” Soobin called behind him. 

Beomgyu pushed the bathroom door open and got inside, he could hear Soobin walking in behind him. “Are you here to watch me pee?”

“I’m here to talk.”

“Too bad, you’ll have to watch me pee.” Beomgyu fake pouted, he unzipped his pants before turning around to the urinals. 

“Beomgyu.” Soobin repeated. “Are you angry because of yesterday?”

“I’m not angry.” 

Silence. Just them and pee. Beomgyu can’t believe Soobin isn’t leaving. 

“Do you think I’m stupid?”

“I do.” Beomgyu turned around with a smile, he zipped his pants up and was ready to bump Soobin’s shoulder on his way out as payback. 

“Wash your hands.” Soobin pointed. 

He hesitated, considering following through with his original plan of leaving dramatically with a shoulder bump and dirty hands. Beomgyu sighed, he washed his hands silently before turning back to his best friend. 

“See?” Beomgyu put up his wet hands. “I do listen to my friends, not like other people.” 

And he left with a shoulder bump and clean hands. 

A pack of jellies hit his desk, right next to where Beomgyu rested his head. He faced up, already knowing that he would find Soobin towering over him. 

“Sorry.” Soobin pouted. 

Beomgyu sat up, he glanced at the pack on his desk, it was the big one. “What for?”

“For ignoring you.” He looked down. “And calling you annoying.”

At least he knows. 

“Apology accepted.” Beomgyu picked up the snacks. 

Soobin smiled, finally, and sat on the empty chair in front of him. “Good.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be eating lunch with your girlfriend?”

“I told her I had to speak to my best friend.” Soobin scrunched his nose, leaning closer to him. “And you’re skipping lunch a lot lately.”

Beomgyu shrugged. “Just not in the mood.”

“Let’s go eat something later.”

“I have other plans, actually.”

“Huh?” 

“Yeah, I found someone to replace you in my team, he plays a lot better too.”

“Hey.” Soobin frowned. “Who is it?”

“Choi Yeonjun, from grade nine.”

“But he’s…” 

Beomgyu plays dumb as Soobin licks his lips, there is a silent gaze between the two and something inside Beomgyu burns. 

“I’m hanging out with him today.”

Soobin shrugged, grabbing a pen from Beomgyu’s desk. “You’ll be mine for the weekend.”

“Yours? Ooh.” Beomgyu chuckled as Soobin grabbed his hand and started drawing on the back of it. “Don’t let Nari hear you like this, she will get jealous.”

Soobin finished drawing and let go of his hand, now with a smiley face on it. “You’re the only one that gets jealous.”

“Me?” Beomgyu grabbed his hand forcefully and started drawing a circle. “Jealous? Never.”

Soobin hummed, watching Beomgyu draw another circle next to it. “What are you—? No.” 

He took his hand away just as Beomgyu was drawing the shaft. “Oh, let me finish.”

“Beomgyu, it’s huge.” Soobin whined as he saw the drawing of a penis that started on his hand and went past his wrist. 

“That’s what she said.” Beomgyu stuck his tongue out. 

+

Beomgyu finished his second beer and, of course, for a fifteen year old that meant already being buzzed by the alcohol. 

He looks around searching for his friends, his eyes landing on Soobin, who’s kissing Nari. Beomgyu has never seen the couple kissing, he thinks, Nari seemed too innocent to even give him a peck —Yet here they were devouring each other’s faces. 

Feeling the sudden urge (hormones?) of being with someone like that, Beomgyu searched around the room again, noticing people sitting in a circle. He walked closer and smiled as he noticed one of them placing a bottle on the ground. 

“Truth or dare?” The game started as he made some space to sit, hearing some questions that were being asked. 

Finally, the first dare. “I dare you to make out with the hottest boy here.” The girls giggled as their friend looked at every boy sitting in the circle, her eyes stopped when she saw Beomgyu and that really gave his ego a boost. 

He nodded, letting her know that he was in, so she crawled in front of him and grabbed his face as the girls squealed. 

Beomgyu has kissed many girls, he’s been told that he’s a good kisser, girls often choose him for these kinds of games. 

It never felt like others described, it didn’t give him butterflies in his belly or fireworks behind his eyes, it never felt like any of that. 

He liked it. He liked the rush, the tease, he liked the feeling of being wanted. It feels okay. But it’s not what others say it feels like. 

The kiss lasted around ten seconds and people cheered for them. He glanced towards Soobin, who was still kissing Nari. Does he feel good when he kisses her? 

There is a slight push on his side, he looks back to find Yeonjun smiling at him as he sits. 

Just his luck, the bottle pointed at Yeonjun as soon as he settled on the carpet. “Truth.” He said as he rested back on his hands. 

“Is it true that you stick it up your butt?” 

“Why? Wanna do it?” Yeonjun smirked at the boy in front of him. 

“Just answer the question.”

Yeonjun cocked his head to the side. “I don’t, but if you’re so curious I can show it to you.”

The group laughed, pushing the guy that asked the question as Yeonjun spun the bottle again. “Truth or dare?”

“Dare.” The girl smiled. 

Yeonjun thought. “Show us your best aegyo.”

Then, people started choosing truth and Beomgyu got bored, the bottle landed on him. “Dare!” 

“Okay, take your shirt off.” The girls squealed again when he did it. 

Yeonjun scoffed, but he didn’t look at Beomgyu’s direction the next three rounds. He was about to call for his attention when someone else sat by his side. 

“Why aren’t you wearing a shirt?” Soobin asked while someone got dared to twerk for the group. 

“Why are you joining? You can’t even do most dares with your girlfriend here.”

Soobin rolled his eyes. “We can still play.” 

They were running out of questions, so someone pulled a list from a website. “Yeonjun, truth or dare?”

“Dare.” 

The group looked around. Bingo! They got a gay dare! One of the girls pointed excitedly at the phone screen with the list of dares (Because apparently they weren’t creative enough to think if horny dares themselves). “Lick mustard off someone’s neck.”

They started pushing the boy who threw the rude question, the one that was glaring at Yeonjun still. Yeonjun leaned closer to whisper. “If they choose him, I’ll just take the penalty drink.”

“Me.” Beomgyu said, he turned to the group with raised eyebrows. “Me. I’ll do the dare with him.”

They laughed, accepting the volunteer and taking him to the kitchen in search of the condiment. They poured it on his neck carelessly since he wasn’t wearing a shirt and everyone watched excitedly as Yeonjun took a step closer. 

“Can I just take the shot?” Yeonjun asked his audience and they booed him. 

“It’s okay, Yeonjun.” Beomgyu reassured him, thinking that maybe he didn’t want to make Beomgyu uncomfortable with it, but Yeonjun didn’t look reassured as he put a hand on Beomgyu’s hip. 

He did it quickly, licking two times to clean it off Beomgyu’s neck. 

It was ticklish. Not only his neck, but his chest, under his belly, behind his head, a ticklish heat. He closed his fist and squeezed Yeonjun’s arm, it was almost like an itch inside him. 

The feeling was gone once Yeonjun pulled away and faced the window on top of the sink behind them. The people cheered and quickly moved on to more dares with food. 

“What are you doing?” Soobin exhaled as he used a napkin to wipe Beomgyu’s neck. 

“Being the life of the party.” Beomgyu chuckled nervously. Soobin hit his chest with his shirt, signaling him to put it back on. 

Someone is getting whipped cream on their belly button and calling Beomgyu over, he rushed to put the shirt back on before joining the rest. 

Once he was done with eating the cream, he wiped his mouth as he looked for Soobin and Yeonjun who were nowhere to be found. Nari was still in the kitchen, cornered against the fridge as she avoided the people there. 

“Hey.” Beomgyu approached her while dodging someone’s elbow. “Wanna do shots?”

“I don’t drink.” She raised an eyebrow at him. 

“Of course you don’t.” Beomgyu pushed her aside to open the fridge, getting another beer out. “I’m surprised to even see you at a party.”

It was something in the way that Nari looked at him that made Beomgyu’s insides boil. She looked at him like she was superior, like she was better, like she won. 

“Yeah, I’m just here for Binnie.”

“That’s cute.” Beomgyu opened his can. “Saw you swallowing his tongue earlier.”

Nari watched him take a sip. “He’s very good with it.”

“Oh, I bet.” Beomgyu took another sip. “I taught him.”

Nari’s smirk fell. “What?”

At that moment, he caught Soobin coming back from the backyard. “I said I taught him everything he knows. Did you know? He cried when he had his first boner.”

There is a big hand on his arm, he ignored it, he liked to see Nari with a different look on her face. 

“I taught him how to kiss a girl and, before that, how to jerk o—“ The big hand dragged him backwards, making him hit the fridge with his back and getting people to stare at them. 

“What the fuck, Beomgyu?” Soobin furrowed his brows. 

“What? I’m just telling her.”

“Apologize.”

“Why?” Beomgyu laughed. “Will you punch me? And if I tell her about your—“

“Beomgyu.” Soobin grabbed the collar of his shirt. 

“Just leave it, Binnie.” Nari put a hand on his shoulder. 

“My god.” Beomgyu scoffed, looking at Soobin before he looked down at Nari. “Can’t believe Soobin calls me annoying when you’re insufferable.”

His back hits the fridge again as Soobin pushed him, the contents clink inside of it. 

They looked at each other for a moment, Beomgyu was waiting for Soobin to do something with the fire he had behind his eyes, but Soobin just let go of him and took a step back. 

Beomgyu watched as Soobin took Nari’s hand in his before walking away, leaving Beomgyu for everyone to stare at before he walked the opposite direction, heading to the backyard. 

He found a familiar silhouette sitting on the grass, just in front of the swimming pool. Beomgyu sat down next to Yeonjun and watched the pool’s lights dance on his face. 

“What’s wrong?”

Yeonjun shook his head. “Go back, don’t worry.”

“I don’t want to go back. What’s wrong?” 

“You won’t get it, Gyu.”

“Then explain it.” He put the cold can against Yeonjun’s leg, he took it and drank from it before giving it back. 

“You know, it just felt like a freak show.”

“What?”

“Inside, the questions, the dares. Where does curiosity end and where does humiliation start?”

“That’s deep.” Beomgyu raised his brows. “I mean, uh, I don’t think they wanted to humiliate you. The girls enjoyed it.”

“Yeah, that is part of the freak show.” Yeonjun looked down at the water. 

Beomgyu drank more beer and looked at the water in front of them. “Sorry if I made you feel that way.” 

A hand patted his head softly, Yeonjun smiled at him. “You don’t. Your questions may be dumb, but I know you mean well.” 

“So… Can I ask one now?” 

Yeonjun chuckled. “Alright.”

“You know that… That feeling that people describe? Feeling butterflies in your stomach, everything being pink, fireworks going off when you kiss someone…”

“I think I know what you mean.”

“Do you get those? With boys?”

Yeonjun nodded with a smile. “Yes, exactly.”

“And when you kissed a girl, did it feel bad?”

“Is that how you feel when you kiss girls? Bad?”

“I asked you first.” 

Yeonjun nodded once again. “Yup. I did it because I was supposed to like it. You know what I mean? Something more… Performative.” 

Beomgyu gasped, turning his whole body towards Yeonjun. “I know exactly what you mean.”

“And how do boys make you feel?”

“Boys?” Beomgyu frowned. “I’ve never kissed a boy.”

“Do you want to?” Yeonjun raised a brow. 

“Maybe, to find out.” 

“Want me to help you find out?” 

Beomgyu’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?”

“If you want it to be.”

Beomgyu sat back. Should he? No. But he needs to find out. Maybe he just hasn’t found a good kisser. And what if Yeonjun was a good kisser? But what if he felt good just because he’s a good kisser and not because he’s a boy?

“Calm down, I didn’t say I would do it now.” Yeonjun chuckled. “Not in front of all these people that know you.”

“When?”

“Whenever you want, I’ll be there if you need me.”

“Okay.”

“It’s not like… The only way to find out if you like boys. You can also like both, or neither. You know?”

“Should I kiss more girls to see if I feel the sparkle?”

Yeonjun giggled. “If you want? Which girl do you like?”

“Uh, I think the one in red is very popular.”

“I don’t care who’s popular. I asked; which one do you, Beomgyu, like?”

Beomgyu looked at the group of people behind them, the girls laughed together at something. He watched their legs, their hair, anything that would make one of them stand out from the rest. 

A girl caught his eye, the one that put the whipped cream on her belly. That happened before he got angry at Nari for some reason, and before he made Soobin angry. 

“Did Soobin come here with you before I did?” 

Yeonjun grinned. “Soobin? Interesting train of thought.”

“We fought, but he came from the backyard.”

“Why did you fight?”

“I got angry at his girlfriend.”

“Why?”

“Because.” Beomgyu frowned, he had no explanation. “She annoys me.”

Yeonjun shook his head. “The answers write themselves.” 

+

It seemed like Soobin was ready to pretend that the fight didn’t happen, he was currently playing games in Beomgyu’s room. 

“Can I ask you something?” Beomgyu’s character kept losing. 

“Aah.” Soobin whined. “You always complain that I suck, look at you dragging the team down.”

“Can I ask you something?” He repeated. 

“What?” 

“Do you enjoy kissing Nari?” 

Soobin raised one eyebrow, he looked almost annoyed at the question. “Yes. Why wouldn’t I?”

“Oh, just— Don’t know.” Beomgyu considers telling him, but he holds back. For the first time in years, he holds back. 

“Can I ask you something, then?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you want us to break up?” 

Beomgyu frowned, leaving his controller down. “I never said that.”

“Why do you always make her uncomfortable?” 

“That’s just how I am—“

“No, that’s a lie.” Soobin looked at him. “You just make your mom jokes, you never joked about us kissing and doing… Stuff.”

“When did I ever?” Beomgyu put his hands up. 

“Nari told me that you told her that, that we kissed and did things.”

“I didn’t. I told her that I taught you how to do stuff, but verbally, like ‘hey, Soobin, when you kiss someone do this and that’ or like ‘hey, if you hump your bed-“

“See, stop.” Soobin grimaced. “Don’t go there.”

“Anyways, she heard what she wanted to hear. I never said we kissed.”

“Why were you telling her all that in the first place?”

Beomgyu shrugged. “Why was she telling me that you’re good with your tongue?”

“Nah, she wouldn’t talk like that.”

“Oh, so you trust her more than you trust me?” 

Soobin looked at him quietly for a moment. “Yeah, I trust her more.”

For some reason, that felt like a stab under his ribs. 

“Oh.”

Like a burn, like an itch, his chest is caving in and turning inside out. Nari won. She’s right, she won. She is quiet and perfect and Beomgyu is weird and annoying. 

It’s not like Beomgyu isn’t hiding something from Soobin now. That’s right. Both of them didn’t trust each other. Beomgyu trusts his new friend of a few months over his best friend of years when it comes to talking about his sexuality. 

+

They pretend like the fight didn’t happen, but it doesn’t change the fact that they’re drifting apart. Beomgyu started taking his earbuds to school, pretending that his music was too loud to hear anyone that talked to him. 

One of the earbuds got taken away from his ear, Beomgyu looked back, ready to complain, when he saw Yeonjun putting it in his own ear. “What are you listening to?”

“Adele.” Beomgyu said, even if Yeonjun already guessed once When We Were Young started playing. 

“How sad.” Yeonjun shook his head. “Why aren’t you eating lunch again?” 

“Not in the mood.”

“You’ll get sick like this.” 

“Okay.”

Yeonjun rolled his eyes, he was about to nag him again when someone clears their throat at the door. “Can I speak to Beomgyu for a moment?” 

Soobin stood there, eyes going from Yeonjun to Beomgyu. The older boy stood up and left the classroom before Beomgyu could beg him to stay. 

“What is it?” 

Soobin closed the door behind him, he was facing the ground, making Beomgyu even more nervous. “I need you to be honest with me, Gyu.”

“About what?” Beomgyu stood up from his chair. 

“I noticed it. So don’t try to deny it.”

“Notice what?” Beomgyu’s irritation grew by the second as Soobin averted his gaze. 

“The way you look at people, the way you look at us, at me.” Soobin’s eyes finally met Beomgyu’s worried ones. “I notice.”

“What about it?” Beomgyu frowned. “What do you notice?”

“You’re jealous.”

“Wha— Huh?”

Soobin took a step closer. “So, I will ask you something, and you will answer truthfully.”

Beomgyu is still frowning, his heart was already racing as he tried to keep his eyes on Soobin’s. “Ask it already, then.”

“Do you like…” Soobin gulped, “Nari?”

“Nari?!”

Soobin shushed him, taking another step forward. “Answer the question.”

“Nari?” Beomgyu laughed in complete disbelief. “Do I like Nari? Are you seriously asking me that? Do I like Nari?” 

“Just answe—“

“No.” 

“I won’t get mad if you have a crush on my girlfriend, it’s just th—“

“No.” Beomgyu repeated, annoyance growing inside him. There was something in the way that Soobin worded things that made him want to vomit. “I don’t like her, neither as a crush nor generally. I think I might actually hate her.”

Soobin furrowed his brows. “Hey.”

“You told me to answer truthfully, I am.” Beomgyu fake chuckled. “I think she’s annoying. I don’t get why you’re dating her, I don’t get how you can be around her so much and not hate her too.”

“Beomgyu, don’t be mean.”

“You’re asking if I am jealous? Of what?” Beomgyu’s eyes were wide open. “Of being in the fakest relationship I’ve seen? Or dating that bitch?”

“Beomgyu.” Soobin glared at him. “I know you’re trying to start something, but don’t be so disrespectful.”

“But—“

“Beomgyu.” Soobin deadpanned. “I don’t want to fight you. I know you want to hurt me, but I won’t stoop down to your level.” 

His jaw clenched, something burned under Beomgyu’s skin. “So?”

“So apologize for saying that.” Soobin lifted his chin up.

Beomgyu doesn’t know if he meant the things he said. Maybe he is jealous that Soobin has a girlfriend and he doesn’t. Maybe he is jealous that Soobin spends so much time with her. 

Maybe he’s upset because it feels like he lost a friend. 

Beomgyu sighed, he glared back. “You never apologized.”

“I’m sorry for suspecting that you like her.”

“No.” He shook his head. “It’s not about that, no. You left me, you ignored me, you—“

“Because you’re weird, Beomgyu.” Soobin frowned and looked at Beomgyu up and down with a disgusted look. “You’ve changed.”

“Guess we both did.” Beomgyu shrugged with a forced smile. The bell rang, students were soon filling the classroom again. 

Soobin waited for a moment, searching for something in Beomgyu’s face. It seemed like he couldn’t find it. 

+

“How’s school?” 

Beomgyu ate another fry. “Terrible.”

Yeonjun pouted. “Your grades or the people?” 

“Both.”

Yeonjun is already in high school, which meant that Beomgyu had to survive one last year in middle school alone. 

It’s not like Beomgyu doesn’t have friends, they’re just not Soobin. Nobody is like Soobin. 

“Can you believe it? Almost ten years of friendship ruined by one girlfriend.”

Yeonjun finished putting extra ketchup on his burger. “Again with that. You do realize that you also ruined it, right?”

“Maybe I called her a bitch, so what?”

“That’s a bad thing.”

“I know, that’s why I said it.”

Yeonjun chewed as his sharp eyes stared holes into Beomgyu. “Just because she annoys you.”

“Yeah, she always has this… She looks at me like she’s laughing at me.” 

“You can’t convince me that you have an excuse to be a misogynist.” 

“I’m not—“

“You are.”

Beomgyu pouted, he drank from his soda as he listened to the old music playing at the burger place. “Maybe it was too much.”

“Good.”

“But Soobin is still a bitch.”

“Firstly, I don’t like that word.” Yeonjun put down his food. “Secondly, the only bitch here is sitting in front of me.” 

Beomgyu rolled his eyes. “How is your school, then?”

“It’s okay, made some friends.”

“Are they good?”

“They’re alright.” Yeonjun shrugged. “But I also thought that my middle school friends were alright, and you know how that one turned out.”

“Am I alright?”

“Just slightly, women-hater.”

“I don’t hate women, I just hate Nari.”

“For no reason.”

Beomgyu raised both hands. “Didn’t we already change the subject?”

“Okay.”

“Are there any pretty boys in your school?”

“Oh.” Yeonjun nodded and looked up. “Hell yeah, so many. The dance team? Lord.” 

“Any crushes?”

“No, but I’d let any of them crush me.” Yeonjun chuckled as he took a sip from the straw on his drink. “You? Any crushes?”

“Do celebrities count?”

Yeonjun shrugged. “Sure.”

“You know that group that just debuted? Seventeen?” Beomgyu pointed his finger. “The one with long hair. Smash.”

“The boygroup?” 

“Yeah.”

“Smash?”

“Yeah, smash.”

“So,” Yeonjun narrowed his eyes, “You do like boys.”

“I mean, he looks very girly but… Maybe.”

Beomgyu never really took Yeonjun’s offer of kissing to find out if he liked kissing boys, simply because Beomgyu doesn’t like him. It’s not like he forgot about it. 

+

“Can I kiss you?” Beomgyu stared right into Yeonjun’s eyes. 

“I thought you didn’t want to.”

“Yes or no?”

Yeonjun frowned, taking his hand and walking away from the crowd of people. He’d just finished his performance at the school’s dance competition. 

Beomgyu was taken to a poorly lit hallway with not much room for standing. Yeonjun turned to him, still holding his hand. “Why now?”

“I think I might actually, like, really like boys.”

“Because of the dance?”

“No, well,” Beomgyu scrunched his nose, “I’ve been thinking about it for a while but, yes, I also thought the dancing was hot.”

“You sure? I don’t want it to be awkward later.”

“It won’t be, but I only want to do it if you still want to.”

Yeonjun shrugged, getting Beomgyu to shrug as a reply. Both of them laughed and, before they knew it, they’re kissing. 

Beomgyu can feel a little mustache stubble against his lips, his hand goes from Yeonjun’s jaw to the short hairs on his nape while his other hand travels down his shoulder, past his clavicle, to Yeonjun’s flat chest. He felt his knees go weak when two big hands held him by the waist. 

He liked it. He liked those details. He liked the stubble, the chest, the hair, the big hands, the deep voice groaning against his mouth, the manliness of the cologne. 

He’s too in his head. Beomgyu tries to focus again on kissing, but Yeonjun took the lead, which made noticing details easier for him. He let his mind wander, thinking of bigger hands, taller men...

The crowd cheered as another performance ended, Yeonjun pulled away and scanned Beomgyu’s face. 

“Say something.”

“Oh.” Beomgyu took a step back, taking his hands away from Yeonjun’s body. “It was good, thank you.”

Yeonjun chuckled. “You’re welcome?”

“I, hm…” Beomgyu cleared his throat. “Yeah, good, I liked it.” 

“You said you wouldn’t be awkward.”

“It’s not awkward, I’m just processing it.” 

“That you like boys?”

“At least I know I like kissing them.”

+

“I’m here to… Apologize.”

Beomgyu hung his head low, looking at his feet. 

“Why?”

“For calling you names, it wasn’t right.” He twisted his lips. “And making sexual comments about Soobin to try and turn you off.”

Nari scoffed, looking away as she sat on top of a desk. “Apologize to Soobin, he was the one that got hurt by that.”

“But I didn’t insult Soobin, I insulted you. I disrespected you.”

“Soobin is the only one that cares.”

“You should care.” Beomgyu frowned as he saw Nari playing with her fingernails. 

“Again, apologize to Soobin, not me. He was there, I wasn’t.”

“Soobin isn’t your owner, he doesn’t represent you.” 

“But he’s my boyfriend, so apologize to him.”

“That doesn’t sound feminist.” 

Nari laughs loudly. “Choi Beomgyu is talking about feminism? What a joke.”

Beomgyu clenched his jaw, graduation was close, he would never see this girl again. “Either way, I’m sorry for everything I said.” 

“I’m not sorry for anything.” She shrugged. 

+

Everyone was taking pictures at their middle school graduation and Beomgyu felt lonelier than most days. 

He looked around the field once they were done taking the photos, watching as everyone smiled at their phones, giggling at themselves and speaking to their little circle of friends. 

Beomgyu could leave without a word and nobody would notice. That’s exactly what he does, he takes one last glance at the people there before turning around to walk out the school. 

He had friends, but they weren’t real friends. He doesn’t know what a real friend is. Did he ever have one? 

“Beomgyu.”

Turning around, he noticed Soobin got even taller during the time that they didn’t speak to each other. “Hey.”

“The picture.” 

“Uh, yeah the pictures came out nice.”

“No, Gyu.” 

Beomgyu frowned. What was Soobin saying? Did he want to take a picture together? The taller got his phone out and swiped before getting what he was looking for. He passed the phone to Beomgyu, who was still confused. 

A chill ran up Beomgyu’s spine as he stared at the picture on Soobin’s screen. A picture of Beomgyu, who was —very clearly— kissing Yeonjun at his school’s dance festival. 

“I…” Beomgyu could feel his throat closing. 

“You never told me.” Soobin came closer to grab his phone. 

Beomgyu shrugged, trying to smile playfully. “You never asked.”

“True, but… Yeah, that’s true.”

“I need to leave.”

He turned around but a hand on his elbow stopped him, Beomgyu took a deep breath as he tried to calm himself down. It’s been a long day, that’s all. That’s all. 

“Beomgyu, I…” Soobin started, he cleared his throat. “If you need someone to talk to…”

“I’m okay.”

His voice cracked. 

Soobin made him turn around and brought him against his chest, he held Beomgyu’s head against his collarbone just in time for Beomgyu to start crying. 

“I’m sorry, Soobin, I’m sorry.”

“Why are you even apologizing?” Soobin let out a soft chuckle. “There’s nothing wrong.”

Beomgyu kept his hands fisted by his sides. “I didn’t want you to be disgusted.”

“No.” Soobin let go of him just enough to put a hand on his cheek, wiping the salty tears off his face as he could. 

“I promise, our sleepovers, my jokes, our games—“

Soobin broke away from the hug, which made Beomgyu wince. Did he just make Soobin realize that they’ve been so exposed to each other? 

Instead, Soobin took Beomgyu’s hands that were still glued to his sides and wrapped them around himself, forcing Beomgyu to give a proper hug to Soobin so he could throw his arms around Beomgyu’s shoulders. 

“It’s okay.” Soobin muttered against his hair. “I know. You weren’t— You would never make me uncomfortable.”

Beomgyu let himself fall onto Soobin’s chest, grabbing the back of his shirt as he cried. Why is he even crying? Catharsis? The remnants of their friendship? 

“Now I know why you loved dick jokes.”

Beomgyu looked up at him. “No… I told you, I didn’t say those things to you like that.” 

Soobin’s eyes went wide as a sob broke through Beomgyu. “Sorry, I was trying— You always joke at times like these.” He put a hand behind Beomgyu’s head and pulled him in so his face was in the crook of Soobin’s neck. “I thought I could make things less emotional with a joke, but you’re the funny one.” 

“Right.” Beomgyu breathed in Soobin’s scent. He can’t remember the last time they hugged this long, probably when they were little kids. 

Soobin’s arms basically caged him, one hand holding his head and one arm holding his shoulders as Beomgyu calmed himself down. 

Soobin caressed his hair softly, his fingers running through the strands. Beomgyu closed his eyes and relaxed against his body. 

He’s been having a hard time. He can’t deny it anymore. Beomgyu wasn’t only stressed with finals, he was lonely. He was lonely as he stood in the middle of the crowd watching Soobin avoid his gaze, he was lonely as he waited for Soobin to reply to his last text, he was lonely because he wasn’t with Soobin. 

“Do you want to head home?” Soobin asked. 

There, crying in Soobin’s arms, he felt more at home than ever before. Still, he forced his head up and looked around to see other students already walking among them. 

“Ah, they shouldn’t see you like this with me.”

“I could stay here hugging you until sunset for all I care.” 

Beomgyu smiled, he wiped his tears and pulled away. They could hug another time. He hoped. 

“That picture will reach my mom soon.” Beomgyu shook his head. “I should go talk to her before that.”

“Do you want me to come with you?”

“It’s good.”

“She will understand.” Soobin took his hand again, not stopping the contact between them. 

“I know.” Beomgyu smiled. “I don’t know why I’m crying, everything is fine.”

Soobin looked into his eyes with a frown. “Call me later?” 

+

Beomgyu didn’t call him. It just didn’t feel right. 

He got a text the next week, Soobin asked to meet up somewhere to talk, which brought them to a coffee shop. 

Beomgyu glanced around the place. “They changed the decorations.” 

“How are you?”

Beomgyu chuckled at the sudden question. “Good, everything is good. How are you?”

“Good.” Soobin mirrored. “Nari told me that you apologized to her… And you talked about feminism?”

“I’ve been reading stuff about it.”

Soobin smiled, he played with the cup of coffee in front of him. “Thank you.”

“I did it for her, not you.” Beomgyu pointed a finger at him. “She didn’t care, though.”

The taller laughed, he bit his lip as he looked away and something in Beomgyu wished that they could be as touchy as last time, there seemed to be a wall between them again. A wall that Beomgyu is building himself. 

“And, uh, I should apologize to you. I was acting weird and saying out of pocket stuff. I guess I just wanted your attention back.”

“No worries.” Soobin gave him a half smile. “What about Yeonjun? How is he?”

“Oh, yeah.” Beomgyu frowned. “He was trying to keep it a secret at his school, but, you know…”

He felt bad for that. He called Yeonjun to let him know that the picture was going around and got a sigh and a soft okay as an answer. 

Yeonjun hasn't reached out a lot this week, this reminded Beomgyu that he should try to contact him. 

“Are you boyfriends?” Soobin looked at him through his eyelashes, head low. He looked cute.

“Hah, no. Nothing like that.” Beomgyu shook his head. “That was the first, and most probably last time we kissed. I wasn’t sure I liked boys and he offered help… He just got dragged into drama for no reason.”

“And did the kiss help? With the— Finding out if you like boys?”

“I think I knew it before that.”

Soobin nodded with a knowing look. “The shirtless werewolf in Twilight.”

“Excuse you.” Beomgyu gasped. “I wasn’t talking about that. He was hot but I didn’t—“

“You wanted Mulan to stay dressed as a boy when she got together with Shang.” 

Beomgyu stared at him as Soobin began counting with his fingers. “I thought it would be fun.”

“You read Shinee fanfiction.” Soobin put another finger down. 

“I was curious!” 

“You wrote Shinee fanfiction.”

“How do you know that?!” Beomgyu shut his mouth and looked around the place when he caught himself raising his voice. 

“Does this make you uncomfortable?” 

“No, but you’re just listing random things that—“

Soobin put another finger down. “You think my butt is nice.”

“I never said that.” Beomgyu gasped loudly. “What?”

“You did once, you were drunk. But you were also right, I have an amazing ass.”

“Enough, okay.” Beomgyu raised his hands. “I get it, you noticed I liked men before I did. Good job.”

“Also, just getting this out there, I was never uncomfortable. I could strip myself naked in front of you and my only concern would be that I’m not going to the gym.”

“Don’t.” Beomgyu closed his eyes, trying to think of anything else but the image Soobin just described. 

“Too much?”

“Can we talk about literally anything else?”

Soobin pressed his lips in a fine line, finishing his coffee before speaking up again. “We’re going to different high schools.”

“Seems like it.”

“Let’s stay in touch.”

+

“My new desk mate is so pretty, oh he is so beautiful. Yeonjun, I’m going to have a heart attack.” Beomgyu clutched his chest, falling against the wall at their side. 

“Remember when I said nobody here was homophobic?” Yeonjun grabbed him by his shoulders. “I lied. I am. Please shut the fuck up.” 

“I am so in love with him.”

“You met him a couple hours ago, you Disney prince.”

“You think I’m a prince?” Beomgyu pretended to tuck his hair behind his ears, laughing when Yeonjun gave him a disgusted look.

“Pretend that you don’t know me.”

“You have to help me get him to fall for me.”

“The plot for the new Mission Impossible movie…”

“Please?” Beomgyu pouted, looking up at him with puppy eyes. Yeonjun pretended to gag. 

“I hate my desk mate, I’m divorcing him.” Beomgyu sat down next to Yeonjun, making him groan. 

“You fell out of love on the same day?” Yeonjun furrowed his brows. 

“He’s so annoying.”

“Sounds like a match made in heaven.”

Beomgyu punched his shoulder, squealing when Yeonjun punched back. 

“It’s different. I am funny-annoying.”

“Debatable.”

“But he’s just annoying-annoying. Smartass-annoying. He kept correcting me about everything.”

“Bye, Beomgyu.” A boy smiled at him as he walked past them. Beomgyu smiled back and gave him a slight nod. 

“Woah.” Yeonjun gasped once they were out of earshot. “Who’s that?”

“My ex husband, Taehyun.”

“The desk mate?” Yeonjun looked back with raised brows. “Can I marry him instead?”

Beomgyu tried to punch him again, but Yeonjun got his arm first, making him shout out a cry as he twisted it. 

+

“I have a friend that used to cry with movies like this.” Beomgyu pointed at the screen in front of him, where Love, Rosie was playing. 

Does he have that friend or did he? 

“Did they cry with this one?” Taehyun turned to him. 

After some months, the two classmates became close friends. Under the pretext of studying together, they started going to each other’s houses, just to end up like they were now; laying in bed and watching movies. 

“Don’t think we got to watch it together, but he probably did.”

Right off the bat, the movie started with the clear two love interests not being together, something that Soobin would’ve whined about. 

“Maybe you’ll get to meet him on my birthday.” 

Taehyun smiled. “Are you going to have a party?”

“Maybe, yeah. Or we can just eat some pizzas and chill.”

Beomgyu is not as loud as he used to be, but he’s still a popular kid. He can’t help it, everyone just loves to have him around (as he would say before Yeonjun rolled his eyes). 

“I’ll help you with whatever you do.” 

Taehyun rested his head on his hand, they were laying on their bellies while ignoring some scenes of the movie. To be honest, they don’t usually watch rom-coms, but Beomgyu has been craving something of this genre lately. 

“You’ll decorate my house?”

“I will.”

“You’ll… Make the pizzas?”

Taehyun giggled. “I can try.”

Beomgyu tried to focus back on the movie, but Taehyun’s giggle echoed in his mind. Taehyun is cute, he knew that from the moment he first saw him some months ago, but that’s about it. 

+

“That’s Taehyun, Beomgyu’s got a huge crush on him.” 

Beomgyu gasped, taking Yeonjun’s pointing finger and lowering it. “Are you crazy?” 

“Oh, really?” Soobin let out a chuckle. 

“No.” Beomgyu glared at Yeonjun one more time. “It’s not a crush.”

“Then, he’s head over heels in love with him.” Yeonjun smirked. 

The birthday boy denied it with his head. “I called him pretty once.”

“Yeah, once a week.” 

“Shut up.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes, and then turned to Soobin. “Wanna drink something?”

“Oh, uh, sure.” 

They walk through Beomgyu’s living room, dangerously close to Taehyun, who smiled at the two. Beomgyu gets a beer for Soobin, catching him staring at the shorter boy. 

“Hey, stop.”

Soobin looked back, quickly changing his expression with a smirk. “Don’t get overprotective.”

“It’s not that.”

“Is that your type?” 

“Type?” Beomgyu glanced at Taehyun, making eye contact with him. “Shit, uh… I guess? I find cute boys… Cute.”

“Cute.” Soobin repeated. 

Beomgyu got too busy after that, he was making sure that everyone got in, that everyone had enough drinks or that everyone knew where the pizza was. A hand dragged him to his living room, where a group of people sat in a circle. 

He smiled when he saw the bottle on the floor, someone shouted they should play seven minutes in heaven and the bottle was passed to the birthday boy. 

“I get seven minutes with who it lands on?”

He got a positive response and looked around the circle. Oh, to be a hormonal bisexual surrounded by attractive people waiting to kiss him. 

Taehyun sat down at the circle when Beomgyu spun the bottle and everyone watched. 

“No, I have to spin it again.” 

“Rules are rules.” Yeonjun laughed as he motioned the two to stand up. 

Beomgyu frowned at Soobin, who stood up with him after the bottle landed on him. He’d just blocked a chance of making out with someone in his laundry room. 

Yeonjun closed the door after them and shouted that the time started, Beomgyu turned around and pouted at Soobin. 

“Why are you here when you can’t play?”

“You wanted it to land on Taehyun, right?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes. “Anyone. I just wanted to kiss someone that isn’t in a relationship.”

Soobin gave him a half smile. “Nari broke up with me.”

“Are you serious?” Beomgyu furrowed his brows.

“A while ago, yeah.”

“You never told me.”

“You never asked.”

Beomgyu bit back a smile, Soobin chuckled, clearly happy for getting the reference right. “May I ask why?”

Soobin shrugged his shoulders. “We grew up and realized what love really is or isn’t.”

“That’s… I’m sorry, I should’ve been there for you.”

“For some reason, it didn’t hurt at all. I saw it coming, I was just stubborn.” 

Beomgyu rested his hip against the washing machine behind him. Soobin followed suit and placed himself by his side. 

Soobin clicked his tongue. “I don’t think this is how you play seven minutes in heaven.”

“I wanted to be making out with someone, but they didn’t let me spin the bottle again.”

“Aren’t I someone?”

Turning to face him, Beomgyu was met with a smile. “You almost made me think you were serious.”

Soobin stared at him for a moment before leaning down closer to his face. “What makes you think I’m joking?”

Beomgyu’s smile faded as he glanced briefly at Soobin’s mouth. “You can’t be serious.”

“Why not?” Closer, his noses are almost touching. 

It’s itchy. It’s tickling under his belly, it’s buzzing in his blood. He tried to angle his face to the side and Soobin didn’t lean away. 

It’s a slight pain in his chest as he breathed in Soobin’s air. It didn’t seem like a joke, it didn’t feel like a joke, but it felt as if he shouldn’t do it. Like Soobin would step back and laugh at him once he closes the gap. 

“I thought you wanted to play.” Soobin murmured against his lips, looking between Beomgyu’s eyes and lips. 

Beomgyu’s hand was heavy as he lifted it to rest on Soobin’s jaw. 

He would be lying if he said that he never fantasized about this. It was pushed to the back of his mind, it was wrong and inappropriate. Soobin was his straight friend that trusted him not to get objectified. 

But Soobin was his straight friend that visited him during his dreams and had him just like this, almost trembling under his gaze. 

Something has been building inside Beomgyu for years, something that he tried to demolish and pretended not to understand. 

“Okay.”

He put it out there like a warning before closing his eyes and slowly closing the gap, slowly pressing their lips together. If he ever let himself imagine this moment, it was always rushed and heated, but this was shy, tender, it was gentle and adorable. 

Soobin was the first to move, parting his lips to capture Beomgyu’s top lip. The flame in his chest felt like a fire that reached his throat as Beomgyu kissed back, so softly. 

“Time!” 

Both of them pulled back, looking at the door before Yeonjun opened it. 

“You really didn’t do anything? How boring.”

Beomgyu faked a laugh. “Told you we had to spin it again.” 

It was a three second kiss. It didn’t compare to the intensity of most kisses that Beomgyu had given in his life, but it surely was powerful enough to leave him feeling high. 

“You’re playing truth or dare now?” Beomgyu sat down in the circle. He didn’t want to look back at Soobin. Not with his heart beating this hard against his chest. 

“We always end up like this.” 

Beomgyu just found himself in a horny friend group, that’s all, everyone (including him) just wanted someone to kiss for the night. And Soobin was his friend. And Soobin was recently single. So it was reasonable for Soobin to do what he just did. Right?

“Beomgyu, truth or dare?”

“Already? Truth.”

His friend smirked. “Do you have a crush on someone?” 

“Yes.” He gasped when he realized he just answered without thinking. It’s not a lie. He had a crush on S— Taehyun! 

“You good?” Yeonjun leaned closer to whisper in his ear. 

“Yeah, just… I need to make sure everything is okay.” Beomgyu stood up again, he headed to the empty boxes of pizza on the table and started picking them up. 

“Isn’t it too early to clean up?”

Taehyun came behind him, helping him with the rest of the boxes. 

“I forgot that throwing a party was stressful.”

“Leave it to me then, I said I would help.” 

“Thanks, but I can’t do that.” Beomgyu laughed. They went to the kitchen, where Taehyun started sorting out empty cans and bottles. “It’s fine, you can go play with the others.”

“I’m not interested anymore.”

“What do you mean?” 

Taehyun walked closer. “The boy I want to kiss isn’t playing.” 

It’s impossible not to get the hint. Beomgyu didn’t think Taehyun would be so straightforward, he also didn’t think that kissing him now was the smartest idea. 

Beomgyu was never the smartest. 

Once Taehyun got close enough, Beomgyu grabbed his face and kissed him. He searched for that fire he had earlier. He knew it was wrong to compare kisses and look for feelings in other lips. 

Their bodies were flushed against each other, Taehyun had a strong grip on his hip as he pinned Beomgyu against the counter. The kiss was heated, their tongues met, Beomgyu’s fingers pulled Taehyun’s hair. 

It was good, but it wasn’t the same. 

He’s mad that he got that electricity from a chaste and simple kiss, where they barely touched each other, but he couldn’t find that as Taehyun bit his lip. 

Beomgyu pulled away for a second, catching his breath as he rested his forehead against Taehyun’s. 

Let’s try this again. 

Beomgyu leaned forward, slowly, lips gracing Taehyun’s and finally giving him some tingly feelings again. He initiated a new kiss, soft, barely moving. Taehyun seemed to get his intentions, changing his grip into an embrace as the kiss shifted from hormonal to romantic. 

That’s what he needed, romance, a fantasy. Taehyun provided just that. 

+

They walked down the street while swinging their hands between them. The sun was out and they felt the summer heat once they stepped out of the shop. 

“The hat looks good on you.”

Taehyun smiled, his new beige hat with a little red heart embroidered to it was perched on his head. “You look good too.”

Beomgyu had a baby blue hat with a little white heart. Couple items that weren't so obvious. Beomgyu’s suggestion. 

“Is there anything you wanna do?” 

“Should we just head back to your house? It’s so hot outside.” Taehyun fanned himself with his free hand. 

“Let’s buy ice cream on our way.”

“What about a watermelon?”

Beomgyu laughed. “You wanna carry a watermelon home?” 

Taehyun was about to answer when something else caught his attention, he gasped and raised a hand. “Huening Kai!”

Beomgyu followed his eyes, meeting a tall boy that was headed towards them with a smile. Taehyun let go of his hand to greet him with a hug. 

“Long time no see.”

“You’re even taller now.”

“What are you doing here?”

Standing awkwardly to their side, Beomgyu waited for Taehyun to untangle himself from his friend. The shorter motioned a hand at Beomgyu, making his friend turn to face him. 

“I’m here with my… Boyfriend.”

“Oh.” He raised his eyebrows. “Hello.”

Beomgyu bowed his head lightly. “I’m Beomgyu.”

“Kai.” He did the same before looking at Taehyun again. “Were you going somewhere?” 

“We were about to leave.” Taehyun glanced towards his boyfriend briefly. “What about you?”

“I’m meeting my friend at the station.”

Taehyun looked at Beomgyu, he looked at him with the face he always did when he wanted to ask a favor. It was obvious that he wanted to catch up with an old friend. He nodded his head. 

“Want us to join you?” Taehyun asked with bright eyes. 

Beomgyu wasn’t really interested in socializing with anyone in this heat, he’d rather be eating that watermelon they mentioned before at his house. 

He walked behind Taehyun and Kai, barely paying attention to what they were talking about, understanding bits of it, just enough for him to figure out that these two were friends in middle school that didn’t keep in contact with each other. 

They reached the station, where Kai got his phone out to text his other friend. Great, more strangers. 

“Sorry I didn’t ask you before, we can leave if you want.” Taehyun placed a hand on Beomgyu’s arm. 

“It’s okay, you can talk to him all you want.”

Kai announced that his friend was nearby, Taehyun intertwined his arm with Beomgyu’s as they turned to greet him. Beomgyu’s heart swelled in his chest as he immediately recognized the awkwardly long limbs and dimpled smile coming their way. 

“This is my friend, Taehyun, and his boyfriend, Beomgyu.” Kai pointed at them. 

“I know this loser.” Soobin ruffled Beomgyu’s brown hair. “I don’t think we were properly introduced before, hello, I’m Choi Soobin.”

“Kang Taehyun, nice to see you again.” He gave him a small smile. 

“We didn’t have any plans.” Kai shrugged. “Should we go eat something?” 

They just go along, it wasn’t a watermelon, but Beomgyu still enjoyed his iced americano as they talked about Marvel movies. 

“Beomgyu doesn’t like these movies, he just likes weird or boring stuff.” Taehyun rolled his eyes. 

“We barely watch movies together because you keep falling asleep or complaining about everything.” Beomgyu pinched his side. 

“No, but,” Taehyun turned back to Kai who was sitting in front of him, “Even before we were together, he only suggested romantic movies.”

“Maybe to set the mood?”

“No.” Taehyun shook his head. “They were all so sad.”

“Soobin, back me up.” Beomgyu frowned. 

“I love a good movie that can make me cry.”

Taehyun raised his brows. “I see.” He smirked. “Soobin is the crying friend you always mention.”

“I mentioned it, like, twice.” 

“You like to cry with movies?” Kai frowned. 

“Weird, right?” Taehyun nodded and they started talking amongst themselves again. 

Maybe it’s because they haven’t seen each other for a long time, but Taehyun and his friend can’t seem to run out of things to talk about. 

“Is there a movie that made you cry recently?” Soobin tilted his head as he looked at Beomgyu. 

“I didn’t cry, but it felt like you would.” Beomgyu chuckled. “Have you seen Love, Rosie?”

“No.”

“No?” Beomgyu gasped. “You will love it.”

“What is it about?”

“Two friends who love each other and realize it too late, the classic.” 

Soobin picked up a napkin from the table. “You’re right, it sounds like my type.” 

“We should watch it.” Beomgyu nodded. 

“Should we all watch it together?” Taehyun joined the conversation. 

“I thought you hated it?” Beomgyu frowned. Taehyun just shook his head and sat a little closer to him. 

Twenty minutes in, Taehyun fell asleep. His head rested on Beomgyu’s shoulder as the latter was trying to keep his focus on the movie in front of them. 

“I already know I will cry.” Soobin whispered. 

“Told you.” Beomgyu smiled proudly. “You were always a sucker for friends falling in love.”

Soobin eyed him before glancing down at Taehyun on his shoulder. “Yeah.”

+

Beomgyu is a jealous guy. He learned to accept that. He’s been working on it. If by working you mean swallowing your feelings. 

He just smiled whenever Taehyun mentioned Kai, just stood by their side when they shared a painfully long hug each time they met, just looked away when the two stared into each other’s eyes as they took so long to say goodbye. 

Because the last time he felt jealous and acted on it, he ruined everything. 

Yeah, it took him some years to come to terms that he was jealous when he treated Nari like shit. Not in the way that Soobin thought, no, he didn’t have feelings for Nari. Feelings for her boyfriend on the other hand… 

Figuring out that he liked Soobin in the past wasn’t a big deal. Ever since that birthday party three years ago, Beomgyu knew he would have to accept that he did, in fact, have feelings for him at one point. 

And one day it just stopped. 

Recognizing that he was feeling jealous felt selfish. He would never call Taehyun out on it. He got together with him when his heart was still holding onto a middle school crush on his friend, the same night that he recognized the crush and started to squash it. 

Beomgyu has been trying to be a good boyfriend. 

“Let’s end it here.” 

Beomgyu and Taehyun had been going out for two years, and for more than half of that time Beomgyu already knew it was going to end like this. 

Taehyun had always planned on going to the United States to study once they graduated high school, they both knew that they wouldn’t keep a long distance relationship. 

“Couldn’t you wait for the day to be over?” Beomgyu played with his graduation bouquet. “Let’s enjoy the time we have together.” 

“It’s too painful.” Taehyun shook his head. “It’s better to rip it off like a bandaid instead of letting it kill us.”

The day was kind of over anyways, they had their diplomas and took pictures with friends. 

They didn’t take a picture together. 

“Okay.” Beomgyu took a deep breath. “You’ll be sad when you say goodbye to everyone, I can make it easier and say goodbye now.”

Taehyun faced the ground. “You can still come to the airport… Or to see me before I leave…”

Carefully, Beomgyu hugged Taehyun, letting the tears fall down. “Thank you for everything, Taehyunnie.”

He hugged back, gripping Beomgyu’s clothes. “I’m not ready to say goodbye.” 

Beomgyu wasn’t sure if he was ready for it, but he’s prepared for a while. 

+

“I didn’t know who else to call, sorry.”

Beomgyu put down his glass of soju, refilling it again. 

“I’m happy that you called me.” Soobin nodded, accepting the alcohol offer and taking a shot with his friend. 

“Yeonjun is in the military, so…” Beomgyu chuckled. “You’re in charge of witnessing my heartache now.”

“Was it Yeonjun’s job before?”

“He was in charge of all my crises. The reason why I have silver hair right now is because he wasn’t around to tell me not to do it.”

“It looks good.”

“Meh.” Beomgyu reached for more snacks, but the tray was empty. 

“Already ordered some food.” 

“See? You’re already good at your job.”

Soobin laughed, drinking a little more before speaking up again. “He leaves tomorrow, right?”

“Yup.” Beomgyu nodded. “Thing is, I knew he was going to leave me. This might sound terrible, but when we first started dating I didn't know if I loved him enough, so having this… Way out of the relationship seemed good.”

“Do you love him now?”

Beomgyu sighed. “I love him in the way that… I care for him and wish him nothing but happiness.”

“But?”

“But I don’t love him in the way that I would follow him to another country or get married to spend our whole lives together.”

“I don’t think that’s terrible.”

The food comes to their table and Beomgyu claps happily. “Can I have two more bottles? Thank you.”

“I’m just going to warn you, I won’t clean up your vomit.”

“I know my limits.” Beomgyu picked up his chopsticks. “Don’t worry.”

“Is this what knowing your limits means?”

Groaning, Beomgyu kneeled back away from the toilet seat. “Once it’s all out, I’m good as new.”

Soobin stood outside the bathroom with his arms crossed, he refused to go in while Beomgyu emptied his stomach. At least he was sober enough to stand up and flush the toilet. 

“Are you done? I promised your mom I would get you to bed.” Soobin looked inside the bathroom to find Beomgyu brushing his teeth. “Good boy.”

After giving him the middle finger, Beomgyu spat the minty foam. He still lived with his parents, so they had an awkward encounter with Beomgyu’s mom. She loves Soobin, so she paid more attention to him than to his drunken son. 

Once in Beomgyu’s room, Soobin walked towards his closet before he stopped him. “I can get my own clothes, thank you.”

“Can you?” Soobin laughed as he pushed Beomgyu to sit on the bed. He got his clothes out of the closet and threw them at Beomgyu’s direction. 

It was when Beomgyu already had his unzipped jeans down his legs that he started feeling a little shy, he could feel Soobin’s eyes on him when he took his shirt off. Turning, Beomgyu raised an eyebrow at him. 

It took a second for Soobin to look up from his body, until he made eye contact with Beomgyu. “Oh.” He looked away to the other corner of the room. “Sorry. Have you been going to the gym?” 

Beomgyu giggled. “A little.”

Soobin hummed, still looking away as Beomgyu finished changing. Things have changed since they bathed together at 8 years old. 

Last time they changed in front of each other was probably 4 years ago, when puberty had just started making changes. 

It’s weird. 

“Are you staying?” Beomgyu asked once his shirt was on. 

“I’m going home.”

“Sorry, didn’t mean it like that.” Beomgyu shook his head as he got more clothes out of his closet. “You are staying.”

Soobin chuckled but didn’t refute, standing up from the bed to grab the back of his shirt and taking it off in a swift move. 

This was not the time to find him hot and it was definitely not the time to stare down at his naked torso. Beomgyu left the spare clothes on the edge of the bed and got himself under the covers, feeling dizzy as his head hit the pillow. 

He heard Soobin going into the bathroom and opened his eyes again. Deep breaths, think of grandma, think of kittens, think of Soobin. No. Don’t think of Soobin undressing, don’t think of Soobin getting in bed. 

Beomgyu was supposed to be heartbroken right now, not having wild fantasies with another guy. 

The mattress dipped, the bed that was once big enough to have them both build a fort was now just the right size for them to lay side by side without touching. 

“We have grown.” Soobin chuckled low. “Haven’t we?”

They are both thinking the same thing. 

Beomgyu refused to look at his face up close, to look at the changes in his face, the stubble of his beard, the redefined features. He hummed instead, closing his eyes. 

“We can’t be kids our whole lives.”

“Isn’t it crazy though? It’s been… What? Fifteen years of knowing each other?”

“That’s how time works.”

“Beomgyu.” He shuffled closer to him, but Beomgyu kept his eyes closed. “Does it feel like that to you? Am I the only one stuck in time?”

Giving up, Beomgyu dared to look at him. “What do you mean?”

“I know we… Are not as close.” Soobin pouted. “But you’re still my best friend. Do you understand what I mean?”

And he understands. Beomgyu nodded. He still thinks of songs that Soobin would like, he can’t delete their pictures together and Soobin is the only one he can call when he needs someone by his side. 

“You’re still my best friend.” Beomgyu smiled. 

Beomgyu dragged his feet on the ground as he reached his kitchen, Soobin walked behind him. 

“Morning.” His mom smiled before turning to him. “Aren’t you dressed? You should be leaving for the airport.

“I don’t know if Taehyun wants me there.”

“He does.” His mom nodded. “But if you don’t want to, stay. I’ll make breakfast for the two of you.”

Soobin placed a hand on his shoulder. “We still have time, if you want to say goodbye.”

Feeling the tears fill his eyes, Beomgyu ran through the airport, Soobin followed behind him and apologized to the people that were almost pushed by Beomgyu. 

“Tyun!” 

He spotted him already hugging other people, ready to say goodbye and board the plane. Taehyun turned around, mouth open as his shoulders dropped at the sight of Beomgyu running to him. 

“Gyu.” He opened his arms so he could catch Beomgyu’s hug. “I thought you weren’t coming.”

“I thought so too.” Beomgyu breathed in his scent, pulling away slightly to scan his face. The urge to kiss his forehead out of habit was pushed back. 

“Thank you.”

Beomgyu shook his head. “Thank you, for everything. You will do great in the States, I know it.”

Taehyun beamed at him. “I will miss you.”

“Call me if you ever need someone to talk to, okay?” Beomgyu finally stepped back. 

Taehyun nodded, hands sliding down Beomgyu’s arms until they got to his hands. “You too.”

Beomgyu squeezed his hands, there were three words stuck in his throat that he never got to say out loud. Not in a romantic way, but he actually got to love Taehyun. 

Taehyun let go of his hands to wipe the tears in his face. “Bye.”

“Bye.” He said breathlessly, gulping as Taehyun nodded and went to hug the next person waiting to say goodbye. 

With a sigh, Beomgyu stepped back, watching as Taehyun got lifted off the ground by Huening Kai in a tight hug. 

“You okay?” Soobin put a hand on his back. 

“Yeah.” Beomgyu cleared his throat. “Yeah.” He repeated as he looked down at the floor. 

Soobin stood by his side for a minute, until Taehyun waved everyone goodbye and walked through the gates. Beomgyu just turned around and walked in the opposite direction. 

“I just— I thought I was so ready for this moment.” 

He did. At first, he thought it would hurt, but this past month he’s already accepted it. 

“It’s okay.”

+

Beomgyu sent the link and waited by his phone. 

Soobin | 22:31

what is it

a playlist?? for me? :’) 

Beomgyu | 22:32

shut up

i made it over the years

He’s already regretting admitting that. He should’ve just made a shorter version of it. The playlist used to have a random emoji as the title but he now changed it to ‘Songs Soobin would like’. 

He’s so cringe. 

Beomgyu | 22:34

… it’s long

Soobin | 22:34

that’s what she said

Beomgyu | 22:35

you’re so unfunny 

Soobin | 22:35 

learned from the best

(you)

Beomgyu is too busy smiling dumbly at his screen, already typing another answer when he gets a message with a link. It opens to another playlist named beomgyu. 

Soobin | 22:36

i guess you already have it

i mean… you made the cd… 

He immediately plays it, Iris by Goo Goo Dolls sound in his earphones and he wants to have Soobin in his room just to move their heads along to the rhythm like they used to. 

Soobin made a digital playlist for the mixtape that Beomgyu burned for him, the soundtrack of their friendship. 

+

Beomgyu played with the short hair of Yeonjun’s buzzcut. “Can you stop rubbing my head?”

He giggled. “It’s like a kiwi.” 

Yeonjun was finally discharged so they got together to eat some barbecue to celebrate. (He doesn’t know he’s paying).

Yeonjun rolled his eyes and drank from his beer. “How’s university?” 

“Good, I actually— Wait.” Beomgyu froze as he smiled at the older man. 

“I’m waiting.”

“I’ll graduate before you now.” Beomgyu pointed a finger at him. 

“Okay?” Yeonjun chuckled. “It’s not like it matters anymore.”

“I’ll also graduate before Soobin, he’s going to the army now.” Beomgyu sighed. “I guess you’re stuck with me.”

“Right, uhm,” Yeonjun chewed on a piece of pork as he grilled more in front of them, “Backtrack a little. You and Soobin are close again? You mention him a lot.”

“We never stopped being close.”

Yeonjun raised an eyebrow. “Well… I didn’t hear about him during high school.”

“Yeah, but… We were both too busy. We were still friends back then. If one of us ever called because we needed something we would’ve been there for each other.”

“But you weren’t.”

“What would you know? You weren’t there for my last year at high school.”

“So you became close that year?”

“We became close when we were children, thank you very much.” Beomgyu narrowed his eyes. “But no, I get what you mean. We started talking when Taehyun broke up with me.”

Yeonjun smirked at him, glancing up before serving some meat on Beomgyu’s plate. “That’s some nice timing you got.”

“Because I called him and he came. Like I knew he would.” 

“He didn’t call you when his girlfriend broke up with him, though.” 

“But I would’ve been there if he called.”

“But he didn’t.”

“I am outside your house.”

“What?” Soobin groaned at the other end of the call. “Beomgyu, it’s four in the morning.”

“Are you sure I’m still your best friend?”

There was a sigh, movement, before Soobin spoke up again. “What is it? Why are you like this now?”

“Does it matter? I want to know if you think of me as your best friend.” 

Another pause, it made Beomgyu pout as he stared at the ground, he kicked the sidewalk. Was it that hard? It’s a yes or no question. 

Beomgyu checked to see if Soobin ended the call, but it was still ongoing. “You are mine. My best friend. You know?” 

The door in front of him opened and a groggy Soobin stepped out in his pajamas and pink slippers that were too small for his feet. The phone is still pressed to his ear but he ended the call once he saw Beomgyu. 

“What happened?”

“Can’t a man just ask a simple question to his best friend?”

Soobin raised an eyebrow and laughed. “Yes, Gyu, you are still my best friend. You are also super drunk.”

“So so.” Beomgyu waved a hand. “That’s all, bye.”

“Beomgyu.” Soobin stepped closer to him. “Why did you come here?”

“To ask you that.” Beomgyu nodded his head. “Bye.”

“And why did you ask me that? I already told you that night at your house. What made you doubt it?”

“How many times do I have to say bye?”

Soobin hummed. “Two more?”

“Two more byes?” 

“Once you answer the question.”

Beomgyu shrugged. “Because… Because you are my best friend. Even if we don’t speak. Remember when I was outed in middle school before I even told you I was gay? You were also my best friend there. And when Taehyun broke up with me, you were my best friend, even if I never told you that we started dating.”

“I understand.”

“And even when I didn’t speak to you, I spoke of you. Okay? Like, Taehyun knew everything about you. Hell, maybe he even knew more about Soobin than what he knew about his own boyfriend.” Beomgyu spoke as he moved his arms around. 

“That’s not great.” Soobin said with a smile, he crossed his arms as he continued listening. 

“But maybe you never told Nari about me, I mean she hated me so— But you also didn’t tell me you two broke up. I know I never asked about her and never cared about her but… You know. It was still about you.” 

Soobin just let him speak with blurred words, nodding his head along. 

“And I always want to tell you everything, but I don’t, because maybe you don’t want to hear it. But I really want to talk to you, like, all the time. I just don’t want to be annoying.”

They stared at each other for a second, Beomgyu stumbled with his own foot and almost lost balance but he stood upright again. 

“I’m always waiting for your call, Soobin.”

The taller one nodded again, uncrossing his arms to put a hand out. “Come here.” 

Beomgyu walked clumsily to his arms, wrapping himself around Soobin for a needed hug. 

“You are my best friend, dumbass. I also want to talk to you and show you dumb things. I think of you when I buy gummies or play a game or listen to an old song. When I broke up with Nari…” He sighed, putting his head on top of Beomgyu’s. “All I could think about was you, which made me feel worse.”

“Why?”

“Because I should’ve been thinking about her.” 

Beomgyu hummed. “Sorry for waking you up.”

“It’s alright. I should get used to morning training.” 

They untangle and Beomgyu nodded. “Bye.”

“Do you want me to walk you home?” Soobin already started going after him. 

“I live two blocks away.” Beomgyu waved his hand. “I only got one left; Goodbye.” 

+

“Why did you let me do that?” Beomgyu pulled at his hair. 

Yeonjun watched him with a worried expression. “How the hell was I supposed to know you were going to confess?”

“I did not confess.” Beomgyu glared at him. “I just poured my heart out and told him I am obsessed with him.”

Yeonjun shook his head, scoffed and walked to his kitchen. “Right. So that isn’t a confession.” 

“At least he’s going to the military, so I don’t have to see him for a while and he can forget I said all that.”

“No offense, but—“ Yeonjun opened a water bottle, “I don’t know how else to say it; You’re so dumb.”

“You say that all the time, I don’t care.”

“Ever since the day I met you, you’ve been in love with Soobin. Sorry. I said it.”

“No?”

“When I met you, you were crying because he had a girlfriend.” 

“Wait,” Beomgyu frowned, “Yeah, I had a crush on him, I’ll admit that. I already accepted it.”

“Woah.”

“But I got over him once I started dating Taehyun.”

“I’m just saying, he keeps telling you that you’re still his best friend and you go around asking ‘Am I? Am I really?’ hoping that one day he will say ‘No, you’re more than that’ so you can kiss dramatically.”

Yeonjun is wrong. 

Beomgyu never wants to hear Soobin say that he’s not his best friend. 

+

“Should I join the military?” 

Soobin scrolled through his phone, laying on his bed as Beomgyu sat at his desk. “The possibility of us being placed together is really low.”

“Not to be with you.”

“Ouch.”

“Maybe I just need to do it while I’m young. What if I put it off for too long and end up doing it once I lose all my energy?” 

“I thought you didn’t want to waste your early twenties there.”

“I don’t.” Beomgyu sighed. 

“You can just wait.”

“But… If we don’t go at the same time…”

“What?”

“Nothing.”

If they don’t go at the same time, they’ll spend even more time apart. 

+

Yeonjun’s hair is almost long enough to touch his eyebrows now, Beomgyu noticed as he saw the older man fixing his bangs in front of a mirror. 

“You ready?”

“I feel underdressed.”

Yeonjun chuckled, wearing a harness over his see-through shirt and tight leather pants. “Don’t worry, people wear all kinds of things to this club.”

And they did. From extravagant outfits to just some jeans, the club was flooded with people. Gay people, to be exact. 

They danced for a while, drank, laughed, but Yeonjun found someone to spend the night with and Beomgyu wasn’t going to be a cockblocker. 

He’s not looking for anyone. He just doesn’t want to. 

His horny days of being a teenager in desperate need to label his sexuality are over. He knows he likes men (sometimes women) and he’s good with that. Right?

Beomgyu looked away once Yeonjun started kissing the man he was dancing with and thought of doing the same. He just thought of it, not really wanting to find someone to kiss. 

“I’m going home, text me when you made it safely.” Beomgyu said loud enough for the other man to hear him. 

“Do you want to go to—“

“You go fuck that guy.” Beomgyu shook his head once Yeonjun tried to go with him. “Unless you don’t want to.”

Yeonjun laughed. “Text me when you get home, alright?”

“Call me if you need help.”

“I can save myself.”

“Call me.” 

Beomgyu left the place, his ears were ringing after being surrounded by such loud noises all night. 

He got his phone out, no notifications. 

Kissing someone, taking someone home, Beomgyu thought about it as he walked down the street. He can only picture Taehyun’s small waist under his hands, his strong thighs wrapping around him. 

Beomgyu had tried it before. Tried to get a quick hookup with no strings attached, but he could never do it. He backs out the moment he kisses someone and he doesn’t like it. 

He’s over Taehyun, his chest doesn’t ache like it used to, but he’s the only person he’d take home. It didn’t feel like a normal thing. Either people are lying about it or he wasn’t like the rest. 

He thought back, back to five years ago, before he knew Taehyun, who else made him feel something close to that? Right now, is there anyone else that can make their way into Beomgyu’s fantasies? 

Beomgyu unlocked his phone, dialing a number he knew by heart. He heard it go straight to voicemail, as he knew it would. 

“Soobin.” Beomgyu smiled into the phone. “You won’t hear this for a while, I know, and you never asked but I didn’t do it last time so… I think I might be asexual? I just… How come I can be surrounded by attractive people but I can’t even be attracted to them… Maybe I’m just not over my ex… But I also thought of yo—“

He sighed, pressing the numbers until he deleted the message and dialed the number again until he heard the beep. 

“Soobin, I know you won’t hear this for a while. That’s why I’m doing it. I miss you. My head is a mess and I’m thinking of stupid irrelevant stuff and thinking about you and— I mean you’re not irrelevant or stupid. I— Fuck.” Beomgyu deleted the message again, pocketing his phone and just going home alone. 

+

“Let’s go.”

“I don’t wanna.” Beomgyu whined as he covered himself with his blankets. 

“It’s your birthday.”

“So I can do whatever I want and that is staying right here.”

Yeonjun tugged on the blanket. “I already made the reservations, I paid for those.”

“Didn’t ask.”

“Beomgyu, I am giving you free food, please.”

“I just broke up with my boyfriend, leave me alone.”

Yeonjun groaned. “He wasn’t your boyfriend and you always complained about him, you don’t care about that.”

He’s right. Beomgyu doesn’t care. Which makes it worse, because Beomgyu wants to have a heart, he wants to love someone, but it never works out. 

“Okay, I’ll go. Just for the food.” 

“Dress nicely.” 

“Don’t tell me what to do.” 

Beomgyu stressed over his clothes, the only “nicely” he could dress was a wrinkled shirt and dress pants. He tried to iron it the best he could as he heard his father speaking with Yeonjun. 

He’s twenty one, he should move out soon. But between his classes and lack of job, spending nights at Yeonjun’s apartment and being under his parents’ roof was the best option. 

“Is this okay?” Beomgyu asked as he showed them his clothes. 

“Hm…” Yeonjun put a finger over his lips and furrowed his brows. “Can I take a look at your closet?”

“Please do.”

He followed him back to his room, where Yeonjun pulled out dark jeans. “These make your butt look good.”

“I don’t care about butts, I want to look good.”

“A good looking butt is part of a good outfit.”

“What would you know?” Beomgyu stuck his tongue out as Yeonjun turned around to glare at him. 

“And this.” Yeonjun took out a blazer. “With some nice black shoes and a black belt. Got it?”

Beomgyu pretended to be annoyed, but he’s thankful for the help. 

He’s soon getting out of the car and smiling at the building. “Oh, I know this place.”

Yeonjun chuckled. “Yeah?” 

“Yeah, we came here when Soobin’s sister got engaged.” He remembered that night, he was invited to the dinner as if he was part of the family. 

“Cute. Can you go inside and ask for our table? I have to park the car.”

“Oh, I’ll just wait.”

“They’ll cancel the reservation if we’re too late. Go.”

“But—“

“Just go.”

Beomgyu frowned, he turned around to roll his eyes and walk into the restaurant. So much for celebrating his birthday. 

He walked in and went straight to the hostess. “Good evening. I have a reservation, I think it’s for Choi Ye—“

“For Choi Soobin.” 

Beomgyu looked to his right, where a tall man placed his hand on top of the desk before looking at Beomgyu with a smile. 

“What?” Beomgyu let out breathlessly, a chill ran down his spine as he looked up at Soobin’s face. 

“Hi.” Soobin’s eyes became crescents as he smiled widely, dimples showing fully. 

His face lost a lot of baby fat, his chubby cheeks were now defined cheekbones, his short hair let his dark eyebrows on full display. 

Soobin held his hand to drag him inside, Beomgyu didn’t even notice that the hostess was showing them to their table, too distracted by Soobin’s broad shoulders, until they were seated. 

“How?”

With a chuckle, Soobin placed both elbows on the table to clasp his hands together. “Asked permission for today.” 

Beomgyu blinked fast a few times, he then scoffed as he looked around the place. “And Yeonjun?” 

“He left, he was just helping me with the surprise.” 

“You planned this?”

“Surprise.” Soobin smiled. 

Beomgyu wished he could hug him right now. “I can’t believe you.”

“Oh, I forgot, happy birthday.” 

“Thanks.” Beomgyu shook his head. “I really didn’t expect this. I mean, I noticed Yeonjun acting strange, but I thought he just had a nice place for tonight.”

“It’s a nice place, right?”

“Of course.” Beomgyu looked around the room again, it was dimly lit and elegant. A yellow lamp stood on their table, giving Soobin’s face a warm glow. “How have you been?”

They talk through text messages, sometimes a call. It’s not like he hasn’t heard from Soobin for a year but it’s definitely different. 

“I’m better now.” Soobin nodded. “It was hard at first.”

“I bet.”

“You know I’m not athletic at all.” Soobin laughed as he shook his head. “And you?”

“Better now that I see you.” Beomgyu dared to reach out for Soobin’s hands and he let him hold them. “Not gonna lie, I had a rough week.”

“Why?”

“Well, I… I was seeing someone.”

“And what happened?”

“I ended it. It lasted two weeks, it was nothing.” Beomgyu shrugged one shoulder. “I just didn’t like him, physically nor emotionally.”

“And why were you seeing him, then?”

“I thought I was lonely, I thought I needed someone, but it ended up being more stressful.”

Soobin hums. “Tell me about him.”

“I don’t—“ Beomgyu sighed, playing with Soobin’s fingers. “It’s not something I want to talk about, I really didn’t like him at all. He was a good person, don't get me wrong, but he was so not my style.”

“Oh, you have a type now? I thought you said you just liked whoever you liked.”

“Yes, also that, but…” He doesn’t even know how to put it in words. “I was just trying to force myself to like him to feel less bad.”

“Because of Taehyun and Kai?”

“What do they have to do with this?” 

“Because they’re…” Soobin frowned. “You know they’re dating now, right?” 

Beomgyu’s stomach feels like a knot. “What?”

“Sorry, I thought you saw their pictures on social media.” 

Beomgyu rushed to get his phone out, searching for Taehyun’s profile. Yup, the last picture is him giving Kai a kiss on the cheek and he had a story highlight with pictures of their dates. It started two months ago. 

“Oh.”

“Sorry.”

“No.” Beomgyu exhaled. “It’s not— I am over him, completely. It’s been two years since he left. I just feel dumb. I knew it was coming.”

Soobin worried his bottom lip and picked up the menu. “Should we take a look?”

They ordered their food, made some small talk and received their drinks before Soobin cleared his throat.

“So, uhm.” He reached inside his blue jacket and took out a small velvet box. “Happy birthday.”

“But I didn’t get you anything for yours.”

“We didn’t meet up for my birthday, anyways.” Soobin waved a hand dismissively. “Open it.”

Beomgyu slowly opened the box to reveal a silver bracelet. “Oh my, Soobin, it’s beautiful.” 

“Of course, I have good taste.” Soobin smiled at him, he reached for the bracelet and Beomgyu put his arm out for him to put it around his wrist. 

“Pretty.” Beomgyu shook his wrist, looking at the way it sparkled under the light. 

“I know you missed me.” Soobin swirled his drink around (it was literally just juice, he isn’t allowed to drink alcohol, but Beomgyu won’t comment on it). “So I wanted to give you a nice birthday.”

“How would you know if I missed you or not?” Beomgyu squinted his eyes at him. 

“Because I missed you too.”

Soobin drank from his glass and Beomgyu copied, giving him a second to lean away from the light, hiding his blush. 

“I did.”

The waiter brought their food and Soobin snickered when Beomgyu’s plate was down in front of him. “You really asked for the same thing.”

When they came here the first time, around ten years ago, Beomgyu asked for a plate of pasta ai quattro fromaggi (a fancy way of saying he asked for pasta with cheese sauce), and he asked for the same thing this time. 

Soobin is actually eating steak, like an adult. 

“Listen, this was the best pasta I’ve ever had.” Beomgyu pointed at his plate. “You bet your ass I asked for it again.” 

Soobin raised an eyebrow as he started cutting his meat, he shook his head with a laugh. “How are your classes? I know you’re— Beomgyu, stop.” 

“Ugh.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes back with a groan. “This is so good.”

Soobin looked around at the other people before leaning forward. “Don’t do all that. Just enjoy your food like normal people.”

Beomgyu giggled, taking some pasta with his fork and putting it out in front of Soobin. “Try it.” 

Soobin glared at him before slowly biting it off the fork. “Good. Won’t have a public orgasm for it.” 

“I’ll give you one later. Anyways, I’m in my last—“

“Beomgyu.”

“— year, so I’ll be graduating soon. It’s not that hard.” Beomgyu smirked. “I’ll join the military once I finish, get it over with like you guys.”

“So I’ll have to wait another two years to see you?” Soobin pouted. 

“Clingy. We’ll see each other, just like we are now.” Beomgyu ate more of his food. “You can borrow Yeonjun while you wait for me.” 

Soobin nodded, taking his glass again to take a sip, Beomgyu couldn’t help but notice that his jawline was way more defined now. 

“You look handsome, Bin.” 

Choking, Soobin almost spilled his juice as he coughed, grabbing his napkin again to cover his mouth with it. 

Beomgyu scrunched his nose. “I’m never complimenting you again.”

“Sorry, I’m—“ Soobin cleared his throat. “I wasn’t expecting that.”

“I was just pointing out the obvious.” Beomgyu looked down at his food. 

“I don’t get that a lot.”

“Really? But you are so hands—“ Beomgyu looked up to meet his expectant eyes. “Yeah, you’re ugly.” 

Soobin rolled his eyes. “And you’re a bad liar.”

“Not true. I lie all the time.” 

Soobin calmed down enough to continue eating. “A pretty liar.” 

“I hope you liked your surprise.”

“I loved it.”

The two smiled at each other, Soobin glanced towards Beomgyu’s front door. “Well, I have to go back, so…”

“Wait, Bin.” Beomgyu took his hand. 

He didn’t say anything as he pulled the taller into him, wrapping his arms around Soobin’s waist and resting his head on his shoulder. He inhaled deeply as Soobin hugged him back. 

He didn’t smell like his old cologne, it was just soap and clean clothes and Soobin. 

“I needed this.” Beomgyu mumbled against Soobin’s shoulder. 

“Me too.”

“I wish we could hug more often. I love this.”

“You can hug Yeonjun.”

“No, I didn’t say I love hugs, I love yo— I mean, hugging you.” 

Fuck. 

Soobin squeezed him closer, lowering his head so he could get close to Beomgyu’s ear, his cheek barely grazing Beomgyu’s cheek. “Remember when we were kids? We used to say it a lot. We used to say I love you a lot.”

He said it with a whisper, just letting Beomgyu hear it, giving him goosebumps. 

“We stopped, maybe we thought it was something just couples could say, but…” Soobin starts rubbing Beomgyu’s back, probably subconsciously. 

“Yeah.” He knew what he was trying to say. 

“Still, I love you, Gyu. You know that, right? You’re my best friend, I only want good things for you. I don’t care if you’re making a disgusted face right now.”

But Beomgyu has his eyes closed, jaw clenched, he just wants to cry in the comfort that only Soobin can give him. 

He gulped, trying to find his voice to answer, when Soobin spoke up again. “You don’t have to answer, I know you do too.” 

Beomgyu pulled away just enough to look at his face. “I… Do.” 

Soobin smiled, cute dimples showing on his manly face. “Don’t worry, I know.”

I do love you. I do miss you. I’m too weak to say it. 

“Thank you.”

“I really have to go now.” Soobin put a hand behind Beomgyu’s head and played with the hair there. “Let’s meet if I get to sneak out again.” 

+

Beomgyu stared at his screen, he was mindlessly going through people’s Instagram stories when he got to Taehyun’s. It was a picture with Kai kissing his cheek as Taehyun pretended to be grossed out. 

He tapped the reply option, freezing as he thought of anything to say. Congratulations. No, that’s awful. Wow, I didn’t know you were together. No. 

@ch01beomgyu

finally. 

@terry_kang

LMAOOOO

He chuckled at the fast reply, fingers hovering over the screen as he thought of another witty answer but Taehyun was quicker. 

@terry_kang

It’s been a while

How have you been? 

@ch01beomgyu

good good. 

u?

@terry_kang

Also good

Happy belated birthday!!

Sorry

Didn’t know if you’re comfortable with getting a text from me

@ch01beomgyu

happy belated birthday to u too!!! 

same

The conversation keeps going for a while, Beomgyu didn’t realize that they’ve been talking for more than an hour until he’s walking around in his kitchen with a smile on his face. He feels sixteen again. 

He was afraid of losing a friend, he knew a relationship between them meant that the probability of them staying friends after was very low. It’s good to see that Taehyun also wanted to stay friendly. 

@ch01beomgyu

can i ask……..?

@terry_kang

??

@ch01beomgyu

how did it happen with kai? 

only if u wanna tell me

@terry_kang

Oh

It’s dumb

He moved here we started living together 

We just couldn’t ignore that we’ve been liking each other for years now

Yea

@ch01beomgyu

nice

@terry_kang

LOL

Yes. It’s nice

Wishing you the same 

@ch01beomgyu

even my ex boyfriend pities my current romantic life 

i’m crying

+

“What do you wanna do?” Beomgyu beamed at Soobin as they walked out of Soobin’s parents’ house. 

“First, we get ice cream.” 

“Yeah?”

“Then we watch movies that I didn’t get to see.”

Beomgyu stopped walking to frown at him. “What?”

“We can order dinner later, if you don’t like the idea of just eating ice cream.” Soobin shrugged. 

“No, I mean,” Beomgyu raised an eyebrow, “Is that all you wanna do? Don’t you want to go to a bar or something? Enjoy being free from the military?”

Soobin shrugged once more. “I’ve wanted to watch movies with you for a while.”

“And we will.” Beomgyu nodded, he linked arms with Soobin and they continued walking. 

“You were expecting something cooler, weren’t you? We can go clubbing if that’s what you want.”

“Nope.” Beomgyu raised his chin. “I want to do whatever you want. I want to watch movies.”

“Agh. How obvious.” Soobin groaned as he played with his spoon. 

“Why? Is Tall Girl not of your liking?” Beomgyu chuckled, leaving his spot next to Soobin to sit in the middle of the bed to look at him. “You were the one who wanted to watch the bad ones.”

“But whenever they introduce a friend like this…”

“What?”

“They’ve been besties for years and he’s so quirky, blah blah,” Soobin rolled his eyes, he slumped back against the headrest. 

“What? Soobin, you love the friends to lovers trope.”

“Yes, but I want to be able to watch them fall for each other. He’s basically begging her to date him. They always end up together, but make me wonder if they’ll make it.”

“Not always.”

“Huh?” 

“They don’t always end up together.”

“They always do.”

“No.” Beomgyu furrowed his brows. “Even with these Netflix movies, The Kissing Booth? Friends forever and she goes with his brother. I think she does, got distracted.”

“Are you spoiling this story?”

“I’m just saying.”

Soobin raised a finger. “Just because one—“

“To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before, she got over the friend and then—“

“You still root for the friend.”

“We don’t even root for this friend.” Beomgyu pointed to the television in front of them. 

“The movie just started?” Soobin laughed, scooping more ice cream on his spoon. 

“He is so annoying. Look at him.” Beomgyu put out an arm with a thumbs down. “Boo, boo!”

Soobin stared at him for a moment before going back to the movie. “I feel for you, tall person with an annoying friend. God knows how hard your life is.”

“You know what I don’t like?” 

“What else do you not like, Beomgyu?” 

“The fact that they kiss and the story ends. Like, that’s it? You kissed once and you know you’re a couple?”

Soobin ate another spoonful, he was clearly not paying attention to the film like he pretended to. “It’s a movie, that’s the climax.”

“Like, I’ve hated around ninety percent of the kisses I’ve had in my life.”

Beomgyu was now kneeling on the bed, Soobin sighed and paused the movie, already giving up on watching it when Beomgyu got into his talkative mood. 

“Maybe you just don’t like kissing.”

“I do, but—“ Beomgyu groaned. “It’s hard to explain. I like kissing, but just specific people. I like the idea of kissing,” Beomgyu put his finger to his temple, “But the act itself is…”

“Maybe you’re just doing it wrong.”

“Fuck you, everyone tells me I am a great kisser.”

Soobin shrugged, he glanced at Beomgyu, then at Beomgyu’s lips, then he looked back at the melting ice cream in his hands. “So? Did you only like kissing Taehyun?” 

“He was one of the few that passed the test.”

The few meant two people. 

“I don’t know, I never gave it much thought.”

Soobin zoned out, looking away as he clearly gave it some thought. Beomgyu wondered if he’s thinking about all the kisses he’s had, if he’s wondering about their kiss. 

“How many people have you kissed?” 

“If you’re not going to eat your ice cream—“ Soobin reached for the cup that Beomgyu was holding. 

“Ah!” Beomgyu whined. “Answer me.”

“Dunno. How many have you kissed?”

“More than ten, less than twenty, I think.” 

“You’ll drop ice cream on my sheets.” Soobin finally took the cup from Beomgyu and put it on his nightstand. 

“You’re terrible for gossiping. You never tell me anything.” Beomgyu pouted. “For all I know, you only kissed Nari and me.”

“We kissed?” Soobin frowned. “I don’t remember that.”

“Oh.” Beomgyu blinked at him, he put a hand against his chest. “Oh, that hurt, Soobin.”

He’s making a joke out of it, but it actually stung. The same kiss that he’s been mulling over for five years wasn’t even something worth remembering for Soobin. 

Of course, it meant different things for them, he can’t blame Soobin. Not when the kiss was something Soobin just did for fun at a party, while for Beomgyu it meant coming to terms with a long lasting crush on his straight friend. 

“Too bad, you had the best kiss of your life that night.”

“Ha.” Soobin scoffed. “Yeah, sure.”

“Truly got to know my hidden skills. Do you need a refresher?”

“Oh, please.” He looked at Beomgyu with a raised eyebrow. “It lasted two seconds, you didn’t do shit.”

Beomgyu smirked. 

“I thought you didn’t remember it?” 

“No, it was so bad, you don’t understand.” Beomgyu shook his head as he recalled his last failed relationship of two weeks. “Why did I put myself through that?”

“Why did you?” 

Soobin was still sitting against the headrest, long legs stretched in front of him while Beomgyu laid belly down on the bed. 

“Told you, I was lonely.” Beomgyu sighed. “I wanted to prove to myself that… I don’t know... That someone could like me.”

“People like you.”

“Romantically.” Beomgyu specified. “I know dating apps are not the best place to look for that.”

“But what happened? If you don’t mind telling me.”

“Well, I just didn’t like him. I thought he looked good, but I wasn’t into him.” Beomgyu groaned as he sat up again. “Like, he wasn’t a bad kisser, but the kisses felt bad. When he tried to go further, I just felt like crying and I had to ask him to stop.”

They went silent, Soobin nodded. “I understand.”

“Sorry, I am totally trauma dumping.”

“No, I’m glad we can talk like this.” Soobin shifted in his spot, looking down at his hands as he touched his fingernails. “Actually, that’s how I felt with Nari.”

“Really?”

“This is embarrassing, yes. Whenever she…” Soobin motioned vaguely with his hands. “Tried something? It felt awful.”

Beomgyu nodded. “And what happened?”

“It was weird, it’s like what you said, I liked the idea of it better than the act itself. She noticed, we broke up.” Soobin shrugged. “I was the problem.”

“No.” Beomgyu furrowed his brows. 

“I’m over that now. It was shameful when I was fifteen, I mean, what teenager would ask his girlfriend to put her clothes back on, right?” Soobin chuckled. “But I understand myself better now.”

“Can I hug you?” 

Soobin exhaled before he nodded, he put his arms out and Beomgyu crawled awkwardly on the bed to get closer. He squealed when Soobin actually grabbed him and made him sit on his lap, straddling him. 

Soobin just chuckled and hugged him close, putting his face in the crook of his neck. It took a second for Beomgyu to shrug off the awkwardness of this position, throwing his arms around Soobin to hug him back. 

“I thought I was the only person that felt like that.”

“It took me a few therapy sessions to understand that it’s normal.” Soobin admitted. “Do you only feel like that when you’re with men?” 

“No, it happened with everyone.”

“Remember when I told you that I thought about you when I broke up with Nari?” 

“Yeah?” 

“It was because my therapist told me that people realize that they’re gay like that, because they have those reactions when they’re intimate with girls. And I always remembered that you told me that you kissed Yeonjun to make sure that you liked boys.”

“I know I like boys, I know I like girls, I just— I don’t know.”

“I don’t think you should look for a relationship when you’re like this.” 

Beomgyu let himself relax more against Soobin’s body. The taller placed a hand on his lower back and moved the two on the bed so he could sit more comfortably under him. 

He would be lying if he said that that move wasn't hot. 

Again, there is a huge difference in finding someone hot and wanting to be with that person, but Beomgyu’s mind is racing with scenarios where Soobin’s hands go lower, where Soobin starts kissing his neck, where he turns them around. 

Bringing himself back to reality, he pushes away from Soobin and gets off his lap. It’s surely just the conversation theme getting to his head. 

+

“Do you want an egg in yours?” Yeonjun asked as he moved to the stove. 

“Do you know what demisexual means?”

Yeonjun sighed, turning on the stove before glancing back at Beomgyu. “Before pestering me about your sex life, do you want the egg or not?”

“Yes.”

“Okay, go on.”

“So, you know asexuals, right? No sexual attraction. I might be in the spectrum.”

“I thought you were hypersexual before dating Taehyun.”

“No, I forced myself to get with people, you know that.”

“So? You’re asexual now?” Yeonjun cracked the two eggs on the pan in front of him. 

“Listen: Demisexuals only get sexually attracted to people after an emotional bond is created.” Beomgyu interlaced his fingers on top of the counter. 

“What?”

“I only get attracted when I have a bond—“

“Not wanting to hook up with someone you don’t know isn’t a sexual orientation.”

“No, it’s not that.” Beomgyu walked closer to him. “It’s like… I am still bisexual, but I can’t –literally can’t– feel that attraction with just anyone. Demi isn’t the orientation, it's the degree of attraction.”

Yeonjun stared at him for a moment before looking at the eggs frying in front of him. “Sounds like a really long way of saying you want to fuck Soobin.”

“Yeonjun!” Beomgyu whined. 

“I mean,” Yeonjun shrugged, “I get what you’re saying, but I think the reason you’re saying it is because you’re attracted to the person you have a strong emotional bond with; Soobin.”

“It is kind of the reason, not because I want him to fuck me, but because we were talking—“

“You’ve been feeling this way for ten years, just accept it.”

“It’s an important discovery for me, okay? I felt so broken for not feeling like everyone feels, but Soobin told me that his therapist talked about the way gay people felt during sex or something and I was like ‘I already know I’m bi, so maybe there is something else there’.”

Yeonjun put the eggs on top of their rice. “I thought Soobin was straight.”

“He is. Are you listening to any of what I’m saying?”

“You’re babbling at this point, so not really.” Yeonjun scrunched his nose at him. “But that last part, it doesn’t add up.”

“Why?”

“Beomgyu.” Yeonjun put a hand on his hip as he turned to look at him with a raised eyebrow. 

“What?”

“Why would a straight man discuss gay attraction during therapy sessions?” 

Beomgyu frowned. “Because he felt— Wait.”

“Take your time.” Yeonjun nodded as he took the food to the table. 

“He felt the same way gay people feel.” Beomgyu covered his mouth with a hand. 

“That is so heterosexual of him, don’t you think?”

+

“Food is here.” 

Beomgyu groaned from the floor, resting his back against the couch. “My arms don’t work, you’ll have to feed me.” 

Soobin rolled his eyes as he put the bags down. “You’re enlisting in two weeks, how will you keep up with training?”

“You’re right.” Beomgyu stared at the ceiling. “I should flee the country.”

“Sit up.” Soobin sat by his side and opened the box with fried chicken. He put on his plastic gloves and picked up a piece. “Here.”

“You’re actually feeding me?” Beomgyu pouted before taking a bite. 

“As a thank you for helping me move in.” He finished eating the chicken piece. 

Beomgyu looked around the new apartment, most of the furniture found its place, but other stuff was still in boxes and bags. “You’re a grown man.”

Soobin had a tiny smile as he chewed on his chicken. “Remember when we were little and we designed a house where we would live in?”

“Really?” Beomgyu put on a plastic glove. “Sounds like us.”

“It had a cinema room and a garden full of dogs.” 

“I still want both of those.” 

“Right?” Soobin chuckled. He took a can of beer from the other bag and passed it to Beomgyu. 

“I’ll move out once I get discharged and I’ll get the cinema room.”

“You can move here if I don’t have a roommate.”

Beomgyu smiled, happy to hear that Soobin still planned a future with him after all these years. 

“Maybe you have a partner and you move in with them.” Beomgyu eyed Soobin’s reaction, but he was too busy picking his next chicken piece. “So, um, have you heard of demisexuality?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah?” Beomgyu raised his brows. “Well, I think it fits me.”

Soobin looked back at him and smiled. “That’s good, Gyu.”

Beomgyu hummed. “It is.”

“Are labels important to you?” Soobin finally chose his next piece. “You always seem to be trying to understand your feelings.”

“They are important to me.” Beomgyu nodded, he opened the beer and brought it to his lips. “Are they important to you?”

“Don’t think so.” Soobin shrugged. 

“How about…” Beomgyu gulped and left his beer next to him. “The label ‘straight’?”

Soobin chuckled as he grabbed his own beer. “I know what you’re trying to do.” 

“I’m not trying anything, you don’t have to answer me.” Beomgyu bit down on his crispy chicken. “We can change the subject.”

“I’ve been dropping hints.” Soobin nodded. 

“Hints about…”

“About…” Soobin just continued eating. 

“Agh.” Beomgyu kicked his legs and Soobin laughed again. “If you don’t want to talk about it, then I’ll leave it like that, but you keep being so vague.”

“What do you want to know?”

Beomgyu stared at him as the taller one ate his food, he kept laughing and dragging out the conversation, which made it seem like he wasn’t uncomfortable with it. 

“Are you straight?”

“No.”

“No?!” Beomgyu gasped, he put the chicken bone down and got to his knees to stare at Soobin. “What do you mean no? I’ve been referring to you as my straight friend for years.”

“That’s on you.”

“You like boys?”

“Yes.”

“What?” Beomgyu’s eyes widened. “You are kidding me, aren’t you?”

Soobin laughed. “What is this reaction?”

Beomgyu brought his hands to his mouth. “Who even are you?” 

“Why is this so different from the time you came out to me?”

“Because I cried my eyes out and you are just laughing.”

“It’s funny.”

“You liked boys this whole time?”

Soobin snorted as he drank his beer again. “What do you mean this whole time?”

This whole time that Beomgyu thought that anything between them would be impossible. 

He frowned as he stared at Soobin. Would something between them ever be possible? This isn’t the time to think about it, he’s going to leave for two years. 

Beomgyu sat back, debating if it’s better to carry the doubt or a heartbreak for two years. 

A chicken thigh is brought to his mouth. “Eat.” Soobin frowned. Beomgyu just took it and ate in silence for a few moments. 

If Soobin liked boys, but never made a move on Beomgyu, it means that he’s not attracted to him. Soobin knew that Beomgyu liked boys for a while, he could’ve done something to make it happen between them. But he clearly doesn’t like Beomgyu like that. 

“Your hair is long.” Soobin pointed out. 

“Yeah.” Beomgyu nodded. “I have to shave it all off soon.” 

“Do you have everything you need?”

“I don’t even know what I need.” 

“Wait here.” Soobin took off the plastic glove full of sauce and stood up. He glanced at a box in the living room but went into his room to look for something. 

He came a minute after that, sitting back down next to Beomgyu and showing him a black wristwatch. “Everyone has one of these.”

Beomgyu put his arm out, letting Soobin put it around his wrist. “If you say so.”

“You’ll have to leave this.” Soobin touched the silver bracelet with his index finger, the same one he gifted Beomgyu a year ago. 

Beomgyu reached out and took it off. “Give me your arm.”

“You’re giving it back?” 

“I’ll have you take care of it until I come back.” 

“Okay.” Soobin smiled as he watched Beomgyu put the bracelet around his wrist. “I will wait for you.” 

+

Beomgyu finished doing his push ups and laid down on the ground. “I don’t know why you’re making me do this in public.”

Yeonjun stood with both hands on his hip as he frowned behind his sunglasses. “You’ll learn true public humiliation in a few weeks, don’t worry.” 

He was supposed to run at the Han River but he’s doing all kinds of exercise instead. “I’m in a good shape, aren’t I?” 

“You’re better than I thought.” 

Beomgyu stood up slowly with a grunt. “So? What’s next?” 

Yeonjun stayed quiet for a moment before taking off his sunglasses. “I think I’ll miss you.”

“Ew.” Beomgyu chuckled. “I’ll miss you too.” 

“What do you mean ‘ew’, you punk.” Yeonjun threw an arm around his neck and ruffled his hair. “I’m being a cute big brother.” 

“You’re right, you’re right.” Beomgyu cried out as he was pressed against Yeonjun’s chest. “You’re so cute and affectionate.”

“Damn right, I am.” 

“Please let me go.”

Yeonjun just squeezed him harder. “Love you, dumbass.”

“Yeah, yeah, me too. Let me go.” Beomgyu gasped for air once Yeonjun let go of him. 

“You stink.” 

“You made me exercise under the sun.” Beomgyu complained as he got his phone out of his pocket. He opened a text message he got a few minutes ago. 

Soobin | 15:23

Can you come over?

I have something for you

“Listen, when they give you a list, you need to memorize it.” Yeonjun pointed a finger at him. ”Don’t let them catch you resting on your first days, always pretend to be looking at their lists or maps or cleaning something.”

“It’s not that bad, is it?”

“Don’t try to be smart, don’t try to stand out, don’t try to be tough.”

“Now you’re scaring me.”

“Don’t let them know you’re scared.”

“Sorry, I should’ve showered before coming.” Beomgyu tried to keep his sweaty bangs away from his face as he walked inside Soobin’s apartment. 

“Do you want to take a shower here?” 

“Uh…”

“Don’t pretend like you never took a shower at my place, I’ll bring you a towel.”

Beomgyu took the time to wash his hair, knowing he would have to shave it off in two days. He grew it a lot this last year, enough for him to put it in a ponytail. 

He folded his own dirty clothes and put on the clean shorts that Soobin left for him. Putting the towel around his neck, he opened the cupboards in the bathroom. 

“Do you have a hairdryer?” Once he didn’t get an answer, Beomgyu slid open the bathroom door to poke his head out. “Soobin?” 

“Yeah?”

“Do you have a hairdryer?”

“Yeah, it’s there.” 

“No?” 

Soobin appeared in the corridor, dragging his feet on the floor until he pushed Beomgyu into the small bathroom to reach under the sink. “Here.”

“Okay, thank you.” Beomgyu tried to reach for it but Soobin plugged it in and shook his head. 

“Let me do it.” 

Beomgyu just lowered his gaze as Soobin started blowing his hair, the taller took the towel off his shoulders and carded his fingers through the long hair on his nape. 

It gave him goosebumps, but he could blame those on the fact that he was cold without a shirt on. 

He doesn’t know when he became shy around Soobin, maybe it’s because they weren’t very close for a few years compared to their childhood. One day they are seven years old and sharing a bathtub and then they’re twenty two and Beomgyu has to cross his arms because he feels too exposed with a naked torso. 

The hair dryer turned off and Beomgyu fixed his hair on the mirror, stealing a glance towards Soobin’s reflection as the taller stared at him from behind, eyes snapping up from his body. 

“Such a shame.” Soobin touched Beomgyu’s hair once more. “Long hair suits you.”

“I don’t want to do it.”

“Hm?” 

“I regret applying so early, I should’ve just waited.” 

Soobin put a hand on his shoulder and turned him around. “What are you saying?”

“I’m scared, I don’t wanna enlist.”

With a smile, Soobin shook his head. His hand played with the hair on his nape before gracing the skin of his neck. “There is nothing to be scared of.” 

“There is a lot to be scared of, don’t lie.” Beomgyu looked for the clean shirt and put it on quickly. 

“Didn’t you say you had something for me?” Beomgyu sat on the couch as Soobin looked through his fridge. 

“Do you have somewhere else to be?”

“No.”

“Then why are you in a hurry?” Soobin closed the fridge empty handed. 

“I’m just curious.”

Soobin walked over and sat by his side, he picked up something from the coffee table in front of them. “Here.”

“A flashlight?”

“You’ll need one.”

Beomgyu clicked the back of it, testing the light and nodding. “Thanks…”

“And…” 

“And?”

“I just,” Soobin shrugged, “I wanted to spend more time with you.”

“Awe.” Beomgyu left the flashlight on the table and slapped Soobin’s knee. “You could’ve just said that.” 

“I also wanted to give you that flashlight.” 

“Aha.” Beomgyu rested his head on Soobin’s shoulder. 

Soobin put his arm around Beomgyu. “What are we going to do with you? Hm? You felt lonely before, you’ll feel even lonelier there.”

“Wow, thank you for your support. It makes me feel so much better.”

“I’ll give you enough cuddles to last until you finish service.”

Soobin wrapped himself around Beomgyu and laid back on the couch, bringing him down and squeezing him close to his chest. Beomgyu squealed, trying to get up, but Soobin put his legs around him and kept him in place. 

“Ah, my arm.” Beomgyu whined as Soobin laughed under him. “Wait, let me— Can we do this right?”

“Okay.” Soobin let go of him and scooted back on the couch to lay his head on the armrest. 

“Am I supposed to—?” Beomgyu motioned towards Soobin’s chest. 

“Yup, come here.”

“I don’t want to crush you.” Beomgyu moved between Soobin’s legs, carefully crawling until his body aligned with Soobin’s. He slowly lowered his body, just letting himself rest completely on top of Soobin, chest to chest. 

“You’re too light to crush me.” 

“This is actually comfortable.”

“Right?”

“We should’ve turned the TV on before this.”

Soobin glanced at the remote on the coffee table and chuckled. His hand went to Beomgyu’s hair again, mindlessly playing with it. “I’m getting addicted to cuddling because of you.”

“You’ll get someone to cuddle when I’m not around.” 

“No, I just want to cuddle you all the time.” 

Beomgyu smiled, he tried to wrap his arms around Soobin as best he could. “You’ve become sappy.”

“No?”

“Yes.” Beomgyu angled his head to look up at Soobin’s face, putting his chin on his chest. “I am too. Is this what becoming old is like?”

Soobin pursed his lips, looking to the side. “We’re going back to being kids, actually.”

“How so?”

“Talking about our dream house, about our fears, staying up late to talk about stupid stuff while eating ice cream.”

Soobin looked back at him and Beomgyu took a moment to take in the view of his face up close. Soobin’s right hand was still playing with Beomgyu’s hair, his left started rubbing his back. 

“There was this thing you loved.” Soobin said as he dragged his nail softly down Beomgyu’s arm, then up. 

Beomgyu closed his eyes as he felt goosebumps forming. That’s something that they did a lot during elementary school, Beomgyu would lay on his desk and ask Soobin to caress him like that. It’s amazing that he remembered such detail ten years later. 

Soobin dragged his finger to his back, where the shirt became an obstacle, so he moved back to Beomgyu’s arm. 

“Wait.” Beomgyu lifted his torso enough to pull his shirt up to his chest and laid down again. Soobin chuckled, Beomgyu could feel his breath against his hair, he moved his hand to the now exposed lower back and started dragging four fingers on it. 

There was a level of intimacy in the way that Soobin knew exactly how to make Beomgyu relax. He knew every corner of his mind, he could read him like a book, their bodies are so used to each other. 

The fingers on his head start moving again, playing with long strands of hair and doing circles against his scalp as the other hand did circles on his waist. 

“I’m going to fall asleep like this.” 

“I won’t mind.”

Beomgyu melted under his touch. It was so soft, so loving. 

+

Beomgyu just finished going through five weeks worth of notifications on his cellphone. He was finally done with the training and he just moved to the base. 

Beomgyu | 18:37

you didn’t tell me it would be this hard

i want to go home

Soobin | 18:38 

Helloo 

:(

Hardest part is done

I promise

Beomgyu | 18:39

will you visit me??

Soobin | 18:39

I will try

At least you have your phone now!! 

Beomgyu | 18:40

yea

Soobin | 18:41

Did something bad happen?

Beomgyu | 18:41

nothing in particular 

it was hard

Soobin | 18:42

How’s the base? Are they nice there?

Beomgyu | 18:42

oh!!!!!!

you’ll never guess who i found here

Soobin | 18:43

Who??

“If we could take pictures, I would send a selfie.” Beomgyu laughed as he touched the tape covering his camera. 

“Don’t let them hear you joke about that.”

“Sorry, Private Kang.”

Taehyun sighed as he stared at his phone. “Should I tell Kai that you’re here?”

“It’s not like I’m going to try to win you back.” Beomgyu shrugged. 

“Still.”

“Will he get jealous that we have to suffer together?”

“Don’t know.” Taehyun eyed an officer that was close to them. “Uh, anyways, we should get cleaning.”

Beomgyu fought the urge to complain and followed behind him. “I’ll take the mop.”

+

Visiting day was over. Beomgyu hugged his parents goodbye again and prepared to leave back to his base. 

He sighed and unlocked his phone, hesitating before opening the chat and noticing the lack of conversation lately. 

Beomgyu | 20:12

you didn’t come :(

And he waited. 

Beomgyu knows it’s a little selfish to ask for more when he just spent the day with his parents, but he was having a hard time and he really expected his best friend to show up. 

He couldn’t use his phone past nine, there was no reply. 

+

“I thought you would use your day off to visit Soobin.” Taehyun looked at the menu in front of him. 

“Too far away.”

“It’s an hour ride on the train.” 

“I know.”

“Did you two fight or something?”

Beomgyu shrugged. “Just didn’t feel like it.”

Taehyun raised his eyebrows and flipped the menu. “I want this.”

“I’m not hungry.” Beomgyu sighed as he eyed the options in front of him. 

“Gyu.”

“Hm?”

“Should we go to Seoul?” 

He doesn’t know how Taehyun convinced him to go, but they’re now sitting on a train and Beomgyu is dialing Yeonjun’s number. 

“Hello?”

“That was fast.”

“You never call. Much less at this hour.”

“I’m going to Seoul. Are you free?”

Yeonjun made a small noise. “For you? Of course.”

It’s been just a few months, but seeing Yeonjun at the station made him emotional. The older hugged him and cooed at the way that Beomgyu pouted to keep himself from crying. 

“You must be having a hard time.” Yeonjun patted his back. 

“I am.” Beomgyu nodded as he stepped away. 

“And Taehyun, you’ve grown.” 

Taehyun nodded. “I’ve tried.”

“Have you eaten yet?” Yeonjun gasped as they shook their heads. “Let’s go, two soldiers need to be well fed.”

“Ah, right.” Beomgyu groaned. “Why didn’t you tell me the food was so bad?”

“It wasn’t that bad.”

“It’s so bad, I feel sick every time I eat.”

“I’ll treat you to something nice, then. Meat?” 

Beomgyu clapped as he looked at the meat cooking in front of him, Yeonjun cut it and took care of the grilling. 

“I thought you moved to America.”

“I still don’t know if I’ll stay there or not, but I got my letter so I thought I should just get this thing done with.” Taehyun shrugged. 

“And how is it?” Yeonjun glanced up at him before he started flipping the meat. “Do you hate it as much as Beomgyu?”

“Don’t think so.” Taehyun laughed. 

The first pieces were done and Yeonjun served them to the two, telling them to eat. 

“I could cry of happiness.” Beomgyu closed his eyes with cheeks full of food. 

“Can I ask…” Yeonjun finally served himself some meat. “Why was I the only one invited today?”

“Taehyun’s, uh, partner still lives in the States.” Beomgyu learned how to word his sentences better once he almost outed Taehyun to other soldiers. 

Yeonjun looked at the two and nodded, “That’s interesting.” 

“And we will talk about it in a second,” Taehyun turned to Beomgyu, “But we all know he is asking about Soobin.”

Beomgyu cleared his throat as he chose more meat. “Well, he‘s always busy with classes and he also got a job. I didn’t want to bother him.”

“I don’t think he—“

“Besides, aren’t you happy to see us?” Beomgyu frowned. “The high school gang.”

“Of course I’m happy to see you. Especially little Taehyun, I thought I would never see you again.” 

Soobin | 20:49

Are you still in Seoul???

Beomgyu | 20:50

no

already back

Soobin | 20:51 

I saw that you were with Yeonjun

And Taehyun

Why didn’t you tell me?

Beomgyu | 20:51

you’re busy lately 

Soobin | 20:52 

I wanted to see you

Beomgyu | 20:53

sorry

next time

Soobin | 20:53

Everything ok??

Beomgyu | 20:54

yea

Soobin | 20:55

I won’t lie. I’m sad that you didn’t tell me

Beomgyu | 20:55

sorry

Soobin | 20:56

This isn’t about the time I couldn’t visit right?

I really couldn’t 

Beomgyu | 20:57

told you

didn’t want to bother because you’re so busy

Soobin | 20:58

Please don’t bottle up your feelings. I know it must be hard for you. I’ll try to text you more so please tell me if you ever need someone to talk to

Okay? 

Beomgyu | 20:59

i have to turn off my phone now

+

“And what is he doing here?”

Taehyun snickered. “Wanted to say hi.”

Soobin nodded. “What does Kai think about you doing this together?” 

They were sitting outside a store without many people around, they couldn’t go to the city today and Soobin had to come visit between the boundaries. 

Taehyun rested his elbow on Beomgyu’s chair backrest. “Why? Kai and I have great communication.”

“You haven’t changed at all since high school.” Soobin smiled. 

“Neither did you.” 

Beomgyu glanced between the two, not understanding the sudden tension. I mean, sure, it’s common for your best friend to be wary of your ex. Right?

Soobin leaned over the table. “Could you leave us alone for a second?” 

Taehyun chuckled as he stood up. “Enjoy.”

He waited until he went away to face Beomgyu again. “How are you? Really.”

“As you know, bad. I hate it.”

Soobin pouted. “You have just a few months left, you can do it.”

Beomgyu nodded, watching as Soobin stood up from his seat to sit where Taehyun was seconds ago, next to Beomgyu. “Do you want a hug?”

“They’ll tease me if they see me.”

“Do they tease you a lot?”

Beomgyu shrugged, he reached under the table to grab Soobin’s hand. “How’s university?” 

“Good.”

“Made new friends?”

“Yeah.”

Beomgyu sighed. “I used to be good at making friends, now you took all my skills.”

“You just choose to hang out with people you already know instead of making new friends.”

“You’re the only one I need.” 

Soobin squeezed his hand. “Am I forgiven?”

“Of course.” Beomgyu laughed. “You know, I’m sorry too.”

“Why?”

“I realized that I kept asking you to visit me when I never did it when you were serving. I always wait for you to come to me.”

Soobin shook his head. “I don’t care, I didn’t tell you about my days off for a reason.”

“You didn’t want to see me?”

“I was stuck in the middle of nowhere five or six hours away.” Soobin rolled his eyes. “I could just wait instead of forcing you to do all that.”

“We are so different.”

“That’s why we work so well.” 

Beomgyu couldn’t help but feel guilty. He’ll start trying to meet Soobin halfway. Put more effort in their friendship. 

He pulled Soobin’s hand from under the table and smiled when he saw the silver bracelet still on his wrist. 

“Um,” Soobin scratched his head with his other hand. “Are Taehyun and Kai still together though?” 

“What do you mean?”

“They deleted everything on social media.” 

“Yeah, well, they didn’t want it to cause any trouble. Taehyun has to keep it a secret.”

“Did he get in trouble before?”

“Not for being gay, but…” Beomgyu tilted his head to the side as he remembered. “He got beaten up for acting smart.” 

“Did they do anything to you?” 

“The usual, I guess.”

“What’s the usual?”

“Treating me like shit.” Beomgyu laughed, but Soobin didn’t. 

“Can I give you a hug? A short one?” 

Beomgyu just leaned on his shoulder, letting Soobin throw an arm around him. “Let it be a long one, I need it.”

“I also need it. More than you think.”

+

Beomgyu seriously can’t believe that Taehyun teased him for being a crybaby all the ride home just to cry himself when he saw Kai waiting at the station. Beomgyu just waved Huening Kai goodbye and left, he’s seen enough of Taehyun for a while. 

Being honest, he got emotional once he got home. He promised his parents he would be a good son, they just told him to get ready for lunch. 

“Mom.” Beomgyu whined as he sat down on the table. “I missed your food so much.”

“I can tell. You’re too skinny.” She put a plate down. “Eat lots, I made it for you.”

After he finished the food (and gave himself the time to digest it), Beomgyu put a hat on and left his house again. 

It took a little longer to get to Soobin’s apartment compared to his family house, but it was still relatively close. He got his phone out and called the contact on the speed dial. 

“Beomgyu?”

“Where are you?”

“Uh… With a… At a cafe. Where are you?”

“Oh.” Beomgyu looked up at the building. “Outside your place.” 

“Seriously?”

“I can come back later.”

“No.” Soobin spoke to someone else at the other end of the call. “Beomgyu?”

“Still here.”

“You can go inside, you know the password.” More noises. “I am on my way.”

“I can go to the cafe-“

“No.” 

“Okay. I will wait for you in your room, you can’t blame me if I fall asleep.” 

Beomgyu walked up the stairs, he came here just a few times two years ago so he hoped he wasn’t pressing the numbers on a random stranger’s door. The door opened at the first try and he gasped out loud. 

“Choi Beomgyu, you are a genius.” He patted his head while laughing to himself and walked in. 

A few things changed from the last time he was here, everything was still clean, except for the papers on the couch filled with scribbles and highlighted parts. 

Not even five minutes later, he got bored. 

Beomgyu decided to wait outside, resting his elbows on the railing from the balcony in front of him as he looked at a cat walking lazily on the street. 

As soon as he heard footsteps, he turned around to see Soobin walking up to him, somebody else followed behind. 

“Told you to wait inside.” Soobin sighed before turning around. “And I told you not to walk me to my place.” 

The stranger smiled at Beomgyu. “Hello, I’m Semin.” 

“Ah, hi.” Beomgyu bowed his head. “I’m Beomgyu.”

“Go inside.” Soobin pleaded as he furrowed his brows. 

Beomgyu looked between the two. “Okay?” 

He went ahead and put the password in once more, the loud beep made it hard for him to listen to what the others were whispering about behind him. Going inside, he took the chance to steal a look at the two again as he pretended to slowly take his shoes off before closing the door. 

Semin seemed energetic, his bright orange hair matched his personality as he clung to Soobin’s arm to talk to him. He puckered his lips and leaned forward to what was one hundred percent, clearly, no doubt, supposed to be a kiss that Soobin just dodged. 

Soobin glanced at Beomgyu, who finally closed the door. He stepped away from it, just a few seconds later it opened again and Soobin walked in. 

“Sorry for not waiting inside.”

Soobin stared at him for a moment, finally giving in and trapping Beomgyu in a hug. 

“How are you?” 

“Good.” Beomgyu wrapped his arms around Soobin’s waist. “Happy to be back. You?”

“Better, now that you’re back.” 

“Was that your… Uh.”

“Nothing serious.”

“He’s still more than just your friend, right?”

“Let’s talk about this later.” Soobin pulled away from the hug to pull Beomgyu to the couch. “When did you come?”

“This morning, had lunch with my family, came here.” Beomgyu sat down. “Mom says hi.”

Soobin smiled. “And did you—“

“Can we go back to that Semin guy?”

With a sigh, Soobin put an arm on the backrest of the couch. “Again—nothing serious. I’ll end things with him soon.”

“Why?”

“I don’t see this working in the long run as something serious, I also don’t want to keep it casual.”

“Why don’t you see it—“

“What if we talk about you showering with Taehyun every day? How was that?”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes. “It’s not even comparable.” 

“Must be more eventful than my thing with Semin. You lived with your ex and nothing happened?”

“No.” Beomgyu clicked his tongue. 

Soobin hummed and leaned his head against his hand using the arm that was behind Beomgyu on the backrest. He stared up at Beomgyu from up close and stayed like that for a moment. 

“How…” Beomgyu gulped. “How long have you been going out with him?”

“A couple months?”

“Months?”

“Yeah, two or three.”

Beomgyu looked down to his fingernails as he pulled the skin on his thumb. “Oh, that’s a lot of time.”

“Don’t really think so.” Soobin shrugged. 

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Soobin grabbed Beomgyu’s hand to stop him from picking his nails, he rubbed his thumb on the back of it. “I’ll be honest; I just didn’t want you to know”

“Why?” 

“I didn’t want anyone to know. It’s something that started for fun and lasted this long because I was lonely. You know how it feels.”

Beomgyu glanced at him but looked back down. “Do you feel less lonely with him?”

“Sometimes.”

“It’s something casual to you, but is it casual for him?” 

“You have a lot of questions.” Soobin chuckled. 

“My best friend is in an almost-relationship with some random guy.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes. “Of course I have questions.”

“It’s just sex.”

“Huh?”

“I know it’s different for you, maybe you don’t get it, but it’s just that.”

Beomgyu took his hand away from Soobin. “Sorry, I don’t get it for not being normal.” 

“I didn’t say it like that, come on.” 

Soobin stood upright as Beomgyu lowered his hat to cover his face. “Aha.”

After a moment, Soobin raised his hat again to look at his face. “He does know it’s casual, by the way. We’ve talked about it.”

“And do you have a lot—?”

“Can we please change the subject already? How were your last days? What did your mom say when you came home? Did your parrot recognize you?” 

Beomgyu giggled. “Okay. The last few days were better, mom said I was too skinny, Toto screamed at me so I don’t know.” 

“Did you miss me?”

Beomgyu furrowed his eyebrows and slapped his thigh with his free hand. “Of course.”

Soobin smiled, he then gasped as he remembered something else, bringing his arm up and pointing to the silver bracelet wrapped around his wrist. “This is yours.”

“Do you wear it all the time?”

“Almost all the time.”

Beomgyu got it to open and Soobin took the bracelet to put it on Beomgyu’s wrist instead. He smiled once he was done and took Beomgyu’s hand with both hands. 

Soobin chuckled as he watched Beomgyu’s face when he scrolled through his list on Netflix. 

“Why do you have so many Christmas movies?”

“They are the best when I need something cheesy.”

Beomgyu found two lesbian movies and a gay one. “We need good gay films, don’t you think? All these sucked.”

“They weren’t so bad.”

“They sucked.”

Soobin rolled his eyes. “Some straight movies suck too.”

“So you admit you love to see sucky movies?” He laughed. 

Soobin’s computer was on Beomgyu’s lap, who was sitting with his legs thrown over Soobin’s lap. He’d rather watch a movie on the TV but Soobin moved it to his bedroom and Beomgyu can’t find the right timing to suggest they move to the bed. 

“I’m just saying,” Soobin drummed his hands on Beomgyu’s knees, “Even when I don’t like girls myself, I can still enjoy the—“

“You don’t like girls?”

Soobin frowned at him. “How many times do I have to come out to you?” 

“I thought you just liked boys too.” Beomgyu shrugged. “There is a difference between liking boys and only liking boys.”

“I— We talked about this.” 

Beomgyu put the computer on the coffee table next to his hat and sat back in place. “You never specified anything.”

“We talked about how I felt kissing girls and stuff.”

“You mean the vague comments about that and lying about not remembering us kissing?”

Soobin rolled his eyes. “Yes.” He tugged the string on Beomgyu’s hoodie. “And yes, I lied. Of course I remember it. It was— This is embarrassing.”

“It was what?” Beomgyu leaned in as Soobin looked to his side. 

“You made me realize I was gay. I confirmed it with that kiss.” Soobin left out a breathy chuckle, still looking away from him. “Stole your idea of kissing a friend.”

“Then, I’ll confess something too.” 

Soobin finally looked up, he was not expecting anything in return. “What?”

“You’re gonna laugh.”

“Can’t promise I won’t.”

“Our kiss was… Ah it’s so cringy when I say it like this.”

“What?” Soobin slapped Beomgyu’s thighs on his lap. 

“It was one of the best I had.” 

Soobin froze, he stared at Beomgyu’s face and looked down at his lips for a second. “Was it?”

Beomgyu hadn’t realized how close they were sitting, how much he had been leaning forward unconsciously, and how much he’s been wanting to kiss Soobin since that day. 

“Can I—?”

He couldn’t finish the question before Beomgyu kissed him. 

There wasn’t anyone waiting outside the door, there was no timer, but he felt like he was running out of time. 

He pulled away with a pain on his chest to gauge at Soobin’s expression, he looked back at Beomgyu for a second before sucking a breath in and closing the gap again. 

Soobin had one hand holding his face and the other one on Beomgyu’s waist as he pulled him closer with a firm grip, no shyness or hesitation in his moves. 

The kiss was deep, not fast or rough, but strong. Soobin kissed with confidence, with enough experience to lick into Beomgyu’s mouth and make it feel good. Beomgyu kissed with the want of years of yearning. 

“Wait.” Soobin pulled away. 

Beomgyu gulped as his heart sank, ready to face rejection as Soobin put space between them. “Sorry.”

“Lean back.”

“What?”

Soobin put a hand on his chest and pushed, Beomgyu finally understood and laid on his back, resting his head on the armrest as he watched Soobin expectantly. 

He grabbed Beomgyu’s legs and moved them from his lap, he opened them to place himself in between before putting his hands next to Beomgyu’s head and hovering over him. 

Well… That was hot. 

“Is this okay?”

Beomgyu put his hands on Soobin’s back and pushed him down, making him rest his body against Beomgyu’s. 

“I will tell you when it stops being okay, so go on.” 

Soobin kissed him again, the new position made it easier for him, he didn’t have to twist his neck to bite Beomgyu’s lips. 

When Beomgyu bit Soobin’s bottom lip in return, the taller let out a small noise, which just opened the door to letting out groans and whines onto each other's mouths. 

It helped to dissipate the weird pain in his chest, which felt like the adrenaline of waiting for a rollercoaster to drop. 

He feels breathless, his lips are starting to feel the consequences of Soobin biting and pulling at them, but that didn’t mean he wanted to stop. Far from that. 

The dizziness seemed like something only Soobin could cure. 

Beomgyu tested lowering his hands on Soobin’s back until he reached his butt and gave it a light squeeze. Soobin smiled against his lips. 

“Don’t get shy now.” 

Soobin pulled away and faced down, he nosed along Beomgyu’s jaw, leaving a kiss there before going down his neck. Beomgyu was about to playfully smack Soobin’s ass but his hand went back to Soobin’s hair as he breathed heavily. 

He’d forgotten how sensitive his neck was, he threw his head back and let himself moan out loud as Soobin left open mouthed kisses on his skin, all embarrassment was drowned by his hips rolling up and being met with another hard bulge. 

“Ah, Soobin,” Beomgyu shuddered as he sucked the skin on his collarbone, “Wait, stop, wait a second.”

Soobin got up on his hands again. “Something wrong?”

“No.”

Beomgyu wanted this so bad, his body itched to get close to Soobin again and finish what they started. That wasn’t the problem, the problem was what this meant for them. 

Will this fall under Soobin’s just sex classification? And once that happens, will they still be best friends? 

“What will happen to us?”

Soobin’s face softened. “We can talk about that later.”

“I won’t relax until I know.”

“Know what?” 

“Know that this won’t affect us, that nothing will change.”

Soobin stared into his eyes for a second before he kissed his forehead. “I promise nothing will change between us.” 

Beomgyu looked up at him with a frown. Wouldn’t it be awkward? What if Soobin decided that it was too weird? 

He feels too hot, he’s sweating. He reached for his hoodie and pulled it up, getting Soobin’s help to sit up and get it off. They sat there looking at each other. 

“I don’t want sex.” 

“Okay.”

And it didn’t have anything to do with him being demisexual, he’s actually fighting the urge to pounce on him right now, he just felt like if they’re going to damage their friendship they should do the least damage possible. 

Soobin sat patiently and waited for a green light, Beomgyu brought him closer to give him a peck. 

“But…” Beomgyu risked looking down at their laps, where the real damage was very visible, “I do want to feel you.”

“How?”

“Like this.”

He threw one leg around Soobin and straddled his hips. Last time they were in this position, Beomgyu could only dream of getting Soobin to put his hands on his hips to pull him down like he was doing now. 

They kissed, Beomgyu threw his arms around his neck and let himself roll his hips again, making both of them groan. 

+

“What do you have there?” 

“A cake.” Yeonjun smiled as Beomgyu entered his apartment. 

“Why would you buy a cake for this?” Beomgyu whined as he came closer to the table. “Dude.”

The cake had chocolate words on it:

 congrats 4 

ur demi-fuck

Yeonjun burst out laughing and Beomgyu looked at him with exasperated eyes. “You spent money on this?”

“I honestly celebrated for you.” Yeonjun started clapping. “Good job, I knew you could do it.”

Beomgyu rolled his eyes and picked up a knife, he pointed at the last part. “What is this even supposed to mean?”

“It’s like you almost got the mission done, you just kept your clothes on.” 

“It’s not almost. It’s completely different.” Beomgyu cut a corner of the cake, it had chocolate inside. Good choice. 

“Right. You rode him fully clothed and made him cum in his pants, I’ve never heard anything more erotic and sluttier. I salute you.”

Beomgyu glared at him with narrow eyes as he ate. “I should’ve never told you anything.”

“I’m so proud of you.” Yeonjun hugged him and Beomgyu whined as he pushed him away with his elbow. “You’re growing up.”

“I’m twenty four, idiot.” Beomgyu cut another small piece. 

“Why aren’t you happy? This was your lifelong dream.”

“I just ruined my lifelong friendship with it.”

“Are you kidding?” Yeonjun scoffed. “This means that Soobin wants you back.”

Beomgyu sighed. “He does casual sex, he’s used to just be with some guy one night and throw him away in the morning.”

He thought back of the orange haired guy, how easy it was for Soobin to decide that he didn’t want anything to do with him. 

“Okay, so it means that it won’t ruin anything for him, since he’s used to things being casual.” 

“But it will be so awkward.” Beomgyu munched on the chocolate cake. “And I am stress eating!” 

“Calm down.” Yeonjun grabbed the knife and pulled it away from his hand with a little effort. “It’s not awkward until you make it awkward.” 

“What if he never talks to me again?”

“I doubt that.”

Beomgyu’s phone rings, he takes it out of his pocket with the hand that wasn’t holding cake and gasps, choking on the cake he was eating. “Ack, it’s him.”

“Answer the phone!”

Beomgyu coughed and shook his head, dropping the cake once he had to fight Yeonjun for the phone. The older finally got the device and answered as Beomgyu continued choking. 

“Soobin, hello.” He put his hand on his hip. “Yup, it’s Yeonjun. Beomgyu is… A little busy now.”

Beomgyu breathed in again. “I will kill you.”

“Yeah, yeah, I’ll tell him that, sure. You too, bye bye.”

“What did he say?”

Yeonjun frowned at the piece of cake on the floor. “You’re going to clean that and then you’re going to Soobin’s place.”

“His place? Why?” Beomgyu turned to the sink to wash his hands. 

“I don’t know. Another round, maybe?” 

“Another round my ass.” Beomgyu snickered. 

“That’s the spirit.” 

“No.”

Soobin acted normal. 

As in; Soobin acted as if absolutely nothing happened last week and they’re back to being two platonic friends searching for a gift for Soobin’s sister. 

He did promise that it wouldn’t affect them. 

“Do you think I should give her some make up?” Soobin turned around after looking at socks with kitten paws. 

“Does she wear makeup?” 

Soobin shrugged as he went that direction anyway. “I guess?”

He went towards the lady working there and asked about the popular items for women in their thirties. 

“Aye, buy her something that teens wear.” Beomgyu punched his arms slightly. “Make her feel young.”

“Then, tell me what is popular with women in their twenties.” Soobin asked the lady, who just laughed. 

She showed them some cushion foundations and lip tints, Soobin just looked at Beomgyu with a confused face and Beomgyu had to hold his laugh in. 

He chose some products and added a card to the bag that said From Soobin and Beomgyu. 

“Take my name out, it’s supposed to be your gift for her.”

“She knows we come as a package.” 

+

“If they end it with a kiss, I swear.” 

Soobin chuckled at his side as one of the main characters gave a long speech about his love for the girl. “What will you do?”

“Destroy your TV.”

“If you pay for a new one.” Soobin pointed a finger at him. 

Beomgyu crossed his arms, they were sitting on Soobin’s bed again and, for a change, they were watching a drama. Soobin is more into shows lately, even if they’re too long to hold Beomgyu’s attention. 

“They’ll kiss, then fast forward to some time later and have them living together and shit.”

“And what’s wrong with that?” 

“I want to see them getting together.” 

“The whole thing is about them being together.”

“Look.” Beomgyu pointed at the screen, where the characters started to kiss with music in the background before the scene faded to a new house. “Spot on. Spot fucking on.”

“Okay, you won.”

“They kiss and the story ends, ridiculous.”

Soobin surged forward, leaving a peck on Beomgyu’s lips. “See? This story didn’t end.”

Nobody told Beomgyu that friends with benefits could also mean random acts of intimacy with each other, he thought the benefit was always sex. 

“Should we order dinner?” Soobin took his phone out and acted like always, like them kissing was just another joke they had between them. 

“Sure, I was thinking—“

“What the hell?” Soobin showed his phone screen to Beomgyu. 

“Oh my God.” 

He took the phone and looked at the Instagram post made just minutes ago with a picture of Taehyun and Kai kissing as Kai showed a ring on his finger. Swiping, the next picture was Taehyun on one knee at a beach as he proposed. 

“Aren’t they too young?” Soobin took his phone back. 

“They’re in America, they can do whatever they want.”

“That’s not how it works.”

“Woah.” Beomgyu shook his head incredulously. “He always told me he would marry Kai when he finished his service, but I didn’t think he would be this fast.”

“Did nothing really happen between you two there?”

Beomgyu furrowed his brows as he looked at Soobin. “Do you think I’m a homewrecker?” 

“I just think it would be hard to resist.”

“I am hard to resist, yeah.”

“Aha.”

“But you’re the one that can’t keep it in his pants.”

“I did that last week though.” Soobin winked at him. 

Beomgyu gasped loudly as he moved away. “Never talk to me again.” 

Soobin laughed loudly at him and reached to slap Beomgyu’s leg. “Let’s order dinner already.” 

Just that easy, what happened last week became a normal thing to joke about. It’s not that Beomgyu is uncomfortable with it, it’s just that it was unexpected. 

It’s not treated as a mistake, it’s not something awkward, it’s something that they did together as friends. 

Best friends. 

+

“Isn’t it weird?” Taehyun said as he picked up a champagne flute from a tray. 

“What is?” 

“Everything.” Taehyun chuckled. “I once thought I would marry you, but now you’re congratulating me on my engagement party.”

“You’re not… Regretting anything, are you?” Beomgyu frowned. 

“Do you think I want to marry you?” 

“Uh…” Beomgyu looked away, scanning the room. 

“I don’t. No.” Taehyun laughed. “The opposite, I just can’t believe I am here now. Look at Kai. He wants to marry me, I am so lucky.” 

“Yeah, we weren’t the best.”

Taehyun hummed. “We were so awkward.”

“It was our first relationship, it was your training wheels, now you are getting married. You should thank me.”

“The first anything is awkward.” Taehyun nodded as he looked down at his glass. “We had to search stuff on Naver in the middle of it.”

“You searched stuff on Naver, I knew what to—“

“We did not know what we were doing.”

“Can you erase that memory?” Beomgyu looked over at Kai, who was already staring at them. “Is he the jealous type?” 

Taehyun hummed as he watched Kai walk over to them. “Sometimes.”

“I think this is the time.” Beomgyu whispered before smiling. “Kai. Hello, congrats.” 

Kai slid an arm around Taehyun’s waist. “Hello.” 

“Good thing you came, Taehyun was about to cry talking about how much he wants to marry you already.” 

Kai’s smile softens to a real one. “Is that so?”

“I wasn’t going to cry.” Taehyun sighed. “Just emotional.”

“Well… I’m going to go find—“

“Your date?” Kai raised his brows. 

“Uh, sure.” Beomgyu nodded, he looked around the place to find Soobin by the food table, eating appetizers as he looked around with full cheeks and doe eyes. He looked good in a suit. 

He smiled once he spotted Beomgyu approaching. “Gyu, you have to try these.” 

“You have something here.” Beomgyu wiped Soobin’s lips to clean the sauce on them. “Are you enjoying yourself?”

“Yeah, I saw you talking to your ex. Anything interesting?”

“Just about losing our virginity to each other, the classic at an engagement party.” Beomgyu rolled his eyes as he turned again to see the engaged couple talking. “They remind me of Love, Rosie.” 

“Is Taehyun your Rosie?”

“What?” Beomgyu frowned. “No.”

“Then?”

“I’m the hot model that was with Taehyun as they didn’t communicate their feelings to each other, making the plot more complicated before they can get together.”

“So you won’t make a speech saying you’ll always, honestly, truly, completely love him, like a sister loves a brother and a friend loves a friend?”

“You did not memorize that speech.”

“I did.” Soobin looked at the finger food on the table again. “And, by the way, if one of you were a model, it would’ve been Taehyun.”

“Ouch.” He tilted his head. “At least he rocks this hair length, I look like a hedgehog.” Beomgyu touched his hair three months post-military. 

“Yeah.”

“Still, I am Alex.”

“You’d be Rosie, the broke loser.” 

Beomgyu scoffed. “At least I am the main character. Who are you?”

“The other main character, of course.” 

As soon as they entered the apartment, Soobin passed Beomgyu his phone with his movie list opened. “Choose one.”

“I actually hated the last drama we watched.”

Soobin looked at him for a moment. “Twenty five twenty one?” 

“Yeah, I don’t know how everyone loves it… The ending…”

“It was kind of a given thing, I think there were many things teasing about it in the middle.”

Beomgyu bit the inside of his cheek. “Yeah, I know, it started and you could tell that they wouldn’t end up together but—“

“Everyone will always root for them to end up together, sometimes reality is just not like that.” Soobin shrugged. “I think it’s okay.”

“But you go through all that with them,” Beomgyu furrowed his brows and put his hands forward, “And it’s just frustrating. Their whole relationship is frustrating.”

Soobin chuckled. “It’s real.”

Beomgyu sighed. “I don’t want real. Should we rewatch Love, Rosie?” 

“Do you want to?” Soobin raised an eyebrow. “Are you sure you didn’t want to make a speech back there?”

“You are so annoying.” Beomgyu stared at the list. “I thought these two were the same movie.”

“Which ones?” Soobin looked at what Beomgyu was pointing at as he took off his jacket. 

“No strings attached and Friends with benefits.”

“Oh, no. One of them is actually funny and the other one is annoying.”

Beomgyu chuckled as he copied Soobin and took his jacket off. “Why is it on your list, then?”

“Because I never finished it.”

“You can’t judge it if you didn’t see the whole movie.”

“No, listen, in No strings attached she’s like ‘You gave me a mixtape, I don’t want to fuck you anymore.’ What?”

“That’s crazy.” Beomgyu loosened his tie as he followed Soobin to his room, where he started going to his closet, searching for a change of clothes. 

“Right? If someone made me a mixtape I’d just want to fuck them even more.” 

“Just say you want to fuck me.” 

Soobin turned around, frowning as he looked at Beomgyu for a while. “Yeah.”

“What?” 

“I want to. You know that.”

Beomgyu gulped, he could see the seriousness in his eyes. 

They haven’t done anything since that night two months ago. That night also didn’t affect their friendship, it didn’t make things awkward or worse. In fact, they have become clingier since then. 

So what’s one more?

Stepping forward, Beomgyu grabbed Soobin’s tie. “You look really good in a suit.”

“So do you.”

He leaned down to kiss Beomgyu, not a playful peck, but an actual kiss, grabbing his face and making him walk back until the back of his legs felt the bed. 

Beomgyu started unbuttoning Soobin’s shirt, taking the tie off before sliding the fabric down Soobin’s shoulders. 

He laid on the bed, watching Soobin’s body as he climbed into his lap. 

“Do you remember when we were kids and—“

Soobin sighed. “What are you thinking of right now?”

“When you had your first boner at a sleepover and cried.”

Soobin took the chance to tug Beomgyu’s tie off his neck. “Are you always this talkative in bed?”

“Sorry, nerves.” 

“Why are you nervous?” Soobin slowly unbuttoned his shirt. “I have everything we need, nothing will hurt.”

“Not about bottoming, you horny bastard.”

“Aye, we never said anything about that.”

“I’m nervous about us.” Beomgyu looked away. “I don’t want this to change us.”

“It won’t.” Soobin placed a gentle hand on Beomgyu’s waist and rubbed the bare skin with his thumb. “If you want to end it here, we can just watch a movie and call it a day.” 

“I don’t want to stop. I just don’t want to start digging a hole in our friendship and then realize we’re in too deep when it’s late.” 

“Do you feel like it’s doing something to our friendship?” 

“No, actually, which is also scary.”

“Let’s just get changed and watch a movie. Yeah?”

Beomgyu grabbed Soobin’s thighs and stopped him from getting off his lap. “But I really want to do it.” He whined. 

Soobin scoffed, giving him a peck, a kiss on the cheek, a kiss on the forehead and hesitating before kissing the tip of his nose. “You’re so cute.”

“Are we gonna..? No, get back.” Beomgyu cried out as Soobin pulled away from him to stand up again. 

With a laugh, Soobin walked around the bed. “Patience.” 

Beomgyu huffed, he looked up as he heard the drawer on the bedside table open and close again. “So…”

The bed dipped as Soobin sat by his side to look down at him. “Move up.”

Beomgyu complied, shimming up until his head was on the pillows. “I don’t mind the lights being on, do you?”

“No, I like it.” Soobin traced a finger on Beomgyu’s jaw, he moved on the mattress, straddling Beomgyu’s hips again. 

“Should we, uh, put some music on?” 

Soobin sighed, picking his phone up to click on a few options before music started playing on his speaker. He threw the phone on the mattress and looked back at Beomgyu who was biting his lip. 

“Do you think—?”

“Beomgyu.” 

“That’s me.”

“Do you really want to do this?”

“I do.” Beomgyu nodded. “Sorry, should I be doing something with my hands?” He grabbed Soobin by the waist. 

(Did he ever mention that Soobin had a really small and pretty waist? And broad manly shoulders?)

“You’re talking too much.”

“I’m nervous. You know I babble when I am like this.” 

“Are you still worried about regretting it later?”

“No, I just think you’re very hot.” Beomgyu looked down at Soobin’s naked torso, mustering the courage to make his hand travel up and down. “And you’re also experienced. What the fuck? You weren’t like this. I was supposed to be the cooler one. Somehow we just swit—“

Soobin kissed him, his hands roamed inside Beomgyu’s open shirt before he started kissing his neck. “How do I get that pretty mouth to stay quiet?”

“Keep it busy.” 

He could hear the buckle of Soobin’s belt being opened. “Will do.”

“You know one cliche that I hate?”

“What?”

Beomgyu licked his lips. “When there is a cut screen to the two characters and they’re just laying there naked looking at the ceiling.”

Soobin turned to him, still breathing heavily. “Like now?”

Beomgyu turned to him with a smile. “Yeah.”

Soobin laughed, bringing the blanket closer to his chest before turning to rest on his side. Beomgyu did the same so they could face each other. 

“Hi.”

“Hey.”

Beomgyu giggled. It was a good kind of weird. A kind of weird that meant ‘I was just screaming your name seconds ago. How embarrassing. It felt good’.

Soobin raised a hand, slowly gracing his finger up Beomgyu’s arm, to his shoulder and down his back. He ran it back up, making Beomgyu shudder with the soft tickle. 

Beomgyu brought him in for a kiss, a softer one. 

A kiss. A kiss. 

Beomgyu always felt jealous of people that enjoyed kissing. It felt like something that was hidden away from him. What do you mean it was always supposed to feel good? 

But Soobin made it feel good. He made it feel as addictive as people claimed it to be, as magical, as strong. 

Beomgyu sighed through his nose as Soobin’s fingers found the back of his head, drawing circles against his scalp as he played with the short hair there. 

“You make me feel so good.” Beomgyu put an arm around Soobin’s torso as he pressed their foreheads together. 

Soobin hummed. “I’m glad.” 

Soobin’s other arm snuck under him to hold his lower back as he continued touching Beomgyu’s hair. 

“You make me feel so… Safe. So loved.”

“You are.” Soobin smiled and rubbed their noses together. “You’re safe and loved with me.”

“I get it, love you too.” He chuckled to himself. 

“What’s funny?”

“Like a friend loves a friend.”

Soobin snorted at the movie reference and the two laughed as they stayed like that a little longer. 

+

“I have to pop a fucking champagne bottle.”

“Stop.”

Yeonjun stood from his couch, bringing his hands up to hold his head as he walked. “Details, now.”

“No, I still regret telling you the details last time.”

Yeonjun punched the air. “Details! Who did what? Where? How?”

“No.”

“How many? How long?” He gasped. “How big?” 

“You are disgusting.” Beomgyu scrunched his nose. “I’m never telling you anything again.” 

“Okay, don’t tell me. I will get some wine so we can cheer for this.”

Yeonjun walked to his kitchen and got the wine glasses, Beomgyu bit the cuticles around his nails as he shook his legs. He watched him get an already opened wine bottle. 

“It was after the engagement party.”

Yeonjun wiped his head up as he got the cork out. “Listening.” 

“Two times. Big. Good.” He smiled. “Good.”

“Ha!” Yeonjun put the bottle down to cover his face with both hands, spinning around before picking up the bottle again and filling the glasses. “I knew this day would come.”

“I didn’t.” Beomgyu laughed breathily. “I never thought I could have casual sex.”

“What do you mean?” Yeonjun frowned as he went back to the couch with two glasses. 

“Exactly that.”

“No, Beomgyu, there is nothing casual between you two.” He passed one glass to him. “Not when there are feelings for each other. I thought you cleared that up first.”

“It is casual. Soobin does casual.”

“Are you sure?” 

“He told me.” Beomgyu sipped on his wine. “We are also… Not exclusive. He has other, you know, partners.”

“That’s so stupid.” Yeonjun frowned. “And you’re okay with that?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Beomgyu shrugged. “It’s casual.” 

“Beomgyu, you know it’s not something just casual for you.”

“It is.”

“Ah, whatever. It’s still a milestone in your life.” Yeonjun clinked their glasses together. “Okay, one step at a time. You can confess later.”

“No.”

“What now?”

“We’re already bending the friendship as hard as we can, but confessing will actually break it.” 

“So? You’ll swallow your feelings?”

Beomgyu winked. “Been doing that for fifteen years.”

+

When Jane Austen said “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more”... She made a good point. 

Beomgyu thinks that he might’ve made a mistake. 

Sure, moving to the apartment next to Soobin seemed like a great idea just a week ago when they saw that it was available after his neighbor moved out. 

But he was on his way up the stairs when he stopped to look at the man coming down, who also recognized him. 

Semin stopped midway, staring back at Beomgyu with a blank expression before continuing down. The orange hair was a little washed out now. 

Did he just come from Soobin’s place? Did they just finish their own casual business?

It’s not like Beomgyu and Soobin repeated what happened that night, it’s not like they spent the week being all kissy and loving. They just fell back to their usual friendship. 

They promised nothing was going to change. Nothing was changing. 

He can’t get mad if Soobin is still seeing other people, it’s been a while and he might feel urges that Beomgyu is incapable of feeling. 

Moving next to Soobin was like a dream come true to their childhood selves, but maybe he shouldn’t. 

What would he do when he finds other men coming in and out of Soobin’s place? What if he can hear him calling out somebody else’s name at night?

Beomgyu goes back home. 

+

It’s normal to have days when you don’t talk to your friends, it’s normal if you don’t see them every day. 

Beomgyu frowned as he watched an agitated Soobin enter his room. 

“Hello?”

“Why aren’t you answering? I’ve been texting and calling the whole day.” Soobin closed the door behind him. 

Beomgyu’s mom probably let him in. 

Beomgyu was sitting on the floor, he looked around the mess of clothes and things surrounding him. “Ah, I don’t know where my phone is.” 

“What are you doing?”

“Packing.” Beomgyu motioned at his things. “To move out.”

Soobin looked around the room. “Need help?”

“Yeah.”

Soobin goes to sit next to Beomgyu, listening attentively to his instructions and starting to fold some clothes. 

“I was worried.”

Beomgyu hummed, he knows why. He’s been ignoring a lot of Soobin’s texts this last week. 

He acts dumb. “Really?”

“Gyu,” Soobin looked up at him, he looked sad, “Is something wrong?”

They bent their friendship so much that they could see the cracks forming. 

“I saw Semin coming out of your place the other day.”

“He picked up some things he left there, but you know we ended everything.”

“You shouldn’t have.” Beomgyu finished folding another shirt and put it in his suitcase. 

“What?”

“I don’t want to be your fuck buddy, I don’t want the benefits, I don’t want to mess around. I am not his replacement.”

“I never insinuated that.” Soobin frowned. “I told you I wanted to end it a while ago.”

“I know, I just wanted to clear that up.” 

“Okay.”

Soobin kept folding the shirts, he looked like a kicked puppy. 

The cracks go deeper, Beomgyu can’t stop it now. He doesn’t want to bring up the topic again. 

“So,” Beomgyu gulped, trying to lift the tension, “We can’t have the garden full of dogs, but I was thinking of buying a projector for my living room. There isn’t a spare room for our cinema room.” 

Soobin chuckled. “Yeah.” 

They finished folding the shirts and Soobin looked around the room, going towards some dusty boxes and games that Beomgyu got from the top of his closet. 

Beomgyu closed the suitcase and watched as Soobin picked up a box with Sonic the Hedgehog stickers on it. 

Soobin smiled as he showed him the box. “Do you remember this?”

Beomgyu nodded as he crawled closer to him. “Let’s see.”

They decorated this box during elementary school, almost fifteen years ago. Soobin opened it and gasped at the amount of pictures inside. 

“Look at us.” He smiled as he held up a picture of him eating ice cream as Beomgyu cried. 

“Why don’t I have normal pictures?” Beomgyu frowned as he picked up another photo, little Soobin was smiling as Beomgyu made an ugly face for the camera. 

“Because you weren’t a normal kid.” Soobin laughed as he picked up a photo of them in the bathtub, plastic caps made their ears stand out as they smiled for the picture. 

“I look like a troublemaker.” Beomgyu stared at one with both of them covered in mud, smiling with missing teeth. “But I was a good kid.”

Soobin showed him one where he made another ugly face as little Soobin watched him with a frown. “So good.” 

A picture of them sleeping on the couch, a picture of them hugging on Soobin’s 7th birthday, a picture taken by Beomgyu as Soobin made an ugly face. 

“Look at us, our only worries were eating candy and math homework.” 

Soobin reached inside the box, taking a bunch of papers out and unfolding one. “The dream house!” He gasped loudly. “Oh my god, look, we also had an aquarium.” 

Beomgyu chuckled, watching as Soobin unfolded another paper, instantly recognizing it. “Oh.”

“What is—? Ah, our plan B contract.” 

“I really thought twenty five was too old to be unmarried.” 

Soobin re-read the contract, stating that they would get married to each other if they were single at twenty five years old. He chuckled. “Seems like we’ll have to dye our hair pink, we’re twenty five in a few months.” 

“You’ll actually do it?”

“A contract is a contract.” Soobin put the paper down as he unfolded another drawing. “But why did you make that?”

“It’s obvious, to marry you.”

“Yeah, but why?”

Fine. They’re already bending the friendship. This already felt like mourning for what they once were. Another crack isn’t much. 

“Why? Because I had a crush on you.”

“What?” 

Soobin dropped the papers to face him. 

“Yeah, dumbass. How much more obvious did you want it to be?” Beomgyu pointed at the contract before getting to his knees. He reached between the boxes to find something he knew was there. 

“Are you for real?”

“You were close to figuring me out here.” Beomgyu finally found the photo between his middle school things. 

Soobin grabbed it and stared at the photo taken at school, where Beomgyu was looking at Soobin as he smiled at the camera. There was a big black marker stain next to Soobin to cover up the girl next to him. 

“Was this Nari?” Soobin laughed. 

“Yeah, you thought I was jealous because she was your girlfriend. You idiot, I wanted to be your boyfriend.”

“I would’ve never guessed.” 

Soobin was actually giggling and smiling instead of being grossed out. This wasn’t what Beomgyu expected. 

“Yeah, but don’t worry.” Beomgyu picked up the baby blue hat with a white heart. “I got with Taehyun after that, I got over it, so I was okay.”

Soobin bit his lip as he nodded, he chuckled to himself again as he looked down. “That’s when I realized I had a crush on you.”

“Shut up.”

“I was so obvious about it too, Taehyun made sure to rub it in my face when I was with you guys.”

“You— You’re kidding me.”

“No. I was so sure Yeonjun was my enemy and then, boom, you had Taehyun.”

Beomgyu sat there with his mouth open. “Our timings are the worst, honestly.”

“You tell me.” Soobin shook his head. “Then, I think ‘okay, this is it’ and you enlisted?” 

“What?” Beomgyu gasped. “You liked me then?”

“And who the fuck was there?” Soobin put his hands up, face red. “Kang fucking Taehyun and his shit eating grin.” 

Beomgyu laughed, doubling over as he heard Soobin’s breathy laugh. The mixture of awkwardness and amusement made it hard for Soobin to look him in the eye. 

Soobin clenched his jaw, looking down at the pictures before picking them back up from the floor. 

“Talking about taking your virginity at his engagement party, screw Kang Taehyun.” 

Beomgyu’s laugh faded, he stared at Soobin as he closed the box. “The engagement party?”

“Maybe he fucked you first, but you taught me how to make it feel good with a pillow. I was there first.” 

“Are you maybe still jealous?”

“And you still have that hat.” Soobin frowned as he pointed at the couple's item. “Where are our matching shirts? We had those first. We did it first.”

“Soobin?” 

The taller refused to meet his gaze, he frowned as he looked down at the box and peeled the edge of one sticker. 

“Soobin, do you still like me?”

“Sorry.”

Beomgyu took a deep breath, furrowing his brows as he shook his head. “You do?”

“I know you like labels.”

“What?”

“I know you don’t want to be friends with benefits, I know you want to stay being best friends our whole lives.”

“We are still best friends.”

“I ruined it, friends don’t do the things I want to do with you.” 

Beomgyu crawled closer to him. “What do you want to do?”

“Don’t start something you’ll regret later.” Soobin shook his head again. “I don’t have a lot of self control.”

“Do you still like me?”

“I tried to stop it but I couldn't.” Soobin scoffed. “I thought we could be different, we could actually mess around and keep our friendship without it affecting me, but it’s just like all those movies, it hurts. I keep falling harder.”

Snap. 

“I couldn’t stop either.” Beomgyu exhaled as he searched for Soobin’s hand. 

“What do you mean?”

“I also keep falling harder for you.”

“But you don’t want us to change?”

“You are still my best friend, no matter what, but we can add something to that.”

“Like what?” 

“We are two best friends in love, why can’t we just be boyfriends?”

Soobin raised his eyebrows, finally looking at Beomgyu’s face with wide eyes. “What? Are you sure?” 

It’s a big jump, a huge jump. He never expected to move so fast, but maybe they moved too slow already.

“You don’t want to?”

“Are you kidding? I’ve wanted to hear you say that for a decade.” 

Beomgyu giggled, moving closer to wipe the tears falling down Soobin’s cheeks. “Why are you crying?” 

“I thought I was losing you.”

He leaned to kiss his trembling lips. “You’re stuck with me forever.”

“Is that a promise?”

“You dumbass.” Beomgyu chuckled as he held Soobin’s face. “Are you actually jealous of Taehyun and Yeonjun?”

“Yeah, your first kiss, first boyfriend, first time.”

“So? You are my first love.”

=

“Here it comes, your favorite part.” Soobin teased. 

Beomgyu looked up from where he was hiding his face against Soobin’s neck, getting sleepy from the fingers playing on his hair. “Ah, of course.”

With boxes filling Beomgyu’s apartment, they decided to spend the night at Soobin’s. 

They were tangled under the covers, cuddling as Soobin ran his fingers through Beomgyu’s hair. Of course, a romantic comedy played on the TV. 

“Look at that.” He spoke with his cheek squished against Soobin’s chest. “Fast forward to them being together, kiss, then roll the credits. You’ll never know how they adjusted to dating.”

Soobin laughed. “That’s what the movie plot is for.”

“It’s the most cliche, most lazy writing trick ever.”

“Let me tell you what happens.” Soobin got him to look up. “They’re the same, but now they’re happier and cuddle a lot more.”

“Is that so?” Beomgyu kissed him and chuckled. “Speaking from experience?” 

“Maybe.” He hummed. 

“I love you.”

“Love you too.”

“Like… A boyfriend loves a boyfriend.”

Soobin giggled against his lips. “I know.”

And they kissed.