Chapter Text
I have to cancel on tonight, really sorry. Will make it up to you. X
Her heart dropped. Oh. She thought, running her fingers through her perfectly curled blonde hair. She took in her appearance in the mirror, her pale blue dress fitted seamlessly to her overwhelming curves, her hair styled exactly how she wanted it, make-up done with expert precision. Right now, Rebecca Welton was the dictionary definition of ‘all dressed up with nowhere to go’.
Normally, if she got a text saying something had been cancelled, whether that be a date, a posh event, girls night or drinks with the team, she’d sigh with happiness, glad that she didn’t have to get dolled up and could just get comfy in her pj’s and read a book or re-watch a film she’d seen a million times already or simply sleep the evening away in peace.
But for some reason, having Ted cancel on her fucking hurt.
Barely forty five minutes before she was due to leave her house, her phone beeped, a message from Ted, her face had lit up seeing his name, before she read the words. She had spent so long trying not to let her feelings take over and affect their professional working relationship, but it just got too difficult. Keeping her feelings to herself had been her greatest asset for most of her life, never letting anyone see her with her guard down, never letting anyone know how she really felt. Rupert had spent years telling her that showing her emotions was a weakness that anyone - especially him, although he never said it out loud - could take advantage of.
Because of that she had spent years honing the perfect wall, made of solid brick and built so high no ladder could ever reach the top, guarded by barbed wire and fire breathing dragons like the princess’s castles in the fairy tale films she used to watch with Nora, just so she could keep her feelings locked away, buried deep in a box in that castle where no one would ever find them and use them against her ever again.
That was until she met Ted Lasso.
It took a while, a good few months for him to make his way into her heart. Without knowing it he’d managed to slay the dragon, simply by feeding it a diet of perfectly baked shortbread - just like her grandfather used to make - and kind words, words she hadn’t heard for years. He’d cut his way through the barbed wire with his sharp wit and endless supply of folksy anecdotes of a faraway land of sunflower fields, dirt roads and the best barbeque she’d ever taste if she planned to visit one day. He shattered the wall, unknowingly, the day he let her help him through his panic attack outside a karaoke club in Liverpool after a win they’d waited sixty years for, after he had clung to her hand and asked her if he was crazy.
She was his from that moment on.
Reading his quick, almost emotionless message had hurt. Ted was never emotionless. He always showed his feelings, the complete opposite of herself, which had caused her for a moment to wonder if that was why he’d cancelled on them before they’d even begun. Maybe he had realised that them being together would be a colossal nightmare and not worth the stress and hassle so he had told her he couldn’t make it.
Okay. That’s a shame. Hope everything is okay?
Rebecca replied quickly, wanting him to know that she was there if he needed anything. She waited and waited but a reply never came. Her message went unanswered as she kicked off her nude high heels and tugged on the soft material of her dress, letting it fall to the floor. She sat on the edge of her bed in her underwear, glancing at her phone every few seconds, wishing for a reply, even a couple of words, just to let her know that he was okay, and it was nothing serious.
She felt the heavy burning in her chest rising up into her throat, her lungs felt tight as a sob escaped passed her lips. She clasped her hand across her mouth, squeezing hard, determined to keep her broken heart buried. The last thing she wanted was to breakdown alone in her underwear simply because of a cancelled date. Maybe there was something wrong, maybe he couldn’t tell her, but maybe he did have a legitimate reason. Her brain whirled through a thousand different scenarios as she tried to convince herself it was fine and he would call her later to apologise or turn up at her house in the morning nervously apologising for cancelling, insisting he take her out for breakfast to make up for it.
She kept her hand fastened across her mouth, silently cursing the tears for breaking free as her brain rounded back to the same conclusion. The one Rupert had put there many years ago, the one he had slowly and painfully crafted into her only thought for over a decade.
He doesn’t want you. No one does. You’ll end up alone. Forever.
Across the green and down a cobbled street, Ted Lasso sat in his flat, his dark grey tie hanging off his neck, his freshly pressed shirt half unbuttoned down his chest, his hands tugged on his hair, his breathing erratic and fast. He cursed himself, watching his phone light up with Rebecca’s response.
God, he wanted to tell her. He wanted to tell her how he caught sight of himself in the mirror all dressed up for their first date, he’d gotten himself ready to walk out the door and felt his heart rate increase. How he’d felt the air catch in his lungs and heard the little voice in his head start laughing. Laughing at how he thought he could have a relationship with Rebecca fucking Welton, the most wonderful, beautiful person he had ever met. He wanted to admit that he’d began overthinking almost immediately about how she deserved so much better, about how ridiculous he was and how they would never work simply because she was far too good for him. He wanted to call her and tell her he was having a panic attack, worse than what she’d witnessed in Liverpool simply because this panic attack meant that he was letting her down and that was the one thing he never wanted to do.
She’d have spent the evening getting ready, doing her hair and her make-up, choosing an outfit, and here he was sitting on the floor of his bedroom, his back pressed against the side of her bed, having ruined her night.
He wanted to call her just to hear her voice, he wanted to apologise and hope to god she’d forgive him.
He wanted to tell her he had been waiting months for this night. For their first date, for them to finally spend time together, outside of work, just the two of them, not as friends or co-workers but as potential lovers. As two people who had a deep, profound respect for each other, who made each other laugh and somehow, despite having vastly different upbringings and previous relationships seemed to be connected on a deeper level, something spiritual, like an invisible string had been tied to each of them since birth and they had slowly been getting pulled closer and closer together until this very moment.
He wanted her beside him, holding his hand, telling him to breathe and everything would be okay, just like she did for him in Liverpool. She’d helped him come back to reality, to a damp night, a loud dance beat thudding in the background, neon lights lighting up the street, and her face, her bright, jade green eyes staring into his soul promising everything would be okay if only he would just breathe with her.
=
“Right you sexy witch! Tell me everything!” Keeley burst through the office door just after nine am on Monday morning, a wide grin on her face as she threw herself down onto the couch, tucking her legs beneath her “Did you fuck? I bet you fucked; you’ve been giving each other sexy eyes forever!”
“Keeley—” Rebecca sighed.
“Did you even leave the house, I bet you just decided to skip dinner and shag in every room in your house, didn’t you?” Keeley’s rushed voice was starting to give Rebecca a headache.
“Keeley! We didn’t—”
“Oh, well that’s fine, I imagine Ted’s all respectful and does the whole three dates before sex thing—”
“No.” Rebecca interrupted “Keeley, we didn’t—the date didn’t happen.” She said quietly, trying to hide the utter disappointment in her voice.
The younger woman’s head tilted to the side like a confused puppy “Wait, what? What do you mean it didn’t happen?”
Rebecca shrugged “It didn’t happen, we didn’t go—he text me saying he had to cancel—”
The silence around the room felt awkward and choking.
“I don’t get it” Keeley said, standing from the couch to sit in front of Rebecca at her desk “Why?”
“I don’t know” Rebecca fiddled with the pen in her hand “He just said he had to cancel, and he was sorry, and he’d make it up to me. I said I hope everything’s okay and never got an answer so—”
“Have you spoken since?”
Rebecca shook her head, trying to hide her utter disappointment behind her china cup as she took a sip of now lukewarm tea. The temperature reminding her that Ted was yet to show up for biscuits with the boss, he was almost forty minutes late.
“I’m not going to push it. He obviously cancelled for a reason and if he wants to tell me he can, if he doesn’t—” She took a deep breath “Well, he doesn’t have to.”
Another silence threatened to fall over the pair but was quickly swept away by a hurried knock and a “Hey Boss!”
Ted walked into the office, a smile on his face and the faithful pale pink box in his hands “Sorry these are late, hope your tea hasn’t gotten too cold.”
“It’s fine, Ted” She smiled, and Ted felt his heart stutter in his ribcage. It wasn’t her normal smile, it was almost hesitant, like she was worried.
He wanted so badly to apologise for Saturday night, for cancelling last minute and letting her down but he couldn’t find the words and Keeley was sat right there watching the two of them like a hawk.
He placed the box on her desk and took a step back, watching as she reached for them and held the box gently between her long fingers, stroking the top of it with her fore finger “Thank you, Ted” She said softly, giving him a small smile.
“No problem” He smiled back, wanting nothing more than to grab her up from her desk and pull her into the strongest hug. Instead he gave her a small nod and walked quickly from the room.
After a moment of silence, glancing in shock and confusion between Rebecca and the door Ted had just walked through, Keeley’s voice piped up “What the fuck was that?!”
Rebecca looked startled “What?” She asked, opening the pink box, a warmth spreading through her as the scent of sugar and happiness filtered up from the biscuits.
“That!” The younger blonde pointed between Rebecca and the door “You two! God that was painful to watch. Like awkward—you guys need to talk right now and sort that shit out because I can’t have two of my favourite people being like that around each other. Normally you two can’t keep your eyes off each other and it’s like you just want the rest of us to leave so you can fuck each other’s brains out but that—god, that was like divorced parents who haven’t seen each other in a year having to fake civility at their kids primary school talent show.” She ranted.
“It’s fine, Keeley—” Rebecca started, wanting nothing more than for the conversation to end.
“No — no it isn’t fine, babe!” Keeley leaned over in the chair, her elbows perched on Rebecca’s desk “You deserve better than being cancelled on last minute, even if he has a legit reason, he should still give you an explanation.”
“No.” Rebecca snapped. “No, he doesn’t have to explain anything to me, Keeley. If he didn’t want to go out with me, he didn’t have to. No one should’ve forced him to do anything he didn’t want to do. Clearly—” She inhaled deeply, fighting back the burning feeling in her chest “Clearly, he changed his mind. If it was something with Henry or anything like that he would’ve told me—but he didn’t.”
“But—”
“No. Keeley.” She sighed, desperate for this conversation to end “No. Just leave it. Please.”
=
Two weeks went by, and the awkwardness between Ted and Rebecca was still lingering. He turned up every morning as usual with perfectly baked biscuits in their perfect little pink box. He would make small talk and she would reply, sometimes trying to get him to open up, ask him questions and watch as he rambled nervously as if they’d never met before.
It made her heart ache. They had come so far and were so close until their cancelled date. Now it seemed like he was just going through the motions, making himself talk to her because of work, because of their morning routine and he just didn’t want to rock the boat. She had never asked him outright why he had cancelled on her or indeed if he wanted to reschedule. She didn’t want to push him, didn’t want to seem desperate and needy, words Rupert had used to describe her when she would question where’d he’d been all weekend or who was going to be at a certain event.
It was a Wednesday afternoon, just after two when she stood at the large wall of windows, watching the team training on the pitch below. She watched as Ted pointed and gestured to Colin and Moe, Beard doing the same with Jamie and Sam, talking them all through a new play they had been devising the week before when a knock at the door startled her and broke her from her thought.
“Knock, knock”
The voice made her blood run cold.
It wasn’t the owner of the voice that her eyes were drawn to however, it was the little girl perched on his hip.
“Rupert.” She replied sternly, trying to keep her composure together in front of her ex-husband.
He always seemed to turn up when she was having a moment of crisis, when she needed time to think, to be alone, like a ghost in a haunted house that would show it’s face when she was already terrified, like when the trees made shadows on her bedroom walls at night when she was a child, looking like monsters coming to take her away. He was that monster; he was that ghost. That hollow voice that only she could hear, trying to convince her that he was the only one to ever love her and her survival and safety depended on him.
Rupert spoke but she couldn’t hear the words, her attention was too focused on his daughter, Diane. The little girl would only be about eight months old if her maths was correct. She had a tight hold of the collar of Rupert’s leather jacket, but her eyes were fixed firmly on Rebecca.
“Can we? –” He pointed at the large couch and Rebecca nodded, watching as he put the grey and white baby bag on the table and carefully placed his daughter on the couch.
He sat beside her and handed her a stuffed bunny rabbit “There we go, sweetheart.” He said softly.
Rebecca felt her heart jump into her throat, watching him being so soft and loving with his child. The child she so desperately craved, the child he didn’t want with her.
She watched as Diane clambered to her feet, bouncing slightly on the couch cushion, grinning and squealing when she realised she could bounce. The baby girl turned and held onto the back of the couch with one hand, waving her stuffed rabbit around with the other, holding the animal out to Rebecca.
“Oh, she likes you.” Rupert remarked with a smile “She doesn’t give bunny away to just anybody.”
Rebecca reached out and took the little rabbit from Diane’s tiny hand, smiling softly when the little girl squealed and pointed at her, a gummy smile spread across her face.
The sound of a whistle from outside broke her from her revery and she asked, “Why are you here, Rupert?”
“We just thought we’d pay you a visit”
Rebecca scoffed “You never just ‘pay me a visit’ unless you want something.”
“Bex and I are over.”
Well, that was not what she was expecting.
“What?” She looked at him confused, twisting the stuffed bunny’s ears between her long fingers.
“It’s been coming for a while” Rupert sighed, running his hand over his daughters back as she continued to bounce lightly on her little socked feet “Everything just went a bit too fast, marriage, baby—”
“Two divorces in under three years, that’s impressive even for you.” Rebecca remarked with a smirk.
“Ha-ha” Rupert smiled. That smile that made his eyes twinkle, the one that always made her heart stutter.
“I guess it was a bit of a midlife crisis”
“Midlife? Isn’t that a bit optimistic? You’re what age now, sixty-nine?”
“Oh, you sure are sharp today, darling” Rupert laughed, and Rebecca found herself laughing along with him as she sat at the opposite end of the couch, Diane’s bunny still in her hand.
“We both know she was too young. Too naive.” He said after a while “Don’t get me wrong, she’s a great mother, but she’s just a bit too—”
“What do you want, Rupert?” Rebecca cut him off, she really didn’t need to hear all about his marriage, even if it did only last all of twenty minutes.
“I miss you, Rebecca.”
That was definitely unexpected.
It wasn’t until Diane squealed and crawled into her lap that she realised she hadn’t said a word. The little girl clambered clumsily onto Rebecca, holding onto the bow at the front of her pale blue shirt and reaching for the bunny with her other hand.
“Oh—” Rebecca jerked back to reality, the weight of the little girl in her arms made her want to burst into tears “Hi” She said softly. That gentle baby smell that so many people spoke of invaded her space. She could physically feel her biological clock bursting inside of her, blaring loudly like an ambulance siren, as her heart pounded against her ribs.
“Everything I did before, I don’t know, maybe that was a midlife crisis. You were so good to me, and I didn’t appreciate that the way I should have.” He said, smiling as he noticed all her attention was focused on the baby in her arms. He watched her bond with Diane almost immediately.
The little girl gazed up at her with her bright eyes, a sort of blue/grey mix, just like Rupert’s.
“Ah!” The baby yapped, pressing her tiny hand to Rebecca’s cheek.
“She likes you” Rupert’s voice once again breaking her thoughts.
“She’s beautiful” She said quietly, running her finger over the girl’s chubby cheek.
Suddenly it was like no one else existed, just her and this little baby girl, happily babbling away in her lap. If she let herself think about it, this could’ve been her baby girl. She had dark blonde hair, light curls covering her head and Rupert’s diamond bright eyes. Diane could’ve been the baby girl she had craved for her entire marriage, and here she was, right there in her lap.
“We could live the life we should have been living before. I know you still think about us. About me.” His arm reached across the back of the couch and caressed Rebecca’s shoulder.
“This could’ve been us.” His voice made her thoughts scatter “She does look like she could be ours” He chuckled.
Abruptly, she fell back to reality. She remembered everything the man in front of her had done to her. Slept with countless women half her age, belittled her, withheld her own dreams of children, of family picnics in the park and birthday parties in the back garden, family holidays and ice cream sticky fingers clinging to her legs as they paddled in the sea. He made her feel like shit, told her what to wear, what to eat, kept her from her friends, made out that they weren’t good enough for her. She did everything for him, and he gave nothing in return.
And here he was now, like that ghost again, coming back to haunt her when she was sure she was finally free.
“But you didn’t want kids with me” She spoke, her voice deep, as if every emotion she’d ever felt was caught in her throat. She cursed at the tears threatening to make their appearance. She wouldn’t let Rupert see her break. Never again.
“I never should’ve said that, darling.” Rupert replied, a sad look on his face. He was so good at lying, he had managed to trick her for fourteen years. Why would he all of a sudden be telling her the truth now.
She thought about his ‘darling’ pet name and how it sounded like it did before, before the scandal, before their marriage fell apart, how it sounded when he said ‘I love you’ for the first time and when he whispered it in her ear and kissed her neck as they sat together in first class seats on their way to the Milan for their honeymoon. All she could think about was how that word used to make her swoon and now all she could hear was him telling her to calm down and not be so dramatic, that he and Bex were engaged and having a baby, a baby that he didn’t want with her.
“You need to go” She told him, her heart desperately wanting to cling on to the baby in her lap but knowing she had to go with him. Diane wasn’t hers. She wasn’t her baby. She never got to have a baby of her own and it was Rupert who made sure of that.
Just then, Keeley burst into the office.
“Hey babes! Are you still—” She took in the unexpected scene before her; Rupert and Rebecca on the couch, his hand on her shoulder, his baby in her lap “What’s going on?” She asked, her eyes fixed on Rupert.
“Nothing” Rebecca replied, “Rupert was just leaving.”
She stood tall, the little girl still held tight in her arms, Diane now having let go of her blouse in favour of her blonde waves. Rebecca gently pulled the ends of her hair out of the baby’s grasp.
“Bye.” She whispered sadly as the baby gazed at her with her sparkling eyes and gummy smile. She had to forcibly stop herself from kissing the little girl on the head and inhaling her sweet baby scent one more time. Her heart was burning in her chest. The ache that she felt having to hand back this baby to the man she had once loved was a pain she had never experienced. She didn’t know how to deal with this sort of agony, of being confronted with everything she’d ever wanted and yet knew that none of it was hers.
She handed Diane to Rupert, and he turned to leave, not before calmly speaking in her ear as he lifted his daughter “Think about what I said.”
After spending the rest of the day trying to convince Keeley that nothing was going on and Rupert was just being Rupert, that evening as soon as her watch hit five pm, Rebecca went home and swallowed down two glasses of white wine before even kicking off her shoes. She marched straight into the kitchen, grabbed a bottle and a glass and started pouring.
How fucking dare Rupert come back to her when his marriage started falling apart, how dare he think he could just swing back into her life like a fucking wrecking ball and shatter everything she had built, not just with AFC Richmond but within herself as well.
She had finally gotten used to being alone, and while she still had those twinges of loneliness, she knew she had people she could count on, people who would help her in times of need, people she could rely on whenever the situation arose.
She had Ted.
Ted who could make her laugh even when she was in the foulest of moods, Ted who brought her homemade biscuits every day, who cared about her feelings, her opinions, who included her in everything because she was a vital part of the team. Ted, who despite her original evil plans of destruction, forgave her immediately, understood her heartbreak and moved on as if nothing had happened.
Ted, who she had deep, almost overwhelming feelings for.
She soaked in the bath, despite it only being a little after six in the evening, the water so hot it turned her skin a blotchy pink, thinking about how different Ted was to Rupert. How he would never hurt her like Rupert had. How she thought he had feelings for her too, like she did him, but if that was true, why did he cancel their date? Why had he been trying his best to avoid being alone with her?
Maybe Rupert was her chance at not being alone forever. Maybe he was right in his words that he spat to her across the large oak table in her lawyers office the day he finally signed the divorce papers.
“You’re nothing without me, darling. Everybody knows that.” He had sneered “You can dream all you like about how much better life will be without me but we both know it won’t. You’ll end up begging for me to take you back. You’ll never survive on your own.”
What if he had changed?
Rebecca pondered the thought, maybe being without her had changed him, maybe having a child had changed him, mellowed him, made him realise the important things in life. She felt a burning ache creep into her chest as she thought of his baby girl, cuddling into her lap like a little kitten, pawing at the silk bow on her sleeveless shirt, her diamond like eyes, just like Rupert’s beaming up at her without an ounce of hate or fear. She was just a little baby, a little girl full of love and hope and joy, who didn’t think of her as stoic or icy or emotionless like the media had called her so many times.
She was just a happy little girl, bursting to convey that delight in any way she could, which at the moment seemed to be nonsensical babbling, gummy smiles and the handing over of favoured stuffed animals. Maybe if she and Rupert did give it another go, that would mean she would get to be a part of Diane’s life, watching her grow and learn, she would get to have birthday parties in the park and bedtime cuddles and she would finally have someone in her life who would see her as a mother figure. Maybe this was her chance.
Rebecca hastily wiped away tears that burned her eyes as she thought about all those scenes she’d imagined over the years, being bone tired from sleepless nights with a screaming baby but still managing to be the happiest she’d ever be when that little baby looked up at her with their bright, shiny eyes and dimpled cheeks. Watching her toddler take their first steps in the back garden, green grass bright beneath their tiny bare feet as they giggled their way into her arms as she cried with pride. Helping her child with their homework, promising extra ice cream after dinner if they could just do one more maths problem.
What if being with Rupert again meant she could have that? Would being with him again be worth it? Even if he went back to his usual ways, his cheating, his belittling, his control of her every move, would all of that be worth it if it meant she could finally be some version of a mother?
She cried silently, for an entire life she could’ve had when her phone buzzed on the floor beside the tub, the vibrations rattling against the tiled floor.
Ted.
He always seemed to show up exactly when she needed him.
Hey Boss, can you come over? X
Across the green, Ted’s fingers nervously tapped against the screen of his phone as he waited for a reply. Barely a minute later, three dots appeared on the screen.
When? Is everything okay? X
Like 30 mins? Everything’s fine. Just need to run something by you. X
Be there in 30. X
Rebecca had practically jumped out of the bath, barely taking a second to pull the plug to drain the water and quickly dried herself. She left her hair up in the large clip, soft tendrils framed her face and hung loose at the back of her neck. She quickly swiped her fingers beneath her eyes, wiping away the dark tracks of mascara that had formed with her tears.
She pulled on her black leggings, white t-shirt and long camel coloured cardigan and slipped her feet into her plain white trainers, barely stopping to grab her handbag from the kitchen where she had dumped it earlier.
She had driven to Ted’s with her heart in her throat. They had barely spoken in the two weeks since their cancelled date. Biscuits with the boss had gone from a half hour long chat to a rushed five minute handing over of biscuits and a quick ‘hey, how’ve you been?’.
=
Ted stood from the table and quickly double checked everything was as it should be. He moved into his bedroom and changed his grey t-shirt now spattered slightly with ingredients for a plain black one, tucked slightly into just the front of his jeans. He didn’t want it to be anything other than comfortable for the two of them.
Keeley had barged into his office the day before, not long after training had finished and almost yelled at him for cancelling on Rebecca. He had no idea she had even known about the date. The younger woman had told him she had just walked in on Rupert and his baby in Rebecca’s office. Rebecca didn’t tell her anything about what had gone on, but she could tell by Rebecca’s whole demeanour that whatever it was, it had her stuck inside her own head.
He hadn’t known Rupert very well at all. All the stories he’d heard, he’d been told from Roy or Higgins, or from Rebecca herself and everything about him set Ted’s soul on edge. Nothing good could have come from him going to Rebecca’s office.
He had decided to make it up to her like he promised he would when he cancelled their date at the last minute. He hadn’t known how to do it and then Keeley said something that made him stop in his tracks.
“She doesn’t care about anything other than you, Ted. She doesn’t care about what anyone thinks or what the media will say, she just wants you. She wants to be happy. She deserves to be happy.”
The buzzer rang and his heart pounded furiously in his chest. He took a deep breath and buzzed the door open to let her in. She was at his front door in seconds.
“Is everything okay?” She asked, slightly out of breath as if she’d ran to his door.
“Yeah, yeah.” He smiled “Hi.”
Her cheeks were pink, he wasn’t sure if she had actually ran there or it was because of the slight chill in the air. It didn’t look like she had any make up on, if she did it was minimal. She wore a long cardigan, open and billowing slightly in the evening wind with a white t-shirt underneath and it looked so soft that he had to stop himself from reaching out to touch it. She wore plain black leggings and trainers. Ted smiled wider noticing the shoes on her feet, he had rarely ever seen her without her weapon like high heels.
“Hi” She grinned back.
He stepped back and let her into his flat, nerves rattling around in his stomach when she came to a stop outside the small kitchen.
He had lit candles. The table set for two. A bottle of white wine open and waiting to be poured.
“I promised I’d make it up to you” He said softly, standing behind her.
The longer she stayed silent, the more anxiety he felt “If it’s too much—” He started and was cut off by Rebecca throwing herself into his arms.
Ted chuckled and wrapped his arms around her waist.
Rebecca pulled back and stared at him, her eyes flitting from his eyes to his lips and back.
“I know we were supposed to go to that Italian place—” He started, clearing his throat “So I thought I’d make Italian.”
“Sounds perfect” She all but whispered, wanting nothing more than to kiss him.
“I also—” He turned away from her and grabbed a small bunch of multi-coloured tulips from the counter. He smiled and handed them to her, his heart bursting at the small grin that spread across her face.
“Mama said never turn up to a date empty handed” He smiled and watched as she traced the petals of the brightly coloured flowers with her perfectly manicured nail.
“Well, I think I’m the one that turned up—technically. I just wish I’d worn something nicer.” She smiled gesturing to her outfit and the fact that she was standing in his kitchen, clutched the flowers gently against her front.
“You look perfect.”
“Thank you.” She mouthed to him.
=
“Fuck me, Ted” She groaned through a mouthful of pasta “How are you so good at this?”
Ted smirked behind his own fork, chuckling as Rebecca stabbed at the food on her plate, chewing mouthful by mouthful.
“Found a decent recipe online, thought I’d try it out. Although it was supposed to be somethin’ with prawns but I ain’t all that big a fan of seafood, so I just switched them out for chicken.”
Rebecca smiled; she had no idea he wasn’t a fan of seafood. She felt her heartbeat pound faster in that moment, all of a sudden wanting to know every single piece of information there was to know about Ted Lasso. His childhood dreams, his favourite food and if he had any superpower what would it be, the first movie he ever saw, his biggest fears, to see where he grew up, she wanted to know everything. Even things he’d told her before, she wanted to hear them all again.
“I’m sorry.” Ted spoke nervously as they continued eating “About cancellin’—you know, so last minute and everythin’.”
She shook her head lightly and took a sip of her glass of wine “It’s fine.”
“No, no, it ain’t.” He shook his head and placed his glass on the table, his hands shaking slightly “I didn’t wanna let you down. I was so happy, when you—when you said yes and I finally thought this is it, you know?”
“Ted—” She reached for his hand “It’s okay.” She placed her fork on the table and pulled his hands apart, linking her fingers with his, squeezing tight “You could never let me down” She said softly, using one hand to brush lightly across his cheek and over the side of his head, his dark hair so soft against her fingers. It was the most intimately she had touched him, her fingertips gently grazing the tip of his ear. Her heart pounded, she wanted to be with him in every way, mind, body and spirit.
He pulled their joined hands to his mouth and pressed his lips to her knuckles.
“Can I tell you something?” Rebecca spoke so soft it was almost a whisper.
“Anythin’” Ted replied with another quick kiss against her hand.
Rebecca took a deep breath “I’m exhausted” she said with a small chuckle “I thought—I thought that maybe you’d just changed your mind, and I’ve been going over and over it in my head for the past two weeks—”
“Rebecca—”
“I thought maybe Rupert was right. Maybe I am too much for some people, maybe I will end up alone because I left him—I was finally strong enough to leave him and yet he was right.”
Ted felt an ache in his chest so painful he almost cried out. How could anyone ever say that Rebecca was too much? The fact that she used those words made his head pound with memories of Michelle telling him to stop and everything was too much; too fast, too loud, too happy, he was too much.
“We had been getting on so well, we were getting closer, and I figured that whatever was happening between us was happening to us both, not just me—it wasn’t just my feelings—” She hesitated “And then when you cancelled, I was so thrown by it that all I could think was that it was just me and you didn’t feel the same and all of my anxieties came bubbling to the surface and I couldn’t sleep for thinking this was how it was supposed to be, I was supposed to be alone—"
“Hey—” He cut her off mid-sentence, his palm against her cheek, tilting her gaze towards him “You are never too much.” He spoke with certainty “And you will never end up alone. Not if I have anythin’ say ‘bout it”
She nodded softly, turning her head slightly to kiss his palm. She smiled as his cheeks turned pink and they went back to eating. He told her about Henry’s latest school project and how he was starting to play baseball.
“There isn’t a soccer team or anythin’ at his school and he’s a little mad about it” He said with a soft chuckle “There is a soccer camp thing during the summer though, just a day thing, they get dropped off in the morning and some kids from the local college teams come and play an’ show them some stuff an’ then they get picked up in the late afternoon.”
“That sounds lovely, he’d enjoy that.” Rebecca smiled, twirling pasta around her fork.
“Yeah, he would. Michelle’s already emailed them about a place for him so just waitin’ to hear back.” He replied “When he was tellin’ me about it I thought that would be somethin’ we might be able to do—you know? AFC Richmond.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah, well, you see yourself the amount of little kids running around the park with a football, the amount that come to our games. There’s so many workin’ moms and dads in the area, wouldn’t it be a good thing to have? Something for the community, bringin’ people together. We could have different sections you know. Some learnin’ how to save goals, some learnin’ how to score, learnin’ different techniques and stuff.”
“Sounds like you’ve thought about this a lot” Rebecca smiled.
“Not really.” He shook his head, his cheeks pinking up “Just when Henry mentioned it, I had a look on the website and checked it out. Figured we could maybe try it out, give some of the boys somethin’ to do during the off months, I know they’d love it. Could even see about some of the local businesses in the area, if they wanted to have stalls or donate food or anything like that, get their names out there as well, you know?”
“I think it’s something we should definitely look into” Rebecca smiled at the grin Ted gave her, as if she’d just told him Santa was real.
However, moments later, as she reached for another slice of garlic bread, she felt like her world stopped. Ted had leaned closer, placing his hand on her thigh, his fingers squeezing with a gentleness that she had never known. Except instead of his touch setting her on fire, warming her heart and her soul, it made her freeze. She felt her spine go rigid and cursed herself, her fingers, as if a natural reflex, carefully placed the slice of bread back on the plate.
it’s not the same
it’s not the same
She whispered to herself over and over again as Ted looked at her with a small smile, chewing thoughtfully on his creamy pasta. She tried to reply, to return the smile but it felt like her world had stopped.
“Everythin’ okay?” He asked, placing his fork on the edge of his bowl.
“I—yes” She forced a smile and reached for her wine glass.
He squeezed her thigh “Hey, where did you go just now?” He could sense she was distracted, and she cursed herself for not covering her tracks, for not being better at hiding from him.
“No, it’s nothing—” She stuttered.
“Becca—”
She glanced at his hand on her thigh, and he immediately pulled back.
“Oh, I’m so sorry, I didn’t—I just thought—”
“No, Ted,” she grabbed his hand in both of hers and held it tight in her lap.
“It’s not that you touched me, I definitely don’t mind that” She let out a soft breathy laugh. “It’s just—whenever—” She shook her head slightly, trying to rid herself of the memories. She stayed silent for a few moments, willing herself to tell him the truth, fighting the fear of him knowing about her past, about how she weak she was during her marriage, about how she did everything Rupert had told her to in the hope that maybe he’d love her a little more.
“Whenever we were out, for dinner, parties, an event—anywhere with food pretty much—Rupert, he would—that was his cue, his sign, for me to stop eating, that he thought I’d had enough—he would put his hand on my thigh, under the table, so no one could see—or he would squeeze the back of my arm, if we were standing—”
“Rebecca—”
“It’s fine,”
“No, nothin’ about that is fine.” Ted sighed sadly, looking at their plates. A fury burned in his stomach at the thought of anyone, especially Rebecca being treated that way.
“I know that now.” She said quietly, still holding his hand in both of hers, her fingers lightly tracing his knuckles. “But back then I didn’t. I just thought he was looking out for me, that he was making sure I looked good, that I didn’t go too far—”
She heard Ted’s sharp intake of breath and felt ashamed “I just wanted to be good enough.” She whispered. “I thought if I did what he said, if I was what he wanted me to be—”
“You were too good.” Ted interrupted sharply, turning his body to face her, squeezing her hands in his “You were always too good for him. He never appreciated what he had, he wasted his chance and I bet he regrets it now.”
There was a blanket of silence that fell over them, making Rebecca feel like she was shrinking into the chair.
“He came to see me” She admitted, her voice almost a whisper “Today, he—he brought his baby daughter, they—they both came to my office. I guess that’s why I thought of him when you touched me like that …”
“You should’ve shouted out the window at me, Boss” Ted joked “I’d have come hurtlin’ up there like a whippet.”
Rebecca chuckled “Who taught you that one?” Regarding his ‘like a whippet’ remark.
He grinned “Colin. He said somethin’ about Dani runnin’ up the outside like a whippet when we were tryin’ out his new ‘Welsh dragon’ play.”
“So what did he say to you? Keeley said you’ve been a little off since he turned up …”
Rebecca thought for a moment, Ted knew Rupert had shown up. Is that what this was?
“You knew? Is that …” She gestured to the table and their meal “Is that what this is? Did you—did you do all of this because he came to see me today?”
Her heart pounded furiously against her ribs; an acid taste swelled in her throat as she looked around the room. The candles burning on the counter, the bright tulips he’d given her, sitting in a pint glass filled with water until she could get them into a vase at home, the half-eaten dinner they’d been working their way through.
All of this was because of Rupert, because Ted felt sorry for her.
“What? No.” Ted spoke, adamantly, grabbed her hands in his “Becca, heck, of course not. This—I did this because we were supposed to go out before, and I’ve been a coward and I should’ve explained what happened when it did, but I couldn’t bring myself to.”
“Why tonight?” She asked softly “Did Rupert coming to see me have an influence?”
“Of course” He nodded “But it wasn’t the main factor.” He squeezed her fingers “Heck, Rebecca that man makes me—” He took a deep shuddering breath “I try not to hate anybody you know, everybody’s got their own things goin’ on and who am I to judge? But that man, I hate him with every fibre of my bein’.”
“The way he treated you—obviously I don’t know everythin’ and that’s okay, you can tell me, or you don’t have to, it’s your life. But knowin’ what I do know about him, and how he treats people, especially you—” He shook his head and gazed at their joined hands, gently rubbing his thumbs over the back of her hands “Knowing what you had to go through, for over a decade—I just can’t fathom it. I’ll never understand it.”
“You’re brilliant.” He grinned, blushing, unable to look at her as he spoke, “You’re special and you’re kind and smart and beautiful and funny and generous and a million other things and you never deserved anythin’ that he did to you. You deserve the world—and the moon and everythin’ you’ve ever wanted. He never saw that. All he saw was a pawn for his game, and I didn’t want you to think that whatever he said to you today was true, that whatever reason he came to see you, I imagine he made some comments and got some digs in because he just can’t help himself. But I wanted you to know you deserve better.”
“I did all of this tonight because I promised I’d make it up to you. And I wanted you to be okay. I knew he’d have said somethin’ or done somethin’ to upset you because he can’t help himself and I didn’t want you to be sad, I wanted to do somethin’ that would make you smile, that would maybe take your mind off everythin’ for a lil’ while.”
Rebecca felt her heart in her throat, unable to swallow down the boulder of emotions that choked her. She wanted to tell him what Rupert had said, about how he had come in with his baby daughter and her heart ached for the little girl, for the tiny little human she had always wanted. She wanted to admit that Rupert had told her he missed her, that he and Bex had broken up and he said he wanted to try again with her. She wanted to tell him how she felt conflicted, that even though her feelings for him were so strong, so overwhelming, that she in her heart knew that she wanted to be with him, there was something in her brain telling her that maybe Rupert would be the simpler choice. Perhaps being with Rupert again would hurt her, he would make it work for a month or two and start chasing another bit of skirt around town, lying about business meetings and dinners, monitoring her eating habits and her clothing choices.
But she knew that life, she understood that life. She had lived it for over a decade.
Being with Ted, was so new, so terrifyingly exciting that at times she couldn’t cope, something as simple as a silly pun or an attempt at a wink that he still hadn’t mastered, made her insides fizz with joy. She couldn’t let herself think that someone as wonderful and funny and kind as Ted would want to be with someone as cold and damaged and selfish as her.
Maybe being with Rupert was what she deserved. She knew how to deal with those feelings, not being good enough, not being what he wanted. She had spent her whole life disappointing men, her father, her university boyfriend Joel who left after three years because she struggled to commit, Rupert—she knew how to live with those feelings.
But happiness, being with someone who was truly kind and thoughtful, who did things simply because they would make her smile, being with someone who was a decent human being, who put others before themselves, who was like sunshine in human form, she didn’t know how to live with that.
Her brain, that voice that sounded so much like Rupert, like her mother, her father, whispered that she would let him down. Ted would get bored, he’d realise she wasn’t good enough, she wasn’t kind enough or pretty enough or open enough; he was sunshine personified while she was the human equivalent of a volcano; destructive, complicated, fire and anger and devastation bubbling away under the surface.
Her heart wanted happiness, she wanted to be loved by someone who loved her simply because they wanted to, because they thought she was worth it. Her head however, told her that it simply wouldn’t work. That she wasn’t good enough, that it would end is disaster and she’d break him. She’d ruin him, she’d bury that sunshine in the ground, never to be seen again.
She couldn’t bear to do that to him.
“Thank you” She whispered after a moment of silence, tears in her eyes.
Ted smiled and kissed her palm “Now, let’s get this finished ‘cos I’ve got some warm chocolate brownie in the oven and I’m not sure how much longer I can stop myself from devouring it.”
=
They had moved over to the couch with their dessert and while it wasn’t as comfortable as Rebecca’s own couch, hers was more like a bed with armrests than a couch, she felt herself melting into the cushions. She’d almost completely forgotten about Rupert’s visit that afternoon and her emotional bath time just before she received Ted’s text.
“God, I can’t remember the last time I had a chocolate brownie” Rebecca smiled as she placed her spoon in the now empty bowl of brownie and ice cream.
Ted tried not to think about how much of that statement was Rupert’s fault. She had admitted to him outside the gala the previous year how Rupert had told her to ‘eat this, wear that’ and his heart ached. He tried not to imagine just how much control the man had over his wife. He tried not to think about how desperate Rebecca must’ve been to have to continue to listen to him, to do as he said, and how scared she must’ve been during the divorce.
He himself knew what it was like to suddenly be alone after a long marriage, he knew the struggles of trying to find yourself again when you had spent so long as part of a pair with someone else. It had taken him a long time to get used to being alone, but for him, moving to England had helped immensely. He had left his home in Kansas and started afresh in London, like a new person, where nobody knew him or his past.
Rebecca hadn’t been so lucky, she still had to see her ex-husband on the pages of every tabloid rag that hailed him as some sort of hero despite cheating on his wife, while painting her as some sort of ice queen who treated her husband so terribly he had to find love somewhere else, with multiple someone’s.
Ted knew that those statements couldn’t be further from the truth.
He had loved watching the change in Rebecca since he had moved to Richmond. She had been very closed off in the beginning, determined not to be too involved with the team, until she turned up in his office one afternoon with tears in her eyes and a truth bomb.
After her admission of her plan to destroy everything, she had become freer. He had seen her open up more to him and to Keeley, she made herself available to the boys if they had any issues they felt needed addressed they knew they were always welcome to chat to her. She smiled more, she laughed more. She was like a ball of sunshine in his life, he felt like a sunflower, turning his gaze to her every time she appeared, and he couldn’t now imagine his life without her.
“They’re Henry’s favourite.” He smiled, licking his own spoon clean “Especially homemade ones. He likes when they’re extra gooey.”
“When is he getting to come back to Richmond?” Rebecca asked hesitantly.
“Not sure,” Ted shrugged “I’m hopin’ I can get him for Christmas, I reckon he’d love it here at Christmas, with all the lights an’ markets an’ everythin’”
“It is quite magical” She smiled “Especially for a child, I’d imagine.”
“Maybe we could help you with the gift givin’ again, only if you don’t mind another little elf taggin’ along—he’d get a real kick outta that.” He said meaningfully.
Rebecca smiled, she could see Henry, a shorter version of his father with a big, kind soul, determined to carry a huge sack of presents all on his own, singing Christmas songs in the back of her car, telling them both stories about his friends and what he’d learned at school. She wanted it more than anything.
“That would be nice.”
It was hours later, after more talking while Miss Congeniality played almost mute in the background, cups of tea and coffee, laughs and cuddles, that Rebecca found herself being quietly awoken.
“Becca—” Ted whispered.
“Hmm—” Rebecca hummed softly, reaching her hand to her face to rub her sleepy eyes.
“It’s late. You fell asleep.” He grinned as she turned to face him “You fell asleep durin’ a Sandra Bullock masterpiece—unforgivable.” He sniggered, tucking a fallen lock of platinum hair back behind her ear.
“Hmm, shocking.” She smiled, trying to hide a yawn.
“Do—” Ted started, shyly “Do you want to stay? I can sleep on the couch if you’d prefer, it’s no bother to me.”
Yes.
Please.
Forever.
She had to stop herself from nodding, from saying ‘yes, please’ and wrapping herself in his arms, letting him hold her beneath the covers for the rest of eternity. She wanted him with her, skin on skin, feeling his breath against her neck. She didn’t want him to stay on the couch, she wanted him with her, beside her, to the point where there were days it was all she could think about. Waking up with him in the morning, wrapped up in his arms, the simple safety of him. It was what she wanted.
“I—” She started, pushing herself to sit “I do—but maybe—” She sighed sadly, turning to face him, running the tip of her index finger over the bumps of his knuckles “Maybe I shouldn’t.”
Ted nodded, trying to hide his disappointment “Yeah okay, I suppose it is a school night after all.” He smirked as she giggled, tilting her head slightly to the side.
“I just—” She took a deep breath, desperate to will herself to be honest with him, to let him know what she wants “I want—”
“Tell me” He said softly, almost whispering. He lifted his finger to her jaw, tilting her chin up so she could look him in the eye “It’s okay.” He said, “You can tell me anythin’.”
“I know” She nodded, “I know that—and it scares me.”
Ted’s mouth curled, a mix of confusion and pain. Not for himself but for her. She had been so broken by previous relationships that asking for what she wanted, what she needed, had become a terrifying prospect.
“I don’t want you to be scared.” He replied, “If this is too much, if I’m—”
“No.” She stopped him mid-sentence, clutching his hand “It’s not that, it’s not you. I want—god, I want you so much.” She admitted, her cheeks turning pink “I do. I want this to work, I want—”
She swallowed her emotions down “I don’t want to rush this.” She pointed back and forth between herself and him, “I—I want this, us, I want it to work so much.” Tears gleamed in her eyes “I want it so much that if it doesn’t work—”
“Who said it won’t?” He replied when she went silent.
“I ruin everything, Ted.” She whispered, gazing at him sadly, “I don’t want to ruin you too.”
“You won’t.” He said determinedly, shaking his head slightly “You’ve been told this for so long, that you aren’t enough, that you’ve done somethin’ wrong, and you absolutely have not.” He said sharply, “You haven’t. And if you don’t wanna try with us because you don’t have the feelin’s then that’s fine—” He held up his hand to stop her when she tried to interrupt him.
“But I don’t want you not to try just because you think you’ll do somethin’ wrong, or that I won’t want to be with you anymore because I can promise you now, I can’t ever imagine a scenario where that happens.”
She threw herself into his arms.
She couldn’t stop herself. She needed his safety there and then. Immediately.
They sat there in each other’s arms for a few minutes, quietly contemplating their feelings until Rebecca pulled back slowly “I should probably go.” She said quietly, wiping the few stray tears that had fallen during their hug.
Ted nodded and walked her to the door. She stopped to grab her handbag and rifled through it and found her keys, showing them to him with a smile before she slipped her feet back into her shoes.
“Oh, hang on—” He said, turning back towards the kitchen.
He came back to the door with the bunch of tulips in his hand, wiping the water from the stalks.
“Oh—” Rebecca blushed “Thanks.” Taking them in hand, brushing her fingers gently over the petals of a deep purple head.
He reached around her frame and pulled the door open, holding it for her as she stepped out into the hallway of his building.
In a rush, she turned back around and grabbed him, her hand, still holding her car keys, pressed against the back of his neck, as she brought her lips to his.
It was sudden, rushed, but magical.
Ted let go of the door, pressing his foot against it to keep it open as he gathered Rebecca in his arms, one arm around her waist, the other pressed against her cheek, her blonde hair that had fallen from her hair clip tickling his fingertips.
He smiled as she moaned lightly at the simple press of their mouths, no tongues, just a simple, sweet, enchanting kiss. Pulling back, pressing three soft, quick pecks against his mouth, catching his bottom lip between hers, Rebecca gazed into his eyes, willing away the tears that had formed before dropping her line of sight to his lips, slightly pink from the pressure of their first kiss.
“I just want to be good—to be good enough, for you.” She whispered.
“You are. You’re more than enough.” He insisted, squeezing her body against his, the brightly coloured tulips he had gotten for her, pressed between their bodies.
She shook her head, leaning in, her forehead touching his, their noses brushing gently as her bottom lip trembled under the sheer weight of her emotions “I don’t know that I am.”
He felt her fingers vibrating against his cheek, her arms shaking as her touch grazed down his neck to his shoulders and his heart broke as she whispered,
“But I desperately wish I was.”